The Accrescent Podcast Episode 159

Actually having to take any action because as long as I still have some analyzing to do I don't need to act yet I don't need to make that hard decision or You know do that thing that I've been avoiding doing so I think this is a really really great conversation we cover So many other areas as well That's really the crux of it, but I did want to take a sec to give some updates The first one is a reminder that the video replay For the bioenergetic presentation and q a is now available.

So if you haven't signed up yet, it's not too late. You don't need to read the book before we get started. We're going to be reading through the book The Big Leap by Dr. Gay Hendricks together. And I cannot wait because this is a book that I've I've said this so many times, I really think every person on this planet should read.

And I think it's going to be such a great community of People, you know, ever growers, people who are so true to the theme of the Crescent and wanting to continue to grow and expand and And I cannot wait. So we're gonna start the book together. Like I said, so if you haven't read it yet You do not need to read the whole book before the start of the book club We're gonna read it together chapter by chapter and then gather every other week to discuss online So I will make sure the link to join The book club is down in the show notes as well.

I cannot wait to all the information I'm going to learn to be able to integrate that into my practice and, you know, just be able to share the journey with you guys. I hope, I hope it's going to be pretty smooth sailings. I also anticipate that there's going to be some really hard moments. And I'm so excited to be able to go through the journey with you all a little bit as well.

So more to come on that next week. I might have some, you know, a few little updates to share with you. So with that, please enjoy this conversation between Kelly and I. Okay. Well, we are back Kelly and I to chat through some different themes, some different things that I feel like Maybe I've been seeing a little bit more recently in client work, but also have definitely been coming to terms with myself and Kelly.

So true. Yeah. I'm here to ask them all. And I've got a few already. Brewing. So to kind of preface what we're going to be breaking down today a little bit, it's It's this pattern of we're doing the healing work, the emotional healing work. We're doing the deep digging, the processing, the, the puzzling, the connecting of the dots.

Some people might say me, me doing the work, me doing the Evox, doing the meditations, doing the coaching. That is the action. And in some ways, yes, absolutely. That can certainly be a starting point. But I think the ultimate, ultimate question is most people, when they're coming to me, when they're coming to any kind of emotional healing work is something is misaligned in my life.

Something is misaligned. Sometimes multiple somethings are misaligned and there is action we need to take externally and internally. To be able to create more alignment. And I think going and getting support in doing that is definitely a first step, but then like the support we're getting from those people or those modalities has to then be integrated into our actual life.

New piece or new clarity, and you start to get this little feeling of like, and now what do I need to do? Do you feel like that's kind of how, you know, maybe action is the right next step. So again, nuance here. My, there's always going to be, there's almost always going to be action we need to [00:07:00] take again, whether it's action with myself, like I need to change my habits.

I need to change my routines, my thought processes, or action with someone or something else in our life. I need to set a boundary. I need to limit the amount of time I'm around that person. I need to change careers, whatever some of those things might be. I'm always going to be. Trying to get us to take those steps as soon as possible.

Sure. Because ultimately that is what is going to be addressing some of the root cause of the turbulence we're experiencing. With that said, it's not about like running straight into the fire or necessarily jumping off the cliff, but. I do also, again, like this is where so much of that nuance comes in is at the same time, like, yeah, we don't want to white knuckle it and force ourself to do all these things.

And so if we're waiting for the day where it's like, Ooh, that conversation with my boss. If we're waiting for the day when you're like, no, I have no fear at all doing that. That might not necessarily be what we're looking for. It's kind of like, we do want to create some peace and confidence, and we also need to push the bounds of what feels safe and comfortable in order to show ourself that we can do that and make it through it.

That seems like a safer place to begin. For the most part, action, I always suggest that action, that internal action, the internal shifts and changes, because first of all, that we have 100 percent control over versus trying to shift dynamics with people in our lives, some of these things, first of all, we don't have full control over how they respond to our requests or our boundaries isn't in our control.

And also some of the other shifts we want to make might be things that can take a little bit of time. But those, those external shifts can be so scary and big and have really big implications, like ending a marriage, ending a relationship that's no longer aligned. And here's the reality. If you yourself and you are not.

You know, you have a home within yourself I think that's a brilliant call out because I think it's just so much easier to Just like kind of stick with it, right? Like I There's just a sense of me that, that knows if I'm not totally aligned with me, as you're saying, I might crumble. I might not be able to go through with it to the extent that I'm really hoping to make a change or hoping to make or nurture a shift with somebody else.

The inner self is almost going to be like, what the fuck are you, who are you to make a request of me? You've been ignoring me, neglecting me, ignoring my nudges. So again, I just think, is it? Is it impossible to make external changes without that relationship first with ourself? No, not necessarily. I do think we still can, but I think it's going to be so much more easier, so much less dysregulating and anxiety inducing if we have that strong relationship with ourself.

And am I really aligned today? Do I have what it takes? And not being quite sure and wanting to do a little bit more work. You know, there's just a constant, um, there's always more work to be done, right? So in my head, it's like, it's almost never a good time. I'm thinking right now, you know, I just don't think there will ever be a good time to take that leap.

Do you, do you run into that thought process? Yeah. I, so I am so guilty of this first of all, myself, because to your point, there will always be another layer we can pull back another insight from childhood we can obtain. Oh yeah. This thing happened that created this belief in me and that's why I do this.

If I just do a little bit more, then maybe I can secure the outcome that I'm secretly hoping for, but not admitting to myself. Yeah. I think it's one of those things where I have a pretty good touch on this when I'm in one on one work, but yeah, when it's like, I Truly, like within a few weeks, I think we should be starting to make some of these external things and they can, again, we start with the least aggressive, invasive things, right?

What is the first. step in reaching out to my boss. Like what is the smallest external thing I could do to start to make some shifts? Um, but yeah, I think it can be really, really easy to just get lost in the puzzling of it all, the analyzing of it all, and then not actually taking the action and the integration.

But I think what you're describing is something more like, you know, kind of dipping the toe in the water and saying like, can I start to maybe consider easing all the way in? Um, which I think is maybe not what we all are thinking. Our practitioner or therapist is telling us to do. We sit across from somebody or we do the work thinking, Oh, they're telling me I just need to rip the Band Aid off in a massive way or else it doesn't count towards progress.

And yet I always find myself catastrophizing like, I can't take this giant leap, even though no one's really asking us for that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, in, I don't know, in some ways maybe some people are, and so this is that little reminder of, it doesn't necessarily have to be the biggest thing, you know, the jump off the cliff kind of metaphor.

It would destroy me. Whatever the thing is, uh, no, no matter how big or small that I think really is, what is at the root of it. Why don't I want to bring up this conversation with my husband? Yeah, maybe it's because it'll lead to a fight and then it'll lead to this, but what at the root of it, does it all boil down to it's whatever I'm afraid it will lead to.

I don't feel confident in myself that I'll be able to face that and get through that. And so again, this is where I think it's a little bit of, I call it practice rounds. Like what is going to convince your brain that you actually can manage that, get through that, navigate some of those tricky things.

For sure. For sure. But that, I think, is where we're really using our discernment of, by the way, I'm rarely Making like prescriptive recommendations of here's exactly what you need to go home and do and change, particularly with external stuff, with internal stuff. I might be like, Hey, we really need to do some nervous system work every day.

Sometimes that's the first starting action is I think I might need to change this relationship. The implications are so huge. It would explode my family. Da da da da da. Yeah, of course. We're not, we're not saying just like dive into those decisions. Slightly. But what do you need to do if this relationship is causing you so much turmoil?

And while on the one hand, I want them to be able to go. In the moment, understanding what's happening, understanding this is not about me, we're changing the internal narratives when they're experiencing some of that verbal abuse, whatever some of the abuses, so their narratives are different, so they can have a whole different experience of it.

And at the same time, I'm like, I do think we really need to consider how often we're going to be around this person. Right. I don't necessarily want you to. Be like, oh, yeah, it doesn't bother me. So I can just be around them all day every day, right? Oh, yeah, and think that that's not going to impact us.

And a practitioner friend suggested that mold exposure might be the cause, and suggested I try a brand called MicroBalance Health. So I immediately jumped on their website, I purchased their Total Body Protect and Recover package, which includes products like their Sinus Defense, and their Naso Pure Nasal Wash.

I took all the supplements immediately as soon as they came, and I did the nasal rinse, and the relief was instant. Absolutely instantaneous. And I felt such a calmness come over my body. In addition to the pain relief from my headaches, from the pressure in my sinuses, I continue to use their products to this day, which is why I'm so thrilled to announce that Microbalance Health is now an official sponsor of the Accrescent podcast.

That's code ACRESCENT. A C C R E S C E N T for 15 percent off at checkout. Okay, so that kind of leads me to another question that has been brewing is, how often do you think the fear of others reactions in our lives is showing up as maybe a reason we don't take right action, or maybe aligned action for ourselves?

Oh, that makes so much sense. I don't know. That just really, you know, my totally sends that because I think sometimes we can say to each other like, well, who cares what they think? Who cares? And it's so easy and casual to just toss out, do it for you, do what's right for you. It doesn't matter. But that's not really how we're wired as, as human beings.

We're really wired to care very much about belonging. And so when an action you need to take is going to potentially disconnect you. Even if it's not necessarily people you love, but just people who've played a big part in your ecosystem, I think that can really hold you back from taking the next step.

And so again, it's kind of like we're always dialoguing and I want most of this to come from the client themself. What is a starting point here? A starting point could be. You know, I just, I go over less, I call them less, I pick up the phone less, but also to your point, even there is something that is being lost there, even if it's not totally, even if it's not really that nourishing or lifting of a connection, our spirit is still like, but it's connection, it's something.

You know, it's, it's funny. I like this like detox analogy of like when you're at the doctor, there's, there's basically two things they're trying to do. They're trying to help clear out. Bad, bad toxic stuff in your body and then add in more good nourishing stuff. And I think emotional work really is just the exact same thing where it's like, what is the turbulence press, um, past and present, but then also like, what is the emotional nourishment?

Perhaps you're not in the best head space to start making those nourishing connections, but maybe even in the here and now, I think before you start making some really drastic moves or what might appear or feel to be drastic moves at this point in your life, just being willing to say, okay, let's add in a few more of those really grounding, nourishing connections to others, or even just activities or practices for yourself that bring in more of that Earlier alignment, we're talking about alignment with self.

I'm sure your clients would feel the same. Yeah. Well, and also it's that fuel, it's that energy of. Ooh, I've got a, I've got a big shift to make. I've got a, a big decision, a big change and let me fuel myself up, not just like physically with nutrition and whatever, all the things, but emotionally let my, let me fuel myself up so I have more capacity to do that hard thing.

Yeah, I think that's an excellent note for sure. So often with these dynamics, though, I ask this question of what is it costing me? I ask this of my cancer patients a lot. I'm thinking specifically, actually, she wasn't a cancer patient, but I'm thinking specifically of a client from earlier this year who, narcissistic, Mom and sister, very, very toxic dynamics, as you can imagine.

And so here's how I phrased that for her. I'm like, great. We know the cost. How often are you willing to pay that? Because you are getting something like we're not, let's not, let's not take away from that. There is something you are getting out of those interactions, even if it's not like the fullest of the full, right?

Right. Like, that's how much I might be willing Like, actually quantify it, yeah. Like, yes, like that's how much I might be willing to Sure. Make that exchange. Mmm. Three times a week, multiple hours? No, no, no. No, that is costing us way too much. So what is the cost of this thing? Yeah, how often do I want to pay that price?

And are you coming with me? And is this baggage going to hold me almost like, you know, those wind? Um, Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just the parachute. Yeah. The parachute on runners. Totally. I see it that way for a lot of connections with us. And I think, you know, of course in that capacity is training us, right?

But at some point, some of these connections aren't training us. We've learned, we can learn the lesson and we can say, I'm ready to put that down. I'm ready to actually run the race because they don't run the race with those on. Yes. It was so good. Um, but yeah, I think that's an excellent note. I'm, I'm really just like buzzing with all of these because I feel so convicted myself, right?

Mm-Hmm. to even sit down and add it up. Yeah. Yeah. And in all the ways, what is it costing me, not just with time, but energy? Emotional capacity? Spiritual capacity? When I'm done, what is like the fallout, right? If it's like, yeah, I spend X number of hours. Three hours, three times a week with them. It's miserable.

What are those first things to go now that I can give cancer as a reason? What are those things you're not doing anymore? Yeah. Oh, you know, I can't do that because I've got doctor appointments today, or like, what are those first things that you're cutting immediately that now no one, no one is questioning because you have cancer?

Sure. It makes it very, very clear, like, yeah, All the things that right now you think you don't have the capacity for, just because you have cancer, probably were things you didn't have capacity before. Right. But now, like, your subconscious feels like it actually has a good enough reason to not do that.

What would you say to people who say, well, I, I don't want to make that choice because if I set a boundary with my brother, for example, it will hurt my mom and she's innocent in this. Or if I set a boundary here for myself with my partner, it will hurt my kids. And they're innocent in this. How do you feel?

Like what's kind of the path forward? Yeah Well, if I could say what's happening there briefly what's happening there is we're choosing to protect others over ourself Um, which I think so many of us are doing ultimately when it comes down to it Who am I going to protect? And many of us default to the other and is that so wrong?

Yeah. Even if that ruffles some feathers, even if that is hurtful to others, of course, you know, that's something I would say, Hey, how can we, what are some conversations we can workshop with some of those other people to try and mitigate that? Mitigate maybe the fallout with some of the other people in the circle I think there's a lot of work we can do around there again Like what is within my power there is so much within our power.

Of course, again, can we have conversations with them to try and support that? Sure. But again, like. What is that going to cost you? Yeah. What is that going to cost you to not set the boundary? Um, yeah. Do you believe in the phrase that what's good for you will be good for other people? This is like my favorite Kelly phrase that I really, I really do believe in.

And I say, I say like a similar thing, which is what is most loving for yourself is probably what is most loving for others. Yeah. You know, so often the dynamics we're keeping ourselves in feels like, Oh, it's, you know, I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't want to upset them, but what are, what's happening there?

Like, oh, I'm, I'm, I know what's best for them. A, somehow I know that. Um, maybe if you're a person who's done a lot of the work, the emotional work, as we're talking about, you might feel like, Oh, well, I've done all of this. My parents don't know what's right for them. I, but I do, I can see what's going on here.

I understand the dynamics, you know, a lot, right? And so it's tempting to want to step in and say, well, this is how things should be. And I see the. the path forward and then you start to almost unknowingly sometimes move the chess pieces around the board and that is not loving, not allowing other people to make their choices and let the consequences kind of fall where they may.

And, and I was telling her like his pattern from what she has described is he will be. incredibly verbally abusive, demeaning, putting, putting people down, controlling. And then when those people like indefinitely back off and he's, he's so sad and shocked that they want to, you know, create some space, she would jump in to soothe.

He feels bad about it. You swoop in as like the uplifter. I gave her this analogy of like the little ball of hurt. He has this little ball of hurt because of all the, you know, Damage he's caused. You're coming in and going, Oh, here, let me take that. Let me take that. Let me carry that for you. And it's like, he's, he's got to learn to sit with that ball of hurt.

And this is, you know, this specific example is getting into so many childhood dynamics, which is like, of course, a child in that situation is going to want to try and sue their parent who can't sue themselves. There's a lot of like survival dynamics in there. And that makes perfect sense. Right? Like we're all, I mean, if you're Almost.

And I do think that this is the point where most of us end up having a little false start a little like I'm, I'm trying, but I can't seem to quite get the energy. Let me just schedule one more round of therapy and just, you know, and I think that's really common. Do you. I don't know. Do you have any like tips or tricks that you you feel like help get yourself even over the the fear?

And so it's not as easy to just jump outside, put my feet on the earth and ground. And so it's really important for me to be able to ground even while I am in my home. The reason I decided to go with a grounding blanket in particular is it's so flexible with how you use it. And I love this because I can have the grounding blanket in my bed, but then I can also unplug it.

I just think the more that we can be allowing our body to discharge those ions that are accumulating throughout the day, the more in harmony we're going to be, the more energetic balance we're going to have, and it has definitely been a staple product for me. So check the link in the show notes to learn more about Hygge and their grounding blanket.

Something I love to do, it's a visual meditation. I actually have a meditation I made on this inside the Soothing Sanctuary. It's like connect with your future self meditation. And if you could connect with your future self and imagine they have the whole life that you're wanting to create. And it's two things.

So let's fast forward 20 years. In 20 years, if nothing changes, what is your future self gonna look back right at this moment and go, I really wish I really wish I could have just done that thing or made that change. Ooh. And sometimes like the visual of that really hits home and also makes it very, very clear.

Like, here's the thing we need to change. Again, I do, I do really want to encourage people having a therapist, having a coach and accountability partner, a really good reciprocal aligned friendship. Those can be so helpful in giving you a bit of a foundation to go and make some of these external changes.

But I think what you're talking about, kind of projecting into the future and seeing what could happen if you stayed on this path is so impactful. I mean, I know that. I think that human nature is kind of like we're, we're interested in our positive, hopeful, like best selves, but we are terrified by the worst case scenario and we dwell a lot in that space.

Wow. I feel like that would just be Such a gut punch in the best possible way, right? To say there really is no other path, right? Like I would have to fully put my head in the sand. I would fully have to say, I am denying what I know is true and right. And a line for me, I've done all this work. I've probably paid a lot of money to, to come to these conclusions and I'm going to actively turn away from it.

And I think as a great tool for just. Maybe getting up the gumption. Yeah, yeah. And like even make it a little more specific. A year from now. Oh, I love that. A year from now looking back. Today, what will future you a year from now be so grateful you did? This for me is like really impactful. It gives me a lot of clarity of like, Oh yeah, I'm gonna, God, I'm going to be so grateful.

I'm sure we could all say that, too. We could all look back on a year or a couple decisions in our [00:45:00] lives where we said, I'm so grateful I did that. And in fact, being able to say that means you came out on the other side. of that hard, hard thing that felt so impossible. Um, so, not to sound like, you know, rah rah, you can do it, but I think there is, uh, a measure of like a reality check there, which is every time you've looked back and thanked yourself for making a hard choice or going in a certain direction.

you've come out all the better for it and you are indeed on the path that you were hoping to be on, if you can say that. So, um, better to jump, jump on. Yeah. At any point, you know, that you can kind of get back to the alignment that you've been searching for and obviously doing the work for. Yeah, the analogy that's just coming up for me is like, let's say you're a sculptor and you're, you're drawing out plans for this beautiful sculpture that you're going to start carving and you're drawing and you're drawing and you're editing and you're refining like at some point.

We have to know what is it I'm trying to build? What is it I'm trying to sculpt? At some point, we do have to take it from paper to, to action, to our hands, to actually start to build and create that sculpture. And we all have that, right? I think even the most action oriented people I know still have one or two areas where they're like, but I can't take action here.

It's so obvious what you need to do. And, and it can seem so obvious. You know, to the people around you, but when you're in it, it's so not obvious. So any thoughts on that? Yeah. Well, kind of what you were saying earlier, sometimes I become the chess master of my, my circle, my family, my friends. I think it's wonderful to be able to speak insight into a loved one's life.

Ultimately, I really do believe most of the time, they need to be the ones that actually put their hand on the chess piece and move it. We can't be moving it for them, because that's still enabling. It's still enabling them to, you're going to be moving the chess pieces for them forever. Sure. Even though it feels like, and I know because I have been there, it feels like if I just move this one more piece for them, they'll be able to get it.

For the people in my life of, okay, you need to do this. You need to change these habits and eat these things and see these doctors and listen to these books and read whatever, all these things. And there was, the visual that came up in my mind was like, I was the, um, I don't even know what they're called, like the dogs that carry the sleighs.

If all I have to worry about is getting myself forward, well, that feels easy compared to what I was doing before, but there can also be an immense amount of grief that comes with that. Because the reality is if I stop towing you, I have to make peace with the fact that you might never take another step forward.

That's so hard. It's so, so hard. Yeah. When you love other people, that is, I think, one of the hardest cords you will ever cut. Yep. Because, of course, we want the people in our life to be filled with joy and peace and alignment. And to see them not, you know. Having that knowing there's things they could do to get there.

They're docked in a harbor, their ship's docked in a harbor, my ship's going to set sail, I can come back to the harbor. If they're stagnant, they're still going to be here. Yeah. There's no reason I can't come back to this harbor every now and then, but to maintain connection and relationship, I can't just stay in the harbor forever and never sail anywhere.

The seeing you less, the you're not going to see the sights of the world with me. You will not know what I know. You won't somehow get to see the fullness of what it means to fully sail your ship. And that's, I think, such a loss. But to your point, yes, I think so important that regardless, we do the work to be able to set sail fully for ourselves.

A beautiful metaphor. I love that. And, you know, at the same time, like always bringing the balance to it. I, it's not to say. That we just need to be like completely hands off with everyone in our lives. We never do anything for other people. I could, I could see how maybe that could be an interpretation of that.

I do think there's a world in which we can say, Hey, like, really, they should be doing this for themselves. Right. They're not, I know they're not going to, but if it costs me an hour a week to do this thing for them so that they have a better, whatever, quality of life, we have better dynamics. And I, I'm fine, I'm fine paying that cost once a week.

But if it's like, hey, You know, it's an hour a week, it's an hour, twice a month. I go over there, do a couple of things for them. Maybe it's, I make their doctor's appointments for them. And if that to you feels like, you know what, this is well within my capacity. It's not having any negative effects on my life.

Great. Do it. Keep doing it. Yeah. And I think that's also a really. Um, important call out because I think a lot of the chatter you see on socials these days is around setting really firm boundaries. I mean, very black and white, cut people out of your life. They don't deserve one ounce of your time or energy.

So, uh, I think a really important note for all of us and something I want to think on for myself is just about how to make sure that I'm balancing out my needs. Okay? And what I have a capacity for with maintaining connections with people who maybe, maybe don't have the energy, the know how or the self awareness to kind of not be super stagnant or, or pull themselves forward in certain ways that I think are important.

But yeah, I, I think that's a beautiful note, um, and allows us to maintain connections with people that we care about. For example, our family, that's, that's an important one. Mm hmm. Yeah. I, I, I think for the most part, it's rarely all or nothing. And, and if we are looking to only allow people into our lives who are 100 percent aligned with us, I just think that circle is going to be so, so small.

Um, and so sometimes I will find myself being like, Oh, well, you know, that person I can tell is duh, duh, duh. I don't know if, I don't know how close I want to get to them. And I do have to sometimes pull myself back and go, yeah, they are duh, duh, duh. Yep. Um, and also like, that's not something that is going to impact me or bring me down.

I, um, can be a little, Like, I don't know. Yeah. Critical with things I do or don't do and sometimes I've over indexed on that and missed out on a lot and So grateful that those people didn't just cut me out of their life because they they could have said oh Leanne She's so picky. She's so whatever. Yeah Um, so I'm also grateful for the people in my life who hold nuance.

Yeah, so true. And I think to that point, um, people hold that space for us. What a reminder that we don't necessarily connect with others or love them because of any sense of deserving, right? I think. Sometimes it is simply because, you know, there's something about that person that you do see you like, we see the inherent worthiness of each other.

And again, I think you would always call out nothing abusive, nothing that truly crosses a deep, deep value that feels really misaligned, but I think we can all kind of suss that out for ourselves. But on the flip side, there can be a lot learned and gained from those connections. Yeah, I think the takeaway we were going to share some of this, maybe we'll save it for another time just cause we're running out of time, but I think it'd take a great reflection is just what, what are some of those action items?

Maybe it is some bigger external action, like I need to have a certain conversation or set a certain boundary or whatever. I feel like we need to do an episode on boundaries because I also feel like that word is so overused that it's like, what does that even mean anymore, setting a boundary? We need to do an episode on all the buzzwords, all of them, and maybe find, like, another synonym.

Right, right. Like, let's start using different words. Yes. But what, what might be the smallest? action you could start to take to integrate some of the things that you've been learning, puzzling out, et cetera. I'm totally open to thinking about maybe doing that at some point. A lot of vagueness, totally open to maybe thinking about maybe doing that.

Wow. Beautiful.