A humble warrior. He is standing for truth, respect, sovereignty.

The pain and suffering that is happening outside of you is really happening inside of you. How can you learn to deal with it instead of running away from it?

Can you hold space for your partner ?

The unity we want to see in society has to first happen inside of us.

Do you accept all parts of yourself ?

If not .. how do you expect to see the world as good and trustworthy. 

Whatever you criticize in another person is something you struggle with inside of yourself .

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Free yourself from the ongoing destructive inner chatter become the strongest most authentic version of yourself.

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Unknown: 00:00:05

Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

Unknown: 00:00:08

experience. I'm your host Aurora. And I'm very excited to

Unknown: 00:00:13

have Ryan, Matthew with me today. He is a healer, a healer

Unknown: 00:00:20

of some sort, like I follow him on Facebook, I read his posts,

Unknown: 00:00:26

and he's not the kind of healer who's going to pamper you who's

Unknown: 00:00:29

going to make you feel good all the time. He's the kind of

Unknown: 00:00:32

healer who shakes you and wakes you up and makes you aware of

Unknown: 00:00:37

your bs that you're living and wants you to break free from

Unknown: 00:00:42

victim mentality and playing small. He is a hell of a person,

Unknown: 00:00:51

I can tell already, we only had a 15 minute talk here last week.

Unknown: 00:00:55

But I'm very excited to be collaborating with Ryan, and to

Unknown: 00:01:01

have a conversation today a conversation about masculine,

Unknown: 00:01:07

feminine, about being a complex human being, and not only one

Unknown: 00:01:14

sided, and narrow minded. Welcome to the show, Ryan,

Unknown: 00:01:19

Matthew, thank you so much for making the time. And thank you

Unknown: 00:01:23

so much for inviting us a little bit into your world, and how you

Unknown: 00:01:29

approach healing, and all the content you put out there, we

Unknown: 00:01:33

want to know everything about you.

Unknown: 00:01:39

Well, thank you for that awesome introduction, that was

Unknown: 00:01:42

incredible. I really appreciate the work that you're doing as

Unknown: 00:01:46

well. And I love what we're able to do as humans and how dynamic

Unknown: 00:01:50

we can be and all the very different ways we can help each

Unknown: 00:01:53

other heal. And I love what you said about me not being able, or

Unknown: 00:01:59

me not being afraid of pointing out the Bs, I think there's a

Unknown: 00:02:04

way to do that sometimes you kind of have to circle around it

Unknown: 00:02:08

a little bit and create some awareness and allow the person

Unknown: 00:02:11

to see it themselves. And sometimes I think it's

Unknown: 00:02:13

beneficial to, you know, speak to it very directly. And I think

Unknown: 00:02:19

that's kind of what you want to talk about today is that, that

Unknown: 00:02:22

balance of things like we're not I'm not just going to go at

Unknown: 00:02:26

everything very direct very hard all the time, it's about

Unknown: 00:02:29

creating an awareness of the situation, seeing what the

Unknown: 00:02:32

situation needs, and then responding appropriately, you

Unknown: 00:02:36

know, so I love that. So some of the some of the things that are

Unknown: 00:02:41

going on in my life right now. So I install currently install

Unknown: 00:02:45

lightning protection systems on commercial buildings,

Unknown: 00:02:47

skyscrapers, things like that, across the northeast of the

Unknown: 00:02:50

United States. I am writing a chapter for a book called The

Unknown: 00:02:54

Divine union. It's wisdom from leaders who honor the divine

Unknown: 00:02:58

masculine and feminine. I have a music project called full shine,

Unknown: 00:03:03

it's fo l shine because we're just a couple fools but we're

Unknown: 00:03:07

still shining, we're having fun. And and then I'm also a couple

Unknown: 00:03:13

months away from getting my coaching certification from

Unknown: 00:03:15

AIPAC, which is the Institute for professional excellence in

Unknown: 00:03:18

coaching. And I'll be starting that business at some point as

Unknown: 00:03:23

well. And it's really all all of it is really centered on

Unknown: 00:03:27

creating space for people supporting people while they do

Unknown: 00:03:31

their own healing, you know, I i'm not i don't think that I'm

Unknown: 00:03:35

better than anyone or above anyone or I need to help anyone.

Unknown: 00:03:39

Everybody needs to help themselves, right? And so that's

Unknown: 00:03:42

what it's about is creating a safe container where people feel

Unknown: 00:03:45

like they can do that without fear. Without you know, well

Unknown: 00:03:50

just the fear in general but fear of judgments fear,

Unknown: 00:03:52

criticisms, fear of other people's fear. And so I feel

Unknown: 00:03:58

like you know, my mission right now is to help create that

Unknown: 00:04:01

space. stand firmly in the middle, create unity. And you

Unknown: 00:04:08

know, stand for truth stand first back stand for

Unknown: 00:04:11

sovereignty.

Unknown: 00:04:12

Hmm, this is sweet music in my ears. And I love Yeah, like I

Unknown: 00:04:20

said earlier, how complex you approach living and how you

Unknown: 00:04:25

approach healing from all different kinds of angles like

Unknown: 00:04:29

music is so healing and creating a safe space is so healing and

Unknown: 00:04:35

then receiving advice from you as healing but also having the

Unknown: 00:04:39

space to realize on like at your own time, where you want to heal

Unknown: 00:04:46

and grow. And I feel one thing that we really have in common

Unknown: 00:04:50

too is that we notice the gap between the feminine and the

Unknown: 00:04:56

masculine and how we want to unite again And how was it? on

Unknown: 00:05:03

your journey? my listeners know quite well, why I'm doing what

Unknown: 00:05:08

I'm doing. But how, what was it for you like, what did you have

Unknown: 00:05:11

to go through in order to want to heal this in society?

Unknown: 00:05:22

Well, I had to go through it in myself first, right? So

Unknown: 00:05:27

everything that every every issue that we see in the world

Unknown: 00:05:32

today is inside of us somewhere. And I realized when I went

Unknown: 00:05:37

through my divorce, that my part of the divorce and my

Unknown: 00:05:42

relationship ending was that I didn't have a healthy

Unknown: 00:05:45

relationship with my own feminine energy. I could not

Unknown: 00:05:50

hold space for my ex wife, when she was in turmoil, when she was

Unknown: 00:05:55

going through something emotionally, I couldn't hold

Unknown: 00:05:58

space for her, because I couldn't hold space for myself.

Unknown: 00:06:01

And so ultimately, what we're talking about is the divine,

Unknown: 00:06:07

like the divine union that we're talking about that needs to

Unknown: 00:06:09

happen in society, so that society can come together, and

Unknown: 00:06:12

its wholeness as a collective needs to happen in us first,

Unknown: 00:06:16

we're not going to be able to unite anyone if we're divided

Unknown: 00:06:21

within ourselves, right. And so that's really why I'm so

Unknown: 00:06:25

passionate about people taking responsibility is because I know

Unknown: 00:06:30

that I, I can't change anybody, the only thing I can do is

Unknown: 00:06:35

change myself. And when I do so, so over the last three years,

Unknown: 00:06:40

there's been a ton of stuff, and we can dive into it more, I'm

Unknown: 00:06:42

sure. But over the last three years, my world, what I see in

Unknown: 00:06:47

the world has changed completely. I mean, I am a

Unknown: 00:06:51

totally different person than I was today. And so the world

Unknown: 00:06:54

around me looks completely different. Because we see the

Unknown: 00:06:58

world as we are not as you know, what we believe the world to be

Unknown: 00:07:03

so. So it really just starts by, you know, one thing that was so

Unknown: 00:07:10

powerful for me was, I think it was Byron, Katie, she said

Unknown: 00:07:14

something like, whenever I judge someone else, I turn it back on

Unknown: 00:07:19

myself. And so if I'm criticizing someone else, I say,

Unknown: 00:07:22

do I do that? Like ever? Do I ever do when I'm criticizing

Unknown: 00:07:28

this person for maybe not in this very particular situation

Unknown: 00:07:31

that I'm witnessing in front of me right now. But, you know, say

Unknown: 00:07:34

somebody is being very selfish. And you're saying, am I ever

Unknown: 00:07:38

selfish? And if you really look at it, and you are really honest

Unknown: 00:07:42

with yourself, everybody's selfish at some point, right?

Unknown: 00:07:46

And so it creates this space of like, I'm selfish. Why am I

Unknown: 00:07:51

selfish? So maybe why is that person being selfish in this

Unknown: 00:07:56

moment, it allows you to have empathy for people, you know,

Unknown: 00:07:58

when you're able to put it back on yourself, and you say, you

Unknown: 00:08:02

know, okay, everything that I'm experiencing, right, or

Unknown: 00:08:04

everything they're experiencing right now, I also experience

Unknown: 00:08:08

Well, now you just realize that we're all the same, we're all

Unknown: 00:08:12

dealing with the same stuff. The problem is, is that we don't

Unknown: 00:08:15

admit it to ourselves, you know, we, and we stay in our shadow

Unknown: 00:08:19

about it. And and when we don't admit things to ourself, there's

Unknown: 00:08:25

I mean, that's the gateway to everything right? That they say

Unknown: 00:08:28

that with addiction. First, you have to admit that you're

Unknown: 00:08:30

addicted to something. It's the same thing, like healing our

Unknown: 00:08:33

traumas and saying, you know, okay, I have an abandonment

Unknown: 00:08:38

wound. How do I address this, if you if you're not admitting that

Unknown: 00:08:41

you have an abandonment wound, and I have had one, believe me,

Unknown: 00:08:44

I probably still do and still buried in there somewhere. But

Unknown: 00:08:48

if you're not admitting that to yourself, you can never really

Unknown: 00:08:52

start to work on it, because you're just in denial. And so

Unknown: 00:08:55

I'm very passionate about every individual taking responsibility

Unknown: 00:08:59

for themselves so that we as a collective can take

Unknown: 00:09:01

responsibility together. And that, you know, if that happens,

Unknown: 00:09:06

if every person takes responsibility, and we come

Unknown: 00:09:09

together as a united collective, there is no limit to what we

Unknown: 00:09:12

could do to change this world. You know,

Unknown: 00:09:15

yes, yes. Oh, this makes so much sense. And what I'm learning

Unknown: 00:09:21

while I'm listening to you right now is that when we are in

Unknown: 00:09:25

denial of our shadows, it also gives us a false sense of power,

Unknown: 00:09:31

right? We look at the other person and say he or she is

Unknown: 00:09:34

being selfish, because I'm never selfish that she is being

Unknown: 00:09:38

selfish and now I'm gonna make her feel bad about it. I will

Unknown: 00:09:41

guilt trip, I will punish. And all we're doing is punishing

Unknown: 00:09:46

ourselves but we think we're doing it to the other person,

Unknown: 00:09:51

and not knowing that we're poisoning our own environment

Unknown: 00:09:56

like our head, our body Everything in in not seeing

Unknown: 00:10:02

where we still can grow. And it's it's really tough. You

Unknown: 00:10:06

know, like, you can probably agree that when you start

Unknown: 00:10:10

started out on this journey, you were like holy shit, like I was

Unknown: 00:10:14

responsible for all this all the time and I blamed it on somebody

Unknown: 00:10:19

else, oh, I'm such a horrible person like that Not drift into

Unknown: 00:10:28

self hate and regret and, and you know to numb this out with

Unknown: 00:10:34

alcohol or drugs now like it's it's such a courageous path to

Unknown: 00:10:40

be on and people have to know that waking up and realizing

Unknown: 00:10:45

things is not always nice it's tough but it is so worth to walk

Unknown: 00:10:53

that path and to be lonely for a certain time. How about

Unknown: 00:10:58

loneliness? Do you feel loneliness at times when you

Unknown: 00:11:03

when you started out on that path? Or still to this day, and

Unknown: 00:11:09

the importance of alone time and allowing to feel lonely?

Unknown: 00:11:18

Yeah, so I can't say I really experienced loneliness any more.

Unknown: 00:11:24

But I definitely did when I started this, when basically

Unknown: 00:11:28

when I cracked open and when I decided that I didn't know

Unknown: 00:11:32

everything. And I was willing to learn from other people who had

Unknown: 00:11:36

more experience than me who had done more work than me. And put

Unknown: 00:11:41

put aside my dogmatic thinking, you know, because I think we all

Unknown: 00:11:45

kind of get conditioned by the world. And then we're like,

Unknown: 00:11:47

Okay, this is how the world is, I'm right, everybody else is

Unknown: 00:11:50

wrong, right? This is an unhealthy growing of the ego.

Unknown: 00:11:54

And so then we have all these unhealthy egos, which are really

Unknown: 00:11:56

just a bunch of hurt children running around hurting

Unknown: 00:11:59

everybody. And, and so when I put that aside, and I said, You

Unknown: 00:12:04

know what? I am one person out of what, 7.8 billion people on

Unknown: 00:12:10

the planet right now, how arrogant is it of me to think

Unknown: 00:12:14

that I have it all figured out, and that everybody else is

Unknown: 00:12:18

wrong. And there is a wealth of knowledge in every single

Unknown: 00:12:23

person, right? We all go through life so differently, we've all

Unknown: 00:12:26

been brought up through so many different experiences and

Unknown: 00:12:30

cultures and all this stuff. And so when we allow ourselves to be

Unknown: 00:12:33

open to different ideas, different perceptions, different

Unknown: 00:12:36

ways of doing things. It's not saying that everybody else has

Unknown: 00:12:41

it figured out either. So there's a matter of trust that

Unknown: 00:12:45

needs to be built between your own intuition and yourself. But

Unknown: 00:12:50

when we allow ourselves to be open, you know, I went to some

Unknown: 00:12:54

retreats, I hired a coach, I invested in myself, right, I

Unknown: 00:12:58

spent a lot of money on this. So over the last three years, but

Unknown: 00:13:02

ultimately, it was because I was so miserable, with thinking that

Unknown: 00:13:05

I was right, and everybody was wrong. That's where the real

Unknown: 00:13:09

loneliness came in was I had separated myself from everyone,

Unknown: 00:13:14

because my ego was like, No, this is the right way. Right?

Unknown: 00:13:18

And, and it was so lonely there. And, and basically, all that I

Unknown: 00:13:24

had was were superficial attachments to people that

Unknown: 00:13:28

really had no depth at all. And so when I allowed myself to open

Unknown: 00:13:32

up and start to connect with different people, and a lot of

Unknown: 00:13:36

amazing, unconditionally loving people held so much beautiful

Unknown: 00:13:40

space for me, and allowed me to play around with childlike

Unknown: 00:13:43

innocence in all these new realms of things that I was

Unknown: 00:13:46

exploring. And they were like, yeah, you're doing great, and I

Unknown: 00:13:50

was like, a freaking mess, you know, but they weren't judging

Unknown: 00:13:53

me. And that was so important. And so you feel that from

Unknown: 00:13:57

certain people. And, and that just helped me to keep going,

Unknown: 00:14:02

you know, and then these people, you know, as you start to shift

Unknown: 00:14:05

out of this dogmatic way of thinking, right, you're

Unknown: 00:14:07

separating from other people that may agree with you. And

Unknown: 00:14:10

they're very firm in their beliefs, and they're very stuck

Unknown: 00:14:12

in their dogma, you start breaking away from those people,

Unknown: 00:14:16

and that scares them. And so they kind of try to like claw

Unknown: 00:14:21

back at you. And then you learn to set healthy boundaries for

Unknown: 00:14:24

yourself, and like, no, my time and energy is worth it, and I

Unknown: 00:14:27

deserve to be respected. And so you start to set healthy

Unknown: 00:14:30

boundaries, you start to see people fall away when you do

Unknown: 00:14:33

that. And so there was a period of loneliness, you know, before

Unknown: 00:14:36

I started this work, and then and that was the worst of it.

Unknown: 00:14:40

And then also after I got into it, because people from what I

Unknown: 00:14:45

call my old life, because it's so foreign to me now people from

Unknown: 00:14:49

my old life started to fall away. And there was a time where

Unknown: 00:14:53

there really wasn't a whole lot of people on the other side that

Unknown: 00:14:57

were in my life, and so for Little while I felt very

Unknown: 00:15:01

unsupported. I felt like the support that was coming my way

Unknown: 00:15:06

was just another form of dogma. And they were like, We love and

Unknown: 00:15:09

support you. But, you know, you basically have to believe what

Unknown: 00:15:12

we believe, which was basically what I came from right. And so,

Unknown: 00:15:18

but then, through the work, and through speaking my truth and

Unknown: 00:15:22

sharing my story, you start to

Unknown: 00:15:25

people that resonate with that start to come into your life.

Unknown: 00:15:28

And I have two, dear, dear friends that came into my life.

Unknown: 00:15:33

And I haven't even met them in person yet, which is the funny

Unknown: 00:15:36

part, we met over zoom, we still communicate over zoom and over

Unknown: 00:15:40

the phone, but I consider them to be two of my best friends.

Unknown: 00:15:43

They're just unconditionally loving, non judgmental. We

Unknown: 00:15:47

challenge each other all the time, we don't have

Unknown: 00:15:50

conversations about superficial stuff. I mean, it's all deep, I

Unknown: 00:15:53

get on the phone with my buddy, Jim. And it's like, Hey, man,

Unknown: 00:15:57

how you doing? And he's like, I'm good. I feel like what's

Unknown: 00:16:00

going on in the world right now. I mean, we just jumped right in

Unknown: 00:16:03

some really deep topic. And so those are the relationships

Unknown: 00:16:07

where when you're accessing a depth in your communication with

Unknown: 00:16:11

each other, and the conversations that you're having

Unknown: 00:16:13

the conversations that we're having right now, that is like,

Unknown: 00:16:17

that's where we actually all want to be, I feel like is that

Unknown: 00:16:21

depth, like, we are so dynamic as human beings, and we've lost

Unknown: 00:16:24

that. And so you start to feel that again, and it is like, the

Unknown: 00:16:29

warmest sensation out there. And, and what there is a period

Unknown: 00:16:35

of loneliness that I feel like is inevitable, and anybody that

Unknown: 00:16:39

I've talked to, that's done this work will say the same thing.

Unknown: 00:16:43

Loneliness is part of it. And I've had to face that wound of

Unknown: 00:16:47

not wanting to be alone, you know, because, because I had to,

Unknown: 00:16:51

I had to be alone for a little while. And and, you know, I

Unknown: 00:16:54

would go back to the people from my old life, seeking their

Unknown: 00:16:57

approval, things like that, because I didn't want to be

Unknown: 00:17:00

alone. And then I eventually had to be honest with myself about

Unknown: 00:17:03

that, too, and say, why am I seeking approval from people

Unknown: 00:17:07

that I've really don't agree with in any capacity anymore? I

Unknown: 00:17:12

love them. And you know, I cherish their freedom to think

Unknown: 00:17:16

what they think but it really doesn't resonate with me

Unknown: 00:17:18

anymore. Why am I still seeking their approval? Well, because I

Unknown: 00:17:22

didn't want to be alone. And so that was a wound that I had to

Unknown: 00:17:25

heal, and now I'll be alone all the time. And I still don't feel

Unknown: 00:17:33

lonely, I still feel so connected to everything. I mean,

Unknown: 00:17:37

I just spent four days and four nights out in the woods with no

Unknown: 00:17:40

food and no water and Native American ceremony. And I felt

Unknown: 00:17:45

more connected to life than I've ever felt before. And so you

Unknown: 00:17:51

know, but that all comes from healing those wounds But anyway,

Unknown: 00:17:56

I'm kind of getting off on a rant here or a tangent there

Unknown: 00:17:59

there is loneliness that has to be faced and I have absolutely

Unknown: 00:18:02

faced that for sure.

Unknown: 00:18:03

Yeah, yeah. Wow, that is so beautiful. Like especially when

Unknown: 00:18:08

you talk about your last four days It sounds like you are able

Unknown: 00:18:12

to source love and energy from nature and from the good people

Unknown: 00:18:20

that are around you and food is our primary like thing to

Unknown: 00:18:25

restore our energy but for some reason you you manage to tap in

Unknown: 00:18:30

a different into a different like, I don't know dimension How

Unknown: 00:18:35

do you call this? Where you were you fill your your energy tank

Unknown: 00:18:41

off? Or in with with nature is that Did I get that right? No

Unknown: 00:18:47

water and no food for four days?

Unknown: 00:18:50

Yeah, so so the ceremony is four days and four nights long. I

Unknown: 00:18:54

came down after three days and three nights, because I felt

Unknown: 00:18:58

called to come down off the hill. But yeah, no food, water

Unknown: 00:19:01

for four days, four nights, you're sitting in a little six

Unknown: 00:19:04

foot by eight foot rectangle. And, you know, part of what I

Unknown: 00:19:09

experienced out there was you know, I'm looking at all these

Unknown: 00:19:12

ants crawling on the ground around me, you know, I don't

Unknown: 00:19:15

have a bed or anything, you're just sleeping on the ground and.

Unknown: 00:19:20

And I'm looking at all these ants. And these birds up in the

Unknown: 00:19:24

trees and all these little creatures, right? And I'm

Unknown: 00:19:28

watching these ants just go back and forth between wherever they

Unknown: 00:19:31

were coming from back to their home, with these little twigs in

Unknown: 00:19:34

their mouth, or leaves in their mouth or, you know, another dead

Unknown: 00:19:36

end in their mouth or whatever. And I'm like, these ants are

Unknown: 00:19:41

just like me, they're fulfilling their purpose. They're just

Unknown: 00:19:45

doing their thing. They're surviving. They're building a

Unknown: 00:19:47

home, they're eating. I was like, and they have everything

Unknown: 00:19:52

they need, right on the ground right in front of them, the

Unknown: 00:19:55

leaves, the twigs, whatever they need for their home. It's right

Unknown: 00:19:57

there and there's a huge colony of ants. That's thriving.

Unknown: 00:20:00

Underground somewhere, I don't know where they're home,

Unknown: 00:20:02

actually. But, you know, and so I realized that the same is for

Unknown: 00:20:07

us. And something that was in the Bible came back to me. I

Unknown: 00:20:10

think Jesus said, you know, it's the birds of the trees and the

Unknown: 00:20:12

insects of the forests. You know, the smallest creatures

Unknown: 00:20:16

that are in existence are important enough to God to have

Unknown: 00:20:20

their needs met, what makes you think your needs aren't going to

Unknown: 00:20:22

be met. And that came back to me in a different way after this

Unknown: 00:20:26

experience of, if I'm doing what I feel like I'm supposed to be

Unknown: 00:20:31

doing healing myself, supporting others, while they do their own

Unknown: 00:20:34

healing, living into the purpose of why I feel like I'm here, all

Unknown: 00:20:39

my needs will always be met. And so I got an immense amount of

Unknown: 00:20:45

peace after that experience of, Okay, I'm on my path, I'm not

Unknown: 00:20:51

worried about anything. And I mean, I've just been in a flow

Unknown: 00:20:54

state for, you know, a couple months now. But it's, it really

Unknown: 00:21:00

is very powerful. And so when we can see that, you know, a big

Unknown: 00:21:08

problem in our society today is people are not living their

Unknown: 00:21:11

purpose, people are feeling unfulfilled, they're feeling

Unknown: 00:21:13

like their lives don't matter. And that comes from a place

Unknown: 00:21:17

inside of not feeling whole, not feeling loved, not feeling

Unknown: 00:21:25

important for like, they're, they have anything to

Unknown: 00:21:28

contribute. And all that stems from, you know, the way we were

Unknown: 00:21:36

raised our conditioning, all that stuff, and so, but when we

Unknown: 00:21:40

do this work, and we heal inside and we become whole, we live

Unknown: 00:21:47

life so much lighter, it's it's like, you just go through life,

Unknown: 00:21:51

knowing that everything is going to be provided for you. Even

Unknown: 00:21:55

even the bad, you know, what we would judge as bad experiences,

Unknown: 00:21:59

right? Even that is for us. I mean, I broke my ankle. This is

Unknown: 00:22:05

this is kind of one of the catalystic events that happened

Unknown: 00:22:08

for me recently is I broke my ankle at work. And it was like

Unknown: 00:22:14

the dumbest thing like I was just like, stepping over this

Unknown: 00:22:16

little fence, and my foot got caught and I snapped my ankle.

Unknown: 00:22:20

And, you know, for about 15 minutes, I was laying on the

Unknown: 00:22:23

ground in agonizing pain, causing way more pain on top of

Unknown: 00:22:28

it by thinking about Oh shit, how am I going to pay my bills,

Unknown: 00:22:32

I know this is gonna put me out of work for a few months, all

Unknown: 00:22:34

these other anxieties came in and layered on top. And then I

Unknown: 00:22:38

remembered what Dr. David Hawkins said in his book, one of

Unknown: 00:22:42

his books, he has a lot that I read. But one of his books, he

Unknown: 00:22:45

said, when you focus when you bring all your attention to the

Unknown: 00:22:48

pain, it eventually runs out. And so I did that with my ankle,

Unknown: 00:22:54

and the pain ran out after about 10 or 15 minutes, and I was able

Unknown: 00:22:57

to get to a place of peace where I said, Okay, what opportunities

Unknown: 00:23:03

are going to be opened up because of this. And my boss

Unknown: 00:23:07

called me like five or 10 minutes later and was like, Hey,

Unknown: 00:23:10

we don't want to put this through workman's comp. I just

Unknown: 00:23:12

want to pay you your full salary. And we'll cover all your

Unknown: 00:23:15

medical bills for however long that you're out. And I was like,

Unknown: 00:23:19

okay, that's amazing. So there goes, all my needs being

Unknown: 00:23:23

provided for right. What I didn't know at the time was that

Unknown: 00:23:27

was going to lead into

Unknown: 00:23:31

the darkest, darkest depths of my shadow that I could have ever

Unknown: 00:23:36

experienced. I mean, I worked full time, you know, 6070 hours

Unknown: 00:23:40

a week, I was going through coaching school, I was building

Unknown: 00:23:43

an HR program for the company that I work for now, before I

Unknown: 00:23:47

broke my ankle. And so I went from doing things 90 hours a

Unknown: 00:23:51

week to sitting on my couch or the leg cast on not really being

Unknown: 00:23:55

able to to anything, and I was in a very toxic relationship at

Unknown: 00:23:59

the time. That relationship ended up ending. I fell down my

Unknown: 00:24:04

stairs on my crutches, I broke my leg cast, I put a giant hole

Unknown: 00:24:07

in the wall at the bottom of my staircase. And, and that was

Unknown: 00:24:12

when that was when I broke open. So I'd cracked open before that

Unknown: 00:24:16

right I started introducing these things and try on new

Unknown: 00:24:19

concepts and learning. That was when I had the biggest release

Unknown: 00:24:23

of energy out of my body that I've ever had grief rage. I

Unknown: 00:24:27

mean, I sat at the bottom of my stairs and I cried for hours and

Unknown: 00:24:31

later that week, I raged for hours in my living room, I

Unknown: 00:24:34

screaming at the top of my lungs, flailing my arms, I

Unknown: 00:24:37

probably looked like a lunatic. If you had walked in on me, you

Unknown: 00:24:40

would have wanted to run the hell out of there. But that it

Unknown: 00:24:44

was all that stuff that was locked up in my emotional body.

Unknown: 00:24:48

And it wasn't just from my ankle. It wasn't just from

Unknown: 00:24:52

falling down the stairs. It wasn't just from my relationship

Unknown: 00:24:55

ending. It was those old wounds those generational patterns

Unknown: 00:25:00

conditioning of my life and the lives of my parents and their

Unknown: 00:25:04

parents that was coming through and so it was so much pain you

Unknown: 00:25:08

know you cry when a relationship ends it's hard this was so

Unknown: 00:25:13

different for me it was like I was crying because of all the

Unknown: 00:25:17

relationships my mom went through that ended that caused

Unknown: 00:25:21

her to be in such pain that she couldn't show up the way that

Unknown: 00:25:23

she was supposed to show up for us when she was raising us as

Unknown: 00:25:26

children's and so it led to this whole other cycle of pain for me

Unknown: 00:25:31

that I had to work through and then I became angry at the world

Unknown: 00:25:35

you know, I think we're all angry at the world to a certain

Unknown: 00:25:38

degree because of our conditioning but I had gone into

Unknown: 00:25:40

that rage I went in there with all of my attention and I and

Unknown: 00:25:44

that's what made me so passionate about doing this work

Unknown: 00:25:47

and becoming a healer and supporting people while they do

Unknown: 00:25:50

their healing is because all that pain that I felt in that

Unknown: 00:25:54

moment at the bottom of my staircase when I was raging on

Unknown: 00:25:57

my couch in my living room all of that stemmed from other

Unknown: 00:26:01

people not doing their work and hurting everybody else because

Unknown: 00:26:05

of it and and I'm not angry at those people at all I'm not

Unknown: 00:26:10

saying that but what I am saying is that when we do our work we

Unknown: 00:26:19

we can cure generational curses we can you know you can call

Unknown: 00:26:25

them whatever you want but there's a timeline things that

Unknown: 00:26:30

happened right and and you know, my mother was very hurt by her

Unknown: 00:26:35

mother I was very hurt by my mother and if I don't address

Unknown: 00:26:39

that I'm going to hurt my children as well when I go into

Unknown: 00:26:43

those wounds and I release that rage and that grief First of

Unknown: 00:26:47

all, I mean my body feels better than it ever has because all

Unknown: 00:26:50

that junk is out of there but second of all I'm able to look

Unknown: 00:26:54

at people with compassion and say wow, she is really treating

Unknown: 00:26:59

her child like crap right now and I feel so sorry for her

Unknown: 00:27:04

instead of getting angry again stepping in you know I mean

Unknown: 00:27:09

sometimes you have to step in if there's abuse but you know being

Unknown: 00:27:12

angry judging that person now you're just adding to the pain

Unknown: 00:27:16

that they're putting out into the world instead of having

Unknown: 00:27:18

compassion for somebody and so we're able to get into that

Unknown: 00:27:23

compassionate place that heart centered empathetic place when

Unknown: 00:27:27

we look at the wounds that we have in our own lives and and

Unknown: 00:27:32

were able to heal stuff that would have just continued

Unknown: 00:27:36

forever right like another little child as a 30 year old

Unknown: 00:27:40

man hurting somebody else because he hasn't dealt with his

Unknown: 00:27:42

stuff and I feel like I again I kind of went on a tangent here I

Unknown: 00:27:49

don't even remember what your original question was but I'm

Unknown: 00:27:51

not sure if it matters

Unknown: 00:27:54

so that's that's what made me so passionate about doing this

Unknown: 00:27:57

healing was going into those dark dark places and then seeing

Unknown: 00:28:00

what life looks like on the other side walking a little tall

Unknown: 00:28:05

you know feeling a little lighter feeling like I can hold

Unknown: 00:28:09

so much more and I don't feel like a victim and I don't feel

Unknown: 00:28:12

like you know the world is out to get me or against me I feel

Unknown: 00:28:17

like everything in the world is happening for me and I've been

Unknown: 00:28:19

shown that so many times in my life that and I want everybody

Unknown: 00:28:25

to feel that you know even the bat even a broken ankles even

Unknown: 00:28:29

the ended relationships even the holes in your drywall you know

Unknown: 00:28:33

it's all happening for us and yeah that's why I'm here is help

Unknown: 00:28:40

people find that you know,

Unknown: 00:28:42

oh man that's so powerful and I listened to you and then I

Unknown: 00:28:47

started thinking now like how can I because I feel that build

Unknown: 00:28:50

up inside of me I can feel the pain from my mom and my grandpa

Unknown: 00:28:55

and my dad and grandma. I feel I want to explode and get rid of

Unknown: 00:29:03

all that pain but how can I do it without breaking my ankle?

Unknown: 00:29:06

That's my question right now. Well I need to roll my ankle

Unknown: 00:29:12

class but but yeah, you describe it so vividly and I can see it

Unknown: 00:29:18

you're breaking a vicious cycles. So to say an emotional,

Unknown: 00:29:23

vicious cycle and you were able to break out because you choose

Unknown: 00:29:27

to not see yourself as a victim. You choose to see this as an

Unknown: 00:29:31

opportunity to create your own sense of masculinity and

Unknown: 00:29:37

femininity and I'm so excited right now you can see it all on

Unknown: 00:29:43

the wire. Love it. And I want to ask you like the time is

Unknown: 00:29:48

running, but I feel we need to meet up again. I want to ask

Unknown: 00:29:53

you, you went through all this and you were able to release

Unknown: 00:29:58

this pain years. sense of masculinity must have changed

Unknown: 00:30:05

like when you look at yourself when you first got engaged or or

Unknown: 00:30:10

married your your ex wife and now you look at at Ryan today

Unknown: 00:30:17

like the shift that you have done and and how would you

Unknown: 00:30:22

describe that feeling and how do you observe the interaction with

Unknown: 00:30:28

women like how it changed from back then to now How has your

Unknown: 00:30:33

relation changed with women ever since?

Unknown: 00:30:40

Yeah so back then I was very emasculated. I don't even know

Unknown: 00:30:45

if I want to call myself masculine at that point,

Unknown: 00:30:47

masculine shadow for sure. But it was very, I was very much a

Unknown: 00:30:53

people pleaser, I've always been a good provider. I've you know,

Unknown: 00:30:57

financially, security, things like that, that's always come

Unknown: 00:31:01

naturally to me. But as far as being able to hold space for

Unknown: 00:31:05

women, I was terrible at that, because I couldn't manage my own

Unknown: 00:31:09

emotions, right. And, and I was very much a people pleaser, like

Unknown: 00:31:13

I said, I had an abandonment wound, I didn't want people to

Unknown: 00:31:16

leave, I became a doormat, in certain situations, where women

Unknown: 00:31:20

just kind of walked all over me, I was very irritated, very angry

Unknown: 00:31:24

all the time, there was a subtle layer of frustration that I

Unknown: 00:31:27

lived with for so long before that, before all this stuff

Unknown: 00:31:31

happened. And, you know, it would it would come to a head

Unknown: 00:31:35

very often and you know, I'd be working on you know, I had a

Unknown: 00:31:38

landscaping business for a while I'd be working on a lawn mower

Unknown: 00:31:40

or something, and I something wouldn't go my way. And I

Unknown: 00:31:42

chucked my wrench across the wall, you know, we see this all

Unknown: 00:31:45

the time with men, they're just throwing things. I mean, this

Unknown: 00:31:48

was me, you know, this was me. And, and that anger, I mean, oh,

Unknown: 00:31:54

you're just angry at everything. And, and there are plenty of

Unknown: 00:31:58

things that that kind of, we need to be angry about in the in

Unknown: 00:32:02

the world today. But that subtle layer of anger was really just

Unknown: 00:32:06

covering up all the hurt that was inside of me from my mother

Unknown: 00:32:09

controlling me when I was younger, for my parents, not

Unknown: 00:32:14

accepting me for who I was, and trying to get me to fit into

Unknown: 00:32:18

this box of who they thought I should be. And, you know, always

Unknown: 00:32:22

saying, oh, Ryan, that's so great. But you could do it

Unknown: 00:32:25

better this way next time or something, you know, and that

Unknown: 00:32:28

really develops this whole thing of, well, I'm not good enough.

Unknown: 00:32:31

Because I, it's great, but it could be better, right? And so

Unknown: 00:32:36

when I work through all that stuff, it's, you know, when you

Unknown: 00:32:39

think you're not good enough, you have no confidence, who the

Unknown: 00:32:42

hell would when they're thinking that. And when I realized that I

Unknown: 00:32:46

was enough, just as I am, and every flaw and positive thing

Unknown: 00:32:51

all thrown in there I am everything right? I'm still

Unknown: 00:32:54

insecure, I still work through wounds every day. And so I'm not

Unknown: 00:33:00

going to deny that. And I think that's the key is your own in

Unknown: 00:33:05

your shit. You're just saying, like, yeah, it wasn't really

Unknown: 00:33:08

fair that my parents did that for me. But it happened to me.

Unknown: 00:33:11

And it's my responsibility to deal with it now. And so I have

Unknown: 00:33:14

this very strong sense of confidence, knowing that I'm

Unknown: 00:33:17

strong enough to deal with that stuff now. And I'm definitely

Unknown: 00:33:23

not a doormat anymore. And I very much hold space for women.

Unknown: 00:33:27

And they feel that there's many women that reach out to me and

Unknown: 00:33:31

tell me their stories. Because they can feel that my energy is

Unknown: 00:33:35

pure, and that I don't want anything from them. I don't need

Unknown: 00:33:37

anything from them, I stand true. And myself, I have a good

Unknown: 00:33:40

balance in my own psyche, my own body of my masculine and

Unknown: 00:33:45

feminine polarities, and they are married inside of me. And

Unknown: 00:33:49

that's the thing is, we need to marry our own polarities inside

Unknown: 00:33:54

ourselves before we can ever marry with a divine feminine

Unknown: 00:33:59

woman, you know, who stands in her power, a man who isn't

Unknown: 00:34:03

married within himself is never gonna be able to maintain a

Unknown: 00:34:06

marriage with a woman who is firm and herself, he'll be

Unknown: 00:34:10

insecure as hell the whole time. Because he knows that

Unknown: 00:34:14

something's off. And so I'm very confident in myself now. And,

Unknown: 00:34:20

and women feel that and, and so it's a power that can very

Unknown: 00:34:25

easily be abused. And I'm aware of that. And I'm very keen to

Unknown: 00:34:30

recognize that it is a responsibility to live here, and

Unknown: 00:34:35

to hold space for women so that they, I mean, and I'll just be

Unknown: 00:34:39

honest, without women, I wouldn't be here right now,

Unknown: 00:34:41

standing in this energy embodying what I embody. I mean,

Unknown: 00:34:45

it is the women in my life that were hold within themselves that

Unknown: 00:34:48

nurtured everything that I was going through, you know, I

Unknown: 00:34:51

called my friend Sarah, at two o'clock in the morning when I

Unknown: 00:34:54

was needed to rage in my living room and she told me, Ryan, you

Unknown: 00:34:58

have to get yourself a rational let yourself feel your body it's

Unknown: 00:35:02

not your you know, get out of your head, you're not going to

Unknown: 00:35:04

rationalize any of this, just scream, just let yourself do it.

Unknown: 00:35:08

And without her support, I wouldn't have felt, you know,

Unknown: 00:35:11

work through that rage. And so

Unknown: 00:35:15

I forget where I was going with this. But yeah, I mean, the

Unknown: 00:35:21

marriage inside comes first. And then when you unite with other

Unknown: 00:35:25

divine masculine men, divine women, and you respect each

Unknown: 00:35:29

other sovereignty, I mean, it is just a beautiful, beautiful

Unknown: 00:35:32

place to live. It's it's harmonious. It is respectful is

Unknown: 00:35:37

love in the deepest form. And it's, it's magic, really. And

Unknown: 00:35:42

that's the difference between where I was before, and where I

Unknown: 00:35:45

was today, no magic, absolute magic, absolute passion, love

Unknown: 00:35:51

for life, love for everything, every experience, that's that's

Unknown: 00:35:55

a difference.

Unknown: 00:35:57

Oh, my goodness, that's, I love when you say like, the masculine

Unknown: 00:36:03

and feminine has to get married inside of you first. Because

Unknown: 00:36:09

otherwise, in the outside world, we see separation, and we act

Unknown: 00:36:16

separately from each other. And so deeply inspiring. Like, I

Unknown: 00:36:21

love the words that you use, and I love to really picture your

Unknown: 00:36:27

pain and everything you've gone through to see you now happy and

Unknown: 00:36:32

and, like, resolved so to say and standing your truth standing

Unknown: 00:36:39

your man and it's so incredibly attractive, like super magnetic.

Unknown: 00:36:46

And yeah, I've just feel so blessed to have met you and to

Unknown: 00:36:52

have you on my show. And now, incredible, thank you so much. I

Unknown: 00:37:00

will make sure to let people know how they can contact you as

Unknown: 00:37:04

a Facebook, that is the easiest.

Unknown: 00:37:08

Yeah, Facebook, I'm just on there. As Ryan, Matthew, I have

Unknown: 00:37:11

a couple other pages full shine as a page on Facebook, you can

Unknown: 00:37:15

search full shine on Spotify, or Apple Music or whatever and

Unknown: 00:37:18

check out our music. We have a new album coming out in the

Unknown: 00:37:20

fall. You know, and thank you for the work that you're doing.

Unknown: 00:37:24

You know, I really honor and respect to you. And you know,

Unknown: 00:37:28

what you're doing is very magnetic as well the

Unknown: 00:37:30

conversations that you're having with other men and women is

Unknown: 00:37:34

super inspiring. I've listened to a couple other episodes that

Unknown: 00:37:36

have been on here, very similar things to what we talked about

Unknown: 00:37:39

today. And this is very much in line with with that divine union

Unknown: 00:37:44

within ourselves. And I love the work that you're doing and I

Unknown: 00:37:46

really respect you.

Unknown: 00:37:48

Thank you so much. Yeah, make sure to check out Ryan Matthew

Unknown: 00:37:53

on Facebook, and full shine on Spotify, Spotify, or on

Unknown: 00:38:00

Facebook. This music is incredible. Like very, very good

Unknown: 00:38:05

for your heart and your soul. Yeah, that was it. Thanks for

Unknown: 00:38:12

listening. If you haven't yet, please subscribe. And if you

Unknown: 00:38:16

want to leave me a tap on the shoulder. Make sure to leave a

Unknown: 00:38:23

review on Apple podcast, it wouldn't mean the world to me.

Unknown: 00:38:27

Thank you so much for listening. Until next time, bye bye