May is Foster Care Awareness Month, and in this episode we wanted to do something different.

Instead of only sharing our own thoughts, we asked foster parents what they wish everyone else understood about foster care. Their responses were honest, vulnerable, challenging, and deeply insightful.

We talked about comments foster families hear all the time:

• “I could never do foster care because I’d get too attached.”
• “They’re lucky to have you.”
• “You knew what you were signing up for.”

Most people who say these things mean well. We know that. But this episode is an invitation to see foster care from the inside and understand the realities many families live every day.

We discuss:

• why foster parents do become deeply attached
• why attachment is actually healthy and necessary
• trauma and why it changes parenting
• misconceptions around adoption and healing
• biological parents and compassion
• reunification and complicated grief
• how foster care impacts biological children too
• why foster parents need support more than praise
• practical ways anyone can help foster families

We also share stories from our own journey and highlight people in our community who have stepped in and made an incredible difference for our family.

Our hope is simple:

• More understanding.
• More compassion.
• More support.
• Because you do not have to foster to make a difference.

Support The Podcast

https://dream-small-podcast.captivate.fm/support

Speaking Requests

If your church, conference, or organization would like Jason and Whitney to speak about foster care, adoption, faith, leadership, or living a meaningful life through small acts of faithfulness, you can contact them at: dreamsmallpodcast@gmail.com

Join our weekly devotional newsletter here:

https://captivate.us4.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=c75f5dfcf9d690c6c9f256d22&id=d17b98130b

Follow & Contact

Email: dreamsmallpodcast@gmail.com

Instagram: @dreamsmallpodcast

Facebook: Dream Small Podcast

Twitter/X: @DreamSmallShow

Music Credit

"Paradise Found" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons.

Yes, it hurts when they leave.

Yes, we do become too attached.

Healthy attachment is so important for these children.

Sometimes saying things like, I could never do that because I would get too attached can be hurtful to those that are and put their whole heart and soul into these children.

It dismisses the fact that we do indeed become so attached and care deeply.

Welcome to Dream Small, where we believe God does big things through the small and everyday faithfulness of his people.

I'm Jason.

And I'm Whitney.

We're a family of eight whose lives fostered, adopted, and stumbled our way through learning that small, everyday choices can change lives.

In a world that tells you to chase big, we dare you to dream small.

Because you know what?

It's not about chasing fame.

It's about choosing faithfulness.

Welcome back, you guys, to another episode of the Dream Small podcast.

And we are just trucking right along through Foster Care Awareness Month this May.

Aren't we, Jason?

We are.

Yeah.

And this week, what are we bringing to everybody?

We're gonna go over what foster parents wish everybody else understood.

And we were fortunate this week.

We actually got some feedback from followers listeners, and we're excited.

We're gonna start with their stories, and then if there's time or we don't cover some of ours, then we'll cover ours.

Yeah, I'm kind of excited.

We're gonna be bringing a lot of perspectives from a variety of people.

So you're not only stuck hearing what we have to say today, we're actually relaying thoughts from other people.

Well, it is what we're saying, but it's.

Other foster parents are using our voice,.

And a lot of this aligns with what we would actually say anyway, so there's that.

How's your week been?

It's been a week, man.

This recovery is not linear.

If we ever pretend like everything is rainbows and butterflies in this house, this is your week to listen.

I am exhausted.

I am tired.

I am weary.

Yeah, but we're chugging through it.

Jason is a hero.

I'm sure you hear the weariness in his voice.

But, man, we have had sick babies upon babies upon babies, and.

And my wife still can't keep the same distance from her microphone when she talks.

Ha ha ha.

That's fun for me.

No one cares about that.

I do.

Cause I have to constantly adjust your mic volume.

So what I was saying before was, kindly, not rudely.

We have had a lot of sick children in this house.

And what do sick children want when they're sick?

They want mommy, and mommy is not available to take care of them.

I haven't really wanted you.

Yeah, they did.

They've been good with me.

Well, my mama heart wanted them, so.

It was hard.

It was hard on me.

It was very hard on Jason.

It was a rough.

It was just a hard week.

And I'm praying every.

And we've had help, but it's still, like, still hard.

It just still eats at you.

Right.

And I think we're getting through the sea of snot and fevers.

Yeah.

While recovering from surgery where I shouldn't be doing nearly as much as what I'm doing.

But I felt like I needed to because.

So if you listen to this episode, will you guys kindly message Whitney and tell her to sit down and be quiet and not ease her hip?

What are you grateful for?

I'm grateful for you.

Holy cow.

This week, like, I don't think I've said thank you enough.

And I feel like I actually did say it a lot, but.

But I feel like you've been incredible.

I feel like you have expressed gratitude a lot.

Well, good.

Cause I've tried to and I've tried very much not to ask you.

I don't feel underappreciated by you.

Good.

I'm glad to hear that.

I'm grateful for kids.

I'm grateful for kids that anytime you ask them to do something, they just don't do it and they argue right away.

That feels sarcastic.

It's very sarcastic.

But there is one who actually heard you say that and patted his chest proudly.

I am actually.

What I was going to say.

What I'm grateful for is my 10 year old who has taken over lawn mowing duties in his.

Really well with it.

That has been such a blessing and a weight lifted off.

It's awesome.

He helps us out tremendously and he earns money.

It's a win win.

Like, we're happy to give him money for doing it.

Thanks, dude, for mowing the lawn and doing a good job.

And really, there's no time you would be able to mow.

Unless.

No.

Like, even the.

Because even when the toddlers go to bed, the baby's still awake and I can't help with any of them and I can't mow.

And I would tell encourage you dads in particular, if your kids are willing and able to mow, let them mow.

Even if they don't make perfectly straight lines and the grass isn't perfect.

So what?

Let them learn as they get their confidence.

I mean, he's 10 and he's mowing the yard.

That's pretty good.

And I can tell you I have intentionally not been overly critical of.

Yeah, he's missed spots here and there, but so do I when I mow, right?

So do you when you mow.

Not me, man.

I do it so well.

I bet you believe that.

But so to other parents, if your kids are willing to do that work, pay them for a.

So they learn that work equals money.

And don't be overly critical of their work.

Let them learn, Let them ramp up to doing.

Reinforce, teach, keep reinforcing, teach.

Right?

It's a cycle.

But yeah, it's a cycle.

Everything is a cycle, isn't it?

Before we dig in, we're gonna ask you guys again.

If you're listening, share this.

Like the podcast, wherever you listen to it.

Or I guess you don't like podcasts.

What do you do?

You follow podcasts?

Leave us a review.

Picked up another review on Apple Podcast last week.

Thanks, Jen.

But yeah, leave us a review.

Leave us a.

Follow us and share it.

I'm learning these podcast algorithms and that really helps.

Yeah.

So, you know, this month there's a lot of talk about foster care, Foster Care Awareness Month.

And anyone who's become a foster parent and stepped into that world had a preconceived idea of what fostering looks like,.

And it was wrong.

And every one of us has come to terms with realizing we had no idea.

Right.

Even if you attend the trainings and read the books, it is just impossible to fully comprehend the scope that is foster care and that.

I mean, even as foster parents going on a decade, there's still stuff that we don't comprehend.

Right.

Like, it's just.

Yeah.

So we've talked about misconceptions before, but we're kind of more focusing in on what we wish everybody else understood.

Not as a form of critique, but kind of like, hey, you really don't understand it until you're on the inside.

So that's what we're doing today.

Just to give the non fosters out there a perspective into what foster parents go through.

And.

And honestly, newer foster parents, like, buckle up.

This is a lot for you, too.

And even, like, some of this is stuff like I was like, wow, that's a really good perspective.

We had a lot of good feedback.

And also for the foster parents, I would challenge you.

We're going to try to maybe figure out ways to gently correct non fosters when they say something crazy, they don't mean to say something crazy.

Please, Jason, tell me how you'll gently.

Correct someone they have well intended.

Well, like, just how to work through it.

Right.

When somebody says all gentle correction, for example, all them kids yours, like, how should you respond to that?

Yes.

Yes, they are right.

I mean, some people don't.

Anyway.

All right, we're moving in.

Good.

Whitney, I'm still back on your gentle correction.

Like, I really want to witness this.

I.

You act like I'm, like, this bully.

I am not.

Go ahead.

People that don't know you think you're scary.

Well, people.

Whenever I go somewhere to work, right away, people think I'm scary.

He is rbf.

It's fantastic.

I would always much rather start from a place where people are intimidated by me.

Okay, so these are in no particular order, except just based off of how I copy and pasted the responses.

So what polled foster parents wish you knew about foster care?

Here we go.

Ready?

Drumroll, please.

That biological parenting, including biological parenting with special needs children, is vastly different than parenting through trauma.

Do you want to expand on that a little bit, Jason?

It wasn't your words, but no.

Okay.

This is more your lane.

Yeah.

I mean, we have touched multiple times.

And if you've been exposed to the world of foster care, you are aware that trauma comes in all shapes, sizes, and packages, and every child who is in the foster system has been exposed to trauma and parenting.

That absolutely looks different than parenting your own children or parenting children with special needs.

Trauma and special needs, both are extremely challenging.

Different, unique challenges.

Completely different in how you attack them, how you overcome them.

Yes.

And, I mean, special needs is a very broad term as well.

Correct.

So is trauma.

Yeah, so is trauma.

Absolutely.

So you have to realize, you know, parenting, what do we have, three or four kids with special needs.

All of them have to be parented differently.

Also, not all of them have trauma history.

The majority of them have different levels of trauma history, though, on top of special needs.

So just being aware that definitely not all children can or should be parented the same.

If you're trying to parent every child the same, I would really recommend you consider other options, because if I had to guess, you're probably wishing more times than not that you could go into a corner and bang your head against the wall.

That's called parenting a preteen.

Anyway, true story.

And another thing this person shared that I think is important we don't have to dive into it is once a kid from foster care is adopted, all the trauma, all their struggles don't disappear.

And a lot of people do, unfortunately, think, like, oh, they're adopted.

Everything's good.

Everyone's good to go.

No, they still have a lot to work through.

They still have trauma.

Those adoptive families, whether or not they're still fostering, they still need community and help.

Yes.

Especially if kids get older and try to figure out their identity and struggle with where they belong or accepting, like, why didn't my biological family keep me or want me or there's a lot of depth there.

So I.

One lady shared a whole lot, so I'm gonna.

We'll see.

I might just share all of it with you.

Jackie said that understanding that just because you don't feel like you can foster doesn't mean that you can't do something.

It absolutely takes a village and no support is too small or insignificant.

Don't be afraid to ask a foster parent, what can I do to help you?

She also said, hold on, let's pause there.

Helping.

In the light of Foster Care Awareness Month, don't wait to be asked by a foster family how you can help them.

Just help.

And remember there is no just when you're helping a foster family, you're not just helping with the kids.

You're not just doing a load of laundry.

It is incredibly helpful.

And what the majority of foster families will say, based on my experience, is that they would much prefer you saying instead of what can I do to help you.

Giving them a couple of options.

We actually just had a really young girl from our church send me a great, amazing, beautifully generous message earlier this week.

And she's a great assistant softball coach.

She is.

She basically offered up her home if Jason and I wanted to spend a night there and she would spend the night at our house.

Or she offered like four different things.

Like, hey, these are ideas I thought of.

Please let me know what you would like me to do to help.

She nailed it.

It was amazing.

I don't know if she listened to this podcast or not, but like, someone taught her well.

She didn't just say, how can I help your family.

She said, I really want to bless your family.

Here's what ideas that I have.

Let me know what one you like best.

She's only 24, 25, but when you interact with her, she has a old soul, for lack of a better word.

Alright, let's keep rolling.

We got a lot.

Okay, so back to Jackie's.

She said that these are children who didn't choose to be placed in this situation.

They are not bad kids due to their circumstances.

And that will preach because foster kids I can even think back to, like my childhood foster kids Kind of get a bad rap.

I don't remember interacting with any foster kids growing up.

Well, maybe Shawnee did not have any.

No, I don't think people talked about it.

Like, it was one of those.

Yeah, I think they were round, per se, but I don't think people talked about it.

Another one is, no, we do not know how long they will be here.

Which is so true.

I mean, good grief.

I get asked a lot, actually, because we are fostering a sibling to one of our adopted children.

Are you going to adopt this one, too?

We actually have no stinking clue, Right?

Like, if we had a magic ball and can see into the future, I would answer that for you, but we can't.

And I mean, side note, it's honestly none of your business how long they're gonna be here anyway, right?

Yeah, it's really not.

We're just here to love them.

That's what we want other people to do, too.

Another one.

She, like, she nailed it.

She nailed it.

She said, yes, it hurts when they leave.

Yes, we do become too attached.

Healthy attachment is so important for these children.

Sometimes saying things like, I could never do that because I would get too attached can be hurtful to those that are and put their whole heart and soul into these children.

It dismisses the fact that we do indeed become so attached and care deeply.

I think that that's a common thing people say.

It's a common thing that ticks us off.

Not ticks us off.

It's just like, okay, stop.

It almost feels like they're dismissing their ability to love these kids.

Like, oh, you guys are superheroes.

You guys have a super skill.

You're super gifted.

I can't do that.

Because you're able to.

I feel like it's a way to cop out of engaging in a conversation about potentially being foster parents.

That's what I think it is more than anything.

I kind of want to talk to Jackie because, I mean, everything that she lists here, let's have her on.

Yes, girl.

I'll message her.

Yeah.

She said, just because a child has been with us from infancy and adopted through foster care does not mean they don't have trauma.

You cannot parent the trauma out of a child.

The body keeps the score.

And another one, I just want to, like, raise my hands and say amen.

I mean, the data shows that.

Go ahead, try and say this again.

A child who is properly loved, cared for, nurtured, all the things from the time they are born to two months, fares better long term than a kid who is mistreated unnurtured, all the things from birth to two months, then, and then treated well.

And then treated well from two months for the rest of their life.

Yeah, those first two months they say are extremely.

And people under.

People also dismiss the prenatal aspect, like in the womb stuff.

People don't get that either.

Yeah, I mean if babies are in the womb and they're exposed to substances, domestic violence, screaming, that all matters.

It impacts that child's development.

Jackie goes on to say that there is space to support and form a relationship with biological parents.

We are not the enemies and one is not above the other.

And yeah, I fully agree with that.

When you're able to do that, you absolutely should, 100%.

And it is not about us or our feelings, meaning foster parents.

It is about what is in the best interest of the child, which is something that is sometimes a struggle because it feels like the system does not always operate with that perspective.

That's my little add on to that.

She also said, yes, children can live in our home well over a year, two years, et cetera, and still not be adopted.

Time does not always determine adoption status.

Go ahead with that last one of hers, Jason.

We, meaning foster parents, are not some kind of supernatural human beings.

We are ordinary people who said yes and chose to figure it out the way we were obedient people.

We were willing to sacrifice, ease, simplicity to love and take care of kids that needed loved and taken care of.

Another one, which is a great one, is foster care is not a one stop shop.

Every child, parent, situation, judge and social service team is different.

We do not know how long they're here.

We're just here to love them through it.

Yeah, you think you have experience because you've done this before.

Kid comes from a different office with different caseworkers, different supervisors, a different judge.

And it's like if you've ever.

I'll compare it to this.

If you've bought a home more than once, every time you're going through the like mortgage process, at the end of it, it feels like it's the first time they've ever done it because they're asking you for documents and stuff.

Last second all the time.

Kind of feel like that sometimes.

Like, don't you guys know what you're doing?

Have you done this before?

This isn't new, but yeah, right.

Foster parents aren't on an island or any of these kids.

We have, we build a network, we have safety nets, we have a network, a web of healthcare providers, teachers, friends, family teams, colleagues and all of these people become very interwoven in a part of our lives.

This person that shared, this shared, she has colleagues that genuinely only talk, that she only talks to at work.

Ask all the kids, ask if their batting is improving, like in softball or baseball, who, who cheer when they win their games and they watch them grow from afar.

It's awesome to know there's people in your corner cheering for you and cheering for your kids.

Someone else said that time is different for children than adults.

One year to an adult can pass very quickly.

This year.

This year.

No kidding.

How is it the end of May passing very quickly.

Yes.

And they said that for a child living in uncertainty and growing, changing and learning every day, a year is huge.

This should always be taken into consideration with length, with the length of time that kids are in foster care.

This is one of those things that I never really considered that their perception of time could be vastly different than ours.

Right.

And we're always like, go, go, go.

Busy, busy, busy, taking care of everyone, meeting all the needs.

Whereas a child typically is on the receiving end of that.

But then especially in larger families, there's more downtime, more time to kind of sit with things and feel things.

For example, we'll say we're 40ish.

For easy math, one year has been.

Is 2.5% of our entire life.

Right.

For a 10 year old, we'll just use for easy math, one year is 10% of their life.

So it's a bigger chunk of their life.

So it's a bigger, like it's a bigger deal.

I think that's why you get older.

As years pass, it feels less, less significant.

It's because it's a smaller percentage of your life.

Interesting way to look at it.

I mean, like little Leah, she's going to be eight.

Right.

One year is like, can you do that math?

I don't want to.

You can't.

It's 12.5%.

I could.

I was going to say 20.

Very good.

Well, I was also thinking one out.

Of five is 20.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I mean, think younger kids.

Nyla's going to be three.

One year is a third of her life.

Yeah.

So yeah.

It's just very interesting.

We've shared this and I think you will just repeat it because it's always worth repeating what we wish people knew about foster care.

How emotionally, spiritually, mentally, all the, all the illies.

Challenging it is.

Yeah.

Especially if you're an emotional eater.

Then you tie in physically challenging it is.

Or not sleeping or not being able to Work out.

Just.

Yeah.

Not having at all.

Yeah.

Here's your.

A lot of times your goals go to the wayside.

I mean, it's not like, hey, can we make it through the end of this day?

Sometimes.

Sometimes it's, can we make it through the end of this hour?

Can we just get the kids off to school in the morning?

Right.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah.

Someone said, I wish people would stop saying, well, it's what you signed up for, or, you know what, you knew what you were getting into.

And dismissing all that foster parents handle in the regards to heartache, grief, stress and concerns.

Basically saying, well, you asked for it.

This is actually our first couple years of fostering.

I kind of kept.

I held my cards really close because in my mind, this is what people would say.

And I can't say anyone's ever actually said it to me.

Did you see my response to that?

That's the only comment I saw that I respond.

I said, I cannot imagine if somebody actually said that to her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because if somebody said that to me, I would punch them in the face.

Like, I just can't imagine a human being.

Like, that's what we told ourselves the first year, hey, we.

Or first year or two, we signed up for this.

This is our journey.

This is our battle.

Nobody else.

Right.

So, I don't know, we try to protect other people.

Right.

And just we took it upon ourselves to do that.

But no one ever said that.

I don't think people really think that.

Do you think they think.

I guess some people probably do.

Well, like, yeah, apparently Amy's had man told to her.

Right.

That's awful.

I feel bad for Amy.

I'm sorry.

Amy, do you know Amy?

No.

Okay.

Amy, we're sorry.

Someone else said that it's not a linear process.

That's a good thing.

That's a really good way to put it.

Anybody who's smart and has dealt with, like, progress, with, I don't know, weight loss, job progression, learning new skills, knows it's not a linear thing.

Right.

You have days where you improve a ton.

Other days where you might backtrack even or not.

It's very up and down.

Foster care is the same way.

Well, if you think about grief.

Right.

And that's not linear.

And grief is like one section of trauma.

Right.

So, yeah, it's not linear.

She also said that it is not okay to ask about a child's story.

Yes, that is.

It's well intended.

Right.

It's a way to connect with you.

I know.

I feel like that's A tricky one.

There's a tension there.

It's well intended.

They're not mo.

Well, you know, the old ladies at church are probably being nosy, but most people are doing like good friends are, doing it as a way to connect and be in your corner.

That's fair.

But understand their story is private and it'll be shared with you when it's appropriate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't ask about their stories.

If you're a non foster, I'd encourage you as hard as it will be.

Just be supportive and don't pry and ask about their story.

Yeah, it'll be.

It'll be shared soon enough.

And if you're present and loving on them, you're probably going to be exposed part to their story indirectly anyhow.

So if you really want to get to know it, then start serving and loving them.

Not that that's a good reason to do it, but it's just kind of par for the course.

One other thing, this is a good one that we wish.

We, meaning foster parents, wish non fosters.

Understood.

It can challenge your marriage and your kids.

It's the way I would describe it.

Pressure can break, you know, can make a diamond or it can break things under pressure kind of refines who you are.

Can either make you stronger or it breaks you.

Yeah.

And I would say that's absolutely what's going to happen to your marriage.

It's going to be one of two things.

Yeah.

It's going to make your marriage stronger.

It's going to make it fall apart.

And we've unfortunately seen both when it comes to foster care and adoption.

Yep.

Please stop looking at me weird when I have a child that's a different race than I am.

Yeah.

I mean, where's that one?

It's down there.

Yes.

I mean, if people.

Yes.

Guys, I don't.

Gosh, I don't even know what to say about that.

Yes.

I haven't.

People don't look at me weird.

You literally go in public excited to take the children that don't match you.

It's funny.

Like, I dare you say something.

Well, here's what people say.

Oh, my gosh, she's so cute because you get this big white ogre y guy with these cute little black girls and you know, that's weird.

And I think it's people's very gentle way of being curious and connecting.

Right.

It's well intended.

It's nice.

But that's what I've experienced a lot of is when I used to take Delaney out, she was a cute little Baby, people didn't say, oh, my gosh, she's so cute.

With my little black girls, they do a lot say, oh, my gosh, she's so precious.

She's so cute.

And a weird amount more percentage wise.

It's kind of funny.

I cannot say I've gotten any weird looks.

I mean, I. I don't know.

I also don't really pay attention to.

Right.

Anybody else does or says.

Yeah.

Someone else said that kids should not be expected to be thankful and appreciative of the foster parents.

That's really smart.

Yeah.

Like, because that if a foster parent has that expectation that this kid should.

Be grateful for me.

Yeah.

That's like savior complex.

Right?

Like, no, you're not.

I don't even think that.

I think it's more of a.

Well, I'm doing this for you.

I'm doing.

Right.

Yes.

That.

That's not love.

That's conditional.

Right.

Like the person who shared that with us.

It goes on to say parents or kids always have a deep longing for their biological parents.

Right.

Even our kids we've adopted, as you shared earlier, will get to a point where they're going to want to understand why they're not with their bio parents.

Right.

No matter how unfit they might be.

And this is.

I think we talk about this, but this is a good one to wrap up with.

Those kids are so lucky to have you.

I get the intent.

I understand the essence of what you're trying to say.

You're trying to tell the bio or the foster parents that they're awesome people.

Any kid in foster pet care is anything but lucky.

As we talked about earlier, they've been through more trauma than most of the rest of us will experience in a lifetime.

They're away from their bio parents.

The people who should love them and care for them, aren't they or whatever lucky is.

They are the opposite of that.

Yeah, I get what you're trying to say.

But go a couple layers deeper and really think about that question.

If I could say from all the things we shared, all really good.

One thing we wished non foster parents understood about foster care.

The kids are not lucky.

No.

And I think if people understood that better, it would move more people to action.

Yeah.

That is nothing they did.

It's nothing they asked for.

They're dealing with the unfortunate circumstances that are brought on by the adults in their lives who are supposed to protect them.

Right.

Right.

On me and Whitney's.

We're moving to me and Whitney's portion of the list of what we wish Everyone else understood about foster care.

Yeah.

And a lot of these, you know, we've kind of covered based on what other people shared.

So I think we'll just touch on a few.

Jason.

Whatever ones I feel like we haven't talked about.

And if you do tell me.

We've already talked about it.

First one we have.

We touch on this.

But I really want to go into this more because I think this prevents people from stepping up to become foster parents.

Foster parents are ordinary people.

Very flawed, not perfect.

Just obedient.

Yes.

We don't have capes.

You don't have a cape.

I mean, I do have a closet full of them.

Just kidding.

Actually, I did buy you a superhero sweatshirt.

I do have a super mom sweatshirt with the Superman logo.

Yep.

We don't have all the answers.

We're not some sort of saints.

We're not more special than anybody else.

We mess up more than anyone.

We're like.

We started the journey today on this podcast with overwhelmed a lot.

Unconfident, unsure.

Were just people who said yes to a call.

And honestly, who keeps saying yes?

That's exactly right.

It's not a one time yes.

It's a continual yes.

Yeah.

Another one that I don't think was really touched upon is that biological parents are human beings too.

This was probably my biggest thing I didn't understand before we became foster parents.

Yeah.

Because you want to think like, oh, they're awful.

Right.

How evil they're human beings.

Many of many of them, I would say in our experience, nearly all of them are deeply broken.

Not evil.

A lot of them are a product of the exact same system that they are now involved in with their children.

I think of all of the bio parents we've interacted with, I think only one, maybe two would I say they didn't demonstrate love for their kid.

Yeah.

Out of 14.

Right.

Like all the other ones demonstrated love.

They just had.

They couldn't for one reason or another.

They didn't know.

They don't know how to love their kids or their way of loving their child is, you know, Unsafe.

Yeah.

I mean, or dangerous.

Right.

Once we got into it.

And you did a really good job of making effort to connect with.

I try.

My heart is for those bio moms.

Because, well, I mean, it's funny.

The first person you really connected with wasn't a bio mom.

It was a dad, if you think about it.

Yeah, that's true.

That we've connected with and stayed connected on Facebook with and his little guy that was with us for a couple Months is big now.

Yeah.

But I mean, I'll tell you what, like, I, you know, look at so many of these moms and I'm like, man, I was one decision away from being those moms.

That's exactly right.

That's the thing.

That's exactly right.

But God.

But God.

Right, that's it.

All of us could have been in similar situations.

A lot of people like to look down their nose at these bio parents.

Like me, not me.

It's not that far off.

Believe it or not.

It doesn't take a whole lot before you're dealing.

You're needing.

Not unfairly, but you are needing interventions from dcs.

And another very challenging perspective is to think about the children that you're now fighting for.

The children in foster care.

Those parents used to be those children.

Twenty years ago, someone was fighting for those children, and now they're the adult and now they're the villain.

Right.

But really, they still need someone fighting for them in their corner.

And there is a way to show up with compassion and accountability.

And I think whenever that's possible, we need to do that.

A lot of these quote unquote adults don't know unconditional love.

They don't know how to have healthy boundaries.

They don't know what healthy parenting looks like.

They need someone to walk alongside them and teach them those things because they only know how they were raised.

And a lot of these kids, a lot of these adults were raised as children in the system or from broken families.

Yes, most.

Most of them, yeah.

Reunification.

Moving on to the next one.

Reunification is emotionally complicated, if not the most obvious thing in the world.

It's just not like, oh, kid leaves.

Oh, we're good.

Bye.

You are grieving the loss of a child that is still fully alive.

It's really hard.

And especially if you feel like we've had kids go home where we're like, yep, they're going home to a great situation.

No concerns.

Yeah.

And we've had the opposite.

And we've had the opposite.

And luckily, a couple of the kids that went home to situations we were thrilled about, we were able to stay somewhat.

Like we're not all best friends.

I mean, one of them, I think we.

If they live closer, we'd probably be pretty good friends with them.

B man's parents, I think, yeah, we connected with them.

But, yeah, it's.

It's very hard.

It's very challenging.

It's very, yeah, deep.

There's a lot of.

It's complicated.

It's complicated.

It's the Relationship status.

It's complicated.

I can't imagine people at one point on Facebook like, you know what?

I'm gonna tell the world my relationship status is complicated.

I'm gonna do that.

I'm gonna go put that on there.

You're gonna go do that now.

Oh, my goodness.

Jesus.

I don't even know if you can still do that.

People talking.

I have no idea.

It's complicated.

Oh, what's going on with you, Witty?

Nothing.

We're great.

We have six kids and they are a pain.

Oh, it's complicated to get time alone together.

Yeah, it's complicated.

Another thing that wasn't quite touched on because it was more.

So what foster parents.

Wish you knew.

I think the implication was that it's about fostering or foster children, but that biological children sacrifice also.

They share their parents.

They share in those emotional goodbyes and the reunification, the good and the bad.

They carry that too.

They love these kids.

They open up their home and their love and their toys, all of their things.

They share it all right, with new kids, in and out all the time.

They also grow in empathy and compassion like no other child I've ever seen.

So there's definitely pros and cons there.

I think becoming foster parents is one of the best things we did for our biological kids.

When they grow up to be adults, they're gonna be so much further ahead emotionally and just.

I feel like they already are.

They are, but I'm saying as adult, like, they get in the workforce or college and something doesn't go.

So they're gonna be able to overcome adversity better than other kids.

Yeah.

More unflappable than the average Joe.

It's kind of funny to say that about Benny.

Because he thought.

Is he still listening?

No.

Okay.

He didn't hear it.

So.

Benny is our 10 year old who has autism, and one of his stems is.

He'll flap his hands a little bit, we talk about it, and he's very.

Unflappable as a human.

Ish.

I don't know about that.

He's getting there for sure.

The last one I think we'll share.

We're going to combine a couple.

Foster families need more than just praise, actually.

I find praise to be.

It's awkward.

Annoying.

Yeah, it's awkward.

I don't think it's annoying.

It's uncomfortable.

Like, I'm.

I'm an easy acceptor of praise, but like hell, we've had people say, hey, you're doing a great job with them.

That.

That type of praise is really Appreciated,.

Like, not when I'm walking around thinking I'm failing.

That's a me thing.

And then.

So foster families need more support than praise.

And to connect with that is.

You don't have to foster to make a difference.

Just to give you a couple examples of a couple women in our life that are making a huge difference and they are supporting us in ways that are.

They're sacrificing to support us.

We talk about it.

I just want to share it.

I'll share it on every episode so people get ideas on how to help.

One lady, she has kind of completely adopted our family.

Yes, she has.

We call her Mimi.

Yeah, she has, like adopted our family.

She's all the things she does.

She picks up one of our kids and takes him to therapy every day.

While Whitney's been recovering, she's taken kids and kept them in her house like full time.

Except for when he was sick.

But yeah, like full time during the.

Day she would have taken.

So Jason can go to work.

Yeah.

We're going on a family trip to Myrtle beach this summer and she has.

I asked her if she would take our 4 year old for the week so she could keep taking him to therapy so he wouldn't miss it.

Honestly, the thought of having our 4 year old with autism at a resort with multiple pools terrifies me.

Next to a beach.

Right.

So he was going to stay back and do that and.

And I was going to get respite for our two little ones.

We wanted to do a vacation with just our three pigs.

Yeah.

But for me, there was more reason behind wanting that, which I'm explaining.

Yep.

But I wanted to give that context.

We hadn't given that.

So our plan was to find respite for the baby and our toddler and then have our 4 year old go with Mimi.

And Mimi said, how about I keep all three for the whole week?

She's going to have a lot more gray hair once we come back.

Oh, she's amazing.

So that's one another gal from our church, as we've shared before.

But she takes Leah to gymnastics every Saturday.

In the last year, she's maybe not done 2.

Yeah, it's been a huge blessing.

I mean, and she like, she has grown adult kids, but, like, she's very active in the community, works full time and she takes time out of her day, gives up part of her Saturday to serve us.

And during my recovery, she's come also on Monday evening.

Oh, yeah, she's awesome.

She comes on Monday evening, just kind of walks in and Is like, what do you need?

She's the helper for three hours.

So Jason's not alone and can do.

Baths and all that helps the kids, the programs.

Yeah.

It's just wonderful so to say all that.

Those are tangible ways.

And they're huge.

Huge.

Huge.

They're huge.

Huge.

Big, big.

Yeah.

Imagine if you're in a small group at your church.

As a small group, you adopt a foster family.

You have what, six to 10 couple,.

And you each tap into your giftings that God's already given you and use that to serve someone else.

That's incredible.

An analogy.

Maybe in the military, a lot of the combat arms people are the ones doing a lot of the work, quote unquote, like frontline work.

But you ask anybody in the military how many support people are in place behind them so that they can be successful.

You have admin people, you have supply people, you have maintenance people.

Right.

They don't get all of the ooh rah.

They don't get all of the attention and the glory.

But you know what?

They're helping make the missions happen.

Yeah, that's a great analogy.

If you're curious about foster care, foster parents sit down one on one with a foster family and just ask questions.

I would challenge you.

Get to know.

Yeah, you might ask some bad questions, but that's okay.

They will lovingly tell you why that's not a good question to ask.

And maybe they'll answer it for you now.

But assuming you are close with this foster family, you also get a lot more freedom to ask questions if you're close with them.

Right.

Don't go up to some random foster family you barely know and tell me about your kids now.

All right, you guys.

So I pray that this episode has come across the right way.

Our goal was not at all to make anyone feel guilty for things you may have said or thought or done in the past.

And I have said many stupid things in my lifetime.

Message me up.

I will tell them to you privately.

The goal of this episode was not to be critical or make you feel bad or to say, oh man, I've asked those questions.

No, no, no, no.

I've done that before, you guys.

I've been the speaker, the deliverer of the really awkward conversations.

I get it.

Yes, you have.

Message me and I will tell you about her.

Her questions or comments.

The goal of this episode was simply just to share our perspective and other foster parents perspective what we wish others understood.

And it's nearly impossible for you to understand without hearing it from a foster Parent, Right.

You wouldn't know.

Just consider us like sweet Aunt Jenny giving you.

Who's Aunt Jenny?

I have no idea.

Giving you like the gracious feedback that we wish people gave us ahead of time to help you out.

Yeah.

Just to help you be more educated, more informed.

So Aunt Jenny doesn't.

Aunt Jenny.

Jenny.

Jenny.

Oh, my God.

So here's the deal, you guys.

If you found this helpful at all, or if you are a foster family and you're like, man, this could really be helpful for my mother in law to listen to, send it to her or someone else.

Hypothetically speaking.

This is completely hypoth.

I'm trying to.

Well, we can't put Aunt Ginny on again because you didn't like that.

So I'm trying to think like if there are people in your life that would benefit from these practical thoughts from real life foster parents, send it to them.

And then you don't have to be the one being like, listen, you really can't say that.

That's on us.

And then they can ask us questions and we can respond.

We can be your.

Let us be that truth speaker.

We'll be your truth speakers this week.

Still in the middle of Foster Care awareness Month.

If you're listening to us live in the month of May, go find a foster family, a foster kid, a caseworker.

Who else?

A judge.

A judge.

I'm not sure how we feel about judges at the moment.

Serve him.

Figure out a way to serve him.

Work.

Yes.

Anyone who is in this world of.

Kids who go to foster care, they deal with trauma, they deal with secondary trauma.

They all the things.

If you haven't listened to our prior episode, go back and listen to 47.

Episode 47, the one prior to this, we had our good.

I'm gonna call her our good friend.

I know she's, we don't hang out with her, but I think she's our.

Good friend, our new bestie.

Our new bestie, Mariah on.

She's a.

She's, she's, she's as real as they get.

And she was a former Casey where I shared so much insight to that life.

All right, you guys, thank you for tuning in to another episode of Dream Small.

And until next time, keep Dreaming Small.

Thank you for listening to the Dream Small podcast.

If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, please tap that follow button and leave us a review.

It helps other people find my mom and dad's show.

If you're on Spotify, please give my parents follow and a five star rating.

And wherever you listen.

Don't forget to share that the show with a friend who needs a little encouragement today.

You can also follow us on social media to stay in the loop.

Instagram reamsmall Podcast, Facebook dreamsmall Podcast, Twitter or x dreamsmallshow or email us anytime@dreamsmompodcastmail.com we love hearing from you and remember, just dream small.

See you next time.