Episode Summary

Divorce rates in the United States sit between 41 and 50 percent, and most couples never actually do the work to see if their marriage was recoverable. In this episode, Hasani and Danielle answer five real questions from couples standing at the crossroads of divorce, staying "for the kids," flipping daily between wanting out and wanting to stay, and starting over later in life. They break down why threats poison the nervous system of a marriage, why "for the kids" isn't the full story, and the two laws that quietly decide whether a couple actually stays married — the law of attraction and the law of attachment.

What You'll Learn

• Why threatening divorce is one of the fastest ways to sabotage your own marriage
• What "the boy who cried wolf" pattern does to a spouse's willingness to keep investing
• Why staying "for the kids" isn't wrong — but it isn't enough
• The best way to love your child is to love your spouse
• Why divorce impacts adult children more profoundly than adolescents
• The valley of indecision — flipping between wanting out and wanting to stay
• Why 10% commitment can grow to 100% in five days of intensive work
• The danger of getting individual therapy first before couples work
• The law of attraction vs. the law of attachment — and why couples confuse the two
• What a "gray divorce" reveals about the seasons where the real damage was done
• Why 70-97% of divorces are initiated by women — and why husbands almost always say "I never thought she would go"
• Why it is never too late — even after the papers are filed

Timestamps

• 0:00 — Cold open
• 1:00 — Divorce statistics and today's five questions
• 1:12 — Question 1: I keep threatening divorce but don't actually want one
• 2:07 — The nervous system of the threatened spouse
• 3:08 — Teaching your spouse you don't stand by your word
• 4:31 — The empty threat is a cry for help
• 6:05 — Question 2: Am I staying for the kids or teaching them this is love?
• 7:32 — Anchors that motivate you to fight for the marriage
• 8:12 — The best way to love your child is to love your spouse
• 9:42 — Why divorce hits adult children even harder
• 11:15 — Question 3: I flip between wanting a divorce and loving my spouse every day
• 11:39 — The valley of indecision
• 12:00 — From 10% to 100% in five days
• 14:07 — Why individual therapy alone can push you toward divorce
• 15:35 — Question 4: I'm more afraid of losing the lifestyle than losing the marriage
• 17:42 — The law of attraction vs. the law of attachment
• 19:04 — Question 5: Is it foolish to start over in my 50s?
• 19:42 — Gray divorce and reaching the end of the road
• 23:14 — The suitcase, the microwave, and the look on his face
• 23:38 — 70-97% of divorces are started by women — why
• 24:22 — "I never thought she would go"
• 24:44 — It's not too late, even after the papers are filed

Notable Quotes

• "The best way to love your child is to love your spouse."
• "You're teaching your spouse you don't stand by your word."
• "The valley of indecision keeps people stuck."
• "It's not the marriage you can't leave — it's the lifestyle."
• "The closer you get to the finish line, the more you realize you have one life to live."
• "I never thought she would leave."
• "It's not over till it's over."

Resources

• Apply for a 3-5 Day Private Marriage Intensive → couplesacademy.org
• Join the Last Chance Weekend in Atlanta (every second weekend of the month) → https://go.couplesacademy.org/last-chance-weekend
• Call us: 470-771-6254
• Submit a question for the show: drop it in the YouTube comments

Connect With Us

• YouTube: Marriage Intervention by Couples Academy
• Apple Podcasts & Spotify: Marriage Intervention
• Website: couplesacademy.org

Call to Action

If this episode hit home, subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next. If your marriage is on the edge, it is not too late. The 3-5 Day Private Marriage Intensive and the monthly Last Chance Weekend in Atlanta are built for couples exactly here. Book your Private Marriage Consultation at couplesacademy.org.

97% of Divorces Are Started by Women. Here's Why. - YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6t0R5PHIQc

Transcript:

(00:16) >> Is staying together for the children actually protecting them, or am I teaching them that this is what love looks like? >> Number one, there's no perfect marriage. If there's anything strong enough to motivate you to take action to repair your marriage, I'm for it. >> Because at the end of the day, the best way to love your child is to love your spouse.

(01:04) Some studies would suggest is anywhere between 41 and 50%. On today's show, we're going to talk about what are the root causes of these divorces and what can be done to prevent it. Five questions, one topic, real answers. Let's get into it. >> All right, Hasani, our first question is, I keep threatening divorce when I'm angry. But I don't actually want one.

(01:47) Um And so, my first question is, well, how long has your spouse been threatening divorce? And they're like, "Uh for the last 5 years, and I don't know what to do." And immediately, I'm like, "5 years?" Okay, so obviously, they're using this as a a tool of control and manipulation. They're using it as a way to win an argument or to eradicate the issue at hand.

(02:22) Now, the problem with it is even though their behaviors are indicating something other than the threat. The nervous system of the person who's under the threat believes it to be real. And even though oh my god, you're going to stay. Okay, all I need to do is just be right and do this and we can work it out.

(03:07) So why open myself up? Why become vulnerable? Why why do all the things that you're requiring if it's just going to end in divorce anyway? >> Oh my gosh and so good and also there's another aspect of it too because we're firm believers in the fact that you need to teach people how to treat you, right? And one thing that that person that continues to threaten divorce is teaching the other partner is that you're not somebody that sticks to your word, right? So if you've been threatening for five years to leave this person, like if you do it again,

(04:02) It's like the boy that called wolf, you know, when you really needed the help, now nobody believes you because you've been saying it for 5 years. So I mean, it's important to understand that these empty threats, they're really not serving either one of you and the truth is is that this person that is is throwing out these empty threats all the time, it's really a cry for help and them not knowing what else to do, right? So they're using what they have, this empty threat that never works, right? But somehow they get a little bit of a

(04:48) And and you've got to establish boundaries and rules of engagement for effective communication and dialogue. And anytime you throw that in there, you're sabotaging your future. >> And it's the pinnacle threat, right? It's like, what's after that? Like you're not threatening anything low-level, like, you know what, if you don't get it together, we're going to have bad communicate No, you're saying, "I'm going to leave you," right? So where's the motivation for your spouse to correct any of the issues that causes you to call threat call the threat of

(05:34) >> And and let me just give you another expression of the D word, divorce. It's when a person has a non-committal disposition, where they're not necessarily saying, "I'm divorcing you, but you know what, I just don't know about this relationship. I I don't know how long this is going to last. I'm not sure what I want to do.

(06:08) Um we've been miserable for years, but we have kids, and I'm terrified of what a divorce would do to them. Is staying together for the children actually protecting them, or am I teaching them that this is what love looks like? >> That's a That's like a a layered question, right? Because it can be a really great reason to fight for your marriage, right? If if that's the anchor, there's all kinds of anchors that keep us in a marriage that isn't optimal, you know? Number one, there's no perfect marriage, right? But okay, let's talk infidelity, right?

(07:05) What I'm not for is a couple that just resigns to stay in misery. That The part of it that concerns me is we've been miserable for years. Why have it Why has it taken you so so long to take action? You know, how much does it concern you that your kids are in this miserable marriage, right? How much of this has motivated you to do anything thus far? So I feel like that's the real issue here.

(07:50) It says, "Okay, it says, am I staying to protect the children or am I teaching them that this is what love really looks like?" I don't think it's either/or. I think it's both and. I think you can be protecting them from the consequences of a divorce, but also sharing with them what love looks like in your household. So, there's there's there's pros and cons to both of it.

(08:33) And if you have an unhealthy model, then guess what? You're leaving a legacy in your children that will pass down because that this is what love looked like in my in my household. This is what communication looked like in my household. >> subconscious, right? It's not like anybody says, "Let me go get the most toxic marriage I can find because that's what my parents had.

(09:07) That's a lesson to pass on because I've also met people who never saw their parents fight. Like never. And now that they're in conflict in their marriage, they just don't know what to think of this. Like they don't understand that communication has levels to it. There's regular calm communication and there's arguments and that's also a part of communication.

(09:42) A lot of people assume, well, listen, we're going to stay around because the kids are young, but once they graduate high school or once they now get out of the home, then we'll pursue divorce. And I read an interesting white paper, and it was breaking down the impact of divorce on adult children. And it was doing a comparative analysis between adult children and adolescent children.

(10:37) And a lot of times the adult child's livelihood is dependent upon the security of that other marriage, right? The primary marriage. And so, there's so many consequences beyond what people could even imagine. And so, this is why you should you should never make a decision to leave when you're soaked and saturated in your emotions because you need to balance heart and head, bringing in an expertise that can talk to you about the consequences of what happens if you divorce, and to give you solutions of what to do before divorce.

(11:22) It says, "Part of me wants a divorce and part of me still loves my spouse, and I flip between the two every single day. How do I make a decision this big when I can't even trust my own feelings?" >> Yeah. It sounds like this person is living in the valley of indecision. And they're vacillating back and forth. It's almost like a pendulum that swings from left to right, and anything can knock it in any uh particular direction because they're looking at either external situational factors that impact that decision, or it's based upon how they

(12:10) The first couple, they both want the marriage. The second couple, one wants it, one's unsure. The third couple, one wants it, one does not. Yet, they all come. So, the question is, "What percentage of you wants this marriage?" And usually they'll give me a very low number like, "I don't know, 10%.

(12:49) Tell me about why you showed up. Tell me about what you're fighting for because we have seen, and this is awesome, >> [clears throat] >> someone came in literally at 10%. By the end of the first day, which is the hardest day, they were at 50%. I'm like, "50%? How are you at 50%?" Well, to be honest, I didn't think my spouse would show up the way that he or she did in this full disclosure.

(13:42) >> I don't know what to add to that. I mean, that to me that was such a powerful and comprehensive answer, but the question is how do I make a decision this big when I can't even trust my own feelings, right? So, the the answer was actually in your response. It's really getting into that counseling, getting into an a private intensive where somebody can, you know, systematically walk you through a process to help your 10% become the 50% that get you to the 100%, right? That indecision, that place of indecision really keeps people stuck,

(14:27) And then once I do that, and once you do that, then we'll come together and do some couple work." And the reason why I've seen that work against a couple more often than not is that if I'm getting help from my therapist, right? They're only hearing my side. They're only hearing my perspective and evaluating my marital situation on one side or one half of the story.

(15:07) And I'm like, "Your therapist advised you to have an open marriage with your spouse?" And so, listen, we believe that you can do both at the same time. Think about a highway. It has three lanes, left, middle, and right. Well, in your marriage, you have the left lane, that's the lane that you're in, the right lane, the lane your spouse is in, and then that middle lane, you're in it together.

(15:48) >> Wow. >> How do I separate fear of change from genuinely wanting to stay? >> How do I separate the fear of change from genuinely wanting to stay? In other words, this person has a fear that of doing the work to change as it up against this desire to stay. I'm kind of confused by the question. >> Well, to me, uh, we're we're >> I lose the house, the routine, the whole life we built, and that scares me more than losing the marriage itself. Okay.

(16:45) To me, divorce should always be the last option. Right? If you haven't put everything you have into fighting for this marriage, to restore what you had or to maintain what you had. We have used that many times as the motivation to cause a couple to actually fight. A couple that has been through so much and they're so fatigued and they feel like they don't have enough in them to take another blow, but they've got so much to fight for.

(17:33) You want to stay, right? And maybe the fear of change is the motivation that you need to kick-start your your the action to actually do something about your marriage. >> Yeah, what's built into this question is the difference between the law of attraction and the law of attachment. Because when two people come together, it's based upon physical attraction, emotional desirability, that cements the relationship, that initiates it.

(18:19) And this is what I'm hearing the fear is for him or her, whoever's writing this question. Like, man, I don't really care about the marriage, but everything attached to it is what I really want to hold on to. Well, that's why you need to do this necessary work. And you mentioned before, listen, if kids are the only thing keeping you together, well, thank God for the kids cuz it will give you the time to do the necessary work to connect with your spouse.

(18:57) And I think that's what needs to happen when couples are kind of vacillating between what they should do. >> That's a great answer, Hussein. Let's go to the next question. We're older, the kids are grown, and people keep asking why we'd bother divorcing at this point in life. Is it foolish to start over in my 50s, or is it foolish to waste the years I have left? >> Mhm.

(19:48) He has physically abused me. I mean, I'm talking about drag-out fights like Ike Tina Ike and Tina Turner. And she got to a point where she couldn't take it anymore. We got into a what made you stay so long? We got into all of that. But, the point is she felt like her marriage was a prison sentence, and it was time to let go and to move on.

(20:25) We've ran a ministry that we're no longer over. We part. The kids are now out of the house. Whatever it is, when major things happen in their life, it gives them an out to live their own separate lives. It's sad that it has to come to that, but this is the reality. >> a reality, and it makes me think about those season You know, our lives are cyclical and seasonal, and it just makes me think about the years in the marriage where we're supposed to be investing into the future, where we're supposed to be having our golden years and sitting

(21:14) I'll stay until retirement. I'll stay until this." Or, they're hoping against all hope. You know, it's like the question, "Am I foolish?" right? A lot of times they're questioning that because they keep forgiving. They keep taking them back. They keep on thinking, "Maybe there's a little bit of hope. Maybe I'll see some change.

(21:54) Am I going to continue to live it with somebody who has consistently shown me inconsistency and the inability to change, or am I going to make a choice that's going to serve the rest of my life?" That's where we get. >> But, what you just said, you realize how many years you have left, and that's why somebody like, "I can't do this.

(22:33) >> I was watching an episode of I think it's called The Chosen on Netflix. And literally, that scene played out where it was I guess like the leader of the group, and she had been seeing his abuse and his drinking and for years and years and years she'd made excuses for him and said, "He's going to stop this year.

(23:09) The look on his face like, my life just walked out the door. My stability, my structure, like literally everything that I am just walked out the door. What am I going to do? And that's where a lot of people find themselves later on in life when they have not made the investments in the seasons that they were supposed to in the marriage.

(23:51) And so, I you know, when I asked the question, I said, "Well, why did you treat her so bad for so long?" >> I didn't think >> He pauses and then says, "Well, I just never thought that she would ever go." I just I never thought that she would leave. And now that she's left, I now realize what I've done, and now I'm in regret. Now, to be fair, we've seen it on both sides.

(24:34) >> Real. Real. >> And so, this is why we Listen, when it comes to counseling, you you can never start too early, but it can be a point where you start too late. Don't let that be you. If you're hearing this right now, and you're in a place where your marriage is really on the verge of divorce, it's not over till it's over.

(25:14) So, if that's you, I want you to reach out to us right now. The link is in the description. The phone number is there. Reach out to us. Let's set up a discovery call to see how we can help save and restore your marriage. But, until then, see you on the next episode of Marriage Intervention.