Edwith sends Jack and Jose to deal with a potential dead body in an apartment.

JACK OF ALL TRADES is a Faustian Nonsense Original. Check it out and read the full scripts under "transcript" at faustiannonsense.com/jack-of-all-trades , and subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/faustiannonsense .

Cast:

Jaci Szilagyi as Jack Withers

Amelia Kinch as Edwith Knight

Joe Cruz as Jose Perez

Episode 3: Karen Dies in the Beginning

INTRO

JACK

Hi! I’m Jack. Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.

JOSE

You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?

JACK

It’s my story. Our story.

Thanks for listening to...Jack of All Trades.

JOSE

Is that seriously what we’re calling it--?

[Cut to intro music.]

SCENE ONE

[Keystone booting up. Door closes, Jose yawns.]

JOSE

Hey, Jenny! You’re still here. You’re good at this, y’know that? I barely even have a headache today. Oh balls, is the elevator out of order--?

JACK

Shhh! Ah, damn, it's recording now.

[Beat]

And it's Jack.

JOSE

Yeah, it does that.

JACK

I hoped we could--I don't know, have a private conversation for a change.

JOSE

That's the spirit, keep hoping!

JACK

Can we just take it off and leave it somewhere? No, now it'll have a record that we're having a secret conversation, so they'll just assume the worst...Screw it.

[Breath]

Jose...I've been wondering, is every assignment we go on gonna be like the last few? Are there no actual repairs to do in Seattle?

JOSE

Sure there are. Living idiots are just as hard on their things as the dead ones.

JACK

Ok, but we've had two ghosts in a row. That's not...normal for repair work.

JOSE

You tell me, senior respondent with all that experience.

JACK

I mean, yeah, lots of experience. Tons. But--

JOSE

You'll figure it out. Or not.

JACK

But, ok, Ed doesn't know, right?

[Pause]

Ed? Our boss? Queen of the sexy-but-proper pencil skirt?

How does she not know if all--half--so many of our assignments are literal hauntings?

JOSE

Does it matter?

JACK

[Talking fast]

We're being attacked! That first one telekinesis'd furniture at me, and you're...clearly seeing some side effects, and there's no way this is safe for the people living and working on our properties. Ed needs to know!

If she knew she would help. She wants us to be able to do our jobs. She wouldn't let anything happen to us, not if she knew the truth.

JOSE

Help how?

JACK

I don't know! But we have to tell her.

JOSE

Would you believe us?

JACK

I don't know, maybe?

JOSE

You have to be there to get what's going on.

JACK

Yeah...witness it directly.

Do you think hearing it would be enough? At least to start?

JOSE

[Sigh]

You want to use the Keystones.

JACK

Well, yeah. So far we've had some screaming and me freaking out, but nothing exactly proving--

JOSE

Sure, I'm in.

JACK

You. You are? Just--

JOSE

Yeah, whatever, what else have I got going on.

JACK

Ok. Great.

[Beat]

Will you remember this?

JOSE

Remember what?

JACK

[Sigh]

Right. Let's just go see what's on the roster today.

[Keystone shutting down.]

SCENE TWO

[Keystone booting up. Elevator dings, doors open, doors close.]

EDWITH

Ah, excellent, you're both here.

Good morning, Jack.

Mr. Perez.

JACK

Morning, Ed! How are you?

EDWITH

I’m well, thank you for asking! It was a long night, but my morning has suddenly gotten a lot better. Although...I'm afraid your assignment for today will have rather the opposite impact.

JOSE

Why, are you coming with us?

JACK

Jose!

Why, what is it?

EDWITH

No, I will not be joining you. It's possible we...what's the term they use in those television programs? 'Caught a body.'

JOSE

So send in a cleaning crew.

JACK

A dead body?

EDWITH

Yes, I'm afraid that may be the case. Several residents have reported a foul smell from one apartment in particular, growing worse over the last few days. Here's the detailed report of the complaints.

[Papers handed over.]

JACK

Hey, maybe someone's composting!

[EDWITH laughs.]

It doesn't have to be a death. You said yourself that these buildings have quirks!

JOSE

Just keep telling yourself that, Jared.

JACK

Shouldn't we call the police?

EDWITH

No, let us hope that won’t be necessary. For now, simply investigate. Find out what's causing the smell, and call whatever authorities you deem necessary.

[Pause]

Surely you have...? This is not the first time someone with your stated experience would have dealt with a death on the premises, is it?

JACK

Well, no, of course...not. But I. Well, usually I would call someone.

EDWITH

Yes, it's likely you will need to call the medical examiner's office first, then a cleaning crew. I would ask, however, that you make an effort to keep the situation quiet. The surviving residents will be better off not knowing what happened.

JOSE

They always are.

JACK

But shouldn't they... I mean, what if they died of something dangerous? Shouldn't people know if they're not safe?

JOSE

[Laughs]

They're not.

[JACK makes a worried noise]

Everybody dies of something. Did you not get that memo?

EDWITH

At the moment we don’t know if anyone’s died--never mind what they may have died from, so let's leave any issues of the cause of death to the M.E., Jack. I'm sure they will make a determination about whether anyone else needs to be notified. They should also be able to contact the next of kin.

JACK

Right. Ok. So we just, check it out. Maybe we're wrong, maybe no one is dead and they just left town and forgot to put some food away.

JOSE

[Pats JACK on the back]

Keep hope alive, sport!

EDWITH

That’s correct. Don’t forget to stop by afterwards to deliver a report on what you found. With on-site deaths, insurance can be a bit...tetchy.

[Edwith goes back into her office, door closing. JACK and JOSE start walking, get on the elevator.]

JACK

What do you think the odds are this person will stay dead?

JOSE

[Chuckles]

I don't wager when I'm on the clock.

[Keystone shutting down.]

SCENE THREE

[Keystone booting up. JACK and JOSE are walking down the hall together.]

JACK

Oh ugh I can already smell it from out here, no wonder the neighbors are complaining.

Uh, Jose? Do you think we'll have to deal with, like, bugs? If it's been a couple of days--

JOSE

[Sniffs]

Hmm, maybe. Flies, probably, and some of their creepy-crawly babies. Doesn't smell like we're in beetle territory yet, though.

JACK

Oh, great. Maggots

[Gags]

But hey, no beetles, nothing skittery...change the subject…

So, uh. You think you'll get possessed again?

JOSE

You're full of questions today, Jim.

JACK

I'd stop asking so much if you answered some of them. So? Do you?

JOSE

Probably.

JACK

How does that...work? Do you do it on purpose?

JOSE

Sometimes. I think. It's hard to tell, when you get possessed once it's like the door opens more easily.

JACK

That must. Really suck.

JOSE

We've been over this. Headaches are a bitch and a half.

JACK

So how do you get through it? Get rid of them? Do you normally partner with an exorcist?

JOSE

Is that what you think you've been doing?

JACK

Well no, but--

JOSE

Exorcism is some ugly shit. Way different than talk therapy and severences. Let's just deal with this body.

[Click or beep or whatever of keystone unlocking apt door, then them opening it.]

JACK

Hello? Is anyone home?

JOSE

No one's alive in here, Jonah. They wouldn't be able to stand the smell.

JACK

Jack. And it doesn't hurt to check. Hey, wait up!

[Sharp inhale, then immediately regretful gagging]

Oh god. So that's what it looks like.

JOSE

Not too bad, actually. It must have been recent.

[Gets POSSESSED]

JACK

It’s not too bad? What, doesn't smell enough? It's pretty bad.

[Pause to look]

I don't see any bugs, though. Would they be obvious? Could they be, like... Inside or something?

[Sigh]

Ok, I guess we call the Medical Examiner now, right? I'll look up the number. You can maybe. Try to see how she died. I know Ed said that's not our job, but. I want to do more than just clean up the place.

Well. I'll just be over...away from the body, and call the professionals. Not that we're not professionals! But we're not, for bodies. Um. Anyway.

[JACK walks into another room and mutters to herself as she searches on her phone.]

Medical examiner...is it by city? County?

Ah, got it. Ok, number... is there a number for reporting--

Oh, hey Jose. Did you find someth--

[JOSE starts strangling JACK.]

JACK

[Choked]

Jose, what are you--

KAREN

Get out of my house. It’s your fault.

JACK

Oh, crap.

[Sounds of struggle]

Jose, can you hear me? Stop!

Please!

[Sound of solid punch, Karen grunts like she's more startled than hurt, Jack's out of breath as she jumps out of reach.]

Sorry Jose, I had to! Yow, that hurt more than I thought. You got a strong jaw there, Jose, tough on the knuckles...

KAREN

This is my home, how dare you come in here. You’re the one, you disconnected my phone, they could have called...

JACK

You must be Karen. Look, I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you this but...you're sort of, well, dead.

KAREN

And whose fault is that?

JACK

I don't...know? I just got here.

KAREN

Four days. Four days and no one--

Not one person came, not one person called, not until you and your friend here, here to clean me up, hand over my home to someone else...

JACK

Oh god, no, I just. I'm sorry, I am! But it's not my fault that you died!

KAREN

Let's see how you like it.

JACK

Ah shit.

[JACK runs, breathing hard and slamming through a door, shutting it behind her. Karen slams into it from the other side.]

Great, world's flimsiest looking deadbolt, like that's gonna hold. Damn that thing is strong. Or Jose is...

[Moving away from the door to the apartment]

Salt, I guess? I need to find out more about this shit. There's gotta be a supply closet here...

[Runs down the hallway, stopping or slowing every few seconds as she looks around.]

Yes!

[Sound of door opening.]

Ok, what do we have...cleaning supplies, great, lots of unpronounceable chemicals... Ooh, sidewalk salt!

[Scrape of picking up bucket.]

Crap, that's awfully light.

[Opens lid.]

Damn, that doesn't look like enough. Well, better than nothing. Anything else here that can help?

Hey Ed! You said something about the last respondent using chemicals, right? Does that mean they can be handy for ghosts? Maybe?

[Hollow plastic sounds like picking up and shaking empty jugs.]

Empty. Damn. How many of these are empty? And who puts back an empty jug of cleaning solution?

[Sigh]

Make do with salt, I guess. And...she's gotta be attached to something, right? The body maybe?

[She runs back to the apartment, where we hear Karen slamming against the door repeatedly. JACK takes a deep breath]

Ok, we've done this twice now. We got this.

[Keystone unlocks the door. The thudding stops. The door creaks open but it's otherwise quiet.]

Why is that so much creepier than the banging... Karen? It's Jack, I'm here to help, I swear.

[Beat]

Karen? Oh shit!

[Sounds of struggle. Hollow thud as Jack hits Jose/Karen with the plastic salt bucket.]

Hope you're ready Jose, salt incoming!

[Pops the lid off, then we hear the salt pouring quickly out of the bucket as she dumps it on Jose. Jose/Karen shrieks, then Jose manages to talk, tense from fighting for control.]

JOSE

You need to...burn. Whatever she's...ugh, she's got a hell of a grip...whatever she's attached to. Salt's not enough, I need you to help me get rid of her.

JACK

Shit, ok, I can do that. I can do that. Right? Find what she's attached to. How do I do that?

[Jose growls and then Karen is back.]

KAREN

What did you do!

JACK

Heeeey, Karen, welcome back...What, uh. What do you think you're attached to?

KAREN

It's your fault!

JACK

Ok, silly question. Umm, what's my fault?

KAREN

83 days since anyone called, and it was a telemarketer. I just sit here waiting, it never rings, my own children don't even call when I'm dead...

JACK

And that's...my fault?

You think I disconnected your phone. Why would I...

[Karen grunts as she lunges for Jack, Jack scrambles away.]

Ok, your phone then. Let's try the phone.

(louder)

Karen, I'm actually here to fix your phone. Where is it? Is it...

In your pocket?

(to herself)

No, you look like a landline kinda lady, don't you. Plus, like, 'disconnected'...Where do people put landlines? Ah, got it!

[Sound of running, then a snap of pulling the cord from the wall and the plastic-on-plastic of grabbing the phone with both hands. More running, door shuts between Jack and Karen.]

Please be a candles-in-the-bathroom person, Karen.

[Searches through medicine cabinet]

Yes! Matches. And, ugh, plastic's not gonna burn without help is it. What's flammable...

[Clattering of pulling bottles of things out of the medicine cabinet, slamming cupboard open]

Hairspray! Should do it.

[Drops phone in sink. Strikes match, sprays hairspray through it with a whoosh.]

Come on, come on, burn...

[Karen screams from somewhere outside the bathroom. The whoosh of JACK spraying again.]

Oh god, I'm sorry, I don't wanna do it this way. But you keep trying to kill me! And you're not great for Jose, either!

[A few more seconds of burning and screaming, then the screaming stops abruptly.]

Jose?

JOSE

Fuck that hurt!

JACK

Oh thank god.

[Sound of fire crackling]

Of course NOW you catch on fire.

[Turns on sink. Smoke alarm goes off.]

JOSE

Ha ha. Ed's gonna kill you.

SCENE FOUR

[Keystone activates, elevator noises. Door closes behind JACK and JOSE. Sounds of EDWITH standing up, heels clicking on tile.]

JACK

Hi, Ed.

EDWITH

Go ahead and sit down, both of you.

JOSE

Yikes. Bad sign.

JACK

Sh!

EDWITH

I just received a rather alarming call from one of our tenants, and I am hoping to hear an explanation of what might have caused it.

JACK

Yeah--Yep. That makes sense.

EDWITH

The better I understand what’s happened, the better I am able to protect you both. As always, I value honesty.

JOSE

I’m pretty sure cops say that to folks in interrogation, too.

JACK

What did the tenant say, exactly?

EDWITH

First, they complained of the smell, but that was something we already knew about. The reports of heavy footsteps, running, furniture crashing, and screaming, however, were not something to be expected of a potential body removal case.

JACK

I--I can explain, I think--

EDWITH

Nor the sounds of a domestic dispute, unreliable electrical connections in surrounding units--

JOSE

[Struggling not to laugh]

EDWITH

--the fire alarm going off, and the building being evacuated just in time to see uniformed men carrying a covered body on a stretcher towards the back of a van labelled as being from the coroner's office.

JACK

Oh god.

EDWITH

Mmhm. I’m trying my best to understand what happened here, but I admit, I’m struggling to form a clear mental image. Would either of you care to explain?

JACK

See...The thing is..Uh... Well, Ed, there’s uh. Okay, this is going to be hard to believe, but--

JOSE

[Interrupting quickly]

We were messing around while we were waiting for the ME and things got carried away. Sorry boss.

EDWITH

Jack? Is this true?

JACK

I... yeah. Yes. It’s true.

EDWITH

That’s very disappointing.

[She sighs.]

I hope you understand that your primary task tomorrow will be to fix the damage from today. We need an event like this to be smoothed over before a local news channel decides to make a spectacle of the property with an easy story. I know that you would both normally have tomorrow off, but this is rather time sensitive in nature. You will of course be paid over-time, but this is not a chore that can be avoided or given low priority. Do you both understand?

JACK

Yes, ma’am.

JOSE

Yup. Got it.

EDWITH

Good. I am disappointed in you both. Jack, I had hoped for better. Please, try to make this a singular incident.

JACK

I’m sorry, Ed.

EDWITH

I know. I expect you to deliver a report on how you’ve rectified these concerns at the end of the day tomorrow. Make sure this doesn’t happen again. You’re both dismissed.

[She gets up and walks back to her office, heels clicking and the door shutting behind her.]

JOSE

Could I catch a ride?

JACK

Yeah, of course.

[JACK and JOSE start to walk away.]

Uh, about that...don’t mind my car. It’s a bit of a disaster.

[They get on the elevator.]

Hey, Jose?

JOSE

Hmm.

JACK

Were you able to keep the keystone on you the whole time?

JOSE

Yeah. Probably got some good stuff. Old lady was a talker.

JACK

Ok, good. Not a total disaster then.

[Keystone shutting down.]