By the time many couples get to me, the romance out of their relationship is gone…the sex is scheduled, regimented and goal driven (to make a baby). So in this episode I break down what should happen with our hormones and create a deep feeling of connection, euphoria and pleasure. And how increasing those hormones can actually increase our chances of conceiving. Tune in to learn more.

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Key Takeways

1:31 Importance of intimacy for fertility

5:05 Personal story

8:39 Hormonal cycle during intimacy

14:47 Benefits of regular intimacy

18:50 Stress and fertility

22:27 Addressing intimacy issues

Memorable Quotes

"Women who have more sex tend to have skin that's glowing, feel more confident, connected, purposeful, and less anxious."

"The oxytocin release helps us feel connected, loved, and cared for. It's skin-to-skin contact, but also feeling understood, heard, and acknowledged."

"If you don't have any libido, you should be concerned. You should have hormones telling you it's time to procreate. If you don't, that's a reflection of ovarian, mitochondrial, liver, and gut health.

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Women who have more sex, they tend to have skin that's glowing, they tend to feel more confident, they tend to feel more connected, more purposeful, less anxious. And if I can get you guys to understand how important it is to create that intimacy and stop scheduling the sex, but actually think about how can I create more intimacy with my partner. So I'll give you some examples. Skin to skin contact. Not just waiting until you have sex to have skin to skin contact, but every night, night, just laying on one another to connect and to have that skin to skin contact, any amount of touch will help, but I think skin to skin contact every day. Pregnancy is a natural process. So if it's not happening or if it's not sticking, something is missing. After having a family member go through infertility and experiencing a miscarriage myself, I realized how little support and education women have around infertility. I want to Change that. I'm Dr. Jane Levesque. I'm a naturopathic doctor and a natural fertility expert. Tune in every Tuesday at 9am for insightful case studies, expert interviews, and practical tips on how you can optimize fertility naturally. If you've been struggling with infertility, pregnancy loss, women's health issues, or you just want to be proactive and prepare yourself for the next big chapter in your life, this show is for you. Hey guys, I want to talk to you today about intimacy and why it's important for fertility, why it's important for making babies. So by the time couples get to me, if they've been trying for a couple of years, the intimacy for some couples is really gone because the sex has become so scheduled and so regimented. And when I, you know, do my intake with my couples and I ask them about their libido and their sex drive, they don't even really know how to answer that question because they're just so used to having sex when they get the little smiley face that the peak is there and it's time to go. We're not actually listening to the body. We don't know if we have enough hormones to even initiate the intimacy and to feel like we have a sex drive because let's face it, we are sexual beings. And when of the reasons that you want to reproduce is because you want to pass on your genes. And the thing that we need to do to reproduce is to have sex. And so when I find couples who are not, they don't have any libido, whether it's the male or the female is a huge sign of hormonal imbalances. And sometimes because it becomes so regimented in terms of what we do, we're not getting the most out of the intimate experience, if you will. And I'm going to talk about different ways that we can be intimate because obviously having sex is the quote, unquote, main one, but there's lots of other things that we can do to create intimacy in our relationships. And what I have been listening to. So like many of you, I am a content consumer, and I've noticed there's a lot more podcasts on sex, sex experts coming on, talking about, you know, the psychology behind sex and kind of the trends that we're seeing with sex. And the big trend is that we are, as a population having less sex. There's such thing as sexless relationships now, and there's a lot more of them. There's people who go through life without ever having the need to have sex, or, you know, we're having sex on a very infrequent basis. And there is some concern and some alarm with that and why that's happening. And of course, it's going to be connected to the amount of stress that we're under, the inflammation levels and the lack of hormones that are basically initiating this sex drive. And then there's a loss, also a mental and emotional component, not feeling connected, not knowing how to be vulnerable with someone, or that fear of being vulnerable with someone is much too great to actually go through the process. Either way, this is something that I address with my couples because this is the first thing that we need to do, and we need to make sure that it's healthy in order to have a baby. And there's actually research and studies showing that women who have an orgasm during sex are more likely to conceive because the orgasm and then a release, the oxytocin and the euphoria, not only does it relax the nervous system, but it essentially allows for the. It opens up the cervix more so the sperm can come in a lot easier and survive within the reproductive system. And, you know, the chances of conceiving are much higher. I don't have the percentage. I believe it's something around 20% more likely to conceive when you have an orgasm as opposed to when you don't. So this is really big. And now if you're listening to this and you're like, I don't even really know what an orgasm is, or, you know, one of the things sometimes I just try to pick, like, I know this is a very vulnerable topic, and so I just kind of try to pick a question that I can ask without making the woman feel like I'm attacking her, because that's not what I'm doing. But it's to get to the bottom of, does she truly own her sexuality? And does she know what it's like to connect? Can she express her needs and does her partner know what is happening? Because, you know, let's face it. And I'll share a personal story. It's like, I didn't know what an orgasm was until I met my husband. I just kind of assumed sex was sex, and I didn't really enjoy it. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. And the big part of that was, is because I had no idea how my body worked. And I wasn't actually attracted, like, fully attracted to the people that I was having sex with, you know, in my early 20s, in my late teens. And so when I see this pattern in women now where, whether it's because they're having pain during sex, because they have endometriosis or they have a lot of inflammation, or there is no, like, white cervical fluid production or any vaginal secretion, so it's just dry. And they need to have lubrication. If you need lubrication for sex before the age of 40, that tells me a lot about your hormonal health. And so in order for us women to enjoy sex, not only do we need to make sure that we feel confident in our body, I think when women feel confident, usually that means their estrogen levels are good, and that means they're going to have lots of white cervical fluid production during ovulation, but they're just going to have vaginal secretions when they're aroused that are needed to lubricate and have a pleasurable experience instead of one that's painful. Because as soon as you have pain during sex, you cannot enjoy it. The brain will turn off those signals, and you're not going to be able to go into the oxytocin and the euphoria stage. So I think it's just time for us as women to start speaking up about this and making sure that we have our needs met. Because for men, it's a lot easier to go into the orgasm. It's always guaranteed where for women it's not. And there's a big component for us, psychologically, mentally, emotionally. And then, of course, the physical aspect of. Of the hormones have to be there. You know, the vaginal secretions have to be there in order to lubricate and to make it a pleasurable experience. And so when I meet couples and they're so regimented and they're having sex, but there isn't this intimacy, there isn't this connection. This is a really important piece for us to address. And I know this is a vulnerable and uncomfortable podcast to maybe listen to, or maybe it feels a bit confronting if you are one of those people who you've had some orgasms. But it's not something that happens every time you have sex. And maybe it's because you've never expressed the need to your husband. Maybe it's because you don't actually know what you like and need. And there hasn't been that self exploration. Maybe there's a lot of shame around it, like there's so much or unworthiness, like I'm not worthy of this, or my parents never talk to me about this and this is uncomfortable. My hope is that I break down the reason as to why it's important for us to dig into this as women. And I'll tell you that women who have more sex and more orgasms, they are genuinely age way less, way slower, their skin glows, their nervous system is better, they feel more connected, they feel more empowered. It's generally they're going to be much more healthier. And when it comes to fertility, to me, the way that we create the baby is really important, that it comes from a place of abundance and euphoria and connection and intimacy with your partner, you know, versus anxiety, pain, worry, shame, unworthiness, whatever it is, the underlying feeling behind that. And so let me go into the cycle and what kind of happens, what ideally needs to happen and what can happen in order to get us stuck in this kind of dopamine loop without completing the cycle. So in terms of, like, how the hormones are released, we first get that dopamine, which is the desire, and then prolactin is. The dopamine is released that says, I want something. The prolactin is there to release because it says, I'm going to soothe your brain so you can settle into the enjoyment of it. And then hopefully there is the orgasm, the connection you get the intimacy. And that's the oxytocin release, which is, now I'm going to feel connected and loved and cared for. And that's going to lead to the euphoria, the flood of all these endorphins and good feelings where the brain just, you know, lights up and the nervous system can relax. So that's the ideal situation. And really the way that it works is you have this dopamine release. And so the desire is there and the arousal and the prolactin is going to start to increase throughout this process. And then ideally you have this connection of touch and maybe the intimacy is you do something on your own versus you're connecting with your partner, there is an orgasm. And that's what releases all of these fantastic. This oxytocin, this fantastic hormone that we all also release during breastfeeding, that we also release when we have skin to skin contact with our baby. We release that when we have any kind of skin to skin contact. It's just very, very high. Obviously when we're breastfeeding and when it's our baby, because we feel such a huge connection. The truth is, I think that should be happening with our partner as well. And so as this prolactin is increasing in the background and then we have the beautiful connection with the oxytocin, this is then when we get the opioid release with serotonin and the endocannabinoids and feeling of pleasure and satiety and sedation following an orgasm. This is true for both male and female. And this is our best case scenario. So for the most part, when we have more sex and then there's more prolactin and then there's more oxytocin and then we have continued to produce more prolactin. The more it continues, the more euphoria you have in the good feelings that we have. Of course, that's the best case scenario. So we should be having sex on a regular basis. Some couples are going to be a little bit different in terms of there's couples who can be intimate every day of the week, where there's others that only can be intimate a couple times a week, where I'll say for the male perspective, it can be a little bit depleting just because you're making. They need to make new spurts. And so every couple is different. You should be intimate within the week, not just when you're ovulating. And obviously most couples take a break when the woman has her menstrual cycle. But it's. The point is you should be intimate a couple of times a week. And research shows that it's anywhere between three to five orgasms a week. And even daily orgasms can be really beneficial for our health for both males and females. So for the most part, the more intimacy that we can create in our life, the better. And we want to make sure that we're completing the sloop of prolactin and oxytocin. And so that's why the connection to someone and feeling connected to someone is really important instead of getting stuck in the dopamine loop. And so we can get stuck in the dopamine loop, which is essentially, there is the dopamine and then we increase the prolactin. But then there is no touch and there is no intimacy and we just go back to dopamine. And so that has more of a sedating property and more of a feeling of apathy. And then that desire comes in again and the prolactin kicks in. But there is no intimacy, right? There's no touch, there's no feeling of connection. And then it goes back to dopamine. And so you're stuck in this dopamine loop where this is where the addictive behavior comes in. And whether it's shopping and whether it's eating or whether it's watching porn or alcohol or whatever it is, where we just get stuck in more, more, more, more, more, more, more. In reality, when you make the cycle all the way to the euphoria, you're not going to have the desire to do it again because you had this beautiful chemical cascade. It's going to last you before, you're going to want it again. So when we're seeing people who are addicted to sex, usually it's not because they're going through and they're feeling connected and they're not having release of oxytocin that helps them ride out the prolactin into the euphoria. They're stuck in this dopamine prolactin loop and so they're just wanting another hit. So oxytocin is very much about I'm going to feel connected, I'm going to feel loved, I'm going to feel cared for. And it is skin to skin contact. But I mean, I would say for females and both for males, if I take my husband as an example, is just to feel connected to someone, feeling understood, feeling heard, feeling acknowledged. That helps us release, you know, oxytocin. And then the skin to skin contact obviously really helps as well. So the objection is just to keep moving the pathway to reach the goal and encouraging this oxytocin to keep moving through, because that's the thing that's going to give us this beautiful euphoria feeling. If we get stuck in this kind of prolactin dopamine stage, this is where we get, like I said, the sedating properties. You're actually more apathy more low mood. For males, we can actually see more of erectile dysfunction. And you're absolutely going to see a difference in their sperm analysis when we're not getting the loop all the way through. And for females, it's the relaxation, right? It's the relaxation is the neurotransmitters when the system can relax. Like I said, women who have more sex, they tend to have skin that's glowing. They tend to feel more confident, they tend to feel more connected, more purposeful, less anxious. And if I can get you guys to understand how important it is to create that intimacy and stop scheduling the sex, but actually think about how can I create more intimacy with my partner? So I'll give you some examples. Skin to skin contact. Not just waiting until you have sex to have skin to skin contact, but every night just laying on one another to connect and to have that skin to skin contact. Any amount of touch will help. But I think skin to skin contact every day is really, really important. You can do things like take showers together, take baths together, go like you cuddling. You don't have to have sex to start creating more of the surge of the oxytocin and the prolactin. The orgasm is what helps, a huge surge of oxytocin. But anytime you have intimacy and feel connected, you're going to produce some oxytocin. And so that's really what we're encouraging. And I know that for us women it's not like having sex and having an orgasm. There's a physical component to it, but there is also the mental and emotional into having the preparation and feeling connected with your partner and feeling heard and feeling understood. Because if he's unaware of how you're feeling the entire day and he's leaving his socks or his dishes or whatever, and you're just constantly collecting these moments of frustration. And then at nighttime when he wants to be intimate, but you're like, I just don't feel like it. Because you've been collecting moments of frustration and bitterness towards him. That's something that we need to resolve because like I said, he's not even aware he's doing that. Maybe he's aware he's doing that, but it's just figuring out how you guys can come on the same page and create more intimacy and more understanding in the relationship. Because a lot of the times what I find is women don't actually feel understood. We don't feel acknowledged. And then when we have the moments of anger, we actually had a someone in the Fertility 101 membership. She's like, I just have these moments of rage. And she thought it was normal to have the moments of rage to her husband because she's like, I just feel crazy. And I'm like, yeah, but what's underneath that? Well, I'll just get really mad when he doesn't do X, Y and Z. Like if I ask him to run an errand and he didn't run it, and I'm like, so what does that really mean? Well, he doesn't think I'm important or that Aaron was important. And so the bigger problem is that you don't feel like you're important. And so how are you going to be intimate with someone when you don't feel like he's prioritizing your needs? And it's not that, like, you know, he did it on purpose, but the goal is for us women to be able to sit down and express it and say, hey, listen, this is really important to me. And. And I know I'm overreacting when I get really mad at you, but if I ask you to do something and you don't do it, I lose trust. And I feel like you don't really value me. You know, you don't really think that I'm important. I don't feel acknowledged. Those are really big and difficult conversations to have. And a lot of the times the men will go, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that's how you were feeling. And if you have unrealistic expectations on your man where you're getting him to run all these errands all the time and he just can't keep up, then it's like that might open up a conversation. Conversation for him to say, hey, listen, like, I have so much on my plate. I forget it because it's just like there's so much on my plate and I can't remember it or I don't think it's that important. You know, I don't think it's important for me to pick up my socks every time. Like, sometimes I can just leave my socks on the floor or leave that dish. So it's just really figuring out your relationship and how you guys can work together to connect and to be understood. Because when I think about intimacy, you should be craving it. We should be craving euphoria. And instead what we're doing is we're getting stuck in the addictive dopamine cycle where we're scrolling non stop, we're shopping, we're eating foods, we're drinking alcohol, and we're not actually doing the thing that will help us feel so much more connected, so much more relaxed, and so much more purposeful. And when I talk about it from the perspective of fertility, one of the biggest issues with fertility is stressful. And so if you're stressed and you can't get your nervous system to relax, and then you're stuck in this dopamine cycle of just doing more and researching more and shopping more and buying the new supplement, it's actually taking you further away. So the hard thing to do is to have these difficult conversations and to be able to ask for your needs. If you don't have any libido, you should be very concerned about that. And I don't mean it from a perspective of like, something is wrong with you, but it's like. Like something is wrong. You should have hormones that are telling you that it's time to procreate. And if you don't have those hormones, well, that's going to be a reflection of ovarian health and your mitochondrial health and liver health and gut health and all of those things. And this is the beginning of how we make a baby. We need to be intimate. And so if we don't have a lot of intimacy in our life and we want a baby, sometimes I think you're actually craving it. You're already craving the intimacy because you want to know what it's like to feel connected on a very deep level to this tiny human that you made. And I think that first step is to actually start finding that connected, that intimacy with yourself and then with your partner, so then your body can heal and experience. You know what I think is one of the greatest gifts that we as women can experience is to be pregnant and have a baby, and to be able to nurture that baby. It is a miracle. It is a gift. And the more I take people through it, I'm in awe of the body. And the intimacy component is the first part to that. And so if that first part already doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like something is missing. I'm not. And you're just kind of brushing it aside because you're like, as long as we do the sex, and I urge you to step back and say, hey, do I actually feel connected? And what's preventing me from feeling truly connected to my partner? Am I holding some resentment and some anger towards him? Or am I just really tired and depleted, needed, or. I don't actually know what an orgasm is because I've never been taught. And there's a lot of shame. And we need to start asking these questions so then we can address the issue. And I promise you, if you can create more intimacy in your life, you will feel more loved and cared for and connected, and you will have more endorphins, which will give you the good feelings. And you will have less inflammation and you will have less cortisol, less stress. Your blood sugar will be more regulated, you will absorb your nutrients more, and this whole beautiful cascade can move forward and help you heal instead of, you know, you're kind of circling around it and putting all this other energy into decreasing your blood sugar and making sure where, you know, the intimate component is actually really, really huge. So I hope you guys find it helpful. And I know it's a vulnerable thing to talk about, but I've had many, many women over the years who regimented have sex all the time. This is when we do it. And when I ask them if they enjoy sex, they go, well, yeah, it's good. And I'm like, that doesn't sound right. If I ask you if you like chocolate cake, you're not like me. I don't know. You're like, yeah, I love chocolate cake. That's the response that I want you to have. And if you don't have that response, then we need to explore why. Because if there's pain, if there's inflammation, if there's lack of lubrication, if you're tired, we need to make sure that we address those things. If it's lack of intimacy with your partner, then we need to address that as well. Because like I said, maybe it's anger, maybe it's bitterness, and maybe it's just lack of self exploration and knowing yourself, because there's a lot of shame. There's never been anything that is talked about. And like I said, now that I'm seeing more of these podcasts come out, it actually is inspiring. I think it's empowering for us women. Men as well, of course. But like I said, men don't usually have issues with orgasms. That is almost guaranteed. Where for us women, it's a much bigger event. There's a lot more components to it, and I think it's time for us to figure it out. Because like I said, we want the euphoria. You want to feel more connected and more cared for and more relaxed instead of in this reward cycle. We're just constantly looking to get that hit and it's just not quite doing it for you because we need to encourage the pathway all the way so like I said, I hope you guys find this really helpful. I know it's a little bit out there, but like I said, it's just. It's what I see. And if we fix it, there's a lot of things the healing becomes a lot easier. It's a lot easier to replenish nutrients for somebody who feels relaxed versus someone who is stressed. So so if you enjoyed this podcast, make sure you rate it and send it to someone who you think will find it valuable. Thanks so much for being here, you guys. Thank you so much for listening. To read the full show notes of this episode, including summary, timestamps, guest quotes, and any resources that were mentioned on the episode. Visit drjanelevesque.com podcast and if you're getting value from these episodes, I'd love it if you took 2 minutes minutes to share it with a friend. Rate and leave me a review at ratethispodcast.com forward slash Dr. Jane. The reviews will help with the discoverability of the show, and who knows, I might share your review on my next episode. Thank you so much for tuning in and let's make your fertility journey your healing journey.