It's Duchess's birthday week, which means she's wearing the tiara, working the weekend anyway, and demanding overtime. But before the celebrations could get too warm and fuzzy, John and Kate dragged the whole episode through the Carmelo Anthony verdict fallout — a case where a kid got stabbed in the heart at a track meet and somehow half the country decided the real problem was the jury's racial composition. Jasmine Crockett showed up to race-bait, Chris Cuomo stumbled through his hot takes, and two Black women on video said what a lot of people were thinking. It got loud. It got blunt. Happy birthday, Duchess.

From there the show careened through Trump posting military threats against Iran on Truth Social like it's a group text, NYC Knicks riots (win or lose, same result: someone's trashing a Five Guys), Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce secret wedding rumors, a Brazilian woman swallowed by a manhole booby-trapped by metal thieves, and a 22-year-old in New Jersey who showed up to a date with a .357, handcuffs, a hacksaw, a tarp, and lube. Oh, and a South African gang that tortured a British couple, hacked them with a machete, and threw the bodies to crocodiles. Just your average Thursday night in the Bunker.

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