[00:00:00] Welcome to the Self Mastery Podcast with your host, Zach Spafford.

This is The Self Mastery Podcast, the Brain behind the man. I'm your host, Zach Spafford, husband, father of eight, and life coach. I teach Latter Day St. Men How to Stop Using Pornography. Episode number one, agency and addictive behaviors/ buffering. Today we're gonna talk about our agency and how it affects us and is affected when we choose to say things like, I can't stop looking at pornography or overeating, or whatever, and how we can reassert our agency on our way to freeing ourselves from addictive behaviors in our lives.

As a former user of addictive behaviors, including pornography, I struggled for a long time with a thought. I can't stop doing this. So many of you out there have had that thought, and you're [00:01:00]thinking about whatever behavior you're engaging in and whether you're overeating or viewing pornography or spending too much time on the phone, playing video games or whatever, you have this addictive behavior that's that's really kind of holding you back in your life.

So this thought "I can't do something," is really what's keeping you from choosing to be your best self. I'm not saying that getting over your addictions is just as easy as saying," I can stop doing this" because there's a lot of other thought work and coaching that goes into understanding how you can stop.

But one of the fundamental principles you need to understand is how your mind is seeing your agency. And how you need to take back control of that agency. So first thing, what is agency? As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and really anyone who believes that they have free will to choose agency is essentially three main things.

Number one, [00:02:00] the knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. Some people call it the knowledge of good and evil, but really this knowledge is essentially what you believe. that you would like to do as a person on this earth that makes you understand that you're a good person. So for most LDS people, we have a pretty good understanding of what we believe to be right and wrong.

Lots of people who buffer with addictive behaviors, they view those behaviors in a negative light. For instance, someone who overeats may view their behaviors detrimental to their health. Their self-worth, their body image. So knowing what is good and what is bad in and of itself does not give you agency.

I say that because there are good things that happen in the world that you have no control over, and there are also bad things that happen in the world that hold no consequences for you. That could be for a number of reasons, including our next item on the list. Number two, the ability to choose this.

[00:03:00] Ability to choose is. I believe the most crucial component of overcoming our addictive behaviors. This is where the rubber meets the road and it's all done internally, right? When we tell ourselves that we can't do something or we should or shouldn't do something, we're often rejecting our ability to choose.

For example, if I were to ask most LDS members, can you drink coffee? A typical response would be I can, but I choose not to. Really what they're saying here is that they have the ability to drink coffee if they choose to, but usually they choose not to. For us to be able to be our best selves, we have to take responsibility for our choices and saying, I can't, or I should, or I shouldn't.

removes that responsibility and places it in some other entity. So let me give you an example of two phrases that illustrate this difference, right? I can't drink alcohol because the word of wisdom says I shouldn't, versus [00:04:00] I choose not to drink alcohol because I follow the council of the word of wisdom.

That's a really subtle difference, and I recognize that it often results in the same actions, but it inherently comes from two different places. One comes from a place of obligation, and the other comes from a place of agency. That brings us to number three on the list Consequences. I don't wanna get too deep into consequences.

We'll totally discuss that in depth in another podcast. What I want to say about consequences is simply that they exist, whether in the immediate future or over time, that they can be external or they can simply be part of an internal dialogue that drives negative feelings. They're there. So how does this relate to pornography use and other addictive behaviors?

So as someone who's struggled personally with pornography use for many years, one of the most common thoughts I had was, I can't stop doing this. . I think many people who struggle with [00:05:00] addictive behaviors have the same thought. I don't wanna get into the fine details of what addiction is versus what I call addictive behaviors here, but we can talk about that on a future podcast for now.

What I will call addictive behaviors includes behaviors that we engage in that we feel are hindering us being the person we want to be. So something I've often asked as I've spoken to groups and individuals over the past number of years is, What is the difference between overeating and pornography use?

Setting aside for just a moment, the moral argument that pornography use is, is evil. There's a lot of data on this. There are a number of studies out there that show there's no real appreciable difference between how our brains light up when we're using pornography and how our brains light up when we're engaging in things like video gaming or overeating or mindlessly surfing or social media.

What's happening in each instance is essentially our brain is lighting up. In the pleasure centers that drive our lower brains activities. So just [00:06:00] real quick here, please don't mistake what I'm saying. I'm not saying that pornography use is okay, and I'm not saying that from a moral perspective.

Pornography use is the same as looking at your phone to serve Facebook. What I am saying is that to understand why you're doing the things that you are doing, you gotta first understand how your brain is working. Once we do that, then we can make changes and that helps us become the person that we want to be and becoming the person that we wanna be.

Often includes taking responsibility for actions that our lower brain sees as awesome and our higher brain sees as contrary to our moral compass. So for instance, in the case of pornography, ideally you should be able to answer the statement. You can't look at pornography your Mormon. With a reply, pretty similar to what you would say when you're responding to the same type of statement about coffee.

Essentially, you should be able to say, I can look at pornography, but I choose not [00:07:00] to. Wouldn't it be interesting to see people's reactions maybe through a survey handed out randomly give them a piece of paper that says, how would you feel if someone said to you, I can look at pornography if I want to, and then give another set of people a paper that says,

I can drink coffee if I want to. From the perspective of agency, they're essentially the same. The reality is, yes, you can, and some people do, but what's happening with people who are using addictive behaviors to buffer their time away and their feelings away is that they're often saying, I can't look at pornography.

While at the same time they do look at pornography or overeaters something else, right? What that means, is they're not taking responsibility for their own actions and in a way they're rejecting their agency. I can't do something often means, in part someone else has made the choice for you. Like, have you ever heard a little kid say, [00:08:00] I can't play today.

My mom said I have to do my schoolwork. That kid is not choosing to do his schoolwork because he wants to. That kid is doing their schoolwork because their mom says to. Have you ever seen a kid get told by his mom, you need to do your schoolwork and then tell their friends, I can't play because I'm supposed to be doing schoolwork and then not get it done.

The same thing is happening here with addictive behaviors. Our higher brain is saying You can't look at pornography. And then we tell all our friends that we're good Mormons, but then in a dark room all by ourselves, we look at pornography. . So to have the ability to choose not to look at pornography or overeat or play too many video games or overuse our social media, we first have to take responsibility for our actions by saying something like, I can eat that entire chocolate cake and maybe I will, or I can play video games for six straight hours, and maybe I will, [00:09:00] right?

This is the beginning of leaving the stagnant pool of the status quo. And moving into the swift moving waters of what Jodi Moore calls the river of misery. Now, you may say, I don't wanna get into the river of misery. Cause it sounds miserable, right? But unless you do, you can't get to the other side where the person you want to be is standing warm and dry on the bank of success.

So taking responsibility for your choices, essentially exerting your agency, requires you to recognize that sometimes. You can do things that are against your moral compass and that are really contrary to your long-term happiness. And when we do those things, because we are all human and we will do them, we need to fully own that decision.

You have to fully own that decision. And when you do those things, because you are human and [00:10:00] sometimes you do things that you believe are contrary to your long-term happiness. You need to fully own that decision then and only then will you be able to change your mind to something that more closely resembles your idea of who you want to be.

I was someone who struggled with pornography for better than 25 years. I went to therapists, I went to the 12 step meetings. I worked with my bishop, I worked with my state presidents. I did all the things I was supposed to do to stop looking at pornography. Once I got through all of that, because none of it worked, I decided finally to take a really good look at my brain and figure out why I was doing this thing that really hurt the happiness of my family.

Strangely, and maybe counterintuitively, the first step I took was saying, I can look at pornography if I choose to. This. was me essentially telling my brain that I'm gonna take back my agency, I'm gonna own my decision, and I'm gonna take back my agency. Now, the cool thing about agency [00:11:00] is that when you begin to exercise it, you get better at it, and you get better at doing it in positive ways.

Now, this didn't happen overnight. It took a number of years because I was doing this without the assistance of a coach and without the assistance of someone who'd. Actually gone down this path and understood what was going on. But eventually I was completely able to say, I can look at pornography, but I choose not to.

In the same way I can say I can drink coffee, but I choose not to. Guys, agencies are really awesome thing. I'm super glad I have it even though because I'm human. . I misuse it sometimes or use it in ways that are, you know, sometimes contrary to my long-term happiness. But this understanding of how agency works was really helpful for me.

Maybe it'll be helpful for you. If not, that's totally cool either way. I'm glad you took the time to listen today. Please leave us a review on iTunes or Google Play or wherever you get your podcast. [00:12:00]This will help us be found by other people that could use a nudge in the right direction. Thanks for listening, and if you need help with your addictive behavior, please sign up for a free mini session@zspafford.com.

That's Z A C H S P A F F O R d.com. This has been the Self-Mastery Podcast with Z Spafford. Don't forget to subscribe, so our next episode will download. Automatically when it's done. Thanks for listening, and let me help you stop looking at pornography. Hey, thanks for listening to the Self-Mastery Podcast.

Every day I get requests from people who are looking to change something in their life. If that is you, if you need help overcoming your addictive behavior like pornography use, sign up for a free mini session@zspafford.com slash. Work with me. That's zack spafford.com/workwithme. I'll put a link in show notes for you to follow.

Also, it would mean the world to me if you were to leave a review for us. Wherever you get your podcast, [00:13:00] it'll go a long way to helping others find us. Thanks again.[00:00:00] Welcome to the Self Mastery Podcast with your host, Zach Spafford.