In compassionate parenting, we talk a lot about emotions. In today’s episode I’m explaining the 5 emotional needs of kids, how unmet needs show up in behavior and how you can support your child’s emotional health.
In last week’s Parenting 101 episode, I talked about the core needs of attachment and authenticity for humans, including how we can teach better coping strategies while validating our kids’ emotions and authentic selves.
This week, we’re diving deeper into what is really going on when your child is misbehaving. Remember, feelings drive behavior. As parents, we can use our kids’ behavior as information to help them deal with the emotions underneath.
These five needs are essential for all of us, and anytime we have a need that isn’t being met, we’ll look for a strategy to cope or try to get what we want. The same is true of our kids.
Please don’t judge yourself as we go through these. It is not your responsibility to meet every one of these needs at all times, but it is important to recognize that when your child has an unmet need, they will have feelings about it (fear, worry, sadness, etc.) and these will show up in their behavior.
Attachment
For humans, attachment means safety. Kids need to feel safe, secure and connected in their relationship with their parents. An unmet need for attachment feels unsafe, insecure, worried, anxious, scared or hurt.
Acceptance
This relates to our core need for authenticity, the ability to be accepted for who we are, without conditions or expectations. Your child doesn’t want to believe that they have to earn your love. They want to feel like, at their core, they’re great and there is nothing wrong with them. When kids start to sense that they aren’t being accepted for their authentic self, they might feel rejected, unwanted, neglected or abandoned.
Affection
Our children thrive on physical touch and affection. This physical affection can serve as a symbol of your connection and attachment. Unmet affection needs show up as feelings of loneliness, fear or sadness.
Appreciation
We all have work to do in the world. We have a primal need for our lives to matter and to feel like we have purpose. Even kids need to feel seen and that they matter. They need to feel valued and recognized for their efforts and achievements. Feeling unappreciated can also look like feeling unworthy, disapproved of or even unlovable.
Autonomy
Kids crave a sense of independence and control over their lives (as becomes obvious when they learn the word “no” as toddlers). The need for agency and autonomy is there at all ages, but becomes especially true during the teen years. In order to go out into the world, they need to believe that they have power over their lives and be trusted with that power. When this need isn’t met, we feel powerless, trapped and scared.
I sometimes call this therapeutic parenting, because you’re learning how the brain and psychology work so that you can become your child's emotional coach, guiding them through navigating their emotions and understanding their needs.
When you see arguing, blaming, stalling, hitting, kicking, spitting, complaining, intense crying, hiding, lying or other challenging behaviors, you can get curious about what feelings and unmet needs are underneath.
Step 1: Tune into your child’s emotional state.
Be present, listen actively, and offer empathetic responses. Our kids need to feel seen, heard, and valued for their emotional experiences. We need to be present and attuned to their needs, but it doesn’t mean we have to solve every problem for them.
Step 2: Recognize the need.
Get curious about what need isn’t being met. As you look at your child’s behavior, ask yourself what is going on under the surface? What is the unmet emotional need here? Then, narrate to your child what they might be missing. This will help them start to understand themselves more and communicate their needs.
Step 3: Offer solutions.
Try to give them a little way to get that need met. Sometimes, our kids don't need us to solve the problem. They just need us to acknowledge their feelings and provide a supportive presence while they figure it out. They need to know their grown-ups have their back and they can trust them.
When a child feels that deep sense of safety, then they can take risks, problem solve, be creative, play and feel good. When they are able to be themselves, express their feelings and get their needs met, they are less anxious and irritable. There are fewer behavior problems because your kid feels good.
This attachment comes from having a warm, attuned interaction with you.
When you do this over and over, your child starts to learn that they can handle their feelings, they know how to take care of themself and that they can trust their parent. They grow up to be more content and know how to get their needs met.
We want to give our kids the beliefs that they have power in their lives, they can be creative and solve problems, they can trust their attachments and that they matter.
What did you wish you heard from your parents when you were little? Practice saying those things to your kids now.
This might look like, “The feeling you have right now is because you’re feeling powerless, but you always have power and choice in your life.” Or, “The feeling you have right now is because you’re feeling lonely, but I want you to know that we’re always connected even if we’re not together.”
By recognizing and meeting their emotional needs for attachment, acceptance, affection, appreciation, and autonomy, you lay the foundation for your child’s emotional health throughout their lives.
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host.
Speaker:I'm Darlyn Childress, and I'm a parent coach, a parent
Speaker:educator. You can think of it that way as well. And I'm also a life
Speaker:coach, trained life coach. And today, I am gonna
Speaker:piggyback on last week's episode where I talked about the parenting
Speaker:101, the basics of parenting. And, essentially,
Speaker:I described sort of these core needs that
Speaker:we have as humans in order to thrive. And
Speaker:so, essentially, as humans, we have the need for
Speaker:attachment and the need for authenticity. So what that means
Speaker:is we have this This primal need to feel
Speaker:attached to our caregiver, especially in early infancy and in
Speaker:in early childhood. And we also have this
Speaker:core human need to be
Speaker:seen and appreciated as the individual that we are and be our
Speaker:authentic self. And what happens in parenting is
Speaker:that our children are, you know, so primed
Speaker:For attachment, because attachment means safety, that they
Speaker:will, you know, express their authentic self through
Speaker:their behavior because they're Sure. And they'll show you their feelings through their
Speaker:behavior. And if they feel like their behavior
Speaker:is going to risk attachment, They will
Speaker:shut down their authentic self
Speaker:and in order to get you to attach to them because
Speaker:they need You to be connected to them and
Speaker:committed to them, and otherwise, they'll die. And and so there's this tension
Speaker:sometimes in parenting where we see a kid's behavior
Speaker:And we see them acting out, and and it's like, we
Speaker:don't like their behavior, and we accidentally
Speaker:Devalue their personhood because we're basing
Speaker:their personhood on how they're acting instead of looking at,
Speaker:Okay. They have an authentic emotion. They have an authentic
Speaker:experience that is true for them, and I can validate
Speaker:that Without threatening attachment or without
Speaker:trying to, you know, shame
Speaker:them or or put them into a fear place In order to change their
Speaker:behavior. So as a parent, though, it's tricky because
Speaker:we feel like we should teach them how to behave, which we should. Right? We
Speaker:want them to Be able to, you know, get along with
Speaker:friends and us and, like, not scream and kick and hit and punch and all
Speaker:of those things. And so we're trying to, like, parent their
Speaker:behavior so that you know, go back to last week's episode. I'm I'm
Speaker:essentially saying, It's okay to validate an emotion
Speaker:and say, like, your feeling makes sense. Who you are is 100%
Speaker:acceptable, And this behavior is just a strategy
Speaker:that we need to work on and separating the person from the
Speaker:behavior, separating the child from their, You know, the way they're
Speaker:acting, that is just such a huge
Speaker:uh-huh, hopefully, for you. Like, if you can really grow in that,
Speaker:Sometimes we say, you know, you you know, you're a
Speaker:liar versus you're lying. Right? You're a liar
Speaker:is saying, like, who you are at your core Is bad.
Speaker:And instead of looking and judging the behavior and making it personal,
Speaker:that would squash authenticity. We're saying, oh, no. No. No. You're a
Speaker:regular great person, and right now, you're currently lying. And we need to work on
Speaker:that strategy and figure out why you're lying and what need you're trying to meet.
Speaker:And in that process, we're not,
Speaker:threatening our attachment.
Speaker:K. So I'm not gonna belabor that anymore because I was in last week's episode.
Speaker:But I wanted to remind us about it because today, I'm
Speaker:going to talk about How this shows up
Speaker:the how the behavior shows up and give you some
Speaker:insight into what's going on when your kid is misbehaving.
Speaker:Because they're like, I always say, you know, feelings drive
Speaker:behavior, and behavior is a form of communication. So I say that
Speaker:all the time. And the reason why I say that is because I want you
Speaker:to learn to look at your child's behavior as, like, a data point,
Speaker:as information. Really seeing okay.
Speaker:This kid is, you know, complaining all the time. This kid is
Speaker:refusing to clean up their room. This kid is always hitting their sibling.
Speaker:This kid, Deborah does their homework. This kid lies to me about doing
Speaker:their homework. This kid asks for Chicken
Speaker:nuggets. And then I give him chicken nuggets, and then he's immediately like, I don't
Speaker:want chicken nuggets. And you're going insane. Right? And you're like, how do
Speaker:I deal with this behavior? So One of the big,
Speaker:you know, frameworks that we're working under is understanding that that
Speaker:behavior is an expression
Speaker:Of your child's emotions, that there's a
Speaker:feeling underneath. And if we can soothe
Speaker:and validate that emotion, Then work on the strategy.
Speaker:So today, I wanna talk a little bit more about what it
Speaker:means to Validate an emotion
Speaker:and talk a little bit deeper into where
Speaker:behavior is coming from. Okay. I don't
Speaker:wanna get too in the weeds on it, but I am going to talk about
Speaker:five Emotional needs that we have,
Speaker:all of us have at all times. These are real
Speaker:broad categories. They are all start with the letter a, so
Speaker:maybe that helps you. And thinking about
Speaker:the The core drives. And so when a
Speaker:child has a need, an emotional need, and they
Speaker:don't it's not being met. I don't want you to judge
Speaker:yourself. You don't have to meet every emotional need. But for whatever reason, if the
Speaker:child is feeling their emotional need isn't being met,
Speaker:Then they're going to have emotions about that. They're gonna
Speaker:feel afraid. They're gonna feel worried. They're gonna feel sad.
Speaker:They're gonna have feelings, and then we're gonna show those feelings in their behavior.
Speaker:So if you can address the core
Speaker:emotional need And you can articulate that. You
Speaker:can kind of narrate that for your child. They
Speaker:will begin to understand themselves more
Speaker:And maybe communicate what they actually need.
Speaker:That's the goal. When we talk about emotional literacy,
Speaker:we say That a person who is emotionally literate
Speaker:is a person who knows what they're feeling,
Speaker:knows how to talk about that feeling, like how to express it, And
Speaker:it knows what to do with it. And it
Speaker:happens in that fashion. 1st, you have to name it.
Speaker:You have to know what it's called, and then you have to know how to
Speaker:talk about it, and then you have to know what to do with it. So
Speaker:as a parent, we're working at, addressing those emotional
Speaker:needs. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know,
Speaker:you know, we talk about this in the connection portion when I teach connection all
Speaker:about Naming the feeling. And I I've
Speaker:heard from many of you that you'll say, okay. Well, I'm like, oh, you're sad.
Speaker:And they're like, yes. And then you're like, I don't know what to do about
Speaker:that. And, like, we're gonna talk about how to solve that.
Speaker:But sadness is like the
Speaker:expression of an unmet At need. So let me explain what this means.
Speaker:So you have these 5 emotional needs. You have the need for
Speaker:attachment, The need for acceptance,
Speaker:the need for affection, the need for
Speaker:appreciation, And the need for autonomy.
Speaker:So I'll go through this again if while you're listening. We all have this need
Speaker:to feel attached. Right? Talked about that last week. It's at our
Speaker:core. When we don't feel attached.
Speaker:Other words for attachment Could be belonging,
Speaker:connection, or attention. When we
Speaker:feel someone is paying attention to us, looking at us in their In
Speaker:their eyes and and being present with us, we feel
Speaker:attached to them. We feel connected to them.
Speaker:So that's our core need. It's our core
Speaker:emotional need is to have this feeling of attachment.
Speaker:And when that feels like it's not being met,
Speaker:Our feeling then is feeling unsafe,
Speaker:feeling insecure, feeling worried,
Speaker:feeling anxious, Feeling scared. Feeling
Speaker:hurt. So we're gonna label those feelings, and I want
Speaker:you to start to think about, As you look at your children's behavior,
Speaker:thinking about what is the unmet emotional need
Speaker:here? What is going on Under
Speaker:the surface, where is this anxiety coming from?
Speaker:Is this a need for attachment? Okay?
Speaker:The second one, acceptance. This is that piece about
Speaker:authenticity that, you know, really broke down last week.
Speaker:They a child wants you to
Speaker:delight in them exactly as they are. They don't wanna believe that they
Speaker:have to earn your love Or earn your,
Speaker:your your care. They wanna feel like
Speaker:they you you they're just great at their core That
Speaker:there's nothing wrong with them. And if they start to
Speaker:sense that they aren't being accepted for their authentic self,
Speaker:Then they might feel rejected or unwanted,
Speaker:and they might not know what to do with that feeling, A feeling of being
Speaker:abandoned possibly or neglected. So they
Speaker:might be feeling neglected, and that's because their
Speaker:perception of the situation is that they aren't
Speaker:being fully accepted and loved as they are. So this is all
Speaker:going on inside your kid. So I sometimes think I call
Speaker:this therapeutic parenting because you're kind of, like, learning how the
Speaker:brain works and how psychology works, And you're that's because I want you
Speaker:to become your child's emotional coach. That's what we're that's what we're
Speaker:doing. I'm your coach. I'm your emotional coach. I'm your
Speaker:child's emotional coach. I'm coaching you through I'm coaching your child through you.
Speaker:I'm giving you the tools To to do this process, to
Speaker:actually be present and be aware. So we have
Speaker:that need for attachment. We have that need for acceptance. Then we
Speaker:have the need for affection, and this is
Speaker:all through our lives. We need to be touched. We need to be,
Speaker:kind of held. Our body has needs, and so
Speaker:our children, they may need affection. And you can see this when you have a
Speaker:child who's, like, really on top of you. Lincoln,
Speaker:he was insecurely attached, in the beginning of his
Speaker:life with me, and I I always felt like I'd say, like it
Speaker:felt like he wanted to climb back, like, in me or climb in me. You
Speaker:know? Like, if he could get into my skin, he would. He just wanted to
Speaker:be so close. That was his need for
Speaker:that affection, and it really symbolized for him
Speaker:connection. It was an it was an actual Physical
Speaker:manifestation of our attachment. And when we were
Speaker:separated, it was hard for him because he The attachment
Speaker:felt afraid. He felt afraid. So he needed that affection because then that felt
Speaker:the affection feels soothing. So if he wasn't getting
Speaker:it, If that need wasn't being met or he perceived it as
Speaker:not being met, then it would show up with feelings of
Speaker:loneliness, feelings of fear, Feeling of sadness,
Speaker:and then he would act those feelings out. Okay. So
Speaker:we've done 3. We've done attachment. In acceptance, we've done
Speaker:affection. 4th one, appreciation. This is a
Speaker:funny one because As as a human
Speaker:species, like, I think all animals I'm not positive, but, like, I think all animals
Speaker:have, like, work to do in the world. Right? They have, like,
Speaker:a job. And, like, not just, like, mammals, but, like, everybody.
Speaker:Everyone has a job. We're all, like, here to do something. We all have a
Speaker:purpose. And that's Part of the, like, primal
Speaker:need that we all have is to have our life
Speaker:matter and to feel like we're important and we bring
Speaker:meaning To the world, even little kids, they wanna be
Speaker:appreciated. They want to, you know, be seen. They wanna feel like they
Speaker:have meaning, that they have that they matter. And
Speaker:so our child, if they're feeling unseen, if they're
Speaker:feeling unappreciated, if if they're feeling like they don't matter,
Speaker:Their feelings might be feeling unworthy,
Speaker:might feeling, disapproval. They might be feeling that you don't like
Speaker:them. Right? So they might be feeling unlovable.
Speaker:They might be feeling despised, you know, or just
Speaker:underappreciated. So when you start to see some behaviors, this
Speaker:is what I want you to do. I want you to be like, okay. Here's
Speaker:this behavior, and here's the feeling. Like, what? Go
Speaker:deeper. One level deeper. Like, what's going on here? Are they trying to
Speaker:get like, what need are they trying to get met?
Speaker:What need are they trying to get met?
Speaker:Alright. Last 1, autonomy. This is
Speaker:So obvious as soon as your kid turns 2, they learn the
Speaker:word no, and they are off to the races with trying to
Speaker:find Agency and autonomy in their life. They want
Speaker:power. Now this isn't a bad
Speaker:thing. This is actually vital for
Speaker:our kids and all of us to go out in the
Speaker:world and do things. Like, we have to believe That we
Speaker:have, you know, power over our lives and that our lives matter and
Speaker:that we, you know, are safe. And so we want to
Speaker:have agency. You can think of as agency or autonomy.
Speaker:And when we don't have that now this is especially
Speaker:true once you get teenagers because They
Speaker:actually developmentally need to practice
Speaker:having autonomy and having agency In order to
Speaker:go out in the world and launch without you there,
Speaker:they've gotta have some some belief inside of them that they can
Speaker:have power over their Lives and that they can be trusted with that power.
Speaker:So this very primal need is
Speaker:autonomy. And so and you don't when you when you perceive
Speaker:that need not being met, you are going to feel powerless.
Speaker:You're gonna feel stuck. You're gonna feel trapped. You're gonna feel
Speaker:scared. It's gonna show up. It's gonna show up in your
Speaker:behavior. So what behaviors am I talking about? What What
Speaker:behaviors are you seeing? You know you're a parent. Right? You know what behaviors
Speaker:are. Some of the behaviors you might be seeing is just like negotiating
Speaker:and arguing. Right? Persistent questioning,
Speaker:making promises for the future, blaming you for their mistake,
Speaker:going really slowly, Using their body,
Speaker:hitting, kicking, spitting, punching, you know, complaining, complaining,
Speaker:complaining, rage, Pouting, intense crying,
Speaker:separating from you, running away, hiding, lying, not doing what you want
Speaker:them to do, bothering their siblings. Right. So when you start
Speaker:to see these behaviors, you can go like, oh, okay. I
Speaker:wonder if they're not feeling accepted right now. I wonder if they're feeling
Speaker:like like I'm mad at them and that, you know, I'm
Speaker:I'm I'm like, they're feeling disconnected.
Speaker:So when you're seeing these behaviors, I want you to start thinking, like, what is
Speaker:driving this behavior? Is this a need for autonomy? Is this a need for
Speaker:appreciation? Is this a need for affection? Is this a need
Speaker:for acceptance? Or is this a need for attachment or connection?
Speaker:And You can see it, like, you know, when they have sibling problems. You're
Speaker:like, oh, they must not be seeing feeling seen. They must not be feeling
Speaker:appreciated. I must not be feeling heard or accepted.
Speaker:So what what do you do when you are
Speaker:seeing these behaviors? How do you actually handle it? How do you,
Speaker:you know, talk about it with your kid? So what does a
Speaker:person need when they feel that their needs are not being
Speaker:met? I want them to be met. Right? But
Speaker:you cannot meet every emotional need at all times. Like, I remember learning
Speaker:this. That's why I I haven't really taught this concept very
Speaker:much because I think it can feel really like, I can't do
Speaker:that. Like, I can't meet every single Social need. I have 3 kids.
Speaker:I work. I have a marriage. I have, you know, ailing
Speaker:parents. Like, I have stuff going on in my own mental health issues.
Speaker:I've My health you know, I've gotta manage this house. I get it.
Speaker:And I felt the same way. But what I've found is that when
Speaker:I Pay attention
Speaker:to the emotional need and and being curious about what
Speaker:may or may not be being met here. I don't
Speaker:have to solve the problem. It's just attuning into
Speaker:it. Like, attunement is this being,
Speaker:You know, aware of the child's emotional state
Speaker:and joining in it with them for a bit. You
Speaker:don't have to Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it.
Speaker:Your job isn't to meet every emotional need. It's almost to rec help
Speaker:your child recognize they have those needs, and they can get those
Speaker:needs met in a variety of ways.
Speaker:It doesn't have to be the way that they think it needs to be met.
Speaker:It can be you know, you want mommies to pay attention. You
Speaker:want mommy to look at your face and, like, play with you right now, but
Speaker:I am cooking dinner. So, of course, you want me you know, you're
Speaker:feeling, you know, you know, you're
Speaker:feeling you don't wanna say you wouldn't you wouldn't say, like, you're feeling unattached. You
Speaker:wouldn't say that to them, but you'd be like, you're feeling sad that I'm busy.
Speaker:And you say, so you can either join me here because I wanna be with
Speaker:you, and we're safe, and we're together, Or you can go play, and
Speaker:you can come check on me in a few minutes. I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker:So we're like a suit we're soothing the need,
Speaker:But the way that we're communicating, we're saying to our kids,
Speaker:I it's okay. Yeah. You can you feel you feel a little bit sad. That's
Speaker:alright. And in your mind, you're like you know? Or, like, you're feeling you you
Speaker:feel like mommy's always bossing you. Yeah. I told you no,
Speaker:and then I told you no again, and I told you no again, and now
Speaker:you have no power. And you just you just really want some power in your
Speaker:life, don't you? You know? Like, yeah.
Speaker:Okay. What you here's what you have power over, and you can set a limit.
Speaker:You'd be like, you're welcome to, like, go in your stuff you know, play with
Speaker:your stuffed animals and, like, make a big tower and knock it down. Like, got
Speaker:pretty powerful. Right? Or
Speaker:an older kid, like a 9 year old, you're like, listen. This is
Speaker:happening. You're turning off your VR machine. Like, that feels
Speaker:terrible, but you have power over how it how you handle it. You have power
Speaker:over the timing. So you can do it now and move
Speaker:on, or you can do it in a little bit. And if you cause a
Speaker:problem in the meantime, you know, you can fix it. But
Speaker:you you have power over how you handle it.
Speaker:It's not like you're like, Oh, you have you're feeling powerless? Okay. Just do whatever
Speaker:you want. Right? Oh, I I you know? Oh, you're feeling sad and
Speaker:scared when you're, You know, mommy's busy. Okay. I'll just stop what I'm doing and
Speaker:go play with you. That that's not a way to live a life. It's
Speaker:impossible. You can't constantly Attune
Speaker:meet every single emotional need in the way the child wants
Speaker:it, but you can be creative about how they get that need met.
Speaker:So the first step for you is
Speaker:acknowledging attuning tuning in to
Speaker:the child's emotional state. And, really, the invitation
Speaker:to you is just getting a little more curious. Like, what is happening here?
Speaker:And I'm sure you asked that Like, what the hell is going on here? Like,
Speaker:this is insane. Why are they freaking out about I just asked them to, like,
Speaker:go grab a diaper for the baby. And, like, now they're, like,
Speaker:Completely melting down. What in the world?
Speaker:When you feel that way, I want you to go, what is the need here?
Speaker:Is it attention, affection, Appreciation, you know,
Speaker:acceptance or autonomy. And then try to give them a little way
Speaker:to get that. So what the child is seeking,
Speaker:they're not actually seeking a they
Speaker:want the they want the need met, And they have an idea of how they
Speaker:could get it met, but, ultimately, they, you know, you're the grown up and that
Speaker:you're in charge of them and that you meet their needs, and they can trust
Speaker:that, and so they want you to respond. They want
Speaker:you to be emotionally reliable and somebody
Speaker:that they feel safe with, That they can communicate their
Speaker:need and that they can trust that somehow you're gonna figure it
Speaker:out with them and that you're gonna problem solve,
Speaker:and you're gonna be present with them while they struggle
Speaker:towards getting that need met. Safety.
Speaker:The deep core thing that our children need is
Speaker:that attachment. Right? That deep feeling Of the grown ups
Speaker:around me have got my back. I can trust the
Speaker:people in my life. They're gonna take care of me. I don't have
Speaker:to worry about my needs getting met. When a
Speaker:child feels that deep sense of safety, Then they
Speaker:can take risks, and they can problem solve, and they can be creative, and they
Speaker:can play, and they can feel good. Right? That's what we want. So
Speaker:How do they get that? They get that safety, that attachment
Speaker:from having a warm, attuned interaction
Speaker:with you. So it's it's warm. It's not cold.
Speaker:It's attuned. You're actually paying attention to their needs,
Speaker:and you're interacting. It's a conversation. So you don't
Speaker:have to go through a bunch of hoops to
Speaker:satisfy these needs. Acknowledging the
Speaker:unmet need is often enough to shift the child into a place
Speaker:of attunement. So attunement is, like,
Speaker:Connected, tuned in to their
Speaker:emotions, that itself is very healing. It's a form
Speaker:of coregulation. If you go back to the episode on the
Speaker:3 r's of regulation of how we calm Mars' nervous systems,
Speaker:it's movement, rhythm, It's relationship and it's
Speaker:reward. So the relationship piece is really, really powerful. This is
Speaker:part of coregulation. So when
Speaker:when we do that, when we meet these, when we recognize the
Speaker:need and we offer some solutions and we kind of tune in,
Speaker:The child feels seen. The child feels safe.
Speaker:The child feels soothed, and then they feel secure. And
Speaker:security It's the catalyst that helps your child
Speaker:propel into better behaviors.
Speaker:So what we really always wanna do is, like, we wanna keep
Speaker:authenticity, and we wanna keep attachment. Sorry. We wanna
Speaker:keep attachment Really strong so that our child feels safe to be
Speaker:themselves. And then they can trust themselves, and they can go
Speaker:and, you know, take care of themselves.
Speaker:When a person feels securely attached and they
Speaker:have this ability to, be themselves
Speaker:And express their feelings and and get their needs met.
Speaker:They are actually less anxious.
Speaker:They are less irritable. There's less depression.
Speaker:There's less fatigue. There's less behavior
Speaker:problems because your children feel Good. Right?
Speaker:When they kind of can trust, like, I have this, you know, feeling of
Speaker:sadness and it goes away, and, like, I know how to take care of myself.
Speaker:I know my I can trust my parent. They can help me with these feelings.
Speaker:And you keep doing that over and over and over. You lay this foundation
Speaker:that They can express their feelings and that
Speaker:they're safe and that they can get help.
Speaker:And When you do this over and over for in life, that
Speaker:your children ultimately become way more content content.
Speaker:They Enjoy themselves more. They grow up, and they
Speaker:believe that they have, like, power over their lives and that they can,
Speaker:you know, Chain you know, improve themselves, and they can take risks.
Speaker:And they don't have to be anxious, and they don't have to be fretting, and
Speaker:they don't have to be people pleasing. They don't have to have all these maladaptive
Speaker:behavior strategies to cope, that they can just be like, oh, what do
Speaker:I need? Okay. I know how to get that need met. I can be
Speaker:creative. I can be problem solving. I can figure this
Speaker:out. I have agency over my life. I can trust
Speaker:the attachments in my life. I can I'm
Speaker:I I my I matter. Right? So it's like, I have
Speaker:power. That's autonomy. I
Speaker:matter. That's appreciation.
Speaker:I'm lovable. That's affection. It's
Speaker:I'm lovable is also acceptance. And attachment,
Speaker:I'm safe. These are the core thoughts
Speaker:we want our kids to grow up with. And so when we
Speaker:sense that they have an unmet emotional need,
Speaker:being creative about how to offer
Speaker:some Perspective for them
Speaker:that, like, the feeling you have right now is because
Speaker:you're feeling powerless, but you always have power.
Speaker:You always have choice in your life. The feeling that you
Speaker:have right now is because you're kind of feeling, You know,
Speaker:unwanted, but that's not true. You're always wanted.
Speaker:You're always appreciated. You know,
Speaker:the feeling you have right now is because you're feeling lonely, but I
Speaker:want you to know that we're always connected even if we're not
Speaker:together. So we're
Speaker:really soothing our children at that core
Speaker:level by giving them Sometimes I think of this as
Speaker:kind external parent talk. It's like the the
Speaker:sentences that you are told, like, what your inner child needs to
Speaker:hear. You know, what does your inner child need to hear? What did
Speaker:you wish you heard when you were little? I want you to start practicing
Speaker:saying those things to your kids now. And what we all
Speaker:need in life, what we all have always craved since our
Speaker:own birth, since our own beginnings, As we've always
Speaker:had, these 5 emotional needs of attachment,
Speaker:acceptance, affection, appreciation, and autonomy.
Speaker:Those are all of our needs. We can use different words in
Speaker:there, but the core of those 5 are in those
Speaker:themes. And when we are able to meet our own needs,
Speaker:we feel fantastic. We feel safe. And when you're growing
Speaker:up and you can trust the adults Around you are there
Speaker:to support you in meeting your emotional needs. It feels so good.
Speaker:So this is Just a new way to to
Speaker:get some perspective on how your kids are behaving, what's showing up for them,
Speaker:and what might be going on way deep down And how to soothe
Speaker:that. And that's that this is what this
Speaker:is what it means. This is what it means to be, like, a truly emotional
Speaker:coach for for your kids and really, like, get into, like,
Speaker:compassionate parenting, really intentional parenting. Now,
Speaker:well, I'll just say this. I wasn't planning to say this, but, like, I find
Speaker:that sometimes in parenting and, like, with my own kids and when
Speaker:with my clients, It sometimes takes a little bit of a pattern before
Speaker:we can kinda go like, what need is not being met here? Like, we
Speaker:kinda look at the behavior. Like, We keep seeing this behavior. We see this behavior,
Speaker:and it shows up at this time of day. And then what's happening? And then
Speaker:we go, oh, you know what? I think they might need to be hearing you
Speaker:matter, Or I think they might need to be hearing you're safe. I think they
Speaker:might need to be saying hearing you're you have power. Right? So we kind of
Speaker:like, When I work with my 1 on 1 clients, we're always problem solving. When
Speaker:we're in the group, people ask questions. We're we're figuring
Speaker:it out. Like, It's it's good to have
Speaker:someone like me alongside of you to look for those
Speaker:patterns. But if you wanna do this work on your own, You you may need
Speaker:to have a few behaviors in a row, or like a
Speaker:like a week or two goes by, and you're like, what the heck is going
Speaker:on? Why are they acting so weird? And then you go, okay.
Speaker:Go back to this episode and be like, is it attachment that they're feeling insecure
Speaker:around? Is it acceptance? Are they feeling like, you know, they're a
Speaker:bad boy or bad girl? Are they missing physical
Speaker:connection? Do they need to be told that they matter? Do they
Speaker:need appreciation, or do they need power? K. I won't be labored anymore,
Speaker:but that that's why I think when you
Speaker:join the group program, the emotionally healthy kids class,
Speaker:You learn how to, like, really look at behavior through this
Speaker:lens, and we practice it in the class and you get the Full workbook.
Speaker:Like, I've had a bunch of moms who took the classes past year. They're like,
Speaker:I look at the workbook, like, every day. We're always, like, in the workbook. Like,
Speaker:their friends took the class. It's a huge reference, and
Speaker:it gives you so much to all the tools and scripts are there, so you
Speaker:have access to that. But then in the class, of course, You know, I'm right
Speaker:there teaching you live and, like, answering your questions in real time. And
Speaker:you're hearing from other moms, and you're like, oh, okay. That's That, oh, my kid
Speaker:does that too or, like, oh, that it's not the same in my family, but
Speaker:maybe it's this. And you're, like, kind of in this class We're we're just
Speaker:focused on our kids and their behavior and, like, our family. It's pretty
Speaker:cool. And then, of course, you stay in the club, and you have these 15
Speaker:minute private sessions with me. And I already know your family, and so you hop
Speaker:on those calls, and we're just, like, you know, take off running. Like, one of
Speaker:my clients has 5 kids, and I know all 5. So when she's like,
Speaker:so and so has this issue, I'm I'm in it. I'm like, yep. Okay. We've
Speaker:been in this pattern, and I know what's going on. So that's
Speaker:incredible to have basically my brain and my
Speaker:heart and my expertise in your family coaching you And
Speaker:then problem solving with you, helping you meet you some of your emotional
Speaker:needs, and then having you, you know, get strategies
Speaker:for your kids. So It's incredible. And, you know, you're lucky
Speaker:because if you're listening to this as this episode comes out, the
Speaker:next, the next session of the emotionally healthy
Speaker:kids starts on January 18th, and it's gonna be on
Speaker:Thursdays at 9 AM Pacific, 12 PM EST.
Speaker:And it's $500 for the class, and that includes all the materials, of
Speaker:course, in the class and then 4 months of coaching with
Speaker:me privately once a week for 15 minutes. And
Speaker:those that time is on Tuesdays. But there are other times that I open up
Speaker:my schedule in case, You know, people can't get in there.
Speaker:Okay. So I invite you to join that class. You can sign up at my
Speaker:website, Call mama coaching .com. It's in
Speaker:the show notes. You if you're in my newsletter, you know, click an email, and
Speaker:you'll find out about it. And, yeah, I just want you to join.
Speaker:Like, there's no reason not to. If you've listened if you're listening, you've already been
Speaker:in the class, this might be, you know, kinda new A new framework
Speaker:for you. And so if you're in the club, book a call, and we can
Speaker:talk a bit talk about it through. And if you're not Planning
Speaker:to join the class or anything, just make sure you are on my newsletter. That
Speaker:way you're getting emails and and things. I send a Thursday email with the
Speaker:podcast details And then, like, a Tuesday email that's also real
Speaker:you know, really supportive and helpful and, you know, lots of good parenting strategies in
Speaker:there. Alright. I think this might be the 1st episode of the
Speaker:New Year, so happy New Year. I hope you had a really good holiday season,
Speaker:and I will talk to you