Speaker:
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One of the biggest shifts I've
experienced on my people pleaser
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healing journey is I used to fear
losing people in relationships.
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And that has moved to fear of losing
myself to people or relationships.
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I wasn't even in the equation before.
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I didn't take my own
needs into consideration.
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I was centering the people, relationships,
jobs, situations in my life.
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Those were the center of my world.
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I was nowhere to be found.
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I've started de centering relationships,
people, places, things, if you
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will, and centering my own needs.
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Now, some people would say, that's
selfish, you have people who rely
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on you, you care about people,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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I didn't say that they were
totally cut out of my life.
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You know in math how they
have the order of operations?
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Do you remember that back in school?
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Like, if it's in the
parentheses, you do that first.
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Multiply, divide, add, subtract.
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I wasn't even in that equation.
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Or if I was, I was way at the end.
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Like, way, way, way, way, way,
way down the end of the formula.
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All I'm saying is, I'm first now.
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In order of operations in
my life, Jenny comes first.
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Jenny is deciding what she
needs for her well being.
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If I take care of what I need for myself,
then I can better serve my relationships,
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my business, my hobbies, my pets.
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It doesn't matter what you put
at the other end of the equation.
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I can better serve them
if I include myself first.
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What does that look like
in my day to day life?
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Well, I'd say I started by saying no,
being brave and maybe saying no to an
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offer for plans, but it's not just
about, no, it's not just negative.
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It's about what are you
ushering in as well?
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I've ushered in time at
night for me to decompress.
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Every night, if I'm going up
to bed, I'm not going to sleep.
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That's my "I'm not socializing
anymore/ we're shutting down the
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system here" time, and that means I'm
putting my legs up the wall, and I'm
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putting my Ayurveda oil in my nose.
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I know that sounds weird, but it's
really helped my sinuses, and I'm doing
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meditation, or I'm reading my book , and
I'm stretching, I'm letting go of the
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day and returning back home to myself.
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That's what I'm talking about.
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That's what adding the equation is.
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Is that hurting any of my relationships by
me at night going and putting my freaking
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legs up the wall and putting some oil
in my nose ? It is not hurting anyone,
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if anything that's helping everyone
because The next day, my hips aren't
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aching, my sinuses aren't experiencing
a lot of pain, I'm in a better mood.
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I'm sleeping better, so I'm able to
be more productive in my business.
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I'm more friendly to people
I meet on the street.
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I don't have road rage
because I'm not crabby, right?
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Those little moments that you integrate
into your everyday are what turn the tide.
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They're what make the difference.
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So, yes, you do need to set
boundaries, that's the hot topic now,
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boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
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But boundaries don't have to be negative,
they don't have to be defensive mode.
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They can also be things
that you're adding in.
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So essentially, that's a boundary for me.
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My whole nightly routine is a boundary.
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Because I'm saying, okay, I'm not
answering text messages right now.
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I'm not talking to anyone.
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I'm not sending voice memos.
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I'm not on social media.
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This is me time.
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See y'all tomorrow.
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If you text me, my legs are up the
wall, well, I'm not seeing it because
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now my phone's on do not disturb,
but I'm also not responding to you.
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That's my own internal boundary.
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Um, am I losing friendships because I'm
not responding to a text message at 10 p.
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m.?
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Hell no, I'm not!
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And if I do lose friends because
I didn't respond at 10 p.
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m., screw that!
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You shouldn't be in my life because what
in the world - that is some selfishness
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to think that they deserve access
to me anytime I'm doing anything.
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That doesn't make sense.
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So start by examining how you're
making your decisions every day.
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What is the barometer that you're using?
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Is it other people- centered, or
is it your wellbeing- centered?
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Who are you centering in your life?
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No judgment.
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No shame.
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No criticism of yourself.
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Don't go there.
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This is just how it is.
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Plain and simple.
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Information is power.
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If you can understand yourself at your
current state, then you can understand
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areas that you can start to shift.
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Be analytical about it.
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That's one of the
biggest things I can say.
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Start to be the observer of your
life, the observer of your patterns.
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Don't be the judge and the executioner.
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So deciding, am I doing X, Y, Z after
work because I feel bad and guilty,
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or I feel like I've got a case of
the shoulds- I should be doing this
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for my friend, for my parent, for my
spouse, for my kid, whatever it is.
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Shoulds??
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Are you "shoulding" or, is it truly
from a place of, this fulfills me.
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This aligns with what I need right now.
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It doesn't take anything away from me to
compromise and do this thing even though
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maybe I don't really want to do it.
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It's not depleting me because I
think that's also a side note, too.
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Yes, there's compromise in relationships.
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This doesn't mean become this
individualistic jerk, right?
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You can compromise and sometimes you
will do things for people you care
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about that you don't really love.
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But there's a difference between
doing that because you love them
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and you're compromising and you
want to support them versus guilt,
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shame, should, that heaviness.
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It's a subtle feeling difference
that you can mainly only feel
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it dropping into your body.
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From there you can decide
where you want to target first.
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Where you want to gently play with
maybe making some different decisions.
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Maybe instead of even starting
with people, start with yourself.
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What can you add in for yourself?
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Keeping everything else the same, because
you're not going to change overnight.
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Starting with yourself.
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What can I add in to counter all of
those other people - decision making?
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If you're always doing what other
people want, where can you add in
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something that you would like such as my
evening routine with legs up the wall.
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All that to say, yes, those are
all practical steps you can take,
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but it starts with self awareness.
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Every time you're making a decision,
just ask yourself in your mind, is
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this decision truly for the highest
good of me and good of all, or am I
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doing this out of guilt, shame, should?
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Am I centering it around the other person,
or is this decision centered around
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me and my wellbeing and the wellbeing
of all my relationships in my life?
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Start there and take it
one moment at a time.
