Anything that can be used to enhance life—think video games, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.—can also be used to escape life. In today’s Emotional Push-Up, Dr. Emily is joined by Alaine Newland to talk about how to recognize the line between celebrating and coping and why it’s best not to conflate the two.  

Thank you for listening! Staying emotionally fit takes work and repetition. That's why the Emotionally Fit podcast with psychologist Dr. Emily Anhalt delivers short, actionable Emotional Push-Ups every Tuesday and Thursday to help you build a better practice of mental health. Join us to kickstart your emotional fitness. Let's flex those feels and do some reps together!

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The Emotionally Fit podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health. Katie Sunku Wood is the show’s producer from StudioPod Media with additional editing and sound design by Nodalab, and featuring music by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!

Dr. Emily:

Ready to break an emotional sweat? Welcome to Emotionally Fit with me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. As a therapist, I know that staying mentally healthy takes work and repetition. That's why I'll share Emotional Push-Ups, short, actionable exercises to help you strengthen your mental fitness. From improving your friendships to managing stress, let's flex those feels and do some reps together!

Hey there, fit fans! I am so excited to be here today with Alaine Newland, who leads experienced design efforts at GitHub's Global Events. Alaine, thank you so much for joining me today to do this pushup.

Alaine:

Thank you for having me. I'm so excited.

Dr. Emily:

I'm so glad you're here. And you know, Alaine, of course you and I go way back and we have a lot of similarities. And if I may, I think one of the things that we have in common is that we're not always great at doing the things we enjoy in moderation. Would you agree with that?

Alaine:

I would 100% agree with that.

Dr. Emily:

Of course. And I love the saying everything in moderation, including moderation. Sometimes it is great to go all out on things. But today I want to talk about the idea that anything that can be used to enhance life can also be used to escape it, and that we should be mindful about that tipping point.

One way that I think about it is that we shouldn't cope the same way we celebrate. So if you celebrate your accomplishments by, for example, buying yourself something special or eating an indulgent dessert, then shopping and binging sugar probably aren't the best way to cope with tough feelings, because this conflates reward with escape. And I think in general, this can apply to things like alcohol, drugs, sex, food, shopping, video games. I'm sure there are many others that we could add to that list. What I don't think this applies to is things like reaching out to loved ones, spending time in nature, that kind of thing, because I think those things can be useful both to celebrate and also to soothe ourselves during tough times.

So in today's pushup, we're going to think about how this might show up in our lives and identify what that tipping point is from life enhancing to life escaping. So step one of this pushup, Alaine, is to think of something that you enjoy doing to enhance your life, especially something you do more of when you're celebrating an accomplishment.

I know I'm a bit of a dopamine addict, so a lot of things come to mind that I could be more balanced about. But the example I'll use for the sake of this pushup is social media. I definitely use that as both an enhancement and also an escape in my life. So for those listening in, feel free to press pause while you think of your example, or keep listening to hear what Alaine shares.

So Alaine, what example comes to mind for you for this?

Alaine:

The very first thing that comes to mind is actually travel.

Dr. Emily:

Oh, travel. That's a unique one.

Alaine:

Yes. Growing up, travel was always a reward for good behavior or for pushing myself and pushing my limits and trying really hard. In high school, when I got really great grades and I got into the college I was hoping to get into, my parents gifted me with a Eurail Pass so I could spend the summer traveling before starting school. And whenever I was really excited about a milestone I had met for work, I would book a little trip. So travel was always something that I did to celebrate and to reward myself for working really hard.

Dr. Emily:

I love that as an example, because I think what came to mind for me first when I thought of what people would likely say was food. Like, I use food to celebrate, but also when I'm not feeling good, I make myself better with food. That kind of thing. Travel hadn't even occurred to me, so I really like it as an example for people out there, that you can think about what's true in your life. It does not have to be one of the things I listed. So I'm excited to dig into this with you.

So step two then of this pushup, Alaine, is to reflect on how and when you use this thing in your life as a celebration and enhancement. So I use social media as an enhancement to connect with people I care about, to learn from experts, to share ideas, to find new recipes, and to support people I love. And I definitely use it to celebrate myself when I accomplish something professionally. For example, I'll put it on social media. So Alaine, for you, in what ways and situations do you use travel as a way of making your life better or to celebrate?

Alaine:

Oh, there's so many ways. Travel just, it fills my cup, so it's something that I can really look forward to. When something feels hard, I put a trip on the horizon that I can work towards as a milestone to give myself the energy boost that I need to get over that milestone.

Travel's also a way that my partner and I celebrate together. When we first started dating, we had trips every month. And they could be as small as just the town over to find a new restaurant and as big as a country we had never been to, but certainly it was something that we did together to deepen our relationship and have something to look forward to together.

Dr. Emily:

I love that. So for those at home, think about how your example is something you use to celebrate, and then for the next step of this pushup, we're going to reflect on how and when we use this thing as an escape or as a way of coping with tough feelings.

So I know I definitely use social media as an escape and a way to cope when I'm bored, when I'm lonely, and when I don't want to be present in any given moment. I'll scroll mindlessly to procrastinate, or even sitting at a red light, I'll bust out my phone, which I know I shouldn't do. It definitely leaves me feeling worse a lot of the time. When I'm bored or lonely and I spend four hours scrolling TikTok, I don't tend to feel glad about that. I don't tend to feel better. So that's what's true for me. Alaine, how about for you? In what ways and situations do you think you've used travel to escape or to cope?

Alaine:

I think this was especially true in my twenties and thirties. I moved I think 11 times between high school and settling back down in the Bay Area. Whenever something felt hard, like I didn't like my job, or I felt burned out on my friend group, I would pick a new city and move, or I'd take a huge trip and just try to kind of escape it.

Most notably, when I was living in Austin, I didn't like my job and I didn't like my relationship, and so I went go work on a cruise ship, where I could travel, for two and a half years. So I certainly used that as an escape mechanism in my twenties and thirties.

These days, I think I do it a little bit less, thanks to different kinds of stability in my life. But when I had my baby a couple of years ago, I certainly fantasized about dropping everything and going on a big trip. It was really all I could think about a lot of the times when things felt really hard.

Dr. Emily:

That totally makes sense. I imagine at some point you faced something many of us face, which is that anywhere you go, there you are, and that it's perhaps in fantasy more effective than in reality to be moving away from the things we don't want to face.

Alaine:

Absolutely. I think I learned after doing that enough times that, as cheesy as it sounds, I had to find happiness inside me. It wasn't the next place, it wasn't the next trip, it wasn't the next city, it wasn't even the next person. I had to find ways to deal with what I was feeling myself, and shout out to therapy for a lot of that work that had to take place.

Dr. Emily:

Hell yeah, therapy for the win. I love that. Okay, so then the final step of this pushup is for us to think of healthier things we could do to cope when we're having a tough time. So for me, when I'm bored or lonely, maybe instead of scrolling mindlessly, I reach out to a friend by text or voice instead. Or maybe I meditate, or journal, or take a walk in nature, or play with a dog.

So for those listening in, think a little bit about what you might sub in. Alaine, how about you? What could you do to support yourself when you're going through a tough moment instead of fantasizing about a trip that doesn't make sense to take at that time?

Alaine:

It definitely helps that now I have a partner who I can have conversations with and help me kind of talk through what I'm feeling and problem solve, and I don't need to go away to a new place to find that support. I have it at home, which is wonderful, and my whole village, my family and my friends and my work, all of that has felt supportive in those times when maybe I would've booked a trip and instead I just booked a coffee date with a friend.

Also, especially over the last few years with the global pandemic, traveling was not a viable mechanism for me. I had to find other ways to deal with things that felt uncomfortable, and that ran the gamut from spending time with my family to talking it through with a therapist, to finding ways to spend time in my own company that felt therapeutic, sometimes going for a walk or watching a movie I was excited about, or even just reading in the backyard, all things where I could take a little break and hit pause on the things that were stressing me out, but I didn't necessarily have to hop on a plane to find it.

Dr. Emily:

That's really interesting. Sometimes circumstances kind of force us to find healthier, ideally healthier, and not even worse, coping strategies. So it sounds like that's the way that you went, which is amazing to hear. So of course this is all easier said than done, but just by putting our attention on things, we tend to introduce new choices to ourselves, at least some of the time. We might even think about recruiting loved ones to gently remind us that we should use these healthier choices.

So I can imagine that at some point your partner might say, "Hey, I noticed you're planning a really elaborate trip, but actually, maybe we should focus on just seeing what's true about our life here." I'm curious, Alaine, for you, how did it feel to do this pushup today and to think about this shift that you've been making over time?

Alaine:

It's interesting. I never really thought of travel as a crutch because it was something that made me so happy. But I think when I consider the ways that I used travel in my younger years and the way I fantasized about travel during hard times over the past few years, certainly there are things about it that are not healthy. So I think this was an interesting exercise, to pick it apart a little bit and see when the right time to use it is versus not. That's not to say I don't want to book a trip soon, go somewhere fun, but-

Dr. Emily:

Great. And I'll put the whole thing on social media.

Alaine:

Let's do it. Let's do it.

Dr. Emily:

Amazing. Well, Alaine, thank you so much for joining me today to flex those feels and break an emotional sweat. It was such a pleasure.

Thanks for listening to Emotionally Fit hosted by me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. New Push-Ups drop every Tuesday and Thursday. Did you do today's Push-Up alongside me and my guest? Tweet your experience with the hashtag #EmotionallyFit and follow me at @DrEmilyAnhalt. Please rate, review, follow and share the show wherever you listen to podcasts. This podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health, where you can take live, therapist-led classes online. From group sessions to therapist matchmaking, Coa will help you build your emotional fitness routine. Head to joincoa.com, that's join-c-o-a.com, to learn more. And follow us on Twitter and Instagram at @joinCoa. From StudioPod Media in San Francisco, our producer is Katie Sunku Wood. Music is by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!