Why do some relationships feel safe while others leave you anxious, overwhelmed, or constantly questioning yourself? The answer may have less to do with your partner—and far more to do with the attachment patterns your nervous system learned in childhood.

In this episode of the Adult Child of Dysfunction Podcast, I sit down with Dr. Nima Rahmany, creator of the Becoming Trigger Proof® methodology, to explore how unresolved attachment wounds continue to influence our adult relationships, emotional reactions, boundaries, and sense of self. Through his own personal story and years of clinical experience, Dr. Nima explains why healing isn't about becoming "triggerless." It's about learning how to regulate your nervous system, repair relationships, and respond instead of react.

Together, we discuss why conflict itself isn't the problem—it's the lack of repair afterward that slowly erodes trust. We also explore anxious and avoidant attachment, emotional attunement, people pleasing, codependency, childhood survival patterns, and how the nervous system quietly shapes the way we show up in every relationship.

One of my favorite takeaways from this conversation is the reminder that you can't think yourself to safety—your body has to feel safe first. That shift alone has the power to change the way you approach healing, parenting, communication, and connection.

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If you're curious about your own attachment style, Dr. Nima is offering his Attachment Style Assessment completely free.

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You can also learn more about Dr. Nima and his Becoming Trigger Proof® methodology at:

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If you've ever wondered why you keep repeating the same relationship patterns or why certain situations trigger such intense emotional reactions, this episode will help you understand what's happening beneath the surface—and remind you that healing is possible.

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As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

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Okay.

2

Hello everybody.

3

Welcome back to another episode

of Adult Child of Dysfunction.

4

Today we have with us Nima Rahmany,

whose work centers on helping adults

5

heal from the lasting effects of growing

up in dysfunctional family systems.

6

Drawing from his own healing journey and

years of clinical experience He developed

7

the Becoming Trigger Proof methodology to

help individuals regulate their nervous

8

systems, heal developmental trauma, and

break free from patterns such as anxious

9

or avoidant attachment, codependency,

people-pleasing, and emotional reactivity.

10

His approach empowers people to

understand how childhood experiences

11

shape adult relationships, and provides

practical tools to create secure

12

attachments, healthier boundaries,

and lasting emotional resilience.

13

Welcome, Nima.

14

How are you today?

15

I am so delighted to be

having this conversation.

16

Yeah, it's a very controversial one

out there, so I'd like to shed some

17

light on it, and I love that you're

leading this conversation, Tammy.

18

Well done.

19

Thank you.

20

I think I think I agree.

21

It's one of those taboo subjects

that nobody wants to talk about,

22

and before it was kind of- Very

charged … stick everything under a rug.

23

Yep.

24

Yeah.

25

Stick everything in a rug, ignore

it, pretend it didn't happen.

26

When you move out when

you're 18, everything will be

27

good, and it is so far- Yes

28

from the truth.

29

Correct.

30

Yeah.

31

And you start to learn the impacts of

those unresolved attachment wounds soon

32

as you get into relational dynamics.

33

And I don't know if you can relate to

this, but if you notice that after moving

34

out of the house that your relationships

became an absolute shit show like mine

35

did, where in my case, constantly seeking,

chasing, the never-ending quest for more

36

women and using women and extracting

from them because I deeply felt this deep

37

wound, especially with the mother and

then Dad with, both of them, the whole

38

thing growing up in that environment.

39

But I wanna preface this by saying

they are the most loving parents.

40

They would die for their

children and their grandchildren.

41

They came to Canada in the mid,

in late '70s with the revolution.

42

They fled their countries.

43

They had to immigrate from and be

in deep survival mode, and I am so

44

profoundly grateful that I grew up in,

in a beautiful country like Canada.

45

And two things can be true, that we

got that, and at the same time there

46

was some deep core wounding that

was created and as a result led me

47

down this path where I made choices.

48

I made those choices.

49

I was the one that chose, but I

was doing it from a wounded place.

50

And so the relational shit shows

on the other side of healing that,

51

my relationships are amazing.

52

I can set boundaries, and my relationship

with my parents is very boundaried.

53

I don't have to go no contact with them,

but- There's, there are periods where

54

we have to go limited contact, and we

start to see, all right, are we able to

55

repair this, and so verbally, I do…

56

it's challenging, but they're

slowly demonstrating a little

57

bit of a willingness to repair.

58

It takes a lot of courage to do the

work, so Absolutely, and especially

59

when you're talking- Diving in … and

I truly believe it's generational.

60

Like you said, it's you didn't wanna pass

down to your children what got passed down

61

to you, which probably got passed down to

y- your parents from your grandparents.

62

Totally.

63

Totally.

64

So it's like at what point…

65

I always say that.

66

Be the cycle breaker.

67

Be the one- Yeah … that just

says- Yeah … enough is enough.

68

Yeah.

69

And also- There, there's no blame … with

knowl- yeah with knowledge though

70

because it's one thing for me to say,

"I'm gonna do everything opposite for

71

my kids than my parents did to me,"

but that's not the answer either.

72

There has to be a happy

balance of actually-

73

Yeah … learning what is healthy.

74

Yeah, not everything they did was bad.

75

They did…

76

I am s- profoundly grateful.

77

They did an amazing job in making

sure that they boundaried life around

78

in the best way they could, faith

through education, like high values,

79

faith, education this kinda like

duty and obligation to something,

80

the faith, the cause, the the family.

81

I love all of those things.

82

Those are really great.

83

And the one piece that I didn't know,

w- I had no idea, 'cause, 'cause I

84

was like we had an amazing childhood.

85

We had an amazing upbringing, but

what would happen was I had to

86

figure out why my twin brother,

I have a twin brother who we were

87

raised in the exact same environment,

he is able to have relationships.

88

He's got a great marriage.

89

He's just on one path.

90

He's not seeking all these validation

from all these women, and so he's

91

in a stable marriage, got two

kids, great dental practice, while

92

his twin brother is just one epic

disastrous relationship after another.

93

I had to look.

94

I thought, "Is there

something wrong with me?"

95

And apparently when you…

96

I didn't realize when you are

separated from your mother at

97

the age of two, there is a…

98

I didn't know that a wound

can also be separation trauma.

99

I thought trauma only means

physical violence and- Oh … sexual

100

abuse, wh- I didn't experience…

101

there was the odd, volatility and

physical thing that went a little

102

too far, and, there was the odd time.

103

And there was a lot of volatility in

like a codependent relationship where

104

we had to be present and witness so much

ruptures, but then everything was fine

105

the next day, but there was no repair.

106

And I didn't know…

107

I just thought that was,

that's just what we did, right?

108

But what I realized as I went

through this search was I was…

109

It's like we're born into a

fishbowl- Like we're fish born

110

into a fishbowl of dirty water.

111

We don't know that it's dirty, but

until we leave that environment and we

112

go and we see what healthy looks like

and what communication is supposed

113

to sound like, and your relationship

with your emotions and all of these

114

things that on the deep side s-

superficially we had it all on lockdown,

115

but then the deep stuff, the emotional

connection, emot- things like emotional

116

attunement, things like validating the

experience of the child and validating

117

the reality, things like dismissing

someone's emotions and experience,

118

"Oh, you shouldn't feel that way."

119

And so those things I didn't know

slowly shaped our characters, shapes

120

who we believe we are, and that led

me into finding relationships that

121

had the same chaos- … where my

reality was not validated, this push

122

and pull dynamic, ruptures without

real - without real true repair.

123

So I was a perfect storm for a

toxic relationship that, thank

124

God, woke me up to this work.

125

And now after doing it on the other side

of what I call becoming trigger proof,

126

not trigger less, I have a great marriage.

127

My friendships, my relationships,

my working relationships

128

are totally different.

129

So the quality of our relationships is all

about our relationship to our attachment

130

wounding, and this is a, this is why

it's such a worthwhile conversation for

131

anybody that wants to clean house and

then have relationships that are aligned.

132

And it is amazing, going back to

where you started there, with you

133

not knowing, it had to be a big T.

134

That's why I can't stand when people

talk about these big T, little T, middle

135

Ts, all these different kind of traumas.

136

I'm like, when you were too young to

process what was going on with you,

137

anything that happened, any experience,

everything that happened to you

138

got stored in your nervous system.

139

You didn't know what to do with it.

140

You survived and adapted

to make sense of it.

141

And it's not your fault,

it's not your parents' fault.

142

But if it changed…

143

I always say, if it changed the way

you look at the world or it changed

144

the way you look at yourself, it

is most certainly going to change

145

the way you show up in the world.

146

And so if you're not showing

up in the world- and what you

147

can tolerate, what you can…

148

Yeah, absolutely, 100%.

149

So in that case, then it deserves

exploring and being curious and

150

not judging- Yeah … yourself.

151

And definitely.

152

I think the distinction happens and

the controversy comes in where the

153

actual exploration, the actual naming

of it, the actual discussion itself

154

makes you an ungrateful child, right?

155

Parents are getting triggered.

156

They're feeling v-

they're feeling attacked.

157

We did the best we could.

158

- There's no such thing as a perfect parent.

159

We did the best we could.

160

Stop…

161

and this is not about

expecting perfection, but

162

this is about reconciliation.

163

This is about closing these

open tabs that weren't…

164

There's a huge opportunity once we

become aware of this and we deal with

165

all the hurt, the grief, and the shame,

and the guilt that naturally comes up.

166

If we can just stay with it for a

moment and not react to it, and not

167

try to dismiss it, and not try to stop

it, but really practice staying with

168

it, then we're able to create healing.

169

We're able to create empathy.

170

But if we can't sit in it, and we

just react to it, and we try to

171

dismiss somebody else's expressions

and experiences, and we seek

172

to be understood without at all

making the effort to understand

173

You know, if we don't pay attention to

that, we're gonna have a really rough

174

time because everybody's carrying it, and

unfortunately, when you don't address it,

175

you then make the child responsible for

the par- to become the parent, to become

176

the one to like validate and, oh, and

so the, the, the, the parent becomes the

177

victim towards the child's ungratefulness.

178

And then gets bitter and then resentful,

and then that bitterness and resentment

179

and that entitlement makes the child…

180

It just builds up more

like duty and all that.

181

It just escalates, and it becomes

so toxic and so heavy, and it

182

passes down to the next generation.

183

And that's coming from a family

where your parents loved and

184

adored and did the best they could.

185

Then there's the family, like my

family, who did not love and adore

186

and teach me faith and happiness

and joy and do the best they could.

187

They didn't even- … really

give an effort.

188

So there's two sides of the world

where one is coming in going,

189

"I have no freaking clue"- Yes

190

because I was never even modeled an effort

to show- Yes … empathy and compassion.

191

Yeah.

192

See, two things can be true at

the same time, is that our parents

193

loved us the very best they could.

194

If, Tammy, your parents' nervous systems

were so in survival mode that they were

195

bracing all the time, that they were in

shutdown, that they were like grinding,

196

or they were like constricting, right?

197

That protective posture

is read by the child.

198

Oh, of course.

199

So your ch- a mother's nervous system

is becomes the child's nervous system.

200

So because of that, a, a parent

can't give that emotional connection

201

despite all of their best efforts.

202

So then even all of the material

things are taken care of, if that

203

emotional one isn't, you're gonna

become something like an overachiever.

204

You'll then become a super-duper

successful doctor, physician whatever.

205

And then constantly be in this experience,

which I, when I'm working with leaders who

206

are successful, is this push force energy

to try to prove themselves all the time.

207

Because this wound of a lack of emotional

attunement, it might not be like such

208

an injury that it paralyzes you in

life, a life of addictions or whatever,

209

which it's a spectrum, I believe,

but it can turn into a workaholism.

210

It turns into a sex addiction.

211

It turns into some sort of a coping

strategy to cope with the lack of

212

emotional attunement, the feeling that

no matter what I do, I'm not enough.

213

Absolutely.

214

And so that becomes our posture,

and it's a nervous system issue.

215

So I had to really look at that.

216

Yeah … with people who are

willing to meet me where I'm at.

217

And that's- one of the hardest parts with

this whole process is the self-reflection

218

at this point, once you are aware that

you're not showing up like you should be,

219

could be, or want to be, then it's like,

okay, you can go back, you can look at it.

220

Just, I tell people, once you become

aware, it is now your responsibility,

221

and that self-reflection part, having

gone through three different 12-step

222

programs, that is the hardest part.

223

It is.

224

The, the tendency will be to say,

to be in this little child type of

225

pride, to say, "Take it or leave it.

226

This is who I am.

227

Take it or leave it," .. you'll

hear this from , the Baby Boomer

228

generation, is, "It's who I am.

229

Take it or leave it."

230

And quite frankly, that attitude

is not sustainable, it's like

231

that attitude does not create

sustainability in a relational dynamic.

232

Not at all.

233

So we're looking for sustainability.

234

If you and I are in a relationship,

even a friendship, and conflict happens

235

and the only way that you can stay

in this relationship is to shrink

236

yourself, you eventually g- collapse.

237

So it's not sustainable.

238

- All I care about is the study and

the application of skills that

239

make relationships sustainable.

240

Perfect.

241

And that's what people need, is they

need skills because they're not taught.

242

If you grew up like that or

you even, And there's a lot of

243

bad information out there, too.

244

You would like to think that everything

out there is good information, and

245

you can someone says it's like AA.

246

You take what you love

and leave the rest."

247

But at the same time, there is some

definitely bad information out there.

248

But yeah, you wanna have, you wanna

be able to have those relationships,

249

and skills are what we need.

250

… Talk about your trigger, what's that?

251

Trigger…

252

I know you said- Trigger-proof

… it wasn't triggerless.

253

It was trigger-proof.

254

Yes.

255

- Talk about that.

256

Trigger-proof doesn't mean triggerless.

257

No.

258

My wake-up call that led me into this work

was I did a lot of personal development,

259

and in my last relationship, it…

260

After my divorce, I went on a series

of failed relationships, looking for

261

validation through women, and I was really

showing up very extractive in nature.

262

It's like whether it's with

clients, whether it's , my

263

title, - it's my whole identity is

just about extracting validation.

264

Extract, using women as something

that I must extract from.

265

Why?

266

Because of that paralyzing wound at the

age of two where I separated from mom.

267

And by the way, how are we so different?

268

The main difference is, came from a wound

where I at the age of two, my mom left

269

to come to Canada, and because of that

with my brother, 'cause she could only

270

bring one of us, for three months as a

two-year-old boy, I was without my mother.

271

And I don't remember a damn

thing, but my body remembered.

272

Your body remembers, for sure.

273

… My body remembers, and how it shows up

is this anxiousness with women, this

274

deep paralyzing need to have more than

one's attention just in case one of

275

them abandons me just like my mom did.

276

That's what my nervous system was saying.

277

My mom did not abandon me.

278

She was doing the things she needed

to do to help us immigrate that we

279

didn't know anything about that.

280

But it still had an impact, and I

constantly showed up in this neediness

281

with women and this kind of push-pull

dynamic where I would just play the

282

field until I got married, and then

I get divorced, and then a series of

283

failed relationships leading to this

final one that was the most volatile with

284

somebody who was a former sex worker.

285

And all of a sudden I am f-

like completely hooked in.

286

We would argue the same way that I would

observe at the home front in my home.

287

There was volatility, arguments.

288

I…

289

That was just normal.

290

It's just this is what a relationship is.

291

There was these just volatile,

emotionally violent arguments.

292

Sometimes at 3:00 in the morning.

293

We were constantly having

to play this weird kind of

294

therapist role and try to see.

295

And what the gift of that

experience was that I was able to

296

see two different perspectives.

297

'Cause I would hear Dad's story and I'd

hear Mom's story, and they were totally

298

different, but I could see both of them.

299

They just couldn't see themselves.

300

They couldn't do it, but I could, and

I was like, "This is my training."

301

I was being trained for

this ever since I was a kid.

302

I didn't realize.

303

But the…

304

But they would always repair.

305

They're still together.

306

They love each other.

307

- But there was no modeling of repair

308

… There was a rupture, but

there was never repair.

309

There was never really hey, I wanna

understand you, you understand me."

310

It was just let's forget it.

311

And so the built up of resentment,

that just builds resentment, and

312

I just thought that's just normal.

313

So when I saw this modeled in my

last relationship, the red flags just

314

d- came up, I just kept going, and

'cause the sex was great afterwards.

315

We would have amazing

makeup se- makeup sex.

316

And so it just kept going, like

argument, back together, argument,

317

back together, makeup sex da.

318

And, I had left chiropractic

and I was teaching these tools.

319

Teaching one thing, but having a totally

toxic relationship on the other side,

320

and this dichotomy of incongruency.

321

I didn't know how to, I didn't know

how to deal with, 'cause I was too

322

busy getting all this validation.

323

My career was taking off with this.

324

I'd left chiropractic.

325

The sex was great.

326

So let me, and the people around me

would say, "Nima, this is unsustainable.

327

Nima…"

328

Ilina, one of my, right hand in,

in my a community, another coach

329

and trainer does IFS work, just

a, a very a gifted individual.

330

She would look me in the eye and

say, "Nima, this is not sustainable."

331

But I was too busy riding the gravy train.

332

Yeah.

333

And so it wasn't until March

334

argument and I slapped her, and

in that moment it was like, whoa.

335

I had never gotten like

this in any relationship.

336

How did I get here?

337

How can I make sure that I

don't ever do this again?

338

And that's where I realized I was

using personal development work

339

without dealing with the nervous

system postures that happen as a

340

result of these stories from the past.

341

All right.

342

I got into somatic experiencing, polyvagal

theory attachment work, parts work shadow

343

work, breath work, everything somatic,

like I just went all in, and the concept

344

of becoming trigger-proof was born.

345

And the concept is that when

we are in relational dynamics,

346

conflict is actually a good thing.

347

If there isn't conflict, it means one

of the two are shrinking to be in the

348

relationship, and that's unsustainable.

349

So what makes a relationship most

sustainable is conflict, but with repair.

350

Repair.

351

And so I realized that I had to learn how

to repair, and I learned how to repair.

352

And when you learn how to repair you

regulate your nervous system, you

353

integrate all of these younger parts

of you that are active in this conflict

354

that came up in, with my last girlfriend,

comes up in my marriage, integrate

355

it, and then communicate for repair.

356

And just by repeating that every conflict,

the relationship gets even deeper.

357

Absolutely.

358

We're even stronger together.

359

It's like a muscle.

360

It gets built, because as you're

working it out little mini ruptures

361

are happening in microscopic levels,

and the rebuilding of it causes the

362

muscle to be even stronger than before.

363

So that's what becoming trigger-proof

does, is your relationships

364

get stronger- That's awesome.

365

I had someone on my podcast not too long

ago, and he was a marriage counselor, he

366

helped people, and it was funny the way

he described what you're talking about

367

as He called it - death by a thousand

paper cuts, and it made so much sense

368

how each one, it just hurts a little bit,

but you just, "Okay, just forget it."

369

Yeah.

370

And then all of a sudden you are so

resentful, you have nowhere to go with it.

371

Yeah.

372

And that's- I can't- … not

where you wanna be.

373

I can't be in a relationship anymore if

there's a rupture and there's no repair.

374

Because what happens is in order

to maintain the relationship,

375

you have to put on a mask.

376

You have to pretend, but

you're bracing the whole time.

377

Yep.

378

So imagine you and I are in a

relationship, and we get into a

379

rupture, but there's no real repair.

380

You can say sorry, but

it's not really a repair.

381

Sorry isn't actually repair.

382

This is the biggest myth.

383

I said I'm sorry, no.

384

No.

385

So repair means two people

are really feeling understood.

386

There's a genuine effort to, hey,

hear about the impact, to listen, to

387

validate the other person's experience.

388

And so without that,

you don't have repair.

389

And so if I just have rupture and

no repair, rupture after the third

390

or fourth time, when I hang out

with you, I'm just like, "Ugh."

391

I have to brace myself to be

around you because it's just, I

392

feel like - I'm abandoning myself.

393

And so it becomes a

co-dysregulating relationship.

394

Yep.

395

So when you're with somebody and just

being around them dysregulates you, and

396

you don't feel a sense of emotional safety

to say, "Hey, I'm feeling some stuff here.

397

I'd like to deal with it."

398

D- I just sent a message to a, a,

a mentor of mine from three years

399

ago, - I wanna read it to you.

400

I actually said this to him,

and I said, "Hey are you open?

401

'Cause we might be working

together on another project."

402

I said, "Before I go, and I just, there's

something I've been withholding from you.

403

On our last experiences together

I've had some things come up, but

404

I have this story that, we're…

405

- you're too busy.

406

And I know, I realize, I take

full ownership that I, that was

407

my own story, and I used that as

an excuse not to reach out to you.

408

But I feel it's important that I do, and

I apologize for withholding this from you.

409

Are you open to hearing me

and p- possibly repair?"

410

And he was like, "Yes, and thank you."

411

And so that tells me that kind of a

relationship is one that I wanna maintain.

412

And if we repair, and it does…

413

when we…

414

And I think we will.

415

I have a lot of respect for this guy.

416

If we repair, now, on the other side

of this repair, there's a deeper bond

417

and a deeper trust that develops.

418

So conflict and repair becomes the

mechanism where trust is built, but you

419

have to have the capacity to sit in it.

420

Because soon as there's conflict or some

sort of an emotion- … people either

421

fade away or they collapse, they clench

or they fricking push and force and fight.

422

Yep.

423

And so none of those things

create safety and resolution.

424

So that's all I care about now.

425

Very cool.

426

Is that…

427

And that's what all of your

work is, revolves around?

428

Regulate, integrate, then communicate.

429

This is the Trigger Proof methodology.

430

There's a way when you really understand

the mechanism of the nervous system.

431

You have to become a student

of the nervous system.

432

You gotta learn how to master

your own nervous system.

433

This whole concept of, ah, just take

it or leave it, what you're doing is

434

you're telling the people around you,

you're saying, "This is who I am.

435

Take it or leave it."

436

You know- In business, if you have a

business, it's good to delegate the things

437

that you suck at to people who are better.

438

That's smart business.

439

But in relationships, you can't delegate

your emotional labor to somebody else.

440

That creates resentment.

441

You put yourself in the baby position,

that needing a parent, right?

442

Especially if you're a parent to

adult children, for example, and

443

you wanna learn how to repair.

444

You gotta take ownership

and become the parent.

445

You gotta go…

446

All the resentment you're carrying

is 100% valid, but it is not

447

meant to be dumped on your child.

448

That's for you to work through with a

professional so that you can show up

449

as the leader to your child, right?

450

Your, your child, your…

451

Even if they're adults, they have

kids, they don't want to feel like

452

you're another, a, a burden on them.

453

No, absolutely.

454

And just the fact that half the

time, like especially when your kids

455

are younger, when your kids trigger

you, it's usually not even the kid.

456

It's something, like you said-

100% … it's something inside of you.

457

It's not them.

458

Yeah.

459

It's something that stirred

something old up inside of you.

460

Correct.

461

So it's like you can't project and get mad

at them for being kids when it's- That-

462

… really mom's issue, not- That's it.

463

Yeah.

464

That's it.

465

And what you're talking

about is very true.

466

As a father to a five-year-old child

as on the recording of this, I…

467

He triggers the hell out of me.

468

But he- but the cool part about this

is as the cycle breaker, we reframe

469

parenting as I'm not here to teach him

any more than he's here to teach me.

470

He is here to teach me about parts

of myself that I haven't loved.

471

So when he triggers me, which he will,

it's so funny because I have, the butting

472

heads with my father he always wants it

his way, and I want it my way, and I…

473

He is my greatest contrarian.

474

Every time I say, "I wanna do

this," he says the opposite.

475

And what's funny is that's my

dad's victim story about me, is

476

that you never listen, right?

477

And he's right because I

just wanna do it my way.

478

So now that I have a five-year-old

just yesterday like I was like,

479

"Hey bud, do you wanna go golfing?"

480

"No, I wanna do Lego."

481

And I'm like- And then I turn to

Di- my wife and I'm like, "Why does

482

he never wanna do what I wanna do?"

483

And then Diana says, "That's exactly

what he said about you yesterday."

484

And I was like, "Oh, geez.

485

Wow, busted."

486

You have a full cycle, man.

487

I was b- I, it was just like a mic

drop moment, and I'm like, oh my

488

God, our children are our mirrors.

489

They're a mirror.

490

So then what did I do?

491

Thank God that I knew that.

492

Then I was like, "Hey, bud,

do you wanna do some Lego?"

493

Even though I just wanted to

watch the game with him, watch

494

the Blue Jays with him, right?

495

And so sometimes to spend time with

me, he'll come and he'll lay down

496

on me cuddle into me, and then we

watch the Blue Jays together, right?

497

I know that he doesn't really care

about the Jays as much as I do.

498

He does, But we enjoy it

together- … because he likes

499

spending time with me, right?

500

And it's my job to be aware of that,

to appreciate that, and to make it…

501

Because I see him make that sacrifice,

I go extra loving, and I'm like, "Hey,

502

bud, thanks for doing this with me."

503

And then I'll tickle him, and then

I'll be like, "Oh look, Vlady Guerrero.

504

He gets it up."

505

And then we high-five each other, and

I make it such an interactive thing so

506

that even though he wouldn't choose to

watch the baseball game over watching

507

LEGO or whatever other- … show

that he's into, that I'm creating an

508

experience where it's like I want to

center around his experience when he's

509

with me, without abandoning myself.

510

Because it's not sustainable if I'm

constantly giving and not receiving.

511

Giving, yep.

512

So it's this beautiful opportunity where

I can understand boundaries and really

513

see things from him, his perspective,

really give him what I never had.

514

My parents gave me everything

they had, and I'm giving my

515

son what they couldn't give me.

516

And this is the beauty of this work.

517

Yep, absolutely, and it seems like that's

where a lot of people are doing this work.

518

And I love that you're doing this

work, 'cause a lot of people need-

519

… those tips and tricks and those

relationship hacks because sometimes-

520

Yeah … it's just one thing that

somebody says, and you're like, dang.

521

Yeah.

522

That it can change literally what

you do, what I do, the podcasting.

523

Correct.

524

All of that can literally change a life.

525

But- It's a framework.

526

A- instead of thinking it as a hack, I

want you to think of the trigger-proof

527

work, this, this work to become, get

activated by somebody in your family,

528

but then return back home to safety.

529

This is really what it is my son's

gonna trigger me later today.

530

I guarantee it.

531

After, after i- it's around this

time, and I'm making dinner.

532

This is where he's most active.

533

He's running around, screaming,

jumping around, s- And I'm…

534

and the dog is going off as well, and both

of them, after I've been working with,

535

people, walking them through their trauma,

helping them through really difficult

536

periods of betrayal and challenging times.

537

Then I go to that, and

I feel over-stimulated.

538

So how to get, go through that

without, jumping down his throat

539

without losing myself, without

going into dissociative rage.

540

Hearing bad news that, oh, he got sent

to the principal's office, and so I now

541

have to sit there and go, "Holy shit,"

and I'm feeling all the shame, and I'm

542

realizing that's what happened with me.

543

I was always sent to

the principal's office.

544

So I could empathize what my dad was

going through, and I could then go, "How

545

would I wish that I had been approached?"

546

Yep.

547

And then with understanding.

548

Yep.

549

With a, "Hey, bud- With compassion,

yep … help me understand why you were

550

being so rude to your teacher," right?

551

And then , after regulating and then

integrating, bringing those younger

552

parts of me that he's triggering,

'cause it's all my stuff, as you said.

553

Yeah.

554

After I do that, now I can communicate

with him and go, "Hey, bud, I wanna

555

understand you," instead of, the

traditional way that our parents teach us.

556

So these little subtle things are shaping

his nervous system, are shaping his

557

connection with himself, his d- his sense

of self-trust, his sense of creativity,

558

his sense of knowing who he is, his sense

of self-worth, his sense of living h- to

559

his truth rather than being a performer

that's trying to seek validation.

560

Yep.

561

So- And wearing a mask depending on

who you're with … and wearing a mask.

562

Exactly.

563

And so my, the greatest gift is watching

a little boy fully express himself

564

to the point where he doesn't want…

565

When he does, when he goes clothes

shopping, Diana just told me today,

566

he goes clothes shopping, and she's

not allowed to pick his clothes.

567

He knows exactly what he wants.

568

He's five, and he's "I know what I want."

569

And that's a victory for me.

570

Amen.

571

It absolutely is.

572

And everybody needs to understand that

the end of the day, that's all we're

573

trying to do, is get back to safety.

574

… You can't think yourself to safety.

575

You cannot.

576

Your body has to feel safe.

577

I tell people when, they're

like, "I couldn't even stop."

578

And I'm like, "By the time you think

and process why you're even triggered,

579

your body has already gone through

a thousand physiological changes-

580

of stress and knots and- hormones surging

and all kinds of stuff has happened.

581

.. I always say I can trick my

mind, but I can't- trick my body.

582

I can't lie to my body.

583

Yeah.

584

And those moments are where

you hurt the ones you love.

585

And you'll say something that penetrates

their soul and their identity and,

586

time will pass and cooler heads will

prevail, but those, words that you choose

587

to tell your child stays with them.

588

That's why I always- And it formulates-

Yeah … formulates an opinion

589

about themselves and self-worth.

590

Yep.

591

And I always say it doesn't take long.

592

Once you learn to regulate

your nervous system and get

593

back to safety, it doesn't…

594

There is so much power in the pause.

595

That's, that expression came for

a good reason, and just sometimes

596

that's just a breath before you react,

597

But I'm sure that's what

your program has a lot…

598

the breath is 100% truth, and that's

literally the first surface level.

599

Yeah.

600

So- Yep … part of regulation, we

must go into the breath, and the exhale

601

must exceed the inhale, for example Ah.

602

And just doing that, even the

physiological sigh can regulate and just-

603

bring your prefrontal cortex a little bit

back online, and then put the brake on…

604

It's called the ventral

brake on- … the activation.

605

But then what do we do with that, right?

606

How do we, regulate is one thing,

but then we have to really look at

607

the contextual framework underneath

the relationship dynamic that's

608

causing us to be so dysregulated.

609

And there's usually an

argument with reality.

610

There's usually a should, right?

611

So my parents might have, no matter

how much they regulate or whatever, if

612

underneath there's a contextual belief

that the child should soothe the emotions

613

of the parent and make them feel good

about themselves and only be positive

614

and just be grateful and never have any

feedback reality that then the child

615

either ha- there's stuff that we're

all grateful for, but certain moments

616

there i- there are emotions that come

up, challenges that come up which now

617

violate the belief, violate the contextual

framework of the should of the parent.

618

Now that separation from hey what should

be and what is causing the dysregulation.

619

So now if I just have to do the

breathing, but I don't examine these

620

unco- unconscious covert agreements,

these fantasies or delusions I have

621

about human beings, myself, others.

622

If I don't look at these, then I'm

always gonna having to be regulated.

623

Yes.

624

Absolutely.

625

So both are important.

626

- That's why we start there and

we just keep going deeper.

627

Oh, yeah.

628

Yeah.

629

That it's- But yeah, breathing

is a big part of it, yeah.

630

And it's a whole process.

631

For the people- Oh, yeah … out there

listening that are just learning,

632

that are just getting into this,

633

Like , he said it's a framework.

634

What I just gave you was a hack,

- Yeah … before you react, before you

635

hurt someone's feelings, before you say

something you don't mean to, like he said,

636

one quick breath, one deep breath, one

physiological sigh, any of that will bring

637

you back into your prefrontal cortex-

and not in the amygdala- Temporarily

638

… which is your reactive crazy brain.

639

Temporarily.

640

So- Temporarily.

641

Yep.

642

So yes.

643

And so the trigger-proof work- And that

sometimes that's, especially when I

644

work with younger people and I'm like,

"Oh, sometimes that's all I need,"

645

just to get me through right there to

where I can be like, "Okay, Totally

646

let's think about that."

647

Totally.

648

But then- And the deep- . the deeper

that we go with it, the more we

649

access a state of freedom, right?

650

And the ultimate freedom is not having

your sense of okayness- be conditional

651

upon the other person changing.

652

Oh, yeah.

653

Absolutely.

654

That is freedom, and that's

the goal of the work.

655

That is complete freedom, yes.

656

This has been super fun, Nima.

657

So- I've had a great time … tell

people where they can find you if they

658

wanna reach out and work with you.

659

I'll give you the show notes.

660

Sorry, in the show notes my team

should provide a link that gets

661

you the attachment style quiz.

662

Okay.

663

That's the best place to begin

to really find out what that is.

664

If you wanna get ahold of me, finish that

and send me an email with your backstory.

665

If you have a question, I'll read

them all, and make suggestions

666

of where to go from there.

667

I might not be the right person.

668

I…

669

This one woman reached out and was

like, "- I need to help - someone who's

670

gonna help my partner deal with the fact

that he had enmeshment and emotional

671

incest with his mother, and I need to

find somebody for him to deal with that."

672

And so my, my question was like why

are you in this call rather than him?"

673

That's the first red flag because.

674

i'm not interested in working

with somebody who isn't here

675

asking me the questions.

676

Then, but she just wanted to know for

him, and then she got really uncomfortable

677

when I started asking her, "Can I ask

what this brings up in you, b- what

678

his relationship is bringing with

his mother is causing within you?"

679

And she started telling me about some of

her pain that she's experiencing, and she

680

says, "I'm getting coaching for that,"

and all that, and I'm like, "Oh, okay."

681

And then I asked her, I said, "Have

you seen, is this a familiar feeling

682

for you, this sense that you're not,

your needs are not getting met and

683

you always have to fight for them?"

684

And she's like, "Yeah, it's

always in this relationship."

685

I said, "Have you experienced that?

686

Like, how old do you feel,

when you experience that?"

687

She goes, "Oh," and she starts crying, and

was like, "Happened when I was a child."

688

And I'm like, yeah, he needs to do his

work, but this is your work to do as well.

689

And she never realized that

there was a connection there.

690

Giving me the backstory and telling

me what you're dealing with and what

691

outcome you wanna have, I can now

see it and go, "All right, this is

692

not the right place," or, "Yes, this

is exactly-" work we can help with."

693

Okay.

694

Yeah, and socials are all there too.

695

Perfect.

696

So I'd love to hear…

697

Absolutely.

698

I will put all of that in the show

notes, so everybody, if you're driving

699

or you're not- gonna be able to write

anything down, don't worry about it.

700

It'll all be down there.

701

And then before you go first of

all, I wanna thank you very much,

702

because I'm sure the listeners got

a whole lot of wisdom out of that.

703

So thank you for that.

704

And before you go, though,

you're not off the hook.

705

Oh.

706

I want you to leave the listeners with one

piece of advice or one small change they

707

could make right now that might make their

lives a little easier, what might it be?

708

Learn how to expand your

capacity to be misunderstood.

709

I love that.

710

, That's a superpower.

711

If you can do that, which is what

the whole goal of these practices and

712

work is, you can speak your truth.

713

You can lead and say the damn thing.

714

You can ask for what you need.

715

You have greater capacity to receive.

716

You're okay when - other people disagree,

and you're okay with disagreement, and

717

you become a master at authenticity.

718

Amen.

719

Because I'm gonna speak my truth,

and you're might not gonna like it.

720

You might not like it, and I'm okay

with that, and that's the freedom…

721

there's no freedom unless

we move towards that.

722

Thank you for that, and I

love the way you worded it.

723

It's true, right?

724

And I loved the- It's

true … day I realized that.

725

I don't care.

726

I'm like, unless I am intentionally,

purposely harming someone or

727

being hateful, then I am me.

728

Not my business.

729

We're not gonna all have everybody

liking us, and it's not even worth

730

the struggle and the energy to try.

731

Yeah, 100%.

732

Love it.

733

But I like the way you put it.

734

Thank you so much, Tammy.

735

That was a great way to put it.

736

So thank you so much, and for everybody

else- Okay … out there, you all have a

737

blessed week, and we will see you back.

738

Thank you.