Shownotes
What do parents need to know about the masks LGBTQ+ kids wear for survival?
For queer kids, and the parents, moms, and allies supporting them, masks (figurative and literal)can mean safety, expression, or survival. But not all masks are harmless. Some start to suffocate. In this episode, we explore what playful costumes and emotional disguises have in common and how to help our kids (and ourselves) know when it’s time to take the mask off.
- Learn how to tell when your child’s “mask” is joyful play or protective camouflage.
- Explore how figurative masking shows up in parenting and how to model authenticity.
- Walk away with practical tools to build trust, inclusion, and safety without forcing disclosure.
Press play to uncover the power of masks, the risks of hiding, and what it really means to be seen, known, and safe.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ+ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and foster courageous, compassionate connection.
If you’re in the thick of parenting, allyship, or pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast and space where a mom and mental health advocate offers guidance on parenting with empathy, inclusion, and open-minded allyship, fostering growth, healing, and empowerment within the LGBTQ community—including lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals—while addressing grief, boundaries, education, diversity, human rights, gender identity, sexual orientation, social justice, and the power of human kindness through a lens of ally support and community engagement.
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Transcripts
Some masks are made of plastic and glitter.
Speaker A:Others are made of silence and fear.
Speaker A:Are they playful and imaginative, created for survival, or worn to create chaos?
Speaker A:Let's talk about the difference and what it's teaching our kids.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:Let's get started.
Speaker A:In today's episode, we'll explore the difference between joyful costumes and harmful disguises.
Speaker A:We'll learn about the real dangers of masks in today's climate of violence and surveillance.
Speaker A:And we'll walk away with ways to balance joy and caution as parents.
Speaker A:And stay tuned for today's Unlearn, where I'll challenge the myth that masks always protect us.
Speaker A:Welcome back to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester, and today we're talking about masks.
Speaker A:The ones we wear at Halloween, yes, but also the ones we wear every day and the ones that we even might encounter.
Speaker A:If you're listening, you care about showing up authentically and raising kids who can do the same.
Speaker A:But maybe, like me, you've also felt the pressure to hide, to present a version of yourself that feels safer but not necessarily truer.
Speaker A:In today's reflection, we'll explore how to tell the difference between joyful costumes and harmful disguises.
Speaker A:How to balance creativity and caution in a world that often confuses the two, and how to start taking off the masks that keep us from being fully seen.
Speaker A:Because if we don't, we risk teaching our kids that pretending is safer than being real.
Speaker A:And that's a message they carry long after the costume comes off.
Speaker A:As I considered this topic of masks for today, a million thoughts and ideas flowed through my mind.
Speaker A:I wanted to talk about their importance in both the literal and figurative senses for our LGBTQ kids.
Speaker A:I also wanted to acknowledge the multitude of ways we, as adults and parents and allies, use figurative masks for protection or hiding or out of fear, and where we learned those behaviors.
Speaker A:And I wanted to acknowledge the way literal masks have slithered into our headlines in the most insidious of ways, with the current actions of ice, of hate and violence being carried out by cowards and masks against LGBTQ folks, immigrants, black and brown people, women, and any others the current administration deems less than or other.
Speaker A:I actually asked my kids to weigh in on this topic because it feels so big and important, and I wanted to do it well.
Speaker A:So bear with me as I offer some clarity and insight in a way that I hope enriches your day to day, as it has mine.
Speaker A:So let's start out with the figurative mask our queer kids and friends often wear.
Speaker A:Most of us at one time or another have masked who we are, but for LGBTQ people, many times social masks are worn to hide identity for safety purposes, and not only in a feeling, safe sense, but also in a physical safety sense.
Speaker A:Research done by Gilson showed that 59% of LGBTQ students report hiding identity at school for safety.
Speaker A:I discussed the importance and meaning of literal masks and costumes in the last episode.
Speaker A:So go check it out if you haven't already.
Speaker A:But because I'm a believer in repetition for learning, the freedom of expression and exploration that comes with literal masks and costuming for the LGBTQ community is so vitally important to development, to identity formation, to understanding the full human they are meant to be.
Speaker A:As parents and allies, understanding and protecting these very formative acts is some of the most supportive, validating, and nurturing work we can do.
Speaker A:Okay, now moving on to the multitude of ways we as adults, parents and allies use figurative masks for protection or hiding or out of fear and looking at where we learned those behaviors.
Speaker A:This is an area where I could spend a lot of time giving a ton of examples, but I think for today's pod, I want to use this more as a reflection or a place to process some thoughts.
Speaker A:So just pause for a moment as you're listening, if you're able, and review just the past week of your life, and think about when or where you might have masked your true self to some degree for protection.
Speaker A:Whether it could be physical, it could also have been mental or emotional or spiritual.
Speaker A:Think about what.
Speaker A:What is this mask that you have created to hide behind?
Speaker A:Does keeping this mask in place make you less afraid?
Speaker A:And can you remember where this mask originated or what happened to put the creation of this mask in motion?
Speaker A:I know these are rather intense questions that ask you to dig a little deeper than usual.
Speaker A:And while you're contemplating your answers, I'll share a little bit of mine.
Speaker A:The last time I masked myself for protection was when I visited my parents.
Speaker A:The more I have evolved, and the more I have leaned into the true me, the more aware I've become of the masks I've created.
Speaker A:Sometimes I've created them for protection, sometimes to hide behind because I just don't have it in me.
Speaker A:And in that moment, to be.
Speaker A:Unapologetically myself, when I'm either facing those who have always refused to see me or those who don't like the real me.
Speaker A:If this is a line of thinking that you really, really enjoy, we will continue this on Live Journaling Fridays on substack.
Speaker A:So come check it out and come join us.
Speaker A:Finally, I wanted to acknowledge the way literal masks have slithered into our headlines in the most insidious of ways, with the current authoritarian influenced actions of ice of hate and violence being carried out by cowards in masks against LGBTQ folks, immigrants, black and brown people, women, and any others the current administration deems less than or other.
Speaker A:I bring this into today's discussion for one simple reason.
Speaker A:To use my voice and to encourage you to use yours to name these actions for what they are when you see them clearly and factually.
Speaker A:We cannot allow these uses of masks to become normalized or accepted in any way.
Speaker A:Call it out when you see it.
Speaker A:Cowardly, authoritarian, Cruel.
Speaker A:Illegal.
Speaker A:Use your own words.
Speaker A:So I know I definitely got a little carried away there, but it's felt really important, so I just kind of went with it.
Speaker A:But I want to circle back now to the ways we can balance joy and caution as parents when it comes to acknowledging the importance of the freedom allowed by and the potential danger of masks.
Speaker A:When it comes to masks, both the playful and the metaphorical ones.
Speaker A:We have to hold joy and caution at the same time.
Speaker A:Masks can be magic.
Speaker A:They let kids imagine, create, and express feelings they might not yet know how to name.
Speaker A:Sometimes putting on a mask helps a child feel brave enough to show a part of themselves they've kept tucked away.
Speaker A:Masks can also become protection, a way to hide or fit in when the world feels too harsh or too uncertain.
Speaker A:That's where our awareness as parents matters.
Speaker A:When we notice whether a mask is helping our child expand or helping them disappear, we can gently guide them toward authenticity without taking away the joy of pretending.
Speaker A:For young kids, this means teaching them that while masks can be fun, some people use them to hide harmful actions.
Speaker A:And that's why paying attention matters.
Speaker A:Frankly, this is an important lesson for all of us to remember through all of the ages.
Speaker A:But it is especially important to start teaching this at a young age.
Speaker A:For teens, it's reminding them that wearing a metaphorical mask might feel safer right now.
Speaker A:But real safety also can come from having trusted allies who see and love who they are underneath it all.
Speaker A:And for us as parents, it means modeling what authenticity looks like for being willing to take off our own masks.
Speaker A:The goal isn't to make them stop wearing masks.
Speaker A:We don't want to steal their joy.
Speaker A:We want to make sure that they know when it's safe to take the figurative ones off.
Speaker A:When we learn to see masks this way, both as play and protection, we can start to notice the ones that we wear, too.
Speaker A:Before we jump into today's unlearn, I want to sit in this very human moment of holding, that joy and danger often coexist.
Speaker A:The challenge isn't to get rid of masks completely.
Speaker A:It's to teach our kids which ones protect and which ones harm.
Speaker A:When we find ourselves in heavy moments like this, or ones that might be a bit overwhelming, I find it helpful to remind myself that kindness isn't always soft.
Speaker A:Sometimes it's just steady.
Speaker A:It's the voice that says, you can rest now or you can try again tomorrow.
Speaker A:It's how we remind ourselves and others that love is still here.
Speaker A:Moving on to the unlearned for today, here is where we shine a light on the myths, the noise, and the unhelpful messages we've picked up and choose to let them go.
Speaker A:Because when we do, we free up so much space for courage and for kindness.
Speaker A:So we've been taught that masks keep us safe.
Speaker A:We've talked a lot about it today, that if we hide the parts of ourselves that others might not understand, we'll be protected.
Speaker A:But here's the truth.
Speaker A:The masks that once helped us survive can start to suffocate us if we don't ever take them off.
Speaker A:When we cling to our masks, whether it's perfection, control, strength, politeness, we may avoid rejection, but we also block connection.
Speaker A:We can't be fully loved for who we are if we're always presenting who we think we should be.
Speaker A:So today's unlearn is this Protection and connection can't coexist behind the same mask.
Speaker A:True safety comes from being seen, from finding the people and spaces where authenticity isn't dangerous but celebrated.
Speaker A:Today we explored what masks reveal and what they hide.
Speaker A:We talked about the freedom they can offer, the protection they can provide, and the harm they cause when we forget to take them off.
Speaker A:As parents, allies and humans, our work is to help our kids and ourselves know the difference between play and disguise.
Speaker A:Because true safety doesn't come from hiding.
Speaker A:It comes from being seen and loved as we are.
Speaker A:If you'd like to keep exploring how to raise brave, kind kids and to keep unlearning the fears that keep us small, you can join me@morehumanmorekind.com that's where this work continues every week.
Speaker A:New episodes come out every Tuesday and Friday, so follow and subscribe so you never miss an episode.
Speaker A:Thank you for listening, for showing up, and for choosing to be more human, more kind.
Speaker A:Until next time, take care of yourselves and keep finding the courage to take the mask off.
