It's the first regular episode of our brand-new limited series from Chainsaw History: "No Time For Love Doctor Jones" — where Jamie Chambers takes his skeptical sister Bambi on a journey through the fictional life of Dr. Henry Walton Jones, Jr.—better known as Indiana Jones. In today's episode, our hosts dive into The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles starting with the first half of "Curse of the Jackal."

Gorgeous Egyptian landscapes are shot and historical creative liberties are taken (both Lawrence of Arabia and Howard Carter are featured before they would have been in Egypt) in order to teach kids about mummies and ancient tombs. The royal architect, Ka, was a "juicy" mummy taken to Italy in real life.

Designed for fans and newcomers alike, "No Time For Love Doctor Jones" promises entertainment and real-world history as we follow the evolution of cinema's most iconic archaeologist and whip-cracking hero!

Hey, Dr. Jones! No time for love! We've got company!

["The Star-Spangled Banner"]

Well, hello, young lady.

Ehh!

I'm a violent old man who likes to terrorize children in museums.

Ehh!

What was I saying?

Ehh?

Did I tell you about that time I was trapped in a nuclear test site?

That's fucking ridiculous.

Lucky for me, there was a fridge.

So...

Welcome to our first official episode of No Time for Love, Dr. Jones,

where we follow the fictional adventures of Dr. Henry Walton Jones Jr.

as he bounces off of real-world history and important figures.

With his... yeah, he had to leave the dog, Indy, behind.

I am your host, Jamie Chambers, and this is my sister, Bambi,

being forced along this little ride.

Yeah! You know?

Our little minecart ride.

Like, yeah, like, Short Round in the minecart. That's me.

Like, short round, you were dragged against your will.

I don't feel like short round was dragged against his will, actually.

I feel like he was there willingly for some reason.

Where was he gonna go without Indiana Jones, like, feeding him?

There's an argument to be made that was child slavery.

There is... I have so many questions about short round.

We could have an entire fucking, like, philosophical conversation about short round.

Short round will not even be...

Why he was there and what the fuck happened to him.

He will not even be born for quite a while yet.

So, once again, no time for love.

Dr. Jones is bonus content.

They will normally be given to our beloved $5 or more subscribers.

Bonuses!

We love you, but this episode will be given away for free to everyone,

so you can actually see what this sort of thing is gonna be like

as we talk about Indiana Jones.

So, if you are one of the $5 or higher subscribers,

you will get the entire series of No Time for Love, Dr. Jones,

and all of the Value of series where Bambi and I read each other

god-awful historical biographies written for children in the 1980s.

It's good times. Well, not really for me, but...

So, in our episode zero, we talked a little bit about the development of Young Indiana Jones,

and it premiered on television in 1992 with a TV movie titled

Young Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Jackal first aired on March 4th, 1992.

I was there.

Does that make you feel old?

As a two-hour TV movie to introduce the series.

So, it features a plot that awkwardly ties together the murder

committed at an archeological dig in Egypt with the Mexican Revolution seven years later

so that the audience could meet both little kid Indiana Jones

plus the teenage version played by Sean Patrick Flannery.

Which is much better.

Right. However, we're only gonna be covering the first half today.

Of course we are.

And because we're following his adventures chronologically,

we're gonna have to hold on to some of the plot threads from here

and, just like Indiana Jones, have to wait a while to get any kind of resolution.

So, today, however, the one thing we're not gonna do in chronological order, though,

is the introductions by Old Indy.

Because I have done the work for our dear listeners,

if you go on YouTube, you can look for a YouTube channel called Young Indy Restored

that has episodes of the show that have been kind of re-edited together

with the original intros and outros,

and they try to do as much of the narration as possible.

There was even a commercial.

Yeah, they tried to make it as close to the original experience

of watching it in 1992 as possible, and it's free.

So, once again, just look for Young Indy Restored on YouTube

if you want to follow along with us as we go through the adventures of Dr. Jones.

Until Disney finds out and then shuts them down.

And shuts us down.

What we're doing is completely legal.

This is called Fair Use.

We're talking about something, you know, in educational terms, we're good.

However, these are just copyrighted material just completely repackaged

and re-aired on a paid YouTube channel.

So, yeah, that's pretty blatant.

I just don't know if they care enough about Young Indiana Jones.

They probably don't.

It's not even on Disney Plus right now.

Well, of course not. I'm sure they're very ashamed of it.

I think the only way you can get it right now

is to either order Blu-rays or to buy it on Amazon.

Like, the on-demand.

Yeah, I don't feel like buying it on Amazon.

No, I like watching it for free on YouTube.

Way to go.

So, now we're going to start with our very first section called...

I don't know. I'm making this upside go.

So, in this section, we're going to just go over the plot of the episode

and give our overview.

So, this is it.

This is the first time we're introduced to Young Indiana Jones

on television on March of 1992.

So, our adventure begins, you might remember, in 1992.

Which, at the time, it was in modern day, which was sort of jarring.

You watch Young Indiana Jones and suddenly you just see a museum somewhere.

You see a bunch of kids on a school field trip.

Yeah, and honestly, they look like kids now.

Yeah, it was just a very...

It was kind of interesting.

They didn't really prep the audience that you're just going to look...

Looks like the museum down the street with ordinary-looking kids on a field trip.

But then, we see a couple little kids get bored

and just run irresponsibly fast down the hallway.

They didn't want to learn about mummies.

They did not want to learn about mummies or Egypt or anything like that.

And you hear, even though it is definitely not John Williams music,

they try to do the little Indiana Jones musical nod of...

They call it Mickey Mousing, where the music kind of follows the action

and when it's kind of meant to be humorous.

So it's almost a little cartoony sound.

So you hear...

The little kids are running down the hall.

It's kind of trying to trick us into liking the kids despite them being assholes.

It doesn't work.

It does not work on someone because a cane comes out of frame

and trips these little bastards and they fall on their face.

So, and then a grizzled old man with an eye patch steps into frame.

Okay, I have to be able to describe him.

Please describe this person.

First of all, because even before I watched it in my head,

I was like, this guy looks just like Mad-Eye Moody

because when I saw Mad-Eye Moody, that is what I saw.

It was old Indy.

Which Harry Potter was he first in?

He was in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was the first one.

And then...

From pretty much then on out, yeah.

Yeah, until...

So, yeah.

So imagine this guy you're seeing.

He's wearing this oversized fedora.

He's got an eye patch, but glasses over the eye patch.

Yeah, like a magical eye.

It catches the light and he is gnarled as fuck, just like a tree.

And he steps out and he goes, why aren't you kids in class?

And then they're like, oh geez, Mr. Man.

So the old man obviously is Indiana Jones.

And talk about hypocrisy.

Indiana Jones is the teacher who was never in his own class

and one time we saw him sneak out of a window rather than have a conversation

with even a single one of his own students.

So Dr. Jones is such a fucking hypocrite at this point.

And then when you find out about his life,

a hundred percent hypocrite considering the bullshit he pulls as a kid.

Well, honestly, I feel like he just escaped from the home.

Oh, yeah.

And they're going to send a search party looking for him.

Honestly, I think that's the unspoken plot of every episode

is squirrelly old Indiana Jones escapes from the nursing home once again.

To go torment children at the museum.

And then right after the credits roll, you see some dudes in white coats

come and grab him, jacket him, and drag him back one more time.

See, that's the part that we needed.

You goddamn Nazis.

So anyway, yeah, he's a...

Interesting to note, though, he is wearing a bow tie at this point,

which was his father's signature neckwear.

Oh, he does. He's dressed just like his father.

Yeah, except for he keeps his hat, which is why it's funny.

Later on, you see Shia LaBeouf try to take his hat

and even Harrison Ford snatches it away.

And so canonically, nobody gets his hat.

He wears that hat for the rest of his fucking life,

and then he's buried with it.

For the record, Shia LaBeouf does not deserve the hat.

Shia LaBeouf deserves lots of things that are not the hat.

He needs help, Jamie.

Electroshock therapy, ice water baths.

Hey, now.

Full frontal intracranial lobotomy.

Let's not talk about...

Let's not talk about the crazy house right now, okay.

I made an entire T-shirt that I sold.

I made a couple grand off of Shia LaBeouf's crazy.

So, no, not with too many complaints.

So, anyway, little kids get tripped by this old bastard

who's yelling at them,

and they just completely shit on the museum.

Like, this place is full of old junk. This place stinks.

I cannot stress this to you enough.

The old man raises his cane and goes,

I mean, he threatens to beat these old kids.

He's already assaulted them once.

He's committed a number of crimes in the first 30 seconds

that he's on this show.

And again, and that's after he escaped from the home.

And my favorite part is if you just look in the background,

there's just people walking by in the background.

It's this old guy's yelling at,

and just, like, raising his fist with a cane,

about to just beat these kids,

and he literally just cows them into submission.

Like, okay, okay, be cool, man.

It's like, literally, they don't want to be killed.

They do not want to be beaten by a fucking crazy old gnarled tree.

So, we're going to see many crimes in this episode.

So many crimes.

But this is the first, and we're, like, so we're 30 seconds in.

And Dr. Jones has assaulted and threatened children.

So, he orders the kids to stay with him

while he sits his old ass down.

And then, in the middle of this,

this dementia-ridden old fossil,

he, like, forgets what he was talking about.

He's like, eh, what was I saying?

And then, if the kids had any sense at all,

like, in that moment, they would have just fucking bolted.

He couldn't have gotten up from that bench very fast,

and he would have forgotten what was going on anyway.

But instead, they were stupid enough to remind him,

and then suddenly, he's like, oh, yes,

I was born across the river.

And he gives his birthday, which was, you know,

canonically July 1st, 1899.

It says it was in New Jersey.

And then, like, by the clues,

I was able to piece together

that we are in the Penn Museum in Philadelphia,

which happens to house one of the largest

Egyptian collections in the United States.

That's very cool.

So, that's how much of a nerd I am,

is I literally looked on a fucking map and figured it out.

Good for you, Jamie.

But, yeah, I love the time period that he was born in.

I love the turn of the century.

It's very interesting,

and it's also very interesting

on how things never really change.

This is how much I love you, $5 or more subscribers,

is I literally went on Google Maps

and hunted around for half an hour

to figure out where this museum could be.

And it could have easily just been bullshit.

It could have been nothing.

I could have wasted hours of my life.

But, no, it's legit.

It literally is one of the largest Egyptian collections,

and it all matches.

So, as this old fart rambles on,

I cannot help remember that Indiana Jones

was introduced to us in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

And we first see him.

He is just this silent figure you only see from the back,

and he just says almost nothing.

Like, he cracks a gun out of somebody's hand with a bullwhip

before he even says a few lines,

and that whole first part of the movie,

he's a man of few words.

And so you have to imagine, like,

anyone who does talk, he doesn't sound anything like this.

Like, George Hall famously decided

he didn't even want to watch Harrison Ford's performances.

He wasn't going to try to do an impression.

He was just like,

He's like, I'm going to be just this crotchety old man.

So it's like, in our heads, we have to somehow figure out

how he became this old fucking windbag.

Actually, I don't think that that's what happened.

I think that he was probably, like,

one of the sidekick Remy character, like...

Oh, this is...

He's just some guy that Indiana Jones knew,

and he has dementia so badly, he thinks this is his...

This is short wound.

Like, exactly.

After cosmetic surgery and brain damage.

Something like that.

Piece of his brain missing from the,

I mean, stabbed in the eye.

He became the hero he loved.

It makes no sense to me that Indiana Jones

would even live to be 90 years old.

He should be very dead.

But, you know, weirdly enough,

now we're going to see a really old

Harrison Ford version in Dial of Destiny,

which is why, like,

I said George Hall's been erased from the timeline,

but I reject that.

We're going ahead with old ass Indy.

We're going back.

So, old Indy tells us that his father

was a really smart, respected professor

of medieval studies,

and that his mother was a living saint on Earth,

perfect in every way no other woman could ever compare.

And all of this tracks with his daddy issues.

Oh, no, like, honestly,

if you actually follow this along,

like, his feelings about his parents

explain a lot about his, like, later life

in a bunch of different ways.

So, in the beginning, as he's narrating,

he gets into all these little wholesome

early 1900s adventures.

So, he's, like, skipping class

to play with his dog, Indiana.

I love the dog scenes.

They're so cheesy.

And, once again, that's a nod to,

that they always make it a Malamute,

which is the original Indiana

that George Lucas had back in the 70s,

was an Alaskan Malamute.

So, you see him breaking,

playing, like, you know,

well, it's not even backyard baseball,

it's, like, side street baseball,

and he'd break a window.

He sent his dog up to die in a hot air balloon.

Which they, and they didn't show it come back down,

so it's, like, after that, it's, like, goodbye.

Well, remember, you see River Phoenix

has a Malamute as he just runs right by

very briefly in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

But you gotta figure, that's, like, Indiana 3 by now.

Like, I don't think that's the same dog.

I think Indiana Jones killed that first dog

in the hot air balloon.

He could be on several by now.

And, again, he even mentions at the end

of this particular episode

that he had to get back to his dog.

Yeah, he loved his fucking dog.

He loved his dog so much,

he would much rather be named after his dog

than his own father.

And, like I said,

there's a little bit of psychology there.

But, you know, I also get it, too.

Like, I do know plenty of people

who went through their teenage years

and they grabbed a nickname,

either given to them or picked it for themselves.

Call me this now.

Like, our own dad was called Jay for years,

like, through his teenage years

and, like, into his middle 20s

before he went back to being called, like, Jim or Jimmy.

He was Jay. So...

Well, I have, you know,

I've never been called anything but Bambi.

And when I do have to use my real, regular name,

it's almost like an alias.

Same. I mean, I go by my...

Jamie is my nickname, technically, too.

So, you know, it's weird.

But we always went by it,

whereas he very specifically rejected his father's name

and picked his dogs.

So that just tells you something about a person

and that his dead mother is so sainted in his memory,

like, no woman can compare.

So he just goes through them real...

So, yeah.

Just so fast.

They're just tissues.

They're a single episode or a movie,

and then that's it.

So, yeah, more Little Rascals adventures.

You see him on railroad tracks

with a little homemade little car that he and his buddies made.

He electrocutes himself on a bicycle.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, the electrocution scene was so cheesy.

Liz's hair stood up straight.

He had the big surprised look on his face.

All the other kids.

The dog was barking.

It was bad acting.

It was a big thing.

They could have given the kids some real voltage.

Come on.

Okay, this kid's acting is so bad,

we might as well name him Anakin Skywalker.

Let's address it now.

George Lucas is terrible at picking child actors.

Oh, my God.

The most wooden performers.

You do not believe for a moment anything that they...

It's really sad because it's like a...

It's a child being played by a child

that's never met another child,

and that child also has, like, some kind of autism,

so it doesn't quite grasp.

So, yeah.

He's so bad.

So, to be clear, so to make this easier,

so whenever we're talking about a nine- or ten-year-old version,

we're just going to call him Henry

because everyone on the show does.

At this point, his dog is Indiana,

and he's Henry, or when his dad's talking to him,

Junior, Junior.

Which, yeah, I would hate someone

that called me Junior all the time, too.

So, yeah.

We were told by old Indy's narration

that Dr. Jones, Sr. got invited onto a big lecture tour in 1908,

so they ditched the dog for a two-year trip around the world.

So, then at Oxford, they pick up Miss Seymour,

who was a former tutor of Henry, Sr.

Which, by the way,

she kind of looks like the old school marm,

just like Professor McGonagall.

Well, very classic English governance.

Oh, yes. So much so.

Like, dressed, all buttoned up,

and Professor McGonagall is an extension of that stereotype

to the very prissy, older British educator woman

who's here to make sure children behave and learn something.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

And Miss Seymour.

So, because they're dragging their kid around the world,

Dr. Henry Jones, Sr.,

is not going to let his son's education slide.

He gets the most hardcore teacher on planet Earth,

the one who made him such a pain in the ass.

Yeah, he picks that lady,

and again, she didn't even work with younger students.

She claims that in the show.

I don't...

Well, she's like, he's too young.

He's too young.

He's like, the boy needs a governess, and I am a teacher.

But then, he uses his...

He basically seduces her with his Scottish way.

She's like, hello, moneypenny.

He's like, wouldn't you like to sheed a great pyramid?

It's so bad.

Let's make it stop.

Sheed a great wall of china.

And she starts undoing her blouse.

It's so gross.

This whole scene is weird.

And the next thing you know, she's all on board.

So, she's there, and Kid Indy hates it.

Oh, he calls her...

How many times does he call her a witch just in this one?

Yeah, he referred to her as the Wicked Witch.

Yes.

And it's so weird, because he always sort of refers to her like he hates her guts, but

acts like he adores her most of the time when he's with her.

So, it's kind of hard to say.

It's sort of Stockholm Syndrome, I think.

Well, yeah.

And the way he described her was with zero love, where this kid obviously...

I mean, that was the only real affection I saw in the show.

He loves this woman way more than he loves his father.

His father, that's for sure.

For realsies.

Now, he adores his mother to a ridiculous, unhealthy point.

But let's face it, Miss Seymour is basically a plot device.

So, she's there to A, help explain why later on Indiana Jones has this incredible range

of knowledge.

And to the show's credit, they show her just like any time they have downtime, he is forced

to read a book.

He is forced to be studying.

If they're on a boat, she is just doing lessons.

Even as they're rocking around, they at least sell the fact that he is...

If they're not doing something, he is constantly being forced to study.

Which is...

Yeah.

Now, granted, I'd say the kid had no fun, but we only got to see the fun parts.

Yeah.

So, it also gives them...

This is also a excuse for the educational dialogue that George Lucas was all about.

By having a teacher there like, oh, Henry, what is the history of this?

Or, what is that over there?

And then he's forced to give the answers, and it's sort of a more organic way for them

to shove all that knowledge into the story, other than having random characters spouting

exposition all the time.

Yeah.

Well, and then he gives the beautiful speech at the dinner table.

It's an excuse that they can break away from the parents, and you can just have Miss Seymour

with young Indy, or Miss Seymour with young Indy.

Because being with the parents would have been boring as shit.

Yeah.

Plus, once again, Dr. Jones was very busy, and he clearly wanted his wife with him and

couldn't give a shit.

Over and over, he gets very clear, he's fine if Junior goes off and does whatever.

Yeah, as long as Mom's sitting at his elbow.

And it's sort of hilarious too, because even though Miss Seymour was like, I am not a governess

and all that, but she ultimately, she is totally his babysitter all the time.

Yeah.

That woman never has a moment off.

God knows what Dr. Jones Senior has to do for that woman in order to keep her on board.

Gross.

So gross.

Let's not think about it.

In this episode, you don't get much of the mom yet.

Just a few little lines of dialogue, and she's very soft-spoken.

Oh, Henry, are you dressed up, or you have this?

Don't upset your father.

You know how he gets when he drinks.

Stop.

Yeah.

And she wears these big floral hats.

Mom doesn't say a damn word when Dad is speaking.

She's terrified.

She just sits there quietly and calmly.

Well, you see him all buttoned up, reading all the time.

And you know how Sean Connery was, very famously quoted when he was like, the reporter asked,

do you think it's okay to hit a woman?

And he's like, well, it depends on the circumstances.

If there was merit in it, yeah, sure.

Sometimes you have to slap a bitch, you know?

So it just kind of makes sense that Dr. Jones Sr. is passed down.

See, this is one of the reasons why, when you were like,

oh, I don't understand why you wouldn't like Indiana Jones so much.

I'm like, because it's nothing but massaging.

I was just riddled with massages.

Oh, it's horrible.

It's hard to choke down.

Even when I was a child, I was like, there's nothing here for me.

I mean, we'll get to it when we talk about Raiders of the Lost Ark,

but it's introduced with the fact that he had an inappropriate relationship.

I mean, the exact line was, I was a child.

I was in love.

It was wrong and you knew it.

And it's like, that doesn't tell us very good things about Henry Jones Jr.

No.

He messed around with his teacher's underage daughter

when he was like in his 20s, and that's not okay.

No, Sean Patrick Flannery.

However, but nine-year-old Indy isn't guilty of none of these crimes yet.

Yet.

However, once again.

No, but he's already like mischievous.

There are some terrifying implications about what Dr. Jones Sr. might be like,

because he, like I said, his wife is scared of him.

So little Henry has distractingly not blue eyes.

Like I said, this kid Corey has very hazel eyes.

It's sometimes almost like brown and, you know, I don't know.

Yeah.

And the fact that he is sort of Pinocchio and he's a wooden puppet.

Yeah.

Doesn't help.

Just it's distracting.

It's terrible.

He's so bad.

During a nine-day trip across the Mediterranean,

this is the scene you're talking about.

Henry has a little bit of fun at the dinner table.

Oh, he gives this huge long speech about mummification and grossing everybody out.

Yeah, how you take out the, oh, the brains and the organs and detail.

And one thing I love about it is dad doesn't say a word in the whole scene.

People are getting up, he's grossing everybody out.

The ship's rocking.

Pretty much to the point where everyone leaves except for little Henry and his dad.

And it's kind of amazing.

He just looks at him.

He's like, proud of yourself, Junior.

Well, no, what's great is he flips it and reverses it.

Because he's sitting there reading.

He was just reading.

He's reading a book, but he was listening.

And then he was like, it was a nice little speech, Junior.

And then he's like, now eat your tripe.

And then suddenly it's like, oh, little Henry grossed himself out.

And then he runs out of the room to puke over the side just like everybody else.

For the record.

And then Dr. Jones Senior.

Maybe it was just the tripe.

And well, no, because then Dr. Jones Senior just sits there

and just keeps on eating, reading his books like a lash.

Some peace and goddamn quiet.

Anyway, he is unfazed by any of this.

So then we get the traditional Indiana Jones map with a red line thing

that takes us finally to Alexandria.

And then they make their way to Cairo, which is a city we first saw

in Indy's first film, Raiders of the Lost Ark.

So then Ms. Seymour takes Henry to see the monuments,

the pyramids and the Sphinx.

And she decides she wants to climb the pyramids to catch a street view,

which is like sort of jarring.

You're like this old lady wearing a long ass dress like,

oh, come on, Henry, we're going to climb one of the great pyramids.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, and he's like way behind her, this geriatric old bitty,

but she's moving like lightning.

I know. Meanwhile, he's like, oh, God, he's this little kid.

He's this little kid struggling.

With his little fingers.

But the one they have a little learned dialogue where Henry expresses concern

because she didn't pay their guide who had their camels as much as he wanted.

And she's just just basically she's a very British colonizer.

She's like, don't you know these people negotiating?

He'll be grateful for what I've given him by the time we get down.

And it's just sort of this very contrived excuse to get up there.

You see this gorgeous scenery because they filmed on location.

Oh, the scenery in this.

I cannot stress how good the cinematography was.

Well, no, they had such long, good shots of the pyramids of Giza.

One of the things George Lucas did not skimp on in this show,

they shot this show in twenty five countries.

It was like on location shooting.

You've got to I mean, they shot the actual fucking pyramids.

You know, they they went to some of these places.

Anyway, they go up on the top of the pyramids, check out the gorgeous view.

And then the camel got the guide with the camels gets pissed

because she's a cheapskate and he takes off.

And then they scramble down the side of the pyramids.

And she's asking the child, what shall we do?

And all the little kids like, come back with our camels.

Oh, man. Golly gee whiz.

Oh, it's so bad.

I cannot stress enough how bad this kid was.

And then it's like, yes.

So Miss Seymour's casual racism almost gets them killed.

But then a strange figure comes from the distance.

We see him riding with the setting sun coming behind him.

This this figure on a bicycle wearing a gentleman's suit,

but a turban wrapped around his head.

And so, of course, it could be none other than that.

Our first historical figure, Lawrence of Arabia.

Absolutely. So, yes.

Mr. Lawrence, who who insists, called me Ned.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was a student.

Yeah, we found out that he also was also one of Miss Seymour's former students

who just happened to run into her on the side of the pyramids

and also is a fan of Dr. Jones senior's books.

So he's like, oh, I've read your father's books. They are brilliant.

So, yeah.

Yeah. And so, yeah, they offer to help.

He offers to help them, of course.

And then, yeah, because she's like, oh, whatever shall we do?

And he's like, gather up some camel dung and make jolly sure we don't catch cold.

That's right. Cheerio. Pip pip.

And he's so like the most like cliche, like British gentleman.

But also, like I said, he's he's got this little heart of an adventurer.

And they did resist the eyeliner.

I was expecting the hardcore eyeliner, but they didn't go for it.

And I was sad. They should have.

They should have just went full on.

But it's interesting to me.

Even though Steven Spielberg had no direct involvement in this Lawrence of Arabia,

the film is is famously his favorite movie of all time and is a, you know,

is a masterpiece like classic Golden Age Hollywood.

I do recommend it.

And Lawrence of Arabia himself, a pretty cool, pretty cool dude.

However, we wouldn't know it from this when we get to a later section.

We'll talk about how he really know this guy relates to the actual dude.

This guy relates to the actual dude a little bit.

So anyway, they're they're they're they're building their poop fire.

And and Lawrence tells Henry just how fucking cool it is to crack open a tomb for the first time.

And, you know, it's like you're breathing the same air and you'll see the footsteps of the men who built the tomb in the dust.

And Henry's like getting enchanted and suddenly his eyes light up in that first interest in archaeology is born right then and there.

And that says maybe you add a new page to history or find some treasure without price.

Oh, that's what he wants. He wants the treasure.

Ding, ding, ding. That's the first.

But then he warns little Henry that archaeologists never get rich and he swears that they totally aren't thieves robbing graves.

But we're opening up the past. We are not invading other countries and taking their treasures.

No, no, no. We British would never do such a thing because it belongs in a museum.

In a museum or maybe a rich person's house, you know.

I was about to say, they're totally tomb robbers. What are you talking about?

So then Ned gets into the various religious beliefs about the afterlife.

So he talks about the Muslim paradise as a delightful place, especially if you're a man.

Well, that's because, you know.

She was giving this lecture about heaven. Yes.

And and Catholicism and blah, blah.

And he was like, yeah, because they started with them talking about the mummies, what they believe, about why that they because why do you keep stuff after you die?

You know, why the mummies need need treasure and stuff in their tomb.

It related to this whole like philosophical religious conversation.

But then little Ned decides to be fun to make little Henry poop his pants by telling him a scary story right before bed.

Which is hilarious.

So he's like talking about, you could ask a mummy if he comes back to life when he's walking at you.

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

He's just being creepy as fuck, little Henry's.

Ate it up with a spoon, going gee whiz.

And this comes to bite everyone in the ass later on.

So Ned scares the shit out of Henry, who just has nothing but nightmares all night, screaming and crying.

And then the next day, Ned invites them to go upriver with him to the Valley of the Kings to where his buddy, name drop, Howard Carter.

Howard Carter.

Is engaged in a dig.

Before. This is the dig before.

This is early Howard Carter.

Once again, we will talk about him in a little bit more.

But Howard Carter's engaged in a dig and Lawrence is invited to hang along and he invites Miss Seymour and Henry.

So Henry has to ask his father for permission and Dr. Jones Sr. gives him a blank journal to keep and chronicle all his travels.

Write down anything that interests you or excites you or is noteworthy.

And again, Mom wasn't even allowed to show excitement or any kind of expression until, yes, sat there with her hands folded just like waiting for the opportunity to talk to her child.

I have no opinion until my husband gives an answer.

And then the minute he gave an answer and walked out of the room, she gave him a hug and started acting like a mom.

Yep. And then her terrifying husband.

I mean, I'm pretty sure that the bullwhip that he found, it wasn't the first one.

The Jones men are good with the whip.

Yeah, it's dark.

Well, the journal becomes like a whole thing in the show.

Later on, you see Teenage Indie has it all filled out with all kinds of stuff, sort of kind of like mimicking what they did with Last Crusade with Dr. Jones Sr.'s Grail Diary.

Although I have to say this one thing about Mom. She is kind of a hot blonde and it's kind of a little...

Well, she gets a whole, like, later on she gets a storyline where she gets a sexy storyline.

But, well, that's coming up in an episode or two.

Yeah, it's almost like you see where the Willy type came in, because visually...

Yeah, he's got mom issues, he's got dad issues, he's got all kinds of issues.

He is so issue-free.

So anyway, he's given the journal, and like I said, in the later on, the opening credits, the journal is featured in the opening credits.

Like, this is where Henry writes down all of the notes and learns all his stuff as he goes along.

So, on the trip in the Nile, Ned tells little Henry, he's like, to learn the language everywhere he goes, which is another thing.

Like, later on, Indiana Jones knows every fucking language everywhere they go anywhere.

He, like, he knew Mandarin Chinese at the beginning of Temple of Doom, and then later on could speak to the people in India.

Like, he just knows the ridiculous number of languages, and this is supposed to be, like, Ned just tells him that.

And, you know, once again, that is consistent with Lawrence, who did learn the languages of different places that he went, and spoke Arabic very well.

Which he demonstrates when he talks to this dude on the boat.

So, there's an Easter egg. When they reach the Valley of the Kings, you can hear some workers singing the same song the Egyptian diggers were using in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Just for a moment, they walk by, and you hear, in the background, it's like, oh, that's cool.

And you see little Henry, he's wearing his little khaki uniform, with his little clam-digger pants, and his little pith helmet on, and he looks so cute.

With his little bowl cut.

Yeah, a little, a little, a little, a little adorable mop of hair.

Kid looks like Dennis the Menace.

Yep, and he is, and just like Dennis the Menace, just constantly being dragged along, or involves himself in all these situations.

He really, as a nine-year-old, should not have any part of.

So, Ned introduces them to Rashid Salam, a really nice guy who, um, so like the show works really hard for us, like in the thirty seconds we get with him, to make us really like Rashid.

He's like, oh, he's such a nice guy, and he's like, oh, you want to rub little Henry's head, and, and so it's like, and Henry will hold the love of Rashid in his heart for the next seven years of his life.

He's gonna have that torch.

Rashid means so much to him, and apparently to us.

This dude, Mr. Ghali, comes running up because the workers are all wanting to quit because of a curse. There's a curse!

And you can kind of see the guy in the background doing his, his shady shit.

Yep.

If you look closely.

Yeah, Henry immediately, his ears perk up like a cat's. He's like, curse?

And he's like, curse, remembering that, uh, you know, Ned told him this spooky ass story than, you know, earlier.

About mummies.

And he does not let go of this curse thing ever.

Like a pit bull he latches on to the whole curse deal.

So then, we are conspicuously introduced to Mr. Demetrios, the demolitions expert, who blows up something so that, uh, they can get into the tombs.

Big explosion. Boom!

And then next up, we meet an outrageously French photographer named Pierre Duclos, who is photographing the dig.

He uses flash powder. Flash! So you see the big flash of the camera, you know, old timey 1908 camera.

And so Howard Carter, uh, comes in and identifies, um, some seals, uh, with some obscure pharaoh named Tutankhamun.

Because of course, you know, later on, Howard Carter is the famous discoverer of King Tut's tomb.

As we will talk about in the leader section.

But this isn't it. This was just an archit.

This was just a name drop.

And then you see Henry just grabs a priceless artifact covering in tomb dust off the table.

It's a wooden flute, and he just shoves his slobbery little nine year old mouth all over it.

And everybody's like, oh, you little scamp.

No one says really anything, except for the governess gave him the look like I'm gonna beat you later.

Can you fucking imagine if Dr. Jones Sr. had been in the room, what would have happened to little Henry that night when he got back to the room?

Bullit!

Jesus Christ!

Henry, I'm trying to teach you what happens when you touch valuable artifacts.

Remember, I remember in Last Crusade, when he breaks a vase over his son's head, and then feels bad about it because he thinks he broke a valuable Ming dynasty.

And then he's like, yeah.

That's all part of the whole thing.

Oh, Jr., you have made a terrible mistake. This is for your own good.

Oh, so dark.

Anyway, so yeah, so we meet the dude who blows things up and the guy takes the pictures.

And then 30 seconds later, they walk into a perfectly excavated tomb.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Even though they had just, yeah, through magic because they had just blown up this place.

On the cliffside, which by the way, and then they had to like, but when they filmed it, it was flattened down.

Yeah, you know.

It was so funny.

Yeah, suddenly we're in a sound stage.

Yeah.

Weird how that happens.

So before they go in there, Carter explains that the tomb they're investigating, like you said, is a guy named Kah, who was like an architect or an engineer.

And then the camera kind of weirdly hangs on Demetrius, the demolitions dude, while Carter is explaining things.

Like because this show is not hiding its clues.

No.

This is, and you know, to be fair, this is.

The foreshadowing is not subtle.

It's supposed to be sort of pulp action.

Like in the tradition of Anina Jones, subtle's not supposed to be really part of the deal.

But if you're going to do a murder mystery, you could at least try a little fucking harder.

Like as they're talking about the treasure.

In fairness though, we're talking about a murder mystery that needed to be solved by a 10 year old.

Wait, a nine year old?

Nine.

He hasn't even hit 10 yet.

Not even double digits.

Tisk, tisk, tisk.

And of course, like very young Lawrence of Arabia, who is our.

And again, it was like the kid goes down into the tomb.

It was like, here child, go first.

There might be poisonous gas.

Oh yeah.

Let's look at the fun part.

Because of course, once again, the Dennis the Menace thing, like Howard just immediately is like, oh Henry, would you like to come down into this highly dangerous tomb with us?

Of course.

That's a good chap.

We can all die.

Ho, ho, ho.

And then of course, Henry's like, God jeepers, creepers, golly gee willikers, mister.

It's so bad.

And then you peer, the photographer takes their picture at that exact moment with his creepy, heh, heh, heh.

Smile.

And then Mr. Golly, the dude who is leading the workers, once again, warns the stupid white people about the mummy's curse.

And they give him all the respect you'd expect, you know, early 20th century British people to give.

And he goes, and so I think it was Lawrence who tells him, it's just superstition.

And then Demetrius suddenly says, superstition, it's the curse.

Once again, the camera hangs on him.

It's like, do you get it?

He's going to do something.

And then the kid's just sitting there with the stupid fucking look on his face.

Like, he just maintains that dumbass look throughout the entire show.

It's almost amazing.

Such a great actor.

So Demetrius, so yeah, the soundtrack gets all spooky as they enter the sound stage.

I mean, the tomb.

And Carter explains that airtight chambers can contain poisonous gases.

So if you ever unseal one, you got to be careful.

Right, right?

That's why we have this little canary in a coal mine.

This little boy with us, because he'll be the first to drop.

And then we adults can get our healthier lungs up to safety.

It's such a bad scene.

Now, they say, they talk about that some tombs are booby-trapped,

but say that since Ka was just a lowly architect,

he probably wasn't worth the trouble of any hardcore booby-trappage.

And then they get to the big door.

Carter reads the hieroglyphics on the sealed door.

He that enters my tomb, I shall burn with my fire.

And Indy is stupidly like, oh, we are fucked, y'all.

So they start cutting open this door, and he looks more concerned by the moment.

And then the door magically and easily just glides open without hardly a squeak.

Right, but remember who broke the seals.

It was Rashid at the orders of Mr. Carter.

So they go into the main burial chamber and don't see stuff they were expecting.

And they kind of speculate that maybe people, even though it was sealed,

maybe somebody was in here before us.

But they do find the sarcophagus.

Pop that open so Carter and Lawrence open up the sarcophagus.

And for some reason there's spider webs inside the coffin just to make it creepier.

Yeah, and it reveals Ka's grinning face.

This nasty mummy with his teeth all out.

And so then they have this child go over the coffin and drool on it for a while.

Yeah, little Henry goes, holy smokes, well they're holding big giant torches.

And I swear there's one point where it looked like Henry,

I thought he was just going to drop it.

Poof, mummy go bye bye.

Holy smokes, golly gee willikers.

And that's when he became.

That mummy really goes up fast.

That's the way it should have happened.

So they theorize that there must be like another chamber in here.

So they split up to search for secret doors, D&D style.

And it is Ned who makes the high roll.

And so they find out a place where there's an impression.

So they had to carve it out of the plaster wall.

And then actually pull open the door.

That's when we get a tomb fart.

So the air turns Carter's torch green.

He's like, it's poisonous gas.

Run for your lives.

And they all bolt out of there.

And the old lady was first.

She's fucking quick as a whip, dude.

Yeah, she is spry.

And little Henry, she's like, if you can't keep up, Henry, that is on you.

I can make another one of you with your father.

That's so gross. No.

It would have to be through magic.

So they run away coughing, get fresh air.

And then Carter just says, you know, it'll be safe.

It'll clear out by morning and then we can go back and check it out.

And so Rashid is set to guard the entrance.

And Carter gets a pistol for him from the armory.

So he'll be an armed guard that night.

And little Henry offers to stand guard with him.

And Rashid says, that's very brave of you, Mr. Jones.

But I'll be all right.

Which, you know, again, not very good foreshadowing.

Literally the last words he ever speaks.

Which I still do not understand young Indy's love for this dude.

Like it burns.

Like there must be like half an hour of footage of Indy and Rashid just having the best time.

Going out on boat rides and getting drunk behind a tent.

Looking at nudie magazines.

And then, you know, so we'll never know.

We'll never know the bonding experience that little Indy had with Rashid that made him love him so much.

So Indy wanted to be with him.

Indy wanted to die with Rashid that night.

But instead he went back to his tent.

And covered his head.

Covered his head.

Because he was scared.

Because he was scared.

Because he's been told about curses and mummies coming back to life.

And he saw the fucking mummy and it was creepy as hell.

So we get like an overnight montage.

And little Henry, like you said, wetting himself.

Because there's jackals howling in the distance.

And you see Rashid bravely guarding the entrance.

And that is the last time we see Rashid alive.

Because the next day.

Cut to little Henry shrieking, Rashid! Rashid where are you?

He's missing.

So they go down to the tomb.

And they find Ka, the mummies, out of the coffin.

It's just missing completely.

And Henry immediately knows exactly what happened.

They climbed out of its coffin and got Rashid.

Ah, it's a ghoul!

Miss Seymour's like, you're a fucking idiot Henry.

Shh.

Quiet down now.

I must beat you with my ruler.

So Ned finds Rashid in the treasure chamber.

The one that unsealed the day before.

Very dead.

His face completely burnt off.

Yes, his face is burnt off.

Even though they do find blunt force trauma on the side of his head.

Carter volunteers to take Rashid's body back to Cairo.

For a proper inquiry of the authorities involved.

You know, we do this properly.

I am British.

Yes, because, you know, they have to...

There are rules about grave robbing.

They've got to follow him.

He's followed all the proper paperwork.

He's not a bad guy at all.

But then Ned does some Sherlock Holmes shit.

And finds silver powder, like on the lower half of the corpse.

And nothing seems disturbed in the chamber, so Ned is confused.

About why there's, it doesn't seem to be a motive.

And then Henry reminds everybody,

Duh, you guys.

He who enters my tomb, I shall burn with my fire.

It's the curse, you dumb motherfuckers.

Get out.

Get out while we still can.

And the workers agree and lose their goddamn minds.

Just literally cuts to a shot of them just like,

running and screaming in random directions,

like the most hysterical, is not a flattering look.

It's like, oh, these silly brown people and your superstitions.

You and the child.

Meanwhile, the kid is not helping things.

Screaming, it's like, yeah, that's what happened.

He burned his fucking face off.

And then Mr. Golly is watching smugly from atop the hill.

He's like very clearly not in on this freak out.

So at lunch, Henry is getting more and more worked up.

And the idea that the mummy rose up and killed Rashid.

So Ned had to explain that he just made up all that bullshit

about mummies rising from the dead.

And that he's a pathological liar who should be ashamed of himself.

But his favorite drug is terrifying little boys.

It's very funny.

Yeah.

And he's like, what, you're a fucking liar, you piece of shit?

Yeah, he did not seem very happy about him exaggerating the truth.

But then Lawrence is like, yes, but it makes life more interesting.

See, old boy, it'll be great.

And so it doesn't matter.

Henry never loses his love for Ned and how great he is.

And so really this is just the adventures in this dementious dude head.

So to prove just absolutely how there is no danger of runaway mummies,

Ned drags Henry and Miss Seymour back down into the tomb to look for more clues.

Like, yes, what this situation needs is a nine year old boy.

Multiple times.

The nine year old boy, the worst lookout ever.

Yeah.

Well, right now they're just going around looking for clues.

And Henry checks, looks in the coffin to make sure Ka is still missing.

And he is.

And then looking around, they also find a big bust of Ka as he appeared in life.

And there's an inscription.

And Ned apparently can read hieroglyphics just as proficiently as Howard Carter.

Because he immediately just goes, oh, yes.

And he's like, blah, blah, blah, blah.

A sacred jackal with eyes of fire.

Except they realize that Henry points out that there is no headpiece on this little statue.

And then that's where Ned's like, ah, it's broken off.

And he's like, jolly good, we have a motive now.

And they realize, okay, so our boy Rashid was killed so that somebody could snatch this piece of treasure off of the statue's head.

The jackal with eyes of fire.

While everyone else was waiting for the poison air to clean, to clear.

Yep.

It's very sad.

Yep, kills him for the treasure.

And so Ned later on, they're back in the mess tent.

And Ned draws a picture.

And young Indy takes this very personally.

Oh, he is not...

Stolen for gain.

It belongs in a museum.

And Ned draws a picture of what this jackal headpiece is supposed to look like.

And Indy keeps it.

It's in his journal later on, like years later.

So they go over their list of suspects.

And apparently, young Indy gets obsessed with this for the rest of his life, or at least for the next seven years.

So their first suspect is named, is Mr. Ghali, the leader of the workers, because he wears a fez.

And so they're like, okay, maybe him.

Next, they pull out the silver powder that Ned had taken off the corpse and put in an envelope.

And he pulls it out, lights it with a match, and he goes, poof.

Looks just like the photographer's flash powder.

So next on the list is Pierre.

So the next morning, Ned scares the bejesus out of Henry in bed.

So it has this menacing shot of someone sneaking up on little sleeping Henry.

And then Ned just puts his hand in his mouth.

Poor kid, he finally got to sleep.

Once again, his favorite drug is making little kids shit themselves.

So Henry has to change his pants again before the next move.

So he's trying to, he wants him to be quiet because he asks Henry to be a lookout

because Ned wants to go search Pierre's tent for clues.

So Henry's supposed to keep an eye on the photographer, Ned's gonna go, Ned draws his service pistol,

and it looks for a second like he's about to hand it to him.

He's like, Henry old lad, if you have to drill that French motherfucker, this is what you use.

It's very funny.

Squeeze the trigger, do not pull it.

Shoot for center mass.

But no, he actually just takes the gun himself and Ned runs into the tent.

But he wants to make sure and he goes, oh, what did he say?

Holy smokes.

He always says he's super cheesy, wholesome little apple pie phrases like that at this point.

He's Batman's sidekick. He's just Robin.

Very different. You know, later on Dr. James' word phrase is like, oh shit.

He can't be Batman yet. Right now he's just Robin.

He's a nine-year-old boy. We'll go easy on him.

So anyway, so Henry watches Pierre smoking a cigarette,

and then he kind of makes his way into the tomb in a very suspicious manner.

So the little boy very intelligently follows the suspected murderer by himself down into the dark dungeon.

Yeah, where his friend was just murdered. Possibly by this dude.

Good call, Henry. Up top, Ned doesn't find shit in the tent,

and then starts wondering what the hell happened to that kid.

And so then he goes, grabs Mrs. Seymour. Mrs. Seymour sees that the gun's out.

He's like, what happened? What's going on? He's like, to the tomb!

So maybe he's like, maybe I shouldn't have involved a small child in my murder investigation.

So creeping around in the dark, Henry nervously leans up against a wall,

and he accidentally pops open another little secret chamber, almost like a little closet,

which is where he finds the mummy. Or rather, it falls on top of him.

So Ca the mummy falls on top of Henry and traumatizes him for life. No.

He 100% shits his pants, and cries his eyes out every night for a month after this.

He is fucked up. This is years of therapy.

He's had this guy been told that a mummy will come into life and try to kill you,

and then this mummy just comes flying at him. It's fucked up. Poor little boy.

He's face first in a mummy. It's terrible.

So little Henry's screaming, the mummy, he's gonna kill me! He's gonna kill me!

And then he's screaming at the crazed Frenchman, trying to kill him.

He's like, just like you killed Rashid!

And then Ned, just as Ned rushes in with a fucking draw gun,

and Pierre's like, oh no, I am the fucked!

And Pierre explains it, like, dude, I was just taking unauthorized photographs

so I can sell them to the newspapers and make some extra scratch.

I am just an unethical photojournalist. I am not a murderer.

And then when questioned, he's like, yeah, but what about that magnesium powder?

Huh, huh, you murdering bastard?

And Pierre points out, like, I am not the only one who uses magnesium powder. No, no.

And then we go to suspect number two.

Well, that's when Henry finds a clue in the mummy.

So kind of wedged in between Ca's ribs is the ignition pump,

that thing you use when you're doing blasting a big thing of dynamite,

you have that box with the pump and the line that goes to the actual dynamite.

Well, the little pump handle is wedged inside of Ca's ribs for some goddamn reason

that makes no sense other than it's a good clue to tell us why would that be there?

No fucking clue. It makes no sense.

They needed evidence.

Bad writing is the real reason, but it works for the purposes of our story.

Suddenly, so Ned smacks himself on the head like he could have had a V8.

He's like, Demetrius!

And so we've identified our murderer.

So they go dashing off to prove the case once and for all.

So they go into Demetrius' tent and match it to his dynamite box.

Because it's a good piece of evidence.

Yep.

Mystery solved.

So they instantly solve it, and then Henry goes like, look, magnesium powder!

I mean, it's like a Scooby-Doo kind of ending where, like, all the clues are lining up.

So then you just had to pull off his mask and find out it was just actually old man Willikers,

the owner of the abandoned amusement park.

And then, in this case, he gets away.

But in this case, yeah, he gets away.

And torment young Indiana for seven long years.

Yes.

Realizing that the dastardly villain has escaped, Ned dons his trusty bicycle.

And weirdly enough, like, in a split second, he jumps on the bicycle and suddenly he's wearing his turban again.

Because he has to look cool for his heroic shot as he rides off into the distance.

And Henry's like, don't go, Ned!

And then, uh, he promises to write Henry.

Ned's like, he declares it.

And you really are splendid, chap!

That's how young Indiana Jones became friends with Lawrence of Arabia.

For absolutely two years.

And carried the burning love of Rashid.

The torch of love for Rashid.

Until he can finally revenge his death.

So we cut back to 1982.

And I say revenged, because that's ultimately what happens.

Yeah.

We'll get there.

Spoilers.

Not for a while.

We've got seven years to go before we get to avenging Rashid's death.

We will miss him dearly.

Oh, Rashid.

We'll think about you every day.

The missing Rashid years are really going to take a lot out of us.

So we return back to 1992 and old-ass Indiana Jones.

Who says, he rode like the wind, like the hand of God was upon him.

Don't forget me, he cried, as if I have a wood.

The man was a hero, even then.

That's okay.

Yeah.

Then he has another senior moment and completely forgets what he's talking about.

Oh, this is a cheese.

Fucking, what am I doing here?

He's like, why are these children hanging around me?

Genuinely, he's like, there's no fucking clue what's going on.

And the kids bug the old man.

It's like, did he catch the killer?

And then old Indy suddenly remembers what he's fucking talking about again.

And he explains that the bad guy got away by the ship

and that Ned had missed him by like five minutes.

And they're like, well, then what happened?

And he's like, oh, well, Ms. Sheebor and I went back to Cairo with my parents.

We're back on our trip.

Fuck off.

The little kids have like story blue balls

because they're like, wait a second, there was a murder and stolen treasure

and you like forced us to just listen to you for goddamn hours.

Our school bus has left.

We've been abandoned in the city.

And they're like, is that all?

And then he goes, of course not.

And then they start chasing him down to bug him again.

Now it would be hilarious if he literally said, of course not.

And just walked away.

And those kids never knew what happened or anything else for the rest of time.

However, in reality, the second half of the introductory movie

will pick back up seven years later with Sean Patrick Flannery

when he solves the murder and recovers the treasure.

But that's not for us today because we are going chronological.

And that sucks.

So we don't get dreamy teenage Indy for a while, Bambi.

We got little boy Indy.

He's so annoying and Sean Patrick Flannery is so hot.

It's not fair.

No, we are stuck with young Indy for a while

with just a little bit of George Hall to get us through it.

This gnarled old fucking tree.

He's so bad.

Snow bastard.

It's all so bad.

So now we get to our second section of the show.

That belongs in a museum.

This is where we go over the historical figures, lessons, and artifacts

featured in today's episode.

Oh, goody, this is my lesson.

So we're just going over what we saw on the show.

So we have the lovely graphic description of the making of an Egyptian mummy

when he was making everybody puke in the galley on the ship.

He's like, yeah, you've got to break the nose

before you tease the brains out with a hook.

Get this lovely little thing.

He gave a whole speech about embalming.

Talking about separating the organs into canopic jars and all that shit.

So you've got some nice little...

Hey, we learned that shit at almost the same age.

And honestly, as a nine-year-old boy, that's the most perfect shit.

It's gross and macabre and all that.

So early on we visit the pyramids and the Sphinx

and you get a little history lesson from Miss Seymour.

Oh, and I can't express how good the shots are.

Yeah, it's gorgeous and it really makes you want...

It would be really cool to see these things with your own eyes.

And of course, our first historical personage is Lawrence of Arabia.

Dun, dun, dun.

That's the thing, his name was, I think, Theodore?

He went by Ned, which I guess was like Ted.

Theodore, Ted, Ned, I don't know why he went by that, but whatever.

Mr. Lawrence.

And they wanted to make that establishing and leaving shots of him,

that iconic him on a bicycle with the turban wrapped around his head,

his piercing blue eyes over his tanned English skin.

And no eyeliner.

But seeing him on the bicycle both times is kind of ironic

because, I don't know if you know this, but the real Lawrence of Arabia died

because of injuries suffered in a motorcycle accident.

He wasn't even very old.

Poor guy didn't even... I think he died two years younger than I am right now.

I don't know a whole lot about Lawrence of Arabia.

I never saw the film.

Really good movie.

Not necessarily all historically accurate, but very cool guy.

Not historically accurate? You don't say.

However, the main idea...

Lawrence of Arabia was most famous for being involved in the Arab revolt

against the Ottoman Empire, so the Turks.

It's nobody's business but the Turks.

This definitely...

Indiana Jones is fudging with history here

because I don't think he even learned Arabic until 1910

and he didn't visit Egypt until 1912.

So him even being here was totally fudged and bullshit.

The real Lawrence never was going to be around at this point.

He was, however, super interested in archaeology

and he had checked out all these castles in Europe

and then went down and did some tomb raiding in Egypt

just not until several years later.

So he would never have caught up with young Henry.

They fudged a timeline.

It's not going to be their greatest crime.

Just to make it work.

No, not even a little bit.

We also, of course, meet Howard Carter,

famous for his work in the Valley of the Kings

and the fact that he discovered King Tut's tomb.

Famous, horrific tomb robber.

As far as I can tell from a quick check,

this famous tomb robber wasn't working anywhere near

the Valley of the Kings in 1908.

However, we did get that name drop of King Tut.

Like, I am on the trail of Tutankhamen.

Which is funny.

It'd be jolly good if I found that king's tomb.

And wasn't he discovered it almost by accident?

Yeah.

It was literally just one of the people working in there

accidentally opened the thing and found it.

Yeah, it was not him.

Not him at all.

Other than just him getting local workers.

I have to be the first one in the tomb

because I need the pictures.

So we had a photographer with him.

So Ka, the mummy featured in this episode,

turns out there really was a royal architect named

Ka in the 18th dynasty of Egypt.

This is about 1400 BC.

However, it turns out that Ka's tomb was actually

discovered in 1906 by Egyptologist Ernesto Schiraparelli.

Which is why Ka's mummy and most of the artifacts

are in a museum in Turin, Italy.

So Howard Carter had nothing to do with the discovery of Ka.

And actually if you want to see this,

over 500 artifacts from Ka's tomb are in Italy.

Very cool.

What about the headpiece?

There was no such thing.

There was however, I'll put it up in the show notes.

There was a cool medical examination,

like only from a few years back where they had some

forensic medical dudes examine the mummy in all this detail.

He was not mummified the way little Henry described.

This was like a whole body mummy with the brains

and all the organs still inside the corpse.

Ooh, a juicy one.

So he was a juicy mummy and they were able to do

all this examination to get all this medical information.

So I'll put that link in the show notes

for when he wants to find out about dead Ka.

So yeah, the jackal of the eyes of fire.

This seems to be 100% made up by George Lucas

just to give us a treasure to be a centerpiece for the whole thing.

Because that's what really it's about, is the treasure.

Yeah, because there is, I mean there is,

there's another thing that'll go in the show notes.

There's a Wikipedia entry that's literally all about

this exact excavation of Ka's tomb

that has a pretty big list of all the artifacts recovered

and nothing about a jackal, nothing that sexy.

Which makes sense.

And I think that as far as the history,

artifact, archaeology and that kind of shit,

I think that's just about it.

Alright.

Do you think of anything else?

Historically speaking?

No, not really.

Alright, well I think that'll do it for today.

The second half of Curse of the Jackal

will have to wait again a while

because we're going to continue the adventures

of young 9-year-old Indiana Jones next week.

Because he hates me.

Yep, you have to earn it.

You have to earn your River Phoenix and Sean Patrick Flannery.

First of all, I could never, ever earn

the love of either of those men.

But, I have loved them for a very long time.

I love Harrison Ford and I gotta wait longer than that.

I love Harrison Ford, even if he is a crotchety old bastard.

If you are still listening and you want to continue

with our adventures with Henry Jones Jr.

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Yep, you're going to hear each other read children's books

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That would be nice.

Yeah.

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Yeah, and you know, if we can tease people with a Q&A.

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subscriptions, so more on that soon.

Until then, catch you next time.

Bye.

Maybe it's cool for you, dude, but we think it stinks.

Hold on or I'll clobber ya.