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Living Fearless: Overcome Self-Doubt and Fear of Failure With Fletcher Ellingson
Episode 3030th May 2023 • Unshakable Habits • Stephen Box
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Episode Summary

In this inspiring episode, Fletcher Ellison, speaker, coach, and creator of the practice of feeling good, joins Stephen Box to discuss how he used a 100-day rejection experiment to overcome self-doubt and his fear of failure. They delve into specific examples of Fletcher's groundbreaking 100-Day Rejection Experiment, lessons that he learned, and how it helped him rewire his mindset for success.

Fletcher shares his journey of pushing himself to the edge of his comfort zone and how this has opened up a world of opportunities that he would have never received otherwise. They discuss the importance of cultivating courage, re-envisioning what is possible, and practicing courageous living in order to make a lasting impact.

Don't miss this life-changing conversation with Fletcher Ellison, as he shares practical strategies for breaking through limiting beliefs and unlocking your full potential.

https://www.unshakablehabits.com/fletcher-ellingson

Key Topics

  • The Unshakable Habits Framework
  • Fletcher's 100-Day Rejection Challenge
  • Rewiring the way we view fear
  • The power of becoming a master asker
  • Defining success beyond achievement 

Guest Links

Fletcherellingson.com

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Transcripts

Stephen Box:

Welcome to the Unshakable Habits Podcast.

Stephen Box:

I'm your host Stephen Box.

Stephen Box:

Have you ever found yourself not taking action out of fear?

Stephen Box:

Have you ever had that inner voice tell you you're not good enough, that your

Stephen Box:

ideas are stupid, that you're going to look ridiculous if you do this?

Stephen Box:

Well, this week's episode is going to be for you.

Stephen Box:

But this week's episode was also for me.

Stephen Box:

Allow me to explain.

Stephen Box:

You see, I recorded this interview with my guest, Fletcher,

Stephen Box:

about a year and a half ago.

Stephen Box:

Between the changes to the podcast, the change to my focus and my

Stephen Box:

business on really helping men, I had some things slip to the cracks.

Stephen Box:

Now, I don't like to admit that, but it's the truth.

Stephen Box:

And one of those things was this episode, it somehow got buried into a folder.

Stephen Box:

And I just realized a couple weeks ago that it never got published.

Stephen Box:

And my first thought was, oh, I should totally go publish this because why not?

Stephen Box:

But as soon as I said that, the thoughts started coming in.

Stephen Box:

Yeah, this is like a year and a half old.

Stephen Box:

It's gonna be kind of awkward to reach out and say, Hey Fletcher, guess what?

Stephen Box:

I know we recorded our interview a year and a half ago, but I'm finally

Stephen Box:

getting around to publishing it.

Stephen Box:

And it was awkward, but I still did it right?

Stephen Box:

And I started thinking about, well, what if fletcher doesn't still

Stephen Box:

agree with the things that he said.

Stephen Box:

What if I don't agree with the things that I said?

Stephen Box:

What if my production value has improved so much that people laugh

Stephen Box:

at how bad the video quality is, which by the way, you might, because.

Stephen Box:

I was like, man, did I not have lights back then?

Stephen Box:

I mean, if you guys are watching on YouTube, you know what I'm talking

Stephen Box:

about when you get ready to see the, the interview portion of this video.

Stephen Box:

But you know what, none of that mattered because at the end of the

Stephen Box:

day, what I had to convince myself of was it was value in this interview.

Stephen Box:

And the reason I know that is because I decided to go back and

Stephen Box:

listen to the interview myself.

Stephen Box:

And I gotta tell you guys, after listening to Fletcher, listening

Stephen Box:

to our conversation, I knew I had to let go of all my concerns.

Stephen Box:

I had to let go of my fears.

Stephen Box:

I had to let go of worrying about looking good, and I had to embrace

Stephen Box:

getting this message out there because it is such a powerful message.

Stephen Box:

So if you guys have had those doubts, and I think most of us have, if not

Stephen Box:

all of us, Please take the 50 minutes today to listen to this interview.

Stephen Box:

I promise it will change your perspective, and if you take action on

Stephen Box:

what we talk about in this interview, it will also change your entire life.

Stephen Box:

So with that, interview coming your way right after this brief intro.

Podcast Intro:

Are you ready to break free from your old habits and create a better

Podcast Intro:

life for yourself and those around you?

Podcast Intro:

If so, welcome to Unshakable Habits, the podcast dedicated to helping

Podcast Intro:

men be better husbands, fathers, and leaders by prioritizing their

Podcast Intro:

physical and mental wellbeing.

Podcast Intro:

Each week we'll look at health from a 360 degree perspective with

Podcast Intro:

inspiring stories and practical strategies for building Unshakable

Podcast Intro:

habits that'll transform your life.

Podcast Intro:

Join Stephen Box, a board certified health and wellness coach, and

Podcast Intro:

let's change the world together.

Podcast Intro:

One habit at a time.

Stephen Box:

Welcome to the Unshakable Podcast.

Stephen Box:

I'm your host Stephen Box, and today I'm joined by Fletcher Ellingson.

Stephen Box:

Fletcher, thanks for joining me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

:

Hey, I'm delighted to be

Stephen Box:

here.

Stephen Box:

So Fletcher, we're gonna dive into a little bit about your story and a

Stephen Box:

very unique experiment that you did.

Stephen Box:

first I wanted to let people know just a little bit about who you are.

Stephen Box:

sure.

Stephen Box:

So you're a speaker, you're a coach, and you are also the creator

Stephen Box:

of the practice of feeling good.

Stephen Box:

And yeah, I, I think the way you've really described this to me that sets it up

Stephen Box:

beautifully is you help people to kind of like, Think, think differently to really

Stephen Box:

get out of their own way, so to speak.

Stephen Box:

Because so many of us do struggle with this, and I think

Stephen Box:

this is such a timely topic.

Stephen Box:

you know, who knows, maybe years or decades from now, people will

Stephen Box:

be listening to this interview and.

Stephen Box:

2020 will be a distant memory, but as of right now, we are going into the

Stephen Box:

winter of 2021 and we're like in the year 17 of this, two year pandemic.

Stephen Box:

So I, I think people hearing how to feel good is going to be a great

Fletcher Ellingson:

topic for everybody.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Absolutely.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Absolutely.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I can't wait to share and dive into the discussion.

Stephen Box:

So real quick, before we do dive into that, I want to as always remind

Stephen Box:

people of the Unshakable Habits framework.

Stephen Box:

So if you're new to the show, the way the framework is going to help you is

Stephen Box:

going to let you take Fletcher story and kind of apply it back to your own life.

Stephen Box:

So this isn't a, you know, seven steps that you have to repeat.

Stephen Box:

Exactly.

Stephen Box:

This is more of a guideline and, and that's why it's so flexible.

Stephen Box:

So the first part of that is having a vision.

Stephen Box:

Now, visions are different than goals.

Stephen Box:

Not saying that you can't have goals, but goals are outcome based.

Stephen Box:

Visions are really about who do you want to become as a person?

Stephen Box:

How do you think, how do you talk, how do you act?

Stephen Box:

That's what a vision is about.

Stephen Box:

And then in order to establish that vision, a lot of times we need to

Stephen Box:

develop certain skills cause we may not have the skills we need

Stephen Box:

to become that person just yet.

Stephen Box:

And then of course, in order to develop those skills, you need to take actions

Stephen Box:

or as Fletcher calls them practices.

Stephen Box:

And this is because they are something that is repeated

Stephen Box:

over and over and over again.

Stephen Box:

So that is what you wanna be on the lookout for today as

Stephen Box:

you hear Fletcher's story.

Stephen Box:

But Fletcher, we're gonna maybe dive a little bit into

Stephen Box:

your past later in the show.

Stephen Box:

Cause I usually like to start off where people were in their low

Stephen Box:

point, because I find that that's usually where the vision comes from.

Stephen Box:

But, I want to talk about this very interesting experiment you did first.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

The rejection experiment.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That would be the one.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So this was, you know, it, well, this was a year long experiment.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and I'll just give you a brief history of why I did this.

Fletcher Ellingson:

for, 15 or 16 years, I was, I had helped build a multimillion dollar business,

Fletcher Ellingson:

in the tech industry, and it put me in front of audiences all over the country.

Fletcher Ellingson:

as a speaker, I was traveling around speaking to entrepreneurs and, and

Fletcher Ellingson:

helping them, in a number of things to do with tech, but also mindset.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I had the wonderful opportunity to.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Interact with literally thousands of entrepreneurs on a regular basis, and I

Fletcher Ellingson:

became very good at identifying patterns.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And was just noticing like the same things happening over and over, hearing the

Fletcher Ellingson:

same things happening over and over for these entrepreneurs and I've always been

Fletcher Ellingson:

into, self-improvement, self evolution, and, you know, reading lots of stuff.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so it was just all, it was a wonderful environment for me to really

Fletcher Ellingson:

connect the dots in a, in a bigger way.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And then, so I found myself doing a lot of coaching, with these

Fletcher Ellingson:

clients and, and I really love the, the, the coaching experience.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so, I decided cuz I've always been involved in coaching in one capacity

Fletcher Ellingson:

or another, like having personal coaches and I finally decided it's

Fletcher Ellingson:

something that I wanna do full-time.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so I took the leap and, left that business, a number of

Fletcher Ellingson:

years ago, to do this full-time.

Fletcher Ellingson:

But the rejection experiment came into play because I really

Fletcher Ellingson:

wanna play a big game in my life.

Fletcher Ellingson:

The game that I'm going to play it demands a lot of me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It demands me showing up, more powerfully than I ever have shown up in my life.

Fletcher Ellingson:

to do what I want to do.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I have to be another version of myself, and I'm, so, I'm constantly evolving.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And the one thing that I was noticing that was holding me back was my

Fletcher Ellingson:

fear of rejection, asking, you know, I want to become a master asker.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And what I mean by that is I want to be able to make any

Fletcher Ellingson:

request of anyone at any time.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Without being stopped by fear.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so I, heard about this other, guy who did something, and it really inspired me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so I, I'm gonna do something very much like that.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So I took on, I call it the rejection experiment, and where a year where

Fletcher Ellingson:

I, putting myself into ridiculous situations where I would make audacious,

Fletcher Ellingson:

requests of people that would almost.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Surely result in them rejecting me or saying no.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And there, and there were very few rules, but the one of the rules was I couldn't

Fletcher Ellingson:

tell anybody in my personal life like, Hey, I'm gonna go do this experiment.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Watch me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It couldn't be like to impress anybody.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And the second thing is I couldn't tell the people that I was, interacting with.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I couldn't tell them this was an experiment either.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And the third thing is it really had to make me nervous.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It had to make me uncomfortable.

Fletcher Ellingson:

The ask preferably would be making me sweat and shake.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, so, so that's what I did.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And those were the rules.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I had no idea what to expect, but I can tell you this Stephen, it was a game

Fletcher Ellingson:

changer for me and I'll never forget it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I highly recommend it to any entrepreneur who really wants to get

Fletcher Ellingson:

beyond, their, their fear and step into courage and practice courageous living.

Stephen Box:

So we're gonna dive into some of the specific examples

Stephen Box:

of things that you did for that.

Stephen Box:

But I wanna maybe back up a little bit first.

Stephen Box:

So you, you talked about how you started to realize you had this fear of rejection,

Stephen Box:

and this is something that I think a lot of people can relate to, right?

Stephen Box:

Because yeah, a lot of us, it starts with that inner voice of, I'm not good enough.

Stephen Box:

You know, why would anybody do anything for me?

Stephen Box:

And I know when we had did our pre-interview, you talked a little bit

Stephen Box:

about that with yourself, where you know, a lot of times it was like, well,

Stephen Box:

I didn't want to ask people for stuff because I didn't think they would do it,

Stephen Box:

or I didn't think I deserved it, or I felt like I was maybe bothering people or Yes.

Stephen Box:

Or whatever the case was.

Stephen Box:

So talk to us maybe a little bit about where did that fear of rejection, or at

Stephen Box:

least you may not know exactly, but where do you think that might have came from

Fletcher Ellingson:

for you?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So I mean, I'm assuming it came from my childhood, I'm assuming multiple places.

Fletcher Ellingson:

One, it was modeled for me,

Fletcher Ellingson:

We don't ask people for people for help, right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So that was probably modeled for me well, because I've always been taught

Fletcher Ellingson:

like, Hey, you gotta do it all yourself.

Fletcher Ellingson:

asking for help is a sign of weakness.

Fletcher Ellingson:

you know, you gotta pull yourself up by your own bootstraps

Fletcher Ellingson:

there and make it happen.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So that was, so, you know, really Stephen.

Fletcher Ellingson:

it's a great question because it, as just as I'm processing this now,

Fletcher Ellingson:

it comes back to my curriculum, the practice of feeling good.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So I was not practiced at it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'm just like, am I getting this right now?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like I was, I was so practiced at being self-sufficient that.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I was completely un practiced at making requests, asking for help.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and, and I'm not even saying even big help.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'm just saying help in general.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like if if it was something that had to be done, my thinking was I should do it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I should take care of it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and that really, and again, that's exactly what gets in the way of so many

Fletcher Ellingson:

entrepreneurs growing their business and doing what they really want to do.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Because they think, oh, I gotta do it all myself.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

I love the fact that you, that you gave that reframe there, because I

Stephen Box:

think some people could listen to the initial statement of like, Hey, you

Stephen Box:

know, I wanted to become a master asker.

Stephen Box:

I wanted to go out and, you know, ask audacious things to people.

Stephen Box:

And people could take that and, and read it as, Oh, you know, you're, you're just

Stephen Box:

trying to get people to do stuff, right?

Stephen Box:

Mm-hmm.

Stephen Box:

And that clearly wasn't what you were after.

Stephen Box:

Your goal here was, this was about you.

Stephen Box:

This was an internal battle that you were fighting to really make yourself

Stephen Box:

have to rely on other people and not try to do everything on your own.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

And the only way you can do that is you have to go out and

Stephen Box:

learn to ask people for help.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Exactly, and exactly, and I want, and I wanted

Fletcher Ellingson:

to set it up so that they would most likely say no, so that I could

Fletcher Ellingson:

confront this fear of rejection.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so I could get like, so desensitized to it and, and, in an effect, right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like, yeah, like, so if they said no, it was no problem.

Fletcher Ellingson:

that's how I want, that's the point that I wanted to reach.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah,

Stephen Box:

it something else you said in there that just stood out to me because

Stephen Box:

I actually just did another interview a little bit before sitting down to do

Stephen Box:

this one with you and something that she commented on, cuz we were talking about

Stephen Box:

a similar subject and one of the things she commented on was in school she did

Stephen Box:

really well and everything you do in school is you, everything is on you.

Stephen Box:

Looking at someone else's paper is considered cheating.

Stephen Box:

Yet when you get out into business and you get out into the real world,

Stephen Box:

we now call that collaborating.

Stephen Box:

I love that.

Stephen Box:

We take people that just naturally know how to do it, although our entire

Stephen Box:

life we've been told stop cheating by looking at other people's papers.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Oh, that's so, that's such a great, twist on that subject.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So,

Stephen Box:

so yeah, I just, I had to bring that up cause I was like, Like,

Stephen Box:

I literally just had this conversation.

Stephen Box:

Yeah, yeah.

Stephen Box:

Which, when you have two people that I've never met have the same

Stephen Box:

conversation, I think that just validates the idea even more so.

Stephen Box:

So yeah.

Stephen Box:

Really.

Stephen Box:

So, so talk to me about some of the examples of some of the things

Stephen Box:

that you did as part of this.

Stephen Box:

Cause I, I want to make sure that people are hearing this.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

When you talk about big things.

Stephen Box:

That doesn't necessarily mean that you're going and asking people

Stephen Box:

for some super outrageous thing.

Stephen Box:

You're not going to people going, Hey, gimme a million dollars.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right, right, right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So it's what's scary to you.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yes, exactly.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It's a big, it's a big deal to me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So, yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'll give you a couple examples.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So one, to, to those listening with is going to sound like

Fletcher Ellingson:

it's a very small thing.

Fletcher Ellingson:

but.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It scared the hell outta me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, it was, and what I did was I was in a coffee shop and I decided that I was

Fletcher Ellingson:

going to ask somebody, a complete stranger to have a staring contest with me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Now, what's interesting about this experiment is soon as I would come up with

Fletcher Ellingson:

the next rejection experiment, my mind.

Fletcher Ellingson:

The chatter in my mind would just like, it was fierce.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It was just like activated, and it would, and so I remember like thinking

Fletcher Ellingson:

about like, okay, I'm gonna ask somebody to have a staring contest

Fletcher Ellingson:

with the complete stranger, and my mind immediately would say this, oh, that's

Fletcher Ellingson:

kind of a lame rejection experiment.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Can't you think of a better one?

Fletcher Ellingson:

that one doesn't sound very exciting or it's not very fearful.

Fletcher Ellingson:

so I would have this conversation in my mind and I realized like,

Fletcher Ellingson:

wow, that's not even me thinking.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It, my mind is on autopilot.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It's just those thoughts are just coming without my approval,

Fletcher Ellingson:

without my permission, you know?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, and so it, my mind almost talked me out of not doing this

Fletcher Ellingson:

because of the message I was getting.

Fletcher Ellingson:

But then I, then I caught it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I was like, hold on a second.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That's just resistance.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That is totally the thing that's been running me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That's why, that's why I'm doing this whole thing.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So I saw the person, there was only one person, in the, in the coffee shop that

Fletcher Ellingson:

was sitting down at that, at that moment.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So I got my coffee and was heading over to do this.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I was gonna sit down, I walked over and just before I got to her, I

Fletcher Ellingson:

turned my direction just slightly and walked out of the door and out of

Fletcher Ellingson:

the restaurant, at the coffee shop.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I got into my car cuz I was my heart.

Fletcher Ellingson:

My heart was pounding and I got into the car.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I started driving away.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Got to the stop sign and I just stopped and I was like, oh my gosh, I just

Fletcher Ellingson:

totally chickened out of doing that.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I was like, this is exactly why, because all I'm doing is

Fletcher Ellingson:

asking for another person if they're willing to stare into my eyes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And and so I thought I gotta go back and I gotta do it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So I drove around the block parked and I got outta the car and.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Went back in the coffee shop, saw the person, walked over to her, sat

Fletcher Ellingson:

down, and I said, Hey, do you mind if I interrupt you for a second?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And she looked up and said, no, what's up?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I said, Hey, I was wondering if you would be willing to

Fletcher Ellingson:

have a staring contest with me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, she, and she said, what most people do when I ask them these

Fletcher Ellingson:

crazy things, they either say what, or they'll repeat what I said.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So, you know, she said, what?

Fletcher Ellingson:

I said, I was wondering if you'd have a, a staring contest with me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And she thought about it and said, sure, I guess.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so we sat down, we had a staring contest.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I said, 1, 2, 3, first person to blink, loses.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I said, 1, 2, 3, go.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And we had the staring contest and, and I, and then it was over.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I felt this sense of massive relief that I didn't die because

Fletcher Ellingson:

my, you know, cuz all that fear and adrenaline was telling me like, Hey,

Fletcher Ellingson:

whatever you're about to do, it seems scary, you're probably gonna die.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And the good news is, the staring contest didn't kill me and she didn't reject me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

She actually said yes.

Stephen Box:

I'm sure that she's sitting there thinking like, this

Stephen Box:

has got to be the absolute worst pickup line I've ever heard.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, exactly.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So, so I'm curious,

Stephen Box:

like, did you actually tell her afterwards that there

Fletcher Ellingson:

was so on that one, she, did ask and I, and I explained it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

but so the rule is if they ask, I can tell them.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I don't volunteer the information and I don't tell them ahead of time,

Fletcher Ellingson:

cuz then it would make it too easy.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Cause then they feel almost obligated to do it just

Fletcher Ellingson:

because you told them it's an experiment.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

But so, so that, so that was a very, that was a big one to

Fletcher Ellingson:

me cuz it scared me so much.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Cuz there was something about that intimacy of just sitting down

Fletcher Ellingson:

and staring into a person's eyes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It's like, cuz it breaks all sort of community boundaries that we have.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like, Hey, you don't stare at people in the eye for too long.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

If you lock eyes with somebody, usually for a second, and then you,

Fletcher Ellingson:

and then you stop looking at them.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So there was, I was, I was breaking some sort of boundary.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and so that, and therefore I was so uncomfortable.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I'll give you just one more example too, because before,

Stephen Box:

before you do that, I want to just point out something that, yeah.

Stephen Box:

It was interesting too, is you've mentioned how your initial

Stephen Box:

thought when you thought of this idea was, well, that's stupid.

Stephen Box:

That's lame.

Stephen Box:

That's not even scary.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

Yet it was so scary.

Stephen Box:

In fact, yes.

Stephen Box:

If you got in the car

Fletcher Ellingson:

and drove off.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That was my mind trying to trick me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I mean, it, it knows me so well.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like it was like, oh, if we just start saying all this chatter, it'll

Fletcher Ellingson:

will fool Fletcher and he'll give up.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

That's like, that sounds dangerous.

Stephen Box:

Let's not

Fletcher Ellingson:

do that, Fletcher, because Yes.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Who knows?

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

I think, I think people may or may not know this, but our brains basically

Stephen Box:

sense any level of discomfort or fear.

Stephen Box:

On the same level as a big event.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

So it doesn't matter if it's something as small as asking somebody to have a

Stephen Box:

staring contest with you, or if it's being chased by a shark in the ocean.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

Your brain thinks of it the same way, and your body reacts the

Stephen Box:

same way, and for you, your fight or flight response kicked in.

Stephen Box:

And it was flight.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And it was flight, and I, and I fled.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

fleeing Fletcher.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, exactly.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, yeah, it's so interesting.

Fletcher Ellingson:

so that's what the whole, that's what I'm trying to, to,

Fletcher Ellingson:

to rewire my nervous system.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'm trying to rewire.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'm not trying, I am, I'm rewiring my nervous system and my thinking.

Fletcher Ellingson:

In order to produce radical results in my life that I didn't ha have

Fletcher Ellingson:

access to producing, previously.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and I'll give you another example because that was a, that was like a, a

Fletcher Ellingson:

big one, but a small, on a small scale.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, so I'll give you another example.

Fletcher Ellingson:

My wife and I, were flying down to Maza Lawn, for vacation, and we were gonna go

Fletcher Ellingson:

down there to this nice resort and for a week and just have a lot of fun just

Fletcher Ellingson:

chilling out on the, and on the plane.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I real, and I.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I knew it well, I'm gonna have to do some rejection experiments, even

Fletcher Ellingson:

while I'm down there in Mexico.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'm not taking, I'm not taking time off from that cause I'm

Fletcher Ellingson:

really creating momentum.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So on the plane I was like, well, what could I do down there at this resort?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so on the plane, I, I, I decided that when we get there,

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'm gonna find the manager who is in charge of selling timeshares

Fletcher Ellingson:

to, to the tourists at this place.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so, and I said I'm going to see, I'm gonna make the request

Fletcher Ellingson:

and see if they will let me come in and be a guest speaker to their, to

Fletcher Ellingson:

their agents, who sell timeshares.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Now why would they do this?

Fletcher Ellingson:

They don't know me from Adam.

Fletcher Ellingson:

You know, I, I have, I don't speak Spanish.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I don't know how many agents they have.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I don't know when their meeting is, but I was gonna go make a request.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So I went and asked who the manager was, found, Mario.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I said, Hey Mario, can I have, 10 minutes of your time?

Fletcher Ellingson:

I wanna talk to you about something.

Fletcher Ellingson:

if it goes beyond 10 minutes, you know it's on you, but I

Fletcher Ellingson:

just take up 10 minutes no more.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And he said, sure.

Fletcher Ellingson:

so anyways, I told him what I do.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, and I, I said I would love to come and speak with your agents and, have

Fletcher Ellingson:

a fun day of, of kind of doing some mindset work and, 10 minutes stretch

Fletcher Ellingson:

into 15, 20, 25, and just before the half hour is up, he said, you know what?

Fletcher Ellingson:

I would love to have you come on Wednesday morning and speak to my agents.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And in fact, not only do I want to be here, I'm gonna make it mandatory

Fletcher Ellingson:

for all 50 of them to show up.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I was like, wow, that's cool.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So Wednesday morning came.

Fletcher Ellingson:

My wife and I went there.

Fletcher Ellingson:

We had just a fun time of, of conversation with all these people and

Fletcher Ellingson:

I led 'em through some cool exercises.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I performed some magic for them cause I'm a longtime magician.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and we just had a wonderful time in the, during the rest of the stay, I'd

Fletcher Ellingson:

see those people around the resort.

Fletcher Ellingson:

We'd high five and then they found out that my wife is a family physician

Fletcher Ellingson:

and we, and we hold these seminars for health, creating health in, your life.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And they said, is there any chance that Amy would want to come, one

Fletcher Ellingson:

morning and just talk about the benefits of, of healthy eating?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Healthy living?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Because he wanted his agents to be in, you know, in really good, condition and

Fletcher Ellingson:

he wanted him to have this information.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So we ended up going back and she ended up, doing about a half hour

Fletcher Ellingson:

presentation to the agents as well.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And this was all because I was willing to get uncomfortable.

Fletcher Ellingson:

so this was all, this all happened.

Fletcher Ellingson:

This incredible opportunity happened because I was willing to make an audacious

Fletcher Ellingson:

request that I thought was a for sure.

Fletcher Ellingson:

No.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like, they were not gonna say yes to this.

Fletcher Ellingson:

But it enriched our trip and we made a lot of great connections.

Stephen Box:

So something that kind of comes to mind is, I'm listening

Stephen Box:

to you tell these stories is, well two things that come to mind.

Stephen Box:

So one, where do you come up with these ideas?

Stephen Box:

Like, I don't even, I don't even know if I would've thought of doing

Fletcher Ellingson:

that.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, that's a great question.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I actually, I, I just started brainstorming a list.

Fletcher Ellingson:

in my journal and, and, criteria was just like, Does it seem ridiculous?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Does it make me uncomfortable to think about doing it?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And if it met those two things, I was like, okay, I'll, I'll add it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

You know, one, one of the fun ones was I asked a bank, which is a, they,

Fletcher Ellingson:

you are, sometimes you're driving through town and you'll see on the,

Fletcher Ellingson:

side of old buildings, these, the yellow fallout shelter signs, you know?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

For, for nuclear, war, there's all sorts of them in big cities, and I always

Fletcher Ellingson:

saw them and we had one in our town.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so one of my rejection experiments actually was the very first one.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I said, it's in this bank.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I thought, I wonder if there really is a fallout shelter down there.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And yeah, you, you go into a bank and you know, you never, you

Fletcher Ellingson:

can't, there's no public bathrooms cuz everything's off limits.

Fletcher Ellingson:

You, you can't go back into the, sacred area of the bank.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I went up there, and I said, Hey, can we help you?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I was like, well, I don't have anything business to conduct you today,

Fletcher Ellingson:

but I'd just like to know if I could get a tour of the fallout shelter.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, the teller was like, What?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And it's like, I just want, yeah, I noticed there's a fallout shelter

Fletcher Ellingson:

sign on the, on this building.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Is there a fallout shelter below us?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And if so, could I take a tour?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And she started laughing.

Fletcher Ellingson:

She said, oh my gosh, no one has ever asked that before.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so she went over to the manager's desk and I saw them talking.

Fletcher Ellingson:

The manager started laughing and the manager came over.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And said, you want to go see the fallout shelter?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I said, yeah, if, if there is one.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And she said, well come back after lunch, cuz I got a meeting and then

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'll be happy to take you down there.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So I went, I went back after lunch and I got a tour of the Fallout

Fletcher Ellingson:

shelter, which was totally legit.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Stephen.

Fletcher Ellingson:

They even took, they even had a box and they let me open it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

They were two brand new.

Fletcher Ellingson:

yellow, bright yellow Geiger counters from the fifties that were still

Fletcher Ellingson:

down there they'd never been used.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I got a, and they, and I said, can I have a picture

Fletcher Ellingson:

of myself with these things?

Fletcher Ellingson:

So I got, took a picture of 'em and it was just so, such a cool thing

Fletcher Ellingson:

to see like, how about was set up?

Fletcher Ellingson:

You know, they've repurposed for some of, for storage, but some of,

Fletcher Ellingson:

they still had beds down there.

Fletcher Ellingson:

They had boxes of unopened stuff and the Geiger counters.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So yeah, it was a really fun experience.

Stephen Box:

So one thing I that I I wanted to ask you is when

Stephen Box:

you're doing these things Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Like I, I think people might hear some of these and might be like, okay,

Stephen Box:

this, you know, cool stories, right.

Stephen Box:

But what's really the purpose?

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

And, and I kind of have an idea because I know.

Stephen Box:

From a health perspective, I know when people start eating better, I

Stephen Box:

know when they start exercising, when they start developing those healthy

Stephen Box:

habits, I know what that turns into.

Stephen Box:

And I also know when people start changing the way they view money,

Stephen Box:

how that can help their finances and the way they, they change, the way

Stephen Box:

they view their relationship, that can help improve their relationship.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

But one thing that, that you've said is by doing this, it's actually kind of helped

Stephen Box:

you in different areas and what you are able to coach other people on helps them

Stephen Box:

improve all these different areas too.

Stephen Box:

So yes, kind of help people to under put that connection together.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Let me get you a, a very, tangible

Fletcher Ellingson:

example, of one of my clients.

Fletcher Ellingson:

One of my clients, was a real estate agent or is a real estate

Fletcher Ellingson:

agent, and she was stopped by fear.

Fletcher Ellingson:

She was stopped by fear of rejection.

Fletcher Ellingson:

There was an, there was a potential, client that she

Fletcher Ellingson:

wanted to have as a client.

Fletcher Ellingson:

he wasn't a client yet.

Fletcher Ellingson:

but she knew this person in the community and she wanted to do business with him.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, but it was stopped by fear.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like, I don't want to cold call him and just ask if he wants to list his house.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so we had an hour conversation about this thing called fear.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And this other thing called courage and, and re-envisioning what is possible.

Fletcher Ellingson:

instead of just focusing on the story of her fear.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And after that hour long conversation, she hung up the

Fletcher Ellingson:

phone, she'd made a commitment.

Fletcher Ellingson:

She was gonna call that person right after she hung up the phone.

Fletcher Ellingson:

She checked back in with me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

you know, about an hour later said, I called him.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I have a meeting with him.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So she got this meeting.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Long story short, that meeting.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Ended up being a listing for her.

Fletcher Ellingson:

When she sold that listing, after the, commission was split,

Fletcher Ellingson:

her side of it was $35,000.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So that ability to re-envision what was possible for her and walk

Fletcher Ellingson:

through that fear netted her $35,000.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So for me, the value is getting past this fear of objection is allowing

Fletcher Ellingson:

me to do the, to do the things that I need to do to grow my business and not

Fletcher Ellingson:

just make money, but to make an impact.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Because who I am in this world is a clearing for people to feel safe.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Heard and empowered and if I want to live into that vision, you know, fully, I have

Fletcher Ellingson:

to be able to put myself in uncomfortable positions and ask people hard questions

Fletcher Ellingson:

and take chances and risks so that I can make the biggest impact that I can make.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, yeah.

Stephen Box:

It's, it's difficult to have an impact.

Stephen Box:

If you are constantly making yourself smaller than you are,

Fletcher Ellingson:

absolutely.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And Stephen, you just nailed it right there.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Because I've been a confident person for most of my life.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I play some big games, but the vision that I have in my head demands that I

Fletcher Ellingson:

evolve to that next stage of who I am.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I can't get the result that I want where I am right now.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Now it, I'm, I'm a work in progress.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

but this is part of the work is becoming desensitized to the fear

Fletcher Ellingson:

story and instead practicing courage.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Practicing re-envisioning what's possible and having it so inspiring that it,

Fletcher Ellingson:

that it pulls me, draws me into action.

Stephen Box:

So, one thing I want to ask you real quick here is I don't

Stephen Box:

wanna give people the impression, just everything is, is perfect with this.

Stephen Box:

Like, you just, like, you go out, you come up with an idea, you go out, and then

Stephen Box:

everybody just says yes to you, right?

Stephen Box:

So can you give me an example of a time where somebody said no?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, absolutely.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I asked a, a person in a coffee shop again, if, if I could

Fletcher Ellingson:

change the ringer on his phone.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and I said, Hey, and, and you can change the ringer on my phone.

Fletcher Ellingson:

he didn't, he was just like, flat out, nope, not interested.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and when I asked him why, He said, this is probably, he says, I don't wanna

Fletcher Ellingson:

get punked, or whatever he called it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I don't want to get, I don't like practical jokes being pulled on me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I was like, okay, great.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Got it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

so it's not like I need to debate or be right or, you know, it's like, oh, got it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Okay.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Cool.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Or the, one of the ones that really frightened me was when

Fletcher Ellingson:

I went into a, a mortuary.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And asked if I could test drive the coffins.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like so if I, I, if I could lay down in them and test drive them, so to speak.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, the, the guy was like, no, absolutely not.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So, so I was like, okay, got it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

No problem.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

so there, so there's been an, an, actually oh yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I had, somebody deliver a piece of furniture and, or come in to

Fletcher Ellingson:

take measurements for furniture.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I can't remember exactly now, but, After she was done, I said, oh, hey,

Fletcher Ellingson:

would you mind measuring me on my wall?

Fletcher Ellingson:

We have a wall here, in my bedroom on the doorframe where we've me

Fletcher Ellingson:

measured all our kids and stuff.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I said, Hey, would you mind just measuring me real quick and real?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And she was like, no.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I get it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like, why I'm, here's a strange man asking her to do something

Fletcher Ellingson:

weird in, in, in her bedroom.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like, I totally get it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, but I'm do, but I'm pushing myself.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, to become, because I also get that they're not rejecting

Fletcher Ellingson:

me, they're rejecting my offer.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, and if you're in sales, if we're, if you're an entrepreneur,

Fletcher Ellingson:

we've gotta get past this thing.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Like, oh, they're not rejecting you.

Fletcher Ellingson:

They're simply rejecting the offer that you're extending and

Fletcher Ellingson:

it has nothing to do with you.

Stephen Box:

I'm glad that you actually brought that up because my follow up

Stephen Box:

question was gonna be, Do you have something that was like big enough that

Stephen Box:

you got the initial No, but that you then maybe tweaked and went back and redid it

Fletcher Ellingson:

later on?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, I had a couple of those.

Fletcher Ellingson:

none were really, impressive that I wanna take the time to share.

Fletcher Ellingson:

But I would say that I also have a television show.

Fletcher Ellingson:

My wife and I have a television show.

Fletcher Ellingson:

We film once a week.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It's a regional show.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And goes out to, like, I think it goes into, they have a reach of

Fletcher Ellingson:

like 50,000 people or something.

Fletcher Ellingson:

so it's a small show, which puts, we, we live in a small area, so,

Fletcher Ellingson:

but I wanted to have a television show, so I did this was, I treated it

Fletcher Ellingson:

just like the, rejection experiment.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I said, okay, this is my rejection experiment today.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'm gonna go, I, I'm gonna call up the people.

Fletcher Ellingson:

at, at first I couldn't get ahold of them, and finally I got ahold of

Fletcher Ellingson:

them and they said, sure, come on in.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And we had to sit down and their, their immediate answer was not yes or no.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It was, let's think about this and now.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So that put me in the position of following up.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I really didn't think they were gonna say yes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

but turns out after, it took them, about six weeks.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And finally they said, Hey, we wanna give this a shot.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So come down, we'll, we'll film a few episodes, and we'll see how it goes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, my wife and I, we just finished our, past our hundredth

Fletcher Ellingson:

episode a couple months ago.

Fletcher Ellingson:

so that would've never happened had I not, and I, and frankly, Stephen,

Fletcher Ellingson:

I don't know that I would've made that ask if I hadn't have done all

Fletcher Ellingson:

these other rejection experiments.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I may not have been ready to do that.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

So first of all, congratulations on the, hundredth episode.

Stephen Box:

It's a Thanks.

Stephen Box:

Big accomplishment.

Stephen Box:

Yeah, but you're, you're right.

Stephen Box:

It's, and, and I think that's kind of get to the core of, of the idea here, right?

Stephen Box:

Is that.

Stephen Box:

It's not about the size of the rejection, it's not about the rejection itself.

Stephen Box:

What you choose to do is kind of irrelevant.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

What it is, is a matter of building that repetition because yes, over

Stephen Box:

time your confidence grows, yes, you, you start to feel better.

Stephen Box:

And now not only are you going to be willing to make a bigger

Stephen Box:

ask that might get turned down.

Stephen Box:

But you start to take more chances.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

You start to open yourself up to more possibilities.

Stephen Box:

You start living with less

Stephen Box:

fear.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yes, absolutely.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I'm, I'm gonna give you this one more that was really recent.

Fletcher Ellingson:

when my wife and I were, renting a, a car down in California and they didn't

Fletcher Ellingson:

have a, the small version that we wanted, we just wanted something small.

Fletcher Ellingson:

they didn't have it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

They were out.

Fletcher Ellingson:

they were gonna upgrade us to, inner, intermediate or full size.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, we just said, well, how about a, how about a, convertible, would

Fletcher Ellingson:

you, would you consider upgrading us to a convertible for the same price?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And the guy stopped and he is like, I don't think we can do that.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And then he stopped again and he said, well, let me check.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And then he typed something on his computer.

Fletcher Ellingson:

He said, actually, we've got a convertible out in the back lot.

Fletcher Ellingson:

What the heck?

Fletcher Ellingson:

We'll do it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Same price.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Now, I wasn't trying to take advantage of, of, of this situation, but what

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'm realizing is if you ask, if, if you don't ask, you'll never get the yes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, and, and that's the, and that's the cool takeaway.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, and it's not about taking advantage of people, it's just like, like what

Fletcher Ellingson:

else is possible if we, if we ask?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Stephen Box:

Yeah, after we talked, when we did our pre-interview stuff,

Stephen Box:

I actually started making a list of people that I would like to interview.

Stephen Box:

I love it.

Stephen Box:

And not just like normal everyday people.

Stephen Box:

Because here's the funny thing, this is what I always tell people.

Stephen Box:

To me, interviewing strangers is the easiest thing in the world.

Stephen Box:

Because I'm just having a conversation with somebody that I'm just meeting.

Stephen Box:

Yes, and it's fun and it's exciting for me.

Stephen Box:

This is the easiest thing in the world.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

For other people, this would be the absolute scariest thing in the entire

Stephen Box:

world, but for me to sit down and interview people that I already know, or

Stephen Box:

for me to sit down and interview people that I look up to in one way or another.

Stephen Box:

Mm-hmm.

Stephen Box:

That's scary because now all of a sudden I feel like this pressure of like, oh,

Stephen Box:

what if this person actually came on and I gotta actually, you know, Do a good job.

Stephen Box:

Not, not that I'm like gonna do a bad job with strangers, but it just,

Stephen Box:

I feel now more pressure to do so.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

And so I was like, you know what?

Stephen Box:

I'm gonna start making a list of like, friends, mentors, celebrities, different

Stephen Box:

people that I want to actually bring on.

Stephen Box:

They haven't volunteered already to do this and just ask them to do this.

Stephen Box:

I love it.

Stephen Box:

So I haven't got, I haven't got any yeses outta my list yet.

Stephen Box:

I, I've started working through it.

Stephen Box:

I've done about three or four.

Stephen Box:

I haven't got any yeses yet.

Stephen Box:

But what I'm doing is every time that I'm getting either no

Stephen Box:

response or I'm getting a no.

Stephen Box:

I'm like, okay, what can I do a little bit differently?

Stephen Box:

Mm-hmm.

Stephen Box:

I'm using that outcome based decision making and I'm like, okay, how

Stephen Box:

could I tweak this a little bit?

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

How can I maybe follow back up with this person or how could I apply this to the

Stephen Box:

next person and, and maybe see if I can actually make this work and way to go.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

So see, so yeah, I just, I wanted to share that with you cuz you know, that's what I

Stephen Box:

did after our last conversation, so that's

Fletcher Ellingson:

so cool.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That's really inspiring.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I didn't tell

Stephen Box:

you about this beforehand, so, right.

Stephen Box:

Catching you off guard with

Fletcher Ellingson:

it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I love it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I love it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Very inspiring.

Stephen Box:

So, so one thing that, that I love about this idea that,

Stephen Box:

that you've kind of put out here of this rejection experiment is that

Stephen Box:

you could apply this in other ways.

Stephen Box:

So for you, your fear was about rejection.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

Other people may have other fears.

Stephen Box:

But you've also been able to take some of those other fears and wrap them into

Stephen Box:

this rejection experiment because it's not just about the possibility of someone

Stephen Box:

saying yes or no, it's about fear that somebody thinks that you're a weirdo.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

It's about, you know, that fear of like, you use the, the designer as a.

Stephen Box:

It's an example that might be a situation where it might make

Stephen Box:

someone else uncomfortable.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

And now you've gotta kind of deal with the internal discomfort of

Stephen Box:

knowing you might make someone

Fletcher Ellingson:

uncomfortable.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yes, yes, yes.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So you're, you're, you're getting to the different layers of this experiment.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and that, and that was part of the chatter in my head, like, oh, Fletcher, don't

Fletcher Ellingson:

make that request because that, that might make the other person feel uncomfortable.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And again, that was.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That was the, very clever automatic thinking of my mind to prevent

Fletcher Ellingson:

me, to, to get me to stay the same, to keep me the status quo.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

So, yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

you don't need to grow that much, Fletcher, just calm down a little bit.

Fletcher Ellingson:

You're, yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Everything's fine, right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Really good.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

And you know, it's interesting, I have a friend of mine who is also, a speaker.

Stephen Box:

He was doing a, a speech one day in our Toastmasters club that we were

Stephen Box:

a part of together, and he said, you know, it's funny because the human

Stephen Box:

species is the only species on the planet Earth that limits our growth.

Stephen Box:

It's like trees don't stop growing.

Stephen Box:

They don't go, I'm tall enough.

Stephen Box:

Right.

Stephen Box:

You know, cheetahs don't say I'm fast enough.

Stephen Box:

I, you know, I, I don't need to go hunt today.

Stephen Box:

You know, I, there'll be food tomorrow.

Stephen Box:

It'll be fine.

Stephen Box:

Right.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Right.

Stephen Box:

We're, we're the, we're the only species that limits our

Stephen Box:

ability to grow and to maximize

Fletcher Ellingson:

our potential.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It's such a, that's such a great point.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and again, it's.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so there's, and so what I always tell my clients too, it's like it's not

Fletcher Ellingson:

good, bad, right or wrong if you stay and stay where you're at, if you don't

Fletcher Ellingson:

grow, it's not good, bad, right or wrong.

Fletcher Ellingson:

The question is always, does it serve my life?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

And for me, I have an idea of what I want to do and the game that

Fletcher Ellingson:

I wanna play, and at what level.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I simply have to become somebody, different than I am today.

Fletcher Ellingson:

In order to hit that and make that impact.

Stephen Box:

So I wanna kind of back up really quick Yeah.

Stephen Box:

And talk about the moment before all this started, because I know you said

Stephen Box:

you kind of had that moment of reflection where you realized, Hey, I have this fear

Stephen Box:

of rejection that I need to overcome.

Stephen Box:

Mm-hmm.

Stephen Box:

What was that event that really helped you have that

Fletcher Ellingson:

realization?

Fletcher Ellingson:

it, it really was all around leaving.

Fletcher Ellingson:

A very comfortable and very well known career.

Fletcher Ellingson:

You know, the, the game I was playing back then, I could do it in

Fletcher Ellingson:

my sleep, and I was bored with it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It wasn't serving my life, in the way that it had originally.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and I, and it, I didn't feel like I was, it, it was not in alignment with

Fletcher Ellingson:

the vision that I had for my life.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Let's say it that way.

Fletcher Ellingson:

The, the money was good.

Fletcher Ellingson:

But it wasn't an alignment, it wasn't going to allow me to make the impact that

Fletcher Ellingson:

I really wanted to make and, and really Stephen, I just, I want to uplift others.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I don't mean that from like, oh, look at me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I just, I mean, I really do want to help people live, into the vision

Fletcher Ellingson:

that they have or, or discover a vision for themselves because so

Fletcher Ellingson:

many people don't have a vision.

Fletcher Ellingson:

You know, and when they do, life gets really exciting.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, and, and the only reason I'm at this point in my life is

Fletcher Ellingson:

because I've been blessed with so many mentors in my life, right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

I mean, I got into personal development early, but you know, I mean, all the, all

Fletcher Ellingson:

these people that I studied with over the years, I mean, I wouldn't be who I was.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I wouldn't have that knowledge if it weren't for people being willing to

Fletcher Ellingson:

share and make a difference for others.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I, and I just wanna pass that on and continue that.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

I tell people all the time, you know, you have to seek out other people if you

Stephen Box:

want to do anything because it, it can be so tempting when to do it on our own.

Stephen Box:

And in our heads, we think we can do it on our own, right?

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

But a lot of times it's, as you've pointed out today, it's not necessarily

Stephen Box:

that we think we can do it on our own.

Stephen Box:

That's our brains trying to keep us from going out and asking for

Fletcher Ellingson:

help.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yes, it is.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yes, it is.

Fletcher Ellingson:

You know, unfortunately my wife is, she's just like such an amazing supporter.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I mean, the, you know, I've always, I've had coaches and stuff, like I said,

Fletcher Ellingson:

for a lot in my life, but, a number of years ago, She, she wanted me to

Fletcher Ellingson:

sign up for this particular program.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I was like, babe, that's $25,000.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I've never ever spent that much money on a coaching program, and,

Fletcher Ellingson:

and I don't feel comfortable with it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And she's like, babe, I want you to do this.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I want you to invest in yourself at this level, because when you invest yourself at

Fletcher Ellingson:

this, at this level, you're gonna show up.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Differently.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And I'm telling you, I, I was so resistant.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I was so fearful about that.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I was so fearful about writing that big check.

Fletcher Ellingson:

But man, did it serve me the next year.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It was still hard to write that check the third year.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It was no problem.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I was the first one to sign up because the value that I was getting and the revenue

Fletcher Ellingson:

that I was generating and the people that I was connecting with was so worth it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And so that was just like me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'd begun evolving at that next level.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Not that the next level's better than the other one, just different.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And it's in alignment with what I wanna create.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

And, and you know, the, the idea of better, I think is

Stephen Box:

an interesting one because, Again, it goes back to just like we were

Stephen Box:

talking about with these experiments you were doing, it's not necessarily

Stephen Box:

what's scary to everybody, right?

Stephen Box:

It's what was scary to Fletcher.

Stephen Box:

Yes, yes.

Stephen Box:

And better.

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

You know what?

Stephen Box:

Your next level should be better, but it only needs to be better by your standards.

Stephen Box:

Exactly.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

It doesn't need to meet anyone else's standards.

Stephen Box:

It doesn't have to, you know, get anyone else's stamp of approval

Stephen Box:

as long as it works for you.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I really appreciate you articulating that.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Again, it's, it's, we're not competing with anyone.

Fletcher Ellingson:

we're just, how can I become the best version of myself?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

I mean, and, and I think when we take outcomes out of the

Stephen Box:

equation sometimes that's when amazing things start to happen.

Stephen Box:

Because when we get caught up on, oh, I got, I got rejected, you

Stephen Box:

know, and we start to focus on, hey, my job was to go make the ask.

Stephen Box:

I was successful.

Stephen Box:

I made the ask success, the outcome doesn't define my success.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Absolutely.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Because that's where judgment comes in.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yep.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yep.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Exactly.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yep.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Oh gosh.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Ooh, boy.

Fletcher Ellingson:

We're getting into some good stuff.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right, right at the end of the show here, it's, this is such a good concept.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Let me, I just wanna address Yeah, absolutely.

Fletcher Ellingson:

One thing, and that's this idea of success.

Fletcher Ellingson:

a lot of, a lot of people confuse success with achievement.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Mm-hmm.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And, I, I simply wanna, assert that, or, or I'll, I'll share how I define success.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I define success.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I'm successful when I, number one, know who I am, know the outcome

Fletcher Ellingson:

that I want, and, and take action.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That's in alignment with the outcome.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That's success.

Fletcher Ellingson:

If I'm doing that, I'm successful.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Now.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It doesn't have, you'll notice my definition has nothing

Fletcher Ellingson:

to do with the achievement.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right, right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

achievement is completely different.

Fletcher Ellingson:

But if I know who I am, if I know the outcome that I want, and I'm

Fletcher Ellingson:

taking consistent action to get there, man, that's successful.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

I mean, it's, it really is all about the.

Stephen Box:

Steps.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

The, the success, the achievement part of it is did you take action?

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

No, that's the achievement.

Stephen Box:

If you did not, if you didn't take the action, that's failure.

Stephen Box:

If you took the action of success.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

The outcome of the action is not what's important.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Exactly.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Exactly.

Stephen Box:

And, and, and I think that's such a, a powerful thing for people

Stephen Box:

to hear because so many people, They beat themselves up when all the woods

Stephen Box:

and the coulds and the shoulds Yep.

Stephen Box:

Don't come true.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

You know, one of the, one of the things that my clients say to me, You

Fletcher Ellingson:

know, without fail is, I know what, I already know what I should be doing.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I just don't know why I won't do what I know i I should be doing.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So that's, that's the, that critical piece in there.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and that's what we and that's why I did the rejection experiment, right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Because that was allowing me to get past that thing that

Fletcher Ellingson:

had been stopping me, so much.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Now do I still get stopped at times?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Absolutely.

Fletcher Ellingson:

But I get stopped way less.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Than I did.

Fletcher Ellingson:

or if I get stopped, if not for as long.

Fletcher Ellingson:

right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So, yeah.

Stephen Box:

yeah.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

And, and I think that's a good point there cuz I, I'm sure that you're at a

Stephen Box:

point now where you've done this enough that when you get stopped, you now have

Stephen Box:

that self-reflection ability to go, why is this thing scaring me so much?

Stephen Box:

Why is this thing in my way?

Stephen Box:

And then it's a realization of, you know what, I need to overcome this.

Stephen Box:

And now we go right back to the framework, right?

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

What's my vision for, why do I need to get past this?

Stephen Box:

Why is it important for me to actually do this thing?

Stephen Box:

Where's the vision at in it?

Stephen Box:

Okay.

Stephen Box:

What skills do I need to now develop to actually get past this thing?

Stephen Box:

Yes.

Stephen Box:

What are those practices?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Those are such good, critical questions and and that's

Fletcher Ellingson:

exactly what it, that those empower people, those kinds of questions empower

Fletcher Ellingson:

people and I, what I love about it, there's no judgment in there, right?

Fletcher Ellingson:

There's no self criticism.

Fletcher Ellingson:

there's just helpful questions that lead to empowering answers.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Yeah, I, you know, the one thing that I hope, and I'm gonna ask you to kind

Stephen Box:

of give people your parting thoughts here in a few minutes too, but one thing

Stephen Box:

that I really hope the people take out of today is you don't need a huge why.

Stephen Box:

You don't need this, like, you know, just ground shaking , earth

Stephen Box:

shattering reason for doing stuff.

Stephen Box:

You don't have to go out and build Rome in a day.

Stephen Box:

It's okay.

Stephen Box:

Start where you are.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Find the first block.

Stephen Box:

Find a reason why it's important to you to get over that hurdle and

Stephen Box:

start taking small steps towards

Fletcher Ellingson:

it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yep.

Fletcher Ellingson:

I like it.

Fletcher Ellingson:

We are, we are aligned in our thinking There.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So

Stephen Box:

real quickly, if you would tell people how to get ahold of

Stephen Box:

you if they want to, learn a little bit more about you or work with you.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, you bet.

Fletcher Ellingson:

you can go to fletcherellingson.com and, while you're there at

Fletcher Ellingson:

fletcherellingson.com, you can take the happiness.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Quiz or, or sign up for my, free online video course.

Fletcher Ellingson:

It's totally free.

Fletcher Ellingson:

it's good stuff.

Fletcher Ellingson:

This is not fluff.

Fletcher Ellingson:

This is, this is actual stuff that I use in my, my year long curriculum.

Fletcher Ellingson:

sign up and get the, the free video course.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Or if you, or if you have any questions or wanna hop on a discovery call again,

Fletcher Ellingson:

go to fletcherellingson.com, contact me.

Fletcher Ellingson:

would love to have a discovery call and see if we're a good fit.

Fletcher Ellingson:

and yeah, so there you go.

Stephen Box:

Yeah.

Stephen Box:

And, and may and maybe they can, set up a call and ask you to do something crazy.

Stephen Box:

Great.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That's right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That's right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah, that's right.

Fletcher Ellingson:

That's right.

Stephen Box:

So, so tell everyone your closing thing here.

Stephen Box:

Like what is it?

Stephen Box:

If, if you just were like pushed to give this like one minute Yeah.

Stephen Box:

Of like what we need to go home with today.

Stephen Box:

What is

Fletcher Ellingson:

it?

Fletcher Ellingson:

Yeah.

Fletcher Ellingson:

So thank you for asking that.

Fletcher Ellingson:

The thing that I would love for people to take away is this, most of, most of

Fletcher Ellingson:

us human beings are extremely practiced.

Fletcher Ellingson:

At noticing what isn't working well, what doesn't feel good.

Fletcher Ellingson:

We're practiced at seeing other people not being their best.

Fletcher Ellingson:

We're practiced at criticizing, we're practiced at fear.

Fletcher Ellingson:

We're practiced at at not trusting that life is working out.

Fletcher Ellingson:

And what I want to encourage you to do is begin practicing.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Seeing where life actually is working out.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Begin practicing seeing kindness.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Begin practicing noticing compassion.

Fletcher Ellingson:

begin practicing being compassion.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Begin practicing being resourceful, capable, flexible.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Begin practicing kindness.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Bring an intention to these ways of being, and your life will change dramatically.

Stephen Box:

Love it man.

Stephen Box:

Love it.

Stephen Box:

Appreciate you being here today.

Stephen Box:

And I have to say, man, you absolutely brought the value today, so I

Stephen Box:

appreciate you, sharing your story and, and bringing that value to, to my

Fletcher Ellingson:

audience today.

Fletcher Ellingson:

Thanks, Stephen.

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