Megan says she put her adopted mother through the ringer emotionally when she was a teenager. She thinks that’s partially because of her anger with her birth mother over her relinquishment. Most adoptees have no clue whom they’re setting out to find when searching for biological relatives, but Megan knew precisely who her birth mother was and what she looked like. In reunion, she found her half-brother who knew Megan’s birth father’s identity, because they were friends.

The post 051 – The Black Sheep Rocks The Boat appeared first on Who Am I...Really? Podcast.

Megan (00:04):

He was basically robbed. You know, I felt so terrible for him. He was robbed of a child. He was only 23 when I was born and he didn't have any other children after me. So I was only titled and I felt really bad that he was robbed as having, you know, a child

Damon (00:27):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon (00:38):

This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Megan. She called me from Los Angeles. One of my favorite places. Megan says she put her adopted mother through the ringer emotionally when she was a teenager. And she thinks that's partially because of her anger with her birth mother over her relinquishment. Most adoptees have no clue whom they're setting out to find when searching for biological relatives. But Megan knew precisely who her birth mother was and what she looked like. In reunion she found her half brother who knew exactly who Megan's birth father was because they were friends. This is Megan's journey. Megan was born in Pomona, California. She's in her twenties and her parents are in their sixties. So they were closer in age to being her grandparents than parents, she says she has a loving family and she had a really great childhood despite feeling different from them. She calls herself a black sheep in the family

Megan (01:46):

I was adopted in like a great family. I was a little bit of a black sheep, or I thought I was, I still kind of feel that way, but my childhood was awesome. You know, like my family is so loving. My grandparents were so amazing. I almost like going back to being a kid. I almost didn't really feel adopted until I got into my teen years. And you know, every, every teenager goes through, you know, the hard times and the hormones go crazy. And, but my childhood was amazing. I wouldn't change anything for the world. It definitely got harder when I hit teenage years. For sure. That's when I noticed, okay, I'm adopted.

Damon (02:24):

Yeah. Tell me, tell me a little bit about that feeling of being a black sheep.

Megan (02:28):

It's weird because my younger sister, who's almost 16. She's also adopted from another family. And, um, that's actually where I noticed that the most, you know, she is so different than me and she doesn't want to know anything, not curious. And I've always screamed at the rooftops how much I need to know and how much I want to know. And my mom always had a really difficult time with me wanting to know and me talking about my birth mother and, um, you know, she never admitted it, but I think she was very threatened my birth mother, even though, obviously I didn't know her. So when I started hitting my teenage years, I started noticing like, okay, I'm so different from everyone in my family. It was, it was an alone feeling. It was very alone. It's very depressing because I just wanted to fit in and be like my family, even though, you know, I knew I never would be because I'm so different.

Damon (03:19):

Megan said, one way she's different from her family is her desire to openly explore feelings and emotions while her family is more quiet about some harder conversations, of course, getting non adoptees to understand your feelings. Even if they're your family can be really tough.

Megan (03:36):

Everyone's so quiet and they don't want to talk about anything. And I'm going to talk about everything. I want to dive deep and get into the real nitty gritty, ugly parts of everything of licensing adopted. And it seemed that it was not, it was almost like they didn't want me to talk about it. And it was kind of like hushed. My dad was a little different. He always kind of, I was felt like he understood. And it was nice to kind of have that confidant there, but it was mostly just, they don't talk about feelings and it it's hard for me because all I wanted to do. And when I did, it was like, I was shut down so much and it was hard for me. I kept a lot of that inside of me. And it really affected my mental health for a long time. It still does.

Damon (04:19):

mmhm] how do you mean effect? what do you mean by it affected your mental health? In what way?

Megan (04:22):

No, I censored myself a lot and I made myself small and I made myself as quiet as I can because I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to argue anymore. I didn't want to do any of those things. So I just kept myself quiet and small and I'm not quiet, not small for anyone that knows the I'm very loud and very passionate about everything I talk about, especially being an adoptee and adoption. And it's hard to kind of having to keep myself so quiet. It ate me up inside completely and really made me kind of act out and rebel.

Damon (04:56):

Megan said she invested 12 years in therapy to work through her emotions. I asked her about some of the ways she acted out.

Megan (05:04):

Oh gosh, I snuck out of the house. I lit up cigarettes and I was like 15. And I just did everything. My mom said, no, you can't do it. No, you can't really do it. you can't go to the movies with your friends, I throw a temper tantrum and eventually I just go, you know, go anyway. Um, just anything she told me, Megan, you cannot do it. I said, yes, I can. And I did it school awful for me. I was very bad in school. I mean, I have a learning disability as well, which made it much more difficult. It was hard. It was really hard growing up and realizing that a lot of my issues were stems from my abandonment and how I felt inside. I felt I didn't feel worthy of love because I just felt, you know, if my birth mother couldn't love me and didn't want me, then why would anyone else? And I really pushed everyone away and especially my mom and my parents, and I just did anything, anything I could to piss them off and make it difficult for them. You know, I'm in my thirties and my mother has grey hair.

Damon (06:06):

Was there a while there where your rebellion was unconscious. And then as you started to really begin to identify with your own adoption, that it became more conscious or vice versa. Do you know what I mean?

Megan (06:22):

Um, I don't think it was ever really conscious. I kind of think, well, I guess it was because as I got older, I realized probably about 17 is when I really calmed down. I think I realized that I was so mean and angry and just act it out against mainly my mother. It was really mostly my mother wasn't my father, because I was so angry at my birth mother and I can't, I couldn't take it out on her. So I took it out on the closest person I could, which was my mother. So, um, I think in a way it was conscious, but a lot of it, I think I didn't really, I just wanted to be that cause that got me attention being good. Didn't get any attention being bad. Don't need the most attention. So I think that's why I really just pushed everyone's limits.

Damon (07:06):

I wondered about Megan's sister, also an adoptee who is seven years, her junior. She said her younger sister is an angel compared to her at that same age, her sister's a great kid. She actually listens to their mother and gets straight A's in school.

Megan (07:22):

A lot of times I've heard that, you know, two adopted siblings are polar opposites. And with me couldn't be more true. She's very quiet about her feelings. She doesn't really talk about it a lot. She doesn't talk about her adoption. It doesn't seem to affect her the same way it did me. It's so different and how she is now than when I was her age.

Damon (07:43):

Wow. That's fascinating.

Megan (07:45):

And I think it could be because I don't know, part of me thinks she saw so much of it that she doesn't ask like me, so she doesn't end up the way that me and my mom were, if that makes any sense.

Damon (07:58):

Yeah. Yeah. There's definitely those folks out there who see the example of what they don't want to be and they are like,

Megan (08:03):

yeah.

Damon (08:03):

And they guide their life by that influence. So I could see that being true. Megan admits she's put her adopted mother through the ringer in her teenage years. So I wanted to know what catalyzed her desire to search for her natural relatives. She said, she's always wanted to search. And she always searched a little bit here and there. When she was 17, her grandmother passed away and simultaneously her anger over her adoption dissipated a few months after her grandmother's death, Megan was working at a kiosk in the mall

Megan (08:36):

And this woman comes up and she buys something and I run her credit card and the receipt comes out and the name of receipt is the same exact name as my birth mother, even the middle initial. And I look at her and she's not my birth mother because I always had a picture of her. But for some reason I was so floored. I was like, Oh my God, that's so weird. What are the odds of, you know, this woman having the same exact first, middle and last name and my birth mother. So I started thinking and I contacted a couple of like private investigators. What was like hundreds of dollars and it was stupid. And then I just realized like, okay, like, I don't want to leave this world. Not knowing like I need to know. I couldn't, it didn't sit well with me being eight years old and regretting not looking

Damon (09:26):

Megan started searching on her own in a Facebook group. Another woman shared her search and reunion experience with Megan.

Megan (09:32):

She said it was the best thing I ever did in my life. You know, it's not fun. It can be really sad, but it's also really healing. And I was like, okay, you know what? I need that I need healing.

Damon (09:43):

Megan said she was 19 when she made that decision and her adopted mom was on board, but she also said something really interesting. I wonder if you caught it too. She said she knew her birth, mother's full name. And she always had a picture of her before we went any further. I really wanted to know more about how she had identifying information about the woman.

Megan (10:03):

Well, when I was younger, probably 10, maybe a little younger, my mom pulled out a picture of me as a baby was probably in the picture, I think about four months old, three, three or four months old. And there was a woman holding me and she was like, this is your birth mother. And I asked her, how did you get this? And I guess the social worker, when they're going through my adoption, the social worker with the photo in my file. And she said, don't tell anyone I did that. I'm not supposed to do this. So she secretly put that picture in my file for me to have later in life, which I'm so grateful for, because it really helped me.

Damon (10:40):

That's amazing. How did that help you to have her picture?

Megan (10:44):

It was nice. At least growing up. I could look at one face that looked like me because I'm so much like my birth mother and I didn't realize it so much until I was in reunion. And I saw other people that looked like me and looked like her, but it was nice to see, you know, her smiling and holding me, even though, obviously that was the day she actually signed her rights to me away, which was obviously a very sad day. But you know, she looks semi happy to have that picture of her.

Damon (11:14):

Wow. Yeah. It is a bitter sweet picture

Megan (11:15):

And I got to, I got to show people like, Oh, you know, this is her. It's like, Oh my gosh. She looks just like her. So that was really comforting to have,

Damon (11:23):

I can imagine. Yeah. That's fascinating.

Megan (11:28):

Very nice. Is that a social worker to do that?

Damon (11:31):

Yeah. That's that some people out there to just have a big heart and they know sort of the right thing to do, but I can't help, but wonder if having actually seen her and have an identity associated with the person that put...