In this deeply healing episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction, Tammy sits down with Lori Montre, trauma-informed coach, former corporate lawyer, and author of You’re Not the Problem, for a powerful conversation about childhood trauma, nervous system regulation, emotional eating, people-pleasing, hypervigilance, and healing the patterns that keep us stuck.

Lori shares her personal story of surviving childhood sexual abuse, growing up feeling like a burden, and turning to food as emotional comfort and protection. Together, Tammy and Lori unpack how trauma — whether “big T” or “little t” — shapes the way we see ourselves, the world, and relationships. They discuss why understanding your patterns logically is not enough, and why healing must start in the body before lasting change can happen.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why nervous system regulation must come before mindset work

• How childhood dysfunction creates survival patterns like people-pleasing, anxiety, overthinking, and emotional eating

• Why trauma changes the stories we tell ourselves about worthiness and safety

• How to stop scanning for danger and begin rewiring your brain for safety

• The difference between calming your nervous system and actually processing stored stress and emotions

• Practical body-based tools to reconnect with yourself and feel safer in your body

• Why healing isn’t about “fixing yourself” — because you were never the problem to begin with.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why do I still struggle even though I know better?” this episode will help you understand the deeper roots of your patterns and remind you that healing is possible.

You are not broken. You adapted to survive. And what was learned can be unlearned.

Connect with Lori

Website: www.LoriMontry.com

Youtube: Lori Montry -Somatic Healing Practitioner - YouTube

www.facebook.com/LoriMontry

https://www.lorimontry.com/book-intro

Hey there, I’m so glad you’re here and tuning in! If this episode spoke to your heart, just know there’s even more support waiting for you.

Book Your Free Clarity and Calm Call: No Judgement, just a chat https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/clarity-and-calm-call

If you are curious about where you stand energetically, or just need a frequency boost, book your FREE biofrequency voice scan here: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/complimentary-scan-demo if you want to take part in an amazing club, where you can get unlimited scans and free coaching every month, sign up here: $25 ($250 Value) Join For One Month Here https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/JQz3QDrr/checkout

If you would like to ask a question, and hear the answer in a future episode, please leave your question here: https://www.speakpipe.com/Tammyvincentcoaching

Trials To Triumph: An Adult Child's Emotional Freedom Blueprint: Use code THRIVE25 for 75% off today. https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

🔑 Start Your Healing Journey

Find ALL THE THINGS HERE: Anything that I have to offer is right here

✈️ Bonus for Travel Lovers!

Did you know I also offer access to an amazing travel savings program that can help you save up to 70% on hotels, resorts, cruises, and more? Let’s compare your next upcoming itinerary and see how much you could save.

👉 Try the Trip Check: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/trip-check

📺 Subscribe to My YouTube Channel

👉 Adult Child of Dysfunction on YouTube

🌟 Book Me to Speak at Your Event

👉 Let’s connect: https://calendly.com/tammyvincent/speakers-event-chat

🫶 Let’s Connect

📩 Email: tammy@tammyvincent.com

📱 Text: 513-280-3555

🌟 If this episode helped you, please share it with a friend, leave a review, and hit follow. Every share helps break generational cycles and brings healing into more lives.

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction.

Today we have with us Lori Montre.

And I am just going to let her jump right in, introduce herself, and I just want to say welcome, Lori.

Thank you, Tammy.

I appreciate being here.

I recently got to know your podcast a little bit and what a beautiful place you've created here in the world for.

For all of us to come and remember that, you know, our past doesn't have to define who we are in our future.

So as far as, you know, who am I and what do I do?

You know, I was somebody who really struggled with my sense of.

Of being worthy and capable in the world.

And I struggled most especially with my relationship with food for about 35 years.

Emotional eating, binge eating, over exercising, pretty much anything that can be done with food, I. I was on that pathway.

And when I finally started to realize what was actually behind my patterns with food and all of my other patterns, the root of those challenges, when I finally started to understand that and started to put together what I needed to heal, I thought to myself, I've got to do this in my life.

That's when I decided to leave my practice as a corporate lawyer and go into this work full time, training myself, getting educated, and really understanding our patterns and why we do what we do.

And it has led me to, not only to the work that I do, but I've just completed my first solo book project, which is called you're not the Problem.

And it really dives into understanding and explaining our behaviors, you know, these behaviors that we think, like, why do I do that?

Why can't I get my shit together?

Why?

Whatever it is, you know, there's a reason for it.

And it stems back to the adaptations that we made in response to our childhood experiences.

And when we look at it from that lens, we can become curious about it, and then we can give ourselves the conditions we need to adapt again rather than staying stuck in adaptations that no longer serve us.

And I love that you talk about just the fact that you think, that you think logically, we know.

And even if we go through therapy, you can go to therapy for 10 years, and logically, you know, they'll say, well, this is why you do this and this is why you do this.

But it's.

It's not enough.

It's not enough being aware of why you need to dig down and pull it out of that root.

And, you know, it's like pulling a weed out at the root.

You got to get all the way down there to all of that subconscious stuff, and I'm assure that's what you're, you know, with the beliefs and the patterns.

I know I shouldn't be like this, and I know why I am like this, but I still do it.

I still.

People, please.

I still cringe when I, when I want to do something and can't do it.

And talk a little bit about that.

Like what?

Well, let's first go back.

I'm gonna go back a little bit because they don't really know your story.

You, you had the problems with the eating.

So did that stem from trauma as a child?

Like, was that your comfort food?

Like, was food your comfort?

Was that your escape?

Or how did that start?

Yeah, so I was the sixth out of seven children.

So when I arrived on the scene, my, There was plenty going on.

My mom was doing her best, but she was very overwhelmed, come from a traumatic background herself.

And really I, I really had the sense from, from my earliest, earliest time that I was a burden in, in my home, I was another mouth to feed.

And, and it was clear, you know, that, that I stretched my caregivers very thin.

And then around age four, I was sexually abused for a time, for about six months as a four year old.

And I had nowhere to turn.

And, you know, I couldn't turn to, to my mother.

She, she already, you know, I was afraid of her reaction.

My abuser told me it was my fault.

If I told anyone, I would get in trouble.

And so I just locked that away.

I didn't know what to do with it.

I got very, very skilled at disassociation and just, you know, going into freeze and not really being there.

And I needed something though, right?

Right.

I needed comfort, I needed soothing.

I needed something to quiet the noise inside my body.

And that's when I started turning to food.

I mean, it was available, it worked, and it really, it made a lot of sense.

And so from about the age of four or five, I started using food.

And it had nothing to do with hunger or physical need.

It was truly my emotional support, something I could turn to without having to ask, without feeling bad.

But the thing about trauma and about experiences is that it's, yes, about the, the events themselves to some degree, but more so what gets built on them.

Right.

Because those, those experiences changed the way I saw myself, changed the way I saw the world, changed the way I saw other people.

And so I built an entire life based on that framework.

And it was, you know, a life based on adaptations.

It wasn't who I was or what I needed.

Or, or, you know what?

I.

What tired.

It was entirely based on the experiences that I, That I had as a.

As a young one.

Yeah.

It was literally adapting in order to survive.

Yeah.

And, and, and it's amazing for the people listening.

You've probably heard us talk about it before on this podcast up until about the age of seven, you're basically in this completely moldable, semi hypnotic, like, there's not a lot of processing.

Like, the fact that you can look back now and go, When I was 4, I didn't have anybody to turn to at 4.

You didn't process that.

You didn't.

You just, you reached out for mommy, I'm sure.

But then you got that get away, I can't be bothered kind of attitude.

And, and it's amazing how quickly, like, you were talking about, like, like what happened to you at four is a huge, huge thing.

And if you cannot get that and deal with that and process that, I mean, that carried with you until how old?

Yeah, I mean, man, I kind of use my.

Right around turning 40 as my time when I could, could be in life and think, okay, I'm doing pretty well.

I think I've.

I really have a handle on, you know, the understanding and, and have the tools that I need.

But, you know, so 35 years of intense struggle with myself and believing that I was the problem.

Absolutely.

And just not worthiness.

And I say that for everybody listening to this podcast, that is the underlying belief at the root of everything.

It's that you're just not good enough or you're not enough or you're not worthy.

You said worthiness.

You use some of these words a lot, and those are words that people, that.

That's what gets built into their belief system.

And it's.

That's what we do that as you and me, we bring that out, and that's what we need to change.

Because it's so sad how it gets put there.

And even if no one ever says the words, that's what's so crazy is you're just this little, like I said, this pliable sponge, and you're absorbing it.

And even a look, a look from someone that, you know, makes you think you did something wrong.

It's like every single thing, all you're doing is absorbing at that age.

And then it's like, okay, now what do I do with this?

So you talked about, at about 40, you were like, okay, now I have the tools.

What are some of those tools that you acquired or got or used?

Yeah, I mean, there so the tools is, is basically my current modern day freedom formula.

And so I've broken that down into three phases.

And these are the tools in the first phase is the nervous system and the patterns and understanding the patterns.

You know, because all of us, whether we've had those incredibly traumatic experiences or not, all of us have adapted, right?

So you and I adapted.

We had experiences that, where people on the outside might look in and say, oh yeah, that's, that's a big T trauma.

But all of us, no matter who we are, adapted to our environment.

It's just something that we do as humans.

And so, you know, that could be for one person it might be circumstances like mine or like yours.

And for someone else it might be the feeling, you know, I didn't get invited to the birthday party and I always felt like I was an outsider to the cool kids.

Minimize any of the experiences.

But the adaptations, you know, they, they form anyway for the reasons why you said, you know, up until certainly the age of seven and we think it might even be longer, we are just showing up in the world trying to figure things out, right.

And, and, and what you said about, you know, we get the look or we get, you know, the, the response, but then something more powerful happens.

Because now, once that's put into place, now I go out into the world and I have other interactions and I'm assuming that those people are having the same interaction with me that I, because now my brain is trained to see the world in this way.

So I may, you know, run across someone who's having a bad day and they have a look on their face and that look becomes about me now.

And I live in a different world because I had those experiences.

You know, someone with a different type of experience might look at someone with that, that look on their face and say, oh, they must be having a bad day.

Hi, how are you?

You know, and whereas I'm looking at them and think, oh my gosh, they hate me.

They see how awful I am.

Right?

It's a story.

And that's why I said earlier, it's, it's, yes, what happened to you?

But it's more the story that gets built on top of those experiences that become so damaging because then they go on your whole life and create, you know, just injury after injury, pain after pain.

So they are not limited at all to the, the time frame in which they occur.

Yeah, not at all.

And I talk about that with one of my clients and we laugh so hard because she was one of those that would walk Into a room.

And if someone look at her cross eyed, she's like, what did I do wrong?

Oh my go.

I stink at this.

Oh my gosh, I'm doing something.

And immediately went into this thing.

And I was like, you know, if someone raises an eyebrow, just from now on, every time you see someone raise an eyebrow in your direction, assume that they have a really annoying itch on their eyebrow.

And so like when you see someone's eyes go up, like, and after she said, after a couple months of doing that, she literally would like touch her own eye just to see if something was there.

But it no longer had that, that attachment to stress.

And, you know, she had to really re.

And that was just rewiring and it was just telling a different story and over and over and over again.

But you're so right about, I talk about it all the time about scanning for the negative.

When you grew up and you were always on that edge and that fight and flight and you were always waiting for that next thing to happen, you learned to scan for bad.

You didn't learn.

So immediately you saw something and you assume, assumed it was bad.

If someone was walking at you, it was because they were going to confront you, not that they wanted to hug you.

Right.

You really, it takes a long time too.

So you didn't finish, you started talking.

I mean, I cut you off a little bit or we got on a tangent.

Whatever you want to.

Yeah, we got excited about something.

We got a lot to cover here and I know you have some really good information.

So you talk about the nervous system and the patterns goes in that step one, in that first phase.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Because, you know, our, our adaptations essentially, they have so many of us living in survival mode right.

Where our nervous system is highly activated.

We're hypervigilant.

We are, you know, scanning for danger.

We're, we're all the things.

And as a, as a first step, we need to understand our nervous system.

We need to reprogram right at that foundational level.

Because if our nervous system is not healthy and well regulated, it doesn't matter how much mindset work we attempt to do or whatever else we try to stack on top of it.

I think of our nervous system and the regulation there as like our strong, sturdy basement.

It's like the foundation of our house that we want to build in the house being our life.

And if we go and we start trying to construct second floor balconies and we have no foundation, it crumbles over and over.

And then we use that as evidence against ourselves that we can't change, that we can't accomplish.

And in reality, what's happening is we just don't have that strong foundation that we need.

So the, the first phase, which is the first book here, you're not the problem, is all about the three things that the nervous system needs to come back to health and regulation.

And those three things are safety, capacity, and energy.

And when you have those things, you have the power to then start to look at, which is second phase you get and start to look at your thought patterns and your, your belief systems, your operating system.

But before that, you know, that's why we say a lot of times people will arrive in, in my sphere and say, you know, I've been in therapy for 15 years and nothing has really changed.

As you said, I understand things.

Right?

But nothing's really changed for me.

And I think a lot of the, the time what has happened is that they don't have the nervous system regulation to be able to change the patterns.

Right.

And I think that's.

I just wanted to name earlier what a painful place to be in.

It's almost worse to know why you understand your behaviors and not be able to.

To change them.

Because once we understand them, we feel like we should be able to at that point, you know, so it's almost worse, you know, to, to understand it and not have the, the skills and the tools to do any different.

It is.

And I tell people, you can trick your mind like you can say all the mantras in the world, but when the rubber hits the road and you have to act, you're not acting.

Everything comes from your body to your brain, not the other way around.

So, yes, you know, regulate first, then heal like you cannot.

You can't.

First of all, you can't do any healing when you're not regulated.

Absolutely.

Because you're not even working from the right part of your brain.

Yes.

You don't have access.

So in your example with your client, who, you know, was, was trying to develop that new pattern, there was a couple things going on.

Right.

Which is so genius that you gave her another story.

Because one of the things that happens for us is our brain doesn't have any other way to go.

There's.

It's the only show in town is that these people are reacting to me in a, in a negative way.

So you gave her another story that wasn't there.

There was no path.

She had no choice in those moments.

Right.

And that's what happens to us when we become adapted in that way.

So you gave her another choice, but she must have been working with you on her regulation, because otherwise there wouldn't.

That other path wouldn't have taken form.

It would have been rejected.

Yeah.

So it's.

You know, we need the.

We need the foundation first, and then we can go into.

What are those alternative neural pathways that I can build now that I'm using my executive functioning, my prefrontal cortex, as opposed to my.

My limbic brain.

And that's what we do.

We reconnect with the part of us that can heal and change as a.

As a necessary foundational step.

And then the third part is the easy and the fun part, which is own it.

You've done the work now build the life.

Now let's, you know, start brainstorming, start dreaming, and.

And t. We can start then taking the steps because you have the capacity, the energy, the right mindset to take those steps.

Most of us as humans.

Right.

We want to start at that third phase.

Right away.

We're just.

Oh, yeah, I want to get.

I want to change right now.

I want everything to be different today without taking the time to do the first two foundational pieces.

And that's frustrating, and I get that, and I was certainly there forever myself.

But taking the time to build it is.

It really is the fastest way.

Yeah, it really is.

And that's the good thing.

The good thing about having therapists and coaches and whoever you have that has already tried all these tools and has already started accumulating this toolbox of tools, because it doesn't have to take 30 years.

I mean, it takes time.

Don't get me wrong.

And I truly believe that God unravels another layer of that onion as you're ready to deal with it.

So it's a lifelong process, but there's no A to Z.

There's no, do these 26 steps, and you're gonna be good.

Yes.

I love that you're saying that.

Yeah.

It's just not a thing.

Yeah.

And then that's, you know, and that's kind of that.

That thing that we like to do as humans where we're, like, looking for something outside of us to save us.

Right.

Just give me the thing to do, and I'll do it.

And.

And.

But the thing is, you have to tap into your own wisdom and your own, you know, understandings.

It's.

It's not something that someone can give you.

No, they can.

They can give you the tools, but they cannot.

They cannot get in your soul.

I've gotten a lot more into, like, the energy work part of it.

And I do a biofrequency scan.

I don't know if you've ever heard of them.

Like a bioresonance scan with the voice that literally comes up with it.

It does about 171,000 different frequencies.

But what it does over time for people is it establishes patterns.

So I love that you talked about patterns because, you know, it's the same thing when people come to me and they say, tammy, I need tea tree oil for my hair because it's falling out.

Well, let's figure out why your hair is falling out.

Because hair just doesn't fall out unless there's a reason.

And nine out of ten of the things that I deal with go back to the chronic stress.

So it's.

It's like when people have, you know, physiological symptoms.

Let's find the pattern that got you there and let's.

It's.

Life is about patterns.

Yes, precisely.

Yeah.

Whatever it is.

Right.

We can find.

Yeah.

The pattern and the root.

And that's really what this work is about, is about finding the root so that, as you said, like with the weed, you know, and having to go out there every four days, right.

And pull.

Pull those leaves.

If you just take the time to pull them out, you know, from the root, then you're done.

And that's the nice thing about doing the work correctly or, you know, in the most effective way, I should say, because you're not on that roller coaster where you're like, oh, it was good for six months, and then I fell off.

And then, you know.

But when you take the time to do it right, there is no back and forth for it.

It's.

It's forward.

You might.

You might have, you know, some dips in the road, whatever, but it's.

It's not where you feel like you're.

You're losing it all again and.

Right.

Yeah.

And starting over from zero.

Right.

Because you start to make new.

Like you said, you start to make new patterns.

So now certain things that used to be a trigger are now can just integrate right into a deep breath, move on.

You know, it's.

So talk about some of the.

What I know you have the.

The freedom formula, and it started with the nervous system and everything.

But what are some.

I mean, share with the audience what are some of the things that you tried and used was as far as, like, modalities or what different things that you did personally?

Yeah, so I did try a lot.

And.

And I think that when we have that discussion, like, you know, what did you try?

We have people out there telling us how wonderful tapping is, how wonderful somatic experiencing is, how wonderful breath work, how wonderful meditation.

So much, all the things.

Right.

And it drove.

I lost my mind because I was reading, you know, or taking courses or doing something where I was trying to implement, you know, about 25 things all at the same time.

Right.

And, and it's so confusing because you're like, well, if I attach myself to this, then what about that?

You know, we're bouncing around a lot.

And I think at the end of the day, you know, it's really about understanding our own systems, being willing to try something, try it in a way that is, that is reasonable.

Not try something once and be like, yep, nope, that didn't work for me.

Right, right.

About getting to know your system instead of saying, okay, I'm going to use this tool.

It's going to change me.

Understanding, wow.

The.

As a first step, you know, what is going on in my body when I tune in.

It's surprising how many of us just live from, from the neck up and we don't even know we have a body.

And that was me.

I did not want to be in my body.

That's where all the pain, that's where all the scariness lived.

I didn't want to be there at all.

But I didn't know I wasn't in my body because since it started so early, I just, that's who I was and what was normal for me.

So one of the things that, that I finally learned after many years of, of just turning to tool after tool was that I had to be willing to be inside and be embodied and, and be aware of what was happening in my body.

And that was really just such a foundational stuff.

We can't skip that.

That has to happen.

That's where safety lives, so.

Exactly.

I mean, you just said it.

That's where safety lives.

And until you feel safe in your body.

And I love that and I love the.

Like you said, just be aware.

And I've had people say to me, I wake up 3am in the morning and I can't get back to sleep.

And it's like I say, well, what do you, what do you try?

Well, I tried telling myself I'm safe and I try doing this and I try doing that, and I try doing this and I'm like, get out of your head and into your body.

First thing you know, get out of your head and into your body.

Because the more you try to convince yourself what you're supposed to be doing.

You get, now you're getting angry at yourself for not doing it.

So I'm just like, just try, try starting at your toes and, and squinching your muscles and then relaxing them and just, just go all the way up your body.

How'd you feel?

Oh my gosh, I felt great.

Because it was getting out of your mind and into your body and that is critical to the whole process.

And that's why, you know, and there's, there's challenges with that.

Right.

And, and there's so many different ways to help you do that.

But I never start with the ways.

I start with the understanding that we have to open up to and, and notice what's there.

Because rather than, than, than be prescriptive with a tool, I want your body to tell you what tool it wants to use and, and for you to have a big tool belt of things, you know.

Oh, I really like this.

And I do use a lot of somatic experiencing practices.

You know, when I'm, when I'm angry, I like this tool.

When I won't, you know, I'm feeling this, it.

How.

You know, we often think of our, our body based tools as I use this to calm me down.

Well, that's might be nice sometimes, you know, but we don't ever approach, I don't anyway approach a tool or, or my body.

Like if my body's having an experience of being super stressed, I'm actually not going to go and do some breathing exercises that help calm me down.

I'm going to do something that helps me process and metabolize that energy.

Because when I tell my stop being stressed, stop being anxious, you know, my body's like, hello, there's actual danger here.

Like there's a reason why I'm feeling this way.

So don't tell me, just calm down, you know.

Right.

No, yeah.

So that's the worst thing you can do.

Exactly.

And it's funny because they think that they're failing because they're not doing their meditation.

I had a conversation yesterday.

Oh, I'm really stressed out.

I'm having all these, you know, and, and of course I'm not doing my breathing in my meditation.

So I really need to get back to that.

And oh, you know, in this judgment around not doing, I said no, your body doesn't want breathing and meditation.

It wants to use this energy.

Right.

You were pumping with it with the cortisol and the adrenaline and then we're like just be nice, just you know, turn that off.

I'm actually in the middle of like a 30 day nervous system reset thing I'm doing on Instagram, just because I hate being live on Instagram.

So I thought, well, I better do it.

So just to get on live, you know, just to practice.

But it's, it's so different how everyone is like some is, you know, breathe in and slow down.

This morning was shake it out.

Like literally, like just shake it out.

You know, we talked about an animal instinct.

Sometimes it's like I tell people, though, you know, like you said, you just have to be.

It's inside.

So sometimes if you just put one hand on your heart and put one hand on your belly and say, what do I need right now?

That's when you know you've hit the jackpot, because then you have someone, right?

And in my mind, that is the highest form of attunement, right?

I have somebody right here beside me, 100 of the time, 100 devoted to me, that wants nothing more than to understand what I need and provide it, you know, so when we can tune into the body and the body's like, shake, and you're like, I'm on it, you know, and you, and you respond to that lovingly.

That's the goal.

The goal is not to calm the body.

The goal is not to, you know, achieve some certain state.

The goal is to hear and respond.

And when you do that, you bring safety.

So, yeah, so as far as, you know, what were some of the tools?

I tried them all and now I use many, many different tools, but in response to my system, as opposed to, you know, giving it and making it prescriptive, telling the system, this is what, this is what we're doing and this is how you're supposed to feel.

No, the system leads and tells you what it is that it, that it needs.

And when you respond, you build that safety and that trust and, and then, you know, you, you do hear your, your inner compass and, and your wisdom, right?

And of course, it doesn't hurt to have, you know, people will Google, I'm having an anxiety attack.

What do I do?

It doesn't hurt to have some of these tools in your tool belt just as options, but you still have to see what works for you.

The biggest one I use is a panic attack, because I remember when I used to have panic attacks, someone telling me to take a deep breath.

That was the worst thing I could have done because I thought I was choking anyway.

So if I can't breathe and I feel like I'm dying, why would I hold my.

Frustrates me is because people will try it, they won't have a good result.

They'll think, this doesn't work.

Right.

So now they've.

They've now do not have that as a possible modality, which could be very helpful in the right situation.

In the right situation.

Right.

Or they think I'm the problem.

Right.

I. I'm so broken that these tools that are out there for everyone else to use and that seem to work for the rest of the world don't work for me.

Yep.

Yeah.

So I have.

I want you to give your perspective on this, because I do get a lot of questions about this with people.

Then a lot of my podcasts are geared towards people that I work with, because sometimes it's like I feel like when I talk to them and then they hear from someone else, they're like, oh, that's what you were trying to say.

I'm like, but anyway, when you get to that point where you're feeling it in your body, your natural instinct is to do what?

To do, run away from it, that feeling.

What is your suggestion for that?

Yeah, so this is.

This is such a great question, because it's going to happen, and it's going to happen in, you know, to some degree.

I mean, have people in myself, too.

I didn't even know that I was running away from it.

But, you know, what I would do is I would sit down and I would try some tools and.

And I might do something for a minute or two and be like, oh, I think the dishwasher's done.

Did I.

Did I put the clothes in the.

In the dryer?

So then you ran away.

And then I just left.

But I didn't have the conscious awareness that I was keeping it.

But, man, when I realized that I was doing that and said, no, we're gonna stay here, that's when it got really hard.

And I was like, wow, look at what I was doing, you know, that whole time.

But, you know, it's a paradox.

And so I can see why people get really confused when we talk about this issue, because it is.

It feels like a little bit of a.

A maze here, because you need.

What do you need to.

To be back in your body and to be able to feel what's going on in your body.

What do you need?

Safety.

But you.

You're.

You're looking to build safety.

You have no safety because you're not in your body, but you need safety to feel your body.

So you're like, yeah, so it.

It makes sense that this is so confusing.

And so the way I think about it and the, in the analogy that I give in the book, because this is a challenge that I, that I name because it, it's going to happen.

All of your feelings, everything that's been trapped in your body as a result of your experiences so far.

The way I think of it is like a dark alley when everything that you have experienced and all of those emotions are in your body.

And in order to cross over and cross through that dark alley and there is no other way around it, right, you have to go through that dark alley if you want to get to safety, which is on the other side of that alley.

But you've been mugged down that alley, you've been beaten down that alley, right?

You have no desire to go down there.

So the last thing we want to do is push ourselves down there and say, you're going down that dark alley.

We have to get over.

If we want safety, we have to get over to the other side, right?

That doesn't build any, any kind of safety or resilience.

It actually can re.

Traumatize and make things worse.

So this time before we go down the alley, we're going to resource ourselves, you know, and that looks like going down the alley.

But this time we have a 375 pound bodyguard with us named Thor.

We have a lantern, we have pepper spray.

We have, you know, everything we need.

We have a wise guide that can tell us, you know, how, how to navigate.

So now when we go down, it does, it feels, it's still a little, you know, little bit scary.

But because we have resourcing, we can do it.

We have enough safety to go and, and, and to explore what's in the body.

But so we have to build that first.

And again, that's something that, you know, might take a little bit of time.

We might need to start depending on the individual system, we might need to start, start by just noticing nice things or noticing the, the, your big toe for a bit, right.

And start to get familiar with and open to the idea of exploring the body in that way before we go into any of the other, you know, more challenging, intense feelings.

So there's all these ways that we resource ourselves both externally and internally so that we can.

But we do it with intention and we know our window of tolerance.

So we're not stepping past that on a regular basis.

We know how to come back to regulation and say, okay, another day.

Right.

And the approach is what allows us to become embodied without overwhelming us so much that we shut it down.

And I'm sure you've seen so many times people have tried bravely to overcome, you know, their trauma and to, to get inside the body, etc, and they've done it in ways that, where they didn't have the resourcing and then, you know, then it gets longer.

It's like, okay, I'm not trying that again.

And it becomes exactly five years, you know, now it's been 10 years since I tried.

Because it, it, we can really set ourselves back.

Yep, absolutely.

And that's why.

Yeah.

I caution people, it's baby steps.

Everything in healing is baby steps.

Because just like you, I mean the things that happened to you when you were a child, even the little things, everything seemed big.

And when you're dealing with trauma and when you're dealing with reaction, you're back in that childlike moment.

So everything seems, I mean, things that like people flip out on and they're like, oh my God now looking at that, that was so dumb.

And I'm like, but you were back there when it, when you had that reactions.

So it was still really big.

So yes, the outsider might have been like, what was that about?

But it was big to you and kind of like you started.

And we're going to circle right back to the beginning when you said it doesn't matter.

Big T, little T, middle T. All that trauma, if it changed the way you looked at the world and it changed the way you looked at yourself.

Yeah.

It will be with you until you process it and, and, and deal, you know, with it and make peace with it.

But you know, those.

I, that's why you never compare.

You never compare.

Like, oh, well, I didn't have it as bad as this person.

Right.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter if it changed the way you look at yourself in the world, you deserve to process it.

Yeah, it's important.

Yeah.

So this was super fun.

But tell people how I, I know I could.

We could go on forever.

I would love to, but tell people how they work with you and what you do and how they can get hold of you and reach you.

Yeah.

So the best place is probably the website.

It's lorimontre.com L O R-I M O-N-T-R-Y.com and you can also find me on, on YouTube and on all the social media platforms.

Lori Montreal and you know what I'd love to, to offer your readers is, is a, a little bit more of an understanding of the framework that we talked about and that can be found in the Introduction to the book you're not the problem book coming out next month, April 25th.

So it's an exciting time.

Looking forward to sharing that out in the world.

And so the you're not the problem movement is.

Is something that is very dear and important to me where we just, you know, reach as many people as we can to help them understand that truly they're not the problem.

It's the adaptations.

And we can adapt again.

So there's a designated Facebook group called you're not the problem.

And I would love to have anyone and everyone in that group to.

To just to build that community.

Is that your group?

That's your community?

Yes.

Nice.

Love to have Tammy.

I'd love to have you in there as a beautiful resource.

Just, you know, sometime you plop a post in there to remind us it's just where the conversations can happen around.

Yeah, absolutely.

I will be honored, actually.

So thank you.

And before you go, I want you to leave the listeners with one final piece of advice or words of wisdom, something to take with them to make their day a little brighter.

Yeah.

Gosh.

So many.

So many things and so many things that we.

We touched on.

And I think that when I answer a question like this, I think it really comes back to what we.

What we discovered together here and talked about inner resourcing and being your own resource and.

And taking care of yourself.

And I think that, you know, starting with something as simple as two to three minutes in the morning when you wake up, giving to yourself, you know, doing that practice that we talked about, maybe putting hand on your part.

Hey, body.

What do you need today?

Oh, you want to sway.

Fantastic.

Let's sway for a moment.

Oh, you want to.

You want to do a big old growl or.

Or you want to shake your hand, whatever it is.

Right.

And I love that you're giving, you know, various tools, and I. I give a lot, too, because you want to have something that you can just pull out, but, you know, just taking those few minutes where you consistently show up.

Nervous systems love consistency and reliability.

Right.

So by.

By showing up every day for two or three minutes, things can grow from there.

I think it's a really lovely seed and a great place to start.

Perfect.

I absolutely love that.

And it does make such a big difference.

And your body talks to you every moment, every reaction, every.

It's just talking to you all day long.

And I keep saying, especially going back to the patterns, listen to your body talking before you have to listen to it scream.

Yes, I know.

It's really true.

It is because it's talking to you.

And if you don't listen, eventually you will have to listen to it scream.

And we don't want that for you.

So, again, thank you so much.

Honored that you came on and talked to us.

Love it having you here.

And for everybody else out there listening, you heard it.

I mean, you know, you are just perfect, absolutely perfect, just the way you are here, right here, right now.

And you are way more than enough.

So just know that you deserve it.

She talked about sitting beside, you know, that one person that always has your back.

Treat yourself like your own best friend.

Well, thank you all.

And we.

Yes, we will see you back next week.

Thank you.