The holidays are supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year,” yet for so many women, they’re the season when old wounds, family dynamics, and unresolved patterns come roaring to the surface. In this episode, Kate breaks down exactly why you get triggered, what those triggers are really pointing to, and how to navigate the holidays from your heroine instead of collapsing back into the girl you used to be.

You’ll learn:

• Why the holidays tend to amplify your deepest relational patterns
• How to stay connected to yourself when everyone else is losing their minds
• The difference between reacting, suppressing, and responding with awareness
• What to do when you feel triggered and how to use it as an opportunity to grow
• And how to actually enjoy the holiday season without abandoning yourself

This episode is your reminder that triggers aren’t a problem — they’re portals.

And when you meet them in a new way, the holidays become an opportunity for growth, healing, and deeper self-connection.

Tune in to learn how to stay in your power, protect your peace, and navigate the season with grace, sovereignty and your heroine's energy leading the way.

Reclamation Program  https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/the-reclamation

About the Host:

Kate Harlow is the founder of The Unscriptd Woman, the creator of The Expanded Love Coaching Method, and host of The New Truth podcast - ranked in the top 1.5% globally. With over 15 years of experience teaching, coaching and facilitating transformational retreats worldwide, Kate has helped hundreds of thousands of women break free from outdated relational patterns, old patriarchal ways of thinking and unspoken rules to live by. 

Her infallible methods guide women to release the deeply ingrained scripts that keep them stuck- empowering women to step into their highest, most magnetic, and fully expressed selves. Through her coaching, retreats, podcast and upcoming book The Unscriptd Woman, Kate is redefining what it means to be an empowered woman in today's world, showing women how to stop waiting for permission and start creating a life and love that aligns with their deepest truth. 

Known for her rare ability to see exactly where women are out of alignment with themselves, Kate offers a path back to unwavering self- trust, meaningful joy and true fulfillment. Her work is a revolution - one that liberates women from societal expectations and invites them into a life of radical authenticity, thriving relationships and unshakable self-worth.  

Website:  https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/

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Kate Harlow: 00:00:00

If you are awake enough to own your side of the

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street, to feel your feelings, to see how your pattern

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contributes to this dynamic that is everything. Owning your side

Kate Harlow: 00:00:12

of the street is the most important thing you can do in

Kate Harlow: 00:00:16

your life, in all of your relationships. I was talking to

Kate Harlow: 00:00:19

my bestie last night, and I was saying how it's so wild to be at

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a place in my life where I don't blame people anymore, like I

Kate Harlow: 00:00:25

might blame someone for a second, but I don't stay in

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blame. I have zero stories where I'm like, That person hurt me,

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and they're banned forever, like I move through and own my side

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of the street or or do the deeper healing that my heart and

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soul need that I don't stay in blame. Because when you actually

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look in the mirror and you go through the process of owning

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your story and taking responsibility for your part,

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you can't stay in blame, which is the most liberating

Unknown: 00:00:55

thing. Hello. My

Kate Harlow: 00:00:57

loves. Happy Holidays. Kate Harlow here for

Kate Harlow: 00:01:01

another episode of the new truth season three, navigating

Kate Harlow: 00:01:06

triggers during the holidays. This is such an important topic.

Kate Harlow: 00:01:09

And my intention this month? How is it already December? I don't

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know, but my intention this month is to do an episode every

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week in devotion to whatever kinds of things arise during the

Kate Harlow: 00:01:21

holidays that I hear over and over again from women. So this

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is the first one I'm going to tackle, for lack of a better

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word address invite you into because obviously it's a hot

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time of year, right? I don't mean literally, although I'm in

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Kenya, so yes, it is hot. I'm wearing a tank top right now,

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but it can be a very and of course, in Australia and all

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those you know, the southern hemisphere, it is a hot time of

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year. But I mean, emotionally for people, there is so much

Kate Harlow: 00:01:52

going on during the holiday season. There's so many layers

Kate Harlow: 00:01:55

to why the holidays are so can be so triggering for so many so

Kate Harlow: 00:02:00

today we're specifically going to focus on people triggers, as

Kate Harlow: 00:02:04

this episode is coming out at the beginning of December. So

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you probably have a lot of events going on. You have a lot

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of, you know, Christmas parties, family events. Those of you

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Americans in the house are, you know, just coming off

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Thanksgiving, so perhaps you're still in a trigger from last

Kate Harlow: 00:02:23

weekend, but, yeah, that's what I want to address today. Because

Kate Harlow: 00:02:28

my intention is that you use this time of year that can be so

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deeply triggering and that can be so confronting and feel

Kate Harlow: 00:02:37

heavy. You know, it's really fascinating, because when you

Kate Harlow: 00:02:40

think about the experience of Christmas for children, you

Kate Harlow: 00:02:44

know, if they have a good family and and if they have sweet

Kate Harlow: 00:02:47

traditions, like little kids love Christmas, the energy and

Kate Harlow: 00:02:50

essence in its purest form. If we take out all the religious

Kate Harlow: 00:02:54

stuff and we just look at the purest form of this holiday

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season, it's magic, right? It's magic, it's it's beauty, it's

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wonder, it's awe, it's joy, it's connection, it's love. It's

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coming together. It's gathering. It's intimacy. It's celebrating.

Kate Harlow: 00:03:13

It's singing. It's giving, generosity, like this season

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represents so much beauty, and yet so many people walk through

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the holidays feeling totally lonely, depressed, stressed out,

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overwhelmed, anxious, drunk, full, stuffed, and you know,

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feeling these dense, heavy, more painful feelings. And so my hope

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for you this holiday season is that you turn it around and you

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start to discover the magic again by taking full

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responsibility for yourself and everything about your life,

Kate Harlow: 00:03:58

especially starting with your triggers, or, as I like to call

Kate Harlow: 00:04:02

them, activations, because, you know, we're either a victim to

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life happening, or we're in charge of our lives. I've worked

Kate Harlow: 00:04:11

with so many women over the years who traditionally, prior

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to the heroin journey with me, they felt like the holiday

Kate Harlow: 00:04:20

seasons were really heavy, and they get closer and closer to

Kate Harlow: 00:04:23

the holidays, and they'd start to feel fear, you know, they

Kate Harlow: 00:04:26

come November, the weather would change, if they're in the

Kate Harlow: 00:04:29

northern hemisphere, and they'd start to feel like that darkness

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and that depression. Some of them even would go on

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antidepressants just during that season, like November till

Kate Harlow: 00:04:38

March, just to handle that time of year because it was so heavy,

Kate Harlow: 00:04:43

right this like anticipatory fear of the density and

Kate Harlow: 00:04:46

heaviness to come. But if we actually look at the time of

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year, we're going into hibernation. We're going into

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Yin time. We're going into our internal coziness and our.

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Spaciousness, to rest, to rejuvenate, to replenish

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ourselves, so that come spring, we can be ready to create again,

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to manifest, to to express, to to, you know, adventure and so

Kate Harlow: 00:05:14

naturally, this time of year is actually a really beautiful time

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of year, but because so many of us have traumas from the past?

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Have traumas from dysfunctional families, dysfunctional family

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gatherings. Have traumas from now in their adult life, going

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back to their families and feeling like maybe you go

Kate Harlow: 00:05:32

backwards when you go home. Certainly this is another

Kate Harlow: 00:05:35

conversation with women I work with, is that our families are

Kate Harlow: 00:05:39

our greatest opportunities for growth. I like to look at it,

Kate Harlow: 00:05:42

but also like that some of where our deepest wounds exist, so

Kate Harlow: 00:05:47

actually working through our triggers, and, you know, healing

Kate Harlow: 00:05:52

with our family system, family of origin, where we grew up,

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where all our patterns were originally developed, usually

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that's the place that we grow the slowest, right that that is

Kate Harlow: 00:06:01

the most challenging. But in my experience, those places that

Kate Harlow: 00:06:04

are the most challenging end up being the most rewarding if

Kate Harlow: 00:06:08

you're willing to do it differently, right? So if you're

Kate Harlow: 00:06:11

just going to be a victim to this time of year, or a victim

Kate Harlow: 00:06:14

to your family, and just live in the story of like, Oh, I hate

Kate Harlow: 00:06:18

this season. It sucks. But I'm going to go to Christmas dinner,

Kate Harlow: 00:06:21

and I'm going to hate everyone, and I'm going to and I'm going

Kate Harlow: 00:06:23

to drink my face off, or eat, eat all the cookies in the in

Kate Harlow: 00:06:27

the box to try and suppress how I'm feeling, and then feel

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horrible the next day. And, you know, drag all this energy into

Kate Harlow: 00:06:35

to the new year. That's an option, right? It's an option to

Kate Harlow: 00:06:38

be a victim of our circumstance, for sure. And you know

Kate Harlow: 00:06:42

you actually can't, like you are a victim of your circumstance,

Kate Harlow: 00:06:46

until you're awake and until you know that there's other

Kate Harlow: 00:06:49

possibilities, that you actually are the creator of your own

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reality, or the CO creator, right, life, the universe, the

Kate Harlow: 00:06:56

divine, the natural intelligence of this planet is orchestrating

Kate Harlow: 00:07:01

a beautiful experience for you here on planet Earth that

Kate Harlow: 00:07:05

doesn't come without challenge, doesn't come without pain, but

Kate Harlow: 00:07:08

there's so much opportunity for you to grow into this

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extraordinary woman, and for you to become you know, this

Kate Harlow: 00:07:15

unscripted, wild, free, beautiful woman who has a life

Kate Harlow: 00:07:20

that She loves that's possible for you, but it's not possible

Kate Harlow: 00:07:23

if you're sitting in the seat of the victim. So going into this

Kate Harlow: 00:07:27

holiday season, if you are experiencing triggers with

Kate Harlow: 00:07:30

people in your life, I want to say, awesome. Let's unpack it.

Kate Harlow: 00:07:35

Let's talk about how you can fully learn and grow from these

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activations. And actually, let's talk about that for a sec, and

Kate Harlow: 00:07:45

then let's create a whole new reality. Let's use this season

Kate Harlow: 00:07:49

as a time to grow, as opposed to a time to shrink, or a time to

Kate Harlow: 00:07:54

stay stuck, or a time to reinforce your old stories. So I

Kate Harlow: 00:07:59

use the word activation, and a lot of teachers are using this

Kate Harlow: 00:08:02

word now, activation over trigger. The reason I like the

Kate Harlow: 00:08:04

word, I mean, you can even probably just feel the

Kate Harlow: 00:08:06

difference before I even explain why. But the word trigger, first

Kate Harlow: 00:08:10

of all, it comes from a gun. I feel like maybe a man came up

Kate Harlow: 00:08:13

with that word. It comes from a gun. It feels violent to me,

Kate Harlow: 00:08:16

like I'm triggered. You triggered me. People say that

Kate Harlow: 00:08:19

all the time, which is a victim statement, you did something to

Kate Harlow: 00:08:22

me. You triggered me versus I feel activated right now. I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:08:27

feeling really activated right now. Now. You could be activated

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like in a pleasurable way. You could be turned on, you could be

Kate Harlow: 00:08:34

lit up. You could be excited. You could be inspired. You also

Kate Harlow: 00:08:38

could be activated in a painful way. Feel small, feel like you

Kate Harlow: 00:08:42

don't matter, feel like you don't belong, you don't fit in,

Kate Harlow: 00:08:44

you're not worthy, you're not lovable, right? Our activations

Kate Harlow: 00:08:47

range, and really, what our activations are are just these

Kate Harlow: 00:08:51

old faulty beliefs that live inside of us, the little girl

Kate Harlow: 00:08:56

who was hurt and shut down and told who to be and told you know

Kate Harlow: 00:09:00

what to think and what's good and what's good and bad and

Kate Harlow: 00:09:02

what's right and wrong. Who had to repress the magic of who she

Kate Harlow: 00:09:05

was feels activated often right until we start to heal our

Kate Harlow: 00:09:13

relationship with that little version of you, she'll feel

Kate Harlow: 00:09:16

activated. And my invitation to you is to start to look at your

Kate Harlow: 00:09:21

painful activations as a gateway. They are a gateway. I

Kate Harlow: 00:09:25

just a couple of weeks ago, I did the starting over weekend

Kate Harlow: 00:09:29

workshop, which was amazing with about 30 women from all over the

Kate Harlow: 00:09:33

world. And it was all about rewriting the story of a big

Kate Harlow: 00:09:38

transition they're going through. It was mostly women

Kate Harlow: 00:09:40

going through divorce, breakup, maybe a big move, a big career

Kate Harlow: 00:09:44

change, but ultimately, it was about taking responsibility for

Kate Harlow: 00:09:48

the rewrite of the story and looking at the painful ending or

Kate Harlow: 00:09:53

rupture that they experienced as a catalyst for a new beginning,

Kate Harlow: 00:09:57

as a catalyst for growth, as an opportunity to become. Them who

Kate Harlow: 00:10:01

they've been repressing inside of that relationship or that job

Kate Harlow: 00:10:04

or whatever that thing might be. So every time you experience an

Kate Harlow: 00:10:08

activation, and this is how I feel in my life, it's like,

Kate Harlow: 00:10:11

okay, it doesn't feel good to be painfully activated, of course,

Kate Harlow: 00:10:15

like, of course, it doesn't feel good. Even for me, I had a big

Kate Harlow: 00:10:18

activation this week, and in the midst of the activation, it

Kate Harlow: 00:10:21

feels bad, it feels hurtful. It is tender to that part of us

Kate Harlow: 00:10:28

that that that makes it mean something right? That's the only

Kate Harlow: 00:10:31

reason we are hurt by activations is other people do

Kate Harlow: 00:10:36

say, behave in a certain way, and it touches on a a faulty

Kate Harlow: 00:10:41

belief inside of us and a wounded little part of us, and

Kate Harlow: 00:10:45

it actually reinforces that wound. If we believe the

Kate Harlow: 00:10:48

meaning, and we the saboteur, is going to make meaning of that

Kate Harlow: 00:10:51

activation, and that's actually the thing that hurts. I'll give

Kate Harlow: 00:10:55

you an example, like you go through a breakup, and your

Kate Harlow: 00:10:59

activation is like, I must not be enough. Like what I it's

Kate Harlow: 00:11:04

like, no matter what I do, it's not enough. And you know, why

Kate Harlow: 00:11:07

wasn't I enough for him? Why wasn't enough for that person?

Kate Harlow: 00:11:12

Why? You know, what could I have done differently? We internalize

Kate Harlow: 00:11:16

it, make it mean something about us. But if you zoom out from a

Kate Harlow: 00:11:19

spiritual perspective, or from a like divine orchestration

Kate Harlow: 00:11:23

perspective, that situation is moving away from you for a

Kate Harlow: 00:11:28

reason. There's something more in yourself that's being

Kate Harlow: 00:11:31

awakened or activated, right? If you're on a journey of becoming

Kate Harlow: 00:11:36

the unscripted woman, aka awakening your heroine,

Kate Harlow: 00:11:40

awakening the soul of who you are and why you're here. These

Kate Harlow: 00:11:45

activations happen to unlock parts of us that have been shut

Kate Harlow: 00:11:49

down, if you're willing to see that right, but most people just

Kate Harlow: 00:11:53

stay in the story. Most people just stay in the blame. Stay in

Kate Harlow: 00:11:56

the story. Stay in the the the right and wrong, good and bad,

Kate Harlow: 00:12:00

and then we and then we stay so small, and this, this beautiful

Kate Harlow: 00:12:04

moment that could have been a catalyst for you, that could

Kate Harlow: 00:12:08

have been even like a little trigger, can be a catalyst for

Kate Harlow: 00:12:10

you, that could have been an awakening for you, that could

Kate Harlow: 00:12:13

have allowed you to step into another part of yourself,

Kate Harlow: 00:12:16

becomes something that represses you further right. So when your

Kate Harlow: 00:12:20

saboteur is in charge, that's what happens. Little little you

Kate Harlow: 00:12:24

gets repressed even further, instead of liberated, right? So

Kate Harlow: 00:12:28

your activations are either making you really small or

Kate Harlow: 00:12:31

they're liberating you to reclaim those parts of you that

Kate Harlow: 00:12:35

are shut down. So number one step in navigating your triggers

Kate Harlow: 00:12:41

is to remember, and I know you've heard this before from

Kate Harlow: 00:12:44

me, from probably many other spiritual teachers, your

Kate Harlow: 00:12:47

activations or triggers, if you want to call them, that are a

Kate Harlow: 00:12:52

mirror, they are a mirror. And if you are not sitting in front

Kate Harlow: 00:12:56

of the mirror with what is this reflecting about me right now,

Kate Harlow: 00:13:03

if you are just staying in blame of your annoying aunt from

Kate Harlow: 00:13:07

Christmas dinner, or your controlling mother in law or

Kate Harlow: 00:13:12

your husband that you want to punch in the face, or whoever,

Kate Harlow: 00:13:15

if you are just staying in the story of blame, if you're just

Kate Harlow: 00:13:19

staying in the story that is a bad person. Okay? As soon as I

Kate Harlow: 00:13:23

make someone else bad, what does that do? This is the ego. Right?

Kate Harlow: 00:13:26

We were taught to do this religion, especially if you grew

Kate Harlow: 00:13:29

up in a religious home, you have been deeply programmed to make

Kate Harlow: 00:13:33

people wrong and bad, and in that moment, you're righteous,

Kate Harlow: 00:13:36

you're better, you're better than right. If we make other

Kate Harlow: 00:13:40

people wrong and bad. We're better, but the reality is,

Kate Harlow: 00:13:45

we're not better. Nobody's better. We are all divine, and

Kate Harlow: 00:13:48

we are all fucked up humans with wounded parts of us. We're all

Kate Harlow: 00:13:52

the same. Actually, we're incredibly unique, if we've if

Kate Harlow: 00:13:56

you heard last week's episode, Chris is amazing episode last

Kate Harlow: 00:14:00

week about sexual empowerment and healing. The soul is your

Kate Harlow: 00:14:05

uniqueness. The spirit is our sameness, where we are all one,

Kate Harlow: 00:14:10

we are all one, we are all connected, all humans on planet

Kate Harlow: 00:14:12

earth, all beings on planet Earth. The soul is the unique

Kate Harlow: 00:14:16

essence of who you are, and then your human self is where your

Kate Harlow: 00:14:20

nervous system lives, your feelings, your ability to

Kate Harlow: 00:14:23

experience life, but also all those old traumas and stories

Kate Harlow: 00:14:26

that live inside of your human and I'll say your saboteur, or

Kate Harlow: 00:14:30

other people say the ego mind, right? So we hold on to this

Kate Harlow: 00:14:35

other people are wrong and bad, and what that does is in the

Kate Harlow: 00:14:38

moment, right? It's like when you go gossip to your friends.

Kate Harlow: 00:14:41

Someone wronged you, your boss yelled at you, someone treated

Kate Harlow: 00:14:44

you poorly, a guy ghosted you, you know your your brother

Kate Harlow: 00:14:49

yelled at you. Whatever the thing might be, you go to your

Kate Harlow: 00:14:53

friends, and in that moment, they validate you. They're like,

Kate Harlow: 00:14:56

yeah, that person's bad, yeah, yeah, yeah. Donald Trump is bad.

Kate Harlow: 00:15:00

Bad your ex boyfriend is a bad man. Your your or your ex

Kate Harlow: 00:15:04

husband, or your your mother in law, or whoever, whoever the

Kate Harlow: 00:15:07

person you're blaming might be right.

Unknown: 00:15:10

And in that moment, little you feels

Kate Harlow: 00:15:13

so validated, she's like, Yay, I'm right. And

Kate Harlow: 00:15:16

because she and your saboteur were programmed to believe that

Kate Harlow: 00:15:21

you're either right or wrong, you're either good or bad, and

Kate Harlow: 00:15:23

we need to be working really, really hard to be better and

Kate Harlow: 00:15:26

better and good and good and good. But it's not for ourselves

Kate Harlow: 00:15:29

and our alignment with our own truth and our soul expression

Kate Harlow: 00:15:32

and our highest expression in the world. No, it's for a system

Kate Harlow: 00:15:36

that keeps us separating ourselves from each other, which

Kate Harlow: 00:15:40

actually separates us from our divinity, right? So if we look

Kate Harlow: 00:15:43

back to those three aspects of self, the bot, the human self,

Kate Harlow: 00:15:47

the soul self and the spiritual self. The Spiritual Self is the

Kate Harlow: 00:15:51

Divinity, and we are all divine, but if we are against each

Kate Harlow: 00:15:55

other, I'm right, you're wrong, I'm good, you're bad, now we are

Kate Harlow: 00:15:59

separating ourselves from our own divinity, which means, in

Kate Harlow: 00:16:02

that moment, you are in your ego, for sure, the saboteur

Kate Harlow: 00:16:06

absolutely thrives off righteousness. Your saboteur

Kate Harlow: 00:16:09

wants to be right. So it's going to go talk to 10 people to

Kate Harlow: 00:16:13

convince everybody that you're right about this person who's

Kate Harlow: 00:16:17

triggered you and they're wrong. And what will you the people who

Kate Harlow: 00:16:20

love you do, they'll agree with you. Why? Because they love you

Kate Harlow: 00:16:24

and they want you to feel good in that moment. They know you're

Kate Harlow: 00:16:27

in pain, they know you're hurting, and so they want you to

Kate Harlow: 00:16:30

feel relief. But they're actually not empowering you.

Kate Harlow: 00:16:32

They're enabling you, right? These are saboteur contracts.

Kate Harlow: 00:16:36

These are saboteur style relationships, which many, many,

Kate Harlow: 00:16:39

many, many people have. So we keep each other small, we keep

Kate Harlow: 00:16:42

each other in the victim mentality. We keep each other in

Kate Harlow: 00:16:45

blame and attack and righteousness. So in the moment

Kate Harlow: 00:16:49

that I feel like I'm better than you, right, if I'm blaming you

Kate Harlow: 00:16:52

for something you've done or said, you're the bad one, you're

Kate Harlow: 00:16:56

the wrong one, in that moment, I feel like I'm right. I feel like

Kate Harlow: 00:16:59

I'm a good girl. I'm doing it right, because if you're doing

Kate Harlow: 00:17:02

it wrong, that means I'm doing it right, so I'm better than you

Kate Harlow: 00:17:05

right. But again, that separates you from the divinity of who you

Kate Harlow: 00:17:09

are. So what ends up happening is we leave that engagement, we

Kate Harlow: 00:17:12

leave that trigger, we leave that thing. Even if everyone

Kate Harlow: 00:17:15

agrees that we are right and the person we work for is a monster,

Kate Harlow: 00:17:19

everyone agrees that we are right. That leaves us

Kate Harlow: 00:17:22

disempowered. It leaves us in disassociation. It leaves us in

Kate Harlow: 00:17:27

disconnection. It leaves us disconnected from the truth and

Kate Harlow: 00:17:31

the magnitude of who we are and what is possible here on this

Kate Harlow: 00:17:34

planet, so much is possible, and what the planet needs is people

Kate Harlow: 00:17:39

owning their activations, owning their triggers and being able to

Kate Harlow: 00:17:43

come root down into the truth of who we are, which is love, not

Kate Harlow: 00:17:47

not love in the sense that you like, stay in an abusive

Kate Harlow: 00:17:50

relationship and then you just love that person for abusing

Kate Harlow: 00:17:53

you. No, you remove yourself from environments and places and

Kate Harlow: 00:17:56

people that you don't want to be around. But if you stay in blame

Kate Harlow: 00:18:00

with that person, you stay in captivity, you stay in

Kate Harlow: 00:18:04

righteousness, you stay in right and wrong and good and bad

Kate Harlow: 00:18:06

mentality, which actually robs you of your divinity and your

Kate Harlow: 00:18:10

spiritual experience, and it also robs the dynamic of

Kate Harlow: 00:18:14

transformation I have been doing. I mean, I've been

Kate Harlow: 00:18:18

coaching for almost 20 years. I have been doing this particular

Kate Harlow: 00:18:22

I was gonna say work, but I've been on the heroin journey of

Kate Harlow: 00:18:25

awakening women to the magic of who they are and the life that's

Kate Harlow: 00:18:28

meant for them for for 10 years, and I have seen the most

Kate Harlow: 00:18:34

extraordinary miracles that have occurred between families, in

Kate Harlow: 00:18:39

laws, exes, narcissistic exes, crazy, crazy, triggering

Kate Harlow: 00:18:46

relationships that have absolutely healed and evolved

Kate Harlow: 00:18:51

because the woman I'm working with has shifted her

Kate Harlow: 00:18:55

perspective, has stopped holding the other person hostage, which

Kate Harlow: 00:18:58

is actually holding herself hostage, and she has owned her

Kate Harlow: 00:19:02

side of the street. She has looked in the mirror and

Kate Harlow: 00:19:06

identified what her part is in this dynamic. She has evolved

Kate Harlow: 00:19:10

beyond it. And what happens naturally all the time. I mean,

Kate Harlow: 00:19:15

I've seen this hundreds of times. What happens naturally is

Kate Harlow: 00:19:18

the dynamic changes, and all of a sudden, people, she couldn't

Kate Harlow: 00:19:21

have fathomed changing change. And it doesn't mean every single

Kate Harlow: 00:19:25

person will, but my best friend and I have a saying, and it goes

Kate Harlow: 00:19:27

like this, people will evolve, or they'll dissolve from your

Kate Harlow: 00:19:31

life. And the reality is, you don't have to go cutting people

Kate Harlow: 00:19:34

out, right? That's your ego. If your ego is like cutting that

Kate Harlow: 00:19:37

person out, cutting that person out, cutting that though, it'll

Kate Harlow: 00:19:39

grow 10 heads. This is like playing Whack a Mole. That

Kate Harlow: 00:19:42

person's wrong about that person's wrong, and then the

Kate Harlow: 00:19:44

universe is just gonna send you another one and another one and

Kate Harlow: 00:19:47

another one, until you're willing to get really

Kate Harlow: 00:19:49

uncomfortable and look at your side and look at what you're

Kate Harlow: 00:19:52

contributing to this dynamic. Right once you own your side of

Kate Harlow: 00:19:57

the street and you clean up your side. Of this dynamic, the

Kate Harlow: 00:20:00

dynamic that existed can no longer exist. It can't exist. So

Kate Harlow: 00:20:05

what happens is, either that person shocks you, and when you

Kate Harlow: 00:20:10

show up differently in this dynamic, they start to show up

Kate Harlow: 00:20:12

differently, or they naturally fall away from your life. So

Kate Harlow: 00:20:17

obviously, there's certain situations like you know a

Kate Harlow: 00:20:20

parenting partner who can't naturally fall out of your life

Kate Harlow: 00:20:23

because you need to co parent with them. But the more you stop

Kate Harlow: 00:20:28

participating in the dynamic and you own your side of the street.

Kate Harlow: 00:20:31

You own what your patterns are. Oh, I'm with a narcissist who's

Kate Harlow: 00:20:35

constantly taking, taking what's my side. Oh, I'm a self

Kate Harlow: 00:20:38

sacrificer who's constantly giving and giving. Right? If you

Kate Harlow: 00:20:42

don't clean up your side of the street, nothing will change, and

Kate Harlow: 00:20:45

then you'll keep attracting you can get rid of all of those bad

Kate Harlow: 00:20:48

narcissists in the world, but until you clean up your side of

Kate Harlow: 00:20:51

this great street, nothing will change. So that's the thing.

Kate Harlow: 00:20:55

Like, there's so much personal development content out there

Kate Harlow: 00:20:58

right now, like, look for the red flags. Look for the

Kate Harlow: 00:21:00

narcissist like you got to watch out for these signs, la, la, la,

Kate Harlow: 00:21:04

that just keeps people in victim mentality and blame like, oh,

Kate Harlow: 00:21:07

the narcissists are the big bad guys. Guess what? My loves. We

Kate Harlow: 00:21:10

all have all of these traits inside of us, and you know, we

Kate Harlow: 00:21:15

are all participating in these protective mechanism dynamics

Kate Harlow: 00:21:19

that come from trauma and childhood, and just like you had

Kate Harlow: 00:21:23

trauma in your childhood, so did that person who's very self

Kate Harlow: 00:21:26

centered, right? Or actually, I love the word self centered. I

Kate Harlow: 00:21:29

think we should all be self centered, selfish, selfish,

Kate Harlow: 00:21:32

selfless. Those are on the far extreme selfish. I don't give a

Kate Harlow: 00:21:35

fuck what anyone about anyone's experience. I'm only caring

Kate Harlow: 00:21:39

about my own selfless as I don't give a fuck about my own

Kate Harlow: 00:21:43

experience, I'm only caring about other people's the place

Kate Harlow: 00:21:46

in the middle is centered within yourself. That is where you want

Kate Harlow: 00:21:49

to be. That's the heroine you're considering other but you choose

Kate Harlow: 00:21:53

yourself in every moment, you choose yourself, and you know

Kate Harlow: 00:21:57

it's the most honorable thing for everyone, and you lovingly

Kate Harlow: 00:22:00

communicate your truth to other people without blame or attack

Kate Harlow: 00:22:05

or shut down, but you you are sovereign in the middle. So this

Kate Harlow: 00:22:10

is and this is something I teach. I actually have the

Kate Harlow: 00:22:13

reclamation program. I wasn't even going to talk about it

Kate Harlow: 00:22:15

today, but my reclamation program, that's an online self

Kate Harlow: 00:22:18

study course. It's only $497

Kate Harlow: 00:22:21

and you have it for a lifetime access. And I'm actually going

Kate Harlow: 00:22:24

through with all the heroines in the reclamation community live

Kate Harlow: 00:22:29

in January, and there's women in there who've done it with me

Kate Harlow: 00:22:31

like seven times. They do it over and over and over again,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:35

because it's such a beautiful way to deepen your relationship

Kate Harlow: 00:22:38

with yourself. So if you're not inside of that community. I'll

Kate Harlow: 00:22:41

link, link it below. You should absolutely join us in the

Kate Harlow: 00:22:44

reclamation this year. It's starting in January. What a

Kate Harlow: 00:22:47

great way to kick off the new year, where you can learn how to

Kate Harlow: 00:22:49

fully take responsibility and how to operate in your

Kate Harlow: 00:22:52

relationships from your heroine. I teach how to communicate, how

Kate Harlow: 00:22:55

to how to live from this centered, rooted place within

Kate Harlow: 00:22:59

yourself. So just want to let you know that that's coming up,

Kate Harlow: 00:23:02

but your activators are a mirror. You've got to look in

Kate Harlow: 00:23:05

the mirror and see what is my part, right? So if you're if

Kate Harlow: 00:23:09

your uncle activates you so much at Christmas, what is what is my

Kate Harlow: 00:23:14

part? What am I not saying or doing? How am I not honoring

Kate Harlow: 00:23:18

myself? How am I not using my voice? What is this person? What

Kate Harlow: 00:23:21

is reflected here that I am repressed from or shut down

Kate Harlow: 00:23:25

from, because every person who activates you is is reflecting

Kate Harlow: 00:23:29

something. It's either a part of you, it like, sometimes it's a

Kate Harlow: 00:23:34

direct reflection, like it's a blind spot where your saboteur

Kate Harlow: 00:23:38

has a similar pattern, but you can't see it, and so that person

Kate Harlow: 00:23:42

is triggering for you. It's like when your mom triggers you, but

Kate Harlow: 00:23:45

actually she triggers you because you're kind of like her

Kate Harlow: 00:23:48

in certain ways, but you didn't realize it. It's like that, or

Kate Harlow: 00:23:52

it's triggering something that shut down from you. Now it might

Kate Harlow: 00:23:56

I've said this before, but the triggers aren't necessarily

Kate Harlow: 00:23:59

apples to apples, right? So let's say your boss is a total

Kate Harlow: 00:24:03

bitch, and she's like, bossing everyone around. And I'll, I'll

Kate Harlow: 00:24:06

soften the word bitch and say the controller, if we're looking

Kate Harlow: 00:24:09

at it through the lens of saboteur archetypes, if she's

Kate Harlow: 00:24:11

telling everyone what to do, and she's condescending and she's

Kate Harlow: 00:24:14

talking down to people, and she's bossing people around, and

Kate Harlow: 00:24:17

you are someone who doesn't use your voice. You are someone who

Kate Harlow: 00:24:21

who is submissive and passive, and you don't stand with and for

Kate Harlow: 00:24:26

yourself, and you're not rooted in the sovereign queen that you

Kate Harlow: 00:24:29

are. You feel like you're not worthy and you're not good

Kate Harlow: 00:24:31

enough, and you're small. Someone like that will trigger

Kate Harlow: 00:24:35

you. Why not? Because you're meant to be bossy and bitchy and

Kate Harlow: 00:24:39

controlling of other people, but because she's representing a

Kate Harlow: 00:24:43

shadow aspect of something that's shut down from you, which

Kate Harlow: 00:24:46

is the Queen, which is the woman who speaks her truth, who stands

Kate Harlow: 00:24:49

with and for herself, who who speaks her needs, who speaks her

Kate Harlow: 00:24:53

her her sovereign truth. Okay? So again, not apples to apples,

Kate Harlow: 00:24:58

not like you want to become. Um Miranda Priestly from Devil

Kate Harlow: 00:25:01

Wears Prada, but Miranda Priestly is reflecting something

Kate Harlow: 00:25:06

that you're shut down from, that's a great archetype of the

Kate Harlow: 00:25:10

the woman who's power over control. So we're used to seeing

Kate Harlow: 00:25:13

power over and power under, which is just two aspects of the

Kate Harlow: 00:25:17

saboteur, the self sacrificer and shape shifter, with the

Kate Harlow: 00:25:20

controller, so your activators or your triggers are a mirror,

Kate Harlow: 00:25:25

and this is an opportunity for you to actually grow more into

Kate Harlow: 00:25:30

who you really are and heal that Wounded Little Girl by not

Kate Harlow: 00:25:34

letting her lead anymore and seeing like, oh my gosh, this

Kate Harlow: 00:25:37

person's mirroring. My queen is shut down. I need to awaken my

Kate Harlow: 00:25:40

queen. I need to learn how to communicate and use my voice. I

Kate Harlow: 00:25:44

need to prioritize standing with and for myself. This actually is

Kate Harlow: 00:25:48

a gateway into more of who I am. This trigger, it is not it's not

Kate Harlow: 00:25:53

about the other person. I love. To look at the people in our

Kate Harlow: 00:25:57

lives as hired actors. If your life is a movie, and everyone in

Kate Harlow: 00:26:02

your life is a hired actor that you that your soul hired to help

Kate Harlow: 00:26:07

your human evolve, right? Because that's why we're here on

Kate Harlow: 00:26:12

planet Earth. Your soul is here to evolve and live the most

Kate Harlow: 00:26:16

expanded Express life as who you really are, especially if you're

Kate Harlow: 00:26:19

listening to the new truth podcast, especially if you're on

Kate Harlow: 00:26:22

the heroin journey or becoming an unscripted woman. Oof,

Kate Harlow: 00:26:26

actually, I have a course called becoming the unscripted woman.

Kate Harlow: 00:26:28

That's the evolved version of my expanded love masterclass that's

Kate Harlow: 00:26:32

happening in January too. So I'll share that with you at the

Kate Harlow: 00:26:35

end of this episode. But that's a five week, once a week a

Kate Harlow: 00:26:39

light, but, like, really life changing opportunity as well. So

Kate Harlow: 00:26:43

you could do that as well. Yeah, I'll tell you more about it. But

Kate Harlow: 00:26:47

basically, this is an opportunity to grow more into

Kate Harlow: 00:26:51

who you are, and you hire these actors to activate you, my

Kate Harlow: 00:26:56

loves, your saboteur mind the fantasy addict will want, will

Kate Harlow: 00:27:01

want you to have this life of pleasant fill, of no triggers,

Kate Harlow: 00:27:05

of no bad things happening, and life is just happily ever after,

Kate Harlow: 00:27:09

like we were told it was going to be when we were little,

Kate Harlow: 00:27:11

right? That's what your fantasy addict aspect of your saboteur

Kate Harlow: 00:27:15

wants. But the reality is, you grow through challenge. You grow

Kate Harlow: 00:27:21

through that. Like, think about every movie, like all the Marvel

Kate Harlow: 00:27:25

movies. It's like the antagonist the bad guy is what calls the

Kate Harlow: 00:27:28

superhero to rise, right? So if you didn't have antagonist in

Kate Harlow: 00:27:34

your story, you wouldn't rise. I look back at my old mentor, and

Kate Harlow: 00:27:38

at the time of working with her, when I first started working

Kate Harlow: 00:27:40

with her. I worked with this woman for nine years. When I

Kate Harlow: 00:27:43

first started working with her, I was just obsessed with her. I

Kate Harlow: 00:27:46

had her on a pedestal because she was representing where I was

Kate Harlow: 00:27:50

headed. She was a phenomenal speaker, a phenomenal teacher,

Kate Harlow: 00:27:53

phenomenal coach. She was so mesmerizing. I was absolutely

Kate Harlow: 00:27:57

captivated by her. And then she started mentoring me to awaken

Kate Harlow: 00:28:01

my these repressed aspects of me, and as we started deepening

Kate Harlow: 00:28:06

our relationship over the years, once I started to find my feet

Kate Harlow: 00:28:11

and find my power, it wasn't true power, I started slipping

Kate Harlow: 00:28:14

into power over because she started becoming incredibly

Kate Harlow: 00:28:18

triggering to Me and I had all these stories I remember at the

Kate Harlow: 00:28:23

time and like, Oh, she's wrong and bad. And had all these

Kate Harlow: 00:28:27

stories and and it's so funny, because I

Unknown: 00:28:29

look back now and I'm like, Thank God, I hired that

Kate Harlow: 00:28:36

woman in my story who literally changed, like she

Kate Harlow: 00:28:40

helped me, she was that every time she inspired me, she

Kate Harlow: 00:28:44

activated something in me. Every time she triggered me, she

Kate Harlow: 00:28:47

activated something in me. Every facet of our relationship was

Kate Harlow: 00:28:51

part of my initiation into growing into the sovereign

Kate Harlow: 00:28:55

heroine of my life, every single aspect, every single thing we

Kate Harlow: 00:29:00

went through every high and low, every ebb and flow. It was all

Kate Harlow: 00:29:04

part of the initiation of me becoming the heroine of my

Kate Harlow: 00:29:07

story. So then I could go start my own work in the world and be

Kate Harlow: 00:29:11

here with you. Now, did I believe I was starting my own

Kate Harlow: 00:29:14

work in the world at the time? No, I didn't know. Right? We

Kate Harlow: 00:29:17

don't know when we're in the story, when you're in the pain,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:20

you don't know why you're going through this big activation. You

Kate Harlow: 00:29:23

don't know why this massive heartbreak is actually your

Kate Harlow: 00:29:26

initiation into your life's purpose, or whatever the thing

Kate Harlow: 00:29:29

might be, whoever's triggering you, whoever you're feeling

Kate Harlow: 00:29:33

activated by that's part of your initiation, and life is

Kate Harlow: 00:29:37

constantly inviting and initiating you into becoming

Kate Harlow: 00:29:42

more right? But if you just live in blame, if you just live in

Kate Harlow: 00:29:45

victim mentality, you will miss the boat. You will miss the

Kate Harlow: 00:29:50

evolution of your beautiful, magical soul. So this is a call

Kate Harlow: 00:29:55

to rise. This is a call these characters you hired to help

Kate Harlow: 00:29:59

you. Row, and you will see that someone like I think of myself

Kate Harlow: 00:30:04

in my journey. I used to be so intimidated by powerful women

Kate Harlow: 00:30:09

who were leading and, you know, commanding a room and inspiring

Kate Harlow: 00:30:15

people that used to intimidate the fuck out of me, like my old

Kate Harlow: 00:30:18

mentor. And now I, I'm, I am that, and when I'm around

Kate Harlow: 00:30:22

someone like that, I just feel inspired, excited. I want to

Kate Harlow: 00:30:26

collaborate. There's an expansiveness, even if they're

Kate Harlow: 00:30:29

way ahead of me in terms of their ability to impact and

Kate Harlow: 00:30:33

reach people in the world. I don't pedestal them. I used to,

Kate Harlow: 00:30:37

right? I don't pedestal them. I don't feel like they're better

Kate Harlow: 00:30:39

than me, or they have something I don't have. I feel met because

Kate Harlow: 00:30:43

I've activated those qualities inside of me. And if I feel

Kate Harlow: 00:30:47

triggered at some point, which maybe after saying this out

Kate Harlow: 00:30:49

loud, a new one's going to come my way, and I'll have some sort

Kate Harlow: 00:30:52

of activation. But I know it's a mirror. I know it's a reflection

Kate Harlow: 00:30:56

of where I'm headed, of where I'm going. So these activations

Kate Harlow: 00:31:02

are an opportunity for you to grow more into who you are, not

Kate Harlow: 00:31:05

to become smaller. So the first step is look in the mirror,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:09

spend some time either writing or meditating or even just

Kate Harlow: 00:31:12

sitting in front of the mirror, whatever you're feeling about

Kate Harlow: 00:31:15

these people or this person who triggers you say it to yourself

Kate Harlow: 00:31:20

in the mirror. Okay, that's like the most confronting, but life

Kate Harlow: 00:31:24

changing exercise. Sit really close, make sure the mirror has

Kate Harlow: 00:31:29

good lighting, so your sabotage not being mean to what about so

Kate Harlow: 00:31:32

your Saboteurs become obsessed with what you look like, but

Kate Harlow: 00:31:35

you're actually just looking in the mirror, looking deep into

Kate Harlow: 00:31:38

your eyes and saying those things to yourselves. We're so

Kate Harlow: 00:31:41

used to looking in the mirror and just and judging ourselves,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:43

so I say choose a mirror with good lighting, because then it's

Kate Harlow: 00:31:47

going to reflect the brightness of your eyes, the brightness of

Kate Harlow: 00:31:50

your skin, the brightness of your soul, rather than it

Kate Harlow: 00:31:53

reflecting, you know, whatever your saboteur wants to critique

Kate Harlow: 00:31:57

and judge based on our social based on our conditioning, the

Kate Harlow: 00:32:00

beauty industry and all that crap. Anyways, that's a

Kate Harlow: 00:32:02

different episode. So sit in front of the mirror, look deeply

Kate Harlow: 00:32:06

into your eyes and as if you're looking at that person and you

Kate Harlow: 00:32:10

say, what triggers you? Damn you. You make me feel so small.

Kate Harlow: 00:32:15

You are such an asshole. You your way of being makes me feel

Kate Harlow: 00:32:19

like I don't matter. I'm not important, you'll soon see it's

Kate Harlow: 00:32:23

not them that makes you feel like you don't matter and you're

Kate Harlow: 00:32:25

not important. They're just being who they are, and even if

Kate Harlow: 00:32:27

they seem like an asshole, let me tell you, there's a lot of

Kate Harlow: 00:32:31

pain inside of that person. Every asshole you meet is trying

Kate Harlow: 00:32:35

to protect their hearts. That's why they're an asshole. That's

Kate Harlow: 00:32:38

just the version of the saboteur strategy that their saboteur

Kate Harlow: 00:32:41

developed when they were a kid to survive whatever they went

Kate Harlow: 00:32:44

through in their childhood, just like you went through a lot of

Kate Harlow: 00:32:46

stuff, right? So that person actually has a heart. I cracked

Kate Harlow: 00:32:50

down. I I've told you this before, but like one of my

Kate Harlow: 00:32:53

favorite things in the world to do is to crack people open, who

Kate Harlow: 00:32:56

seem closed, who seem sharp, who seem hard, right? There is,

Kate Harlow: 00:33:00

there is a love inside of that person. There is a heart inside

Kate Harlow: 00:33:03

of that person. So can you look at yourself in the mirror and

Kate Harlow: 00:33:07

say all the things? Because the reality is, it's not them that's

Kate Harlow: 00:33:10

doing it to you. It's you. Whatever the trigger is,

Kate Harlow: 00:33:13

whatever the meaning you're making of their behavior is

Kate Harlow: 00:33:16

about how you're internalizing it and how you're using it to

Kate Harlow: 00:33:20

keep yourself small, how you're using it to hurt yourself the

Kate Harlow: 00:33:23

mirror. Practice with activations. Is life changing?

Kate Harlow: 00:33:28

After you've done this process in the mirror, let any feelings

Kate Harlow: 00:33:31

arise, arise. Don't be afraid of tears. If tears come, as you're

Kate Harlow: 00:33:35

saying it, just let them flow. Your tears are cleaning all like

Kate Harlow: 00:33:39

crap and gunk that's blocking your heart. The more that you

Kate Harlow: 00:33:42

cry, the more that you clean your heart, especially if you

Kate Harlow: 00:33:46

cry with your eyes open looking in the mirror. I mean, that's

Kate Harlow: 00:33:48

one of the most healing things you can do, looking at somebody

Kate Harlow: 00:33:51

else and crying with your eyes open or looking in the mirror,

Kate Harlow: 00:33:54

because you're actually witnessing yourself, and so

Kate Harlow: 00:33:57

you're healing that deeper part of yourself, rather than crying

Kate Harlow: 00:34:00

with your eyes closed, and reinforcing the story in your

Kate Harlow: 00:34:02

mind, which often keeps us stuck. So it's deeply healing.

Kate Harlow: 00:34:06

So let the river run, if they if tears come, let yourself feel.

Kate Harlow: 00:34:10

And then after you've done this process, close your eyes and

Kate Harlow: 00:34:14

feel your heart and feel what you feel inside. Now, pour love

Kate Harlow: 00:34:19

into yourself after, and then maybe get out your journal and

Kate Harlow: 00:34:22

do some reflecting on what you noticed and what you realized.

Kate Harlow: 00:34:25

Even just this exercise will be so transformative, but you if

Kate Harlow: 00:34:29

the feelings are still lingering, you can also put on

Kate Harlow: 00:34:32

music, move your body, start to move the energy of the feeling,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:35

so that you can unlock what is stuck, all the energy that

Kate Harlow: 00:34:42

stuck, and then you come to your sovereignty. You come back to

Kate Harlow: 00:34:46

your sovereignty right. And now you can see this situation

Kate Harlow: 00:34:50

through clear eyes. And so step two is to see the whole

Kate Harlow: 00:34:54

situation from a different perspective, and to maybe even

Kate Harlow: 00:34:57

write out like thank you for. For reminding me of my power.

Kate Harlow: 00:35:02

Thank you for reminding me to use my voice. Thank you for

Kate Harlow: 00:35:05

reminding me of the power of vulnerability, or whatever the

Kate Harlow: 00:35:08

reflection has been. Thank you for being so let's say it's an

Kate Harlow: 00:35:12

ex who broke your heart, quote, unquote, you broke your own

Kate Harlow: 00:35:16

heart. And also, the heart can't be broken. It's just the that's

Kate Harlow: 00:35:18

all the mind. It's like, it's a story. The heart can't be

Kate Harlow: 00:35:21

broken. Your heart is the strongest part of you, and it

Kate Harlow: 00:35:24

doesn't need any protection ever so come back to your heart and

Kate Harlow: 00:35:29

see this situation through the lens of the heart. Thank you to

Kate Harlow: 00:35:33

my ex, who had an affair, who left me, who left my life, who

Kate Harlow: 00:35:39

thank you for liberating me, because now I'm free to be me.

Kate Harlow: 00:35:43

Thank you for being the catalyst for me learning how to love

Kate Harlow: 00:35:46

myself deeper. Because when I chose you, I didn't love myself.

Kate Harlow: 00:35:49

When I chose you, I chose you from insecurity and from

Kate Harlow: 00:35:52

contraction, not from love. Maybe I thought it was love, or

Kate Harlow: 00:35:56

maybe it was like a version of love, but it was a small

Kate Harlow: 00:35:58

version, not an expanded version. So thank you for being

Kate Harlow: 00:36:01

the catalyst to expand me. Thank you for showing me and giving me

Kate Harlow: 00:36:05

the opportunity to actually look at my relationship with myself

Kate Harlow: 00:36:08

and to change things. So that's number two, is to look through

Kate Harlow: 00:36:11

the lens of the heart after you've done the mirror, after

Kate Harlow: 00:36:15

you've seen it differently. Now you look through the lens of the

Kate Harlow: 00:36:18

heart and you make a statement, a thank you statement as to what

Kate Harlow: 00:36:22

this is activating for you and what, what is the opportunity

Kate Harlow: 00:36:26

here for you, and the third thing is to bring that new

Kate Harlow: 00:36:33

energy into your Christmas dinner or into the next

Kate Harlow: 00:36:38

conversation with them, where you bring the energy of your

Kate Harlow: 00:36:42

wholeness, right? Because in any given moment, you have your

Kate Harlow: 00:36:46

wounded self, which most people are just operating from, that

Kate Harlow: 00:36:50

part of themselves, the Wounded Little Girl and The saboteur

Kate Harlow: 00:36:54

constantly looking for, who do I need to protect myself from? Who

Kate Harlow: 00:36:57

do I need to blame? Who do I need to hide? Who do I need to

Kate Harlow: 00:36:59

shut down around? Who do I need to control? Who do I need to be

Kate Harlow: 00:37:02

perfect around your Saboteurs constantly looking for ways to

Kate Harlow: 00:37:05

adapt to feel safe, right? Because underneath is a wounded

Kate Harlow: 00:37:08

little girl who did that when she was little because she had

Kate Harlow: 00:37:11

to right. But inside of you is a sovereign heroine. Inside of you

Kate Harlow: 00:37:17

is a sovereign woman who knows her worth, who is rooted in her

Kate Harlow: 00:37:22

worth? Who is rooted in the present moment? Who, who sees

Kate Harlow: 00:37:25

the world through the lens of the heart, which is not

Kate Harlow: 00:37:28

guarding, which is not protection, which is sovereign?

Kate Harlow: 00:37:31

I am sovereign in my own being, and I when I have pain, you're

Kate Harlow: 00:37:36

not responsible for my pain. This is the most liberating

Kate Harlow: 00:37:39

statement ever. Nobody is responsible for your pain. All

Kate Harlow: 00:37:43

it is when you are activated or triggered. All that is is there

Kate Harlow: 00:37:48

was a, we'll just say, a gunshot wound that was already there,

Kate Harlow: 00:37:52

and somebody else stuck their finger in your wound at they

Kate Harlow: 00:37:57

didn't shoot the gun, they just stuck their finger in your

Kate Harlow: 00:38:01

wound, but your saboteur mind believes that they shot the gun,

Kate Harlow: 00:38:06

and your saboteur mind is looking for all your friends to

Kate Harlow: 00:38:09

agree with you that they shot the gun, that they're the ones

Kate Harlow: 00:38:12

who are responsible for it, but they're not my loves, no matter

Kate Harlow: 00:38:16

how wrong that person seems, the wound was already there, and you

Kate Harlow: 00:38:20

attracted this person to help you heal it, if you are awake

Kate Harlow: 00:38:26

enough to own your side of the street, to feel your feelings,

Kate Harlow: 00:38:31

to see how your pattern contributes to this dynamic that

Kate Harlow: 00:38:37

is everything, owning your side of The street is the most

Kate Harlow: 00:38:41

important thing you can do in your life, in all of your

Kate Harlow: 00:38:44

relationships. I was talking to my bestie last night, and I was

Kate Harlow: 00:38:47

saying how it's so wild to be at a place in my life where I don't

Kate Harlow: 00:38:51

blame people anymore. Like I might blame someone for a

Kate Harlow: 00:38:54

second, but I don't stay in blame. I have zero stories where

Kate Harlow: 00:38:58

I'm like, That person hurt me, and they're banned forever, like

Kate Harlow: 00:39:03

I move through and own my side of the street and or or do the

Kate Harlow: 00:39:07

deeper healing that my heart and soul need, that I don't stay in

Kate Harlow: 00:39:11

blame. Because when you actually look in the mirror and you go

Kate Harlow: 00:39:15

through the process of owning your story and taking

Kate Harlow: 00:39:20

responsibility for your part, you can't stay in blame, which

Kate Harlow: 00:39:24

is the most liberating thing, because holding on to blame,

Kate Harlow: 00:39:27

it's that statement is like drinking poison and expecting

Kate Harlow: 00:39:30

the other person to die. You think you're hurting them, but

Kate Harlow: 00:39:33

my love, you're hurting you. If you blame your ex for the next

Kate Harlow: 00:39:37

10 years that they hurt you, you're not hurting your you're

Kate Harlow: 00:39:41

not hurting them. You're hurting you in the disguise that you're

Kate Harlow: 00:39:45

hurting them right, because they hurt you. And you just hold on

Kate Harlow: 00:39:48

to this. If I let go of this, then I'm saying it's okay what

Kate Harlow: 00:39:52

they did. That's not what we're saying. It's accepting what

Kate Harlow: 00:39:55

happened and looking at as an opportunity to grow in. To who

Kate Harlow: 00:40:00

you're meant to be. If we look at everything from like souls

Kate Harlow: 00:40:04

curriculum perspective, our souls come to this planet, and

Kate Harlow: 00:40:07

we're here to work through a whole bunch of curriculum, not

Kate Harlow: 00:40:09

the easiest curriculum, right? It's like high school or

Kate Harlow: 00:40:13

university. Like the curriculum is not always easy, but you are

Kate Harlow: 00:40:16

going to grow and evolve so much when you're willing to face the

Kate Harlow: 00:40:19

curriculum, and when you're willing to look at your part and

Kate Harlow: 00:40:22

own your own story and become the writer of your own story,

Kate Harlow: 00:40:26

right? If you just stay trapped thinking everybody else is wrong

Kate Harlow: 00:40:30

and bad, you are trapping yourself that is such a limited

Kate Harlow: 00:40:33

life and a painful life at that like otherwise, it gets to be

Kate Harlow: 00:40:37

like a cool video game where you kept, get to keep evolving to

Kate Harlow: 00:40:41

the next level and the next level and the next level and the

Kate Harlow: 00:40:44

next level. I had a situation this week where I had, I'll tell

Kate Harlow: 00:40:48

you what my activation was. I wasn't going to share it, but

Kate Harlow: 00:40:51

this is just coming through that I should share it with you. So I

Kate Harlow: 00:40:54

had an online, not my first rodeo, but an online bullying

Kate Harlow: 00:40:58

situation. Or, I don't know that sounds dramatic. I had an online

Kate Harlow: 00:41:03

unfriendly situation encounter where somebody shared my post I

Kate Harlow: 00:41:08

did on Facebook that was like rooted in self love and becoming

Kate Harlow: 00:41:13

a mate to your own soul. And it was this post that I wrote with

Kate Harlow: 00:41:16

my heart and soul, and this woman took my post and she

Kate Harlow: 00:41:20

shared it on her Facebook page and said, I, I fuck What did she

Kate Harlow: 00:41:25

say? You were so fucking annoying, which is so funny that

Kate Harlow: 00:41:29

she used the word annoying, because when I was younger, that

Kate Harlow: 00:41:32

was my number one trigger word. People called me annoying all

Kate Harlow: 00:41:35

the time because I was so bubbly and so like, such a pleaser. Ew,

Kate Harlow: 00:41:40

I must have been so annoying to be around, and so that word used

Kate Harlow: 00:41:44

to trigger the fuck out of me. So it's actually pretty cool to

Kate Harlow: 00:41:48

witness, to hat, to watch my my response and reaction to this,

Kate Harlow: 00:41:54

this thing that happened, because it revealed actually a

Kate Harlow: 00:41:59

lot of growth, and I also just got to pour more love into the

Kate Harlow: 00:42:03

part of me that it hurt because I'm still a human with feelings,

Kate Harlow: 00:42:06

like someone just, you know, attacks me, like I'm not a

Kate Harlow: 00:42:10

victim of the attack, but I'm still, like, it's still gonna

Kate Harlow: 00:42:12

hurt, and I need to tend to my feelings. So she said, You're

Kate Harlow: 00:42:17

You're so fucking annoying, and I can't stand your fucking face.

Kate Harlow: 00:42:22

Thought you should know. And this is a woman. I'm like, I

Kate Harlow: 00:42:24

think I'm like, did I meet her one day? Or I don't know, I know

Kate Harlow: 00:42:28

the name, but I didn't know her. You know, there's 5000 people on

Kate Harlow: 00:42:31

Facebook, and I'm like, maybe I used to be a business coach, and

Kate Harlow: 00:42:34

I worked with so many people over the years. Maybe it's just

Kate Harlow: 00:42:37

someone from social media. I'm actually not sure I knew her

Kate Harlow: 00:42:40

name, but regardless, is like, I know that that situation had

Kate Harlow: 00:42:46

nothing to do with me. I'm so rooted in my projections are

Kate Harlow: 00:42:50

mine and your projections are yours. And when that came, when

Kate Harlow: 00:42:54

I read that, it hurt. It felt like a bow and arrow, like

Kate Harlow: 00:42:58

dagger going into my heart. It hurt. It ruptured something. And

Kate Harlow: 00:43:02

I cried, and I just shut my computer and I put my hands on

Kate Harlow: 00:43:06

my heart, and I let little me cry, and I just held my heart

Kate Harlow: 00:43:10

and my solar plexus. I cried and cried and cried and and I just

Kate Harlow: 00:43:15

said, and as as she started to calm down, because they knew it

Kate Harlow: 00:43:19

was a young part of me that it hurt, the words hurt, because

Kate Harlow: 00:43:21

the sovereign woman in me knows that those words had nothing

Kate Harlow: 00:43:24

about had nothing to do with me. She is activated by me because

Kate Harlow: 00:43:29

I'm a mirror of something she shut down from. And so I felt my

Kate Harlow: 00:43:34

pain, and maybe I'm annoying to her, that's fine. No big deal.

Kate Harlow: 00:43:38

But I felt that little part of me is pain, and I held her and I

Kate Harlow: 00:43:42

said, I love you, I love you, I love you, and I didn't. So

Kate Harlow: 00:43:46

sometimes what happens is, like, the i Some people might teach,

Kate Harlow: 00:43:50

like, Okay, someone attacks you, then say really nice things to

Kate Harlow: 00:43:52

yourself is like, I don't need to pump up my tires, because all

Kate Harlow: 00:43:57

that little girl really needs, I believe, is love, right? I know

Kate Harlow: 00:44:00

who I am and who I am is not. It's infinite. I'm not like, Oh,

Kate Harlow: 00:44:05

I'm an amazing person with lots of gifts, like I that's only an

Kate Harlow: 00:44:08

insecure part of me that would need to hear that, right? So it

Kate Harlow: 00:44:11

would be like feeding a bottomless pit versus sitting in

Kate Harlow: 00:44:15

the seat of the sovereign queen, the sovereign heroine, holding

Kate Harlow: 00:44:18

the heart of the little girl, telling her I love her and that

Kate Harlow: 00:44:21

she's safe. I love her, I've got her she's safe to feel, letting

Kate Harlow: 00:44:26

her feel and then coming back to my sovereignty and coming back

Kate Harlow: 00:44:31

to seeing clearly that that and yes, I, you know, blocked that

Kate Harlow: 00:44:35

woman on my social media and was like that, like, I'm not okay

Kate Harlow: 00:44:38

with that treatment. That's not okay with me, but, but I came

Kate Harlow: 00:44:43

back to my center, and guess what? I will admit to you the

Kate Harlow: 00:44:47

next day, I still felt really tender. So I called my beautiful

Kate Harlow: 00:44:51

healer. I have this amazing new healer, and this woman from

Kate Harlow: 00:44:54

Japan that lives here in Kenya in Nairobi, and she's a yoga

Kate Harlow: 00:44:58

teacher and a healer. And. I'm, actually, I'm helping her

Kate Harlow: 00:45:01

organize a retreat in Okinawa in Japan, because I'm just, I've

Kate Harlow: 00:45:04

been dying to go there, and she's so magical. And so I

Kate Harlow: 00:45:07

texted her and was like, Hey, I'm having a tender heart this

Kate Harlow: 00:45:11

week. I would love to have a session, and I had a healing

Kate Harlow: 00:45:13

with her. So I, you know, of course, I gave myself what I

Kate Harlow: 00:45:17

needed to clear the energy, because it stuck, but it didn't

Kate Harlow: 00:45:21

stick to my mind. I wasn't feeding stories. It stuck to my

Kate Harlow: 00:45:25

heart. There was something that stuck, but again, the heart

Kate Harlow: 00:45:27

doesn't need protection, it just needs love. So I gave it love, I

Kate Harlow: 00:45:30

gave it love, I gave it love. And and everything shifted.

Kate Harlow: 00:45:35

So it is and so what did that reflect for me? Well, it

Kate Harlow: 00:45:40

reflected so much. It reflected the part of me that's more

Kate Harlow: 00:45:44

rooted in people will be triggered by me, and that's

Kate Harlow: 00:45:47

okay. I'm taking a stand, and it goes against a lot of what a lot

Kate Harlow: 00:45:53

of people believe. So that's going to happen. I know that,

Kate Harlow: 00:45:56

and of course, it doesn't feel good or comfortable. I'm a

Kate Harlow: 00:45:58

sensitive person, and I care deeply, but old me, like if I

Kate Harlow: 00:46:01

was living from my saboteur. Still, my saboteur used to care

Kate Harlow: 00:46:04

so much what everyone thought of me and wanted to be liked by

Kate Harlow: 00:46:07

everyone, but my sovereign woman knows that I'm not going to be

Kate Harlow: 00:46:11

liked by everyone, but it's not their soul. It's their

Kate Harlow: 00:46:13

protection, right? If we were all hanging out from our souls,

Kate Harlow: 00:46:17

from our hearts, from the truth of who we are, we wouldn't need

Kate Harlow: 00:46:20

protection, and we would all be connected and aligned. That's

Kate Harlow: 00:46:24

what you see at the immersion, the immersion in Greece, at any

Kate Harlow: 00:46:27

retreats that I leave, the saboteurs are activated by each

Kate Harlow: 00:46:31

other. But when we're deep, when we get underneath the

Kate Harlow: 00:46:34

protection, and we're in our hearts and souls, we're all

Kate Harlow: 00:46:36

connected. It's only our saboteurs that are activating

Kate Harlow: 00:46:39

each other. It's only our survival patterns that are

Kate Harlow: 00:46:42

compatible, like for that that you know, selfish, selfless kind

Kate Harlow: 00:46:48

of relational dynamic, or the self sacrificer and the

Kate Harlow: 00:46:51

controller dynamic, like our saboteurs, are either compatible

Kate Harlow: 00:46:55

for a wound mate relationship, or they're activating to each

Kate Harlow: 00:46:59

other because they're reflecting something. But on a heart and

Kate Harlow: 00:47:03

soul level, we are all aligned. I truly believe that. And you

Kate Harlow: 00:47:08

know, will, will there be a time in our lifetime when we're all

Kate Harlow: 00:47:11

acting and living from our hearts and souls? No, but I

Kate Harlow: 00:47:14

believe that the more you live from yours, the more you attract

Kate Harlow: 00:47:18

people who are living from theirs, and the more you awaken

Kate Harlow: 00:47:21

people to theirs. You know, I had a I know I talk about Uber

Kate Harlow: 00:47:24

drivers every, every week on the podcast, but it's really blowing

Kate Harlow: 00:47:28

my mind, because I'm taking so many Ubers here, and I had one

Kate Harlow: 00:47:32

the other day. And this man, he was a bit older, like, probably

Kate Harlow: 00:47:35

in his late 50s, early 60s, and he was, like, kind of had

Kate Harlow: 00:47:39

attitude. I was trying to, like speak Swahili to him, and trying

Kate Harlow: 00:47:42

to, like, crack him and and, you know, at first he was resistant,

Kate Harlow: 00:47:48

resistant, resistant. And then he started opening and open like

Kate Harlow: 00:47:51

flower, like slow and I wasn't forcing it. It was just gently

Kate Harlow: 00:47:54

playing and being in the energy of the heart. By the end of our

Kate Harlow: 00:47:58

taxi ride, which wasn't that long, it was just to the gym. So

Kate Harlow: 00:48:00

it was like seven minutes by the end of our drive, he said to me,

Kate Harlow: 00:48:05

are you married? That was like, No, I'm not. And he was like,

Kate Harlow: 00:48:08

oh, I want to, I want to introduce you to my son. I think

Kate Harlow: 00:48:11

you should marry him. You're an amazing woman. And I was like,

Kate Harlow: 00:48:14

thank you so much. Have a great day. And so it's such a

Kate Harlow: 00:48:19

beautiful remembering that when you are meeting someone who

Kate Harlow: 00:48:24

seems cold or like an asshole or like they don't care, they do

Kate Harlow: 00:48:28

care, they're just guarded, which means their heart feels

Kate Harlow: 00:48:32

like it like their mind believes their heart needs protection,

Kate Harlow: 00:48:35

their mind is trying to protect the little kid inside who needed

Kate Harlow: 00:48:38

protection when they were little. There is so much more

Kate Harlow: 00:48:42

going on underneath the surface. We are constantly taking other

Kate Harlow: 00:48:46

people's behavior personally, and yet their behavior actually

Kate Harlow: 00:48:50

has nothing to do with you, even if they're mad at you in the

Kate Harlow: 00:48:52

moment, it's still so much deeper than you could ever see

Kate Harlow: 00:48:57

you're never upset for the reason you think they're never

Kate Harlow: 00:49:00

upset for the reason they think so. The more you can de armor

Kate Harlow: 00:49:05

yourself and own your side of the street and clean up your

Kate Harlow: 00:49:10

patterns and come back to the rooted, sovereign queen, heroine

Kate Harlow: 00:49:14

of your life and and live from the heart of who you are. The

Kate Harlow: 00:49:18

more you can de armor people around you, and that's how we

Kate Harlow: 00:49:21

create a new world, right? It's not going to be the whole entire

Kate Harlow: 00:49:24

world all at once, but it certainly can be the world that

Kate Harlow: 00:49:27

you live in, the world that you surround yourself in, and you

Kate Harlow: 00:49:32

can be the change in the world you wish to see, as our dear

Kate Harlow: 00:49:35

friend Gandhi said so many years ago. So that is how to navigate

Kate Harlow: 00:49:41

triggers during the holidays. And you know, the more you own

Kate Harlow: 00:49:45

your stuff, the more you can create a totally different

Kate Harlow: 00:49:47

experience for this holiday season. Let little you play. Let

Kate Harlow: 00:49:51

little you be in the magic. Go to light shows. Go to, you know,

Kate Harlow: 00:49:55

those, those gardens that have the most exquisite lights. Drink

Kate Harlow: 00:49:58

hot chocolate. Go for go for Christmas drinks, go for it.

Kate Harlow: 00:50:03

Like, do go skating, if that's an option where you live, like,

Kate Harlow: 00:50:06

do things that actually activate that innocent energy, because

Kate Harlow: 00:50:10

that's what the season is all about. When you own your

Kate Harlow: 00:50:12

triggers, you can come back to generosity, you can come back to

Kate Harlow: 00:50:15

the magic. You can come back to the love. You can come back to

Kate Harlow: 00:50:18

the connectedness. You can come back to the beauty of this

Kate Harlow: 00:50:21

season, because there's so much available here for you, and you

Kate Harlow: 00:50:24

get to become the writer and the leading lady of your own story.

Kate Harlow: 00:50:28

So if you are ready for some support in 2026 and you want

Kate Harlow: 00:50:32

your saboteur patterns to stop leading your life, and you're

Kate Harlow: 00:50:35

finding yourself continuously in the trap, join us in the

Kate Harlow: 00:50:38

reclamation. It's going to be so powerful because I wasn't going

Kate Harlow: 00:50:42

to do it live again, and this year, I am offering it live in

Kate Harlow: 00:50:46

January as a bonus. So that means we're going to be on Zoom

Kate Harlow: 00:50:49

twice a month, where you get me live. I'm going to do hot seats.

Kate Harlow: 00:50:53

We're going to do breakout rooms. You're going to meet

Kate Harlow: 00:50:55

other heroines. You're going to grow your community of women who

Kate Harlow: 00:50:58

are taking responsibility for their path and their life. The

Kate Harlow: 00:51:02

reclamation is 497, and I'll link it below, so that's it for

Kate Harlow: 00:51:08

today. If you know a woman who's stuck in her blame and victim

Kate Harlow: 00:51:11

mentality and triggers and all that stuff, and she hates

Kate Harlow: 00:51:14

Christmas and she needs some magic and empowerment and

Kate Harlow: 00:51:17

guidance, spread the word. Share this episode with every woman

Kate Harlow: 00:51:20

you know who needs to hear this message as always. Also, can you

Kate Harlow: 00:51:23

go on whatever platform you listen to the podcast and do a

Kate Harlow: 00:51:27

five star review for me and a little write up about what the

Kate Harlow: 00:51:30

podcast means to you that would be the best Christmas present

Kate Harlow: 00:51:33

for me ever. It really helps the podcast to have reviews, to have

Kate Harlow: 00:51:38

raving reviews, of course, about the impact of this podcast in

Kate Harlow: 00:51:42

this community for you, and that's all I got for now. Love

Kate Harlow: 00:51:47

you, and I'll see you next week.