Episode 12: Fear Part 1: Facing Divorce Fear

Summary

In this episode of the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, host Tania Leichliter discusses the emotional challenges of divorce, focusing on the role of fear. She emphasizes that fear is often at the core of various emotions experienced during divorce, such as anger, resentment, and anxiety. Tania provides insights on how to face and name fears, build a new relationship with them, and approach them with awareness and intention. The episode concludes with resources for support and encouragement to embrace personal growth during the divorce process.

Takeaways

• Divorce can evoke a wide range of emotions, primarily driven by fear.
• Understanding the root of your emotions can help in processing them.
• Fear often manifests as anger, blame, or despair during divorce.
• Naming your fears can diminish their power over you.
• Facing smaller fears can build confidence to tackle larger ones.
• Self-compassion is crucial during the divorce process.
• You can control your reactions, even if you can't control others.
• Awareness of your fears is the first step to overcoming them.
• Reframing fear can transform it from a barrier to a guide.
• Divorce is an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery.

Sound Bites

"Divorce brings up a lot of emotions."

"Nobody makes you feel a certain way."

"It's time to face your fears."

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Fear in Divorce

02:13 Introduction to Amicable Divorce

27:20 Resources for Support and Growth

Keywords

amicable divorce, fear, emotional regulation, divorce coaching, personal growth, self-compassion, overcoming fear, divorce support, mindfulness, emotional intelligence

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter™, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses, and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach .

On our website you'll find details and additional information on our 5-Step Gameplan multimedia course, our different types of coaching methods, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter, our private Facebook group, our Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter™, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.

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Welcome to the Better Than Bitter™ Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

Hi everyone, and thank you so much for joining us today. I really appreciate the fact that everybody took time out of their day to learn about fear. Now, all of you are here for one reason, and that is because you're getting divorced. And part of the divorce process is really moving through your emotions so you can get to a place where you feel regulated and ready for your legal divorce.

So when we are talking about fear, we are talking about fear in four different parts. So this is just the first webinar on fear, but it's part of a four-part series. So the first part we're going to discuss today is just facing your fear. So a little bit about me. I am an amicable divorce success coach.

I have a background in life coaching and more recently in the last couple of years have shifted my focus to divorce coaching. And that is because I was faced with divorce.

And when I was faced with divorce, I was able to apply so many of my life coaching skills toward how to get through a little bit more amicably. And the result was amazing. And I had so many of my friends and my family said that they had never seen such an amicable divorce before. And therefore I just decided that if I could do it with the skills that I had in my toolbox, that I can share those skills with all of you.

And so I'm excited that you're all here today and I'm excited to work with you. So fear, let's talk about it. So fear is at the core of most of our emotions. So when we're getting divorced, divorce brings up

all of these emotions. But at the core of all of those emotions that you may be feeling, really probably at the core of it comes from a level of fear. And that fear becomes a dominant emotion that you just can't seem to process because it might be showing up as anger, resentment, despair, depression. But at the real core of all of that is fear. So

Fear is not the emotion that you might be identifying with, but what I'm saying is it is at the core of what you are feeling. So we're gonna talk a little bit about the different types of fear and the way that it might be showing up for you. So Tara Brock, who does a lot of work in mindfulness, she does, has done a lot of work in fear. And she talks about fear as it relates to this multi-headed animal goddess.

And what you might be feeling in terms of your emotions and what these multiple heads are might be anger, meaning that you're being triggered and that you feel this sense of fight that you have to get out there and win because you're angry and you're resentful. Or one of the other heads is blame where you're not taking your own responsibility for your own emotions. You're actually blaming somebody else for making you feel a certain way. And to be honest,

Nobody makes you feel a certain way. It is your thoughts about what is happening that is making you feel. It is not somebody else that's making you feel a certain way. And when you begin to blame somebody for that feeling, you're giving them all of the power of your emotions. But the base of where that blame is coming from is a sense of fear, despair, sadness, and depression.

And a lot of times that's creating this paralysis, this sense of freeze that we're getting from our primal brain. That's our sympathetic nervous system that's basically putting us in a free zone. And we just get sad. We don't want to move. don't, we are just completely depressed. But what is at the base of that is fear. Maybe it's fear of your financial future, fear of what's going to happen to your kids, fear.

of maybe not being able to get a job. So a lot of what we are feeling as an emotion are being driven from a sense of helplessness. A lot of the emotions that we feel is that we just feel helpless, thinking about having to do this all on our own, how to move forward in life on our own. And a lot of that is a result is avoidance. We begin to just, I can't do this, I can't.

and I begin to avoid any steps forward. So that means that you're fleeing, you're that fight, flight or freeze. We talked about anger and resentment, which is your fight. We talk about blame and despair, which might be your freeze. And then we have the helplessness, which is causing you to avoid just that flight. And then we have anxiety. Anxiety is so prevalent in divorce. We're so anxious.

all of the time and it's produced from our thoughts about whatever is happening in our life. Again, our feelings that we're feeling are not based on what's happening, it's based on our thoughts about what is happening. So how do we understand this? Well, there is an evolution of fear, which means that most of us have what we call the negativity bias, meaning that

we tend to think the worst is gonna happen. Someone tells you 10 amazing things and one bad thing. The thing that you are gripping to is that one bad thing. And our survival instincts are dictating this because when you think about the survival of the fittest, you think about who survived is the ones that were most alert, the ones that were most alert to the danger surrounding us.

the development of our nervous system. And so we begin to focus on those survival threats and not all the great things that happened in our day or in our life that we should have gratitude for, but yet we focus in on the things that are gonna be putting our survival in jeopardy, which creates this negativity bias. So we're just experts at creating the worst

case scenario. Fear hijacks us. It hijacks our nervous system. It puts our entire nervous system on high alert and it's causing us to fight, flight or freeze. So when we live in fear, how do we get away from it? Well, part of it is stepping out is by moving through it.

And I talk about the boy in the bubble. So the boy in the bubble who grew up with his parents telling him that he had some sort of disease that didn't allow for him to be exposed to any potential, something that he would catch. He would get sick if he went out to the real world. Well, then there was a cure. Then there was a cure, but that boy did not want to step out. He had too much fear. He didn't trust.

that it was going to be okay. He didn't want to move through that fear to get to the other side, to experience life in so many different, more beautiful ways because he did not trust that there was a beautiful side on the outside. He was too scared of what could potentially happen. But the only way that he's going to be able to experience that amazing life outside of his bubble

is if he steps outside of his fear and he faces his fear, exposing himself to the outside. And guess what? If he does that, maybe nothing's gonna happen. Maybe he gets to experience this amazing life on the other side. But if he never tries, he'll never know. So.

One of the things you have to realize is that if you don't expose yourself to your fears, your fears will grow and they will get bigger. So how can you move through this in a way that makes sense or that gives you courage to continue to move through your fears? Well, one of the things is you want to name your fear, talk to your fear. So one of the great examples is that fear is like being super bossy.

Right? It's telling you, don't go do that. Because if you go do that, you're going to get sick, Mr. Boy in the Bubble. Don't go out to the outside world because you might get sick. So the more he allows for Mr. Bossy to boss him around, the bigger Mr. Bossy gets. But if he begins to talk to Mr. Bossy after he's named him and said, I'm not going to let you bully me around anymore.

I am just going to step outside of my bubble and guess what? If nothing happens, you're going to shrink. And that is what you need to do. Think about your fears, name your fear, talk to your fear with courage. And if you expose yourself to your fears, your fears over time will start to shrink.

So where to start? Obviously, you don't want to start with your big fears. You know, the bigger fears in divorce might be, I don't feel like I'm marketable. I don't believe I have the skillset to get a job, or I don't know how I'm going to afford to live in a house because I don't think I'm going to have enough money to do so. I don't know how I'm going to take care of my kids all on my own, or not even all on my own, but...

By the time I get my kids for whatever custody arrangement, how am I gonna do this? I've got three kids and I'm only one person. So don't go after the big fears, go after the small ones. Think about, okay, well, I'm in fear of sticking up for myself. I am fear of saying X, Y and Z to my soon-to-be X because historically I might have been.

brought down or I there's some sort of argument that was associated with it or I was not listened to. But trying to parse that off and having the courage to learn how to communicate in a different way and try to communicate in a way that you believe will just potentially get a different result. And guess what? If it doesn't, it doesn't, but at least you move through the fear and allow for yourself

to put yourself out there. You can't have any guarantees. The only thing that you can change is yourself, right? You can only control how you are presenting yourself forward. You can't control the other person, but you can control your reactions to them. So that might be a fear. You might be coming back with some sort of threat and attack when you feel threatened and attacked, but guess what? If you reframe your communication and you learn

communication skills that are better for high-conflict individuals, then you might get a different reaction. At least you're gonna react in a different way and that's all you can control. So you've got some small fears that you can begin to face. If it's an employment fear, think about all the things that you do on a daily basis. If you are a caretaker for your kids, what are all the things that you're doing? Maybe you're going grocery shopping.

Maybe you're playing games. Maybe you are carpooling. Maybe you're walking the dog. Well, guess what? All those things other people will pay you for. So don't say that you don't have a skillset, okay? Because everybody has skills. If you've been taking care of an elderly parent, there are caretaking skills that you can do for others and you can have flexible schedules. So what I'm saying is that,

You believe that you might not be marketable to go and put your resume in to get hired for a job, but that doesn't mean that you don't have the skill to do any job. There are so many jobs that you can get out there to do that will allow you to feel like you have some capacity and capability to earn. The next thing is to start with these less intense fears. Like I said, just start to kind of like,

Tip away at them, chip away at them, I meant. So you don't wanna re-traumatize yourself by going after the big ones. Start thinking about them in little micro buckets. So this is a big mindset shift and I cannot stress this enough. Stop saying, can't. You can, you can and you will. Every time you say to yourself, I can't do this, I can't do that, catch yourself.

Part of facing your fears are saying, I can, I can do this, I've got this. Okay, and then figuring out the ways by which you can. Don't focus on that negativity bias on all of the negatives and the reasons why you're convincing yourself that it's not possible. It is possible and you are gonna make it happen for yourself. You just have to believe that you can. Activating the prefrontal cortex.

We talked about the sympathetic nervous system. We talked about this fact we've got this overactive amygdala back here, which is like, off the alarm, the survival instinct. It's the fight, flight and freeze, right? Well, we do have a part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, which is actually the part of our brain that is logical and rational. And it creates a sense of calm.

So we want to make sure that we're finding a way to access our prefrontal cortex so we're not so reactive, that we can act and behave from a place of calm. So how do we do that? Well, part of it is recognizing and being mindful of the fact that our life circumstances are not causing us to feel. It's about creating some awareness of that fact.

Okay, I'm not feeling this way because he said X, Y, and Z. Or I'm not feeling this way because she hasn't done this for me. Okay? That is not the reason why you're feeling. You're feeling a certain way because of the way you're thinking about it. Well,

He's just so high conflict, I'm never gonna be able to deal with him. Okay, well that causes you either anxiety or maybe resentment, maybe anger. Well, that's just your thought. You don't actually know how somebody else is gonna show up. They might've said X, Y, and Z, but having a prediction is just your thought. So it's about how you respond and how you can act and react and behave.

around your thinking, your brain, your thoughts about a situation is gonna make you feel a certain way. So rethinking, re-scripting, moving your thoughts away from the fear, right? And trying to bring a sense of courage, a sense of I can, okay? And when you can change your thinking into the I can't,

you're gonna feel better and you're gonna act and behave and react differently to get the results you're looking for in your life. So how do we activate that prefrontal cortex? How do we move from that fear to growth mode? So it's about building a new relationship with fear, okay? And to reframe fear in our minds.

shifting that fear from like a loud noise that just is going, and just pounding at your head to making it a soothing background noise. So a scenario is, let's say you moved into New York City and every single night you're trying to go to bed and you're hearing the horns honk and you're hearing people screaming in the streets and you're hearing all sorts of ambient noise which is flooding inside of your apartment.

Well, over time, that background noise, that what you thought was the beep, beep, beep, the big loud noises and people screaming, that starts to become something you get accustomed to. And it starts to become more of a lullaby. The white noise of a city begins to feel calming. So you have now built this relationship with something that caused you the fear.

of maybe never being able to sleep again. And now you are allowing for that loud noise to be something that's lulling you to sleep. So it is really just about how you build this relationship with the fear. So you really can't stop the waves. And I love this. If you can picture a guy and he is surfing a wave and he is just going and riding that wave.

until it actually starts to subside. And what he's saying to you is like, hey, listen, I can't stop these waves, but I can learn to surf. looking at fear as a time to grow is how you can shift your thinking around the fear. So getting divorced where most people fall is they feel like they failed.

I don't care if it's a man or if it's a woman. If you are going through a divorce because of those societal norms of till death do us part, we begin to think that we have failed, but you haven't failed. We are all human beings. We are human beings that evolve over time. We evolve to become bigger and better and you can't.

expect for two people who have been together for a long time to be growing at the same pace in the same way. And so when you are getting divorced, if you've decided that this individual is just not going to be your life partner, getting to a place of acceptance, so you can grow from that. is

Divorce is a time for personal evolution. It is a time for self-discovery. It's about rediscovering your authentic self and approaching your fear with awareness and intention is how you move through it and you get to a place of growth. Sorry. So steps to facing your fear, two steps. The first step is awareness.

Awareness. What is the fear? Where do I feel it? How is it speaking to me?

The second step is intention. Why is it there? What is it masking? And what is it telling me to do? Allowing for this awareness of what your fear is. I'm fear that I will not be able to afford a house. Where do I feel that? Well, I'm feeling it in my gut. My stomach is super upset and I'm really

feel like it's knots in my stomach. How is it speaking to me? Well, it's creating a feeling of nausea. And it's speaking to me telling me that I can't move my life forward. I'm so fearful that I'm paralyzed. Intention is, well, why is it here? Well, it's here.

because of my survival mode. We're talked about the primal brain, right? It's literally putting that alarm out, this alert, telling you like, well, you don't have a job that's gonna pay the rent. And it's alerting you to the sense that it doesn't believe that you have the capacity to do this. But what is it masking?

Is it masking a sense of insecurity about maybe your capacity for getting that job? But is it masking the insecurity? Cause you don't feel good enough about yourself to be able to go out there and get training in order to get a job. And what is it telling you to do? What is that intention telling you to do? Well, your intention is to find the things that you can do.

Okay. So it's masking a sense of insecurity. It's masking what you are feeling about yourself and you need to really have some level of intent. Is it, what is it telling me to do? Well, when I'm not feeling good about myself and I don't feel like I have the skillset, the intention of that fear to move to the I can is what can I do? Everybody has skills. Let's focus in on that.

So draw some awareness. What is the fear? Where do I feel it? How is it speaking to me? I'm feeling nervous. I'm feeling anxious. I feel it in my stomach. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Well, why is it there? Well, really it's there because it's not the fear. It's what is causing that fear, which is a real sense of insecurity that I have about what I have to offer the world.

So during this time, it's a very, very hard thing to be facing, but self-compassion during this time is so important. Finding this sense of kindness from the heart. Self-compassion is about talking to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. You wouldn't be beating your friend up being like, dude, you can never get a job. Look at you, you haven't done anything with your life. No, you would encourage them. You would...

point out all the things that they potentially could do. You would support them. You would ask what you can do to help them. Well, ask yourself, what can I be doing for myself right now to give me the courage to go out there and do what I believe I can do versus what I can't? So do not beat yourself up. Treat yourself with kindness.

So this is fear part one. It's about facing your fear. So it is time to take you back. We need to get you to face your fears, move through your fears, make sure that you have an awareness around your fears, understand the intent. What is the intention of my fear? It's getting me to the place where I believe I can. So it is time to take you back.

If you have an interest in really rediscovering who you are and being able to move through a really amazing course that is going to take you through five steps of 26 different interactive modules of learning where you have to do the work. It's a course and it's coursework. I encourage you to take the leap to build this path towards a more amicable resolution. Part of this course,

And some of the options does include chat coaching. You can also bundle it with regular coaching one-to-one Zoom if that is something that you're interested in. The great thing about our course, it also comes with a support group that we meet weekly and you can listen to it via private podcasts on the road, in the car, walk in the dog. You can watch it on video or you can read it. And it also comes in a beautiful kind of PDF book.

So if you want to be printing those out and all the workbook can be done online interactively or else you actually can do it in your journal as well. But if you really don't know what kind of coaching you want and how to work with an amicable divorce success coach, I do have the opportunity for you to be able to schedule a one-to-one call. So if your intent is that you do want to do the work, you just don't know what kind of work is going to be good for you.

take advantage of our free one-to-one call. You can scan the link right there, or you can go to the betterthanbitter.coach backslash application. This actually is the QR code for those of you who are interested, and you can scan that to apply to have a call with me.

So I am the coach of Better Than Bitter. And so you are gonna be booking a call with me if you decide that. And I will consult with you as to what direction and what type of support would work for you. So I really appreciate everybody's time today. I hope that this was really useful. I hope you continue to work with us through our fear series. All of this is in our membership.

We do have a membership program. Our membership program includes weekly support groups and an entire library of educational webinars and workshops, as well as articles and resources for you. You also get discounts on our courses once you become a member. And then also, once we start launching our retreats, you can get discounts on our retreats. So I hope that you go to our website, betterthanbitter.coach.

and that you really do take a look at everything that we offer because I do believe that working with a divorce success coach that focuses on amicable resolutions is the direction that you should go. Thank you again and I hope to get a chance to meet each and every one of you.

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses,

and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach. Daily, you'll find details and additional information on our five-step game plan multimedia course, our one-to-one Zoom coaching, group coaching, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter,

our private Facebook group, Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter™, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.