If you have tried to break or change a habit, only to find that you keep reverting to the same behavior shortly after, this blog is for you. And it all begins with looking at the unconscious benefits you may receive from those so-called bad habits.

USEFUL LINKS:

To Access the Show Notes go to: https://demartini.ink/43bf9nj

Watch the Video: https://youtu.be/QbKFe5QHzz4

Learn More About The Breakthrough Experience: demartini.fm/experience

Learn More About The Demartini Method: demartini.fm/demartinimethod

Determine Your Values: demartini.fm/knowyourvalues

Claim Your Free Gift: demartini.fm/astro

Join our Facebook community: demartini.ink/inspired

Mentioned in this episode:

The Breakthrough Experience

For More Information or to book for The Breakthrough Experience visit: demartini.fm/seminar

When somebody says to me,

I got to stop this habit,

2

I've got to break this habit,

the first question I ask them is,

3

what are the benefits you're

getting out of doing it?

4

Many times on my blog I get

people asking me questions about,

5

you know, I've got this habit

that I can't seem to break.

6

And no matter what I do,

7

I keep doing it and I'm trying to get

it to change and to get it to last and

8

I start and for a short period of time,

9

it seems to work and then I

go back to my habit again.

10

So I'd like to address about how to

break habits and get a lasting change,

11

but I'm going to hit it from an angle

that you may not have thought about.

12

So if you have something to write with

and write on, that would be great.

13

Every decision you make is

based on what you believe,

14

consciously or unconsciously,

15

is going to give you the greatest

advantage over disadvantage. Now,

16

when I first say that,

many people say, well,

17

I don't choose to do this action

and I'm trying to stop it,

18

and I confront them and say, no,

19

consciously or unconsciously,

20

you are perceiving that there's more

advantage than disadvantage in doing that

21

behavior, or you wouldn't be doing it.

22

No one's going to keep doing a behavior

unless they get some advantage out of

23

it. Now, I had, I think I may have

shared in another little video

24

about a woman who was eating and eating

and eating and eating and couldn't stop

25

eating,

26

and she was trying to break the habit

of eating 'cause she was gaining weight

27

and being obese.

28

But when I asked her what's the

benefit she was getting out of it,

29

she found out that everybody

in her family was large.

30

And if she wasn't large, she didn't

feel like she was part of the family.

31

So even though she was consciously

saying, I gotta stop, I got this habit,

32

I gotta get rid of it, and get

it to finally stop happening,

33

she unconsciously, and we made it

conscious by asking the question,

34

what was the benefit she

was getting out of it,

35

she had an unconscious benefit

to fit in with her family.

36

Then I asked her what's another benefit

she gained from doing this habit that

37

she thought she wanted to change? Well,

38

she found out that her big sister

was pushing her around and, you know,

39

bigger than her and so she made a

commitment that she would always be bigger

40

than her sister.

41

So she was eating to make sure she

was always bigger than her sister.

42

Then she found out,

43

when we asked her what was another

benefit why she was keeping this eating

44

pattern going, she found out that she,

45

when she tried to go on a weight

reduction program and fasted literally,

46

and went 45 pounds down

on this radical diet,

47

when she lost a bunch of weight,

a guy hit on her, you know,

48

showed affection to her. She was

new to the relationship dynamic,

49

did not have anybody in her life prior,

50

and all of a sudden felt that this

man loved her and she loved him,

51

and the first time out and ended up

making love and getting pregnant.

52

And then the guy disappeared the next

day. He was a one night stand and she,

53

all of a sudden, seven weeks

later, found out she had a baby,

54

and now she's sitting in

a Catholic upbringing,

55

now with a baby on the way,

56

deciding do I have an abortion

or do I not paradox. And anyway,

57

this was one of the most traumatic

experiences of her life. And she thought,

58

wow, when I lost weight,

59

I had this most traumatic

experience. So she was saying to me,

60

she's got to break this habit,

she's got to stop eating.

61

But on the unconscious level, the

unconscious motives were different.

62

The unconscious motives was,

63

I don't ever want to go and lose weight

again because that last time I did,

64

I ended up having the most traumatic

experience in my life. If I lose weight,

65

I won't be part of my family. If I

lose weight, I'll be pushed around.

66

So when somebody says

I need to stop a habit,

67

the first thing I do is ask them,

68

so you wouldn't be doing it if you

weren't getting some advantage out of it,

69

so let's find the unconscious motives.

70

Let's find an alternative way

of getting those motives met,

71

that are viable and that are, you know,

72

they will do the same outcome

without having to do that behavior,

73

the original behavior.

74

And let's stack up those new behaviors

and new viable alternatives to what their

75

values are, so they increase

the probably of doing it,

76

and then we'll decrease the links between

the original action and their highest

77

values and decrease the probability of

doing it. So these are associations,

78

neuroplastic associations made in the

brain to be able to change the habit.

79

And then once they have an alternative,

80

viable alternative way of getting the

same benefits that they're getting

81

currently, by doing the habit

they think they want to break,

82

and having a viable alternative,

and have it linked to the brain,

83

the brain now takes that pathway because

it's more viable than the one before.

84

We've stacked up new associations and

benefits of doing it and drawbacks of

85

doing the other one. There's

a conditioned reflex.

86

And if we stack up pains or

pleasures with something,

87

we can decline it or

increase it in our behavior.

88

And this is basic Skinner's conditioned

reflexes that have been around and

89

Pavlov's conditioned reflexes.

So when somebody says to me,

90

I gotta stop this habit,

I've gotta break this habit,

91

the first question I ask them is,

92

what are the benefits you're getting out

of doing it? And they'll usually say,

93

I'm not, that's why I want to stop it.

It's, look, it's causing these problems.

94

And I go, I know, I know, I hear that.

95

But your actions speak

louder than your words.

96

Your words say you want

to break the habit,

97

but your actions are showing me that

you're still getting more advantage than

98

disadvantage out of it or

you wouldn't be doing it.

99

No one's going to do some action that's

not going to give them advantage.

100

Even the individual who's

doing drugs and taking opium,

101

they wouldn't be doing it if there

wasn't in their mind an assumption that

102

there's more advantage than

disadvantage out of doing it.

103

And finding out what the advantages are,

104

bringing the unconscious

motives conscious,

105

is one of the first steps in making a

person aware that they're actually in

106

control of this.

107

They have the capacity to change it by

the associations they make in the brain.

108

Every time you make new associations in

the brain and stack up new pleasures or

109

pains or advantages or disadvantages to

a behavior, you can modify the behavior.

110

And this has been changed.

That's why if you, you know,

111

you ring a bell while

you're giving some sort of food and

112

you're salivating, the ring of

the bell can make you salivate.

113

An old Pavlovian response.

114

I've been doing changing behaviors with

people for gosh years, decades now.

115

And it's not really that difficult

once you find out what the unconscious

116

motives are, because

as long as they don't,

117

they'll tell you what they don't want

to do. I had people that'd say, well,

118

I need to work out, I

need to change a behavior,

119

I'm just sitting around and I'm not

working out. But inside their head,

120

there's other things in their life that

are giving them way more advantage that

121

they keep doing than

working out in their mind.

122

So even though they intellectually

say, I want to go work out,

123

and they've injected a value of somebody

that they've looked up to and admired

124

and go, oh, I want to do that,

125

that doesn't mean anything in the

brain as long as the brain still has

126

associations that have more drawbacks

than benefits to the behavior you say you

127

want to do,

128

and more advantages than disadvantages

out of the thing you say you don't want

129

to do. So the first question I ask is,

130

what's the benefit you're getting out

of it and what's the motive you get?

131

And people don't want to hear that. They

want to, they want to get rid of it.

132

and I,

133

first thing is I make them aware that

they are consciously or unconsciously

134

taking actions that are actually

getting them something they want.

135

And unless they find an alternative

way of getting those same actions,

136

they're likely to continue. And

if they want a lasting change,

137

the advantages of the new behavior

has to be stronger than the behavior,

138

the advantages of the behavior that

you're saying you want to change.

139

Because as long as it's got more

advantage than disadvantage,

140

you're not going to change

it. Now we also have noticed,

141

I've noticed people that go and overeat

and overdrink maybe on a weekend,

142

and they've noticed that on

Friday night and Saturday night,

143

they kind of blow it,

they're out of control. Well,

144

that's because they don't have

anything going on on the weekend.

145

But on Sunday night they don't blow it

because they've got Monday to go to work.

146

If you fill your day with very

high priority, very meaningful,

147

very inspiring things, you'd be surprised

how disciplined and organized you are.

148

You know, when a woman's about to get

married and the wedding is in two weeks,

149

and she wants to get into that nice

wedding dress, she will, you know,

150

starve herself almost to get

the weight down, work out,

151

do whatever it is to make sure her body

looks the best, she'll get in shape,

152

but the night of the wedding, whoa,

153

once she's not got that objective of

getting into that dress, that night,

154

she'll overeat, she'll

overdrink, she'll party,

155

she'll do whatever because she

doesn't have that next inspiring,

156

meaningful thing to get up

and go and be disciplined for.

157

If you're not filling your day with

high priority things that are very

158

meaningful, your life will fill up with

low priority distractions that don't.

159

If you're not filling your day with

high priority things that inspire you,

160

that challenge you, that are,

you know, you want to tackle,

161

something meaningful,

162

then you're going to go into your amygdala

and your amygdala's going to want to

163

avoid a pain and seek a pleasure.

164

And it's going to keep going to things

that are consciously or unconsciously

165

pleasureful. And so I don't

go by what people say,

166

I go by what their actions are. Their

actions speak louder than their words.

167

And when they say, I need to stop

this behavior, I go, well, great,

168

as long as you have more

advantage than disadvantage,

169

consciously or unconsciously, in

doing it, you're not going to .

170

So we're going to have to find out

what those unconscious motives are,

171

find out the benefits of those,

172

then find alternative ways

of getting those benefits,

173

stack up the advantages of doing that

alternative until the advantages of that

174

outweigh the advantages

of the current behavior.

175

And then stack up the drawbacks of the

current behavior that you're wanting to

176

change.

177

And stack up the drawbacks until that

gets pain associated with it and the other

178

gets pleasure associated with it.

179

And then your brain will

move in the new direction.

180

It'll stack up new associations and go

in the new direction and epigenetically

181

alter the nerves and alter the pathways,

the synaptic pathways in the brain.

182

So if you go through and stack up enough

advantages of the viable alternative,

183

one that you believe will give

you an advantage, a new advantage,

184

one that you would like to have, the new

habit, if you will, great, stack it up.

185

If you got a big enough

reason for doing it, you will.

186

When the why is big enough, the

how's take care of themselves.

187

But if you don't have a big enough

reason for doing it, you probably won't.

188

So first, identify what the

unconscious motives are.

189

Find out what the advantages are and the

unconscious, and there's not just one.

190

You know, the lady had 75,

191

we found 75 unconscious motives

for her to keep weight on.

192

It was amazing what she discovered.

193

She also noticed it kept her skin

smoother and people acknowledged her skin.

194

It made her, she believed,

was no proof of it,

195

that her hair was thicker and shinier

when she ate and kept her weight on.

196

I mean, these are things

she had in her brain.

197

So as long as she had those advantages

there outweighing the drawbacks,

198

she was going to continue to eat.

199

But we gave her viable alternatives

and shifted her eating patterns.

200

But just know that when you say you want

to stop something and break a habit and

201

you want to do something that's

lasting, whatever that alternative is,

202

it has to have more

advantages than disadvantages.

203

And the the old broken habit that

you want to break has to have more

204

disadvantages than advantages, or

you'll keep going back to the pathway.

205

So you find out what the

conscious benefits are,

206

you find out viable alternatives,

207

you find and link those benefits to the

viable alternatives and the drawbacks

208

to the original behaviors,

209

and your brain starts moving

in the direction of this.

210

I've been doing this for decades.

And it works if you work it.

211

But most people want to fight it. They

want to, they want to well, I want to,

212

there's no benefits to this thing, it's

a bad behavior, I need to get rid of it.

213

I know, that's the moral ideas that you

picked up from some outer authority.

214

I see this in people that are

thinking I need to do exercise more,

215

I need to eat differently or whatever.

216

They're comparing themselves to

somebody else that they admire.

217

They have a different set of values,

maybe health conscious values,

218

and then they're expecting themselves to

live in somebody else's values instead

219

of their own.

220

They're not aware of what their own

values and their own associations in their

221

brain are. And then they go around and

going, I need to stop this behavior,

222

and they're beating themselves up because

they think they're doing something

223

that's wrong, or unwise.

224

Instead of uncovering what the unconscious

motives are and shifting it and

225

realizing that they have the power the

whole time. They don't have a weakness.

226

It's not some flaw in their system.

227

They are just having associations in the

brain creating the behaviors that they

228

have. And you have the power to

transform those associations.

229

And that's one of the things that I

teach in the Breakthrough Experience

230

Program. My signature program, which

I've been doing for 35 years almost.

231

That program,

232

is showing people how to identify

what those unconscious motives are,

233

how to balance out the perceptions,

how to stack up new associations,

234

how to take command of your associations

in the brain so you can increase the

235

probability of doing the actions that

you are prioritizing in your life.

236

Or to honor it. Either go and

do what you really, that you,

237

the stacked up new associations so you

can do the new behaviors or honor the

238

ones you have.

239

And sometimes in the

Breakthrough Experience I have

people that think they want

240

to break it until we find

out the unconscious benefits

of it, then they realize,

241

no, I really don't want to break it.

242

I thought I did because I was comparing

myself to other people and having a

243

contrast between me and them and then

judging myself for it instead of honoring

244

that, Hey, I found a strategy

that's actually working.

245

Some strategies don't need to be fixed.

246

They need to be appreciated and they're

useful and they're helping you get a lot

247

done. I had a woman one time that

said, I've gained all this weight.

248

I don't know what I'm doing here.

249

We found out the motives for it

and found out that she almost,

250

when she was very thin, she was going

to the gym and she was getting all,

251

you know,

252

looking hot and the guys were hitting on

her and she was flirting with them and

253

she almost had an affair. And the

moment she almost had an affair,

254

she started to go, Hmm, that's

dangerous to go to that gym.

255

So she stopped going to the

gym, stopped working out,

256

putting on a little bit of weight,

257

made herself a little frumpy to

not undermine her relationship.

258

So even though she said,

259

I need to lose weight now and I need

to do this and I need to change my

260

behavior,

261

she had an unconscious motive to keep the

weight on to make sure she didn't have

262

a flirtation and distraction

and undermine her family.

263

So don't underestimate unconscious motives

and make them conscious by asking how

264

specifically is what I'm doing,

what's the benefit to me?

265

And bring those from the

unconscious to the conscious.

266

Then come up with viable alternatives.

267

Then make the links on the benefits of

the viable alternatives and the drawbacks

268

to the original behavior

and you can change it.

269

I show people how to do that

in the Breakthrough Experience.

270

That's why I want people

to come to Breakthrough.

271

There's so many advantages of learning

the method, the Demartini Method,

272

how to use values,

273

how to stack new associations in the

brains so you can make sure that you can

274

transform perception,

decisions and actions in life,

275

and take command of your life.

276

So I wanted to show you how to

break habits and, if you want to,

277

and make a lasting change,

278

and you will do something as long as

there's more advantage than disadvantage,

279

you'll keep doing it.

280

Very traits that you think you're

wanting to break have been a habit,

281

because there've been more associations

of advantage over disadvantage without

282

you even knowing it.

283

So I look forward to seeing you

at the Breakthrough Experience.

284

Thank you for joining me today. I

look forward to seeing you next week.

285

And just know that you

have the power within,

286

you have way more power inside you than

you may have given yourself credit.

287

So don't compare yourself to other people.

288

Compare your daily actions to your

own highest values and come to the

289

Breakthrough Experience so I can

show you how to master your life.

290

Look forward to seeing you next week.