Today on Become A Calm Mama, we’re diving deep into the topic of bullying. Bullying can be a difficult and painful experience for kids and parents alike.

None of us want our kids to be the bully, and we also don’t want them to be bullied. 

Today, I’ll describe what bullying actually is (and what it is not) and help you learn to spot the risk factors and signs that your kid is being bullied or that your kid is doing the bullying. And, of course, I’ll help you figure out what to do about it if you find your kid in either situation.

What Is Bullying?

StopBullying.gov explains bullying as unwanted and aggressive behavior among school age children, middle schoolers and teenagers that also involves a real or perceived power imbalance. 

There are really three parts to bullying: the behavior being unwanted, the imbalance of power and repetition of the behavior. 

We know how to recognize when a behavior is unwanted. The kid being bullied doesn’t like it. They ask the other person to stop or try to get away from the behavior.

The imbalance of power is a little trickier. It can be physical strength, access to embarrassing information or social status. Some of these are easy to see, while others are not obvious. Whatever the advantage, it is then used to control or harm someone else.

The power dynamic is also not permanent. Kids go through growth spurts, social circles change and it can be different from one setting to another.

Repetition tells us that bullying is not a one-off thing. It has the potential to happen more than once, because the other person is vulnerable in some way. In order to stop the bullying, we need to change something about the circumstance.

4 Types of Bullying

Within this definition, there are four main types of bullying .

Verbal Bullying involves saying or writing mean things. Teasing can become bullying if it’s paired with an imbalance of power and repetition. Name-calling, inappropriate sexual comments, taunting and threats are all examples of verbal bullying. 

Social Bullying or relational bullying involves hurting someone's reputation or relationships. This can look like intentionally leaving one kid out, telling other kids not to be friends with someone, spreading rumors, calling attention to differences or embarrassing someone.

Physical Bullying involves hurting someone’s body or their things - hitting, kicking, punching, spitting, taking or breaking someone’s things, making mean hand gestures, etc.

Cyberbullying is any type of bullying that happens digitally on phones, computers, texts, social media or other devices or online forums. Cyberbullying is really hard to get away from and can be even more persistent than other types. It’s a 24-hour a day risk. It’s also more permanent because there is a digital footprint. These, combined with the fact that we often aren’t seeing it happen makes cyberbullying especially scary for parents because it feels harder to protect our kids.

Early Childhood and Bullying

At some point both of my kids were accused of bullying other kids. I also see this come up with my clients, especially when their kids are younger.

Around preschool, ages 3 through 5 or 6, we often start to hear about bullying. But that’s not actually what is happening in most cases.

At this age, kids are learning how to cooperate and share. They're learning how to understand their feelings. And in that process, they might be aggressive or act out and get angry when they don't get what they want. 

But that is not bullying. It is normal developmental stuff. 

Our challenge here is to continue teaching them how to manage their emotions and how their behavior impacts others so that we prevent them from becoming bullies later on. 

We don’t ignore the behavior, but we also don’t need to start labeling them. Instead, help them regulate their emotions, set boundaries around what’s allowed at school or home and let them deal with the impact of their behavior.

Children At Risk of Being Bullied

Unfortunately, kids who seem different from their peers are a bit at risk. Perceived differences like being new to the school, looking different or not dressing the same as their peer group can create a risk factor. 

However, kids who are really confident in the way that they’re different are a lot less at risk because they aren’t perceived as weak or vulnerable. 

So it’s really a combination of factors that put a kid at risk, including perceived difference, not defending themselves, low self esteem or inability to read social cues. 

The solution is not changing the way kids look to help them fit in. The real solution is helping them to love themselves and feel good about who they are and how they show up in the world…whatever that looks like for them. That confidence is almost like a shield against being bullied. And if they do experience some bullying behavior, being able to stand up for themselves is likely to shut that behavior down. 

Children More Likely to Bully Others

There are typically two scenarios in which kids participate in bullying behavior. 

The first is a kid who has a lot of social power and wants to keep it that way. At the core, this child doesn’t feel secure in their social standing, so they push others down in order to protect their position. This looks like a popular kid who is bullying. 

On the other end of the spectrum is a kid who feels very isolated from their peers. This child has likely already experienced some bullying themselves and has felt separate from their peer group. They might struggle with anxiety, low self esteem and be less involved in school and other activities. They‘re trying to show that they don’t care about being left out by being mean and trying to get some power over others. 

 Some of the signs that your kid might be bullying others are that they are aggressive or easily frustrated. They may take that anger and dump it onto another kid. Or they might hold it inside, which leads to poor self esteem. 

Kids who don’t know how to handle their big feelings might put down other kids, not follow rules or think the rules don’t apply to them.

Bullying is often an emotional regulation problem. They don’t know what to do with their anger and frustration. Bullying isn’t a character defect. It’s a sign that the child is struggling.

Signs a Child Is Being Bullied

On their own, many of the signs on this list are normal kid behavior. If you’re seeing several signs grouped together, though, it might indicate that your child is experiencing bullying.

• Loss of friends or avoiding social situations
• Frequent headaches, stomachaches, feeling sick or faking illness (anxiety showing up in the body)
• Difficulty sleeping, nightmares or night waking
• Declining grades of lack of interest in schoolwork
• Not wanting to go to school, sports or other activities

These types of insecure behavior might point to social bullying. 

You might also notice signs of physical bullying, like:

• Unexplainable injuries
• Destroyed clothing
• Lost or damaged books, jewelry, electronics or other items

Tips for Dealing With Bullying

If you notice some of these signs or feel in your intuition like something is off, the first step is just to be curious and wonder what could be going on. Then, you can try some of the tips below.

Talk about bullying with your kid

Let them know that bullying happens sometimes. Talk about what to do if they see it and how they can help a kid who is being bullied. 

One way is to walk over next to the person who’s being bullied and say something like, “I’ve been looking for you. Come over with me.” or “The teacher sent me to find you. Come with me.”

And they don’t have to go it alone. A bystander can gather a group of kids to walk over, say, “You’re being mean. We don’t like this,” and all walk away together. Of course, they can also ask a teacher or parent for help.

Practice responding to bullying

Talk about what would happen if they were the one being bullied. What would they do? What would they say? It can be as simple as saying, “I don’t wanna talk to you right now,” and walking away. 

Not engaging or showing emotion is the best way to respond, because the person who is bullying is looking for a reaction (which only fuels the situation further). Have your kid practice staying calm, looking you in the eye and saying what they’d say. 

Teach your child respectful self-assertion

You can also teach your child that they can be assertive and stand up for themself. They don’t have to always be nice. Teach them to say, “Hey, stop that,” or “Hands off my body” or “I don’t like being called that.” 

Teach your child basic social skills

Kids who bully often prey on kids who are perceived as vulnerable. We want to teach them lots of social skills, which will give them more confidence. 

You can role play and practice lots of scenarios. If you see a group playing and want to join in, how do you ask? How do you want to introduce yourself to new kids at a party? How do you want to invite a friend over to play? 

If your kid is being bullied

Go to the supervising adult in the situation, like their teacher or coach. Talk about what’s happening, how you can protect your child and separate from the other kid until everybody is safe. 

Ultimately, there are a few things that can make a huge difference when it comes to bullying: Your child having a good relationship with themself, a good relationship with you and emotional regulation skills.

Help your child develop a positive self concept (the collection of thoughts they have about themself). Use Kind External Parent Talk (KEPT) to offer them thoughts like, I am strong, I am capable, People like me. I belong. 

Nurture a good relationship with your child so that they feel safe enough to share with you what's happening.

Teach your kid emotional regulation skills. My programs are designed around raising emotionally healthy kids of all ages. When a child feels good about themself and can see the impact their behavior has on others, they’re much less likely to bully. We’re inoculating our kids and boosting them from the inside out so they don’t fall into the traps of being bullied or bullying others.

Resources:

• www.StopBullying.gov 
• The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition) by Barbara Coloroso 

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Welcome back to become a calm mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlyn

Childress. And today, I'm gonna be talking about bullying.

The reason why I wanted to bring this up is because in my

parenting of my kids, I have had both of my

kids accused of being bullies or bullying other

kids. And this also comes up with some of my clients,

And especially if their kids are younger, like under 7, under 8,

the really, especially under 5, I'll have parents, you know, in

my program say, The school is accusing my son of being a

bully or my daughter being a bully or things like that. And I thought

it'd be helpful to do a podcast episode describing

what bullying actually is and what it is not,

and then also helping you start to see The signs

of bullying, like, in your kids, like, to notice

if they are being bullied, and then maybe even talk a

little bit about The kids who are doing

the bullying and, like, how to spot that because I know you

all wanna raise Kind kids, emotionally healthy kids, and you don't want your

kids to be the bully. Right? You don't want them to be bullied, nor do

you want them to be the bully. I wanna talk about kind of the

risk factors of being bullied and then the risk factors

of being becoming the bully And just so that you will

understand what that looks like and then also kind of

what to do to help your kids in either

scenario, how How to help you figure out if your kid is being

hurt or possibly hurting someone else. So let's get

into it today, and I'm gonna give you some real strong Tips at the end

of, like, what to do to kind of I always use this word

inoculate, like inoculate your kids, against

becoming bullied or becoming a bully. Really, most of my

programs are always designed about raising emotionally healthy kids,

emotionally healthy teens, emotionally healthy middle schoolers. And the reason

why I title my programs that and you being the

calm mama is because from calm, from your calm

place, then you're able to coach your kids

towards greater and greater emotional health. When you feel good

about yourself and you can see the impact your behavior has on others, you're

much less likely to bully. So that's why If you follow this podcast or if

you're my programs, we already do we're already doing the inoculation. Right?

We're already kind of boosting our kids from the inside out and

helping them, get to the point where they don't really need to, like, fall

into these traps of being bullied or bullying. Okay. So let's

talk about What bullying is, a lot of the resources that I'm offering to you

today come from a website called stop bullying

.org, and it's sort of the most respected organization

that is working in anti bullying environments.

Okay. So let's get into it. What is bullying?

Bullying is unwanted and

aggressive behavior among school age children

and, middle schoolers and teenagers as well,

that involves a real or perceived power imbalance.

Okay. So I wanna talk about the 2 these

2 factors of the well, 3 factors, the behavior being

unwanted. Right? So it's not like in a friendship.

It's an actual, imbalance of power that

where the 1 kid is being powered over by another kid, and

they don't want that attention from them. So and then there's an

imbalance of power, and then there's repetition. The

unwanted is obvious. Right? Like, you don't your the kid's like, I don't like this.

Don't do this to me. I don't want you to talk to me like that.

Don't make fun of me. Don't make those comments. Right? Anything that you don't

want, any kind of, aggressive behavior that you're not

participating in, you don't want it, then that means, You know, it's a type

of bullying. The other factor that's really important is this

imbalance of power. That could be a physical strength. It could be

having Access to embarrassing information. It could be,

having a saw a stronger social group and that you use that

imbalance of power to control Someone else

or to harm that person. So what's interesting is about power

imbalances is, like, you can have a kid who

when they're, like, 6 or 7 grows in a grow big growth spurt and is

a lot bigger than the other kids. There's a balance of power there. But as

they grow, That imbalance power could change. Another kid could hit a

growth spurt. Right? Or post puberty, another kid can, like, be like, well, used to

be the smallest kid. Now you're huge. Right? Or maybe the

balance of power changes because of you change schools

or different things like that. So it's not permanent, And it's not always

and the same that that 1 kid always has the imbalance of power

in that one circumstance. It could be That may be in

their community, like their outside of school community or in their sports community

or in their boy scout community or girl scout community or something like that.

In those environments, maybe they have less or more power,

but then at school, it's reversed. So it doesn't always have to be

kind of constant. Imbalance of power, and then we

have repetition. So it happens more than

once or it has the potential to happen more than once because

of the vulnerability of the other person. Bullying really

is This behavior that person

receives that they don't want, it's attention that they're not seeking.

The behavior is aggressive in nature. It's meant it you know, it does create

harm. There's an imbalance of power, and

it's repetitive. So these aren't one off Situations,

they can be if if you find if you catch it, you know, really

fast, you're like, woah. This is the potential to keep happening. We need to do

something To change the circumstance here for the kid, for the

most part, bullying happens in that repetitive

Rehep repetitive. So it's not one off. Three types of bullying, and then

there's also cyberbullying. So there's really 4 types, I guess. We're gonna talk

about Verbal bullying, social bullying, physical

bullying, and then cyberbullying. So I'm not gonna go too deep into

them because they're pretty obvious what they are, But verbal bull bullying

is saying or writing mean things, so that definitely happens

as part of cyberbullying. Right? There's an actual

the words are being said, like teasing, but it's

repetitive. So teasing by Self is not necessarily bullying if

there's an imbalance of power, if it's unwanted, and if it is

repetitive. Name calling, in inappropriate

sexual comments, taunting, threatening to cause

harm, those are all types of verbal. Social

bullying, sometimes thought of as relational bullying,

and it is in involves hurting someone's reputation

or their relationships. Chips. So that can be continuously

leaving 1 kid out on purpose, telling other

children not to be friends with someone, Spreading rumors

about them, embarrassing them in public, so

drawing attention to maybe A way that they're different from the group

and you're pointing that out in that group setting,

that is social bullying. And then physical bullying

is when it involves hurting a person's body or their

things. So hitting, kicking, punching, Pinching, spitting,

tripping, pushing, taking or breaking someone's things,

making mean or rude hand gestures. Right? So using your body against

someone. Cyberbullying is any of these

types of things, the verbal, social types of

bullying that happens Digitally. So on

cell phones, computers, and tablets, on SMS, like, on

messaging, text messaging, Within apps,

online social media forums, gaming forums, so we

can see Discord chat groups where there's bullying. We can

see Snapchat or TikTok, any of

those, it could be in a comment. It could be in, a

direct message, Or it can actually be

screenshots of things that somebody shares online and then is spread around

within the groups the school group through text. So it can

include posting, sending information about somebody, posting

information, sharing negative information, sharing

harmful, false, mean content can

also just be sharing private information that's about something that's embarrassing

or humiliating. Maybe a 1 kid tells someone in

confidence what happened to them, and then that kid uses that

information And spreads it around. Right? That would be

bullying. So the thing that's interesting about cyberbullying that is a

little bit different is that it tends to be persistent in that you can't

Really be get safe from it. So if you are being bullied, say,

at scouts, and then when you go to scouts, that's when you endure that

behavior or at school or at recess or on the yard.

But if you are experiencing cyberbullying,

it's like 24 hours a day you're at risk because it's

a digital medium. The other things that are unique about cyberbullying is

it's permanent because it it's creating a digital

footprint. And so that can feel a little bit scary for us parents.

It can be hard to remove these types of things. And then, of course,

it's hard to notice because we're not seeing it. Right? Teachers and

parents, they may not overhear or see the cyberbullying

take place, so it's harder to protect kids. So we really wanna have a

good relationship With our children so that they

feel safe enough to share with us what's happening.

I'll talk more about that in a few minutes. I was gonna go back and

talk about this whole, like, physical bullying

thing because that's what a lot of times

kids that are in early childhood will

be accused of bullying. And,

really, Between the ages of 3 to 5, kids are learning

how to get along with each other. They're learning how to cooperate. They're learning

how to share. They're learning how to understand their feelings.

And in that process, they might be aggressive, or they might act

out And get angry or when they don't get what they want, but that

is not bullying. It could turn into bullying

if we don't teach the kids How to manage their emotions and

how to show how behavior impacts others, we wanna

always be in my program, we call that connect, limit, set, correct.

We wanna be constantly teaching kids that their

behavior is driven by their feelings and that their behavior has impact on

other people. So we wanna see it, ages

3, 4, 5, 6, and be teaching those skills

so that we prevent a kid Becoming a

bully. But, really, ages 3 to 5, that's not what's happening.

So, you know, if your kid ever gets accused of

being a bully In, like,

preschool or early kindergarten, you can refer the

teacher to this website, stop bullying.org, or have them listen

to Podcast episode and just talk about, like, no. No. No. This is

all normal developmental stuff that kids are going through at this

age. Do we wanna ignore the behavior? No. Not at all. We

wanna help kids regulate their emotions and see their

behavior has an impact on others And help them, you know, deal

with the impact their behavior has by saying sorry, by doing something kind for the

kid, having better boundaries around, what's allowed

at school And those kinds of supports, of course, but

we don't wanna start labeling kids with bullying behavior in, you

know, preschool and young kindergarten. Okay.

Sometimes we like to think about, you know, who

like, what's happening in a bullying situation? I

Read this book once, called the bully, the bullied, and the

bystander. Bystander.

And I love that book because I think it's really helpful to understand

that you have the kid who is doing the bullying.

You have the kid who's experiencing the bullying, and then you

also have the bystanders. Standards. I keep on saying

the standards. Standards. The bystander

is really the role that most of your kids are in,

and that is where we wanna really enforce Force for our children

that if they see a child hurting another

child, that they can speak up about it. But those

are sort of the the roles that we see in a bullying circle.

So there's the one who initiates. We kinda think of them

as the bully, but then sometimes the bystander

will become an assistant or they'll reinforce the

behavior. So you wanna be aware of you know, maybe your kid

isn't instigating the sin the situation,

but maybe they aren't doing anything about And so being a

bystander is not does not mean that you're, like, guiltless.

Right? It it's We all have the responsibility to stand

up for the kid or the person who's being bullied.

So we don't wanna label kids. We don't wanna say like, Oh,

this kid is the bully, and this kid is the victim. I love

using the language of, like, the child who bullied or the child who

was bullied or the kid who experienced bullying.

Because it we don't wanna put that label on kids because then they start to,

I self identify as I'm a victim. I'm weak.

You know, kids are always picking on me. Kids make fun of me. No one

likes me. I'm not safe. That's not a narrative we really

want kids to be building an experience around. It's not safe for

them, and it's not good for their self their self-concept. Just like for

the bully, quote, unquote, right, we don't want them to go, oh, I'm mean. I'm

always in trouble. The teachers don't like me.

I'm not smart. Right? They we don't want them to create

a label for themselves around that. So we're just gonna refer to

them as a kid who did some bullying, a kid who

does bully sometimes, or the child who experiences

bullying Or was bullied. Does that make sense? I hope so.

Okay. Who who's at risk of being bullied?

Generally, unfortunately, Kids who

seem different from their peers are a bit

at risk. Right? If because they don't look physically the same as most of the

other kids, like, You know, wearing glasses or whatever that is, like the way they

look, or being new to a school. Like, if you're just new,

you're kind of set up that way, or if you don't

have, like, the clothes that that that your peer group has or that that you

don't look a certain way, you don't act a certain way, Then a

perceived difference can create a risk factor. If the

child is different But is

really confident in the way that they're different if they

can, like, you know, be Okay in them,

their own body and their own whoever they are, they kind of have that inner

confidence, that inner ability to validate, Then they're

a lot less at risk because they're not perceived as weak.

They're not perceived as unable to defend themselves. So it's not just being different

that makes you a risk factor. It also is

if that's coupled with not defending yourself,

not having enough esteem in yourself,

And then also kids who kind of don't know how to to read

the social cues, like, if they're kind of provoking or

antagonizing others, It can flip on them where they're

bugging others, and then they start to get socially,

rejected. So we wanna, help our

kids grow in the ways that we don't need to

change the way they look in order to fit in. That's not the angle

here. The angle here is to say, you get to love

yourself no matter how you look, no matter if you're a new kid, if you've

been around, if you're the, You know, the top athlete, if you're not the top

athlete, if your child feels good about who they

are and how they show up in the world, they

will Automatically be it's almost like a

shield against being bullied as well as if they

are Experiencing some teasing, some taunting, some unwanted

imbalance of power, aggressive behavior.

When the kid who is experiencing bullying

stands up for themselves, defends themselves, It

actually kinda shuts the, the behavior down. If

it affects you, if it's like the arrows kinda penetrate through your

shield, Then the kid who's seeking that sort of power

over you, they will keep seeking it from you. If they're seeking

that power, they're gonna find places that they get it.

But if your kid is not giving them that power, they're not

gonna get it. That's gonna be like an empty Oh,

don't try that kid anymore because that doesn't work. So we have these

children who are at risk of being bullied. It's kids who are a little different

from their peer group Or have social struggles

and also don't know how to defend themselves, don't know

how to, you know, feel good about themselves, And then also

if they, like, don't have a friend group or, like you don't have to have

a whole group, but just like 1 buddy. 1 gal that you really like to

play with, if you have that in any setting, typically

as at risk. So who does this bullying?

Typically, there's 2 types The kids who are more

likely to bully. The first is the one that

is really like the social bully, like the one who

Has a lot of social power and is well connected to

their peers, and they want to keep it that way. Like, at the

core of that, they don't feel secure in their

social standing even though they have a solid social standing. And so they

push others down. They wanna dominate or be in charge of others

in order to protect their position or their standing.

The other so that's, like, kinda like the popular kid

who does the bullying. It's like, really, there's at the

core some sort of deeper Feeling of insecurity.

That can be hard to read, for sure, but that

sort of when we see that, it's like, oh, okay. Maybe you're not

really Feeling secure in yourself and your power over

others in order to feel comfortable within yourself.

The other Kid who is likely to bully

others is a kid who's very isolated

from their peers, who's Already maybe become who's

already experienced some bullying, who's already been

separate from the group, Has some anxiety or some low

self esteem, is less involved in school, has some

pressure from other kids trying to, you know,

communicate. Like, I don't care about you guys, and I'm gonna power over

you and just show you how little I care by being mean.

So that kid is struggling inside, and that's typically what we think of

as the bully. We don't look at the kid who's, like,

Got us a lot of social success that is a lot of hidden

bullying happening because you'd go, well, that's the nice kid. Why would

that kid ever act like that? But the kid who's sort of already on the

outside often gets accused. What we are looking

for when you're trying to figure out if your kid Is

doing some bullying. Some of the factors that we see is

that they are aggressive or easily frustrated,

and that might Trickle down into their

relationships with their peers. They may take that anger and dump it

onto another kid. That is why emotional

regulation, teaching those skills is so so so important.

Because if you don't know what to do with your feelings, You can either

dump them on someone else or dump them inside. Dump them on

you. And that leads to poor self esteem, poor

self-concept. We're Really looking for the

kids who don't know how to manage their big feelings

in those elementary, middle, and high school years and seeing,

The reason for this bullying behavior is really more of an emotional

regulation issue and self esteem problem. The kids who

do the bullying, they're not always stronger or bigger

than those that they bully. The power imbalance Can

come from popularity, strength, cognitive ability.

So we are looking to see the kids who are

Struggling with their emotional regulation, they put down other

kids. They don't follow the rules. They don't think the rules apply

to them. Those are some of the warning signs for children

who are likely to bully others. I know I'm going

through this fast, but, hopefully, you're Kind of just getting the big gist of

it. Like, oh, okay. So the kid who does some

bullying behaviors isn't just, like, At the core, some jerk

person who has, like, a character

defect. It's like, No. The kid who is bullying

is struggling. The kid who's behaving

that way towards someone else is someone who feels Bad and

insecure or they don't feel that the security that

they have is solid. So let's get into, like, how do

you know if your kid is Being bullied. So I'm gonna

read this list, but I want you to realize that a lot of these

are, by themselves, Are just kinda like normal

child behavior, so I don't want you to start to think, oh my god. My

kid is being bullied for sure. They're like a victim, and, you know, I don't

want you to get stuck in any one of these. I want

you to think of this as like, hey. We're if we're starting to see

some warning signs that are Coupled together and you're trying to figure out what's

going on, why your kid is acting this way, maybe get curious

about how they are doing socially. So what do we see? We see

loss of friends or avoidance of social situations. I don't wanna

go to that party. I don't wanna go to his house. I don't wanna go

to the park after school. I don't like going to school at all. Right? So

maybe they start to have frequent headaches, stomachaches, feeling

sick, or faking illness. Stress does show up in the

body, so it's not always faking illness. It's it's illness that doesn't make

any sense. Right? It's headaches and stomachaches. It's

Anxiety showing up in their body. So you might see

difficulty sleeping. You might see nightmares. You might see night

waking, coming into your room over and over again over again. You might

see declining grades if your school does grades or just lack of

interest in schoolwork or not wanting to go to school, not wanting to go to

Cub Scouts, Not wanting to go to volleyball practice, not wanting to go to the

dance or or dance practice or go to the dance, the party afterwards,

or stay. Right? If you start to see Sort of

this kind of insecure behavior. It's like, okay.

Maybe there's something else going on. Maybe there's some social bullying happening.

Now looking for physical bullying, if you're seeing unexplainable injuries,

if you're seeing a kid who has like, their their

clothing is being destroyed, They're losing books. They're losing

jewelry. They're losing their electronics, and it's not just, oh,

they're absent minded. It's kind of a newer behavior. Maybe there's

a kid who's actually taking their stuff and wrecking it. I was

gonna say there was one instance of Lincoln in

kindergarten, his 1st year, where he was so upset. He

had such a big feeling cycle. He didn't know what to do with it. He

was in kindergarten, so he was young, and he smashed another kid's

Lunch. He, like, stomped on it, which is embarrassing. I'm sure he doesn't love me

telling you the story. But I tell you because I want you to

realize that was of one instance. He wasn't, like, a

bully. He didn't go around stealing all the kids' lunches and and

smashing them, right, or stealing 1 kid's lunch and smashing it over and over and

over. There's no imbalance of power. It was a new moment of emotional

dysregulation. Now we can see that

pattern if it continues, and it's 1 kid who keeps

powering over a a group. Right? It's a competitive

behavior. It's this In balance of power where 1 kid

can do that to another kid. Now like I

said, we're not going to look At, like, this list

and assume that every behavior that is happening with your children

are because they're being bullied. I just want you to Be

curious. Okay? Be open. Be curious. I wonder

what could be going on here. This behavior is out

Of norm or out of bounds for my child. And they

get a little curious. How are things on the yard? Who have you been playing

with lately? What's been going on? I noticed your

lunch. You know, you're coming home really hungry, but yet your lunch is all gone.

Are you the only one eating it, or what's going on?

So we're looking for, you know, that kind of

those signs. So we're looking for different signs in our kids to

see If what is happening

doesn't seem like, in your intuition, in your

mother instinct, or your Parenting instinct.

If you're like, something seems off here, then get

curious. So now let's get into what we can do

If our kids yeah. If we suspect they're either bullying someone

else or they're being bullied. Now let me tell

you, In a perfect world, our kids would just say

to us, mom, this kid is being mean,

or mom, I feel very insecure, and I'm doing a lot of power

over others. Okay? Maybe the kid who's being

bullied might talk about it, but a lot of times, They still

don't because they want to be able to handle

it. Right? They wanna feel that control.

They don't want to be perceived as weak. They don't wanna

tattletale because it kind of gives them more

reason to think that they deserve To be bullied in the 1st place. So they

don't wanna talk about it because they feel helpless. They are looking

for power within themselves, and they don't have it, so they don't wanna

talk about it Because they don't know they don't wanna weaken their

position, if that makes sense. They also might

fear, like, if I tell, Then the my mom's

gonna come to the school, and the kid's gonna find out, and it's gonna get

worse. Right? They feel

Worried that the kid who's been bullying them

will retaliate. And then so they might feel

helpless, they might feel scared, Or they might just be humiliated.

Kids may not want the adults to know what is being said about

them, Especially middle school, there's so much bullying in middle

school. There's so much social bullying in middle school. And there's

rumors All the time, and it can be really embarrassing to say,

oh, this, you know, this there's a rumor going around that I had sex

with so and so. And I don't you know, the kids like, I don't want

you to think that I would have sex. Like, it's so embarrassing. Kids are so

they don't wanna talk about sex at all, Especially with their parent, especially,

like, sex they're being accused of. Like, it's all so awkward.

Right? So they don't wanna talk about it. They also

fear that they'll that you'll look at them differently if you find out. If

you'll you'll look at them as if there's something wrong with them. The kids don't

ask for help because they don't want their parent to reject them nor do

they want their peers to reject them. Other kids don't

always feel like they can Help a kid being

bullied. And so if they tell their friends

and their friends don't do anything about it or don't Feel like they

can. The friend might not be supportive.

They might kind of abandon that friendship In order to

protect themselves, they're like, oh, I don't wanna be associated with that. So that's the

fear that kids have. They're they're gonna be rejected by their peers. That

does happen sometimes. But for the most part, real good friends are

kind and loving. Right? They stay supportive to their

friend. The last reason kids don't talk about

what like, about bullying is because they

already feel like they're outsiders, And

they already feel alone, and so they might

not feel like even if they tell, nobody's gonna help them.

It becomes this vicious cycle where it's like, if I tell,

it will get worse. And then it continues

to get worse, and then they say, see, I need to be handling this by

myself, but I can't. And I that means I'm, you know, not not

strong. They don't realize that it's not their

fault. It's not because they're actually weak. It's because of the

the the other kids' insecurity.

And so we wanna help our kids understand that

it's that bullying happens. We need to be really honest about it. We need to

have Very, very frank conversations about how

bullying is true. Right? So we wanna start

talking about, hey. Bullying happens. So

we're gonna start with that. We're gonna start, like, with talking about, hey. Well, you

might see bullying. You might Notice

it. And you, as the person who sees it, you can do something about

that. And so you wanna give them some tools of what they can

do If they are seeing a kid be mean to

another kid. So what are some of the things the bystander can

do? They can go right over next to

the person who's being bullied, stand next to them,

say Something like, oh, I've been looking for you. Come over with

me. Come come with me. The child your child, you

can empower them to protect others From

being bullied. And that's the beginning of the conversation

of, hey. So bullying happens. And if you see it, here's what you can

do. You can go over and say, oh, hey. I've been

looking for you. Come play with me. Or the teacher sent me to find

you. Come with me. So we wanna just go with the kid who's

being bullied and just kinda remove them from the danger. Get

help. Getting other kids On your side by

waving over the to them by saying, hey. Hey. Come over

here. Come over here. We need your help. And then the group of you say,

you're being mean. We don't like this, and then walk away.

So you can tell your child, listen. You don't have to stand up

to it alone. Go get some other friends and say, Come over here. Come help

me. So and so's being mean. They can actually intervene right

there if they see somebody. And then, also, of course, they can always go tell

a teacher or come get you, and that is fine.

So that's a great place to talk about bullying so that you're not saying

to your kid, don't be the bully and don't be bullied. Instead,

you're saying bullying happens sometimes. And if you see it, here's

what you can do about it. Let them know that's that this

happens. Then as you kind of move forward in your conversations, you

can talk to them about what would happen if you were the one being

bullied. What would you say? What would you do?

And you can start to practice and role play. You can say to

your kids, listen. If Somebody comes up to you and

they want to and they're not being nice. Instead of trying

to argue with the bully Or defend

yourself in any way, you can just say, I don't

wanna talk to you right now and walk away. You can say,

that's not nice. I'm gonna ignore you and walk away. You

can say, I have something else to do and run away. Not

engaging, not showing emotion is the best way because the

the the person who is bullying, what they're looking for is a

reaction. They're looking for a charged, you

know, big feelings. They're looking for either, you know, crying

or anger or lashing out, and it kind of fuels the

situation. So being neutral, being

like a duck with water just kind of flowing right off

of its back, that's How you want your kids to handle it. So you're

gonna have your kids practice staying

calm, looking you in the eye, and saying, I don't like

that. I'm walking away, or that's not nice,

and walking away. Or, you know,

I'm gonna ignore what you just said and walk away. So

you can practice that. The other things you wanna do

so it's, in general, teaching your children

that they can be assertive. So the first one, we're

practicing witnessing bullying. The second, we're practicing being

bullied. And then the third, we're teaching our

children That they can stand up for themselves,

that they don't have to just always be nice. Right? So

we can say teach our kids to say, hey. Stop that,

Or hands off my body. Don't touch me.

It's not okay to hurt people. I don't like being

called by that. I want you to call me by my name. Don't call me

that name, or it's my turn now.

We want our kids to have agency. We want them to have self as

to be self assertive. So we want our

kids to be able to have that internal compass, that internal

confidence. So because

Bullies, the kids who bully, they prey on kids who are perceived to

be vulnerable. So we wanna give our kids a lot

of Social skills, and we wanna practice that. So we're gonna role

play. Hey. When you are in a group and you you

know, everyone's playing playing handball, and you wanna

play too. How can you join? What's the best way? How

do you ask? It feels silly, but kids actually do

really appreciate being coached a little bit socially.

Meet some new kids at this party. How do you wanna introduce yourself? What would

you wanna say? You know? Or, oh, you really wanna

invite Jacob to your house or you wanna invite Monroe to your

to play date? Let's practice it. How will you say it? Do you wanna say

Monroe? Would you like to come to my house on a play date? So we

want our kids to feel like they have basic social skills and

that they're Confident in their peers. Because we

the vulnerability socially is really what puts our kids at risk

of being being bullied. Alright. So there was a

lot in this episode. I talked to you about sort of what

is bullying, what it's not, What are the signs

or who's likely to bully and why? And then

why some kids are more at risk of being bullied, Why some kids are

more at risk of being the bully and then how to kind

of prevent that from happening. In general, I

just want you to think about how important it is for

kids to have a positive self-concept, and I've talked about that on

this podcast a bunch. It's like What self-concept is is

the collection of thoughts I have about myself. Your kids,

the thoughts that they have about themselves are the thoughts that you give them to

think about themselves. So really thinking about

how do you think about your kid. Do you think they're a jerk?

Do you think they're mean? Do you think that they're a big problem?

Do you think that they're awkward and socially weird and whatever? It's okay,

but we wanna clear out some of those negative thoughts about our kids and make

space for what are the best thoughts that we can have our

kids think about themselves. I'm strong. I am capable.

People like me. I fit. I belong. I know how to

make friends. I'm not a problem. Like,

Positive thoughts. So work on that for yourself and pass those to kit

your kids. Now if you do suspect your kid is being bullied, then

you want to Go to the supervising

adults in the circumstances that your child is being bullied in. So if

that's at school Or on the playground or

at, you know, an enrichment activity, dance, or sports or something like

that, go to the coach. Go to the dance instructor. Go to the principal. Go

to your teacher. Talk about it, and talk about how you can

protect your child and separate them From the other

kid until everybody is safe. Alright.

If you have any questions about bullying, again, stop bullying.org

is an amazing Resource has tons and tons of resources available for

you to go deeper, or you can reach out to me. I'm taking consults

right now, so it's 20 minute complimentary consultation with

We get to talk about your kid, what you're seeing, what you're struggling with, and

I'll help you make a plan of what to do next. So that is available

on my website. We'll put a link in the show notes. So in the

meantime, I want you to just kind external parent

talk kept. It's the concept I love that I've been thinking about a

lot lately is how can I think kind thoughts about my

child, and how can I speak those into my child's life?

That is the key to prevent bullying and a kid from

being bullied. Alright, mamas. I will see you

next week. I hope you have a great