Nope, you won't hear me say it - listen in to find out why! Today we explore why “playing devil’s advocate” can undermine connection, and how owning our words builds trust and confidence.

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Hello and welcome to this episode of the Drink Less, Live Better podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Williamson, and I'm really glad you're here.

Now, today we're continuing our Things You'll Never Hear Me Say series, but just before we continue with that, I've realised something this morning. I was looking back through past episodes of Things You'll Never Hear Me Say, and I realised that I've released one episode twice—well, it's two different episodes, but the same title. And the title is, "If I Can Do It, Anyone Can?" Yeah, for sure, you'll never hear me say that. And so much so, I've recorded and loaded two podcast episodes on the very subject.

They are, in fact, two different conversations that I've recorded, and if you go back and listen to them, they are episodes 38 and 92. And I have taken a slightly different slant on each one. I would say episode 38 is slightly more philosophical and talks a lot about how receiving the phrase, "If I Can Do It, Anyone Can," feels, and it's a bit more reflective. And episode 92 is a bit more conversational. It's about what's going on for the person who says a phrase like that. Perhaps it's a bit more relatable. Anyway, there we go. Things You'll Never Hear Me Say: definitely not, "If I Can Do It, Anyone Can," because that deserves two episodes, apparently.

Sorry, just had to edit out a cough there. And other phrases you'll never hear me say are things like, "You've got this. There's no need to cry. Why would you do that?" I've heard it all before. "Just think positive. It is what it is. You can't shock me. No judgment here. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." That, those, and many others can be found in the series.

Today's episode is called, "I'm Going to Play Devil's Advocate." Yeah, you'll never hear me say that. You'll probably recognise it, and you may have said it yourself. You've almost certainly had someone say it to you. "I'm Going to Play Devil's Advocate." On the surface, it sounds quite reasonable: thoughtful, balanced, maybe even a bit intellectual, like we're about to elevate our conversation. But it's a phrase I don't use anymore, and it is one I challenge when I hear it, because more often than not, it isn't helping to create any kind of clarity.

"But Sarah," I hear you say, "where the heck does that phrase come from?" Well, I'm so glad you asked. It's from way back when—the 1500s, in fact—for putting forward alternative viewpoints for the canonisation of a new pope in the Catholic Church. So, yeah, it's been around a few thousand years and remains with us today. When someone says, "I'm just going to play Devil's Advocate," what they're usually about to do is say the thing they are thinking without taking any ownership of it, blaming it on the fictionary devil. His fictionary and word? I don't know. We're going to use it. Fictional, that's the one.

When someone says, "I'm just going to play Devil's Advocate," what they're often about to do is take a different position, not necessarily because they believe it, but because they think it's useful or needed to challenge what's been said. But if you're sharing something personal, perhaps talking about cutting back on drinking or setting a boundary or feeling stretched too thin or overwhelmed, and someone responds with the Devil's Advocate energy, it is going to feel invalidating, like your experience is being examined or undermined instead of understood.

By the time you're articulating whatever it is to the person, you have already done a lot of thinking. You've turned things over in your mind, you've weighed it up, you've probably argued with yourself from every possible angle, and you don't need someone stepping in to carry that on for you. What you often need is to be heard, to be met with empathy, to have someone say, "Yep, sure, that makes sense."

To be clear, I'm not talking about avoiding different opinions in every conversation you ever have. It isn't about shutting down a healthy back-and-forth or pretending we all agree about everything all the time. But it's the intention of the phrase that really matters. When we play Devil's Advocate, we often prioritise the argument over the conversation. Perhaps we engage intellectually, but we're disconnected emotionally. And when it comes to conversations about alcohol, identity, habits, and change, that emotional connection is what really matters.

Using phrases like, "I'm playing Devil's Advocate," is a way of distancing ourselves from what we actually think. It gives us a kind of cover. And instead of saying, "This is my view," we say, "Well, someone else might argue, XYZ," and it sounds safer, less exposing. But often, it is our view, and we're just not quite willing to own it. So we dress it up as hypothetical. We put it in this imaginary devil character rather than standing beside what we think ourselves. And that matters because it's creating a lack of honesty in the conversation.

So in a coaching session, you'll never hear me say, "I'm going to play Devil's Advocate to you." But you might hear me say, "I've got something that might sound controversial to you. Would you like to hear it?" Or, "Let's road-test this idea." Or, "Shall we challenge this assumption?" Or, "Let's explore this from another perspective." All of these allow us to see your situation, your circumstance, your emotional load from gentle angles that include zero distancing and ownership.

Imagine you're talking to a friend who says, "I think I need to stop drinking for a while. It's not making me feel good anymore." And instead of responding with something supportive, the reply is, "Well, just to play Devil's Advocate, do you actually think you're worse than the rest of us?" Now, on the surface, that sounds like a neutral challenge, perhaps. But if we strip it back, what is actually being said? Is it, "I think you might be overreacting?"

Instead of owning that opinion, it's being presented as a kind of borrowed viewpoint, a what-if, a softening. Maybe it feels more polite for the speaker. But for the person on the receiving end, it will feel confusing because now we're not quite sure what's real in the conversation. Are they being supported or questioned or dismissed? And more importantly, it can make them question themselves. That moment of clarity, "This isn't working for me," gets wobbly. And again, that little voice creeps in. Maybe I am overthinking it. Maybe I'm not that bad, really.

And this is why I think owning what we say matters so much. If you have a different perspective, you're absolutely allowed to have it. And say it clearly, kindly, honestly. "Oh, I see it differently." Or, "I wonder if there's another angle here." That is very different from hiding behind the Devil's Advocate. It allows the other person to respond to you, not some imagined being.

Here are some other phrases you might hear me say if we are together and discussing your life. "Tell me some more about that." "Okay. What's led you to that decision? How are you feeling about it at the moment?" And if I do offer a different view, I do it with care and ownership, not as some kind of performance.

So no, you won't hear me say, "I'm going to play Devil's Advocate," because I'd rather have conversations that feel honest, conversations where we take responsibility for our words and where people feel supported in making changes that matter to them.

And if you take one thing from this today, you don't need your experiences to be debated, to be back-and-forthed, to be valid. And you don't need other people to agree with you in order to trust yourself.

You can find me on Instagram at drinklesslive better and online at drinklesslive better.com, where you'll find lots of supportive resources. Check out today's podcast show notes for a link to a hidden episode that will help with your 5:00 PM cravings and details about my one-to-one life coaching and sober coaching programmes.

And PS, I believe in you.