Have you ever done the work — named the trauma, grieved the losses, started releasing the shame — and then looked up and thought… who am I? That disorientation isn't a problem. It's actually the beginning of something important.
In this episode, Jessica opens the June identity theme by introducing one of the most foundational questions in healing: where did your sense of self actually come from? Drawing on attachment theory and her clinical experience, she walks through the difference between your core self — the parts of you that were always there — and your adapted self — the version of you that learned how to survive. Most of us have spent so long living from the adapted self that we've lost touch with the core entirely. This episode is your invitation to start noticing the difference.
In This Episode
Why identity doesn't form in a vacuum — and who was shaping yours before you had any say
What attachment theory tells us about how we learned to see (or not see) ourselves
The clinical distinction between your core self and your adapted self
Jessica's personal story of performing the "Pinterest mom" identity — and what it cost her
Why every major life transition is both disorienting and an invitation
identity healing, who am I, core self vs adapted self, attachment theory, identity development, trauma and identity, adapted self, healing journey, self-worth, identity after trauma, childhood roles, people pleasing, performing identity, inner child work, IFS therapy, self-discovery, anxiety and identity, LCSW podcast, mental health podcast, therapy podcast for women, healing is my hobby, Jessica Colarco
Transcripts
Jessica Colarco (:
Hi, welcome back to Healing is My Hobby. I'm Jessica and I'm so glad you're here. We had a big few months together. March, we talked about trauma. April, we sat with grief. And May, we did the hard work of shame and self-worth. And now it's June. And I want to ask you something that might feel a little disorienting at first.
Who are you?
Not your roles, not your titles, not the way you show up for other people. Who are you? That question is what this whole month is about. Because after you name the trauma, after you grieve the losses, after you start releasing the shame, you look up and you might not fully recognize yourself. And that's not a problem. That's actually where we want to be.
This month we're talking about identity, where it comes from, what gets in the way of it, and what it looks like to start choosing it. So let's get into it. Here's something I want you to sit with.
Your identity was not formed in a vacuum.
Before you had any say in the matter, before you could even name yourself, the people around you were already building a story about who you were. She's the responsible one. He's the sensitive one. She doesn't cause problems. He's gonna be just like his father.
These stories got into us, and not just the words, the dynamics, the way emotions were handled in your family or not handled, the roles that kept the peace, the adaptations that kept you safe. Clinically, what we know is this: identity development doesn't happen in isolation. It happens in relationships.
Attachment theory tells us how we were responded to as infants, as children, as teenagers. And that shapes how we understand ourselves. If you were seen, you learned you were worth seeing. If you were dismissed, you learned to take up less space. If you were only valued for what you produced, you learned that love was conditional on performance.
But none of that is who you are. That's who you had to be. There's a distinction I use in my clinical work that I want to introduce this month. There's your core self, the parts of you that were always there: curious, creative, intuitive, relational, whatever it is for you. The parts that felt most alive before life started teaching you to shrink.
And then there's your adapted self, the version of you that learned how to survive the environment you were in. Both are real, but only one of them is actually you. And if you're interested in that, I highly encourage you to sign up for my newsletter. You can go to healing is my hobby.com forward slash newsletter, and you can sign up for this month's newsletter. And I do have a freebie.
That will really a worksheet that kind of helps you hash out your core self versus your adapted self. And here's what I see in my clinical practice. Most people have spent so long operating from their adapted self that they've lost access to the core. They don't even know what's missing. They just feel a vague sense of not quite being themselves, of going through the motions.
Of performing a version of their life instead of living it. I talked a lot about this with my sister in the Chasing Brighter podcast. We talked about identity and we talk about this time in my life where I call myself the Pinterest mom. And when I look back, I was totally performing. I I it it's like I was a shell of a person. I don't even know what I was doing. But I was having these play dates and these elaborate birthday parties and all of these things.
And I was a hundred percent performing, and then that kind of creates its own identity of this adapted self-like I adapted to being this certain kind of mother and it took a lot of work to untangle that.
and that's such a great example of how this doesn't just stop at childhood. Identity continues to develop across your entire lifespan. Every major transition, becoming a parent.
Losing a job, ending a relationship, losing someone you love, every one of those shakes the identity structure. And what falls away in those moments is often the adapt itself, which is disorienting and also an invitation. So this month I want to invite you to get curious about the difference, not to tear down everything you've built,
but to start noticing which parts of how you move through the world feel like you and which parts are still just trying to survive something that's already over. That awareness, that's where identity work begins. And next week we're doing something I love. We're taking this off the page and into the body. I'm gonna walk you through an activity that will help you actually see the roles you're carrying, which ones you chose.
Which ones were handed to you, and which ones you've been holding on to out of habit rather than intention. Come ready to be honest with yourself. It's worth it. And you're worth it. I will see you then. If you want to stay connected between podcast episodes, I encourage you to check out my blog at
healing is my hobby dot com You can follow me on socials at healing is my hobby. If you want to know more about my clinical practice, you can check that out at Jessica Colarco LCSW dot com or on Instagram.
