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Am I Going To Die?
Episode 123 • 5th September 2026 • Vinnie De Rosa AKA Cuzin Vinnie • CuzinVinnieNetwork.com
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Speaker:

Hey, it's Vinnie.

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Um

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It's a Friday afternoon

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I don't know if you'd call it a

typical Friday, but it's Friday

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afternoon, Labor Day weekend,

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whatever that is

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I've done quite a few recordings lately.

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A lot of it was health related

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You know, the physical pain that you

go through, those different phases of

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surgery and recovery and therapy and

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all those other things that

happen during that phase

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There's a beginning,

middle, and there's an end

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And you kind of

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Take inventory of

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What's important?

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2020 when my, uh, driver's license

was revoked because of eyesight.

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It started a chain of events that

brought me to today with this last

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August 2026, and a little bit before,

actually sometime before that, but

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Losing my sight It was pretty devastating

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You know, you have the confidence

in the, the medical profession to

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do the right thing to make sure

that they don't, you know, fuck up

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And you hope to gosh that, you

know, they get it right and

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the stresses that you go through

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And all of a sudden your vision's gone

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Was it my fault?

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Did I not take care of myself?

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Did I not heed warnings?

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Did I not preemptive- preemptively take

care of it so that it wouldn't happen?

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I, I, you know, a lot of that

I had no, no, no control over.

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There were things that were done

internally to my body with the

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shingles back in the '80s that

lay dormant for 35, 40 years

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And then a fluke of a cataract surgery

that exposed it, and the doctor who

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misdiagnosed it for almost six, seven,

eight months, whatever it was, kept

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on saying, "Gotta heal, gotta heal."

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Well, uh, it didn't heal.

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It didn't heal

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And then you get so preoccupied with one

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catastrophe, you forget about others.

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And I'm going somewhere

with this, I think.

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I, I, I've got so much stuff

going through my head right now

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that, um, if I didn't sit here and

do this, it would never be said

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As I sat there in the doctor's office

those weeks and weeks, and my sister

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would take me and, you know, oh, it's

gotta heal, gotta heal, you know?

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And surgery went well, um, you know,

and came out of it and I was sitting

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on the lanai looking outside going,

"Wow, these colors are just beautiful."

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And I was talking to some friends of

mine who had cataract surgery, and they

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were telling me about their experiences

and I said, "Wow, that's good," you

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know, something to look forward to.

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And, and then it turned to shit

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And it became such a preoccupation

with me that I, uh, neglected to, um,

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have some other routine physicals done.

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My annual didn't get my teeth done.

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Um, it just…

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You know, I was so engulfed and

en-encompassed with the loss of

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eyesight, and it was kinda ironic

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my hip was gone before that.

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The hip went out maybe six,

eight months before that.

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I was involved in a relationship at that

time that I thought was going somewhere

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building a, a little bit of a future

and helping them out financially and

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having trust in him To just be abandoned

and left at the altar as soon as it got

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rough and tough But that's okay you know?

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It's not my first time that I gave and

in end got the short stick And that's not

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where I'm going with this; I'm just saying

that y-y-you have certain people in your

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life that come in and some go Some that

will always be there There are some that

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just-- Y-Y-You think "My gosh if they

hadn't been there Where would I be now?"

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And, and, you know, there were a lot

of people, and I'm, I'm not gonna

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go through to the list of them.

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There, there were lots of people that were

involved who were helpful, encouraging

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And, uh, it was a, a, a period of

my life, you know, I turned 70.

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My health was pretty good.

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I mean, I wasn't suffering from any

major ailments other than stupidity

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As I started going through the,

the phase of, "Oh my gosh, I could

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be blind the rest of my life.

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How am I going to cope?

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How am I going to do things?

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How am I gonna get around?

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Am I gonna be stuck in this

environment that I'm in?"

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That I'm thankful I had,

you know, my sister.

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Otherwise, I'd have been shit outta luck.

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And, uh, she had to put up with a lot

of things that I was going through and,

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you know, that's not fair to anyone

to have to take some of the burden

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or some of the, the negative shit

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I, uh

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Didn't know what to do.

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Uh, I, I felt like I was totally helpless.

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And I did get some relief, and I think

it was like seven, eight months later

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Gosh, there was so

running through my head.

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I'm, I'm not sure if, if the cancer

was diagnosed first or did the doctor

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in Gain-- Maybe it was the Gainesville

doctor or the other doctor that I went

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to that had scraped my cornea and gave me

my vision back, and I think that was the

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time when I had the colonoscopy done, and

that's when they discovered the cancer.

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And I think all the stress of it

caused my vision to go back to where

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it was, where I couldn't see again.

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And, uh, it just got frustrating.

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Went to a couple of other doctors and,

uh, and you know, specialists and so on

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and so forth, and, and really got nowhere

with the vision part of it because at

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the time cancer was diagnosed, I had my

colonoscopy at the VA and, uh, they had

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to do two of them because it was so bad.

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And I think…

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Yeah, at that time I

didn't have my vision.

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I had lost my vision.

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And I'm there, the doctor comes in

with this diagram trying to show me

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what, you know, there is and that.

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I go, "Doctor, I can't see a thing."

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She wasn't really sure what the hell

happened and I explained her the

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story and she goes, "Oh my gosh."

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So I'm there at the VA in, in Tampa,

doctor diagnose him, me with cancer,

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and I think I was scheduled to go

back in and see the eye doctor about

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doing another procedure and she said,

"Well, you can't do that because we

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gotta get the cancer taken care of."

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And I go, "Okay.

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So I have to now set

my eyesight a-a-aside?"

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I mean, that was not a life

and death situation with my

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eyesight, but it was life.

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Um, the ability to, to function,

to get around, to, to do things on

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your own, and you don't know how

crippling it is until it happens.

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So the eyesight got put on the side

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And had the, uh, like I said, the

colonoscopy at the VA in Tampa.

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And the doctor gave me the diagnosis

and said, "Well, you know, we're

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gonna do some chemo, radiation, you

know, reevaluate it, and then see, you

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know, what we need to do surgically."

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I said, "Okay."

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"And when we do the surgery, you know,

we'll go in whatever's left of the cancer

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and try to cut out what needs to come out.

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We'll know more when we, you know, do

the other X-rays or whatever they did,

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ultrasound," Whatever the sound…

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Whatever the….

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You know, I got, I got yelled at a

lot of times because I didn't know a

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lot of the technical things and the

doctors' names and the procedures.

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All I knew is I had my eyes, my ass,

and my hip all go out at the same time,

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and I knew them by the particular part

of the body that they functioned with.

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Yeah, I mean, there was Dr.

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España for the cancer, um, Dr.

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Bandowski for my hips, and, uh,

Doctor, um Oh, this is terrible.

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Cancer doctor.

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Oh, gosh.

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This is terrible.

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And, uh, the chemo and

the radiation doctors.

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Oh, geez.

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You would think I'd remember their names.

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They'll come to me.

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So, you know, I'm going through the

chemo and the radiation simultaneously.

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I would have radiation done at one

facility in Lecanto and then go

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across street and have chemo done.

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Uh, I know radiation was

like six, eight weeks.

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I know that it was in the

summer of twenty twenty-one.

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Yeah, because my birthday was coming

and, uh, Halloween I think it was

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twenty twenty-one, and we were doing

the, um, the, uh, the treatment

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for the cancer with the radiation

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And radiation treatment is, is, is

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Not as, um…

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What's the word?

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Not-- It's scary but

it's not, not painful.

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It's not, uh, invasive.

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It's basically lay there on a

table and the big old machine

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just zaps the shit out of you.

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Highly targeted.

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Um, everyone there was great, um,

that, uh, did the procedures on me.

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Ve-very meticulous as far as,

um, the process is concerned.

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I'll give you a little insight

into the, the radiation process.

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Um, they bring you in, you know,

they tell you that, you know, the

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area that, that they're gonna target

'cause the X-rays and this, the scans

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all showed where the cancer was.

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And they explained that it was gonna take,

I think, six or eight weeks or whatever

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it was, and they go in what they…

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Some certain types of dosages and

hits that they gotta do and target.

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And, uh, the first, the first time

you go in for the, the pre-counsel

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for the procedure, they have

you take off your shoes and they

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do a, um, a mold of your feet.

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And I asked, I said,

"Why are you doing this?"

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She goes, "Well, we'll

take your shoes off.

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We'll put these on so that we can place

you on the table in the exact same

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location every single time so that when

we do the, the k- the radiation, we

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can hit the right target every time."

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I go, "Well, that makes sense."

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So, you know, the radiation

was probably the least painful.

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Very intrusive though.

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I mean, it's radiation that

they're throwing into your system.

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And you lay there, and they put

you on the table, and they say,

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"Don't move," and you don't move.

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And, and then y- you know, this

big old machine, they, they put

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you up a little higher and then

they slide you into this tube.

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And mine was at my waist 'cause it was

my, my ass that was being targeted,

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so it wasn't, you know, near my head

or my chest or anything like that.

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So it was basically my, my pelvic section.

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So I'm laying on my back and,

uh, the machine goes off, you

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know, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta

and then ehhh, and it makes

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all these freaking noises.

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And in the background, they've

got music playing in the

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background, which was kind of neat.

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And they ask, "What kind of

music do you like to listen to?"

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And I said, "Well, I like,

you know, rock, oldies."

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So in the background, I had an

oldie station or whatever it

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was playing or on a, on a loop.

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And you'd lay there, and

the machine would go off.

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At about the fourth or fifth session

that week, I started catching a pattern

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to the music and to the machine and

how many rotations this machine…

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A-and again, I'm blind.

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I cannot see this thing.

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I-- During this entire

process, I had no vision.

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I mean, yeah, I had vision in my

right eye, but it wasn't as good

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as it, it got later on, like years

later on after my cataract surgery.

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But, uh, you know, I could,

I could see big stuff.

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I couldn't focus on anything, so, you

know, I, I would go in there and, and,

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and they would, uh, they would do their,

um, their stuff, and you just lay there.

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So I think about, like I said, the

third or fourth session, I said

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to the, um, the nurse or the tech,

I said, "Oh, that's interesting.

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That took only four songs."

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And they go, "What?"

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I said, "I'm listening to the

music in the background," and

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each song's are about 30…

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three minutes and 30 seconds,

someplace in that timeframe.

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So, you know, it took

about 15, 20 minutes.

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Prep took, you know, 20 minutes just

to prep you to get you set to go,

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and, you know, they would do their

thing and, and you get up, put your

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shoes on, and, "See you tomorrow."

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You leave.

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Then I'd go across the street to

the chemo center in the beginning

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there, and, uh, that was right

across the street from it in Lecanto.

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That was, I think of everything that

I did, the most, um, challenging

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My dad had chemo done at the same

center, and I think my mom went

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there for some stuff, some tests.

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And, you know, you go in and they take

your weight and your height and your

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blood, and then they tell you, you

know, "This is what we're going to do.

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You know, we're going to inject you

with this poison, and we hope it kills

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everything and doesn't kill you."

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They didn't say it that way, but,

you know, that's kinda how I felt.

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You know, they're gonna kill

whatever's in you somehow, some way.

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And I, uh, said okay.

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And, you know, I, I, I got yelled

at a lot for, you know, "Well,

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well what, what did they say?

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How did…"

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You know?

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I asked one important

question: "Am I going to die?"

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They go, "You could if you don't

do this and if it doesn't work."

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I said, "Fair enough."

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I said, "I'm-- I, I'm not g- asking you

to guarantee that I'm going to live.

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I know I'm going to die.

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It's…

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That's inevitable.

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It's gonna happen.

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Maybe not here, maybe not tomorrow, maybe

not next week, but i- I'm gonna die."

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So I, I, I took it in stride.

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Um, they said it's gonna

be a little bit painful.

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Okay.

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And it's gonna stink.

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Okay.

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And, um, they, uh, you know, give you

your pre-counsel on how they're gonna do

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this, and he looked at my veins in my arms

and he goes, "You got really good veins."

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I go, "Thank you."

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He said, "You know, we may be able

to do another procedure to make

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it a little bit easier on you."

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I said, "Okay."

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"Instead of us, you know, shooting in

your veins and messing up your really

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good veins, we can put a, a chemo

pump in your left or right shoulder."

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I said, "Oh, okay."

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So made an appointment, go

to Seven Rivers Hospital.

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Ironically, um, that hospital

is where my dad passed away.

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That hospital is the hospital that

my family brought into Citrus County.

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That hospital I helped build.

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I actually sold them the land and helped

build that hospital from the ground up.

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Never been in that

hospital for any reason.

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Um, and all of a sudden, here I

am going in for a procedure in the

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hospital that, you know, I was involved

with its construction and sale.

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So I'm laying there, again, with no

vision, can't see what's going on.

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The nurses came in and, uh, they

were, you know, asking me questions

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saying this and I said, "Well

lady," … nurse says, "I can't see.

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Just explain to me what you're gonna do,

what you need me to do, and I'll do it."

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So she said, "Okay, what we're gonna do

is we're gonna shave, uh, inside your

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left and right shoulder blades inside

there and, uh, and the doctor will

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decide where they're gonna put the pump.

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They put a little pump inside

with a little port outside so that

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when you go to chemo they don't

have to stick you every time.

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They just plug you in and

pump the shit into you."

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And I go, "All right."

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So, uh, they prep me.

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Fell asleep, woke up and I got

this new pump and I said, "Can

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I pump other stuff in there?"

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They kinda laughed.

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So got the pump in and that's

when the chemo started And, you

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know, I used to get asked, you

know, "Well, what kind of chemo?

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What, what they using?

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What's the dosage?

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What's this?

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What's that?"

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I go, "Look, I asked one question.

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Am I gonna die?"

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"Well, if you don't do

this, you could die.

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Could, not will, but could."

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And I, I took it on faith, blind

faith, that they knew what they were

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doing because this is what they do,

and I wasn't going to interfere.

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And, and, and I had people get mad at me.

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"Why don't you know this?"

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I said, "Look-"

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I got a no other choice.

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If I don't do this, I'm gonna die.

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So I'm relying on the doctor who

actually worked on my dad years ago

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that he's doing the right thing and

if he isn't how am I gonna know?

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I'm not a doctor.

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I'm not gonna sit there and analyze every

procedure you do . And um, so, you know,

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I'm, I'm going through and every time

you walk in they, they, they take your

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blood, your pressure and all these other

things and the nurses are always going

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"Gaga goo-goo, you got great veins."

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You know, then…

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And they take my blood uh, all my

other vitals and I went from-- My

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weight was about 100 and oh maybe

170 at the time when I first started

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and I used to keep track of my

weight as I went on and it dropped,

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drop,ed drop and I still do it now.

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Well, I'm running about one forty

five to one fifty five maybe one

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sixty on a good day and I eat.

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My system since the chemo and the, and

the, and the surgery which I'm gonna get

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to i-in a while here ,my weight dropped.

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I eat.

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I'm not like I'm starving; I just,

I just don't put on the weight.

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So you sit there and, and, and this

was probably the hardest segment of all

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these procedures is sitting in the chemo

room and the nurses would go around and,

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you know set the pump up and they tell

you okay this is gonna take two hours

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or three hours for it to drip into your

system because they drip it in and you

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sit there and it, you know and it's just

drip, drip, drip and a lot of times I

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would just bring some headphones and

I'd listen to podcasts or music .And

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occasionally I'd listen to conversations

in the rooms and the nurses would be

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talking to people and there were a lot of

people in deep pain anguish Um, scared.

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You could hear it in their voices The

nurses were calm collective um very

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kind generous with their time and um

Just sitting in that room and there

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was probably twenty -five maybe thirty

people along the window line in middle

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we're all sitting near getting some

degree of,of chemo of some sortand

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you'd be laying there or sitting

there for hoursYou knowJust hours

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And in, in between that there were

other days that I would get radiation

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and then the radiation fell off

and there was no more radiation.

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It was just chemo.

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And at some point, um, they uh, said,

"Well we got this little pump machine

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that you can take," and we put it on you

and you, you'd take it for the weekend

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so you can get some on the week-- Uh,

d-no during the week and then you go

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down on the next week and yeah, they

take it off and refill it with your own

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little portable pump trying to maneuver

around that little puppy taking showers.

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Um, you know definitely it was

encas-case so it wasn't gonna be

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messed up if it got water on it but

you had your own little pump, you know?

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And in the middle of the night

it's going tick, tick, tick,

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tick and you can hear it.

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I mean it just…

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The sounds of silence when you can't see.

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Uh, the things that you hear that you

would have seen that you probably wouldn't

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have heard and all the driving that we

did my sister did and Dwayne and Pete

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and you know slew of others that, that

took me to appointments You know you know

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I, I got so good at hearing the road.

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I listened to the road; I knew exactly

where by the sound of the road So

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those other senses started kicking in.

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So sitting there , you know week

after week being pumped with poison Um

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Found out that, you know, they were

gonna do the surgery and, and at the VA.

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And my friend Pete and I started

looking for another doctor, and Dr.

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Morissette at Tampa General, we found

him through a friend of Pete's, some

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kind of relative, uh, that had contact,

and we called his office, gave him my

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story on a Monday, and we were in his

office like that Thursday or Friday.

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And, uh, had shown, you know, shown

him the stuff I had gotten from the VA.

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And he knew the doctor from the VA,

and one of his assistant doctors

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had worked with her at the VA.

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He said, "Go…

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Excellent surgeon."

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Uh, but the only thing with the VA

is, I say, hate to say this, but,

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you know, they just wanna cut ya

and bag ya and see ya out the door.

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Um, I, I, I'm, I'm gonna come

back on that a little bit.

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:

Throughout the entire-- every episode

that I had or any action I-- reaction or

363

:

action I had with the VA was positive.

364

:

There was, you know, I've

heard negative, negative.

365

:

I mean, yeah, there, there

are some screw-ups in the VA.

366

:

But the, the d- the, the nurses, the

doctors, the practitioners that I dealt

367

:

with in Lecanto were great, um, 'cause

that's where the VA clinic is in Lecanto.

368

:

And the VA doctor that I had

in Gainesville was really good.

369

:

No, no, that wasn't V- to

get VA, that was Shands.

370

:

That was teaching hospital.

371

:

The VA doctor I had at T- in Tampa

at the Tampa VA was excellent.

372

:

She was great.

373

:

Her staff were great.

374

:

She explained everything to me and I said

to her, "Uh, are there any other choices?"

375

:

She goes, "No, we're just gonna go in

and, you know, we're gonna get out the

376

:

cancer, uh, after the radiation and

all that gets it, you know, confined

377

:

down to, you know, it's not a lot,

and then we'll just put a poop bag

378

:

on you and, you know, on your way."

379

:

Uh, and that's when we went into

high gear looking for alternatives.

380

:

And at the time, again, I have no vision,

no sight, and my hips are killing me.

381

:

My right hip is killing me.

382

:

My left hip was carrying the

load, and the hip's hurting.

383

:

And so we start making phone calls

and, uh, Pete was able to find Dr.

384

:

Morissette at Tampa General.

385

:

Called, like I said, on a Monday.

386

:

We're in his office on a Friday.

387

:

He looks at my report and

says, "Yeah, I can fix that."

388

:

And he asked about the chemo, where I

was in that process, and he said, "Okay,

389

:

here's what we gotta do," dot, dot,

dot, and scheduled me for surgery as

390

:

soon as I was cleared from the, uh, all

the procedures that I had to have done.

391

:

And in the interim, you know,

my eyesight's still gone.

392

:

So I'm going through this completely

blind having to depend on people to drive

393

:

me everywhere to go to appointments.

394

:

I mean, literally Tampa, Gainesville,

you know, Lecanto, wherever it was, I

395

:

had to be driven 'cause I couldn't see

396

:

And, uh, radiation was done.

397

:

The, uh, the eyes were put on the

back burner 'cause the cataract

398

:

surgery messed up my good eye, so

weren't gonna mess with those again.

399

:

And, um, radiation and chemo were done.

400

:

Surgery was scheduled

for, uh, Tampa General

401

:

And, uh, go down to have the surgery done.

402

:

And during the prep,

surgery prep, the doc…

403

:

Uh, the anesthesiologist

came in and asked questions.

404

:

Oh, um, the cancer, I mean,

um, the colonoscopy at the VA,

405

:

I had double colonoscopies.

406

:

Two in a back-bank, they were

back to back when I was diagnosed

407

:

with the cancer months before.

408

:

Um, I was in there, uh,

prepping for the colonoscopy.

409

:

My sister took me to Tampa, down to

the VA in Tampa, and you can't eat.

410

:

I got there into the room

about 5:00, food was coming in.

411

:

"Nope, can't have any food.

412

:

Start drinking your, you

know, your Kool-Aid here."

413

:

So I'm dousing this shit.

414

:

Next morning, go in for my

colonoscopy, roll me in.

415

:

Doctor said, "This, this, and this," and

I said okay, and then I, I'm out cold.

416

:

Wake up in the room and

I say, "Where's my food?"

417

:

She goes, "Oh, I got bad news for ya.

418

:

You gotta do this again tomorrow."

419

:

So I got a back-to-back colonoscopy.

420

:

I don't know if anyone, every-- any

of you ever had one done that way, but

421

:

the doctor at Tampa in the VA could

not get a probe far enough because

422

:

I was so full of shit, and I've

been told that by people for years.

423

:

And he goes, "Gonna have to

come back tomorrow again, okay?"

424

:

So I get rolled into the, uh, prep room,

and the anesthesiologist looks at me

425

:

and goes, "Weren't you here yesterday?"

426

:

I go, "Yeah, I bought

the two-for-one sale."

427

:

He just started laughing, and

they knocked me out and…

428

:

So that was the, you know,

the diagnosis of the cancer.

429

:

So Dr.

430

:

Morsette did the surgery

back at Tampa General.

431

:

Uh, puts an incision in me

probably four inches maybe.

432

:

And he goes, "Where do you want it?"

433

:

I said, "Doc, wherever you think it's the

most, the best for you to do your job.

434

:

I don't really care

about where the scar is.

435

:

I don't care if it's on my

bikini line or wherever it is.

436

:

It's not important to me.

437

:

What's important to me is that what

you do, you feel most comfortable with.

438

:

I can live with it."

439

:

So I got a little scar, and they put the,

uh, poop bag on me, and I'm blind still.

440

:

Remember, I'm still no vision.

441

:

So he let me stay at the hospital a

couple of extra days to get used to, to

442

:

the, the bag, so I didn't have to rush

home and have to deal with it there.

443

:

And so I got pretty good about

going to the bathroom, dumping

444

:

it, and, uh, ended up going home.

445

:

Had home healthcare come in and,

uh, change my, um, my little

446

:

poop bag every couple of days

447

:

And God bless.

448

:

I, I, I, I'm trying to think.

449

:

I don't-- I maybe had one incident

where when I was dumping it, I

450

:

kinda got it too soon and it didn't

get anywhere, just ended up in the

451

:

bowl, but I just kind of missed.

452

:

Not missed it, but just it messed…

453

:

It did make a mess.

454

:

It was a screw-up, but I think that

was the only instant on with that.

455

:

I was very conscious of it 'cause

I knew there's people around me,

456

:

and last thing you wanna do is have

your poop bag open up at dinner.

457

:

And I went out to dinner a few times where

people felt very uncomfortable with it.

458

:

But, uh, it was fine.

459

:

I had home health therapy.

460

:

The, the nurses were great that came in.

461

:

Um, but it was, it was another one

of those realities of life that had

462

:

it not been for Pete and myself,

you know, saying no to the VA on the

463

:

VA poop bag and really finding Dr.

464

:

Morissette, I could have been

sitting, I could be sitting here

465

:

right now with a poop bag on me

and, and not be healed from it.

466

:

So went through the surgery,

still blind, no vision.

467

:

The chemo radiation is all over.

468

:

Hip is still hurting like a mother.

469

:

And, uh, uh, went through my, um, therapy

470

:

Oh, wait a minute.

471

:

No, that one-- the first surgery, uh,

when I got done with my surgery in

472

:

Tampa on this one, they were gonna

put me in rehab and they were gonna

473

:

put me in Tampa and they said, "Well,

do you wanna be close at home?"

474

:

So yeah, I'll go.

475

:

So they took me to a

rehab center in Lecanto.

476

:

Now I'm out of surgery and they put

me in a meat wagon transport sitting

477

:

in a wheelchair for two hours,

and I just went through an ostomy.

478

:

So I'm sitting there with this poop

bag for two hours in an uncomfortable

479

:

wheelchair and this driver was just

terrible hitting every pothole.

480

:

So we get to the, um, the center there in

Lecanto and I'm not gonna mention names

481

:

but there, there are a bunch of them out

there and some are good, some are bad.

482

:

This one was okay.

483

:

I mean it was my first experience

in it And I got there and they said,

484

:

"Well w-we got n-" you know, "We

got one room and it'll be yours."

485

:

And you know fine so gave me a room and

uh nurses came in The bed was too short

486

:

For some reason I guess they got short

people So they had to get me a longer

487

:

bed They got me a longer bed Got that Got

some food And going to the bathroom You

488

:

know still got the bag on me But I still

used it to dump it and stuff Showering

489

:

was really a task trying to get a shower

Nurses would help Me aids would help

490

:

A couple months before then I don't

know if it was months before or maybe

491

:

a year before that Um person came into

my life and I was helping her through

492

:

some issues When she was going through

some stuff She was there supporting me

493

:

One afternoon I get balloons It said

something about bacon cheeseburger or

494

:

something like that Wendy's delivered

She had Wendy's deliver me a Bacon

495

:

cheeseIt was a good food But…You

496

:

just don't know who comes into your

life At what point time That make impact

497

:

There where so many people Who you

know Where there fore meBut th-she just

498

:

lightened that day up for meThat burger

comesAnd the balloonsand the foodAll that

499

:

stuffSo you knowGoing throughThe staff

thereExcellentThen therapyUh you gottaGet

500

:

up and goDo thisI go"Im not feelingLike

it""Not Feeling Like It""you Gotta

501

:

Get Up and Go"so i getUp and walkThey

goSlow downYour Going Too FastIsaid

502

:

Well Thats My GaitIDont Walk SlowIm

Not An Old Person Walking SlowEither

503

:

Im Gonna WalkOr Just Leave Me AloneSo

theyGot To The PointWhere II youKnow

504

:

Get UPAND I JUST GO WALK AND TAKETAKE

505

:

THE WALKER ANDTHEYGO YOU CANT SEE ISAID

ICAN SEETHEDOR ANDICANSEethe TILES

506

:

ANDIKNOWWHEREMYROOMIS AS LONG ASI DONTWALK

INTOANYBODYYOU KNOW WITHA NEEDLE IMGOOD

507

:

So, you know, therapy, got through

it, got home, got situated.

508

:

Again, no vision.

509

:

The chemo and radiation was done.

510

:

Um, I wasn't dealing with my

eyes at that point at all.

511

:

This is two years into it maybe, two

and a half years since I was blinded.

512

:

And, uh,

513

:

So end up going down to Tampa

a couple times to see Dr.

514

:

Morsette do an evaluation of, you

know, the, the, the surgery, the

515

:

procedure and everything went well.

516

:

And I, I think I was on the bag

for six weeks maybe, maybe a little

517

:

bit long, maybe three months.

518

:

I-I'm terrible about this and I get

yelled at all the time about not

519

:

knowing exactly the timelines and I

was gonna write these things down.

520

:

I didn't wanna make it sound scripted.

521

:

It, it was, it was a, it was a while.

522

:

I w-- it wa-- uh, I, I think it

was probably three months they had

523

:

me on until they g-they took me

back to Tampa to do the reversal.

524

:

That was the, the, the most interesting

aspect of it is I go in, Dr.

525

:

Morsette does the procedure again, takes

the bag off, stitches me up and that's it.

526

:

Uh, no more chemo, no more radiation.

527

:

Uh, my poop is now flowing but

it's in a shorter stream because

528

:

they took out some of the plumbing.

529

:

So now it's now getting used to going

to the bathroom at a different pace,

530

:

procedure process 'cause your system

is now has to readapt to this whole new

531

:

process 'cause it's all new plumbing.

532

:

Well, not new plumbing,

it's just been re-re…

533

:

It's been shuffled around a little bit.

534

:

And again still, I haven't

had surgery on my eyes.

535

:

I'm still blind

536

:

And with a lot of help from a

lot of friends and encouragement

537

:

from a lot of people.

538

:

You know, there were people there that,

you know, local and long distance who

539

:

encouraged me, uh, to keep fighting.

540

:

And I tried a couple times to get excited

about doing some recordings and podcasting

541

:

at the house, and I, I don't know if I…

542

:

Yeah, I was depressed, but I wasn't

depressed to where woe is me, I'm

543

:

gonna, you know, die or something.

544

:

It's, it-- I was depressed

because I couldn't do anything.

545

:

I was totally self-, um, having

to be in, in, in everyone else's

546

:

wheelhouse to help me out.

547

:

They had to help me everywhere.

548

:

I, I couldn't drive

549

:

And

550

:

my sister, I love her, you know,

she put up with a lot of shit.

551

:

It wasn't easy for me, and then she got

sick in the middle of that too one time.

552

:

She ended up, you know, with, with issues

with her health, and that wasn't good.

553

:

But I knew that

554

:

I had two choices.

555

:

I can do the old woe is me,

or I can be okay, what's next?

556

:

Let's go.

557

:

Let's do it.

558

:

So I'm healing from this, from the,

um, the surgery, from the, the uh poop

559

:

bag and everything was healing and

I asked the doctor, I said "Okay, do

560

:

you think I'm okay now to have my eyes

cataract-- Or eye surgery on my left eye?"

561

:

Which was blinded by a fricking

doctor in Crystal River that

562

:

was an asshole who did…

563

:

Misdiagnosed it for seven

months, eight months.

564

:

He goes, "Yeah."

565

:

so Um, uh, we were referred to,um, an

eye specialist through some friends

566

:

of mine who told me about some eye

doctors And I was telling Dr.,uh,

567

:

Morsette about my eye issue the day, the

day before surgery The doctor that did

568

:

my, uh, butt surgery My cancer surgery

Is in my room the next day doing his

569

:

visit And no It was the morning of the

surgery We were talking or something like

570

:

that He says, 'I got somebody for you.'

571

:

So I didn't think anything

of it Well, the next day

572

:

I'm recovering from the surgery that Dr.

573

:

Morissette did, and there were three

eye doctors in my hospital bedroom--

574

:

my hospital room examining my eyes.

575

:

Now, I just had butt surgery, cancer

surgery, my bag put on me, and I've

576

:

got these doctors looking at my eyes

trying to figure out what's going on.

577

:

And they told me what, you know,

what the- what they saw from

578

:

what they could see without, you

know, doing a heavy examination.

579

:

And they said, "Okay, well, we're gonna

set up an appointment for you to come

580

:

in and we'll do some preliminaries.

581

:

We know that you're going through

your cancer, but we'll kinda stage

582

:

it so that it doesn't interfere, but

we can kind of run parallel tracks."

583

:

And I said, "Thank you.

584

:

Thank you."

585

:

So go home, recovering from the, uh, the

cancer surgery, and intermittently I go

586

:

back down to Tampa, and I meet with Dr.

587

:

Espana, who was the, uh,

specialist there at Tampa General.

588

:

And he looked at my eyes and he

goes, "Man, we got a mess in there."

589

:

He goes, "The shingles really

tore up that cornea of yours."

590

:

I go, "Okay."

591

:

I said, "Well, what are my options?"

592

:

He goes, "Well, we can do a cornea

transplant, but we really can't do

593

:

anything now because you're still in the,

in the healing process of your cancer."

594

:

I said, "Oh, okay."

595

:

And, uh, he said, "We don't wanna

do anything to interfere with that.

596

:

We don't, you know, we don't

wanna cause any issues, so

597

:

you're just gonna have to wait."

598

:

So I waited patiently knowing that

there was possibly a, an, an option.

599

:

And, uh, he said, "Let's do this too.

600

:

Let's do a cataract surgery on

your right eye," which is my bad

601

:

eye, which was my kinda good eye.

602

:

So they did cataract surgery on

it, and my vision was pretty good.

603

:

I mean, it's not…

604

:

It's enough that if I were blind in my

left eye permanently, I could see to get

605

:

around, not to drive, not to read, but

at least see that I wouldn't walk into

606

:

a wall or someone could pull a trick at

me and, you know, do what they, uh, uh,

607

:

open up the manhole and me fall in it.

608

:

So, you know, I, I had vision in it enough

to be able to see the table, eat food

609

:

a- and not feel like a total invalid.

610

:

So we did that one first.

611

:

My sister took me down.

612

:

That was an in and out surgery that

morning, you're in, you're out and

613

:

done, and that one was healing.

614

:

But I was still in that window where

the doctor really didn't want to

615

:

do a lot more, um, on my other eye.

616

:

I said, "Okay."

617

:

I said, "When are we gonna do that?"

618

:

He goes, "Well-" Let's plan

on it in the next few weeks or

619

:

months," or whatever it was.

620

:

I mean, one of these days I'm

gonna sit down with a timeline.

621

:

I'm gonna etch this out once I feel

like I've got my head back on straight

622

:

'cause right now all this stuff is just

floating through my head and what's

623

:

helping is that I'm talking about it.

624

:

I do have papers and calendars that

I can go back and make reference

625

:

and, and put the, the TikToks down

of, of all this stuff because to

626

:

explain it like I'm doing now…

627

:

You think, "Oh, that

was a couple of weeks."

628

:

No, it was five years.

629

:

Five years of my life, uh, that, that--

ell, actually six years until:

630

:

Um, 2016.

631

:

2026.

632

:

Jesus, what year is it?

633

:

So I go in for the p- a pre-op on

the cornea transplant, and, uh, Dr.

634

:

Espina explained to me, you know, the

procedure and what they were gonna

635

:

do and how they were gonna do it.

636

:

And, uh, in the interim, I had

the hip done, my right hip.

637

:

Did I have my right hip done by then?

638

:

Yeah, I think I did, 'cause

I was walking with a cane

639

:

Yeah, 'cause I still had my, uh, eyes out.

640

:

So I had, I had a hip surgery

done in between there someplace.

641

:

Again, I'm gonna sit down in the

next few weeks and I've got the

642

:

TikTok and I've-- I, I'm, uh…

643

:

And if I, I will put it

in, in timeline form.

644

:

I'm just thinking from the top of

my memory and, and all the events

645

:

that occurred and, and all that.

646

:

So ended up going in to have, get my right

hip surgery done, which was really painful

647

:

as hell having to deal with that hip.

648

:

So I got that outta the way, got

the hip fixed, went to rehab and

649

:

they were telling me, "You gotta

exercise, you gotta do this."

650

:

And I go, "Just leave me alone."

651

:

So for a day or two they just

were g- trying to push me.

652

:

Then I would get up and they

go, "You're walking too fast."

653

:

I said, "Well take your choice either

you, uh, leave me alone or let me walk.

654

:

I'm not gonna shuffle my

little feet across the floor.

655

:

I wanna walk."

656

:

So that hip, the right

hip healed beautifully.

657

:

Good shape.

658

:

So Dr.

659

:

España explained to me the

cornea transplant process.

660

:

Basically you get a cadaver cornea

someone passed away and they donated

661

:

and I want to thank whoever it was in

heaven that they saved my eyesight.

662

:

He goes, "There's a 50/50 shot," when

he told me that and I said, "Let's go."

663

:

Uh, uh, even if he said 30% chance,

I would've still said, "Let's go."

664

:

And he, um, he said, "This is a

50/50 that it'll get rejected."

665

:

And I said, "Look at this

point what have I got to lose?

666

:

50% or no percent?

667

:

I'll take the 50%.".So,

668

:

and he was explaining the process

and the surgery and, and you know,

669

:

they-- It's not the cataract 'cause

I had the cataract surgery which

670

:

caused the shingles to flare up in my

left eye that the doctor misdiagnosed

671

:

in Crystal River at the eye clinic.

672

:

So it wasn't that, it was the cornea

had just gotten chewed up from 40

673

:

years of, you know, shingle on it.

674

:

So they go in there and they take out the

cornea, they skim it, I don't know h-.

675

:

I mean this is, this is micro

mini You can't even see this shit.

676

:

And he goes, "We're gonna

probably put 12 to 18 stitches."

677

:

Really?

678

:

Yeah.

679

:

He said, "You know, it might be a little

scratchy, it might be a little bit

680

:

irritating ,and we'll take them out one

by one if we need to, to, you know, to,

681

:

to r- relieve the pain if there is any."

682

:

And I said okay.

683

:

So getting a cornea transplant,

my right hip now I think is fixed.

684

:

I'm not sure, I don't

remember now if it is or not.

685

:

I'm at Tampa, and uh, they

take the uh, bandage off.

686

:

And he puts some drops to s- you

know, to clear it, and he says,

687

:

"Blink blink," and I blink blink and

I go, "Holy shit, I can see again."

688

:

And that's what happened to me in

Ta-- in uh, Gainesville when that

689

:

doctor scraped my eye years before she

scraped off whatever that was on the…

690

:

for the shingle there, and she did

the same thing but not the cornea.

691

:

Well, it was on the cornea but she scraped

it, and that's when I got to see for about

692

:

six to eight months and I got my driver's

license back in between all of that.

693

:

Kind of the same effect where I'm laying

there or sitting there in the chair and

694

:

he's scraping this stuff off and, and,

and um, you know, he takes the bandage

695

:

off and he goes, "Yep, open up your eye."

696

:

And I open it up and I

go, "Wow, I can see."

697

:

Now I'm sitting here in my uh,

studio bedroom, bedroom studio

698

:

At the, at the desk, at the console,

and I've got stuff all around

699

:

the room and signage, and all of

it's crystal clear to me today.

700

:

I don't need glasses.

701

:

Um, I have a contact, uh, that

I have to put in for a lens.

702

:

My vision was 20/60, 20/70.

703

:

If you know what that is,

that's basically blind

704

:

Without the contact that I'm wearing now,

it would be about 20/50, which is enough

705

:

to see but not enough to drive safely.

706

:

So he suggested that I get

a lens after the surgery.

707

:

Said, "Let it heal and then

let's get you into a lens."

708

:

And you can't use a soft lens, you

have to use what's called a hard lens.

709

:

So I go on YouTube reviewing what

a hard lens is and how it works

710

:

and what's its-- You know, what's

the advantage versus a soft?

711

:

Well, the soft lens

only goes on the retina.

712

:

This goes over the top of the cornea

so that you have a peripheral vision.

713

:

So I'm sitting here right now, and there

were days when I put the hard lens in…

714

:

It's a little hard to get in sometimes

because it's a whole different process

715

:

than you would do with a wet lens or the

little--- I mean, um, not a wet lens, but

716

:

a little contact lens 'cause there's…

717

:

Th-this is a hard, hard lens, and

you fill it with a solution, and

718

:

you've gotta be forty-fi- Forty-five?

719

:

Yeah.

720

:

Or you gotta be on a right angle.

721

:

I gotta have my head bent over flat

so that I can put this straight into

722

:

my eye so that it'll go over the

top of the cornea, and you gotta

723

:

put it in without blinking 'cause

if you blink, the lens will pop.

724

:

Not pop out, it'll fall on the table.

725

:

In my experience, the first couple

of times when they tried to teach me

726

:

how to do it in Gainesville, 'cause

that's where I ended up getting the

727

:

lens 'cause I could not find any place.

728

:

Uh, there was a place in Tampa, but

then I went up to Gainesville and found

729

:

a place in Gainesville at the s-the

center that I had been there before.

730

:

They were really great people up

there, and there was only one doctor

731

:

that did it, and she examined me.

732

:

She goes, "Yep."

733

:

So they put a temporary in

there for an examination and

734

:

she goes, "Wow, working good."

735

:

So they were able to get my vision

from twenty/fifty to twenty/thirty.

736

:

Twenty/twenty is perfect.

737

:

Twenty/thirty is really good vision.

738

:

And with this hard lens, if I

take it out right now, I can see.

739

:

Not great, but I can see.

740

:

So I had glasses prior to the-- a

lot of this episode going on that

741

:

had, you know, a good stigma t-you

know, had a good vision in it.

742

:

So I used those to get around the house

and if I, if I need to go someplace real

743

:

quick, I can probably drive carefully

and safely, but I try not to do it.

744

:

But I put the hard lens.

745

:

Now word of caution, if you ever

get a hard lens and you break

746

:

one, it's five hundred bucks.

747

:

I broke two.

748

:

Two.

749

:

I got impatient one day putting one in and

it popped 'cause I blinked and it just…

750

:

I don't know how it did,

it just broken to pieces.

751

:

Luckily it wasn't in my eye when

it broke, but it broke on the

752

:

table and I was so, so irritated.

753

:

This is the beginnings of

it, you know, months ago

754

:

And, uh

755

:

I, uh, pick up the second one to put it

in, and for some reason it just popped out

756

:

of my hand, hit the floor, and cracked.

757

:

So now I got no contact lenses

758

:

I got ahead of myself a little bit, but

go to Gainesville, get another contact.

759

:

I bought two.

760

:

I got two of them now and the

process has been great putting it in.

761

:

A little trying sometimes getting

it in there, uh, not blinking before

762

:

you get it in there, having enough

solution in there, keeping it clean.

763

:

Um, but that has given me my

life back as far as mobility.

764

:

Without that, I'd be stranded.

765

:

I, I forever would have been dependent

on everybody else for, you know, help.

766

:

And in the last nine months, I had

my other hip done, my left hip.

767

:

So I had the left hip done.

768

:

I was starting to have pain in that

and the doctor looked at it and took

769

:

X-rays said, "Let's get it now."

770

:

So now I have two new hips.

771

:

Uh, I got two cataract surgeries

and a cornea transplant,

772

:

and one, two, three, four…

773

:

Four surgeries concerning my cancer plus

chemo and radiation and all the others.

774

:

All this started in 2020 till today.

775

:

I'm not saying this for sympathy.

776

:

I'm not saying this for any reason other

than there's someone out there going

777

:

through some kind of issues in their life.

778

:

A lot of us will not tell you

about the things that are going on.

779

:

We don't need you to have to carry

the burden or the worry of it and

780

:

it's not that we don't want you to.

781

:

It's hard enough for the person who's

going through it to have to deal with it

782

:

then to have to tell people about it and

feeling guilty that I told you that I was

783

:

having this where you're gonna-- I don't

want you f- I don't, I don't need someone

784

:

to feel sorry for me or have pity on me.

785

:

I just want you to be there

when I was there for you

786

:

Can I say my life has been perfect?

787

:

No.

788

:

Have I made mistakes?

789

:

Yeah.

790

:

Will I continue to make mistakes?

791

:

I hope not.

792

:

I, I, I have had a semi-epiphany

the last five years about life.

793

:

I have a, a friend of mine who I've

known for years in, in Sarasota and she

794

:

made a comment to me, oh gosh, I think

about halfway through my chemo radiation.

795

:

She goes, "You've changed."

796

:

I go, "What do you mean?"

797

:

She goes, "You're not so

hard and brash and…"

798

:

And uh, I kinda forgot about that

799

:

I, um, sometimes come off bad

800

:

I, I don't know if it's ego or

if it's just stupidity or if

801

:

it's just part of my personality.

802

:

Uh, I, I should think quickl- more--

I should think better about what I'm

803

:

doing so that I don't hurt people.

804

:

It's not deliberate.

805

:

It, it, it's…

806

:

I don't know what it is.

807

:

And what sparked all this was

a special person in my life who

808

:

reminded me that life is short

809

:

And I, I don't wanna go to my

grave thinking that, you know

810

:

I've done something to somebody

or someones that hurt them.

811

:

I don't-- That's not my intention.

812

:

Yeah, I, I, I, I sometimes

can be an asshole

813

:

But I think I'm on a different

trajectory in my life.

814

:

Today was kind of a semi-awakening

815

:

I got up, had breakfast with

some friends, and they asked some

816

:

questions about some things, and I

answered them kind of haphazardly.

817

:

But I, I thank God that I'm here

818

:

Part of my refocus is to be an

advocate for people who, you know,

819

:

are in, maybe in the same boat

who don't know what to do, say

820

:

I don't know what else

I can do for anyone.

821

:

I can just say that don't,

don't take the first opinion.

822

:

If you feel uncomfortable, if there's

something in your, in your in your

823

:

system that says to you, "Man, I just

don't feel right about this," ask.

824

:

Don't be afraid to ask.

825

:

Don't be afraid to challenge.

826

:

Yeah, doctors are great, but

sometimes they do make mistakes or

827

:

they'll guide you to someone who

they can tell they can help you

828

:

I mean, I, I, I could have been, "Okay.

829

:

Yeah, go ahead and do it."

830

:

I mean, there was one hip doctor

that, that Pete and I went to see,

831

:

and it was a referral from a friend.

832

:

And I, I got to the point where I

could really tell how good a doctor

833

:

is by walking into their waiting room.

834

:

And I was blind and I couldn't

see, but I heard conversations.

835

:

It's interesting when you lose one sense

how some others will pick up for you.

836

:

So my sense of hearing went up.

837

:

"Peter, excuse me."

838

:

"Ah, you're not paying

attention, you're not hearing."

839

:

I used to get that from the

nuns in Catholic school.

840

:

That's why I got my knuckles

swatted with rulers all the time.

841

:

We walked into this waiting

room of this doctor,

842

:

and I'm hearing conversations, and I'm

hearing a lot of pain, anguish, um,

843

:

concerns, doubts about, you know, the

doctor, the procedure, what's going

844

:

on with their, you know, their lives.

845

:

And I'm just listening to all this stuff

going on, and we're waiting for the, uh,

846

:

for our, our appointment with the doctor.

847

:

And I had some stuff from the VA

'cause I had my hips shot at the VA.

848

:

They took some pictures of it, and

they suggested that, you know, I go get

849

:

the surgery done and recommended, you

know, this other doctor for the hip.

850

:

And so I g- I hand it to him.

851

:

He said, "Well, I don't need that.

852

:

I'm just gonna do my

own stuff w- my own…"

853

:

So I said, "Well, wouldn't it be

nice to have a baseline to look at?

854

:

See what they saw, and see

if it matches what you see?"

855

:

And he was really a jerk.

856

:

And I looked at Pete and I said,

"Let's get the fuck outta here."

857

:

I said, "Dude, go screw yourself."

858

:

We walked up and got out, and I just

looked at that waiting room thinking…

859

:

I'm-- Oh my gosh, I'm sorry about that.

860

:

I'm thinking that, you know,

here are these people in

861

:

this doctor's waiting room.

862

:

A-and it looked like a

863

:

Sunday special, you know, the

place is jammed up and last seat

864

:

and you don't get a place to sit,

you don't, you don't get served.

865

:

And it, it, it's just

like a meat factory to me.

866

:

And j- and, and, and looking at enough

doctor's offices that I've been to

867

:

That's a tell to me.

868

:

As soon as I walk into a doctor's office,

how many patients that are in there?

869

:

What are the conversations?

870

:

What do the staff look like?

871

:

How do they feel?

872

:

Um, and, and being blind through most of

this, your other senses really, really

873

:

chime in on what's around you, and it

made me very astute to what's going on.

874

:

Even when I went in for my chemo

radiations, you know, the nurses that

875

:

were taking care of me in the chemo

room or in the, in the, uh, in the, the

876

:

blood drawing room, you know, the blood

suckers , um, you know, you could tell

877

:

that they were happy where they were.

878

:

Uh, the, the, um, the

patients were talkative.

879

:

Yeah, there was a lot of pain and

agony i- especially in that chemo room.

880

:

Uh, that, that was, that was

probably the toughest experience of

881

:

everything despite the surgeries,

the hip pain, the eye surgeries.

882

:

Sitting in that room knowing that some

of those people were not gonna make

883

:

it, the chemo was their last resort,

and if it didn't kill whatever they

884

:

had in them, it was gonna kill them.

885

:

That was the hard one.

886

:

The eyesight, yeah.

887

:

Blindness, okay, I'll, I'll deal with it.

888

:

I got one eye that kinda works.

889

:

I can get around.

890

:

You can fix my hips so I don't have to

have pain and canes to walk around with.

891

:

Um, I may not be able to drive again.

892

:

Okay.

893

:

Um, but the, the, the, the eyesight

of everything was the most stressful

894

:

I mean, bar none.

895

:

Uh, of everything that I've done these

last six years, that had to be the hardest

896

:

surgery from the results end of it.

897

:

Like I said, the hip, they go in, put the

new ball in there, making sure you don't

898

:

do this, don't do that, take care of it.

899

:

And I, I, I…

900

:

You know, uh, after the s-

second, uh, hip surgery, Maureen

901

:

ma- you know, made a comment.

902

:

She goes, "You're not

using your cane anymore."

903

:

I go, "Nope, done."

904

:

Uh, I'm walking.

905

:

Uh, I'm now dealing with the neuropathy

in my feet, which is the next

906

:

little issue, and some teeth issues.

907

:

Uh, but I've got-- Because of

the chemo, it's moved down.

908

:

It's down to my ankles.

909

:

I, it's not…

910

:

I don't think it's…

911

:

It may be neuropathy, but I

got a funny feeling in my feet.

912

:

I can walk.

913

:

It doesn't hurt if I walk.

914

:

I can walk flat, almost flat.

915

:

But if I touch it or someone

else touches my feet, I go nuts.

916

:

So that's the, the next item on the list.

917

:

And then, uh, I've got, uh, some

teeth that need to be extracted.

918

:

That's another one.

919

:

Went to a dentist here locally

to, uh, get an evaluation.

920

:

So $5,000 to pull two teeth,

uh, that were crowned years ago.

921

:

But because there's a crown

there, you know, there's a whole

922

:

procedure they gotta do, and I, I

go, "I gotta find someone else."

923

:

So we started looking, and, um, I

got some, uh, referrals on that.

924

:

So the next two are, you know, to

deal with the, uh, the neuropathy in

925

:

my feet and get those crowns done.

926

:

And pretty much, I don't know, couple

of million dollars in, uh, surgeries and

927

:

procedures in the last six years maybe.

928

:

But I'm still here.

929

:

And that brings me back

to why am I still here?

930

:

Why am I still here?

931

:

August the 9th, 2020 is

when this nightmare started.

932

:

Here it is September 2026, a month

after my birthday of six years, five

933

:

years, six years, whatever the hell

it is, and I'm still walking, talking.

934

:

I can see

935

:

And parts of my life are moving forward.

936

:

Other parts took a hard left

937

:

I, I am deeply saddened that

938

:

I, uh, caused pain to a lot of

people, my sister, you know, others.

939

:

And it wasn't deliberately.

940

:

I, I, I can be a jerk, I know that

941

:

But I, I also know that

942

:

God has a purpose for me, a

reason why I'm still here, why

943

:

I still have pretty good health.

944

:

I go into a, you know, the exam

to see the doc, my local…

945

:

I'm 76 years old.

946

:

I know guys that are in their 60s that

have been, you know, put away wet.

947

:

I mean just whipped.

948

:

I mean just can't walk, got a cane.

949

:

I got rid of the cane.

950

:

As soon as that leg held-- The

other hip healed, I told Marie

951

:

te- "Let's g- uh, the cane's gone.

952

:

I'm done.

953

:

Done with the walker.

954

:

Cane's gone."

955

:

I've got good balance.

956

:

I've got vision.

957

:

I wish I could get my appetite back.

958

:

Uh, I have new, you know…

959

:

I, I keep on asking,

"Why am I still here?"

960

:

Why?

961

:

W- what's, what's my purpose?

962

:

What's my mission in life

from this point forward?

963

:

'Cause I know in the last six years,

there were people who I came across, uh,

964

:

at the VA hospital, at the cancer center,

in the hospital while I was doing my

965

:

other surgeries that are not here today.

966

:

They're gone.

967

:

They've passed.

968

:

Their ticket got punched

969

:

I paid the cover charge

970

:

You know, I, uh

971

:

I've got things I still wanna do

972

:

Will it be real estate related?

973

:

Yeah.

974

:

Uh, I, I still have that little

flame in my soul about real

975

:

estate, maybe to different degrees.

976

:

Uh, there are other things that

are on the horizon which at some

977

:

point I'll be free to talk about

and you're all gonna be shocked.

978

:

Personally, my life is

in a turmoil right now.

979

:

Not what I expected, and I'm deeply,

deeply, deeply hurt that I hurt someone

980

:

And it wasn't intentional, it

was just stupidity on my part.

981

:

I tend to, um, mess up

good things once in a while

982

:

This whole recording came about

in the beginning of a woe is

983

:

me, but it's not a woe is me.

984

:

It's about you.

985

:

If someone hears this and they go, "Wow,

I've got this going on in my life."

986

:

Let me think about this

differently because there is a

987

:

way to maybe have a better day.

988

:

I didn't know.

989

:

I mean, I didn't know if I was

gonna live past, uh, the chemo and

990

:

the radiation or the surgery or

the eye surgeries or my cancer…

991

:

You know, the hip surgeries.

992

:

I mean, at any moment in time,

you could have been checked out

993

:

And I've said this for years, and it's

an old thing that, you know, everyone

994

:

says, you know, "Yesterday's gone.

995

:

Can't do a thing about it."

996

:

I'm sorry about yesterday.

997

:

Yeah, I, I could have done better.

998

:

You know, we all could.

999

:

I mean, no one's perfect.

:

01:02:33,606 --> 01:02:35,375

We-- You know, we all

mess up at some point.

:

01:02:36,145 --> 01:02:40,385

Yeah, you know, I, I know, I, I,

I know that during my processes

:

01:02:40,385 --> 01:02:42,895

with a few people, they probably

got a little irritated with me.

:

01:02:43,495 --> 01:02:49,465

And a couple times, you know, I was not

very nice, but I was also scared because

:

01:02:50,685 --> 01:02:52,916

I had three catastrophic illness…

:

01:02:52,935 --> 01:02:55,365

Not illnesses, but

yeah, whatever they are.

:

01:02:55,646 --> 01:02:59,735

I had three things in my life going on

simultaneously in a short period of time.

:

01:02:59,745 --> 01:03:03,236

Usually, people have a span of a lifetime

with it, you know, situations where they

:

01:03:03,236 --> 01:03:06,395

get something happens to them, and it

goes away, and then you have your….

:

01:03:07,106 --> 01:03:08,595

I had it all hit at once.

:

01:03:10,286 --> 01:03:14,746

I don't know if this was a wake-up

call from God as to, "Okay, kid, you

:

01:03:14,746 --> 01:03:16,155

know, you fucked up too many years.

:

01:03:16,295 --> 01:03:20,745

Here, I'm gonna straighten you

out real quick," and he kinda did

:

01:03:23,320 --> 01:03:25,070

Made me realize what's most important

:

01:03:29,496 --> 01:03:33,286

What's important that, uh, you go

through life not hurting people.

:

01:03:34,856 --> 01:03:36,296

You help people as best you can.

:

01:03:37,306 --> 01:03:38,586

Some people you can't help.

:

01:03:39,316 --> 01:03:40,276

They just don't want it.

:

01:03:41,645 --> 01:03:43,096

And others, well

:

01:03:46,030 --> 01:03:48,160

I've had good support

from a lot of people.

:

01:03:49,580 --> 01:03:54,820

I gotta say that, you know, other than a

few medical people during the-- You know,

:

01:03:54,820 --> 01:03:56,710

during the process who were kinda crappy.

:

01:03:56,870 --> 01:03:57,110

They're…

:

01:03:57,120 --> 01:03:58,570

You know, no one's perfect.

:

01:03:59,089 --> 01:04:03,229

You know about the one person come

draw blood on me one night in the

:

01:04:03,229 --> 01:04:05,659

middle of the night, you know,

the 3:00 AM draw blood thing.

:

01:04:06,059 --> 01:04:06,970

Stabs me in the arm.

:

01:04:07,010 --> 01:04:10,459

I mean, really literally stabbed

me in the arm and I screamed.

:

01:04:10,460 --> 01:04:13,029

I said-- I go, "Dude, I've been

stabbed, I don't know, a couple

:

01:04:13,030 --> 01:04:14,369

hundred times, and you are the worst.

:

01:04:14,370 --> 01:04:17,040

Get the fuck away from me right

now or I'm gonna punch you out."

:

01:04:17,079 --> 01:04:18,029

And I couldn't even see him.

:

01:04:19,350 --> 01:04:26,270

So there, there, there have been a few

instances like that, but overall, 99.98%,

:

01:04:26,960 --> 01:04:32,279

everyone who I had contact with in any

of the procedures or the follow-ups

:

01:04:32,279 --> 01:04:33,720

or the appointment were great.

:

01:04:33,788 --> 01:04:36,159

I mean, yeah, they have bad

days, and you know what?

:

01:04:36,159 --> 01:04:37,160

I didn't take it out on them.

:

01:04:37,859 --> 01:04:41,369

I mean, I'd see patients yelling at

some of these staff people, and all

:

01:04:41,370 --> 01:04:43,699

they're doing is doing their job

trying to help you get through this

:

01:04:43,710 --> 01:04:49,219

process, and there was some really nasty

people yelling at these poor, uh…

:

01:04:50,419 --> 01:04:51,209

They're not nurses.

:

01:04:51,210 --> 01:04:54,869

The aides or whoever they were,

the staff at the, at the desk, you

:

01:04:54,869 --> 01:04:57,860

know, checking 'em in or checking

'em out or whatever they were doing.

:

01:04:58,250 --> 01:05:00,760

There were j- There were some nasty

people, and I'm thinking, "Well, I know

:

01:05:00,760 --> 01:05:03,329

you're in pain and agony and you're

concerned about what's going on in

:

01:05:03,329 --> 01:05:04,809

your life, but it's not their fault."

:

01:05:05,799 --> 01:05:06,788

Don't take it out on them.

:

01:05:06,788 --> 01:05:09,669

Don't take it out on

your family, you know?

:

01:05:10,309 --> 01:05:19,529

Um, it, it, it just, it, it, it

makes you wake up that life's short.

:

01:05:20,538 --> 01:05:22,889

Like I said, yesterday's gone.

:

01:05:23,739 --> 01:05:28,589

There's no guarantee that I get this

podcast, uh, posted tonight at midnight,

:

01:05:28,589 --> 01:05:29,859

'cause that's when I put 'em out there.

:

01:05:30,429 --> 01:05:31,629

I'm gonna not edit it.

:

01:05:31,969 --> 01:05:33,339

I'm just gonna post it raw

:

01:05:36,182 --> 01:05:40,422

And if it gets out there, it's out there,

and if I'm dead tomorrow, hey, it's there.

:

01:05:40,602 --> 01:05:43,031

If I die between now and then,

it's gonna be in the machine.

:

01:05:43,352 --> 01:05:45,952

Maybe someone will listen

to it and, and post it.

:

01:05:46,672 --> 01:05:49,611

But, you know, there, there's

no guarantee tomorrow.

:

01:05:50,252 --> 01:05:52,221

All I know is I'm talking right now

:

01:05:54,968 --> 01:05:57,698

And I'm hoping that someone listens.

:

01:05:59,648 --> 01:06:05,658

And if you'd like to share your

story, I would love, love for you

:

01:06:05,658 --> 01:06:07,168

to sit down with me and we talk.

:

01:06:08,498 --> 01:06:14,508

Because if you and I can share our

experiences and help one person through

:

01:06:14,508 --> 01:06:17,727

some really tough times, not only the

person but their family, their friends,

:

01:06:18,077 --> 01:06:22,128

make them under- help them understand

what you're going through, it can't hurt.

:

01:06:23,878 --> 01:06:25,198

So it's an open invitation.

:

01:06:25,727 --> 01:06:28,118

Uh, my information is on the podcast site.

:

01:06:28,548 --> 01:06:30,178

You got my name and my number there.

:

01:06:31,028 --> 01:06:33,607

Call me, text me, phone me, whatever

:

01:06:35,630 --> 01:06:40,970

Because I think that's one of my, my, my

parting dedications as part of my life

:

01:06:40,970 --> 01:06:49,750

cycle is to, um, take my experiences

that I've had and, uh, talk about them

:

01:06:53,196 --> 01:06:59,136

I don't know many people that would

open up their lives to everyone.

:

01:06:59,706 --> 01:07:00,896

I have nothing to hide.

:

01:07:01,416 --> 01:07:02,755

Yeah, I've screwed up.

:

01:07:03,186 --> 01:07:04,516

Everyone has in their lives.

:

01:07:05,836 --> 01:07:09,436

But at this point in life, all

I wanna do is try to make things

:

01:07:09,436 --> 01:07:12,756

better for the people that are

around me and the people that I meet

:

01:07:18,020 --> 01:07:20,590

So yesterday is gone.

:

01:07:21,420 --> 01:07:23,040

Tomorrow's not guaranteed.

:

01:07:24,090 --> 01:07:25,520

We have today.

:

01:07:26,189 --> 01:07:27,380

This is Vinnie DiRosa,

:

01:07:29,430 --> 01:07:30,980

and thank you for listening.

:

01:07:31,300 --> 01:07:31,899

God bless you

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