I have the incredible Becky Aste joining me today. Together, we embark on a transformative exploration of healing our nervous systems through somatic breathing and various practices. Get ready for an inspiring conversation that celebrates the importance of nurturing ourselves as moms and cultivating loving relationships.
In this heartfelt episode, Becky shares her personal journey of healing and self-realization within the context of her relationship with her husband and kids. Her profound realization that somatic practices can unlock true transformation will inspire you. Her story serves as a powerful reminder that healing is within reach for everyone.
Together, we delve into the transformative power of healing, nurturing our relationships, and embracing personal growth. Get ready to ignite your journey of healing and transformation, because as moms, we deserve the love and nourishment we give others.
What you'll hear in this episode:
[3:20] How did you get to the point where you were like "This is what's gonna save us?"
[8:35] We can't have a ton of perspective until we've shifted unless it's someone else's.
[12:55] The importance of having a safe place for healing.
[16:40] Instagram can be a safe place to learn about things you've never heard about.
[20:05] What are some of the layers that have been added to your relationship with your partner after having kids?
[24:00] Advice for women who don't have the financial means to invest in a coaching program.
[28:45] Tapping is one of the most child-friendly modalities.
[33:15] How long would you say you saw resistance and do you still find yourself resisting?
[38:25] Allow yourself to heal first before you support others.
[40:50] Becky's current and future goals.
CONNECT WITH BECKY
Follow Becky: @rebeccaleeaste
Check out her amazing podcast Your Breakthrough Blueprint
Check out her free training by clicking on the link https://www.idobreakthrough.com/
CONNECT WITH KELSEY
Follow Kelsey: @thisiskelseysmith
Follow Momma Has Goals: @mommahasgoals
Learn more at https://thisiskelseysmith.com/
Use the code Kelsey for $50 off your ticket to EmpowerHER Live: https://www.kaciaghetmiri.com/empowerher-live
Join our text list. Text "Goals" to (707) 347-0319
Speaker 1 0:00
There's so many times where when we were fighting when disconnected it was them that like reminded us of the love that we have for each other. And so I just remember, there would be times even when we were separated, and we were putting the kids down, and they were just dozing off, and we'd both have our hand on our son's back and just looked at each other. And it was like a little moment of unspoken, hey, I still remember that I love you, when there's so much hostility that had been built so much hard energy, it was just the moments like that where the kids could soften it.
Kelsey Smith 0:35
Let's reimagine mom life together. Mama high schools is your hub for relatable support, and helpful resources that help you fuel yourself alongside motherhood, your identity is bigger than mom. And whatever your goals are, together, we're making them a reality. There are so many things about life, that you have no idea how to navigate until you get there. And you can be on the outside of someone else's situation and have an opinion or perspective. But until you've gone through that exact situation in that exact way, you really have no idea. We all have tools in our toolbox. And sometimes we need a hammer. And sometimes we need a drill or screwdriver. But sometimes your project might actually need something that you've never used before, you might end up with a new tool that you didn't even know existed. And in this conversation today with Becky we talk about how her relationship and marriage and struggles that they walked through required her to find new tools. That was somatic work, and it's led her to lead other women through their challenging relationships to find what they need to be able to heal themselves. And potentially their relationship is well, I absolutely loved this conversation with Becky we unpack so much. At the core Becky is a trauma informed marriage coach. She is the CEO of idu breakthrough and executive coach of a program called route to rise which is a transformational six month program designed to teach deeply committed high achieving wives to restore thriving intimacy in their relationship by learning to move trauma out of their body. Through Becky's own experience, what you realize is a lot of the blocks in her relationship, while she had to heal from some of the things that had happened, she also was blocking some of the blessings and had to work through her own internal trauma in the body, how her body was responding, we unpack a lot in this conversation, some of the things that she has gone through with her clients, her own relationships, how this has affected how she shows up as a mom, some of the resentment that she felt to her children during various periods of time, and so much more. So this is such a good conversation, dive in. Becky, I'm so excited to have you here. You meet these people online sometimes and you're like, we're just like read kindred spirits, you can totally tell that you're just gonna get along and you have so much respect for that person and what they've done. And you're totally that person for me, I can already tell. I'm super excited to dive into all the different goodies that we're going to talk about today with marriage and relationships, and how trauma and kids and all of that can affect our intimacy and how we show up in our marriage. But I want to start with how you got here. So bring us back to what made you decide to become a trauma informed marriage coach?
Speaker 1 3:20
Yeah, it's not because I've killed the marriage game. For all these years, we actually had a pretty rough backstory, we got married really young. I was 21. He was 23. We met in college. And so I noticed really early on this kind of dynamic of what at the time, I only had words to call it a chase and run dance where I would chase he would run little things I'd noticed if you didn't text back and get anxious or wonder what he was thinking about me terrified of conflict, is he mad. And this kind of dynamic just spiraled and accelerated over the years as I learned more about myself and started digging into like recovery and healing and self development. I had different words for it, like codependency and addiction was what we had identified with. And then anxious attachment, avoidant attachment styles like this is been the journey we went on for 10 years of just trying to figure out like, what is off with us and why do like month after month, we reach these points where the tension is just so high, you can cut a knife with it, they're always there's always an elephant in the house. And my codependency or control is only accelerating and then your addiction you're wanting to escape and whatever it is, is cocktail of choice of escape mechanisms by accelerating as well. And so despite years of therapy, counseling, books, podcasts, EMDR like retreats, all the things, we found ourselves two kids later separated and on the verge of divorce. And that was when I stumbled upon what ended up being the missing key for us, which is somatic work, and that word just means what work pertaining to the body, especially in contrast to the mind. And it was the first woman that ever really hired a coach. And she taught me how to tune back into my intuition that I had a very corroded relationship with my own intuition which we can get into if you want, but didn't know how to trust my gut didn't know how to make a decision was constantly played with that, should I stay, or should I go, and she taught me how to move trauma out of my body. And she taught me that the Body Keeps the Score of what we've been through. And if we don't get to the subconscious level of moving out those blocks, then our marriage is just gonna keep spinning its wheels, at best or, and at worst. So that is how I landed upon the work that I do now, which is I'm a trauma informed marriage coach, and I help women restore intimacy by moving trauma out of their body.
Kelsey Smith 5:51
So amazing. And I can assume that when you were doing this work, you were getting so many opinions from friends from family. And I can also assume that almost none of them have heard of somatic work. And so when you went to say, This is what's gonna save us, and this is what we're gonna do. Talk to me about the outside opinions from the very beginning to the point that you were like, no, like, we're good now like or better. We're improving. We're working, we're seeing progress. What are some ways that you navigated that?
Speaker 1 6:25
I love that question. Nobody has asked me that. And that was such like a big part of the process for me, because it added to the confusion, the amount of opinions I was getting from friends, like, I am a very open person. So especially with my girls, the ones that I feel safe with them, I'm an open book. And I had to learn that, oh, there's some people that I can not be open with about what we're going through, because it was just so much unsolicited advice of you deserve better just leave him or like really bandaid tips, like try to spice it up in the bedroom, or we'll go on more date nights, you guys just need a vacation. And I tried all the things. My best friend was the one like sound person through this process, because she just without judgment held space for me and said, I'm going to support you no matter what, and you're going to figure it out, you're going to come to your own conclusion. If you stay, I'm cheering for you, if you go, I'm gonna be here for you. And so that was really helpful. And then finding more women like that in the somatic program that I did, it was more than that vibe. And so that helped me sort through my own mind, mess of my mind at the time. But when we did heal, I do remember, some people just had opinions, this one instance comes out, we're on like a bachelorette weekend in Miami with my best friend. And that one of the girls on the trip, like I could just tell when I told her because she knew what we had been through. I told her like I did this somatic healing like I for the first time in my entire marriage, I have clarity that I do want to stay, and I can't even begin to describe to you the amount of healing that's taken place. You could just tell she did not accept it and was like, not buying it like not happy with it. Just in her opinion. What he would went through was a deal breaker she and I never would stand for that in my marriage. And so it it pierced and it hurt just that sense of rejection and noticing wanting to go into kind of prove it mode, and then realizing I don't need to explain it to anyone. For me, it was just like a blessing release. Okay, I just know who I can open up to. But then there's other people like the inlaws who are thrilled, of course, just yeah, you guys made it.
Kelsey Smith 8:37
Yeah. And I think that in anything in life, we can't have a ton of perspective until we've been given that perspective, right, unless it's someone that we know has gone through something or we have as well, as much as we want to all say that will be understanding and that we can see the other person's perspective, often we can't. And I think that our job is to be able to learn how to receive new pieces of information that we haven't gone through. So we can all be a little nicer to each other. And also, you know, what, just like your friend, hey, I'm gonna be here for you, you're gonna figure it out. Instead of maybe the other perspective, that's I would never stand for that. You don't actually know until you go through it. Right? You don't actually know until you've had the experience. And you're in that those shoes and you're saying, Hey, here's why I know that I should keep pushing like, it's probably this kind of gut feeling most days. So it sounds like you had somewhere like I don't know, should I go? But then you come back and you're like, No, I really think that there's a reason I'm supposed to stay and you just hadn't figured out why yet. And now so talk to us a little bit more about the beginning stages and the beginning process. Was this something that you did individually first, and then you did together? What did that look like? Yeah, great question. So
Speaker 1 9:51
it was a program designed just for women. And that was for me a mythbuster of this own belief that I had that there's no chance that we could hear Unless we were on the exact same track, like going to the same counselor working it out together at the same pace. And this blew that notion off the roof for me, because this was the first time I like, really detached on this level. And it was a program just for me. And it was learning really how to not just say verbally, okay, he's got to work on his own stuff, I can't control him. I had said that and knowing that for years, but energetically there were such because of the just wounds that I was carrying, even abandonment wounds, my dad had died really suddenly, when I was 18. That was very deeply ingrained in me. And so energetically, I didn't believe that it was okay if he didn't act in a certain way and heal at a certain pace. And so this work was the first time that I really was able to energetically align with wow, like, I'm really okay. On my own two feet. And how it started to play into the marriage was a funny story. It was during COVID. And I, we were separated at the time, but he would come over daily to have dinner with the kids, and then go back to his mom's house to sleep, and then work during the day. But one night, I went out to my best friend's house for bachelor night, because we watched the bachelor don't judge me, it's my guilty pleasure. And I was like, if you want to sleep on the couch or downstairs tonight, I'm going to be out late, feel free. He wakes up the next day, he tests positive for COVID. And we're like, oh crap, I guess you can't go back to your mom's and at the time, it was that 15 day quarantine. And so I was like, here we are, we're gonna be in the same house for 15 days, like, how's this gonna go. And during that time, we're just some of the very initial first breakthrough conversations, we were able to have like really on that level of authenticity and safety and not trying to change each other's mind or opinion, but just like really hearing each other. It was the conversations had during those 15 days. And so that was like the first kind of glimmer of hope of repair of what is this mean? Oh my gosh. And then after the quarantine was up, and we were all healed, he was packing his bags ready to go back because I was like, I still need a little more time. Even though that was beautiful, whatever that was that just happened. And so he's on his way out the door. And then his mom calls and was like, I tested positive for COVID. We just looked at each other is this God is this the universe, this is a joke, Sebastian, just stay. And I told him to stay. And so that was, you know, he just has stayed ever since. And it took a while before he moved back up to the bedroom. But that was really the beginning of our repair journey. And if you were to ask him in retrospect, like what shifted, he would speak to that energetic piece. He was like, for the first time I really felt safe in your space, and whatever I was going to say wasn't going to break you and dissolve you like that you got you for the first time.Kelsey Smith:
Wow, that's so powerful. Because so often we're this is what's wrong with you. And in your situation. He maybe was doing things that he could do better, right? There was maybe things that you could say, hey, this isn't something that needs can keep happening. There are some areas that need to be improved, but rather than focusing your energy there, you are focusing on you and you're focusing on okay, what can I heal first? And how can I heal how I respond to these things? How can I heal what's happened to me previously, that then I can allow us to heal? Because I'm a safe place. And this is such a tricky conversation in the modern world, right? Because often we're holding so much already, you're have so much that you're responsible for the often it can be like, Why do I have to be the one to go first, again, how were there some ways that you've maybe continued to navigate that, but especially in that moment to just say, okay, hearing him taking on more again, first, to be able to maybe be the one that changes things, but also knowing that even if it didn't save your marriage, it was gonna save you? How did you hold that through that?:
That's so relatable and it's like almost all of the women that I talked to that's the trend is these mamas who tend to be like the high achieving are taking the lead when it comes to the healing and feeling like their husband's either not doing anything or not doing enough. It's that frustration and for me it just at the time, I really was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. My anxiety was so high my insomnia like just panic attacks eczema breakouts, not well. I remember calling my best friend and being like, Courtney, I really can't even explain how unwell I feel right now. I feel like this is where people are before. They're admitted for psychiatric help. Just everything just felt so dark. And I stumbled upon that reel from that woman who I ended up investing in as a relationship coach, and all I was noticing was like I was binging content every day all of it was resonating with me. I kept going back to her page, like deep diving into all of the content. And it was the first time like I had mentioned that corroded relationship with my intuition. It was the first time I recall thinking is this my gut? Is this what it feels like to be like, my gut is like screaming at me to get in this woman's space somehow. And so it was very like against my norm to even book a call with her. Any therapist I'd ever paid for. It was like a referral or somebody that I knew this was like a stranger off of Instagram. I'm like, this makes no logical sense. But then when I hopped on the call with her, it was again that that gut that I now was like, yes, my intuition, just saying whatever the cost, and I was very afraid of the cost. I was like, What is she gonna say this program Investment is, but I was like, I just, I feel like, this is what I need. I'm at the end of my rope. And it was exactly what you said, of, I don't know if this is going to save my marriage. But I remember what she promised me on that call, which was what I thought was very bold. Hers was an eight week program. And she said, because she saw me so terrorized by that question, I don't know if I should stay, or should I go? I've been battling this for years now. And she said, You'll have total clarity at the end of eight weeks. And I was like, Excuse me? Did you not just here we've been at this for 10 years, like you think your little eight week course, is gonna give me clarity and eight weeks, but I was in such a place of desperation. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, that I was like, What do I have to lose? And so that was just to be honest, like, how, why I did it. It wasn't like a Oh, I wrestled through that tension of now I'm ready to take the lead. It was just like, I just, I need to do something. I feel like I'm gonna break.Kelsey Smith:
Yeah. So good. I love that you talk about Instagram, to finding people because we actually just recorded an episode on the negatives of social media, and there are a lot, but there's also so many positives, and one of them is allowing yourself to be in a world you've never seen before. Or learn something you've never learned before. And then I love that you're saying been shot content. There's positive content all over the internet that you can learn about things that you've never heard about. I don't think most people have ever heard about somatic work. breathwork a lot of modalities to really work on yourself, I know that I hadn't, and allowing yourself to learn about that in a safe place. Instagram can be your safe plays, you're already there, you're doing things on it. So learning in that way is really amazing. I love that you just did that. And let's give a shout out to that coach just to because she changed her life. Let's Yeah, Sariah:
Bastian, she runs a course beyond breath. And she's just a gift to humanity. She really isKelsey Smith:
amazing. Now one of the things that you brought up was that your husband came over for dinner every night while you guys were separated? I'd love to unpack that a little bit. That obviously was probably really difficult, because I can assume you didn't really want to be in the same space as each other. And I'm sure the decision was for your kids to be able to have some normalcy. How did that happen? From the very beginning? How did you decide to prioritize that? And then how did you make it through dinner? When you didn't probably really want to be at the same table together?:
Is such a good question. This was just such a tricky piece of it. It was already so heartbreaking and hard to go through. But then having little ones and just constantly thinking, Am I traumatizing them for life? Like how is this going to impact them? All of those thoughts just made it even heavier. But before I found the somatic work, we were seeing a couples counselor together that there was a lot of that experience that was super unhelpful. And because of what I know now about trauma and our particular struggles, I'm like, oh, like I would not have done that again. But the one helpful thing I will say that came from that is she when she heard we were going to do a separation, she encouraged us to come up with a structure like a plan of what they'll actually look like, like how much are we going to be texting or talking? How often will he come over if at all to see the kids and so I was grateful for that. That kind of structure. And we had a conversation with her. No, it wasn't with her. She just encouraged us to talk to each other outside of that. And so we talked about okay, let's have you come over with the kids and try to keep this as normal as possible because neither of us really knew what was going to come out of it either. Like how long this would be. So we didn't want to make a big announcement that like Daddy and Mommy are ending when we didn't know yet and so dinners were hard it was like a mixture of the time of I'm grateful that we're keeping some kind of normalcy for the kids and me doing my best to just focus on them asked about their day during those times. It wasn't a whole lot of Yeah, me connecting with him and there was some nights where he's just like, I just want to kill you looking at him across the table. This is so freakin Hard. So a mix of that. And just, I don't know, that's the best way I can describe it. To be honest, that was a really tricky part of it.Kelsey Smith:
Yeah. Now moms carry so much, right. And once you step into motherhood, you're questioning so many things often, and things about yourself things about your partner, and a lot of the things that you and your husband worked through, were lit on fire after having kids, right? You said that this is something you are navigating for many years. But after that it really got larger. What are some of the thoughts that you had about your kids during that time, because sometimes what I hear is, obviously, you love your children, you're so grateful that you have them. But it puts a different layer into your relationship, because you may have had a different perspective about your relationship. If you didn't have kids, do you feel like having the kids allowed you to work harder, if you will, to stay together? Allow yourself to see positives that came from your relationship to say they this relationship brought me you guys? What are some of the layers that having kids added that you think would have not been there prior to the kids? Or the good things that came from that?:
Mm hmm. You have no idea how deep that question is for me. And we were actually talking about this just last night, my husband and I went out on a date night. And it ended with a conversation about this Exactly. Like how I have felt about my relationship with the kids and how our marriage and the struggles that we've gone through have impacted like how I view the kids and I really started thinking I think on a subconscious level that I'm honestly still just unpacking right now is we were married for five years before Ali came along. And for the most part, that was like a pretty, pretty good five years. So that was before our toxic dance, like really picked up speed. I think on a subconscious level, I can have kind of this energy of blame towards the kids of once the kids came along. That's when our marriage started to really suffer, and struggle and go downhill. And I would never say that consciously, ever. But I think on a deep level, I think there's an association there that I'm like, just starting to unpack and realize, like I need to break that. And just because noticing even now in our present day, like post healing and post repair, I can sometimes see the kids as an interruption in the amount of shame that like comes with that the mom guilt and wondering like, where does that come from? I'm starting to like wonder if it comes from there. But as far as your question of, it's, I would say both. It's like, there's times where I'm like, Oh my gosh, these little precious innocent humans that have no judgment towards either of us, as we're judging each other so hard and like battling through so much resentment in our adult marriage, these little precious souls, or some of you know, there's so many times where when we were fighting when disconnected, it was them that like reminded us of the love that we have for each other. And so I just remember, there'd be times even when we were separated, and we were putting the kids down, and they were just dozing off, and we'd both have our hand on our son's back and just look at each other. And it was like a little moment of unspoken pay. I still remember that I love you, when there's so much hostility that had been built so much hard energy, it was just the moments like that where the kids could soften it. And then so it's both but it's a new added responsibility in life. And so anytime you like go out of your comfort zone and rise to a new level, your old coping mechanisms come out. And so I think that's why it escalated. But yeah, two things can be true at once. Yeah, yeah. So anotherKelsey Smith:
thing that comes up for me, I know you primarily work with high achieving women, so they are typically having their own means of finances that are coming into their world. A woman that is maybe in a situation where she's Oh, my gosh, I need this for my marriage. I need this relationship. But she doesn't have her own financial means to go out and make an investment in a coaching program. What are some pieces of advice that you would give her so that she could do some of this healing on her own for without asking the partner that maybe isn't open to that?:
This is the tricky thing. And I meet with so many women week in and week out who are in that situation. And in some sense, they're the ones that need it the most, but they either have a controlling partner that controls all the finances, sometimes it's an abusive relationship, and he doesn't allow her to spend and those are heartbreaking situations, or other times, it's just she's a stay at home mom and her husband is bringing in all the money. So even though they are more of a team financially, he just doesn't see the value in it. That can be hard. There's been times where clients have had honest conversations with their husbands and their husbands have been like, Okay, I don't understand and this but it seems to be important to you. And they have supported and allowed their wives to get healing and some of my most incredible client journeys, testimonial success stories where situations like that. But what I say to those women is just plug in to me with all of the free resources that I have. There's so much free content that I put out from my podcast, your breakthrough blueprint, I have so many free trainings that I've recorded, like three secrets to thriving intimacy, and I have a one on how to reverse toxic communication without saying a word. Just depending on what they're struggling with. I'll be like, Here, take this, guided visualizations, stuff like that. There's so much free stuff for the woman who's just in that stage. Yeah.Kelsey Smith:
So now that you've done this work, and you say, post healing, we're obviously always healing or maintaining, I guess, is a better word, maintaining that healing. What are some things that you've put into your daily practices in your life to make sure to maintain and take care of yourself? Do you have a morning routine things that you really make sure that you check the boxes weekly, monthly, quarterly?:
I love that. Yeah. So for me, one would be yoga, I had done it on and off for years, but it's different when you learn about the body. That was what was fascinating about the course. And even I geeked out over is I learned so much about my body and like how my physical symptoms are connected to different energy centers and emotional trigger points. So now when I'm doing yoga, it's with such a deeper knowledge. And so it just like supercharges the healing that yoga can bring when I like, bring a deeper intention and awareness of my body like to my practice, I am a busy mom. And so it'd be nice if I could be like a Buddhist monk doing hours of breath work every day. But that's not what I do. I do a five minute breath work, you know, every single day. And that's just 30 breaths in and out the mouth. And then I hold at the top for 30 seconds, I released I do 30 breaths in the nose out the mouth, hold at the bottom for 30 seconds. And that's it. And every time I feel it shift my nervous system you and I talked about before hitting record, the power of yawning that can be a telltale sign of you shifting from that fight flight freeze system into the Rest Digest. I'm safe, I can breathe system. And so every time after my little five minute breathwork session, I noticed a yawn coming on and I'm like, Ah, this is good. I'm back in my safety system. I do EFT tapping, where you're tapping on different meridian points. And I combine it with affirmations, I just have a five minute affirmation that I've recorded my voice saying of my different areas that are important to me. So I've just got a couple of things that I say about parenting, about my health, about my relationship about my business about money. And those came from limiting beliefs of scarcity mindset, or shame stories. And so I literally like tap on the different points in my body while I'm listening to my voice saying where I want to be. And that really helps me maintain like the progress and the breakthrough that's happened.Kelsey Smith:
Yeah. And is there an app or a way that you would recommend that people first learn:
about tapping? Yeah, I have a guided like for Dummies 101 20 minute session that can be personalized for you. So you can DM me if you are like I have no idea what tapping is. But it sounds weird and cool. And I want to try it.Kelsey Smith:
I've heard amazing things about it. I haven't dove into tapping in any way yet. But people just swear by it in so many ways. And for moms, I think it's such a good resource because we talked about this on my podcast not too long ago. It's also something you can teach your kids. There aren't a lot of these modalities that are really child friendly from a younger age and tapping is one of them that is a little more child friendly. So I think that's pretty cool to learn about and incorporate. Are there any other things that you've already started incorporating with your kids? I know they're really young. But is there anything that you love that you've already started getting them to think about? And do:
we I think it's funny, you bring up the tapping with kids, especially for your audience. I just saw a real last night of a mom who is babywearing and she was tapping like on herself not on the baby. But the power of it's called co regulation like the baby picks up your energy the baby picks up your circadian rhythm. And so if the baby is able to feel as she's on you your body in a state of stress and how the tapping is shifting it to a state of safety. That baby is going to pick up on that. And that is going to be recorded in the baby's body and subconscious and energetic blueprint where she didn't know what was happening. But her body is remembering Oh, this is how you go from a state of stress to safety. And so that is powerful to do, even if your kids are just watching you doing it or hugging you while you're doing it. Another one is the five senses. So I've taught my kids this and it has changed the game with tantrums. Oh my gosh. So for me, when I started the somatic work, anytime I got triggered, I'd stop and Name five things that I could see four things, I could hear three things, I could touch two things I could smell one thing I could taste. And so I started trying this and my kids, when they get really upset, I'd be like, Ollie, can you Name five things that you see on the wall, and he'd be like, Hulk poster book, and you start to see his breath calming down. And every time it gets him out of that, like losing his mind state to his back in his body back in his breath. It's really cool.Kelsey Smith:
I love that. So obviously, motherhood can be triggering. There's really no other way to put that. Because for many reasons, it's reminding you things about your childhood. It's just also hard to be a mom, right? You're talking about tantrums. Like you just said, it's one it's not easy to have someone screaming in your presence or being really upset. It's something that you have to learn how to navigate well, and there's no handbook no way and goes okay your mom now here's how you handle tantrums and hard conversations and your kids sneaking out and all those things that make mom life hard. What are some ways that you've already seen your nervous system be impacted by the work that you're doing to be able to hold space for your kids and not respond in a unhealthy manner?:
That's such a good question. Yeah, it's 100% flooded into parenting. And that was an unexpected like treasure with this work. I came in from my relationship. And then I saw it leading to breakthroughs and parenting. And so it's just the ability to take space and knowing now even what it feels like in the first place to have a regulated nervous system. For the first time in my adult life. Like I was just constantly living in a state of trigger. Like, I really didn't even know what deep cellular rest felt like until this work. And so it's just helped me to have a base point, like, Okay, I'm noticing myself getting triggered getting dysregulated. And I've done a lot of work just even on shame, the whole idea and sensation and collective experience that we all have when it comes to shame, or most people say mom guilt, but it's just this, I'm defective, because I'm getting flustered right now or I'm a bad mom, because I'm getting anxious. And being able to speak more compassionately to myself has been a huge game changer. At first, I was very judgmental towards there. I remember my coach being like, just pointing out that I have a very harsh inner critic. And she's like, What if you tried putting your hand on your heart and speaking compassionately, and I just remember getting angry. I was like, that sounds so dumb, and a waste of time. And then I started practicing it and noticing dissolving the tension in my muscles showing up as a more patient nurturing mom,Kelsey Smith:
all the things. Yeah. I love that you bring up that it didn't just come to you. It wasn't like that you went into this program. And all of a sudden, you're like, oh, my gosh, this feels so easy. I was meant to do this. There was some resistance. And there were some things that you had to work through. How long would you say that you saw resistance? And do you still find yourself coming up certain things at times that you're resisting?:
That's a really good question. I think it would, it just comes in waves just depends on what we're working through. That was one of them. When it came to rewiring, like the way I talked to myself, I was very much pull yourself up by your bootstraps and muscle through grin and bear it and learning to speak compassionately to me brought up a lot of it to myself brought up a lot of resistance. Another area was forgiveness of a friend that had betrayed me a good girlfriend, and just feeling so much just rage, vengeance, anger, just fantasizing about paying her back for what she had done to me. That was like a year into the program. And so it's just like randomly it'll just pop up depending on what we're working through. And so now I know resistance is the sign that you're on the verge of a breakthrough. And so I think even being able to reframe it and welcome it well, this is this is interesting that this resistance is coming up. Do I feel ready to work through it? Do I feel safe too? Or is this like this needs to be saved for a rainy day and giving myself the permission to not like I used to push through muscle through it because it's a process.Kelsey Smith:
Yeah. And a different version of resistance. You had previous success and other businesses Network. Marketing, different things that you had done in your life. Can you talk a little bit about now that you're doing what you were meant to do, at least for this season, right that you're now in this like, just, I see butterflies on this background behind you this butterfly season is my friend Aisha says, of just really stepping into your calling and being like, I cannot wait to share what's changed my world with the rest of the world? How do you speak to maybe the woman that hasn't found that thing yet that they're performing? And they're executing and maybe doing really well, just like you had before? But they're not feeling full inside of themselves?:
To answer that, I think it's funny that you haven't mentioned the butterfly. That's my thing. Ever since I was a little girl. And I will tie this in, I just I have to go back for a second to explain it. Ever since I was a little girl. If I was like stuck in a situation where I don't know one example that comes to mind, I was late for a soccer game. And I was like praying, please, God help the traffic open up because we were caught in a traffic jam. And then I saw a little white butterfly. And then all of a sudden, the traffic opened up after having been in standstill for a long time. And then we made it to the game crises that kids go through, right. But it was like that was very regular actually, like so many moments as a little girl where I was like, butterflies are my sign from God that everything is gonna be okay. When my dad died at his memorial, when we buried him two little white butterflies came up from the ground and danced away into the sky. I remember like right at the moment that we were burying him. So they're very powerful to me. And when you think of a butterfly and the metamorphosis, right, there's a point where it's an ugly, slimy, little caterpillar maybe, or maybe not ugly sometimes. But it goes into that phase of being in the cocoon, and it's really dark in there. And it's really tight, and it's really constricted. And they're in there for a while, but they have to bake until they're ready to like start to break through and come out so they can fly. And so I think about my, my years in network marketing, and I'm able to be really grateful for them. Now, at first when I found all of this and like you said, I'm like so undeniably, in my purpose now, like nothing has ever lit me up like this in my entire life. And I'm able to see how aligned it is and how unaligned that was in retrospect. But I think I needed to go through that that was my time, like in my cocoon, there was a lot of work that needed to be done a lot of struggle, a lot of baking in the oven, so to speak before I was ready. So for somebody who feels like, feel like this is not it for me, I feel like something's off, or I'm not sure if this is what I'm meant to be doing. With business, just trusting the process that it just may be a matter of time, maybe there's a couple more things you need to bake or let you know, wisdom come in through whatever you need to go through. In order for you to be fully ready for what really is your purpose. Because even what I'm doing right now, like, right, if we hadn't had all those years of our marriage, like crap, hitting the fan and getting separated and divorced, I wouldn't be able to give women hope on the level that I'm able to now like we were really like right there, like looking up the legal fees to divorce. If we had just had a few struggles here and there, like I'd still be able to help some people maybe but not on the level I amKelsey Smith:
now. Yeah, yeah. And allowing yourself to heal before supporting others, right, because it's a lot easier to support someone when you've already worked through your things. Rather than being in it with them, you can go back and you can remember how things felt. And you can see clear as day really where your client is at when you're supporting them. But you're not coming out of a conversation from last night with no skills to be able to handle that and be able to support someone else. And I think that's really important. I think sometimes people hear this work, and it changes them in month one. And they're like, this is great. I want to share it with the world. And that's great. You should share it with the world. But make sure that you've hit that next step before you maybe you're supporting someone else. Is there any way that you would give feedback on that not even to a client perspective of someone going into the business but before you start coaching friends and family and significant others on the modalities you're learning? How do you recommend like getting yourself enough through the process that you're good first, your own oxygen mask?:
Is such a good question and like it's exactly what you said enough through the process because we are always healing and I think one of the most beautiful things about getting to lead with my worst foot forward and still be like a healing work in process. That's really powerful. My clients will tell me they love when I am still sharing my struggles and The fights that we'll have with my husband, but then how to repair them after stuff like that you're never gonna be like I have arrived. And now I'm ready to share this message. But I think it's that that enough point is just in my coach, my business coach Kelly Brock show, he says, wait until you're not waist deep in the struggle, wait until you're like ankle deep to be able to share. And so even when I'm vulnerable on social media, I'll ask myself, like, Am I like really swimming in this right now? Or is this kind of ankle deep, like I can still feel it and go back to it if I need to tap into those emotions, but I've really risen above this, that image has has helped me work through it enough where you're not in the middle of really being triggered by it. Feeling it? I couldn't have started this kind of business when we're in those like early days of still, it's very a freshKelsey Smith:
raw wound. Yeah, so good. Well, Becky, I could talk to you all day, we're definitely gonna have to have a follow up. This is such a good conversation, tell all of our listeners where they can find you where you are on the internet. And of course, hopping over to your podcast, the breakthrough blueprint.:
Yeah, on Instagram at Rebecca Lee Asti, and then your breakthrough blueprint streaming on all major platforms.Kelsey Smith:
And of course, we'll link all of that below. I want to know what is the goal that you currently have you guys have worked through so much, you're supporting so many people, you're in the thick of it of motherhood, what are some things that you're currently excited about, or a goal that you're working on?:
Your audience will appreciate this. So I had 10 pound babies, and I had diastasis recti, where your abs rip apart. And umbilical hernia, not q, I pee every time I run or sneeze, right. And so I've finally after seven years of after giving birth to my first child, I hired a postpartum coach. And I'm going to be working with her for the next three months to heal all of the ways my body has changed and really not been able to be strengthened again. So I'm really excited for healing my body now.Kelsey Smith:
I love that, that is so good. Thank you so much. And everybody, please go check out all the resources from Becky, I also just want to end this with saying you don't have to have one thing we didn't get into today that we'll have to talk about is you don't have to have such big problems are such big trauma in your life or relationship to be supported by these modalities. It can be something that you're just not feeling right. And it can be so many different things. So before we end today, I'd love for you to just speak to that, Becky to understand that it doesn't have to be such a big issue or such a big problem and how you can receive support if you're just like feeling off. Yeah, one example:
I'll just speak to with this. I have some clients that come in, a lot of my clients come in and they're like intimacy, there's so many blocks in the bedroom. Like he tries to touch me and I flinch like why. And then so there's some where there's this obvious connection for them where they've been through sexual trauma, and they're like, Oh, no wonder that doesn't feel like a safe space for me. There's others that they don't have that big T trauma, that big, traumatic event. And so they wonder what's wrong with me? Like, why am I still feeling disconnected from my husband, whether it's physically with intimacy, or just emotionally or communications off. And so all are welcome. And so much of it on both sides is like the D shaming that we were talking about earlier. But all of us have different stories. And we're really good at comparing our wounds to each other. Oh, mine isn't as bad as hers. We bust a lot of those myths in there and know that like we're all going through our own pain and there's no point and there's no help in creating like levels out of it. It's just you're feeling this you're feeling off. So you deserve to clear this from your energy, energy, anything negative. Like you don't have to live with it, you can repairKelsey Smith:
it. So good. Thanks so much Vikki well, but so many links in the show notes make sure you grab those because you only get one life to live. So let's have it feel a little bit better. You your story and what you have to offer this world builds me up. I want to meet you join me on Instagram at this is Kelsey Smith. And let's create a ripple effect for mamas with goals together is better