With a mixture of humor and confrontation, we build on the last two episodes, getting down to the business of setting some self-care challenges for one another based on what we know about each other. Self-care is so much more than mere coping skills. Join us as we face some vulnerabilities and fears and walk our unique paths to wellness, together.
Just a Note: this is an uncensored show full of our personal opinions. So you will hear us cuss sometimes.
We keep our community and show ad free and open to helpers, your investment will help to directly build the brave space we all need. Support Being the Work by
And remember, we're not YOUR helpers. Everything here is our opinion and is intended to support you, not give professional advice. Get the help you need, when you need it, where you need it. Here are a few resources for mental health support for you and those you love:
National Alliance on Mental Illness
I
2
:thought we came to the conclusion that
3
:I was a four
4
:Blakely: You are a
5
:Ben: of
6
:Blakely: dicky.
7
:Ben: Motivations and not because the
Stabile book is like, the behavior is
8
:super, like it is on point for me, but
9
:Blakely: behaviorally, with nine, right?
10
:Ben: yes,
11
:yes,
12
:Blakely: Motivation.
13
:And she specifically says that's
what confuses me when she even talks.
14
:She specifically says the
motivation is the key.
15
:There will be a lot of different ways
that that shows up different ways.
16
:People behave motivation key, but
then she'll give you a list of
17
:a lot of different ways that
18
:that are behaviors.
19
:different ways People behave motivation
key but then she'll give you a
20
:list of
21
:Ben: about,
22
:Blakely: that are behaviors.
23
:Ben: I think Aiden.
24
:the difference between you were
talking about Aiden and how comfort
25
:Blakely: because I was talking about
26
:Ben: like you could
27
:see the difference between his motivations
for comfort and my motivations for
28
:significance and from the really
harshness yeah, Not like, moving away
29
:from the really harshness of life.
30
:Um, cause I sort of romanticize
the, uh, wonder and the pain of
31
:life.
32
:Blakely: struggle.
33
:Ben: Mm hmm.
34
:And then, yeah.
35
:Blakely: I like in this book that I
use the S the essential Enneagram,
36
:Ben: Uh huh.
37
:Blakely: it has at the top of each
number, the basic proposition,
38
:which is this three piece thing.
39
:It's like the fundamental principle
I lost sight of early in life
40
:what I came to believe instead.
41
:And then the adaptive strategy I
developed as a result of this belief.
42
:So it gives you that, like, I
came to believe I missed this like
43
:core tenant of human existence.
44
:Or like I had something happen
to me that challenged it.
45
:I came to believe something else Or
and then developed a strategy to get
46
:through life I came to believe something
And so the way it breaks that down.
47
:and then I see it resonating a ton
with myself in confirming my eightness,
48
:especially after going off of last
week when I had a really down, like
49
:I really kind of paid attention
to myself and kind of stress mode.
50
:especially after going off of last
week when I had a And the way that
51
:that energy flow switches when I'm
good and when I'm not good, I feel that
52
:Ben: Yeah.
53
:What, what's the
54
:Blakely: good.
55
:And I lean into five when I'm not
56
:good.
57
:And it makes
58
:so much sense I feel that
59
:because nurturing too is,
well, the five is the.
60
:And it makes so much Uh, the, that's my
61
:the
62
:nurturing
63
:Ben: the,
64
:Blakely: stuff.
65
:Ben: um, I only have
this much energy at all.
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:So I'm only using Right.
67
:It's
68
:Blakely: a closing in.
69
:Ben: um I only have this
much energy at all So I'm
70
:only using it for specific
71
:Blakely: a Yes,
72
:I'm
73
:Ben: anything else that
encroaches on that is a no.
74
:Mm
75
:Blakely: a general flow, when I'm doing
pretty well or pretty average or whatever,
76
:eights tend to have a lot more energy.
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:And mine isn't necessarily physical, but
I tend to have a ton of mental energy.
78
:or pretty average or It can
go a lot of different places.
79
:It can shift gears quickly
and that I've, it like
80
:dissipated
81
:it can go a lot of different
places It all I could do was
82
:Ben: four
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:the
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:Blakely: dissipated
85
:Ben: stress and success
86
:Blakely: and all I could do was
87
:Ben: for the four might actually
help me understand further.
88
:Blakely: Yeah, I, I find that with myself.
89
:So for you, that would be
insecurity, a one, so more of a,
90
:um, a perfectionist and achiever
91
:insecurity a one under stress, a two.
92
:So I, when I'm good, I'm a two when
93
:Ben: Okay.
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:Blakely: and under stress People pleasing,
probably, yours would more look when
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:Ben: Sure.
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:Yeah.
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:codependency.
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:Blakely: People pleasing, probably,
yours People pleasing would more look
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:Ben: Yeah.
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:Absolutely.
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:That makes sense.
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:That
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:Blakely: Whereas, which, I didn't
finish, I didn't finish what I was
104
:saying about the basic preposition.
105
:So for a four, the fundamental
principle that you lost sight of early
106
:in life was at the core, everyone
has a deep and deep and complete
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:connection to all others and all things.
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:early in life was at the instead,
you came to believe that people
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:experience a painful their original
to all others and all things instead
110
:you came to believe that people
experience a painful instead you
111
:came to believe that people experience a
their original connections, leaving them
112
:feeling abandoned and feeling that missing
something learning to keep searching for
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:ideal love or perfect circumstance to make
feel loved, whole, and complete again.
114
:I developed feelings of longing
and envy for what was missing.
115
:or perfect circumstance to make feel loved
whole and complete As opposed to a nine.
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:and envy for what missing
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:and they're not that
drastically different.
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:As opposed to a
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:nine Huh.
120
:and they're not
121
:that drastically different similar.
122
:So nine's last side of everyone belongs
equally in a state of unconditional love
123
:and union and instead came to believe
that the world makes people unimportant or
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:Ben: Wow.
125
:Yeah,
126
:Blakely: making comfort and belonging
a substitute for love and work.
127
:came to believe that the world
makes unimportant or strategy is
128
:through inertia through inertia
toward my own self and priorities.
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:I forgot myself and merged with others.
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:I substituted in essentials
and small comforts for my real
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:Ben: I feel like
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:Blakely: my own self and priorities
I forgot myself and merged with
133
:others I substituted in essentials
and small comforts for my real
134
:Ben: I feel like the, when we
talk about like deeper, more like
135
:meaningful, motivational things, um,
the four rings a bell deeper in my.
136
:My stomach and my gut, like it, it,
it rings more bells, but then like the
137
:description of nines, that's, it's spot
on, like it's absolutely describes what
138
:I did, but not necessarily like how I
felt or like the, the why behind the how,
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:Blakely: Well, and that's at its face.
140
:They're similar experiences.
141
:Losing sight of a sense of equal
belonging and unconditional
142
:love as opposed to experiences
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:losing sight of a deep and complete
connection to all others and all things.
144
:Like those sound really similar
to But the subtle difference there
145
:is and complete connection to
146
:Ben: Hmm
147
:Blakely: the subtle difference there is
148
:Ben: say those replacement beliefs again.
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:Hmm
150
:Blakely: connections.
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:Um, Lee, let's see, people
experience a painful loss of their
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:original connections, leaving them
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:Ben: Sure, sure.
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:Blakely: feeling like
they are missing something
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:important.
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:Lee see So fours maintain that
sense of longing, whereas nines,
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:like missing something nines
lean into blending in and
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:using comfort and a sense of
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:that sense of longing the sense of
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:love and worth
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:is missing.
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:Ben: Yeah.
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:Blakely: nines lean into blending
in and using comfort and a sense of
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:Ben: Yeah, I would Yeah, I think
that that's, that's confusing
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:Blakely: the
166
:Ben: But Yeah, no, I did both Yeah
I think that that's that's confusing
167
:Blakely: the sense
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:Ben: But I do think, if I were to just
strip aside all of the things I do, and
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:really look at what is inside of me.
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:Comfort is not the, the law.
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:Comfort's not the longing.
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:Like that's it's not the motivation.
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:Yeah, it's not the motivation.
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:Blakely: Because if you were to answer,
if you were to finish the sentence,
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:I do everything I can to avoid what?
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:What Because do you avoid at all costs?
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:What sensations, what
experiences, what emotions?
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:what What do you avoid at all costs
What What do you avoid at all costs what
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:sensations what experiences what emotions
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:Ben: Rejection, uh, loneliness, shame.
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:Blakely: That's
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:Ben: Rejection?
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:Blakely: laughter, sorry.
184
:said the first thing of one of
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:these.
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:Ben: Oh, really?
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:Blakely: Yes, so I do everything to, I
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:Ben: That's a four,
189
:Blakely: One of them is
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:Ben: Yeah, right,
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:Blakely: other one is being
rejected, abandoned, not heard.
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:to I
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:Ben: That's a four
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:Blakely: One
195
:of
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:Ben: take At least
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:right you were laughing at my
answer I were laughing at I
198
:don't know that you were la
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:I take At least I didn't take it
as you were laughing at my answer.
200
:I were laughing at how clear
it is for being a four.
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:That answer And going, oh,
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:Blakely: aware how that
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:Ben: Yeah
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:Oh, that's so Ben to to say
that answer And duh, this
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:Blakely: very aware of how that
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:Ben: Yeah
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:Blakely: I was laughing at
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:Ben: right,
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:Blakely: I was just having a
210
:Ben: is,
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:Blakely: aware of the,
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:Ben: is
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:the
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:no,
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:Blakely: what I was laughing at
216
:Ben: right low hanging fruit
that if someone was wanting to
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:hate
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:Blakely: the
219
:Ben: is the they loved that me go
low hanging fruit that if someone was
220
:wanting to hate and they loved me, is
a fuck Blakely, but, but, retriever
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:that For me, like this is a safe place.
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:I know that I'm a golden
retriever that just
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:Blakely: Oh my gosh.
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:Ben: And you know that too.
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:So, uh, I accept that about myself.
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:And I long for connection and meaning
and joy people I love and I care about.
227
:And Yeah, uh, feeling ousted, or left, or
rejected is some of the worst, uh, like,
228
:um, most lonely experience I can feel.
229
:Like, yeah, those are sort of the
key, when I look back at like, like,
230
:key moments in my life, those are it.
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:Like, I've got Four, three or four,
just right off the top of my head.
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:That.
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:Yep.
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:Blakely: mean, on the more
strength oriented side of it all,
235
:I guess, the, mean the thing that,
236
:I feel most resonant like personally
in terms of the either or that you're
237
:kind of the either/or that you have
been weighing out with this is that
238
:like personally I also think
you have more for energy because
239
:you're more future oriented
240
:I also we riff and vibe on the
could happen what could do and we
241
:and that's super for energy.
242
:the Nines are concerned
with staying comfortable.
243
:Ben: that I've, I mean,
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:Blakely: thing
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:energy
246
:Ben: stasis that want to keep is like
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:Blakely: staying comfortable
248
:Ben: I don't that the relationships
249
:Blakely: thing
250
:Ben: I think the stasis that want to
251
:keep is like the, the comfort
of the relationships I have.
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:And I want to deepen those,
not necessarily stay just
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:in comfort for myself.
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:Like, I've never done that, necessarily.
255
:Like, every few years I, like,
am looking for big changes.
256
:And that's,
257
:Blakely: Well, and just
the, the capacity to
258
:Ben: right.
259
:Blakely: and brainstorm, I, as someone who
does that seemingly all the fucking time.
260
:Ben: right
261
:Blakely: and Notice it when I
run into someone else who has it.
262
:And I think, I think it's a super
eight and super four commonality.
263
:Whereas where they don't feel like, like
the energies are very different, but that
264
:Ben: And that's we
265
:Blakely: things and to pursue things
and to better the future, in a
266
:Ben: When
267
:Blakely: feel like like the
268
:Ben: do uh the tasks
269
:and that's we
270
:Blakely: things and to pursue
things and to better the future in a
271
:Ben: When we weren't wanting to do,
uh, the tasks we were supposed to be
272
:Blakely: Which you would think is super
273
:Ben: But I was also, I also
274
:when I took the Enneagram, but yeah, I
275
:Blakely: that was never actually
276
:Ben: I
277
:Blakely: the
278
:Ben: I
279
:was also I also when I took the not
when I took the Enneagram but yeah I
280
:Blakely: that was never actually
281
:Ben: I
282
:Blakely: the thing I
283
:Ben: I didn't understand, you know, I
thought it was the same as like MBTI and,
284
:and StrengthsFinder and this stuff, but I
did, I didn't think I, I didn't question
285
:the nine result because of like how, Okay.
286
:So like the Strengths, the
StrengthsFinder really, I mean, it gave
287
:me my top five and I did this idea.
288
:sat down and it was like, empathy,
and context, and, Oh, just all
289
:these, all these, strategic thinking.
290
:Like, empathy was number one, and then
there was like, four strategic thinking.
291
:Blakely: well, and you had learner,
292
:Ben: yes.
293
:Blakely: is different than mine
because it's learning for learning sake
294
:Ben: in this like I am
295
:Right.
296
:Right.
297
:Blakely: is different than mine
because it's learning for learning sake
298
:Ben: I took a lot of pride in this,
like, I am empathetic, because
299
:I was, like, I had real lived
life experience of that, right?
300
:But it wasn't, anyways, so all of that
didn't, it made me not question Right
301
:Blakely: level quiz, got a surface
level result took it at surface level.
302
:As you're getting through some of this,
303
:are you
304
:Ben: Because, am.
305
:Because my empathy,
306
:Blakely: Or are those one
307
:Ben: my empathy
308
:Blakely: are you
309
:Ben: Because am Because my empathy
310
:Blakely: Or are those one
311
:Ben: my empathy is filtered
312
:Blakely: What is that?
313
:Ben: my lived experience of
the person in the moment and
314
:my ability to think about it.
315
:Cause like, I mean, we've talked about
this before like, you are more cognitively
316
:empathetic And I'm more effectively
or emotionally empathetic where I
317
:feel what the other person is feeling.
318
:And I get, I sense the vibe more than
I put the puzzle pieces together of
319
:cognition, if that makes any sense.
320
:Like,
321
:Blakely: feels a very
imagination land place,
322
:Ben: I can sense body language than I
323
:Blakely: I I
324
:Ben: People's stories
325
:Blakely: land place
326
:Ben: I can sense body
language a lot better than I
327
:Blakely: I I,
328
:Ben: People's stories
together, if that makes sense.
329
:Blakely: Well, and I don't think I'm
not, like, intuitive or perceptive.
330
:I feel like I have that, but it
is related more to this constant
331
:Ben: But think, that's
the, difference is is
332
:Blakely: absorption
333
:Ben: I think difference, at
But think that's the I think
334
:that's the difference is is
335
:Blakely: absorption
336
:Ben: I think difference at least the way
I'm understanding it right now, is that
337
:your energy is push forward and get to
solutions and understand what's happening
338
:and Um, put the puzzle pieces together.
339
:kind of Like, right, yes,
and effective, quickly.
340
:Like, let's just keep, snap, snap,
move, move, move, kind of energy.
341
:And
342
:Blakely: like, effective
343
:Ben: if I'm speaking DBT
language, emotion mind driven
344
:is more
345
:Blakely: like effective
346
:Ben: if I'm speaking DBT language
emotion mind driven And reason
347
:mind informed, if that makes sense.
348
:So, like, I, the main engine of my
understanding is closeness and body
349
:language and affect oriented things,
where Yours is more reason mind oriented
350
:things using some affect to inform,
not necessarily other way around.
351
:So mine is immediacy, like the actual
clinical interventions I'm using
352
:is a lot of body oriented immediacy
oriented body language, things to help
353
:me gain context to what's going on.
354
:And then I think about their story after
I know how it feels in that moment.
355
:And then I bring reflections of
meaning and content together.
356
:So, anyways, all, like I'm sound,
making it sound like I've done this
357
:strategically, but I, I haven't actually
thought about it all like this I the
358
:book stuff and going it's my lived
experience with, you know, after
359
:learning all the book stuff and then
going through the internship stuff and
360
:then the thousands of hours of therapy.
361
:facilitated.
362
:This is now my description of my
life or my lived experience with it.
363
:And so, no, I think, I think that the
four, and I like this because I've been
364
:doing a lot of the compassion work and
stripping away some of the concepts and
365
:facades that I've, I've built up over the
years and just Being able to settle in and
366
:say, no, it's not that you're just super
empathetic and you've got this skill.
367
:That's amazing.
368
:It's you're actually the antenna for
sensitivity is everywhere in your life.
369
:And this is the way that you've
you've decided to employ it.
370
:Uh, for this bigger which sounds, as I'm
saying it, sounds very much like a four.
371
:Right?
372
:Like, I am so, so sensitive
to everything in my life.
373
:I just want to make a difference and,
374
:Blakely: Of
375
:Ben: yeah,
376
:so I think we've settled on it.
377
:I'm a four.
378
:Blakely: Of course
379
:Ben: I'm a four.
380
:recommendations did you say?
381
:You said prepared to Mm did
you say You said prepared to
382
:talk about recommendations.
383
:Like, what?
384
:Mm
385
:Blakely: of my mind, the last conversation
we had and sort of meandering through
386
:the sense of So I've I don't what
your energy is and where it goes and
387
:what your blind spots tend to be.
388
:And these different pieces that I
know kind of make you up and the
389
:things that I know motivate you.
390
:And it's just fun to
get out of my own head.
391
:And I think we have this kind of
like opposite sides of the magnet
392
:And it's just fun to get out
393
:of And so, And I think we yeah, I just
want to tell you to do a bunch of shit
394
:you don't want to of the magnet thing make
395
:Ben: Yeah and
396
:Blakely: Isn't that what I signed
up to do with my entire profession?
397
:Now I just get to
398
:do it to you.
399
:Ben: Right,
400
:Blakely: make
401
:Ben: Yeah and automatically
I'm going, I can't
402
:Blakely: Isn't that what I
signed up to do with my entire
403
:profession Now I just get Ugh!
404
:I know, and I have to run through
that filter too, of like, I can't,
405
:push harder than I'm willing to be pushed.
406
:But I feel like we're ready.
407
:We're good.
408
:too of like And I decided
was gonna kind of level it.
409
:So, I had a great AP English
teacher in high school.
410
:that And one of our big projects was
Memorizing a Shakespearean monologue,
411
:And one
412
:of
413
:Ben: that's
414
:Blakely: projects was
415
:you, ahead of time, I'm not
making you memorize the monologue
416
:Stay
417
:Ben: say, I don't know that that's gonna
418
:Blakely: you
419
:Ben: Ah.
420
:Blakely: me.
421
:but what he did
422
:Ben: Uh
423
:Blakely: we choose the level.
424
:you want to see, you can choose one
of these shorter If you want to be,
425
:Ben: Uh
426
:Blakely: right?
427
:I mean, I'm an A bitch.
428
:I did a long ass monologue If
429
:Ben: give me some
430
:Blakely: Lady Macbeth shit.
431
:Yeah,
432
:Ben: you're gonna give me some
433
:Blakely: I mean I'm an a
434
:bitch
435
:Ben: do you wanna be,
436
:Blakely: know you won't
like, don't need a grade, but
437
:Ben: you're gonna give me some choice.
438
:Blakely: the point
439
:Ben: How how do you wanna
440
:be
441
:Blakely: I know
442
:you won't like you some things that I
feel could be beneficial or motivating,
443
:Ben: Mm
444
:Blakely: some but that you avoid
or don't seem to lean into.
445
:Ben: hmm.
446
:Blakely: Cause was thinking about but
that mindfulness to me relates to self
447
:care and the how and what of mindfulness
is why I was trying to remember those
448
:Cause I was thinking about sort of kind
of what I was angling these around.
449
:So observe, describe, participate of
is why I was trying to nonjudgmentally,
450
:one mindfully and effectively.
451
:these around And I feel like you
observe constantly and naturally.
452
:and effectively So that's not the
piece of self care I'm pushing for
453
:naturally like Describe is just, you
know, a daily of what we do anyway.
454
:of self care I'm pushing for
455
:feel like Ben is a four
with nine behaviors.
456
:He feels very deeply and does not
like to leave his comfort zone.
457
:is a four with behaviors
458
:And I just feel like like
to leave his comfort zone
459
:effectively, non judgmentally, and one
mindfully diving into participating
460
:in something would be great.
461
:and one And you know that thing where
I said, why the fuck do I always
462
:great either intense survival
or intense drama shows?
463
:And Ben only watches funny always
464
:Ben: Yeah?
465
:Okay.
466
:Blakely: don't know if Ben
knows where I'm going with this.
467
:But if you want to get an A,
468
:Ben only watches funny have your homework.
469
:Ben: Okay
470
:Blakely: don't know if Ben knows where
I want you if you want to get an A
471
:Ben: ho ho ho ho god okay
472
:Blakely: improv
473
:I want you
474
:Ben: ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
ho ho ho ho ho ho ho god, okay.
475
:Blakely: improv class.
476
:This is the pinnacle of my
477
:Ben: class
478
:Blakely: Do It
479
:Ben: Okay.
480
:Blakely: dreams.
481
:This is the
482
:pinnacle of my
483
:Ben: Improv
484
:Blakely: you can just like, go
485
:Ben: Oh
486
:Blakely: dreams
487
:Ben: go to a show.
488
:Blakely: I know a woman on
an improv an improv troupe
489
:Ben: Okay.
490
:Blakely: is
491
:Ben: Honestly, the Organizing all of the
schedule to figure that out is the, the,
492
:at least the initial discomfort, but
493
:I
494
:Blakely: for the record, I don't
necessarily, maybe I'm getting
495
:ahead of myself, because I don't
consider this, this exercise to be
496
:the one and done and I'll be all do
the thing I tell you to do and then
497
:Ben: yeah,
498
:Blakely: don't even necessarily
499
:Ben: totally get the,
500
:Blakely: I'm suggesting.
501
:Ben: the rationale
502
:Blakely: that that's the
one thing came do and then
503
:when I'm considering these
different pieces suggesting
504
:Ben: the rationale
505
:Blakely: that that's the one
thing came to considering And so
506
:logistics wise I'm here for it.
507
:Ben: yeah, Yeah, yeah.
508
:bit
509
:Blakely: I
510
:Ben: and then as I about it, I think
511
:Blakely: how does that go for
512
:it
513
:Ben: I panic a little bit
514
:Blakely: I
515
:Ben: and then as I about
it I think no, that
516
:Blakely: how does that go for you?
517
:Ben: if I think about it objectively, as
I'm not here cringing in my skin, I think,
518
:yeah, that's a good idea for that person.
519
:and I realize I'm intellectualizing,
to stave off my discomfort about all.
520
:Blakely: we, are, we're
putting should on a shelf.
521
:So whatever I'm saying you
could do isn't even a should.
522
:It's an example of the energy
I would love to you embrace.
523
:Which is humor and Getting uncomfy for
524
:Ben: which I feel
525
:Blakely: I would love to you embrace
Which is humor and Getting uncomfy for
526
:Ben: which I feel like I have,
I definitely feel like I have
527
:access to, and I have done before,
particularly when I was, when
528
:Blakely: gonna go to stuff thought about.
529
:Ben: a
530
:pediatric clinician.
531
:a
532
:Blakely: ding ding!
533
:ding!
534
:I was next door.
535
:I heard all of the
536
:Ben: Yeah, Yes
537
:Blakely: blast.
538
:A lot.
539
:Ben: I did have a
540
:Blakely: Ding
541
:ding
542
:Ben: No you didn't.
543
:You didn't.
544
:I, I was sad.
545
:I well as
546
:Blakely: I don't know that I had as much
547
:Ben: with No You
548
:didn't You didn't I I was sad
I was next to you as well as
549
:Blakely: I don't know that I had as much
550
:Ben: as annoyed with you or I'm just
sorry as annoyed as you were with me.
551
:I felt sad for you.
552
:At level, because you were just
sitting there, and while I was
553
:doing, Yes, and, uh, the, uh, someone
554
:Blakely: I recall,
yelling about their mom a
555
:Ben: as
556
:Yes and the someone
557
:Blakely: I recall
yelling about their mom a
558
:Ben: as well.
559
:Blakely: Oh, yeah.
560
:yeah.
561
:That wasn't a regular,
562
:Ben: No, no, no, that
563
:was just one incident.
564
:Blakely: Yeah This is why they shouldn't
put pediatric next door to the walk
565
:Ben: Walk in crisis.
566
:Blakely: Yes, it was, uh, sometimes.
567
:This is why we expressed
some concern about it.
568
:to walk
569
:Because I think maybe my clients
traumatized your clients a little extra.
570
:it is why we expressed some concern
about it that is something that I was
571
:thinking about, is what could I put
together in my mind, at least in my
572
:imagination, without asking you directly?
573
:What's what And it just
seems like silliness.
574
:Life has
575
:gotten really serious.
576
:Ben: has
577
:Blakely: And it just seems like the
little moments, like you're not seeing
578
:Ben: you?
579
:know we did
580
:Blakely: Not little, Not younger ones
581
:Ben: No, ones
582
:that I would
583
:Blakely: the little
moments you're not seeing
584
:Ben: you know we did
585
:Blakely: Not little not younger ones
586
:Ben: folding paper airplanes
and, uh, laughing yoga and, come
587
:up with plays or little skits.
588
:So, yeah, for sure.
589
:I, I'm not opposed to it.
590
:I'm not opposed to it.
591
:I do think I need some of your,
your social work help to get
592
:some resources together for that.
593
:So if, you are willing to help me, then
sure, I'll, I'll definitely look into it.
594
:And then, I will your help to actually
follow through with it, but right now,
595
:no, I'm not totally opposed to that.
596
:kind of, I am kind of excited
597
:as well as scared with Yeah.
598
:Yeah, yeah.
599
:Blakely: Okay.
600
:Ben: Okay.
601
:Mm hmm.
602
:hmm.
603
:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
604
:Okay, so, is there anything else?
605
:Does you have anything else?
606
:Blakely: easier that I
think we should do anyway.
607
:Which was less whimsy, but still
the, like, you get uncomfortable
608
:and participate because we've
talked a little bit about a
609
:couple of organizations near us
610
:Ben: Mm hmm.
611
:Blakely: um, the like you get
uncomfortable actual meditation classes
612
:Ben: would, uh, yeah.
613
:mean,
614
:Blakely: us
615
:Ben: Mm hmm together.
616
:Blakely: I would like for us to
just do that anyway, probably
617
:classes
618
:Ben: would uh yeah mean
619
:Blakely: And so I went with something
little bit silly and fun, but I
620
:think that's an important one anyway.
621
:And it's one I want to do anyway.
622
:Um,
623
:Ben: think would already like to do that
624
:Blakely: but I think
625
:that's B grade option, to do anyway
626
:but I just think Um,
627
:Ben: think would already
628
:like to do that for a B grade.
629
:Blakely: B grade.
630
:option,
631
:Ben: how I've operated
632
:Blakely: It's a D.
633
:Ben: That's fine.
634
:D.
635
:is on the way an A, which
636
:is how I've operated
637
:Blakely: It's D.
638
:Ben: You know, after realizing I have
ADHD, inattentive to be specific, I
639
:realized that throughout all of my
schooling, I sat next to either two
640
:people, the smart kids that helped me
actually achieve a good grade, or the
641
:silly kids that I had a lot of fun with.
642
:in my master's degree,
funnily enough, I had both.
643
:Um, had a fellow ADH, ADH doer.
644
:that we had the passion and
the drive and the enthusiasm.
645
:but then we, we both, one of our friends
was also, more neurotypical, you know.
646
:But, anyways, uh, where
was I going with that?
647
:Fuck.
648
:Um,
649
:Blakely: For real, uh,
we were talking about
650
:Ben: Yes grades.
651
:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
652
:So, the the perfectionism came
strategic for me to get good grades,
653
:but once, once it got into just
things I was really interested in,
654
:I was able be a better achiever.
655
:Anyways, so this sort of ties in.
656
:I'm going to do sort of like a,
a, a mangled segue into what I'm,
657
:Blakely: how that helps.
658
:Ben: what I was thinking about for you,
659
:if, uh, you're ready.
660
:So, as I have, over the few years,
as I have sort of deconstructed my
661
:Achiever Perfectionism, and have, been
more gentle and compassionate with
662
:myself, it's definitely a practice.
663
:It's not a, it's not something
that I get perfectly.
664
:But it's definitely, when I'm able to get
there, I remember what, progress I've had.
665
:So, can you help me remember
some of the eight stuff?
666
:I can't remember.
667
:I think the Virgo was The
energy that I felt from our last
668
:conversation is, uh, very much a No?
669
:What are you?
670
:Capricorn.
671
:to remember exactly and Capricorn.
672
:Okay, well, so that's not a great start
to remember exactly what Hehehehehehe
673
:means but
674
:Blakely: no
675
:Ben: I don't know what that,
676
:I don't know what that means but
uh, I have feeling I'll learn.
677
:Blakely: I don't have any close to me.
678
:It's just all that I am aware
679
:Ben: Okay.
680
:So let's see.
681
:Blakely: don't have any close to me.
682
:It's just all that I am aware
683
:Ben: Okay, so eights, they're
intense, they drive forward, they're
684
:about effectiveness, get shit done.
685
:They don't mind fighting fights advocating
for things that need to be accomplished.
686
:They are really avoidant with
vulnerability and use anger.
687
:Like, they filter their
vulnerabilities into anger to
688
:push forward and to make progress.
689
:And whatever moon sign or sun
sign or whatever we want to call
690
:it, it was very much around that.
691
:You said Sagittarius and Capricorn?
692
:Is that
693
:Blakely: Mm hmm.
694
:Yeah.
695
:Ben: So you're like a
696
:cusper, I guess, is what I think you
697
:said.
698
:Blakely: Yeah.
699
:it's weird because I'm December 21st and
700
:most things say Sagittarius.
701
:Every once in a while start on December
702
:Ben: Ates
703
:Blakely: most say Sagittarius
704
:Every once in a while 21st.
705
:Ben: Ates are also uh, loyal, but
distrusting, and sort of rigid
706
:with that, very protective of
themselves and the people they love.
707
:Blakely: Do you want that basic
proposition thing for the eight?
708
:Ben: that'd be good.
709
:Blakely: The fundamental principle
I lost sight of is everyone begins
710
:in innocence, coming freshly to
each moment, and everyone can sense
711
:principle is Which I will just
say, everyone can sense truth.
712
:I already want to
713
:sense
714
:Ben: Right.
715
:smarter Well yeah,
716
:Blakely: I'm trying to just read Not
even that I'm smarter than everybody.
717
:I don't even know if
718
:Ben: trust anyone
719
:Blakely: but I don't
feel like everyone can.
720
:Ben: no
721
:Blakely: I'm trying just read
Not even that I'm smarter than
722
:everybody I don't
723
:even know if
724
:Ben: trust anyone
725
:Blakely: but I don't feel like everyone
726
:can to
727
:Ben: astrology too.
728
:I also, also, like, I that was the
729
:Blakely: I'm trying to
730
:Ben: astrology too I am seeking and
when I find I hold strong to it.
731
:So, you lost sight that everyone begins
in innocence and can sense truth.
732
:Blakely: Yes.
733
:What I came to believe instead is
it is a hard and unjust world in
734
:take advantage of
735
:which must be resisted.
736
:is it is a
737
:hard know that?
738
:world in
739
:take advantage
740
:Ben: No!
741
:Blakely: which must
742
:be
743
:Ben: of
744
:Blakely: Are you looking around?
745
:Ben: this is
746
:Blakely: know that
747
:Ben: it
748
:Blakely: I can't
749
:Ben: that This is part of
750
:Blakely: Are you looking around
751
:Ben: when people don't see it
752
:Blakely: I can't stop.
753
:Ben: you are just disoriented.
754
:mine mine
755
:Blakely: glaringly
756
:Ben: exactly.
757
:exactly.
758
:So,
759
:Blakely: you want my
adaptive strategy real It's
760
:other
761
:Ben: let's go with that.
762
:Blakely: I learned to become strong
and powerful by imposing my own truth
763
:and by hiding my vulnerability in
order to protect myself and others and
764
:to gain respect and a sense of worth.
765
:I developed a forceful, big,
766
:lustful energy.
767
:energy and came to rely
on my own instincts.
768
:a sense of worth I developed a forceful
769
:Ben: sounds lonely
770
:Blakely: energy just
771
:Ben: the
772
:Blakely: own instincts
773
:and came to rely on
774
:Ben: your own strength.
775
:And power to impose your truth, to
protect your vulnerability, to protect
776
:other people, to gain respect and worth,
and you've learned to rely on your
777
:own sense of intellect If I stay in
the same sort of advice structure over
778
:the mindfulness skills from I like it.
779
:you either sit still observe, you
get active and describe, or you get
780
:more active and you participate.
781
:all the what skills.
782
:So, non judgment is a skill
that you struggle with.
783
:To take that further into
acceptance is even harder.
784
:Particularly when it's, when
it's like, when you aren't in
785
:an influential role, right?
786
:So like, when you're, when you are your
social work self, and you are helping
787
:someone you are in the influence.
788
:And so, Uh accept it's, it's very
easy for you to, accept and not
789
:judge people who are either in their
weakness or in their innocence.
790
:You are willing to be strong
with them, them, lend them some
791
:of your strength to help them.
792
:But when it's just you, and your
worldview up against the world, laughter
793
:so one
794
:So, I, I think where I'm
going with this is, um, see.
795
:So one is
796
:I don't know how to say this,
so I'm just gonna say it.
797
:vulnerability
798
:To non judgmentally
observe your vulnerability
799
:Blakely: Okay,
800
:Ben: Mwahahahaha!
801
:Blakely: sounds like a thing
that is, would be done.
802
:Ben: what do you, what?
803
:then
804
:Blakely: a, like a, a thing
that would be done, but
805
:done
806
:Ben: A thing that would be done.
807
:You're asking
808
:inaccessible, It's like what the
809
:Blakely: a thing seemingly Yes.
810
:Seemingly inaccessible.
811
:Ben: Yes, the idea here is
inaccessible It's like what the, fuck
812
:Blakely: seemingly
813
:And this is, oh my God, this
814
:Ben: Well think mean if I it into
active if I put it into active
815
:Blakely: to be
816
:this
817
:Ben: Well think the I mean I put it
into active if I put it into active
818
:Blakely: to be
819
:Ben: rather than I
820
:Blakely: is such
821
:Ben: accept your vulnerability rather
than just protect your vulnerability.
822
:And so, something scared of is
something that needs to be experienced.
823
:And challenge, like, the judgment of
such needs to be challenged and embraced.
824
:The, the essence of this suggestion
is you don't have to fight yourself
825
:and your own fear and vulnerability.
826
:There's so much out there already.
827
:Like, okay, so if I take this backwards.
828
:Blakely: Mm
829
:Ben: begins in innocence
and can sense truth.
830
:There was at some point that
that was, easy truth for you, as
831
:a little baby, I would imagine.
832
:then you realize that the powerful
take advantage of the weak.
833
:And so you had to build your own power.
834
:But the message learned was I have
to extinguish vulnerability, right?
835
:you know, I'm calling bullshit on that.
836
:I think this is something that you
already know how to do because I've
837
:seen it in you, particularly when
are the one in the power or the
838
:influence when giving it to others.
839
:Like, you are helping others, you're
lending them your power and your
840
:influence and your strength and
character to help them out of their
841
:weakness and out of their vulnerability.
842
:you're able to be there in
loving presence with them.
843
:And that's what I'm wanting for you.
844
:it can heal some of wounds
of you abandoning yourself.
845
:As a little baby when you were saying I
had to find my own strength to control my
846
:own vulnerability to oppose the powerful
in this world so that I can protect
847
:myself and protect the ones I love.
848
:it feels like a split.
849
:compassion
850
:To me, it's like the stitching
together of you having self compassion
851
:Blakely: Mm
852
:Ben: That's sort of the
essence of what I'm suggesting.
853
:What are your initial reactions
beside, uh, a thing that can be done.
854
:Blakely: Well, it's just, yeah, sure,
of course, that makes sense, but
855
:I'm not going to, and I don't know
856
:Ben: it's it's definitely
857
:Blakely: yep, I mean, it's easy, it's
actually easy to say, yeah, yeah, I'm
858
:gonna do that, I'm not going I don't know
859
:Ben: it's it's definitely
860
:Blakely: what, and that's,
that's just my authentic, like,
861
:I'm gonna do that
862
:sounds like an easy thing to say
you're going to do because it's just
863
:a, like a, the spirit of it all.
864
:And sure.
865
:I love my vulnerability.
866
:No, I don't.
867
:to say you're going to do because
868
:it's just a like a the spirit of it all
869
:a bridge.
870
:I don't, I'm not seeing
over No I don't it's
871
:yeah, I see it.
872
:Ben: Yes I okay so I
873
:Blakely: over the can
874
:Ben: Yeah.
875
:problem
876
:Blakely: that
877
:vulnerability and self
878
:yeah I see it
879
:Ben: Yes I okay so I presented
you I presented you the problem
880
:Blakely: that and self
881
:Ben: and the idea of a solution.
882
:But not necessarily how to get there.
883
:Blakely: Where was
884
:Ben: Yeah you're kind of being you're you
885
:Blakely: I'm being
886
:Ben: Acceptance.
887
:Yeah
888
:Blakely: Where was
889
:Ben: Yeah.
890
:you're kind of being an asshole.
891
:Like, you're
892
:Blakely: I'm being
893
:Ben: I mean you are
894
:Blakely: is,
895
:Ben: Which, I,
896
:Blakely: not
897
:Ben: So like no no where it's
898
:Blakely: I know that like, mockery
899
:is my I'm not
900
:and I'm not, I'm just,
901
:Ben: how to doing
902
:and so
903
:Blakely: I have no
904
:fucking
905
:you're talking about.
906
:know
907
:Ben: I'm asking you to do something
908
:Blakely: and I'm not I'm just
909
:Ben: how to do or are comfortable
910
:doing and so
911
:Blakely: no
912
:fucking
913
:Ben: went
914
:into the
915
:Blakely: you just sign up
and pay 30 and you go on the
916
:Ben: to embrace more no you went into the
917
:Blakely: you just sign up
and pay 30 and you go on the
918
:Ben: to embrace more whimsy embrace
919
:more fun do this just like,
920
:Yeah,
921
:pushing back on
922
:Blakely: yes
923
:Ben: No, look
924
:Blakely: in my hand today?
925
:Ben: Look, I'm I'm learning how to do this
just like you're, you're pushing back on
926
:Blakely: today
927
:So how can I have this in my hand today
928
:Ben: Yeah you're like, no, don't explore
this right now, Ben, because if you don't
929
:explore it, I don't have to do anything
930
:Blakely: I'm here for it.
931
:And I don't know how to get there.
932
:And I'm gonna need a, uh, I need a map.
933
:it Because I feel like I definitely feel
the shoulds of I should know how to just
934
:do that because of who I am and what I do.
935
:but the of part
936
:Ben: huh Uh huh
937
:Uh
938
:Blakely: do little hole and
masking it always with other stuff.
939
:And it's a, it's authentically, it's a
lot of what I'm talking about right now.
940
:I find myself in a
941
:Ben: huh
942
:Blakely: in life
943
:Ben: Okay
944
:Blakely: And it's a it's authentically
945
:Ben: Okay So
946
:Pima has
947
:this
948
:Blakely: a
949
:Ben: huh
950
:Blakely: in life
951
:Ben: Okay Okay Okay.
952
:Blakely: mm
953
:Ben: Pema Chodron has this book It's
called The Places That Scare You.
954
:Blakely: mm
955
:Ben: Oh, I guess you're gonna have Right
956
:Blakely: like the only one I don't have.
957
:If that doesn't say
958
:Ben: You're gonna Right Right
959
:Blakely: like over I don't
960
:Ben: So, yes, Pema Chodron book.
961
:It's called The Places That Scare You.
962
:There is, in the seventh chapter,
is called Loving Kindness.
963
:Blakely: yeah, Maitri.
964
:Ben: yes, Maitri.
965
:Um
966
:train
967
:Blakely: my tree
968
:Ben: are so
969
:Blakely: Oh I used to do my
970
:Ben: says We train in seeing that
others are so different from ourselves.
971
:Feels like the original,
Everyone begins in innocence.
972
:for
973
:We train in opening our hearts and minds
in increasingly difficult situations.
974
:for aspiring Bod his sat-vas.
975
:for the aspiring loving kindness
warrior, I think is what.
976
:This is the essential practice to
cultivate loving kindness, open
977
:heartedness, open mindedness, a.
978
:k.
979
:a.
980
:Maitri, in the Shambhala teachings
is called placing our fearful mind
981
:in the cradle of loving kindness.
982
:Another image for Maitri or loving
kindness is that of a mother bird
983
:who protects and cares for her young.
984
:Until they are strong enough to fly away.
985
:People sometimes ask,
who am I in this image?
986
:The mother or the chicks?
987
:The answer is that we are both.
988
:And this is what I mean from the
Enneagram, idea there, that you
989
:were split from this idea that
everyone was born into innocence
990
:and has the ability to see truth.
991
:And I think that.
992
:In that process, you've also lost
the ability to see that your own
993
:vulnerability is not weakness, that your
own vulnerability makes you human and
994
:is a strength and is something that can
be loved on like a baby chick, that you
995
:don't always have to be the mom who is
always protecting and, and caring for.
996
:And I feel like this is very much like
your day to day life, which is all.
997
:always the responsibility on you and
you have to do more shit where I think
998
:Blakely: No because it's on it's
999
:Ben: you to experience
loving kindness for yourself.
:
00:42:51,867 --> 00:42:57,357
So anyway, she, in this, in this
chapter, she goes on to talk about
:
00:42:57,367 --> 00:43:01,382
actual, to cultivate loving kindness.
:
00:43:01,629 --> 00:43:03,309
That's what, that's my suggestion.
:
00:43:03,319 --> 00:43:07,785
And since you've already done it, just
like your suggestion was, uh, for me,
:
00:43:07,825 --> 00:43:12,852
a thing that I'd already done, I think
it's, uh, wonderful and appropriate.
:
00:43:13,443 --> 00:43:14,503
Blakely: Oh my gosh.
:
00:43:15,233 --> 00:43:17,203
There are a couple of things
that it makes me think about.
:
00:43:17,635 --> 00:43:18,595
One being,
:
00:43:19,074 --> 00:43:20,094
Ben: being unclear
:
00:43:21,373 --> 00:43:22,271
Blakely: There are a couple of things
:
00:43:22,271 --> 00:43:22,501
Ben: it
:
00:43:22,751 --> 00:43:23,591
Blakely: sorry for being a dick.
:
00:43:23,870 --> 00:43:24,930
Ben: No, sorry for being
:
00:43:24,991 --> 00:43:25,211
Blakely: No,
:
00:43:25,211 --> 00:43:25,771
actually.
:
00:43:26,421 --> 00:43:26,611
no,
:
00:43:26,611 --> 00:43:27,521
and that's fine.
:
00:43:27,740 --> 00:43:28,520
Ben: appreciate it.
:
00:43:28,770 --> 00:43:28,850
I
:
00:43:29,111 --> 00:43:31,181
Blakely: It wasn't even, it
wasn't even that it was unclear.
:
00:43:31,211 --> 00:43:31,741
It was just.
:
00:43:32,301 --> 00:43:33,641
I'll stick to that inaccessible
:
00:43:33,641 --> 00:43:33,921
word.
:
00:43:34,060 --> 00:43:34,580
that's fine
:
00:43:35,001 --> 00:43:37,191
I just felt it's, yes,
a thing that's hovering
:
00:43:37,231 --> 00:43:38,711
Ben: Hey it's real
:
00:43:39,212 --> 00:43:40,012
Blakely: it's a haunting
:
00:43:40,042 --> 00:43:41,162
Ben: skin and bones on it
:
00:43:41,325 --> 00:43:41,565
Blakely: felt
:
00:43:41,716 --> 00:43:42,306
it's made it corporeal.
:
00:43:42,355 --> 00:43:43,145
thing that's hovering
:
00:43:43,185 --> 00:43:44,665
Ben: Hey it's real
:
00:43:44,777 --> 00:43:45,220
Blakely: haunting
:
00:43:45,250 --> 00:43:46,370
Ben: skin and bones on it
:
00:43:46,705 --> 00:43:50,135
Blakely: it speaks a lot to what
I was talking about last time.
:
00:43:50,205 --> 00:43:55,475
I think you really heard me when I was
saying that I untethered myself from
:
00:43:55,485 --> 00:43:59,301
all of these like rules and restrictions
you really heard me when I urgency
:
00:43:59,321 --> 00:44:03,380
and intensity of, of community mental
health from all of these like rules
:
00:44:03,395 --> 00:44:08,825
restrictions I've been, like, I've
let all those leashes go and I've kind
:
00:44:08,825 --> 00:44:14,437
of cut myself loose on being kind of,
kind of impulsive and compulsive in
:
00:44:14,692 --> 00:44:15,382
Ben: it's just a lot
:
00:44:15,406 --> 00:44:15,586
Blakely: cut
:
00:44:15,672 --> 00:44:16,412
Ben: structured
:
00:44:16,945 --> 00:44:19,135
Blakely: I don't know kind
of impulsive and a lot.
:
00:44:19,370 --> 00:44:21,610
And it has let me,
:
00:44:22,550 --> 00:44:25,300
yes, yes, but also, also uncensored.
:
00:44:25,300 --> 00:44:26,582
Like I've let my it,
:
00:44:26,592 --> 00:44:31,615
has let me yes and just kind
of, I get angry if I don't,
:
00:44:31,788 --> 00:44:36,683
and not in an effective or helpful
way if I'm I attending to it.
:
00:44:36,692 --> 00:44:37,252
if I don't
:
00:44:37,753 --> 00:44:42,392
I have to regulate it and like, actually
care for myself in ways that don't if
:
00:44:42,392 --> 00:44:45,534
I'm not attending to it and those are
things that I haven't been doing because
:
00:44:45,784 --> 00:44:47,023
I care for myself
:
00:44:47,174 --> 00:44:51,472
been going with a lot of, make me uh,
I was a hedonist for about a year and
:
00:44:51,472 --> 00:44:54,322
a half after that, and then I kind
of started trying to get it together,
:
00:44:54,332 --> 00:44:55,792
and now I feel like I actually mean
:
00:44:56,491 --> 00:44:56,741
I.
:
00:44:56,955 --> 00:44:57,895
That I want this.
:
00:44:57,985 --> 00:45:02,526
I want a spirit that I don't have
right now actually mean for me,
:
00:45:02,586 --> 00:45:06,466
not for other people and getting
something for me is a lot harder
:
00:45:06,466 --> 00:45:10,136
to be motivated behind than to get
something that other people need me for.
:
00:45:10,898 --> 00:45:12,348
that's always a trap that I fall down.
:
00:45:12,388 --> 00:45:13,718
It's a trap that I fall down at work.
:
00:45:13,748 --> 00:45:15,138
Like other people need me to do this.
:
00:45:15,438 --> 00:45:17,198
That's automatically motivation.
:
00:45:17,538 --> 00:45:19,848
I can get out from under my cloud of shit.
:
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:20,740
And just do it.
:
00:45:20,740 --> 00:45:21,800
But when it's something that
:
00:45:21,925 --> 00:45:22,955
Ben: Getting motivated to do it it's
:
00:45:23,190 --> 00:45:25,306
Blakely: something that I
even want to do for me, Eh.
:
00:45:25,531 --> 00:45:25,811
Ben: Getting
:
00:45:25,847 --> 00:45:26,117
Blakely: Eh.
:
00:45:26,251 --> 00:45:26,561
Ben: to do it it's
:
00:45:26,796 --> 00:45:27,166
Blakely: something that I
:
00:45:27,237 --> 00:45:29,557
And knowing just what to do.
:
00:45:29,617 --> 00:45:32,997
Like, I can't give myself homework the
same way that someone else can from
:
00:45:32,997 --> 00:45:34,527
an objective, more objective place.
:
00:45:35,219 --> 00:45:39,679
And I respect and appreciate
and trust your perspective,
:
00:45:40,949 --> 00:45:41,669
And
:
00:45:42,125 --> 00:45:42,325
Ben: yeah
:
00:45:42,380 --> 00:45:44,259
Blakely: that initial, even and trust your
:
00:45:44,445 --> 00:45:44,725
Ben: both
:
00:45:45,383 --> 00:45:46,003
Blakely: anyway
:
00:45:46,499 --> 00:45:47,749
Ben: discomfort the
:
00:45:48,588 --> 00:45:48,788
yeah
:
00:45:48,843 --> 00:45:50,223
Blakely: that initial even that
:
00:45:50,288 --> 00:45:52,338
Ben: We we both expected this, right?
:
00:45:52,428 --> 00:45:59,585
Like the pushback, the discomfort the fuck
yous, because it is about, this is what
:
00:45:59,585 --> 00:46:04,655
self care is hard We need each other for
feedback, and we need each other point
:
00:46:04,675 --> 00:46:10,505
out the things that we needs to be called
out on our own bullshit in a way that is
:
00:46:10,835 --> 00:46:14,465
loving and accepting and also challenging.
:
00:46:14,475 --> 00:46:16,215
And Self care.
:
00:46:16,875 --> 00:46:20,677
has been reduced down to coping skills.
:
00:46:21,000 --> 00:46:25,670
And coping skills help us maintain
the system, help us maintain the
:
00:46:25,670 --> 00:46:27,650
processes that are already there
:
00:46:27,875 --> 00:46:32,155
Everything else wants us to be
able to continue functioning the
:
00:46:32,155 --> 00:46:37,170
way that we should rather than
actually achieve any wellness.
:
00:46:37,721 --> 00:46:40,721
And that's, that's what
we're calling bullshit on.
:
00:46:41,046 --> 00:46:44,226
And so we call bullshit on each
other to support each other.
:
00:46:45,072 --> 00:46:50,639
Blakely: Well, and I need, I need
the, the direction of, cause I,
:
00:46:51,149 --> 00:46:54,389
I've been grasping at the essence
of what you're saying without,
:
00:46:54,918 --> 00:46:55,508
of
:
00:46:56,089 --> 00:46:57,809
it's almost like I'm aware
that I'm blind to it.
:
00:46:57,819 --> 00:46:58,209
Right.
:
00:46:58,809 --> 00:47:03,349
Like I can't quite get at what I need
to, what bridge I need to cross to get
:
00:47:03,349 --> 00:47:05,969
where I know I have been and want to be.
:
00:47:06,088 --> 00:47:08,478
I can't quite get at what I need to
:
00:47:08,689 --> 00:47:09,779
And I'm really,
:
00:47:09,914 --> 00:47:12,114
Ben: Right
:
00:47:12,209 --> 00:47:14,421
Blakely: time to be not shoulds,
:
00:47:14,450 --> 00:47:15,540
And I'm really
:
00:47:15,675 --> 00:47:17,875
Ben: Right
:
00:47:17,970 --> 00:47:18,560
Blakely: time about just
:
00:47:18,651 --> 00:47:22,631
actually being effective, being
honest with myself, being where
:
00:47:22,631 --> 00:47:26,900
I'm at, acknowledging that I
may, I may still pursue therapy.
:
00:47:26,930 --> 00:47:29,110
I don't think I'll pursue
the relationship that I would
:
00:47:29,110 --> 00:47:32,141
actually idealize if only because.
:
00:47:32,211 --> 00:47:34,705
It's, it's a path that's going
to take energy that I don't
:
00:47:34,705 --> 00:47:36,385
want to expend, honestly.
:
00:47:36,495 --> 00:47:38,495
And I don't believe that
it's available readily.
:
00:47:38,657 --> 00:47:40,137
And I'm on a track that feels good.
:
00:47:40,227 --> 00:47:43,680
And I, I'm cheating, but not in getting
:
00:47:44,570 --> 00:47:46,040
Ben: cheating I
:
00:47:46,110 --> 00:47:46,730
Blakely: you see me in
:
00:47:46,750 --> 00:47:47,660
Ben: back on it like
:
00:47:47,929 --> 00:47:50,421
Blakely: I'm cheating but not in getting
:
00:47:50,581 --> 00:47:52,781
Ben: think the word cheating I
:
00:47:52,851 --> 00:47:53,471
Blakely: you see me in
:
00:47:53,491 --> 00:47:58,511
Ben: back on it like my gut because
it feels like it's upholding some
:
00:47:58,511 --> 00:48:00,930
sort of arbitrary bullshit standard.
:
00:48:01,105 --> 00:48:04,463
this is about wellness, and
this is about caring for
:
00:48:04,463 --> 00:48:05,313
ourselves?
:
00:48:05,511 --> 00:48:05,661
Blakely: saying
:
00:48:05,701 --> 00:48:10,093
Ben: to me it feels like a No, I don't
think you believe it, but I do just wanna
:
00:48:10,601 --> 00:48:15,121
To me it feels like a cultural thing
that's seeped into language rather than
:
00:48:15,121 --> 00:48:17,531
an actual sentiment that you believe.
:
00:48:17,981 --> 00:48:20,211
Like, and that's where
I'm pushing back on it.
:
00:48:20,221 --> 00:48:26,601
Like, the idea that therapy is a
should for us when we have problems
:
00:48:26,601 --> 00:48:33,420
in our life is a part of the I think
the mental health stigma within the
:
00:48:33,420 --> 00:48:39,280
professional helpers in our business
and it becomes this like low hanging
:
00:48:39,290 --> 00:48:45,410
fruit that we can bop each other on the
head with and go, you're not, you're not
:
00:48:45,420 --> 00:48:47,700
doing what you should do, bop, right?
:
00:48:48,070 --> 00:48:54,060
And it, so anyways, no, I think that this,
what you were saying earlier is like.
:
00:48:54,485 --> 00:48:59,595
You you couldn't see the bridge over
the gorge or I don't know, something,
:
00:48:59,605 --> 00:49:03,865
something to that effect, but like,
you know, what's what you need to
:
00:49:03,865 --> 00:49:07,518
get to, but how to get there is hard.
:
00:49:07,907 --> 00:49:12,875
And I think that venturing through those
things together, particularly between
:
00:49:12,875 --> 00:49:15,266
the two of us, throughout the pandemic.
:
00:49:15,919 --> 00:49:18,551
Really helped, it cleared up the fog,
:
00:49:18,592 --> 00:49:19,152
uh
:
00:49:19,561 --> 00:49:26,127
so that the more bridges I crossed over
the big scary, canyons, I was able to see
:
00:49:26,127 --> 00:49:31,725
more that, Oh, this is the same, similar
one I can go do, and so, even in the
:
00:49:31,725 --> 00:49:36,935
future, like even putting therapy off into
the future for things that are deeper and,
:
00:49:36,945 --> 00:49:39,650
and, Harder to conceptualize right now.
:
00:49:40,170 --> 00:49:44,200
I think that you going into the
potential future of therapy without
:
00:49:44,220 --> 00:49:48,800
gaslighting yourself or seeing that
your vulnerability an absolute threat,
:
00:49:49,750 --> 00:49:52,340
that would probably be a lot better.
:
00:49:53,130 --> 00:49:53,810
So,
:
00:49:53,835 --> 00:49:54,154
Blakely: That
:
00:49:54,154 --> 00:50:00,524
I am not in a place to build
a new trusting relationship.
:
00:50:00,728 --> 00:50:01,138
Ben: Yeah.
:
00:50:01,213 --> 00:50:01,903
Blakely: I
:
00:50:02,334 --> 00:50:08,154
I think that's weirdly a succinct way
to put down what I'm kind of feeling.
:
00:50:08,234 --> 00:50:09,954
I am not in a place to trust anyone.
:
00:50:10,175 --> 00:50:10,805
Not anyone new.
:
00:50:10,964 --> 00:50:16,615
I I have a hard bubble and
I would like to get there.
:
00:50:16,635 --> 00:50:17,395
And I think you're
:
00:50:17,705 --> 00:50:18,815
Ben: Because I think what I
:
00:50:18,864 --> 00:50:21,074
Blakely: have a hard bubble and
:
00:50:21,074 --> 00:50:23,664
I would like to get
there And I think you're
:
00:50:23,974 --> 00:50:27,484
Ben: Because I think what I see and I
don't know if you see this or if it's
:
00:50:27,484 --> 00:50:33,259
really even helpful for to keep droning
about this but what I see, what I've
:
00:50:33,264 --> 00:50:39,088
seen for you in the last few years
has yeah, you've, the structure of
:
00:50:39,088 --> 00:50:41,788
the mental health center was let go.
:
00:50:41,946 --> 00:50:45,379
and you know, the permissions
you gave yourself were maybe
:
00:50:45,379 --> 00:50:47,449
a little more impulsive and.
:
00:50:47,578 --> 00:50:49,098
I think you called them hedonistic.
:
00:50:49,517 --> 00:50:56,109
But to me, it was also an exploration of
just permission to explore and to, learn.
:
00:50:56,781 --> 00:51:01,241
I've been talking with you the
whole time and once have I gone Yo
:
00:51:01,510 --> 00:51:05,860
Yeah, and I've, I've been, I've been
talking with you the whole time and
:
00:51:06,110 --> 00:51:09,048
once have I gone Yo you're fucking lost.
:
00:51:09,337 --> 00:51:10,897
I've never thought that.
:
00:51:11,047 --> 00:51:13,668
I have never thought that that
:
00:51:13,887 --> 00:51:14,407
so,
:
00:51:14,487 --> 00:51:19,508
your your passion your compassion,
your love, I've never seen that
:
00:51:19,773 --> 00:51:20,123
Blakely: Good
:
00:51:21,418 --> 00:51:24,258
Ben: I've seen your mood go up and down.
:
00:51:24,608 --> 00:51:27,458
I've seen your motivation go up and down.
:
00:51:27,639 --> 00:51:33,537
I've seen your eyes go, you know, maybe
like red to white, here and there.
:
00:51:33,750 --> 00:51:41,205
But, I've never gone I think I'm losing
my friend, so I think I just want to maybe
:
00:51:41,215 --> 00:51:47,383
offer you a little grace and a little
space to just be, and hopefully with this,
:
00:51:47,783 --> 00:51:49,983
you can offer that to yourself as well.
:
00:51:50,215 --> 00:51:56,689
Cause I, I've, I've, I don't know, yeah,
I trust your North Star, sort of, so.
:
00:51:57,556 --> 00:52:00,536
So we need to, you need to buy this book.
:
00:52:00,786 --> 00:52:06,646
You need to write down where improv shows
are, because I want to go to one, and I'll
:
00:52:06,646 --> 00:52:08,426
invite you to come with me if you'd like.
:
00:52:08,607 --> 00:52:09,137
would be a of
:
00:52:09,342 --> 00:52:10,152
Blakely: we should go.
:
00:52:10,202 --> 00:52:11,022
I should see when
:
00:52:11,046 --> 00:52:15,326
Ben: And also we need to pick a
place to go meditate together,
:
00:52:15,336 --> 00:52:16,196
because that would be a of
:
00:52:16,401 --> 00:52:20,912
Blakely: we should go I see down for
all of that, which funnily enough,
:
00:52:21,242 --> 00:52:26,442
it seems like going to an actual,
like meditative space communally is
:
00:52:26,657 --> 00:52:26,837
Ben: Oh
:
00:52:26,861 --> 00:52:28,841
Blakely: which funnily
enough it seems like
:
00:52:29,107 --> 00:52:29,347
Ben: like
:
00:52:29,642 --> 00:52:32,012
Blakely: um, I'm going to, I'm
going to make an executive decision
:
00:52:32,012 --> 00:52:33,382
that that is our mutual homework.
:
00:52:33,802 --> 00:52:34,902
It's the overlap in our
:
00:52:35,026 --> 00:52:35,356
Ben: yeah.
:
00:52:36,166 --> 00:52:36,406
like
:
00:52:36,701 --> 00:52:38,741
Blakely: um I'm going to I'm
going to make an executive
:
00:52:38,967 --> 00:52:41,117
Ben: Uh
:
00:52:41,171 --> 00:52:43,091
Blakely: overlap in our
Venn diagram of homework
:
00:52:44,285 --> 00:52:46,945
I'm going to a I don't know
:
00:52:46,975 --> 00:52:49,445
Ben: Damn How did I not know that?
:
00:52:49,644 --> 00:52:49,794
Blakely: We
:
00:52:49,794 --> 00:52:52,305
see live comedy pretty regularly
it depends on who's coming to town.
:
00:52:52,785 --> 00:52:53,335
But like, even
:
00:52:54,035 --> 00:52:55,565
Ben: okay so next time
:
00:52:55,705 --> 00:52:56,535
Blakely: stand up when
:
00:52:56,844 --> 00:52:56,894
I
:
00:52:56,894 --> 00:52:58,367
don't know I and flows It
depends on who's coming
:
00:52:58,927 --> 00:53:00,457
Ben: okay so next time
:
00:53:00,597 --> 00:53:01,427
Blakely: stand up when
:
00:53:01,517 --> 00:53:07,747
Ben: We will either talk about our
plans or have, talk about having gone
:
00:53:08,597 --> 00:53:14,067
to meditate and, or an improv show.
:
00:53:15,997 --> 00:53:17,457
Okay, cool.
:
00:53:18,517 --> 00:53:22,733
Oh I remembered that you have,
I have to go to an class.
:
00:53:23,374 --> 00:53:23,574
it.
:
00:53:23,594 --> 00:53:24,234
We'll get it.
:
00:53:24,403 --> 00:53:25,493
Fuck.
:
00:53:25,523 --> 00:53:25,903
Okay.
:
00:53:25,903 --> 00:53:26,113
Yeah.
:
00:53:26,113 --> 00:53:28,013
No, that makes me really uncomfortable.
:
00:53:29,993 --> 00:53:33,023
We'll do it We'll get
joining us We'll go there.
:
00:53:34,403 --> 00:53:34,933
All right.
:
00:53:35,693 --> 00:53:43,883
Well, everyone, thanks for joining
us We, we love that you are voyeurs.
:
00:53:44,503 --> 00:53:46,273
you be a voyeur if you're just listening?
:
00:53:46,839 --> 00:53:48,519
are eave dropping on
:
00:53:48,953 --> 00:53:50,383
auditorial voyeur.
:
00:53:50,454 --> 00:53:51,344
Blakely: it would be like an
:
00:53:51,369 --> 00:53:52,059
Ben: friendship
:
00:53:52,728 --> 00:53:56,088
Uh, we love that you
are eave dropping on our
:
00:53:56,423 --> 00:53:58,403
Blakely: Oh oh it would be like an
:
00:53:58,428 --> 00:54:01,188
Ben: friendship and hopefully
you're learning something.
:
00:54:01,193 --> 00:54:04,248
Hopefully, uh, you're
enjoying yourself and
:
00:54:04,833 --> 00:54:05,533
Blakely: if you dare
:
00:54:05,593 --> 00:54:05,813
Ben: Yes
:
00:54:06,073 --> 00:54:08,164
Blakely: yourself to
some, uncomfy self care
:
00:54:09,039 --> 00:54:12,784
really want to know what
your current self care
:
00:54:12,899 --> 00:54:14,309
Ben: We are LinkedIn
:
00:54:14,524 --> 00:54:15,664
Blakely: us on Instagram at being the
:
00:54:15,719 --> 00:54:17,670
Ben: If on the link LinkedIn folks
:
00:54:17,834 --> 00:54:19,843
Blakely: If you want to give
us a nice long self care
:
00:54:19,958 --> 00:54:21,368
Ben: We are also on LinkedIn
:
00:54:21,583 --> 00:54:22,723
Blakely: us on Instagram at being the
:
00:54:22,954 --> 00:54:23,774
Hey,
:
00:54:23,948 --> 00:54:24,729
Ben: LinkedIn folks
:
00:54:24,893 --> 00:54:25,343
Blakely: If you want to
:
00:54:25,343 --> 00:54:27,473
give us a nice profesh, we can
:
00:54:27,781 --> 00:54:27,901
Ben: us.
:
00:54:27,901 --> 00:54:28,381
know We
:
00:54:28,396 --> 00:54:29,636
Blakely: Tell us how, how you're
:
00:54:29,651 --> 00:54:31,051
Ben: love to hear your stories
:
00:54:31,936 --> 00:54:33,116
Blakely: Oh that's very profesh
:
00:54:33,821 --> 00:54:34,301
Ben: Yeah
:
00:54:34,301 --> 00:54:34,782
Blakely: us how
:
00:54:34,982 --> 00:54:35,312
how you're
:
00:54:35,327 --> 00:54:38,380
Ben: love to hear your stories
We would love to get to know you
:
00:54:38,380 --> 00:54:39,915
as you are getting to know us.