Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted

The hosts discuss the importance of building trust in relationships and how it can be achieved. They emphasize the need for authenticity, vulnerability, and open communication. The role of consistency in building trust is also highlighted. The hosts explore the positive effects of trust, such as promoting positivity, reducing conflict, and increasing closeness. They also discuss the negative effects of a lack of trust, including a lack of intimacy, negativity, and increased depression and anxiety. In this conversation, Robb and Tina discuss the importance of trust and communication in relationships. They explore the role of fear and intensity in building trust, as well as the idea of being worthy of love. They emphasize the importance of learning from past experiences and not letting them hinder future relationships. They also discuss the need to be open and trustworthy, and to watch and trust the situation rather than being blind or overly suspicious. Ultimately, they highlight the significance of vulnerability in experiencing love.

Explicit

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This podcast and website represent the opinions of Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be interpreted as medical advice or any other type of advice from any other type of licensed professional. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare or other applicable licensed professional with any medical or other related questions. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent that of our places of work. While we make every effort to ensure that the information, we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. Privacy is of the utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect confidentiality. This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony related to the medical profession or any other licensed profession. No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website. In no way does listening, reading, emailing, or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship or relationship with any other type of licensed professional. Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia do not receive any money from any pharmaceutical industry for topics covered pertaining to medicine or medical in nature. If you find any errors in any of the content of this podcast, website, or blogs, please send a message through the “contact” page or email DGTTwisted@gmail.com. This podcast is owned by "Don’t Get This Twisted,” Robb Courtney.

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Twisted. I am Rob, along with my co -host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

I'm good today, Rob. Today's going to be the Super Bowl. So my house is kind of crazy right now, getting ready with all the snacks and stuff for later. Yeah. And guess what? I'm in here doing this. It's fantastic.

Nice, nice.

I know you're getting away from having to do anything. That's brilliant. Very brilliant.

Yes, that rarely happens, so I need to bask in the glory of that. Normally I'm slavin' in the kitchen and don't even have myself together when everybody shows up.

I am basking in the

Basking in the glory.

Baskin in the glory.

Yeah, it's a nice, a nice laugh. So, um, well, we'll jump into this episode. Uh, after last week's where we were talking about, um, basically trust in relationships is challenging these days because we are starting relationships that are probably coming from something wounded before.

There ya go.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

And you said, one of your friends was like, Hey, you guys should do like how to build that trust back and or building trust in general. And I think that's yeah, that's probably a good thing. I think building trust from the beginning is essential. Mostly if we do what we talked about last week and say to our new mate, like these are all the things that happened to me. So.

Yes.

I don't necessarily know that I want to recap everything that's ever happened to me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think that you should either. I mean, you know, things will come up regardless if you start talking and you might just say, oh, yeah, I did this. But I think that the the foundational things that that you're looking for in a relationship and to be trusting it should be, hey, like this thing happened to me. Like, I need you to know that this is a you know, a

Ahem. Mm -mm.

Yes.

point in my relationship that it went south, you know, please understand this part of me. And, and I think that that as a new mate, you should, you know, you should keep things right on the back burner and go, okay, I know that this is an affected, you know, sore, don't rub salt in the fucking thing. Let's see if we can't, you know, you know, be better about it. Because I think that that's kind of the thing.

Right.

Yes.

Um, I found a website here. It says how to rebuild trust after betrayal. Uh, I think that the, there are two totally different things, obviously a new relationship. You're making sure that you're building the initial foundational trust. But I do think that if you're in a relationship and it goes sideways and you've decided to, um, stay in it, that there are things that you have.

Mm -hmm.

to do to rebuild that relationship.

So are we talking about a new relationship? Are we talking about where there was betrayal and we're trying to get it back in the -

I think we should talk about the foundational one from the beginning because a betrayal relationship is a whole other show and I think a whole other like very deep, deep thing that we should really dive into. I do think that some of these things that are on this page are going to work though, because it's like,

Okay.

If you tell me about something, the first one that says consider the reason behind the liar or the betrayal. So I think that you have to think what happened in your new mates relationship and let them explain it. Right. Because those are the things like, let's say, and I hate to say cheating because that's like the easiest one, but, you know, let's say it's a money issue, like you are with somebody and.

you had money issues and they took money from you or, you know, there, how do you solve that particular trust issue?

it comes to money, I think you I think it's okay to keep things separately. I think that, you know, you don't have to have everything wrapped up in in each other, especially if one person has a problem with holding on to money or saving money or paying bills or doing any of that stuff. I mean, let's just be honest, you could financially be screwed in a heartbeat if somebody wants to, you know, go and take a few hundred dollars and go to the

Casino instead of taking care of their responsibilities like you you can't You can't trust people more than they're capable of holding on to that trust You know and and you can't set them up for failure either because they will fail so I think when it comes to money, it's okay to keep things separately and and if

Mm -hmm.

If you want to do something together, do something together, but still have your separate, um, situations going phones, phones, not a big deal. You know, you pay the amount you're supposed to pay every month and that's it. It's not a big deal, but your bank accounts, your, your money, the money you work for, I think that if the person isn't on your level, as far as saving and capable of doing so, you don't, or.

or isn't capable enough to communicate with you that they wrote a couple of checks like that, that could be problematic. So I think that trust is something that you give as a person is capable of dealing with. So you don't set them up for failure.

Right. I think when it comes to money, if you're in a very committed relationship, once you're married, I think it's a whole other thing. But I think if you're in a committed relationship and it's new, and I'm saying under a year, let's just give that kind of the base of the timeline. I think it's okay to keep separate.

Mm -hmm.

bank accounts, but maybe have one that's both in your name that you throw money into to pay the bills. I just think that it becomes interesting when you start talking about, or in that case, you're going to have someone that goes, okay, I pay the rent and you pay all the bills. So you're still putting yourself up for some kind of failure.

After a year though, if you're not married?

Because if you're trusting that, because here's the thing, let's say you're renting an apartment. Now I'm paying the rent and my mate is paying all the bills, but now she stops paying the electrical bill. But I don't know because it's in her name and it's coming to her. And I think you just end up being in a weird spot where you don't understand where the money is going. If it goes into an account where you, and you're just throwing money in, it doesn't matter. Someone's.

Right?

someone's paying the bills. I would probably end up doing it just because I'm kind of a control freak now because I've been single so long. And I have like a calendar that reminds me when my bills are due. It gives me like a three day window beforehand so I can go in. I've just, when you're single and you have a family or a kid and you have to make sure that all your ducks are in the row, I think you become a little more control -ive.

Mm -hmm.

over

So do you look for somebody that's got their shit together with money or do you just like, is that like a note? It doesn't matter to you, you'll figure it out.

I'll figure it out because I would jump out of it very quickly. I also wouldn't move in with somebody after five months. Because I've done that before. I ended up getting married, but at the end of the day, you need a longer period of time, I think, between starting dating and living together. Unless it's just a whirlwind.

And look, that does work for some people. I guess it all matters. I mean, everything we're talking about is a stepping thing, right? A stepping stool.

When it comes to trust though, take your time. You know what I mean? That's like five months and you want to move in with somebody? Like why? Why do you need to rush it up? Because once you rush it up, then you don't get the chance to have the moments that you could be having, getting to know each other and dating. You're married at that. I feel like once you're living together, it's like being married.

For sure.

It is.

You're supposed to be coming home to that person, sharing with that person, being with that person. Like, how do you know after five months if that person's going to be the one? I don't think you do. I think you need to grow and learn about the other.

Correct. I think that's even true if you've known somebody a long time. Because knowing someone and dating someone are two totally different things. Like we talked about a million times and I always liked the socks on the floor reference, but that's the truth. And some people can't deal with that and you have to be able to go to each other's places and see how people live under...

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

every circumstance. I think a year, a year is a good starting point to where, okay, what are we doing in life? Where do we want to go with this? You know, and again, age is also relative, right? If you're 20, if you're 50, then you're like, okay, I'm, you know, I think you know, pretty much what you're looking for within a year, like, okay, this is where, and then, then you start deciding,

Mm -hmm.

what life is going to be. But you have to build that trust along the way and you have to see how people live in their own home. Are they still in a relationship or still talking to people that, how serious is it? And again, opening up is building that. I have no problem with giving my phone to somebody. Do, have at it. And...

Because if you're looking for something, you're going to find it regardless.

Absolutely. That's absolutely true. My mom used to say that all the time. So she's like, spare yourself. Just don't look. You don't need that.

Well, because anything can be taken out of context. You know, like, I mean, and obviously, if you're out and about cheating on someone, it's gonna they're, they're gonna find out or you're going to leave something out that's going to say that. But if you're, if you're, you can might say something to your best friend, right, in a text that's, you know, a girl to a girl or a man to a man, and you might say something.

If you're looking for something in a sentence, you can twist it.

Oh yeah. And if you're looking in my phone, anything that's in there, you can make up something because the way I talk to people and the way I'm open with people. So I always say, if you want to know what I'm saying, just talk to me because I'll be saying it to you too. That's the way it is.

Right.

Right. Exactly. So I do think that, you know, look, if you, if someone wants access to something, um, I have no problem with it because I'm, I'm pretty squeaky, right? I'm clean. I'll tell you like, yeah, this is this person. This is that person. But the only way to build trust with that person is also to come to somebody with some kind of communication skills and not screaming at them. So.

Mm -hmm.

You know, I'm open. This is who I am. I'm, you know, I think that's the bigger thing too. If you're getting into a relationship with somebody, you have to be a hundred percent you. And, and we're not in the dating world. A lot of people will start not, not lying to somebody, but definitely wearing a small mask where you're trying to be the best you right. Oh, I want everyone to like me.

And, and I think that's a bigger fault of building trust from the very first date you ever go on. This is me. Like I'm, you know, and, and I'm very open about who I am as a person. Mostly because I'm in a pop culture and I love like comic book movies and wrestling and these things where like, this is who I am. And if I'm, I'm a man child to some degree, but I'm also, you know,

a single dad, a responsible, yeah, like when it comes to my shit, I get everything done. But on the back end, if I wanna watch an animated movie with my kid, I watch it all the time because I'm into that kind of thing, even though I'm 50. It's like some things you shouldn't grow up on because I think that once you start growing up, you lose yourself. So I think that's the first stepping stone of building trust is being a high.

A Responsible Man Child.

Mm -hmm.

100 % authentic, even if it costs you being with the person that you think you like.

Because if you're...

I agree because if you like them it doesn't it won't work if you can't be yourself. So.

It shouldn't because I want them to like the person I am.

Well, they should like you being you. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's what I mean though. Like I want to be super upfront with like, this is who I am. And if you like me, awesome. Um, and, and if you're not into that, awesome, I can, I can cut the cord quickly and, and be on to the next light, you know, life experience, but.

Right?

finding in dating that because I'm being honest and because I I say what's on my mind that that makes people a little nervous at times and again I'm like well why are you nervous isn't this what you wanted

I'm sure.

Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure you've dated guys already that have have had to step back and go, OK, like this is this is not. Yeah, too much, Tina. And I get that, trust me, and I get that because I'm sure that there's people that I've gone even on one and Duns that were like, this guy is says a lot and I talk a lot and I'll take over a conversation. Because.

Too much Tina.

Or if you're, if you're being too honest, I found that people have a hard time with that. Like they, what do you say? What don't you say? And I always say, if it's something that you are or something that you do, be honest about it. If it's, if it's something that you're feeling, maybe, maybe skip talking about that as much or maybe, but you still need to, that's, that's the problem with it. You still need to, but maybe.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

finding a way that you could say things without it sounding too much. Like either you do it too much or you sound too something. I don't know. When it comes to relationships, you could say one thing and it'll trigger somebody to be like off the chain crazy at any time. So you really do have to be authentic, but yet kind of read the room. You know, know what?

Yeah.

what you should say and what you shouldn't say and know if it's something that's really important that needs to be said later that you kind of table that and wait until it's a better time to talk about.

Mm -hmm.

I agree. There's something on this page, I'm not even gonna talk about big sentences, I'm gonna take words, because I think this one is vulnerable. I think being vulnerable is scary, right? You're putting yourself out there to be judged very quickly. And a lot of people, that's why you're not authentic on a date, right? Because you're afraid to...

Mm -hmm.

say one thing or you tip toe around something and these are the building blocks I think of trust that are essential, right? Mostly if someone asks you a question, you can skirt around things, but I don't think you should ever do it to make yourself look better. You know what I mean? Like if someone asks you, oh, did you, have you ever cheated on someone? Say yes.

because I think that.

Cause really is there anybody, do we know anyone that never cheated?

I mean, I haven't, but no, but I'm, but I, again, I, I'm very much an anomaly when it comes to a lot of shit. So, um, I mean, I didn't drink till I was 38. So.

Never.

I know, that was crazy when I saw you with a drink in your hand.

So, but I told you before, like on the last episode, I'm not guilty of not being the other person. So I'm just as shitty. It's just, I didn't do it. You know what I mean? Like I didn't do it out of, while I was in a relationship, but I was the second person. So it, like it's, it's just as bad. And, but I think that there's something to being honest and being like, yeah, of course I did. Now you might've done it when you were 20 and you're 50 now and you've.

Heheheheh

Mm -hmm.

You went through a marriage and you did this and you did that and life choices are different. And this is part of that banter of building trust in a relationship. You have to be able to say, well, yeah, I did that when I was 20 something, but I grew out of that and I grew up. And I think that's with most things that communication is the total building block of trust.

All right.

But I also think too that...

When you say you've cheated, I would hope that you have the reasons why you went through what you did and felt the way that you had. And then that's what is important to talk about. The cheating is a byproduct of what is or isn't going on in a relationship. And I think that when you're talking to a person and they ask you, did you cheat?

Yeah, you know own it own it because you should but at the same time This is what I was going through This is where we were at and this is why it happened and I think that if you could put that all together and talk about that It's not about the cheating it's about the breakdown of a relationship that shouldn't have been in the first place or that wasn't working at the time that you were in it and

That's where the vulnerability comes from. And that's also where the communication lies. And that's also where the trust starts to build. Because if you're telling somebody, I haven't been touched in six months, life got really freaking shitty and I needed somebody to hold me and it ended up in an affair. If people don't understand that or the person that you want to be with doesn't understand that, then that person definitely isn't for you because you could be in that same situation with them.

you

And they're not going to, they're not going to think about what it takes for you to go through it. And that's, I think how we start to build trust.

125 ,000 % everything you just said was yes, because the affair is a byproduct of being in a shitty relationship. And for whatever reason it is. And I think that that is the next question, right? Okay, so what happened in your relationship that pushed you away? And that's how you build trust, you're totally correct. Because generally,

Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

the byproduct is intimacy because you're not getting something else. And it could be, like you said, sexual frustration or just that emotional attachment because the person that you're with is not emotionally attached to you. They're...

Yes.

Mm -hmm.

They're in the garage drinking beers every night instead of being with you and helping with the family. You know, there's lots of different things that push people away. And you're correct. I think that's the building block of the first trust is, Hey, we're starting, I'm starting a new relationship because of this. And, and when you, and, and it doesn't have to be like a punch to the gut. You shouldn't, you don't have to tell your date that, you know,

Mm -hmm.

down to the last nitty gritty, but you should be able to say, hey, yeah, my last relationship didn't work because of this. And this is why I'm now dating and this is why I'm very open about this. And I think that is definitely the beginning part of building trust.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Absolutely. And not only that, but I find that if you're, if you're honest about what your needs are and what you've been through and why it didn't work when asked, I don't think you need to bring it up every freaking time. It doesn't become a blanket that you could use whenever you want to on the person that's next. That's not what I'm saying. The person that's next didn't do any of the shit that the last person you were with did.

you

So holding them accountable for that isn't going to fix things or make it better. The next one doesn't fix old mistakes. That's not their job. The next one understands that you come from that place and that they're going to have to walk just a little bit gingerly around those subjects. And that's it. That's that's all they should be accountable for is just understanding that that's where you were and understanding that.

that there's certain things that they shouldn't do because it will cause you to fear what comes next.

Mm -hmm.

I think you said it best too is needs. I think there's another building block of trust. When we tell people about our needs, I think that there has to be a very direct statement about that. Because some people, that's their hill to die on, right?

Mm -hmm.

I need this, this and this. And if you're not that person during the first couple of dates, you need to get out. Because if you don't, you're, you're just really, um, going to throw an avalanche on somebody later on when, when you don't want to do the thing that you said you understood. And, and I think, you know, and look,

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

I think that some people's needs are out of control, right? And I think there is a level of, you know, being a partner and being the pool boy, right? I think that you have to meet in the middle somewhere, like, and I think that if you have a partner, they're both, right? You're willing to do these things for your significant other.

Yes.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

But you also don't wanna just be a slave to the grind. Like my only job is to come home and do this, this, and this. Because I think that it beats both people up. And you're not helping build any kind of trust as a partner, right? Trust is also not just to not hurt you. Trust is also to trust that they're gonna be there. To me, that's a...

Mm -hmm.

almost a bigger trust. Do I trust you to be the person that you say you're going to be when I need you the most? And a lot of people say that they're going to be and then end up being something totally different because on paper it sounds good to go, yeah, I can do all that. I can be this and I can be the man of the house and I can do this. And they're saying, well, I can be the woman of the house and I'm going to do this, this and this for you. Okay.

Mm -hmm.

But when I need you emotionally, are you gonna be there? Yeah, I'm gonna be there. And then you end up just being the keeper of the house. I don't want somebody at home that can only do the womanly duties. I need a partner that is going to do much more than that, like emotionally for me and vice versa. And that's building that, the trust of being the person you say you're going to be. So maybe I'm really more saying just,

be super upfront from the very beginning.

And be consistent. You know, I think there's, I think the key to trust is consistency. If you're always the person that does whatever you do, you know, that's what, that's what's expected. That's, that's how I am with my friends. Like with you, me and you are consistent that we talk. We're really honest. We say things probably the other one doesn't want to hear. And we always pick up the phone for each other. Consistent all the time. I could.

Mm -hmm.

depend on that, like I could depend on, you know, being able to say my name if I were to have a, have a concussion. You know what I mean? It's like, I would not forget that that's how we are with each other. It's just how it goes. Or, or my friend, one of my besties, she is a ride or die. Like, if I tell her I hate this guy, she will hate that guy too. Just out of, she is my buddy and, and she's always been consistent. I've known her since she was 14.

Right.

Right.

And she will always be that person because she's been that person. And I have come to really love that person. And I go to her when I need somebody to take my side or when I'm hurt and want to cry because she's going to be that person that'll deal with me. I have another friend who is a bitch all the time. Like if I want to fight with somebody, if I was going to be in a dark alley, she's the one I would grab because she's just that fire.

Again, consistent. These people have been consistent my whole life, our whole lives together. And so I find that that creates a lot of trust. And so just being consistent and letting people see that you're the same every time is a way of building trust. And it's an easy way because all you're doing is being who you are.

Yeah, and those are the things. I just found something online that I thought that this works at least, and we can dive into these, but the thing is why trust matters. And I'll just give you the three things that they talk about. It promotes positivity, it reduces conflict, and it increases closeness. Man, you really can't.

Isn't that what we all want? Those three things, right? Being in a positive relationship where you're being so open about things that, hey, it's happy to come home to. I want to be in a relationship that's so good that when I leave work, I can't wait to get home. Just because it's a good place to be. And not that it's never bad, because we all know that that's insane bullshit, but at least it's better than other things.

reduces conflict for sure. This is 100%. If you trust somebody, your conflict is gonna be way less, at least about certain things. Now, you might have conflict that you didn't do the dishes that night, or you left something behind, but at least I'd rather have that kind of conflict than any kind of relationship.

But is that conflict or is that like just like, oh, come on. Like it's more of a little bit of a frustration, not conflict. Because I would go right in there and just do the dishes. That would be the way I've... Yeah.

Yeah, well.

It's only.

It's only conflict if it's something that happens all the time though. So that I guess that would be the the side of that.

But again, that goes with consistency. If you're consistent, everybody knows where they're at.

You don't have to worry about it. Yeah. And, and obviously being close with each other, it, it's going to build a bond that is very hard to break. And, and I think that when you trust each other, you know, we talked about last week with the first row of friends where they might try, they're, they are trying to poison the well because you're in a great relationship and they're not, and they don't, they would rather see everyone unhappy than anyone happy.

Mm -hmm.

that if you build this strong closeness bond, you're less likely to listen to the outside sources of the people around you.

Yeah Well, you're out your your people shouldn't be doing anything to undermine the relationship that you have They should they should all support it I remember one of my best friends was really mad at her husband about the time that I was divorcing and She's like, I don't know if I could do this anymore, Tina. I don't know. I'm like, nope Nope, you turn right around you fix that shit

You've been together a long time and I don't want to be responsible for another divorce because they say that if you get divorced and you're talking about it with your friends, next thing you know, your friends are going to start having problems. So you got to be careful of doing that because it spreads. And I said, no, you go home and you work with that man and you fix your shit. I don't want to hear anything about you wanting to get divorced. She was mad at me. She was mad because I didn't support where she was at.

And she was frustrated with him, but she stayed and it wasn't that big of a deal. They both had to compromise a little and fix things. It wasn't divorce worthy, you know, but she was really mad. But your friends should support the relationship that you're in unless there's harm being done to you at that case. They should be on your side and your side only. Like I got you not, well, you need to stay with him. No.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Bullshit.

Yeah. And I think that that's, that's physical or mental. If, you know, you have to, and again, that's a trust issue as well. Trusting your friends enough to, to look at your relationship and not poison the well. Like, okay. You have to be, you know, it's not subjective, right? If something bad is happening, you need to step back and go, okay. Cause I've looked at friends relationships and I generally don't.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

do my best not to butt into stuff, because it's not my, I don't live there. So I don't know. You might tell me what's going on, but there's three sides to every story. Yeah. And there's always three. There's hers, his, and the truth. So, and they generally bleed together. But I want to make sure that, that there's a trust bond with everything, right? And I do my best to step back and go, okay, this, this, this, and this, and.

It's only one side. Yeah.

If I really need to say something, I will. But I do my best to skate around a lot of things because it's not my relationship and I don't want to say something that might drive you out of something that could have been fixed.

My job as the friends, I'm kind of the one that keeps everybody together. I'm the one that everybody reaches out to. I'm the glue. And in doing so, my job is to never, never take a side, but I do, I do, I tell them all the time, you're gonna make mistakes. Like make it, share it with me. Let's talk about it. You know, quit being an asshole, do whatever you're gonna do.

But at the end of the day, I don't have any judgment. I don't care. It's not my relationship. It's your relationship. My job is just to support you as your friend. And if you tell me that things are going on and I know you're, you're that person, I'm going to just be like, look, you are kind of a pain in the ass. You do need to quit doing that. Like, why do you have to be mean? Play fairly in your relationship with each other and, and stop being an asshole. I, and you know, my friends allow that.

you

from me because it's not a place of judgment. It's a place of being in the healthiest place you could be. And they know that about me. They know I'm not, I tell everybody I'm nobody's moral compass. I don't want to be in God forbid that be my job because I was being a mess. But at the same time, don't be a dumb ass because I'm going to call bullshit and you know, everybody needs somebody that's just going to be real. And, and I found.

In the friends that I have now that I could be really real and they can be too. I don't have that judgment I don't want their things. I want them to have their things and me to see them happy So I think as as we've grown up we've had different relationships because I can't say that in my 20s My friends were that supportive or that I could be either they were assholes. They were assholes. I don't talk to any of them now you know, there's there's a You have to you have to be a good person and want the best for your people

Great.

in order to have really good relationships too.

I agree. And I think that like trust comes from all different kinds of sides. In a relationship, your lack of trust is, can be the dynamite in the building that takes the whole building down. So here, I think what I'll say is we'll bounce off what I'm gonna say that this page says is a negative and.

Yeah, it's always gonna be a wedge, always.

will give the positive side of why you need trust in this. Because I think these are like the most straightforward issues. The lack of trust can create many problems in a relationship. The lack of trust can also affect your mental health for the following ways. Lack of intimacy. Agree. If you're not trusting your mate, you're probably less likely to want to be intimate with them. So, and it's very important.

and vulnerable.

This one, negativity. I think you end up bringing things up that don't mean shit just because you're pissed or lack of trusting this person. You're like, well, you did this last night or you did that or this. And then you end up throwing stones at each other and you both live in glass homes.

And who wants to end up living in a situation where we're told you're wrong, you're this, you're that after coming home and dealing with people all day long? I don't want to hear that shit. And I know most men don't want to hear that shit.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm, for sure.

They want to come home and be happy to see their wives and their kids or whomever's at home and to just feel like they could breathe, not be hit again by more negativity.

I think with real trust brings peace. And that's what we all really want, I think. On the lowest level we can do is just be at peace with each other. I wanna come home and have the four walls and my mate be the most peaceful place I can be for however much time that I am spending with them. And I think...

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Absolutely.

If you have the utmost trust with somebody comes inner peace and outer peace. Because you're like, okay, I know I'm going to go home. I don't have to worry about this or that. This is what I talked about before last week about being on separate couches with phones in their hands. That is to me is the most untrustworthy thing in the world. Even though it may not be anything, but you're putting a wedge.

physically apart and then you're putting one mentally apart by not having interaction with each other. Phones are the death of relationships, I think, long run anyway. But all of a sudden you have insecurity. You're building insecurity with that because they're like, who are they talking to? Why are you doing this? Why aren't you doing this? And maybe you don't, it's all in your own head because you're building off.

Mm -hmm.

maybe something that was told before, they were in a relationship that didn't work out, and now your insecurity is going sky high instead of going, hey, let's just put our phones down, watch a little TV, cuddle, and talk. This is where I think it starts of building that trust, because after that is this next one, depression and anxiety.

It's very easy to put yourself in that bubble because of not trusting someone.

Yeah, it says that if if there is little trust in a relationship, you might experience higher levels of depression or anxiety because you will constantly question whether your partner is lying or being deceitful.

Yeah, I mean, if that's not it. So how do you think you fix that part? Do you overly share?

No, I think I think that if you're feeling depression and anxiety, you need to work on you has nothing to do with the other person. If you're if you're feeling depressed all the time, what's going on in your world? Is it hormonal? Is it physical? Is it, you know, emotional? What is going on? Because any of that's going to drip into your relationship and cause problems. You know, if there's and then they talk about.

if there's a little trust in your relationship, if there's little trust in your relationship, that's not really a relationship.

Correct, but what I'm saying is that if, like for me, if I'm feeling anxious about a trust issue, do you build that bridge and go to somebody and try to communicate it through? Like, look, I'm a little anxious with this and I don't wanna be. Give me some solace and say, it's just this.

Yes, absolutely.

because I think people are looking for that mostly with, again, I think the cheating part is the trust part in most cases. So let's say your coworker is texting you. To me, you need to step back for a second and say, okay, why? Is it about work? Is it about this? Is it about this? If it's not, how often are they doing it? You have to have someone come to you and go, this means nothing. And I'll tell them to not.

text me or call me away from work.

So, because you don't want that anxiety building, you know, all day long. This is where I think trust has to be 99 % trust. You have to be able to go to somebody and go, yeah, of course I trust you to do everything. I'm not going to, I don't want to go to my work all day and wonder, well, I wonder what they're saying at work. Are they talking about this? Are they trying to break up my relationship? That is the worst way to live in any situation, but mostly a relationship.

I agree. But I also feel like if you're feeling that way and you're always having anxious feelings and depression, you're not in the right place. Like your body's telling you, your body is telling you, no, fuck this. This doesn't feel right because you don't normally have those things if you're in a good relationship.

Yeah, it's telling you to get out. I mean...

Yeah, absolutely. So how do you fix that? You don't you get out like you can't you can't make somebody make you feel better if you're feeling a certain way. That's your body telling you to have to trust yourself and not do that.

You get out.

Yeah, one of them here is fear as well. I think that if you're fearful over whatever on the trust issue, this is another out, not a fix. You can't be afraid what your partner's gonna do next. Like, I wonder if they're gonna do this. You'll live on a razor's edge and... Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. And...

And what ifs will kill it and they didn't even do anything. It's just a what if. Yeah.

And again, I think these are the things that you have to try to build early in a relationship. I think I'm overly open, so I just get in more trouble because I'll tell you, well, if I like somebody, it comes out quick. I've been told that I can be intense sometimes. And yeah, and it's probably very much true.

No.

But it's circumstantial, I think. If, I can be intense and I don't want to say that I'm not. I just think that it's also circumstantial. I was in the person who told me this, I was chasing them and there was other circumstances around where I think I was trying to over show instead of just being who I was. And, and there was, there was no winning the situation I was in.

I think if it was, if I was starting on an even playing field, I do more things that might come off as intense, even though they're meant to be loving. And, and I think that's also learning who your mate is. You have to, um, you have to understand who they are. And I think that's also the building block of, um, communication and relationship, right?

is being who you are 99 .9 % of the time. Because that 0 .1 % is where you kind of have to step back and go, okay, is it worth ruining my relationship over? Nope, it's not.

And you shouldn't have to prove you're worthy. People that want to be close to you will know that. And that's where it starts. Like if they're, if they're, if they really want you, you don't have to be anything because they'll want you regardless because they already do. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to be anything. And that's, that's what I always say. Like if, if I like you,

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

You don't have to be perfect. I don't want you to be perfect. I can't do perfect. I'm not perfect. So I'm okay to to be a mess. I'm okay that you're working on things. I'm okay that you feel a certain way. I'm okay with all of that. But you have to trust that I'm okay with that too. Like I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for somebody that that I feel safe with. I'm looking for somebody that'll have my back. I'm looking for somebody that has

Agree.

you

good moral values, not to say that they weren't an asshole, you know, when they were in their 20s and run around crazy and doing whatever it was they were doing. No, it's in your 20s. Like we're in our 50s now. It's a different. It's a different life, you know.

Correct.

But I do believe that communication communication communication and and don't be wounded Just be like I don't like this. You don't need to say well in my past relationship this in my past No, just say this is what I need. I need somebody that's consistent. I need somebody that will talk to me I need somebody that will talk to listen not to have a reaction just to listen to me. I I want somebody who

who will show up. Like if you don't want to love me, don't love me. Just let me know. We don't have to fake it. I don't want you to fake it. I want you to be honest. And you got to remember that not every person that you're with is the same. Like we talked about my friend whose, whose husband is in jail. You know, she has a lot of fear of, of starting over, of trusting again. And, and rightfully so she is.

Exactly.

She has been wounded by someone that she loved more than she could imagine she could love anybody. And he did her dirty and he had a whole different life that he was constructing and doing stuff to. And she has had to go through things that most women have not. And I get that. But at the end of the day, that was one man, not all men.

Mm -hmm.

at the end of the day, she still did what she was supposed to do. She loved him. She took care of him. She showed up. She was consistent. She did her part. She communicated and she gave it her best. Is she wrong for doing that? No, not even a little. She absolutely is not wrong. That is exactly what you're supposed to do and don't stop doing that. You find somebody that's worthy of that. And could you get hurt again? Yes. For, for...

you

for a number of reasons you could get hurt again. But does that mean you give up on wanting to be loved and loving? Or do you say, you know, that's on them, that's not on me. I didn't do that to them. They did it to me. And then you move on and you find somebody that's not as shitty. You learn from your past experiences and you make different mistakes, not, and hopefully better ones, but no, nobody's going to be perfect and fix that stuff. You just have to

Mm -hmm.

You have to let the old stuff go and you learn lessons. You know what triggers you. You know what to look for so that you're not repeating the same mistake. So let stuff go and remember that people don't make you look stupid for loving them. They look stupid for taking that love for granted.

Mm -hmm.

Correct. Look, I think most people should go into a relationship trusting. I think trust should be there until it's broken. Nothing should be, I wonder if he's doing this, or I wonder if she's doing that. If you go into any relationship starting it like that, you're doomed to fail.

because you're looking for the reason to already get out. We all come with paths and unfortunately some of us can't get away from them. So you have to be with a partner that understands who you are and the way to find that is to be overly open from the very beginning. And some people you'll never be able to bear that cross, right? Because we're not.

Mm -hmm.

I'm not built for that. Some people are built to understand who you are and the way you're gonna find that is to communicate and build that trust bridge from the very beginning of the relationship.

And start off being trusting and loving and kind just as you've always been. That's so important. Like you, you don't need to hold back. You don't need to, I mean, you may not want to say, I want to marry you in the first five minutes of meeting somebody and I would hope that you wouldn't. Do you know what I mean? Like that's, that's not holding back. That's just get, you got to get to know somebody first, but authentically be you and

Right.

Be loving, especially like the friend that I'm talking about whose whose husband is in prison. Like she is one of the kindest, sweetest people you'll ever meet. I don't want her to lose that because she feels like she can't trust anymore. She definitely can trust and she's trustworthy. She will find I believe that you attract who you are and and I believe that she'll find that again and I want that for her because.

It would be a waste of who she is if she doesn't find that again. But living in fear of your past isn't going to make for a really good future. You know, you got to kind of, you got to kind of let things go and let yourself off the hook because if you didn't know what was going on and they were taking advantage and cheating or, or, you know, taking your money or whatever, that's on them. That's not on you.

Right.

Correct, your past isn't an anchor. Your past is something you learn from. Don't let it make you feel that you don't deserve something else. That's part of the problem. So I agree, you'll find the person that you can trust with the utmost of your life as long as you're willing to try it. And if you're not, then you'll never...

Mm -mm.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

be trustworthy enough or trust somebody enough to be in a real relationship. You'll continue to push for it's good at the moment and as soon as you want out, you'll find the reason to be out. So just be willing to be open and...

Mm -hmm.

Be open.

You have to have trust in someone and let them ruin it. Not the other way around. You can't go into a relationship that way.

And you don't have to have so much trust in it that you negate everything that they are and are doing. Trust that they're going to love you and do the right thing. And then just watch. My mom used to say that all the time. Just watch, teen. You don't have to trust me. Watch the situation. And if you watch the situation and you see what's happening, you'll have your answers. You know, don't be stupid with yourself. Don't be blind.

Agree.

But also don't be hard on yourself either. It doesn't have to be that hard.

Mm -hmm. I agree. I think that that should be the the way out of this show. This You know, don't be blind open your eyes, but but definitely Be trustworthy on the front end and it'll probably work itself out

Mm -hmm.

because you owe it to yourself to be vulnerable to love.

There you go. We're gonna leave it at that and make sure to check out our socials. We're on the Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or X. You can catch us on Amazon, Spotify, Apple, YouTube music, YouTube itself. And yeah, it's an opinion show, so don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday.

Enjoy your Super Bowl Sunday, Miss Tina and everyone out there. Hope you guys do as well. And you're listening to this on Wednesday. So it's already over and someone won. All right. I go all right until next week. I'm Rob. That's Tina. We'll see you there. Bye.

Thank you.

Someone won. That's a good way to end that.

See ya!