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2 Keys To My Parenting "Success": Lessons Learned from Taking My Child to College
Episode 8324th August 2023 • Become A Calm Mama • Darlynn Childress
00:00:00 00:35:13

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What does “success” really look like in parenting? What is the end goal? What are we doing all this for? In this episode, I’m debriefing a huge step in my parenting journey and sharing two keys that have shaped my experience as a parent and my relationship with my kids. 

Yesterday I dropped off my oldest son for his first year of college – and transitioned him one step further on his journey towards independence.

Then it hit me: THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN PREPARING FOR ALL ALONG. That point of graduating from high school and launching into adulthood is, in many ways, the finish line of parenting.

I’ve been slowly moving Lincoln towards independence, responsibility and emotional health since he was 4 years old. 

That meant working on myself and calming my own emotional reactivity, so I didn’t dump all my crap on him. 

It meant learning how to teach him emotional regulation through the practice of compassion, so he would learn what to do with all of his feelings too.

I had to have firm limits with him. Let him make mistakes. Not rescue him. 

I’m still processing a lot of the thoughts and feelings around this big step, but I realized two key factors that made this transition easier for me and I wanted to share them with you right away. 

2 Keys to Parenting Success

Years and years of work have led us to this moment. It’s why he’s going to be ok. And it’s why I know how to process all of this in real time – no stuffing, dumping, avoiding, projecting, or over-dramatizing any of it. 

Parenting Key #1: Embracing and processing your emotion is so important

Learning to process emotion, especially negative ones, is probably the single most valuable gift I’ve given myself over the past 19 years of motherhood. Being able to feel all my feelings has allowed me to truly be present for the experience of parenting and raising my boys. 

I was here for it. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I’m so grateful for my willingness to get help when I needed it. To learn. To grow. To become. 

This is really where self-coaching begins. It’s about noticing, allowing and soothing your emotion, and then finding new thoughts to help you move forward. 

Parenting Key #2: Celebrating your parenting achievements is a good thing

The hard work of “gentle parenting” is worth it. 

When you do the personal development work along with compassionate parenting, the result is a kid who feels very connected to you and has a lot of emotional health for themselves - Especially if you combine that connection with firm limits and restorative consequences.

Years ago, I chose 3 parenting goals:

  1. My kids’ emotional health and wellbeing
  2. My relationship with my kids
  3. My own mental and emotional wellbeing

As Lincoln steps out on his own, I can honestly say I’ve achieved what I set out to do as a mom. 

And I’m letting myself be proud of it. I’m not skipping over it to the next thing or pushing myself for more or better. I’m just here in this moment, savoring and enjoying it. 

When you reach the “finish line”, it’s okay to celebrate, to be proud of what you’ve accomplished.

What Will Parenting Success Look Like For You?

Ultimately, we want our kids not to need us. We will still be in a relationship, but as two adults who are able to manage their own emotions, move through obstacles and take care of themselves and their responsibilities.

I invite you to explore these 2 takeaways yourself, by reflecting on the following questions. 

  1. Are you letting yourself feel the feelings as they come up? Do you allow yourself to feel fully sad or mad or scared? Do you trust yourself to feel it all and let the feeling pass through you? 
  2. Are you letting yourself feel proud of your hard work as a parent? Do you quiet your inner critic, at least sometimes, and tell yourself good job?

I also want you to know that you have permission - Permission to feel your feelings and permission to be proud of yourself. When you do these things, you’ll show up more often as the mom you want to be. 

As a parenting coach, my goal is always for you to improve your relationship with yourself, improve your relationship with your child and improve your child’s relationship with themself. And we do all that through the lens of self compassion, compassion, connection and healthy boundaries. 

One of the main things I teach in my Emotionally Healthy classes is how to fully feel and process your feelings. Because, as parents, we have a lot of them. and we don’t want to dump them on our kids. You have to be able to process your negative emotion first before you teach your kids how.

Thank you for celebrating this milestone with me, and know that I’m celebrating with you as you launch your own kids into kindergarten, middle school, high school or whatever step is next. 

You’ll Learn:

  • All about my “anxiety nest”
  • Why “mom mode” is a way to escape our feelings 
  • How to feel your feelings and be ok with whatever comes up
  • The small and simple ways I feel proud of myself as a mom 

Listen now! 🌈💕

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

Transcripts

Darlynn Childress [:

Well, hello there. Welcome back to become a calm mama.This is Darlynn Childress. I am the host of this podcast. And on this podcast, my goal for you is that you become a calm mama. And we the purpose of becoming calm is so that we can raise emotionally healthy kids And that's always my goal as a parenting coach is to improve your relationship with yourself. to improve your relationship with your child and to improve your child's relationship with themselves. And we do all that through the lens of self compassion, compassion, connection, and healthy boundaries, parenthetically.

Darlynn Childress [:

So On this episode, I actually am going to spend some time debriefing my experience of dropping my son off to college. Lincoln, my oldest son, I dropped him off at Santa Barbara in Santa Barbara yesterday. He is going to a community college called Santa Barbara City College. And in that community, there's a private dorm next to University, California, Santa Barbara. And we found this dorm, and they allow, community college students to live there. It's actually a dorm just for the college students, but it is in the same town as UC Santa Barbara. So it's really kind of the best of both worlds for our son. He is getting the smaller community college experience, you know, and having smaller classes and a little more support.

Darlynn Childress [:

That is what is it's a cool benefit of community college, actually, that the schools tend to be smaller and you can get access to support really easily. So yay. But then also he gets to go away and have a dorm and have roommates and have that 1st, you know, 1st year of college experience. So we love this plan for him. And yesterday was the move in day for his dorm. And It might be a little bit soon to do a reflection because, like, literally, it hasn't even been 24 hours since I've dropped him off, but I wanted to spend some time sort of processing where I'm at, where my thoughts are, and helping you grow in your ability to really allow for any feeling that comes up. That's the theme of this podcast episode. And so I'm gonna kind of, like, you know, break it down for you a little bit of what it was like for me and then also kind of what my my takeaways are from from raising the kid, you know, honestly, that goal post of graduation from high school And then launching into adulthood is the finish line of parenting in some ways.

Darlynn Childress [:

And it doesn't it doesn't Completely end. I've talked about this a little bit. I think parenting ends when your child is truly independent, and that also means financially independent. And we can have emotional interdependence, he and I, that will never end. That's what being in a relationship is. We're always gonna be in a relationship. I'm always gonna be a mom. But the actual practical pieces of parenting and mothering, I do believe end.

Darlynn Childress [:

And that's because I separate my relationship from the parenting or mothering tasks. So all that to say is I can't I kinda go at the end and, like, I'm a parenting co So it would probably be good for me to process and talk to you about my experience as I wrap up this parenting journey in this way. Of course, my son is financially independent. we are paying for college. We have not, like, turned him out and said, you know, you're on your own. He he still has a lot of connection with us. We pay for his car and all of those things. And so there's still freedom responsibility tethers.

Darlynn Childress [:

So as, you know, as he gets more financially independent, that's when he that's kind of the last the last frontier or whatever in his, journey towards adulthood. Okay. So yesterday, in the morning is when we were packing up. And it's funny because I've kind of talked about this a little bit on my social media, but I had been gathering things for Lincoln over the summer. And it I really didn't go crazy. Some moms really into decorating the room. I was just kinda really practical, but whenever a feeling would come up over the summer where I felt a little bit scared of, like, oh my gosh. Is he gonna, you know, is he gonna have everything he needs and all that? I would sorta get something and I would put it in this pile in our dining room on the dining room table, like, the dining room, we don't use that much.

Darlynn Childress [:

And that was became, like, where all Lincoln stuff was for school. And I started to call it my anxiety nest. And it was like, when I would have an anxious moment, I would go like, oh, you know what he needs? He needs an umbrella. And then I would, like, get an umbrella, and I would put it in my anxiety nest. And That was, you know, my my the externalizing of me and my anxious feelings about him leaving. I kinda teetered back and forth. Sometimes I didn't really think about it that much and then other times I would be really focused on it. So all summer, it was sort of journey towards prepping him to get ready.

Darlynn Childress [:

And then yesterday was move in day. So he we had, you know, all of the stuff from the dining room, like, my anxiety nest, And, it took about 30 minutes to pack the car. So we packed it all up. We got bike, surfboard, computer, computer desk. I mean, just you know, computer chair, all the things, and put everything in the car. And then we drove. It's about an hour a half, little less. Santa Barbara from our house, and we checked him into his dorm.

Darlynn Childress [:

We had a quick lunch, and then we just started to unpack all this stuff. So it was really in mom mode. You know, how mom mode is, like, you've got your list and you've got your project and you're kind of making sure everybody is, you know, doing what they need to be do, And when you're in mom mode, I actually think it's really easy to not have a lot of emotion, except maybe frustration if people aren't moving fast enough or they're not listening to you or you realize Like, for me, if I realized that, you know, we forgot something or that I wasn't prepared enough, then I can get a little anxious about it. and it can show up as as frustration or or, you know, irritation. But for the most part, I'm not really processing the experience when I'm in mom mode. I'm just like, doing the tasks. I'm sure you can relate as a mom. So I was just like it was almost like a regular mom day, like, getting It's it's we felt a little bit like we were going on a trip as a family.

Darlynn Childress [:

You know that feeling before you go, especially if it's a road trip, And you're, you know, you gotta get everybody in the car and get everything and everyone's, like, kind of running around and, nada, nada. That's how it felt all day. And then we got to the room and we unpacked it. We problem solved, made decisions, did another target run, right, came back. So that whole vibe of the day Was a little bit, like, actually Lincoln described it. He said, it feels like I'm not moving. It hasn't even hit me. This was, like, after we even finished the room, And we went we finished the room.

Darlynn Childress [:

It was really great. And then, of course, there's a beach close by because it's Santa Barbara. So we finished his room, you know, spick and span. Everything looked amazing. Took the videos. Took the pictures. And then we went to the beach as a family, the four of us. and the boys, like, jumped in the water.

Darlynn Childress [:

I was really just, like, had such mom, like, bliss watching my kids swim together. they have done since they were little and they enjoyed themselves. And, you know, the 4 of us were, you know, standing in the sun and just kind of enjoying that moment. And Lincoln said, it doesn't even feel like I'm moving or that I live here. It hasn't hit me yet. It just feels like we're on a family trip. and that we just set up our Airbnb, and now we're just exploring the area. And that was 100% the feeling of most of the day.

Darlynn Childress [:

And And then we went from the beach. We went to dinner, the 4 of us. So it still kind of felt like, explore the city vacation mode kind of thing. all until we drove back to the dorm. And it started sort of started right when we were paying the bill. I was, like, sitting next to Lincoln, and I could feel myself, like, wanting to hug him a lot and, like, put my hands on his back and just I'm not really that touchy with my kids, but I just wanted to, like, you know, touch touch him and he was kinda, like, nudging me away because I was, like, leaning on him. But in a sweet way, I think it was starting to hit all of us. So we drove back to the dorm, and we all get out of the car, and we're just silent as we walk.

Darlynn Childress [:

We're like, are we just gonna walk you back to your room or what? He's like, yeah. I guess. We're like, okay. So the 4 of us kinda walk quietly to the room. And then, you know, we stand there. We give a bunch of Random good luck. And I love you, and you'll do great, and I'll miss you. And he sat down on his bed, and we all sort of slunk away.

Darlynn Childress [:

Like, Sawyer goes, so what do we do? We just walk out. And I was like, yeah. And then he goes, bye, Lincoln. He yells really loud. And We walk out. We close the door. We walk down the stairs, and he's just in his room, and we're not with him anymore. So we walk to the car, and we get in the car and we start driving.

Darlynn Childress [:

And I just feel numb in that moment. Like, I've had a lot of experience with grief and loss. I've lost my sister, my mom, Someone who is almost like one of my best friends. And so I've experienced a lot of grief and and and mourning. and it had a little bit of that tinge of when something happens and it you don't quite feel it yet. Like, it hasn't hit you yet. I just felt sorta numb, and I just felt very, very tired, but unnecessarily tired because I, wasn't like that physical of a day, and I had slept fine. I just felt that kind of fatigue of of grief in some ways.

Darlynn Childress [:

If you if you've ever lost someone, you know what I'm talking about. So I was really and I was really quiet, which isn't like me because I'm usually very talkative. And I'm always, like, chatty and I like to debrief everything and talk about everything. And that's, you know, my husband is used to that. But on this drive, I just was quiet. And I I didn't have anything to say. And Kevin was like, you know, so how are you feeling? And I was like, numb. Like, I don't feel anything yet.

Darlynn Childress [:

I just feel tired. Then that was the beginning of me realizing that I don't get to control or create my emotional experience that the all of the lessons I've learned throughout all the years, things I teach on this podcast, things I teach in my classes, is that we are really Just supposed to be present for the emotions as they come up. And that's true for our kids and for us. and just narrating the feeling, narrating the circumstance, naming that emotion, trying to put words to describe that messy thing inside, And then allowing for it to be expressed in ways that work. And when you're a little kid, you don't know how to express your feelings. Right? You hit and punch spit and kick and cry and throw and write all that behavior. And sometimes when you're a grown up, you don't know how to feel your feelings either. You kind of avoid them.

Darlynn Childress [:

You talk a lot. You if if you're a mom, you hyper organize, you're emotionally checkout. Yeah. We all have these strategies and these ways of dealing with our feelings. And I'm not gonna judge any of your Feeling says that's not compassion. Compassion is just recognizing, oh, you have an emotion, and this is how you're expressing it. And as you get better with naming your own emotions and expressing them, get really comfortable with just being okay with however they are. And that's what happened to me in the car.

Darlynn Childress [:

I was like, oh, I'm just numb right now. Like, I thought I was gonna be sad. I thought I might feel relief. I thought I might feel other feelings. I have felt those over the last 4 months. You know, once it kinda hit me that he was gonna move out, I've experienced those at different times, and they come when they come. And that's the thing about feelings. So I was kinda quiet in the car.

Darlynn Childress [:

It's not a long drive. We got home. And All I wanted was to be alone. I actually really wanted to change it to my pajamas. That's like a big signal to me that I can relax, and I can be okay. So I was like, okay. I'm gonna go upstairs and take my and get my pajamas. So I went upstairs.

Darlynn Childress [:

I got into my pajamas, and then I walked by Lincoln's room, and I just went in. And then I started to feel sad because he was not in there, and his room has kind of a quiet Like, his things are gone. You know, there's still furniture in there, but it doesn't feel quite the same. His guitars are gone. His computers, you know, all these things. So I've climbed into bed. I climbed into his bed, and I just laid down in there. I put the covers up, and I just sort of curled up, and I didn't start crying.

Darlynn Childress [:

It wasn't intense. I just kind of felt his presence. I felt sad. I I just was in my own kind of quiet, like, you know, resetting my nervous system, resting my body, thinking of him, wishing for good things for him, It wasn't like prayer. It just was quiet. I was just in my fields. Couple tears fell. Kevin walked in.

Darlynn Childress [:

He just kinda, like, gefawed at me. He walked away. And and I laid there for a while, and then I realized that I was done. And that the feeling that I needed that being in his room had passed So it was like, I was numb in the car, then I was sad, and then it kind of settled, and I felt like, okay. This feeling is now over, and I was ready to move on. I would I kind of was like, okay. This is what it's gonna be like. I I kind of came to a little bit of terms of acceptance.

Darlynn Childress [:

And that is what I've noticed with feelings is that when we allow them, They shift naturally. Our brain starts to tell a different story. We kind of experience the feeling. And then our our mind will start to say, okay. This is not that bad. It's okay. I'm okay. We start to coach ourselves.

Darlynn Childress [:

So that's sort of what happened to me. I like, the moment passed, Sawyer came in the room, And I just found myself ready to move along, move my evening along, talk to him about his protein smoothie or whatever. And then this morning, I woke up, And I had no idea what I would feel, and I felt a little sad knowing that I wouldn't see Lincoln today. So I had that thought, like, oh, I'm not gonna see Lincoln today. And I felt sad. And that was, like, a strange awareness. I had this strange awareness. Like, oh, my kid has moved out.

Darlynn Childress [:

It's not like the feeling of summer, like summer camp because there's no end date. Right? This is our new normal. So I can feel my thoughts shifting about, like, okay. This is how it is. This is what it's like now. I'm not gonna see him every day. We're probably not even gonna talk every day. and that's okay.

Darlynn Childress [:

And so that's what really self coaching is. It's like finding those thoughts and then noticing your emotion and kind of soothing your emotion, letting it pass, finding new thoughts. Right? It's kind of a journey with yourself. I noticed this with women all the time. is that one woman will be sad or, like, oh, I'm applying for a job and I don't think I'm gonna get it and I'm feeling really upset and, like, I haven't Put a resume together and I'm insecure, and they'll start talking about their feelings. Or I'm almost say, like, I really lost my shit with my kid yesterday, and I'm really mad at my husband, and they'll have a big feeling cycle. And the women around them are so kind. They'll be like, of course, it's okay.

Darlynn Childress [:

You don't need to beat yourself up, or you're gonna get that job. Don't worry about it, or, you know, it doesn't matter. Like, let's just practice anyway. Like, we tell each other such beautiful stories as women to women. I love it. We don't try to solve the problems. We just are kind. We don't say, oh, you know what you need to do to get your resume, you know, to some of us give advice, but a lot of times we're just sweet.

Darlynn Childress [:

Right? And that is what you can learn to do with yourself is just be sweet with yourself. That's what I think of as the process of self coach Right? So then I I'm really wrapping my head around this idea about Lincoln. This is my new normal. Right. He's gonna move in and out of our home over the next few years as he makes his way towards independence. And he's gonna be away at school and then home for a break and then away at school and then home for a break again. And that is how he's gonna slip in and out of my world moving forward. And I thought that I would feel sad about this.

Darlynn Childress [:

But I realized that I'm not sad, actually, that This is what I've been preparing for all along. That this was the goal. This is all of our goals as parents is the idea that we wanna give give our kids, like equip our kids with the tools that they need to become adults. It's The long goodbye, as I talked about, when Lincoln was graduated from high school and or when he turned 18, like, these are the the milestones that mark time and mark progress towards an end goal, which is that our children don't need us. Like, I want my kids to want to be in a relationship with me. I don't want them to need me. Right? That's what a really healthy relationship is is where I, as 2 adults and 2 adults in a relationship, One adult is able to, you know, manage their own emotions and take care of themselves and set goals and they're independent. And then you have a second adult that's also able to manage their emotions and set goals and move through obstacles and take care of their own responsibilities.

Darlynn Childress [:

And the so you have 2 independent adults. And then together, we are interdependent where we rely on each other but we don't nest we're not codependent. We don't need each other. So I was like, wait a second. I don't need to be sad. Like, This is what I was doing all along. This is what I've been working towards working towards independence and responsibility and emotional health since he was four years old. Since that first step that I took into becoming a calm mama, Becoming a compassionate parent 15 years ago.

Darlynn Childress [:

I've set up Our life towards this end goal of emotional health and a strong relationship. With he and I, -- and with himself and with his siblings and with his social world. I've committed to that to cultivating that and we made it. Like, this is what it was all about. And, like, here we are. We're, on, like, you you call, like, marathon. Right? Parenting is like, oh, it's a really, you know, long years or what do they call it? Long days short years or whatever. And it's like, well, at some point, there's an end goal.

Darlynn Childress [:

It's been a marathon or it's been running, you know, climbing a mountain. And then I crossed the finish line. I made it to the top of the mountain. Like, we can celebrate what we've done. And that feeling of celebration has been really interesting for me. Last week, I think it was last week. Right before he moved, we got the orientation schedule for this week while he's there at orientation at his dorm. And, you know, it's like, you know, with different activities, right, set up on a on a on a calendar.

Darlynn Childress [:

And when I opened up that document, in my phone. I started to cry really hard. I was like like weeping in the car. Sawyer had been driving, which is, you know, a thing. And then he had gone inside the store to get a skateboard or something. So I stayed in the car, and I opened my email, And I read this email, and I was immediately flooded with emotion. And I started crying. And then in typical Life coach, Darlene World.

Darlynn Childress [:

I'm like, woah. What are these tears about? Like, what's happening here? And I recognized Okay. I was like, what is this feeling? And mostly it was relief. I just was like, Oh, okay. There's grown ups in charge. Honestly, I was like, somebody in charge set up the schedule and is gonna tell my kid where to go at what time? Like, I had a sense of relief. Like, okay. He's not just going into the Wild West alone.

Darlynn Childress [:

There's people. There's systems. This is not their first time. launching a, you know, a class of freshmen, like, the he's in good hands. So that made me relax. I'm sure you feel that way. when you have your kids, like, in a good school or you finally found a good daycare or a babysitter or preschool, and you're like, right? Get to exhale. And then there was a secondary feeling that flooded in, and it was proud.

Darlynn Childress [:

Not of him, you guys, but of myself. I was like, I did it. I got this kid to launch into the next phase of his life. And I have felt that when I have figured out an elementary school or a middle school or got my kid to high school or got my kid a high driver's license or what, you know, a bank account or, like, even I get that feeling when I take them to the dentist or shot them braces. Like, there's this these little things in adulthood, I mean, in parenthood where I'm like, look at you, girl. Like, I honestly have a pretty cool ability to be proud of myself without, being super cocky about it. And that sounds cocky. Right? So that's not what I mean.

Darlynn Childress [:

But I do have, like, a pretty good self talk game that I've worked on. A couple weeks ago, I talked about, kind internal self talk when I talked about the inner child. And I've been practicing -- kissed for a long time and kept, right, kind external parent talk. I've been practicing those for a long time, so it comes up. -- parenthetically, it comes up a lot for me when I have, when I make dinner for my family and I haven't Like, I didn't have a dinner plan, and I still end up putting food on the table. I'm always like, damn, girl. He made that happen. Like, you're amazing.

Darlynn Childress [:

So that little feeling of, like, damn girl, I had that feeling when I opened up that email. I was like, Woah. Look at you. You got your kid into college. Like, he's going you know, he's not, like, into college. It's community college, but you know what I mean? Like, we're launching him. He is on his way to adulthood, like, good job. You and also good job for, like, Parenting this way, I just let myself feel really proud.

Darlynn Childress [:

And I found myself this morning feeling proud too. Like, We made it. This is what you've been preparing for all along. You have worked hard, darling, and you mamas who are listening, you are working hard on calming, your own emotional react reactivity, right, learning to process negative and positive emotion so that Like, for me, I don't wanna dump all my junk onto my kids. I didn't wanna take my toxic, patterns and my trauma and all my childhood crap. and just re, you know, redo the whole, parenting trauma wheel. Again, I really wanted to heal myself, and that way I could heal this next generation in my own family. And I was like, yeah.

Darlynn Childress [:

I did that. I worked hard. And I learned how to teach him what to do with his feelings. Like, through the practice of compassion, I have taught him how to process his emotions. He was very aware yesterday what he was feeling and where he was at, and he was like, You know, we we got into a little tiff getting the car ready, and he was really upset. And he, you know, was a little bit rude. And then when we were driving, he's like, hey. I'm sorry.

Darlynn Childress [:

I just got really nervous. And, you know, I just, you know, I'm just nervous about everything. And I was like, that's okay. You know? So he just has that emotional awareness. Right? Both kids do, and it really it's it's a it's a testament of how much work we've put in over the years to help him know what to do with his feelings. Right? And then, of course, having limits and boundaries and letting him make mistakes and not rescuing him even when I want to. And, you know, letting him become independent and take personal responsibility. Right? It's years of years of work that led to this moment, like, this morning when I woke up and my kid woke up at college, Like, this morning, 2 day, I was like, this took a lot of effort.

Darlynn Childress [:

This was a heavy lift. And I know that all that work is why he's gonna be okay. It's it's why I know, you know, like, that I can relax. Now is he gonna struggle? Is he gonna suffer? Is he gonna have hard times? For sure. But does he know how to cope with that? Yes. He does. He knows how to problem solve. He knows to process his negative emotions.

Darlynn Childress [:

He knows how to get help. He knows how to be a self advocate. These are the tools and skills. Is he a perfect student? No. Does he a perfect hygiene? No. Does he always keep his room clean? No. Does he drive too fast sometimes? Yes. Like, He's not perfect.

Darlynn Childress [:

No one is perfect, but what we wanna do is help our kids, have the skills that they need in order to move through big feelings. And that I can trust that I've done my job when it comes to parenting him. So here are my big my 2 big takeaways from taking my kid to college. The first is that Learning to process emotion, especially negative ones, is probably the single most valuable gift I've given myself over the past 19 years of motherhood. Being able to feel all my feelings has allowed me to be truly present for the experience of parenting and raising my boys. Like, I was here for all of it. The good the bad and the ugly. And I'm so grateful for my own willingness to get help when I needed when when I needed support to hire people, like parenting coaches, to hire therapists, to hire support people in my life in order and to, like, have an amazing group of friends.

Darlynn Childress [:

In order to, you know, learn how to feel my feelings, how to reach out and and process that negative motion, I've read hundreds of books and, like, you know, done so much self help and self development. And I'm grateful. Right? Like, Doing that work meant that I could be present in this day, and that I'm really That's a takeaway. Like, it's worth it. The second is that it's worth -- gentle parenting as they call it now. Like, that's a new phrase, but that idea of, you know, parenting with compassion and that that is hard work, but it is also worth it. Because when you do the personal development work and You combine that with compassionate parenting. The result is a kid who feels very connected to you and has a lot of emotional health for themselves.

Darlynn Childress [:

Especially if you combine that with limits and restorative consequences, if you let your kids make mistakes, if you have firm boundaries. So not being permissive, but having boundaries, you are teaching those 2 top the 2 prongs of of emotional well-being is that emotional health being able to process your negative emotion and being personally responsible. So doing both, it's not easy, but it's worth it. A long time ago, I chose that my 3 parenting goals would be my kid's emotional health. That would number 1. Number 2 was my relationship with my kids. And number 3 was my own mental and emotional well-being. And those were my goals.

Darlynn Childress [:

Not straight a's, not good students, not obedience. None of those. Not like star athletes. Right? not the most attractive kid, not the, you know, famous chess player. I just wanted my kids to know not even be happy. I wanted them to be emotionally healthy. I wanted us to have a good relationship, and I wanted to grow as a person. And that is where I realized today, on launch day, For my oldest, I can on honestly say that I've achieved what I set out to do.

Darlynn Childress [:

And I'm letting myself be proud. I was talking with my coach, Kristen, this morning, and she was challenging me to just allow myself to feel proud. And she was saying this kind of a new concept in parenting instead of focusing on what we don't want to do to our kids, focus on how we wanna feel at the end. Like, Do we wanna be proud of how we showed up? Do we wanna feel proud of how we were as parents? And it's like, yeah. But you can feel that way now. That's the cool thing is, like, if you take one deep breath and you walk away and you don't yell at your kid one time, be proud. You have the right to feel proud of yourself. And that's where I'm really letting myself just be like, yeah.

Darlynn Childress [:

No. Kick ass. We're good. This is great. And if it's not, I will also process my negative emotion. Maybe in an hour, I will feel very, very sad. Right? I don't know yet, but processing my feelings is so valuable and being proud of myself is also so valuable. So this is my challenge to you today is I want you to ask yourself, am I letting myself.

Darlynn Childress [:

Feel the feelings as they come up. Am I allowing myself to feel fully sad or mad or scared? And if you're not, maybe you need to learn to trust yourself. You can ask yourself, do I trust myself? that I won't just fall apart and become a hot mess if I allow myself to feel this anger. What I've noticed is that when I don't feel my feelings. They show up in another way. It's like whack a mole. If I try to pop one down, It's gonna pop up in another relationship or another part of my life or in my body somewhere. So asking yourself, am I Learning, am I am I allowing my feelings to pass? Am I allowing myself to feel fully? That's what being human is all about.

Darlynn Childress [:

And if you're struggling with that, reach out. Connect with me. Join one of my emotionally healthy classes. This is one of the main things I teach. because in parenting, we have a lot of feelings, and we don't wanna dump them on our kids. So learning how to process them is a big part of being a life coach, and supporting you as a parent who's gonna become your kid's emotional coach. Right? That's my what you wanna be for them. You have to be able to process your negative emotion first before you teach your kids how.

Darlynn Childress [:

So ask yourself, am I letting myself feel my feelings? And then the second challenge I have for you or question I have for you is like, are you letting yourself feel proud of your hard work as a parent? Do you ever quiet that inner critic? Do you practice kind internal self talk? do you practice kissed? At least sometimes, do you tell yourself good job, mama? literally every time I cut up fruit and I put it in a bowl and I hand it to my children, I think good job, mama. So there's just, like, bedtime, a walkout, close that door. I'd be like, yeah, good job, mama. Are you letting yourself feel good job, mama? Are you? This is what I want you to know is that you have permission. You will be the mom that wanna be when you let yourself feel your feelings. You will show up more like the mom you wanna be when you allow yourself to be proud and speak kindly to yourself. Those two things have been my main tools to get me to where I am right now. And that's why I wanna offer that to you today.

Darlynn Childress [:

And Yeah. Just celebrate with me if you're at all. you know, if you're a regular listener to the podcast, you know, we've had link on the podcast. He and I have a very interesting relationship. He's a really great kid, and he's just really lovely. I'm gonna miss him to pieces. but I'm just delighted right now. So celebrate with us as a family, and I will be celebrating with you at any ways any anyways that you're launching kids, launching them to kindergarten, launching them to middle school, launching them to high school, All of these are big transitions.

Darlynn Childress [:

And that is it's just important for me to know that you get to be proud of yourself and you get to feel whatever feeling comes up. Alright, mamas. Thanks for listening, and I will talk to you next week. Have a great week.

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