Shownotes
Join us for Decadent Care, November 8-9 in Winnipeg, MB:
Description
How can caregivers maintain their well-being while juggling the demands of their duties? Alicia Freeman (a mother six to children in care and her own bio kids) shares the importance of integrating self-care into daily routines and recognizing early signs of burnout, such as insomnia and irritability. Alicia offers practical strategies for balancing household chores and personal time. With a busy household and summer routines winding down, Alicia anticipates the return of a predictable school schedule and the necessity of staying connected to her own needs.
Time Stamps
[04:53] Parents manage control by maintaining predictable routines.
[08:35] Struggling to care when not feeling grounded.
[10:26] Motherhood is fulfilling but maintaining individuality essential.
[13:42] Teaching self-care is crucial for balanced caregiving.
[18:14] Balancing self-care with caregiving through daily activities.
[19:47] Finding fulfilling self-care without added stress.
[24:15] Grateful for supportive partnership in handling challenges.
[26:57] Church community supports prioritizing marriage and relationships.
[29:36] Offer gift card, watch kids, support couple.
[34:27] App helps identify emotions through energy categories.
[35:56] Relief in identifying emotions and celebrating moments.
[39:07] Struggling mom finds freedom through self-care education.
[43:30] Caregiving is tough, seek professional help regularly.
[46:18] Mindfulness and proper breathing can change mindset.
Guest Links
How we feel app: https://howwefeel.org/
Other Links
Reach out to us! https://journeywithcare.ca/podcast
Email: podcast@careimpact.ca
Listen To Journey With Prayer - A prayer journey corresponding to this episode: https://journeywithprayer.captivate.fm/listen
or get both podcasts on the same RSS feed! https://feeds.captivate.fm/n/careimpact-podcast
CareImpact: careimpact.ca
About the CarePortal: careimpact.ca/careportal
DONATE! Help connect and equip more churches across Canada to effectively journey well in community with children and families: careimpact.ca/donate
Editing and production by Johan Heinrichs: arkpodcasts.ca
Mentioned in this episode:
See the gift-giving catalogue!
https://careimpactchristmas.com
Transcripts
Many, many caregivers feel like I can't take a break. I can't take
Speaker:a night off. Or if I do, it's not worth it. By the time I
Speaker:get back home, I'm gonna be picking up so many pieces that it
Speaker:wasn't even worth the 1 or 2 hours that I took to go out for
Speaker:dinner with my husband or whatever it might be. What
Speaker:does loving your neighbor actually look like?
Speaker:This is Journey with Care, where curious Canadians get inspired
Speaker:to love others well through real life stories and honest
Speaker:conversations.
Speaker:Welcome back to Journey With Care. We are in our series battery life of a
Speaker:caregiver. We're exploring the lives of those who dedicate themselves to
Speaker:their caregiving roles. Will uncover what it takes, their self
Speaker:care strategies, and how our communities can provide much needed support around
Speaker:them. Today, we are joined by our guest, Alicia
Speaker:Freeman. She was also a previous guest on episode
Speaker:17 of the season, differently wired episode. She's a
Speaker:dedicated mother, foster parent, and advocate for vulnerable children.
Speaker:Alicia is also one of our trauma care trainers with Care Impact.
Speaker:But before I get Wendy to introduce our guests a little
Speaker:bit more, remember that we have Journey with Prayer 5 minute
Speaker:Devo series to start off your week. That's on a separate feed. You can
Speaker:also get it on the same feed if you want. Just check the show notes,
Speaker:and I'll have a link there for you. And you can always go to carium
Speaker:pack.ca/podcast to get this podcast and that
Speaker:one together at the same time a little bit early. Also, this
Speaker:podcast exists and continues to produce great content because of
Speaker:the generosity of our listeners, our donors, and sponsors.
Speaker:To help the podcast and the work of Care Impact, we value your
Speaker:support and we would love to connect with new sponsors or people who just
Speaker:wanna contribute to the podcast. You can head over to careimpact.c/podcast.
Speaker:There's a donate link there, and there's a sponsor link
Speaker:right on that page, and we'd love to connect with you. Alright. We wanna get
Speaker:into this episode. Wendy, welcome here. You wanna introduce our
Speaker:guest? Absolutely. And in fact, she's no stranger
Speaker:to, our listeners. If you've been following along, we've had her before as
Speaker:mentioned. And Alicia Freeman, it's so good to have you
Speaker:back. You're back by popular demand. People loved listening to
Speaker:your story in episode 17, and I hope people will go back.
Speaker:And if you haven't heard her story, go back there. But,
Speaker:Alicia, when I think about caregiving, I think about you.
Speaker:And how's your battery life right now? Let's just check-in.
Speaker:What's your battery at this morning? Oh, thank you, Wendy.
Speaker:Thank you for welcoming me back. And I've as I was just telling you
Speaker:and Johan as we kind of got on this morning, it's the
Speaker:last week of August, and my battery life is pretty
Speaker:low. I I'm I'm ready for school to start. Routines,
Speaker:rhythms, we all need a little bit of structure around here to get us back
Speaker:on track. So I am with you, Alicia. I'm sure Wendy
Speaker:is too. I'm ready for school to start. So how has a
Speaker:typical summer summer day looked like in the Freeman
Speaker:household? You know what? A lot of people have asked me that recently. Like,
Speaker:what have you guys done this summer? And I kinda feel like, we haven't done
Speaker:anything big. It's just kinda this and that. I have most
Speaker:of the time in my house this summer. I had a 1 year old, a
Speaker:4 year old, an 8 year old, and a 9 year old. So we've just
Speaker:been doing, you know, swimming lessons and soccer and
Speaker:baseball and beach days and park days and lots and lots
Speaker:of laundry and lots and lots of
Speaker:snacks, all day, every day eating, just those kinds of
Speaker:normal things. And then in the mix of that, we have some older kids who
Speaker:are who are just a little bit more in and out. So they keep us
Speaker:busy with with their schedules as well. So you said you're
Speaker:looking forward to the summer so that you have a little bit routine back. So
Speaker:what does a typical school day look like for you?
Speaker:Well, to be honest, there and a lot of my,
Speaker:special needs parents will resonate with this feeling of I'm
Speaker:so excited for school to start, but, also, there's a lot of unknowns
Speaker:about what is school gonna look like. And is everybody gonna thrive in
Speaker:the places where we've kind of mapped out for them to be?
Speaker:And it's hard to communicate with schools through the summer. So we're still
Speaker:kinda waiting on those last pieces. But for the most part, I think
Speaker:it's going to just be me and my tiniest at home, and everybody else
Speaker:will be off to school. So that will be new. It will give me a
Speaker:little bit of mental space and quiet again in my days. And
Speaker:so I'm looking forward to being able to just have a little bit more
Speaker:control over my own schedule, to be honest.
Speaker:So how much does that routine of the fall kids back in school and
Speaker:having them having that routine contribute to your battery life?
Speaker:Yes. Well, I mean, I mentioned the word control,
Speaker:and I think lots of parents out there will probably
Speaker:resonate with we try to find that
Speaker:fine line between not trying to
Speaker:grasp for too much control, but at the same time, feeling
Speaker:like everybody needs some element of control in their lives in order
Speaker:to feel kind of safe and grounded and feel like I I
Speaker:know what to expect next. So I think, for me, just going
Speaker:back into some, like, predictable routines where even though
Speaker:I know there's gonna be the days where, you know, somebody is sick or somebody
Speaker:needs to be picked up from school or things go wrong at school, and I
Speaker:have to go and end up picking somebody up or having a meeting or having
Speaker:a a difficult phone call, whatever it might be, I still know that for the
Speaker:most part, I can rely on they're going to get picked up by
Speaker:the bus at 8 o'clock in the morning, and they'll be home at 3:30. And
Speaker:the time in between, I can somewhat schedule you
Speaker:know, I can have some time some quiet time to, like,
Speaker:focus on something that takes some mental energy. Or I can, you know, sit
Speaker:down and have some quiet time in the word or with prayer, or I can
Speaker:go for a walk with a friend without, you know, my
Speaker:4, 8, 9 year old interjecting all of their comments and ideas because
Speaker:they really love my friends too, it seems. So I'm
Speaker:looking forward to that. So with the fall come a lot of those trips
Speaker:back and forth, many appointments I I find as a parent.
Speaker:Mhmm. So what do you do in those times when you're driving
Speaker:back and forth? How do you ground yourself? What do you do for self care
Speaker:in the vehicle? Oh, that's a good one. K. My
Speaker:vehicle self care. I love that because, I mean, most moms
Speaker:can relate to. You just spend a lot of time in the car. Right? If
Speaker:as soon as you have multiple kids, especially, there's just a lot of places to
Speaker:go. Like you said, appointments. Like, you know, suddenly, everybody needs to go to the
Speaker:dentist again and the eye doctor, and there's therapy appointments, and there's
Speaker:doctor's appointments. Something that I've noticed is that I
Speaker:I try to pay attention when I climb into the car and, you know,
Speaker:everybody's buckled in their seats, and it's like, okay. We have, like, 5 or
Speaker:10 minutes, whatever, however long the drive may be or a longer drive.
Speaker:And I kinda try to just do that check-in, like, how am I feeling right
Speaker:now, and what do I need? Inevitably, you know, my 9 year old will be
Speaker:like, mom, turn on my playlist. And some days, his
Speaker:playlist is great. I'm like, okay, buddy. Sure. We can
Speaker:do your playlist. You know? We can rock to your tunes
Speaker:today. And then other times, like, no. I'm sorry, buddy. I we just need
Speaker:we just need a quiet drive today. If I'm by myself, I end
Speaker:up talking to myself out loud a lot or talking to God out loud. I
Speaker:pray when I'm in the car. I I let it all out. I'm like, okay,
Speaker:God. What are you doing? I don't know what's going on, or I'm going into
Speaker:this meeting. I need help. Like, show me what to do. Show me what to
Speaker:speak. Give me the words and deep breathing, honestly.
Speaker:Some deep breaths. No closing your eyes when you're driving, but some nice
Speaker:deep breaths just to refocus. And, yeah, I like that
Speaker:you were used the word grounding because it it's actually a really great place to
Speaker:kind of have that moment. I should have asked how you stay grounded
Speaker:in the midst of hearing baby shark because I don't know if I could do
Speaker:that very well, though. And this is why some days,
Speaker:we are up for the playlist, and then other days, we are not up for
Speaker:the playlist. I love worship music too. You know? I think I've set a pretty
Speaker:good precedent where it's like, okay. You you can ask, and it might be a
Speaker:yes, or it might be a no. And I try to just give them a
Speaker:reason why. I mean, being honest, though, there are also other days
Speaker:where, you know, can you turn on my place? And I'm like, no.
Speaker:And that's all I can get out. I'm like, no. Absolutely not. And they're
Speaker:like, why? I I don't even have an answer. Just
Speaker:no. But knowing what I need as a caregiver is
Speaker:something that I've really tried to work on in the past couple years.
Speaker:Just understanding what's going on inside of me so that I can figure
Speaker:out how can I get myself back to a place where I actually have the
Speaker:ability to care? Because the problem is when
Speaker:I am not grounded, when I'm not feeling
Speaker:okay, it's really difficult for me to offer care to the people around
Speaker:me as much as I want to, as much as my intentions may be good.
Speaker:It's it's really, really difficult. So Yeah. I know a lot of
Speaker:moms talk about how there's times in life where they feel
Speaker:they don't have anything for themselves. Like, being a mom is kinda their hobby. That's
Speaker:their go to. So, like, you you talk about having
Speaker:worship and times of reading scripture and those things. But what about, like,
Speaker:hobbies? Are there other things that that give you that creative outlet for
Speaker:yourself? I love that question. And, again,
Speaker:it's something that I've been thinking about a lot the last few years because I
Speaker:think I went into mothering as a young woman, and I had
Speaker:hobbies. You know? I I love to read. I have always loved to read.
Speaker:The last time that I had time to sit down and read a book, I
Speaker:don't know when that was. I I still love
Speaker:to read, but I I don't actually get to read very often. I
Speaker:love music. I used to spend a lot of time playing the piano, and that's
Speaker:not something that I do very often anymore. Anymore. I love to
Speaker:write. I I used to have a blog going. I haven't blogged for, like,
Speaker:4 years now, I think. So what I was trying to say was I went
Speaker:into mothering and just thinking, you know, I had my hobbies, and I was excited
Speaker:about mothering and just throwing myself into mothering. And
Speaker:now I am, let's see, 10 years in. And
Speaker:I'm like, whew. Like, all I'm doing is mothering. That that's
Speaker:all I'm doing all the time. And I know I know that mothering is
Speaker:worth every ounce of energy that I have to give to it.
Speaker:However, I also know that I'm a better mom when
Speaker:I can remember who I am outside of
Speaker:being a mom, being a wife in this house, in this
Speaker:family, and remembering that, ultimately, first of all,
Speaker:I'm a child of God. And he has made me
Speaker:uniquely and with purpose and with intention. And
Speaker:that that's going to come out in all kinds of different ways in different seasons
Speaker:of my life. So right now, I think there legitimately
Speaker:just isn't a lot of time or energy for me to
Speaker:pour into other hobbies. But sometimes just
Speaker:taking the time to even just think about that. Like, you know what? In
Speaker:a different season of my life, what might I like to do with my
Speaker:time or my energy? And how can I take just a baby step toward that?
Speaker:So, you know, if I think that I'm really missing
Speaker:reading, this is something that over the last couple years, I it's really
Speaker:hard for me to sit down with a book. And a lot of moms will
Speaker:be able to identify with that. As soon as you sit down in a chair,
Speaker:everybody's there. Like, they're like, oh, mom is here. She is ready for
Speaker:us. She's sitting down. Great. But what I
Speaker:have found is that sometimes I can pop in, you know, one earbud, probably
Speaker:not 2, but one while I'm busy doing the laundry or I'm
Speaker:cooking dinner or I'm watching the kids outside, and I can listen to
Speaker:an audiobook through that one earbud. And it's not gonna be the
Speaker:same experience. Like, it's not gonna be the same as when I was a teenager
Speaker:and I could curl up in a corner and read a book for 3 hours
Speaker:straight. I'm not gonna get that kind of experience, but it's going to
Speaker:give me just a smidge of that thing that I know that I love, and
Speaker:it's gonna fill my tank a bit. And just reassuring myself that, you know
Speaker:what? There's gonna be a season coming again sometime soon
Speaker:ish where I'm gonna have time to do that again.
Speaker:And what can I do to make sure that I'm not just abandoning
Speaker:those things that I love altogether? And then just bringing my kids into things
Speaker:when I can too. I I do love to read, and so something that I've
Speaker:done a lot with my kids is read alouds where I get to read aloud.
Speaker:It's maybe not, you know, my first choice of book,
Speaker:but I've also grown to love children's literature, like, especially
Speaker:middle grade novels. I love them. They're so fun, and I can
Speaker:sit down and read those with my kids. And it's time for us
Speaker:together and connecting, but it's also something that I love to do. And
Speaker:it's sort of a way for me of reclaiming that thing that I love and
Speaker:that I feel like I've lost a little bit, but also not pushing
Speaker:aside my kids in order to do that. Because I think that's the the struggle
Speaker:that every mom has of, like, how can I make time for me and my
Speaker:hobbies without making my kids feel like I'm choosing my hobby
Speaker:over them? Right? I never want them to think that me sitting down with a
Speaker:book is more important than me spending time with them. However, I do want
Speaker:them to know that, realistically, sometimes mom needs time alone, and it's
Speaker:okay if that needs to happen sometimes too. And and that
Speaker:good hobbies are good things, and everyone needs balance in their life. Right?
Speaker:Yeah. Well, except moms tend to be less
Speaker:balanced because they do so much for the kids and pour into them. I know
Speaker:I can Yes. I can say that just from watching my wife. It's true.
Speaker:And life doesn't feel very balanced. Right? And that's what I guess, when we
Speaker:talk about self care and the battery life of the caregiver, I think
Speaker:that's that's an important word to think about. It's, like, how can
Speaker:I go about intentionally bringing more balance
Speaker:into my life so that not all of my time and
Speaker:energy is being spent pouring out
Speaker:and finding ways intentional ways to refill
Speaker:my own cup? And what I've loved over the
Speaker:past few years working with Care Impact and doing the
Speaker:trauma training, this fall, I'm going to be teaching a trauma care course
Speaker:again in Ottawa. And I'm so excited because I get to teach the
Speaker:full self care module with my friend, Amy Jo. And I
Speaker:love teaching self care because it's a huge part
Speaker:of trauma competent caregiving. And what I've learned over the
Speaker:past few years as I've taught that module and as I've learned from
Speaker:other people who are teaching that module is that rest is
Speaker:not always what we think it is. So caring for
Speaker:myself, resting, I get these images that
Speaker:pop into my mind when I hear those words, and they're not always
Speaker:accurate. So what I've learned is that finding balance
Speaker:and finding rest and caring for myself sometimes looks really,
Speaker:really different than I thought it would. And sometimes it takes time and
Speaker:talking with the people around you and being really intentional, you
Speaker:know, praying about that, talking to my spouse, and and asking
Speaker:questions to figure out what is it that I really actually
Speaker:need in order to fill up my tank
Speaker:and care well for myself? Is it that I need to change my
Speaker:sleep habits? Is it that I need to spend more time outdoors?
Speaker:Maybe I need to change my diet. Not a fun one, but maybe that's what
Speaker:I really need to tackle, to care for myself well right now and have more
Speaker:energy. Right? Or maybe it's around just like rhythms
Speaker:and routines. This is a really silly one. But
Speaker:for the past number of years, I have so much laundry in my house.
Speaker:We're a family of 8. And so I just feel like I'm always,
Speaker:always doing laundry. And so I made this shift where
Speaker:I was just like, I'm just doing, like, some laundry every day. So it's, like,
Speaker:you know, 2 or 3 loads every single day that I'm doing
Speaker:laundry. And for a while, that was what worked. And then at the beginning of
Speaker:this summer, I was like, ugh. It's never
Speaker:ever, ever done. And I'm so tired of doing laundry every
Speaker:single day. And so I decided to shift and
Speaker:and follow what my mom used to always do, and she would always do laundry,
Speaker:like, Mondays Fridays. So I've been trying to do that. And I don't get it
Speaker:all done on Monday or on Friday. But what I
Speaker:do is I start on Monday. I try to wrap up
Speaker:on Tuesday, and then I just intentionally ignore the laundry for Wednesday
Speaker:Thursday. And I'm like, I'm not doing laundry these days
Speaker:unless, you know, somebody puked last night and somebody wet the
Speaker:bed last night. So I'm doing laundry today, and it's Wednesday. But
Speaker:for the most part, I try to give myself a break and just realize that,
Speaker:you know what? I'm getting really fatigued by all this laundry. Maybe I can,
Speaker:like, carve in a little intentional break for myself. So it's just about
Speaker:finding finding those things. Right? So many good things there. I
Speaker:mean, you mentioned trauma care, which I do wanna get into. And Amy Jo is
Speaker:gonna be our next guest on our next episode, actually, so that'll be exciting to
Speaker:have her on. But you mentioned how, like, even when you sit down to listen
Speaker:to an audiobook, how you might have a child on your lap doing something.
Speaker:Was that something that you had to learn on how to get your children involved
Speaker:in some of your own self care routines to
Speaker:stay grounded and how important do you think that is for them to see
Speaker:that you're getting that self care? Yes. I
Speaker:definitely feel like that was a learning curve for me, and I I think
Speaker:it's something that a lot of parents need to hear, actually, a lot of caregivers
Speaker:that, do you need time alone? Absolutely. Like,
Speaker:every caregiver needs some time alone. Right? Solitude.
Speaker:Time away from all the noise, all the the social
Speaker:dynamics, all the overstimulation of caring for
Speaker:kids. But, also, what I've realized is that my battery
Speaker:life won't drain as quickly if I'm incorporating
Speaker:things on a regular basis during the day with my
Speaker:kids to care for myself. So if I know
Speaker:that going for a walk outside is really going to help, I can bring my
Speaker:kids. And you know what? A lot of the time, it's okay. Like,
Speaker:a walk with my kids can be, isn't always, but can
Speaker:be just as enjoyable as a walk all by myself. And I might still
Speaker:get many of the same components of that care that I'm needing
Speaker:or listening to music in the car. You know? Like, sometimes when my 9 year
Speaker:old says, can we can we turn on my playlist, mom? And I do that
Speaker:self check and realize like, hey. You know what? Some really
Speaker:upbeat kids' music right now just might put a smile on my face
Speaker:too. And maybe that's exactly what I need right now, and that can care for
Speaker:all of us really well. So I do think that it's important to
Speaker:find again, there's that word balance of making sure that
Speaker:I'm being intentional about carving out the space and time I
Speaker:need to care for myself that I need to do aside from my my
Speaker:caregiving role. But then also trying as much as I
Speaker:can to incorporate self care into my daily rhythms of care so
Speaker:that I'm not having to escape from the caregiving in order to
Speaker:care for myself. Because sometimes, as we know, it's just not possible.
Speaker:You know? We go through seasons. We've been in seasons as a family
Speaker:where we've had both physical and mental illness in our family
Speaker:pretty consistently over the last 10 years, and it's not
Speaker:always possible. Sometimes caregiver needs to
Speaker:be there, and it's not always possible to escape. I know there's there's so
Speaker:many moms, especially when we talk to foster and adoptive moms
Speaker:and kinship caregivers. I feel like I'm narrowing that
Speaker:focus there. But many, many caregivers feel like I can't take
Speaker:a break. I can't take a night off. Or if I do, it's not worth
Speaker:it. By the time I get back home, I'm gonna be picking up
Speaker:so many pieces that it wasn't even worth the 1 or 2 hours that I
Speaker:took to go out for dinner with my husband or whatever it might be.
Speaker:I get that. I get that. And and there are seasons where
Speaker:you're absolutely right. It's not actually going to fill your tank
Speaker:the way something else might. So I think it's it's about getting
Speaker:creative. Right? Figuring out what do I need and how can I
Speaker:get that in a way that is actually going to
Speaker:leave me feeling cared for and feeling
Speaker:filled up, I guess? And sometimes leaving home
Speaker:and leaving our kids creates more anxiety and more trauma and
Speaker:more chaos than is worth what might seem like
Speaker:the benefits of it. There is always a way that we can
Speaker:find to care for ourselves. It just may take some creative
Speaker:thinking and some planning and some intentionality.
Speaker:And I think it's great for our kids to see that. We went through a
Speaker:long season where one night of the week was always mom's night
Speaker:off in our house. And my husband really gifted that with me for a season.
Speaker:And it it hasn't worked. We haven't been doing that for 10 years straight. We
Speaker:just did that for a season. We did that for a number of years where
Speaker:it was possible, and then suddenly, it wasn't working anymore. But that was
Speaker:something that my kids just got used to. They got used to like, oh, it's
Speaker:Monday. It's mom's night off. After dinner, mom disappears
Speaker:for a little while. I could just go. I could choose
Speaker:what I was going to do in that time to kind of fill myself up.
Speaker:Sometimes it was 30 minutes. Sometimes it was 3 hours. It wasn't always the
Speaker:same depending on what was going on in the house, but I had that little
Speaker:snippet of time. But that took planning. It took communication between my husband and I.
Speaker:It took, you know, identifying what are my needs and what is
Speaker:feasible for all of us. Most caregivers aren't caring
Speaker:for those they care for alone. So it often takes
Speaker:communication with the other caregiver, whether it's a spouse
Speaker:or whether it's even grandparents or whoever
Speaker:else might be in your village to figure out how can we work together to
Speaker:make sure that everybody is not just surviving, but
Speaker:thriving. That's our goal. Right? Yeah. You already answered
Speaker:one of the questions I was gonna ask you about your your husband.
Speaker:I mean, if our listeners listened to your previous episode, you guys went through some
Speaker:pretty stressful times, even in the last year or
Speaker:so. So what are some other ways that you and your husband have
Speaker:supported each other in maintaining your own mental and emotional well-being?
Speaker:I love that question because I I love to talk about my husband and
Speaker:the way that we've found to care for each other well and care for
Speaker:our kids well together. And your marriage. Right? And our
Speaker:marriage. Exactly. And so often, we remind
Speaker:ourselves of this regularly. We on the really stressful
Speaker:chaotic days, we will just look at each other and be like, one day,
Speaker:it's just gonna be the 2 of us again. And we are so excited for
Speaker:that, and it's okay to be excited for that. It's okay to be excited
Speaker:that one day, your kids are gonna grow up. And,
Speaker:you know, if all goes as planned, you know, they're going to be able to
Speaker:be independent. That doesn't always look the same. We have some kids that
Speaker:we expect much more independence from than others in our household,
Speaker:But it's not always going to be like this. And similar to what
Speaker:I was saying before, it's important to recognize that this is a season. Right? This
Speaker:is a season of our lives. And how can we make sure that we're investing
Speaker:for the next season that's coming as well? I don't want to
Speaker:end up as empty nesters and look at each other and be like,
Speaker:who are you? I don't know you. And where have you been this whole time?
Speaker:I married my husband because he's my best friend and
Speaker:because I adore him. And I never wanna forget that. I don't wanna forget that
Speaker:in the middle of the busy and the chaotic. I don't wanna forget that this
Speaker:is my person. This is who I've chosen to do life with. So we try
Speaker:to we try to carve out, you know, time. Not just time together, but
Speaker:also time to have fun together, making sure
Speaker:that we're laughing together, making sure that we're dreaming together about the
Speaker:future and that next season that's coming. And probably
Speaker:one of the biggest things that we've learned over the last few years, because you're
Speaker:right, it's it's been it's been a really difficult season for our
Speaker:family for, I wanna say, like, 4 years now. Just a lot going on, and
Speaker:we're still we're still in the thick of it. It just it just feels like
Speaker:it doesn't end. Right? There's just a lot to to cope
Speaker:with. There's a lot to process. And I'm just
Speaker:so glad I'm not doing it alone. You know? I'm glad that I have a
Speaker:partner beside me who is committed to doing this with me. And
Speaker:what we're learning is how to work off each other's strengths and
Speaker:identify each other's strengths at any given time. So when we're thrown
Speaker:into chaos, you know, or crisis mode, to be able to look at each
Speaker:other and kind of have that check-in of, like, where are you at
Speaker:and how much do you got? And some days, you know, it's like, you
Speaker:know what? I got this. I got this. If you can keep
Speaker:everybody else occupied, I can handle this crisis here,
Speaker:or I can make that hard phone call, or I can go and do the
Speaker:pickup. Or 2 days ago, my husband spent all night in
Speaker:the emergency room, and he was like, it's okay. I got this. I got this.
Speaker:You go to bed. You sleep so that you can take care of everybody else
Speaker:tomorrow. I will be in Emerge all night tonight, and
Speaker:I'm okay. And he did that, and he spent all night in Emerge,
Speaker:and then he drove straight to work and worked all day. He's incredible.
Speaker:But I knew then that on the flip side, coming out of that, obviously,
Speaker:by the next night, then it was my turn. Right? So
Speaker:to be able to work off of what our natural strengths
Speaker:are, but then also at any given time, just realizing,
Speaker:like, you know, I've already had a chaotic weekend,
Speaker:and I'm I'm at the bottom of the barrel. I've got nothing left to give.
Speaker:I think what we've learned is to be able to communicate that to each other
Speaker:and just be honest about, like, you know what? I'm really struggling. Like, I
Speaker:need some help here. And more often than not and I don't know
Speaker:if this is just, you know, God's grace or whether it's hearing
Speaker:your partner identify so clearly. Like, you know what? I need help. I
Speaker:need you. How can we do this together? Usually, there's
Speaker:one of us who can say, okay. You know what? I hear you. It's okay.
Speaker:I've got this. You go. You take a break or you
Speaker:rest or whatever it might be. Now our previous episode,
Speaker:we talked about how your church
Speaker:community and those surrounding you can kinda be a support to
Speaker:you. I wanna get right back into this marriage conversation because I think it's such
Speaker:a big piece of self care when you're when you have a spouse,
Speaker:that marriage care is really self care. Yes. Because like you said,
Speaker:children are only with you for a season, but your spouse is forever.
Speaker:And you wanna make sure that you're healthy throughout that, and it's also gonna give
Speaker:you a healthier household if if your marriage is healthy and your kids are gonna
Speaker:be happier. So what can the community around you, the church
Speaker:community, do to help support you guys as a couple in the midst
Speaker:of being caregivers with 6 children and a household? How
Speaker:can the church surround you guys as a couple to support your marriage
Speaker:even? Yeah. The first thing that comes
Speaker:to my mind is just, you know, being surrounded by a lot of other
Speaker:people who also value their marriages. I think that's something
Speaker:important that we found in our church community is we're surrounded
Speaker:by other people who are also going through
Speaker:life raising kids, dealing with crises,
Speaker:challenges that come up, and and we see other people around us
Speaker:valuing their marriage and making sure that they're being intentional
Speaker:about taking the time to invest in each other and
Speaker:invest in their relationship. So that's encouraging, just to see that
Speaker:in people around us and and have that influence. So that's been
Speaker:powerful. And then, I mean, just practically, you know,
Speaker:making space to prioritize things like date nights and, you know,
Speaker:time away when we do need it. We do try to take some time
Speaker:take some time away at least every whether it's once a year or
Speaker:once every other year to go away for the weekend. And then
Speaker:just on a on a weekly basis, we've tried to be really intentional about
Speaker:making date nights a priority. We do not go out once
Speaker:a week, to be clear. That's not what date night weekly looks like because that
Speaker:wouldn't be feasible. Right? We don't even with our wonderful community,
Speaker:that is a way that they can and have and do offer support.
Speaker:But we haven't we haven't had anybody consistently in our
Speaker:lives the past 10 years who's willing to babysit once a week. So if you
Speaker:find somebody like that, that's incredible. And that's quite an
Speaker:investment. And, I mean, if you're listening to this and you're,
Speaker:especially, you know, a young adult or maybe
Speaker:you're a couple who you don't have kids of your own or your kids are
Speaker:grown and that's something that you'd be willing to do, I can guarantee
Speaker:that that's something that would be really beneficial to a family who's
Speaker:in the midst of caregiving and just in that hustle and bustle and
Speaker:chaos of life. It's important to spend time alone, and it can be really
Speaker:hard and and just hard to ask people. I think that's that's another thing
Speaker:that I've had to get past is realizing that people really do want to be
Speaker:helpful, and they want to be supportive. But oftentimes, they don't know
Speaker:what to offer. And sometimes we just have to be brave enough to
Speaker:ask and making sure that we're finding those safe people who we
Speaker:know they'll say no if if they can't do it. Right? Because
Speaker:that takes the pressure off of me that maybe somebody's resentfully caring for
Speaker:me. Right? But if we have those people in our life where we know
Speaker:that they're gonna be honest with us and say, no. I'm so sorry. Like, this
Speaker:is a really crazy week for me. I can't do that. Okay. That's
Speaker:totally fine. Just checking. We'll try you again another time.
Speaker:Just having those kinds of conversations, I think, is really great.
Speaker:So if there's listeners that actually know you and are listening to this this conversation,
Speaker:maybe just go buy a nice gift card for you guys to go for dinner
Speaker:and then offer to watch the kids. So that's a good way to
Speaker:like, offering help is probably huge because
Speaker:you you feel like you don't wanna ask for help all the time, especially when
Speaker:it it feels like it might be a burden of 6 kids to put on
Speaker:someone else. Right? So I think one way for the community
Speaker:to come around a couple like you and support your marriage and support your
Speaker:family is just to offer help and to come with an
Speaker:idea already because you're not necessarily thinking about things that you could do
Speaker:together. But saying, here's a gift card I want you to go out, and we're
Speaker:gonna watch your kids on this night. That would probably be a a
Speaker:huge thing. I'm just throwing that in there if there's some listeners that happen to
Speaker:know Alicia. So I love that. And it's some as you were saying that,
Speaker:I would love to just share. Like, there's a few instances that pop into my
Speaker:mind. I mean, right now, while I'm sitting here doing this podcast
Speaker:recording, my friend is watching some of my kids, and this
Speaker:friend has been absolutely incredible. She started out,
Speaker:she was in high school, and she started babysitting for us for a summer.
Speaker:She did do that, like, weekly, pretty much weekly date
Speaker:nights so that we could get out. She started you know, that was years years
Speaker:ago. Now she's a young adult. She has a busy life of her
Speaker:own, but she comes back to our hometown, her hometown for the
Speaker:summers, for at least, you know, periods of the summer. And every time she's
Speaker:home, she's checking in and she's saying, hey. How can I help? What can
Speaker:I do? Let's hang out this week. Let's connect. And I know that she's always
Speaker:willing to spend time with my kids and invest in them and, you know,
Speaker:she'll offer a date night, and that means the world to me. And she's
Speaker:she's a young adult. She there are so many things that she could be doing
Speaker:with her time and her energy, but she's chosen to invest in us, and it's
Speaker:made a huge difference. We we love her so much, and we're so grateful for
Speaker:her. Another thing that pops into my mind is just the random
Speaker:offers. Like you said, when people just offer to help, there was recently
Speaker:a weekend where we were just falling apart at the pieces. And I had a
Speaker:friend come up to us and was just like, hey. Can I take 2 of
Speaker:your kids this afternoon? Can they come over and play? And they didn't even know
Speaker:what was going on. But it just felt like God was like, I see
Speaker:you, and here are your people, and it's gonna be okay. You don't
Speaker:have to do this alone. And then, absolutely, our family. We are
Speaker:surrounded by an incredible extended family who are just
Speaker:always willing to be supportive, and we know that they will be honest.
Speaker:I know that when I call my mother-in-law for, like, the 5th time of the
Speaker:week, and I'm like, I'm so sorry. I know you already
Speaker:spent so much time with your grandchildren this week, but do you want one more
Speaker:hour? She will be honest with me, and she'll say, like, you know what? I
Speaker:need a down day, so not today. And
Speaker:that's what I need. Right? I need I need to know that
Speaker:people will be honest with me so that I don't have to worry that when
Speaker:I'm asking, because I probably don't want to be asking,
Speaker:but I feel like I have to ask, that they'll be honest and and
Speaker:they will let me know. We haven't talked about really
Speaker:preventative things. I mean, you're pretty good at self care because you've done
Speaker:the trauma care training, and it talks a lot about that. But what are some
Speaker:of the signs that you know that you're on the verge of burnout,
Speaker:and what kind of things can you do to mitigate getting to that
Speaker:point? Oh, yeah. I mean,
Speaker:you say I'm I'm pretty good at this. I I I don't know, Johan.
Speaker:You you have the information as as a trauma care
Speaker:trainer. Right? So Yes. I do have the information. And so
Speaker:now maybe, yes, possibly, I recognize that I I'd
Speaker:like to think I recognize the signs a little bit sooner than I did
Speaker:longer ago. But, definitely, I for me, and I think for
Speaker:a lot of caregivers, it's, you know, when you start to see things
Speaker:like, I'm waking up at 2 in the morning pretty regularly,
Speaker:and my brain can't stop spinning. And I can't go back to sleep for,
Speaker:like, 2 hours because I'm worrying that we're not gonna be
Speaker:okay. I'm not gonna make it through the next week or the next day
Speaker:or, you know, trying to problem solve the next year in
Speaker:your mind. Because at 2 AM, I don't know, things just go haywire.
Speaker:Right? It's it's not a good time for processing, but we try anyway.
Speaker:You know, things like that or just just constant
Speaker:exhaustion, irritability. I had a day recently where I
Speaker:woke up, and I just felt irritated at the world.
Speaker:And as I recognized that, I was able to
Speaker:stop and, with some curiosity, try to
Speaker:think about, okay. What is going on inside of me right now?
Speaker:Which reminds me, I have a little tip to offer.
Speaker:There is an app. It's called how we feel, and I love it.
Speaker:It's absolutely wonderful. You just download it on your phone, Android
Speaker:or or iPhone, and it sends me notifications throughout the day.
Speaker:So it kinda reminds me, like, just checking in how you're feeling.
Speaker:And so you click on the app, and it starts off with 4 different categories.
Speaker:So you can choose from high energy or low
Speaker:energy, and there's kind of the low
Speaker:energy positive and low energy negative, and then
Speaker:high energy positive or high energy negative. What I love about those four
Speaker:options is that usually I can identify, okay. Am I high
Speaker:energy or low energy? And am I feeling, like,
Speaker:okay or not okay? And then from there, once you tap on
Speaker:one of those options, it gives you a whole bunch of words to choose from
Speaker:to try to identify how you're feeling. And that might sound hilarious.
Speaker:Like, a number of years ago, if you would've asked me, like, do you
Speaker:know how you're feeling most of the time? I would've said, oh, for sure. Absolutely.
Speaker:Yes. I'm, like, emotionally intelligent. I know what's going on inside of me. I
Speaker:understand how I feel. But what I've realized over the last number of years
Speaker:is that I actually don't know what I'm feeling most of the
Speaker:time. And so how can I problem solve and be creative about
Speaker:caring for myself when I don't even know how to diagnose the
Speaker:problem or what's going on? And so I love this app for
Speaker:that. You can click on the little bubbles that show the words, and it will
Speaker:give you a little description. And you would not believe how many times I'm
Speaker:just kind of, like, tapping through going like, no. That's not quite it.
Speaker:No. That's not quite it. And then I find when I'm like, yes. Yes. That's
Speaker:it. Okay. I know how I'm feeling. And just the relief that I find in
Speaker:being able to identify. Okay, I know what's going on inside of me,
Speaker:usually following up, then I can figure out, okay,
Speaker:what do I need? Or is this just a wonderful moment to celebrate?
Speaker:Right? Obviously, it this is a great idea to use this app when
Speaker:you're having really positive feelings as well and to be able to just celebrate that
Speaker:and take some time to have a worship moment and praise God and say, you
Speaker:know what? Thank you so much for this moment. We are having a good day,
Speaker:or this has been a great hour for me. I feel so much peace or
Speaker:so much joy or just that abundance of gratitude right now. And I'm
Speaker:thankful for that and to just live in that moment for a bit. But if
Speaker:things are rocky or hard or there's sadness,
Speaker:there's grief, there's overwhelm, there's overstimulation, so many different things going
Speaker:on to be able to realize, like, okay. How can I make a little shift
Speaker:and get back to a space where I'm going to be able to offer care
Speaker:to all these people who are coming to me and looking to me to meet
Speaker:their needs? So the How We Feel app, not not
Speaker:a sponsor, should be. Yes. I'll I'll throw that in the
Speaker:show notes for people that wanna pick that up. But Awesome. As a
Speaker:trauma care trainer, and many of our listeners haven't
Speaker:taken this trauma care training, How much has that helped
Speaker:you in self care? Even even learning about the
Speaker:children that you care for and the trauma that they've gone through, what's your
Speaker:pitch on people taking the trauma care course to get better at
Speaker:self care? Yes. Well, I think this
Speaker:has been a huge part of self care for me. I think
Speaker:early on and if you listen to the the last episode that I was on,
Speaker:I kinda tell the story of what brought my husband and I to trauma
Speaker:care. But as we started learning about how trauma
Speaker:has impacted many of the kids in our home and also
Speaker:how trauma has impacted ourselves, that came a little bit later,
Speaker:I started to be able to peel off some of those layers of
Speaker:guilt and of anxiety and
Speaker:overwhelm because I really didn't know what was going on.
Speaker:And similar to what we just talked about where, you know,
Speaker:knowing how I'm feeling can help me to kinda diagnose the situation and figure
Speaker:out how to move forward. It's the same with my kids. When I
Speaker:understand a little bit more about how trauma has
Speaker:impacted them, I can sort of diagnose what's going on
Speaker:and realize, like, okay. There are impacts here
Speaker:that are completely out of my control. I
Speaker:didn't cause this, and there's nothing I can do to go
Speaker:back and fix it. But what I can do is I can
Speaker:move forward with the knowledge of what's going on.
Speaker:And oftentimes, my way forward is going to look different
Speaker:with an understanding of where we're truly at. Again,
Speaker:similar to my own emotions. Right? If I think I'm just
Speaker:angry, then I might have a a lot of
Speaker:interesting ways of trying to solve that. But if I understand that
Speaker:I'm angry, but my anger is masking grief
Speaker:or anxiety, then it's going to look different in the way
Speaker:that I move forward. And it's the same thing with my kids. I still
Speaker:struggle. I think every mom does. I still struggle with a lot
Speaker:of guilt, a lot of should haves, would haves,
Speaker:you know, wanting to be perfect and
Speaker:wrestling with my own capacity limits and my own
Speaker:weaknesses, my own challenges, my own vicarious
Speaker:trauma. But the knowledge and the understanding really
Speaker:does pave a way toward freedom and healing
Speaker:that is just just beautiful. And I'm so thankful that self
Speaker:care is a part of this course. It comes right at the
Speaker:end. It's the last module of the course,
Speaker:which I love because, you know, we've learned all these things, and
Speaker:then we wrap it up with self care. But at Care Impact, we've also been
Speaker:having a lot of conversations about how do we make sure that
Speaker:we bring this in sooner. And so this fall, when I'm teaching, we're we're
Speaker:actually gonna talk about it on the 1st day already. We're going to talk about
Speaker:impact, and then we're going to go right ahead and talk about self care. So
Speaker:I'm interested to see kind of how that plays out and how that feels.
Speaker:We'd like to think that as caregivers, we're we're
Speaker:fine. Right? We're fine. We're just we're always
Speaker:fine. We can do it. Especially if you equip us with all this
Speaker:knowledge, we'll be fine. There's the other f word. Right? Yes.
Speaker:Yep. Yes. The f word. But we're not fine
Speaker:that so many of us are not okay. And until
Speaker:we start to get real about that and we start to figure out how to
Speaker:move ourselves toward a healthier place, we're not going to be able to
Speaker:care well, especially all these strategies. So
Speaker:something interesting that I've found as I've started learning more about trauma care
Speaker:is that as long as I'm, like, in the material and I'm regularly, like,
Speaker:refreshing myself on the strategies and the why behind
Speaker:it and the understanding, I find it's very helpful.
Speaker:However, if I take too long of a break this is
Speaker:maybe just me. But if I take too long of a break, things start to
Speaker:get a little bit fuzzy. Often what happens is I
Speaker:guess this is probably, honestly, the enemy. It's like he takes that knowledge and
Speaker:he uses it against me. Right? Because he's like, oh my goodness. You're a
Speaker:trauma care trainer. You should know better than this. You should be doing
Speaker:things this way. Look at you know, there's there's, like, 10 strategies listed out
Speaker:here for you, and you're not doing any of them. What are you doing? You
Speaker:know, that you're a failure. All all these lies from the enemy.
Speaker:But as long as I am in that material and actually getting
Speaker:it in context, there's so much about the why, and
Speaker:there's so much about the practical how to do this, and there's
Speaker:so much compassion for the caregiver.
Speaker:And I love that. Our whole team at Care Impact is passionate
Speaker:about compassion for caregivers. Because if we're not compassionate
Speaker:toward ourselves, there's no way we're going to be able to be compassionate for
Speaker:those that we're caring for. The vulnerable people around us,
Speaker:they're not going to get that compassion if we're not practicing it on ourselves
Speaker:as well. Which is why trauma care is so much more effective in the
Speaker:midst of community communities that are all trained in it. Right? Which
Speaker:Yes. I mean, you're not gonna forget it as easily when everybody's
Speaker:practicing it on a regular basis. So that's something that we really strive for to
Speaker:see the church trained and equipped in trauma care. So, you
Speaker:listeners, if you're looking for it, Care Impact does offer it in many
Speaker:places. Alicia's doing a training in October in Ottawa. So we're
Speaker:excited about that, and there's always gonna be more. There's some online options
Speaker:as well. So we're coming to the end of our time here. It's just flying
Speaker:by. So before we finish here, though, I wanna make sure that you have
Speaker:an opportunity to give some practical tips or advice that you
Speaker:might have. I'll give you the last word here, Alicia.
Speaker:Thank you, Johan. Yeah. When I when I just think about practical
Speaker:self care, there's so many things that come to mind. The top of
Speaker:the list right now for me, because this is something that I've really been
Speaker:investing in lately, is therapy, Therapy for yourself as a
Speaker:caregiver. I know that's not an option for everybody.
Speaker:But if it's even remotely an option, I would encourage you
Speaker:to seek out professional counselor or
Speaker:therapist who can help you walk through your own big
Speaker:feelings. We mentioned vicarious trauma just briefly.
Speaker:When we walk with others who have hard stories,
Speaker:foster care brings a lot of trauma, a lot of grief, a lot of
Speaker:loss. It's just hard. I've had to sit through
Speaker:some some really graphic details of
Speaker:hard stories, and it changes you. It shifts
Speaker:things inside of you. And there are some things that are really hard to
Speaker:forget and really hard to set down. And many of us as
Speaker:caregivers have been in situations that we never ever dreamt that we would
Speaker:ever be in and had to make very hard decisions that
Speaker:just they do. They they keep us awake at 2 in the morning with
Speaker:all the the ifs, ands, and should'ves, and what could I have done
Speaker:differently, and how did things possibly come to this? I must be
Speaker:doing something horribly wrong. It's been really important for me
Speaker:to to spend time caring for myself by seeking out that
Speaker:professional who can help me walk through what's going on inside of me. How
Speaker:can I develop good habits in my own life? And just giving me
Speaker:a space to talk, to let it all out with no guilt.
Speaker:You know, I'm not trying to care for my therapist. She's not my
Speaker:friend. She's not my spouse. She's not my child. She's not a
Speaker:relative. She's just my therapist. And her
Speaker:only job is to sit there and to listen to me and reflect
Speaker:back to me. This is what I'm hearing you say. What do you think about
Speaker:this? And to help me come up with strategies for me, for my personal
Speaker:life. I feel like, you know, I spend so much time investing and
Speaker:advocating for my kids and how to help them be healthier, but
Speaker:I need somebody to invest in me too. And that's where
Speaker:therapy comes in for me. I've also done biblical counseling in the past,
Speaker:and that was wonderful perspective. Just depending on where you're
Speaker:at, what you're experiencing in your in your brain, in your body, and
Speaker:your emotions, and your beliefs, I think that will shift in which way
Speaker:which direction you might wanna go in that that frame. And
Speaker:then, I mean, we've talked about marriage a lot. That's important
Speaker:as far as just personal personal ways of caring for myself.
Speaker:I know that I need time in nature. I need time to be
Speaker:outside. I love the quote that says nature
Speaker:rightsizes our world. You know, we go outside, and
Speaker:suddenly we are so so small, and our
Speaker:problems become smaller, and our perspective shifts.
Speaker:That's important for me, and I know it is for a lot of people. We
Speaker:love to go camping. So in the summertime, that's always an important part of our
Speaker:summer. We go for a couple weekends. We go camping. We live by
Speaker:Georgian Bay, so we go out on the bay. We get, like, a Crownland spot.
Speaker:It's beautiful. It's absolutely breathtaking out there. Just being
Speaker:surrounded by giant skies and
Speaker:forests and water, it's very therapeutic for me.
Speaker:And I I just find it it gives me a chance to just breathe,
Speaker:I guess. Deep breathing is just one of those practical,
Speaker:my kids tell me all the time. It doesn't work for me, mom. But
Speaker:I promise you, keep keep trying with your kids and keep trying with
Speaker:yourself. Like, it's scientifically proven when we breathe and
Speaker:just learn how to breathe properly and relax the muscles in our
Speaker:neck, in our shoulders, our facial muscles, all the way down
Speaker:to the soles of our feet. It can change how we're able to
Speaker:think, how we're able to process, just to be able to bring some clarity to
Speaker:those moments when we're overwhelmed and overstimulated.
Speaker:Journaling, mindfulness. I know that's kind of a a
Speaker:hot topic word right now in society. But mindfulness is just paying
Speaker:attention to where you are right now and what's going on
Speaker:in this moment. And, again, I think it's such a
Speaker:biblical practice to just slow down and just
Speaker:realize, like, there are so many things that I'm worrying about
Speaker:and anxious about that are out of my control. There's nothing I can do
Speaker:about them. But what I can do is make good choices
Speaker:right now in this moment. And I can notice what's around me. I
Speaker:can practice gratitude for the things that are
Speaker:beautiful and good in this world. And the
Speaker:beautiful thing is, as Christians, we can ask our creator
Speaker:how he thinks of us as his created beings. And that's
Speaker:part of mindfulness as as believers, I believe. Yes. Thank you so
Speaker:much for so many beautiful insights and
Speaker:another great conversation. Thanks for coming on, Alicia. Thanks for having
Speaker:me back. I loved it. Thank you for joining another
Speaker:conversation on Journey with Care, where we inspire
Speaker:curious Canadians on their path of faith and living life with
Speaker:purpose in community. Journey with Care is an initiative of Care
Speaker:Impact, a Canadian charity dedicated to connecting and equipping the
Speaker:whole church to journey well in community. You can visit their website
Speaker:at careimpact. Ca, or visit journey with care. Ca to get
Speaker:more information on weekly episodes, Journey with Prayer, and details
Speaker:about our upcoming events and meetups. You can also leave us a
Speaker:message, share your thoughts, and connect with like minded individuals
Speaker:who are on their own journeys of faith and purpose. Thank you for
Speaker:sharing this podcast and helping these stories reach the community. Together,
Speaker:we can explore ways to journey in a good way. And always
Speaker:remember to stay curious.
