We got some of our players temporarily stuck across some oceans, so enjoy this bonus episode of Johnny Hertz' show that takes place during the assault on the Courthouse!

This is my descent into madness.

Welcome to The Truth Hertz with your lovable host, Johnny Hertz, providing the shining beacon against the rocky shores of ignorance.

And I'm joined by provisionary, probationatory, co-host, Crandle.

Yo, what up, bays and nerds?

Hit me up.

What Crandle means by that is, as always, our lines are open.

If you have any truth, you gotta get out there.

Chirp us up at 120 kHz, and we'll put you live on air.

This evening, I would like to continue our early morning discussion on Frieda.

You all know her as the visionary, the artist, the rebel.

But why so secret?

I've spoken out against many of the same things that her art is talking about, and I haven't gotten my legs broke.

And how is she just so good at not being figured out?

I did a very extensive investigative journal piece, trying to track down the real identity of Frieda.

Like previously mentioned, we have a lot of the same views.

I don't want to blow up her spot or anything, but I just really wanted a one-on-one talk to really drive home, because I'll be the first to admit, I'm not kind of a visual arts guy, so I don't really always get what she's going for.

Like that spade thing, I liked it.

It was pretty cool, but I don't know what Frieda was trying to say.

And I really want to just have a nice one-on-one talk, or two-on-one, sorry, Crandall.

And dive into what they think is best for Hamlet opening.

We're all struggling right now.

I know it, you know it, Hickory knows it, and Frieda knows it.

So we need to come together.

We need less of this secrecy.

We need less of these walls.

We need more people on The Truth Hertz with Johnny Hertz, getting their word out there, getting my listenership up, and increasing my ad revenue.

I think you're looking way too small, Johnny Hertz.

It's fun to talk to someone sometimes, but I like this.

It's like a puzzle.

It's something that we can chip away at.

We can talk about this reeks and reeks and reeks with no concrete revolution.

Fuck resolution.

Man, I wish this wasn't live.

And get to a truth that is even more interesting than the actual truth.

Now, you know I love baseless conjecture as much as the next person, but I feel like it honestly makes me look incompetent, makes me look stupid, makes my sneak mode not look as sneaky.

When we've learned absolutely nothing.

Oh shit, man, if you just want to like know about her, I know a ton of shit.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, like I know things are a little different in this little podunk town.

But back when I was a warlord, I don't know if I've talked about that much, but I used to be this warlord in a fancy penthouse suite.

Yes, you've talked about this many, every time, every day.

Well, back then, I had these things called VHSs and some things called DVDs and some things called Betamaxes and other things called HDDVDs.

And one of them actually went very in-depth into Frida.

It was like almost a documentary on exactly who Frida is.

Why have you not mentioned this a single time?

Well, I don't remember it all.

It's kind of a little confusing.

But basically, the gist of it is Frida moves around in like this weird sphere that flies through space.

And I think they got this like hankering for destroying planets.

There's been like at least twice, maybe like six times, where Frida's tried to destroy a planet.

I think Namek got destroyed or was almost destroyed.

But they're like super ruthless and have a really weird voice.

And I think they killed Krillin.

Yeah, definitely killed Krillin.

You all know what that sound means.

For the first time today, Krandle has said something that makes no fucking sense.

Congratulations on making it almost four minutes.

I think that's a new record.

Thanks, B.

Oh, it looks like we're getting a call in from long time super fan Din Wallace.

Din, you're live on the air now.

Hey, Johnny, and hey, Krandle.

I just think you guys are being a little unfair to Frieda.

You're big on freedom, right?

That's what you're all about.

Like you're pushing, we got to be a free people who do what we want and we're able to take control of our own destiny.

And like I think part of that freedom is Frieda's privacy.

And I don't see you weighing that very much.

And I think there could be many, many reasons that Frieda doesn't want to be like out in the open with who they are.

And that should be their choice.

So unfortunately, I have to like respectfully disagree with you.

But I'm doing that because of how much I believe in what you normally talk about.

What a level headed response from long time super fan Den Wallace.

And you really, one, I would like to thank you for the kind words.

And two, you've caused me to really self reflect on what I view is important and what the true meaning of freedom really is.

Let's counteract that.

I see Kangaroo Sam is also on the switch boards.

You're live now.

Now, Frida cannot be just one person.

I don't know why you don't talk about that more.

Frida has to be at least, according to my calculations, I think six to eight people.

It could be nine, could be 12, but I think six to eight is probably the most likely.

There's no way one person could output that much art by themselves.

And why would Hickory and his men be afraid of one single person?

They have dozens, dozens of people.

So maybe even six to eight is a little low.

Maybe I want to increase that range.

Maybe like nine to 14.

Sorry to cut you off a little bit there early, but I just wanted to make sure you were breathing enough and did not pass out while on the call.

But that is an interesting topic that really makes us think about Frida being targeted by Hickory's men.

We have some reports that her art has been defaced.

We talked about it a little bit this morning, but beloved mural of a smiling giraffe was recently defaced.

And I can only think of a couple of good reasons why anyone would do that.

We have reached out to several of Hickory's men.

Unfortunately, Pistachio Jones, our main point of contact, is still undergoing medical treatment by Maple.

But who we have reached out to has not commented at all on the state of the defecation.

And I think that says a lot.

I don't really know, Johnny.

I think you're barking up the wrong tree here.

Let me ask you a few questions.

Why would Hickory's men want to deface the mural right now?

That's a mural that's been there since I've been in Hamlet opening.

Hickory's men are also spread incredibly thin.

They've lost several.

They're still dealing with casualties.

And we have this whole issue of power that they're technically responsible for.

I don't see why they would be going out of their way to mess with one single mural.

They've done this before, Crandall.

This isn't anything new.

Yeah, but those were always direct opposition to Hickory and his men.

That is the bulk of Frieda's work.

I'm not gonna lie, and I think they were probably responsible for covering up a significant portion of it.

But in this specific case, I think you're wrong.

And let me tell you why.

I'm gonna ask you a few questions, and just answer the first thing that comes off the top of your head.

This could be a lot like jazz.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, sure.

Where was the bulk of the defacement done?

On the roof on the northwestern corner of Frida's Alley.

Yes, yes, the roof.

Who has recently showed up to town and is unable to be located?

I assume you're talking about Bookin Ocean.

Yes, yep.

You're tracking pretty good here.

Now, have you left your hat anywhere recently?

What are you talking about?

Have I left my hat anywhere recently?

That's like a weird random question.

I wouldn't expect you to be able to follow this.

But if you look carefully on your 10-gallon hat, there is a small misting of white paint, like it was left on like a trash can or a box nearby Frida's alley.

I assume you did this, which caused it to get inadvertently covered with paint.

I think only one thing could explain this.

It's probably getting close to commercial break time.

Bookin Ocean needed to get Frida's attention.

I don't know why.

I don't know if it's a good thing or if it's a bad thing.

But they needed her attention, and they only had one way to do that, by defacing Frida's most beloved artwork.

So that means that's motive.

But what's the opportunity?

Any ideas, Johnny?

Honestly, Johnny Hertz is not quite following you.

I think you're gonna have to piece it together for me, Crandall.

Just as I expected.

Let me lay it out for you, Johnny.

Bookin Ocean have somehow got aviatory capabilities.

They're able to spray paint onto the roof from well above.

Now, that's not gonna be a perfect coverage, and it's gonna cause things like misplaced hats to receive a light coating of spray paint, just like we see on your hat in the corner there.

Yeah, yeah, I see how the timing of them arriving is a little bit suspicious, but I really...

Everything I've heard has been that Bookin Ocean are actually pretty tight with Frida.

I don't like to tell tales out of school, but I think they actually used to help Frida acquire some of their materials.

Why would there be this sudden change?

I think all that comes back to the fact that we really don't know much about Bookin Ocean, and I actually think I've made quite a revelation very recently.

Yeah, we've talked a lot about Bookin Ocean lately, though I wanted this to kind of be more focused on Frida.

Are there any callers right now?

No, don't worry, but I'll tie it all back together.

It's gonna be really good.

I've done a lot of research on this.

Okay, let's start with Bookin.

What do we know about him?

He likes books.

His best friend is Ocean.

A little on the scrawny side.

His parents left him.

Pretty good with technology.

Helped you set up this recording equipment we're using right now.

Now, does that remind you of anyone?

Like, literary characters, or what do you mean?

No, I mean a very specific person who has been in our myths this entire time.

This is going to be a pretty startling revelation.

Immediately, I expect the reaction to be, no, no, you're wrong, it can't be true.

But really looking into the details, I think it is.

I'm going to just come out and cite it.

I think Book McCready is the same person as my friend Red MacBook, who you've talked about previously on the show.

Exactly.

He was the one who helped me create my Weird Al Blang machine.

I actually gave him the Tickle Tickle Explode that we're using to record right now.

And then somehow, it gets brought to Book, who then gives it to you.

Why is there a middleman here?

I don't get it.

Then, I go on some other adventures with him.

He may or may not have caused my whole penthouse to explode, but we're through that.

But when I finally make my way to Hamlet Opening for the first time, he points me right to Johnny Hertz.

If they're not the same person, they were at least in very, very strong cahoots.

Absolutely fascinating theory, Crandall.

I'd love to dive into it more, but after our commercial break that's coming up, I think we should kind of switch topics to the current state of Hamlet Opening.

And I want callers to kind of talk about their quality of life, things that have been changed like that.

But soon we'll talk more about the red MacBook Macready thing.

Don't worry about that.

Sit tight, and Johnny Hertz and Crandall will be right back after this commercial break.

Hi, everybody, Calista here.

You may know me from working down at the Soggy Worm.

If you do know me from there, then this commercial is not for you.

This is for people who haven't been to the Soggy Worm yet, and you should really try it out.

We've got ramen, but don't take it from me.

Take it from the sole proprietor.

Hey, it's Captain Noodles here.

Come down to the Soggy Worm.

We got the hottest water.

We got the hottest steam.

We got the most noodle-y noodles in this ramen that you've ever tasted.

It'll blast your tongue right off.

It's so hot.

And we don't put extra styrofoam in it no more.

That was a rumor, but also we stopped doing it.

And there was only one cup of noodles that got a rat in it.

I don't know how a whole rat got in one cup and then like sealed it back up and ate all the noodles, but I promise we will not boil any more rats.

Thank you.

Come to the Soggy Worm, and bring your fucking money.

Are you running low on bullets?

I got so many fucking bullets.

Come to the alleyway behind the broken leg, and I'll sell you some of these fucking bullets.

I'm wearing a hat.

Welcome back to The Truth Hertz with Johnny Hertz and co-host Crandall.

Before that break, we asked our callers to call in and talk to us a little bit about some of the struggles they're facing at Hamlet opening.

I know right now is a tough time for a lot of people, and I wanted to really hear it from the ground, and hopefully we can work together and come up with some solutions and build this community up instead of tearing each other down, like so many people are trying to do.

Caller 1, you are on the air.

Hey Johnny, hey Crandall.

I wish you didn't put me first, because of what I'm going to complain about, it's like it makes it...

I know there's bigger problems, like I'm experiencing those same things.

I know I don't have a lot of power.

We're having to go out to scavenge more.

I've had to send part of my family out into Subtropolis.

And like, those are the big big deals.

But I knew you're going to get a lot of cars like that.

And I just want to talk about like the weirder things that are happening.

I know this sounds weird, but like since Spade left, I owed them something.

And I just every part of my body wants to go try to find them.

And that seems so dumb and so dangerous.

But even though I didn't owe them a lot, like it was just a little bit, but I feel like I have to go track them down.

I don't know what to do about that.

People were talking about that tower that exploded.

Unless there's more towers that look exactly like that one, then something weird happened.

My brother was just in that area, and he said it looks completely fine, even though we felt that explosion from here.

So I don't know.

I feel like maybe we're all getting carbon monoxide poisoning.

I asked Maple about it, and he wasn't too helpful, but like, I think we should really look into that.

Now friend, there are no bigger problems.

Everyone's problems are just as important, and even if you think you are sound wild, it's not true if they're important to you.

It's really hard to remember when we're focusing so hard on our physical health that our mental health is also important.

A lot of times it seems like the only thing that's relaxing here to do is drink, but you can find safe enough places in Subtropolis to take short walks, where you're still in view of anyone who could come and try to save your life from roaming packs of scavengers.

And sometimes it's worth that little risk.

My father used to always tell me that a careful man stays inside and tries to dodge the bullets, while a happy man takes a walk.

You should get like a fucking Wii U.

There's a bunch of cool ass games on that.

Good ad.

Next caller.

Hello, Crandall, and hello, Johnny Hertz.

Long time listener, first time caller.

My biggest concern with the current state of Hamlet opening is that it seems like a lot of important infrastructure and support is controlled by a grief leak in the courthouse.

I do not see how it is very well defended.

Do you guys have any knowledge of their main point defenses to help me feel more at ease and that no one could harm our vital infrastructure?

What the fuck?

No, I got this one, Johnny.

Now, you guys gotta remember, I have the mind of a warlord.

The second I came into Hamlet opening, I was already thinking of all the best egresses of attack, the best egresses of defense, and where all the high value targets are.

Not for any nefarious purposes, just how my brain works.

Can't stop it.

I've just been a warlord for my whole life.

Now, the concerning thing to me about Hickory's defense is that there really is not much early warning.

During the daytime, you'll be seen.

Coming from anywhere, coming with too many guns, enough people to actually do damage to the courthouse, you'll be spotted right away.

At nighttime, no one's looking out for that.

They have a couple of guards, but the very interesting thing about the courthouse is the most effective attack would actually be a direct full frontal attack.

For some reason, their barracks is behind the building, way away from the main point of egress.

On top of that, a lot of people are living in the office building structure to the south.

During a mass panic, there are so many choke points that will limit the amount of people who would be able to provide backup.

So you got people sleeping all the way in the back, a few guards up front, and then all of the people who are making important decisions are all crammed into one place that they all have to funnel down one set of stairs.

It's so stupid.

A less intelligent warlord mind may try to do something like attack around the back.

There's a pretty weak chain-link fence, but that's actually going to put you in almost a kill box of the barracks and that same apartment slash office structure I was talking about before.

So really, high chance of success, just going right through the front, you probably only need about 15, 20 well-trained men, and you would at least be able to take the main structure.

So, sorry I couldn't, like, assage your fears, but I gotta speak my truth, and I think this is something we should be concerned about and something we should push for improvements on as a society.

Holy shit, I think that was actually good.

No shit, next caller.

Hey, Johnny Hickrandle, it's Buckets here.

You know, I'm one of the most prolific scrappers and scroungelers in the town, and I just wanted to let you know that it's hard for everyone here.

I think a lot of people are heading down into Subtropolis who normally don't, and they're taking all the like easy safe spots, which are causing folks like me to have to go deeper and deeper.

Like you mentioned before, some of those people aren't coming back.

It's just getting more dangerous, and we're getting less for it.

And I don't know what to do about that, because like even when we do get stuff, there's nothing to trade for because no one else has anything.

And Hickory is not providing the power like he did in the past.

Like, I don't know if he's shutting it off, he's mad at us, or he just can't do what he's here for.

But I just, you're like the smartest guy I know, right?

I listen to your show every day.

And I just want you to give me some hope.

Tell me, like, where can Hamlet opening go in the future?

So we're not as reliant on the scraps of Subtropolis or someone like Hickory to have a nice, healthy town?

Great question, but really hard answer.

I know we all want to just work together and have good trade, specialization, that sort of thing, to just be greater than the sum of our parts.

But in times like these, you really have to focus on self-reliance.

What can you do to make sure you're good when things go wrong like they are right now?

What I do is I try to find alternative methods of keeping my exact same lifestyle.

So for example, I can't rely on Hickory's power because it is so unstable.

So I've invested most of my funds, most of my ad revenue in getting backup generators.

So right now I'm in a case where it doesn't matter if Hickory's not providing me any power, I can stay on the air, which is keeping me healthy, wealthy, and wise.

I know that's not a popular answer to just say throw some money at it.

And I know I'm in a very privileged spot to be able to say something like that.

But I think that's the direction we need to go as Hamlet opening.

We need to pull back on our reliance on Subtropolis, wherever this power is coming from right now, and be able to sustain ourselves.

If that requires us setting up new trade routes to get more kerosene, to get gasoline, things that can run these backup generators, maybe sending out some search parties to go deeper into Subtropolis to find this sort of infrastructure to help us out, I think that's what we need to be looking at in order to gain our energy independence.

Small beans.

You're talking small beans with these fucking generators.

What if I told you I knew of a generator that could put out almost an octillion watts, just constantly beaming at us.

I call that generator the fucking sun.

I had this documentary back at the penthouse on solar power, and the amount of energy this burning ball in the sky is putting out is tremendous.

If we could harness just a fraction of that, we would be good for life.

We could power all of Subtropolis always with just a little sliver of this burning ball energy.

Yeah, since your last sun talk, I've done some research and the sun is a celestial body, apparently, that is something that's always shining on the surface.

If you've ever seen a child sketch from the before times, with a happy smiling odd circle in the corner, that is the sun.

But I hate to break it to you, Crandall.

Sun ain't down here.

You are so close minded.

The sun is putting off so much energy.

Yeah, maybe a lot of it's getting stopped by some rocks and shit and cave ceilings and stalactites, but the numbers I've seen gotta be still getting some good juice down here.

Oh, you made it quite a while there, Crandall, but unfortunately, again, you said something that makes no damn sense.

That was pretty good this time, though.

That was like 15 minutes, right?

I'm getting better.

Probably should have said it for some of that book and ocean stuff earlier, but I was feeling nice.

But I think your idea works if we can figure out a way to reach the surface.

We're getting some text.

Yeah, we're getting some text in here right now that says there has potentially been a large explosion at the courthouse.

Fucking not surprised.

Details are obviously so fuzzy.

This is breaking news right now.

Breaking news sound.

Which one's that?

Breaking news as an explosion rocks.

The courthouse.

Who did it?

Why did it?

We only know where did it.

Crandall, do you have any baseless speculation?

Book an ocean from the sky.

Okay, no more baseless speculation.

We're going to try to get in contact with any of Hickory's men who can report.

Unfortunately, I imagine they are quite busy right now.

Let's try to connect with Pistachio Jones, who is currently being taken care of at Maple's place.

So hold on.

Let me do some Maple reaching.

Maple, this is an emergency.

Put on Pistachio Jones.

Who is taking care of me?

Pistachio Jones, this is Johnny Hertz on The Truth Hertz with my co-host, Crandall.

We have breaking news that an explosion has shook the entire courthouse.

Do you have any information on this as the inside man?

I'm in a fucking neck brace laying in a bed.

Don't know what's going on.

Don't even have my fucking radio.

Now, information is hard to come by right now, but I would like to pull on the expertise of Pistachio Jones to see what is potentially the cause of this explosion.

They came into town last night, broke my back, and the fucking courthouse exposed.

What do you think?

I will admit, this does not look great for them.

We're going to jump to on-site reporter Crandall, who has ran out of the building.

Hey, Johnny.

I'm about 20 feet outside of the recording booth, and from here, I think I can see a lot of smoke.

I can hear some gunshots, and I don't think it's a good night for a lot of people in Hamlet opening.

I would recommend you stay indoors, hunker down, go to the store, buy all the fucking bread you can get.

Milk?

Buy it all.

Rice?

Who knows when you'll need some extra rice.

Cat litter?

Good for like 30 different things.

For some reason, do not buy nice, packaged, non-perishable foods.

I'm gonna throw it back to Crandall in the studio.

This is obviously a sca-

No, I said Crandall in the studio.

Hold on.

Thank you, Crandall in the field.

Please stay safe out there.

Johnny Hertz here to let you know that the explosion, according to reports, happened about seven minutes ago.

We cannot feel it from the recording booth here.

Or, could you feel it at all, Crandall?

I wasn't paying attention.

I understand.

Everyone, make sure you stay tuned to us.

We will be updating you with any new information that we get as the scene develops.

The scene has developed as there is a young woman knocking on our door frantically.

Ah, hey, Johnny.

The book club is meeting much, much sooner than planned.

Oh, fuck, another book club I'm not invited to.

Two quick questions.

One, who are you?

And two, are you talking about the book club?

Or are you talking about like...

Yeah, no, this is an emergency.

Everyone listening, am I on my...

Everyone listening who is friends of Juniper or Book or Ocean or Frieda, or honestly, anyone who has a lot of big guns, meet at the library as soon as possible.

I cannot condone this announcement.

I have not heard any news about updates to the book club.

Motherfuck.

I'm Frieda.

I was literally just talking to Book and Ocean.

The courthouse is absolutely fucked right now.

We need an emergency meeting of anyone.

Fuck all this book club shit.

Anyone who has the slightest capability to help, come meet at the old burnt out library.

Book and Ocean will be there soon.

I think Juniper is already there.

And if you're someone listening who wants to fight or kill them, I will kill you first.

Wait, you're...

you're Frieda?

Yeah, it doesn't really matter anymore.

Who are you?

I don't recognize you.

My shit man, I was sure it was Calista.

Ah, maybe that way will work.

If you want to know more about me, I'll be at the library where we'll figure all this shit out.

Can we record and shit from there?

Holy fuck, this does not matter at all.

I don't care.

Bring whatever you want.

We just gotta get there.

It's kinda disappointing we've talked about Frieda for so long.

I'll even recognize who she is.

Yeah man, this is a rare miss for old Crandall.

No, never seen that person in my life.

She was like very convincing though.

Like, right?

Like, I don't know, I definitely believe her.

I'm just also disappointed.

Yeah.

But I also also believe her that Bokonosian needs some help.

You still got that like super big gun?

Fuck yeah, baby.

Hell yeah.

Uh, this is Johnny Hertz and The Truth Hertz with Grandel.

Signing off, we may be back on the air in a little bit and give you some nice live recording of whatever weird discussions going on at the library.

That sounds way less exciting than it's gonna be.

No, it's gonna be fucking awesome.

There may be even another explosion.

TURN IN EVERYBODY!