Many female solopreneurs start a business with nothing more than a good idea, a lot of passion, and a strong sense of purpose. Then they start collecting free and low-cost information and advice, followed by courses and massive group programs that can get them out of the starting blocks but will leave them stuck, stranded, or spinning their wheels at some point because they don’t actually know what they need to succeed or how to implement the information they have and in what order.  

The bottom line is that every single one of us is experiencing what I call “The Gap”, the space between where you are and where you want to be. It might be aspirational, motivational, financial or simply the ultimate expression of your potential or purpose, but however you define it, the gap is painful, especially if you are idealistic, and have a big bold vision for your business and the mark you want to make in the world. 

So, let’s dig into the 6 common problems that hold women back… 

The first 3 often travel together, like an unholy trinity, but I will address them one at a time because even though they frequently show up in our business and life, we don’t always have the entire cluster fuck to contend with at any given time. 

Procrastination 

You mean to do it. You know you should. It's not even that big a deal, but you just keep putting it off. This pattern of waiting until the last minute is called procrastination. It's very habit-forming, stressful, and causes a lot of shame. The good news is that it's learned behavior and what is learned, can be unlearned. You don't need to wait until you feel more motivated to deal with your procrastination, because putting off something you can start doing now is the whole problem. Just identify the first step and take it. Taking action is habit-forming too.

Perfectionism

Other people may sing your praises, but nothing you ever do feels like it is quite good enough for you. One of the problems with perfectionism is comparing ourselves to others, so try comparing your abilities today to where they were a year ago. Since your internal set point isn't working very well, you can also just decide on an objective measure like the amount of time spent on a task or project, instead of waiting to feel that internal sense of approval. Dealing with perfectionism frees up so much energy and joy, so take the first step. It's worth it.

People-pleasing 

You are the kind of person that is always there for everyone and is known for being dependable and hard-working. You really do try to set boundaries and limits on how much you do for others, but it's just so hard to let anyone down. It's becoming increasingly hard to focus on your own goals and sometimes you really do feel resentful, even though you do what is expected of you anyway. A great way to start unlearning the habit of people-pleasing is deciding for yourself what your limits will be and gaining some practice communicating them to others. Maybe a first step would be to tell that colleague who always asks you to help out that you really can't this time. No excuse, no apology. It is hard at first, but with practice, it gets easier and you gain time, energy, and self-respect in the process.

Distractibility

Most entrepreneurs and creatives have so many ideas on their minds that they have a hard time staying focused. Distracted by social media, their environment, other people and even their own thoughts is a constant struggle. It's time to stop chasing so many rabbits! Learn to recognize what is stealing your attention so you can tame the ones that are holding you back. Creating boundaries means you get your most important stuff done.

Impulsivity

Ordering or buying stuff impulsively instead of thoughtfully can become a real problem. Stop and pause for a moment before you click BUY by having a list of what you actually need before you open that app. And, don't think of it as limiting yourself, think of it as being more picky or selective. You will enjoy what you buy so much more and every purchase will be shame-free.

Time blindness 

Running late, whether it's a little or a lot creates tons of stress and can cost you jobs and relationships. Even if you think you've 'tried them all, make a commitment to using a calendar/planner, whether it's digital or analog. Set a reminder on your phone, maybe two. And, don't ignore them. If you don't have a calendar, then get one now - not "someday" or "tomorrow." It's time to put those good intentions into action and stop letting people down, especially yourself.  I prefer to call time blindness ‘time optimism” because I always think I have more time than I actually do, but when I am not joking around or making light of it, I will tell you it has absolutely held me back in many areas of my life with people that see tardiness as a sign of disrespect, immaturity or self-indulgence. 

The good news is that no matter how long you have been contending with one or more of these traits, you can modify them. A great place to start is to take this quiz: “What’s Holding You Back?” https://bit.ly/whyb-quiz

You will receive your specific result and a short series of emails that will link you to podcast episodes, tools, and strategies that will help you make progress.  Be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, and partner with someone who is willing to be your accountability partner. The cool thing about being an entrepreneur is that you don’t have a boss.  The hard thing is that you have to be the boss of yourself.  If you have any of the 6 common traits I described in this episode, and they are common because many of us do, they will limit you from reaching your goals and fulfilling your potential.  I know that word might be triggering for some because so many of us have been told we were not fulfilling our potential for fuckever.  But I am saying it because I believe in you and I want you to close the gap, reach your goals, feel great about yourself and achieve success however you define it.  

And if you are in no mood to think about any of this right now, but you are a fan of the show so you listened all the way to the end anyway, remember that you can come back to this episode in January when you are ready.  This episode will be available for the life of the podcast and I plan to keep that going for a long, long, time. Now, go back for that second piece of pumpkin pie or dark chocolate peppermint bark or whatever floats your boat, because you can and because you fucking deserve it.  

Happy holidays, friend! 

Well, hey, hey there, driven woman and welcome back to the show. Thank you for joining me for this episode, The Hidden Reasons You aren't Reaching your Goals. Now, you might question why I would bring up a topic like this in the week before Christmas. I mean, we are all thinking about other things right? We're not thinking about why we're not reaching our goals. In fact, most of us are trying to think about anything but. But here's the thing, so many female solopreneurs start their business with nothing more than a good idea. Some of you may have started your business this very year, and more likely than not, all you had when you started was a good idea, a lot of passion and a strong sense of purpose. You probably collected a lot of free or low cost information and advice come on. I'm talking freebies, freemiums, downloadables, free webinars, free master classes, all the Facebook groups, right? And then the courses and the massive group programs, and you overwhelmed yourself with so much free and low cost information.

Now, this is not a bad thing per se, cuz it got you out of the starting blocks, right? But at some point, like 99% of us, including myself, got stuck stranded or just felt like we were spinning our wheels, because at that stage of entrepreneurship, we don't actually know what we need to succeed or we don't know how to implement because we have so much information we don't know what to do and in what order. Now, I never used to understand why the statistics on small businesses were so abysmal. The failure rate was so astronomical, and I thought, why the hell would anybody wanna start a small business until I started my own small business and then I began coaching other small business owners. I didn't understand why the rates of failure were so high, but it's because we truly don't know what we're doing and the industry is full, chalk full. We are up to our eyelashes in bad advice, wrapped up in slick marketing that is meant to attract and hold the female gaze. Us, enticing us with seductive slogans and terms like Boss Babe and Mompreneur. You gotta admit it's very, very appealing otherwise, there wouldn't be literally millions of us caught up in trying to create our own business from home.

The business fundamental, they're not sexy, not sexy at all at least not for most of us. And if the marketers told us how challenging it would actually be to launch, grow, or scale a successful and sustainable business come on most of us wouldn't bite. Now, if you're still with me, and I hope you are, you have probably by now worked your way through what I think of as the five stages of grief and loss when it comes to being a small business owner, and you are still determined that your coaching, consulting, or professional services business is going to be one of the survivors. You are not going to be one of the small business statistics. Maybe you've hired some legitimate help, maybe a lot of it, but you still haven't reached the promise land. Now I see you, it is not for lack of will nor lack of skill, and it certainly isn't for lack of trying. But if you are past the stage of all the free advice, you are past the stage of buying and consuming, or just buying and not consuming all the courses.

You're past the stage of being in all the massive group programs where only the neediest most demanding or most extroverted will even raise their hand, much less ask a question. Then you are probably wondering what in God's name, is holding me back because I’ve outlasted most of the people that have come and gone once they figured out this is not actually easy and it's certainly not always fun. So if you are one of the determined ones, you are one of the driven ones, you are one of the women who is in it to win it, and you are not going back to having a boss, I applaud you, brava. Now I planned this episode to be a lot shorter than usual cuz you know how chatty I am, because I legitimately want you to get back to whatever you were doing before you hit play. Whether that's last minute holiday shopping, baking traveling, or simply couch surfing and spiked egg nogging and Netflix. You do you, whatever it is you're doing. Now, if you happen to have any suggestions for my Netflix queue for the last two weeks of the year, my three adult kids will be visiting, and we have very similar tastes in entertainment, namely the deeper and darker, the better, kind of like my favorite chocolate, but I digress.

If you have any of those recommendations, send them my way would you? You can hit me up in the DMs on Instagram @coachdiannwingert, I would love that but here it is. The bottom line is that every single one of us is experiencing what I call the gap. The gap is that space between where you are and where you want to. Now, you might think of it as aspirational, you might think of it as motivational, it may very well be financial, or the gap simply represents the ultimate expression of your potential or purpose. But however you define it, that gap is fucking painful. It is painful, especially for those of us that are idealistic like me and perhaps you. Who have a big, bold vision for their business and the difference they wanna make in the world. The gap is not going away my friend and if you are putting in the time, the energy, the effort, the focus, the commitment, the money, you are investing all of those things in your business and you're not where you wanna be, it's possible that one or more of the reasons I'm about to describe are holding you back.

You ready to dig in? All right, let's do this. First of all, the first three of the six I'm about to describe often travel together. Like I call them the unholy trinity, but I'm gonna address them one at a time because even though they frequently show up in our business and life like the cluster fuck they are, not all of us have to contend with all of them at any given time. So let's start with procrastination, like who is not familiar with procrastination at least some of the time. I mean, at least on an annual basis, when you have to do your flipping taxes, right? I mean, you mean to do it, I know you do, and you know you do. You know, you should. The thing you're procrastinating on may not even be that big a deal, but you just keep putting it off. And this pattern of waiting until the very last minute is the very nature of procrastination. I gotta tell you, friend, it is very, very habit forming. It's also very stressful, like you need me to tell you, and it also causes a lot of shame. Most people who procrastinate, even if they joke about it, feel hard core shame because of it.

We also tend to get called out on our procrastination across the lifespan by partners, by bosses, by other people that you are doing some kind of a team project with and it can really limit you in so many ways. I mean, the reality is, and I'm gonna give you the good news. Procrastination may come more naturally to some people, but it is learned behavior and what is learned can be unlearned. Like you may have an innate tendency toward procrastination because of your personality type, because of your neuro divergence, because of, there could be any number of reasons, it might be easier for you to be a procrastinator and the habit of procrastination is learned and habit forming. So the reality is you don't need to wait until you feel more motivated to deal with your procrastination, because putting off something that you can start doing now is the whole problem. So waiting to feel motivated to address your procrastination is fucking procrastination. So I wanna encourage you to just identify procrastination is the problem, and let's call that identification the first step because here's the truth, taking action is also habit forming.

All right, the next one, perfectionism. Okay, I got my hand raised on this one too because the thing about perfectionism is that other people may sing your praise. I mean, let me sing your praises like the Vienna Boys choir, but for you, nothing you do ever feels like it's quite good enough, you can always imagine that it could have been better. One of the problems with perfectionism is we tend to compare ourselves to others. So if you're gonna compare yourself to others anyway, maybe you try comparing your abilities today to where you were a year ago instead of comparing yourself to someone else because your internal set point isn't working very well. It's like a malfunction so you can just decide as an objective measure, like the amount of time you spend on a task or a project is enough like that's how I manage my perfectionism. \

Before I said about doing a task, which I know subjectively is never going to feel good enough, I know it. I got lots of experience with being myself so I decide this is the amount of time I'm going to spend on this particular task or project, because if I wait to feel an internal sense of approval, it ain't gonna happen. Dealing with perfectionism will free up so much energy and restore so much joyfulness to your life it is totally worth it to take the first step. So if you like my suggestion that instead of waiting until the blog post you're writing or the podcast episode you're recording, or the website you’re tweaking, whatever it is, the wreath you're making to hang on your door at the last minute, whatever it is. Decide how much time, how much energy, how much focus, how much effort it deserves, and give it that and no more. Your internal set point is never gonna be satisfied, so don't let that internal approval be the measure.

All right, moving on, people pleasing. Remember I said the whole unholy trinity? It's the Triple Ps. Procrastination, perfectionism and people pleasing. With people pleasing you are, and a lot of people don't like this term, to be honest. One of the assessments I do with my one-on-one coaching clients is an assessment of their tendency. Their tendency is how they deal with expectations, and most people are obligers. You've probably heard me refer to this before on the podcast. 42% of people are obligers. That's a big bulk of people, which means we, all of the people in that category, which is almost half of us, have a tendency to put the expectations of others as more important in terms of what we get done than our expectations of ourselves.

That's kind of low key people pleasing folks so if you are the kind of person that is always there for everyone and is known for being dependable and hardworking, you have some of these tendencies. Now, you may try hella hard to set boundaries and limits on how much you do for others, but it's just so hard to let other people down. Now it's becoming increasingly hard to focus on our own goals anyway, because there's so much going on in the world. But if you feel resentful, of all you do for others, that's a sign that you may be ready to address your people pleasing. A great way to start unlearning the habit of people pleasing cuz again, while you might be more prone to it because of your feminine conditioning, because of your religion, because of your culture, because of the family you grew up in or your own innate personality traits, people pleasing is a habit. And remember what I said before, habits are learned and what is learned can be unlearned so a great way to start unlearning the habit of people pleasing is to decide for yourself what your limits will be, and then get some practice communicating those limits to others.

That's very general, I get it. I don't wanna put words in your mouth so an example of a first step with a colleague who always asks you to help out, I can't this time, that's all you say. I can't this time. You're not making any predictions about the future. You're not even dealing with the future. You're saying I really can't this time. The crucial thing about this, no excuse, no apology and the explanation, the justification, the rationalization, aka the excuse is literally going to like little soldiers, trying to clamor to the front of your mouth and escape. Don't let them keep your lips firmly pressed together and pinch yourself somewhere if you need to, because we have the default yes when we're people pleasers. The default yes is another one of the concepts I teach that yes makes people happy.

Yes is easier than no and once you get in the habit of yes, being a yes person, which is people pleasing, it's going to feel wrong somehow just to say no and not explain. But do your very best not to explain, no is no and believe it or not, it gets easier. It really truly does. No matter how hard it seems at first with practice, it gets easier to set limits to say no and to not explain, justify, rationalize, or apologize. When you say, I really can't this time, and your shoulders are relaxed and you have a genuine smile on your face, that's really hard for people to try to negotiate because you're not being an asshole. You're just saying, I really can't this time, not only does it get easier, but what you are going to gain back in time, energy, and self respect so, so worth it. This one needs practice, but don't give up because it's totally worth it and you will get better.

Okay, ready for the next one, distractability. Now, a lot of people who never, ever, ever thought of themselves as distractable before discovered the pandemic and the shelter in place introduced them to just how many distractions there are in the world when you're not in the structured, supervised workplace, and as many of us are now working from home, whether by choice or we don't have the choice, distractions are plentiful right? Internal distractions and external distractions and interruptions are also a form of distraction. Most entrepreneurs and most creative people are also distracted by their own ideas, and they have a hard time staying focused because they have so many things on their mind. In addition, we are distracted by social media. We are distracted by our environment, what is going on around us, distracted by other people, and countless interruptions. It is a genuine struggle, so it might be time just saying to stop chasing so many rabbits. If we can begin to learn what is stealing our attention, we can tame the things that are holding us back. When we create boundaries, we limit our distractions, and that allows us to get our most important work done.

The next one, impulsivity. Okay this is the time of year where we got a lot of boxes arriving at the door and probably have been for weeks, if not months. So ordering or buying stuff impulsively because you want to give someone a special gift and then you see something else that you know they would like even better so you get that too. This can become a real problem and I think a lot of us, since we've been spending a lot more time at home the past few years, it's kind of become a form of entertainment and relief from boredom to buy and order things online simply for the dopamine hit we get when the doorbell rings and we know it's the Amazon guy or gal. But buying stuff impulsively instead of thoughtfully and intentionally can become very addictive like most things. And my suggestion is stop and pause for a moment, count to 10 before you click buy or have a list of what you actually need before you even open the app. You can choose to think of it as limiting yourself, but maybe you can also think of it as being more choosy or more selective. I like thinking of it that way, I'm more selective. I promise you will enjoy what you buy so much more and every purchase will be shame free.

Now, I'm only talking about impulsivity when it comes to buying, but there are all kinds of other reasons why impulsivity can hold you back from reaching your goals. A couple of them that come to mind are impulsively saying yes to every opportunity or offer that comes your way. I had to really learn with this podcast, for example, because in the beginning it was crickets and if you're thinking about starting a podcast, it will be crickets for you too. But soon enough, you will begin developing an audience, they will start listening and sharing and liking and downloading, and you will be on your way. And once you've been doing it for a couple of years and you're reasonably good at it, you will start getting pitches from people who would like to be your guest. The better your podcast is ranked, the more pitches you'll get. I'm now receiving dozens of pitches unsolicited every week, and in the beginning it was like, oh wow, cool so and so wants to be a guest on my podcast, I'm really a big deal now, probably not. That's probably not what it means, but it feels flattering. So impulsively I would say, hell yeah, yes, love it. Well, as you know, I only do two guest interviews a month.

I can't say yes to a lot of these pitches, or I will have interviews backed up a year in advance. I don't want that. I also don't want to interview anybody and everybody who says they would like me to do so because it might not be a fit. You might not like them, they might not be a good guest. They might be obnoxious, like so I had to curb my enthusiasm, aka my impulsivity, and stop pressing yes. Some of the ways I manage my impulsivity in my business are, and I have an agreement with my assistant, every time I get an exciting new idea, of course I wanna run with it, I have trained my assistant to say, Diann, that's a great idea. I love it, let's talk about that next quarter because we're focusing on these goals and these priorities and these projects now. I get the hit of excitement from the thing I was thinking about, but I'm no longer taking action on those impulses. And because I know I'm impulsive, I have accountability in the form of someone who's on my team who reminds me just because it's a good idea doesn't mean you have to impulsively start running with it.

The last one is time blindness. Now, most people use the term time blindness, I prefer time optimism because I always seem to think I have more time than I actually do. But running late, whether it's a little or a lot, creates tons of stress and can cost you opportunities, clients and relationships. Here's the thing, even if you think you've tried them all, cuz my clients of course tell me I've tried everything, I want you to make a commitment starting in January of the new year. You don't have to do it right now, but make a commitment to buying and using, using is the operative part, a calendar or planner, digital or analog, it doesn't matter, buy the one that you will use. Don't get swept away with what your best friend or your biz bestie or some guru you admire recommends. Use the one that works for you, if it is old school as fuck, and it is so basic, you're embarrassed, but you'll use it, then freaking use it. Set reminders on your phone maybe two, I've learned that I sometimes need to have two reminders because I'll see the first one, I'll go, yeah, yeah, I still have time. But then when the second one comes, you're like, oh no, it's go time, I no longer have any faffing around time. If you don't have a calendar, please get one now.

Don't say someday or tomorrow, like literally order one now. You will have it before the new year then you'll have a chance to get used to the design of it and how it works and how to make it work for you. I think it's time to put those good intentions to action, if for no better reason than to stop letting people down, especially yourself. I can tell you that all joking aside, I no longer wanna make light of my challenges with time because I will absolutely confess it has held me back in so many areas of my life. I'm not gonna go into the gory details, it's the holidays after all. But let me just say that many, many people see tardiness as a sign of disrespect, immaturity or self-indulgence. None of those look good on me, and I suspect they don't look good on you either. So the list again from the top, the six common problems that may be holding you back and the hidden reasons you're not reaching your goals, procrastination, perfectionism, people pleasing, distractability, impulsivity and time blindness.

Now, if this list bears a strong resemblance to the comment section on your grade school report cards, or perhaps later in life, your annual performance reviews prior to you pulling the trigger and starting your own business, that is, it's because these patterns tend to begin early in life. If it seems that they're getting worse with age and you're a woman, the most likely culprit is that life got busier and more complex as you took on adult responsibilities. I'm gonna throw a little feminist rhetoric in here because the unequal distribution of household labor when children enter the picture, at least for straight couples does make managing these things more challenging for women as we go through life. And if you happen to be perimenopausal or menopausal, the change of hormones can make all of these things a bigger challenge. But it's the holidays, I wanna have some good news and the good news is that no matter how long you've been contending with one or more, or most of these traits, you can absolutely make progress modifying them or adding systems or supports into your life so that they no longer hold you back.

If you happen to have ADHD or are gifted or both like me, you, no doubt will have several of these traits. When the time comes for you to get serious about moving the needle in your business please, if this describes you, make sure you are working with someone who really, really understands your unique brain. Now if you identify with some or most, or maybe all of these, but you're like, well, yeah, but where should I start? I recommend starting with the one that is kind of the core trait for you, because lots of times when we start addressing one trait, it's like Jenga. Some of the other blocks start to fall apart and sometimes when we address the core trait, we make enough progress that addressing the other traits now seems doable. A great place to start is to take my quiz aptly named, What's Holding You Back, there is a link in the show notes.

Now, if you haven't taken the quiz already, here's what will happen. You're going to receive your specific result, which of these six common traits that hold women back is your core trait. Then you're gonna get a short series of emails, they will link you to previous podcast episodes where I do a deep dive into this particular trait. You will also get tools and strategies that will help you make progress. I want you to be kind to yourself, patient with yourself, and if you need to partner with someone as an accountability partner so that you actually act on your good intentions to address this. One of the coolest things about being an entrepreneur is that you don't have a boss, right? It's one of my favorite things, but the hard thing is that you have to be the boss of yourself. If you have any of these six common traits that I described in this episode, and they are common because so many of us have them, they are limiting you.

They are limiting you from reaching your goals and from fulfilling your potential. Now, I know that word potential might be triggering because so many of us have been told that we were not fulfilling our potential for like fuck ever, like ever since we were little. But I'm using that word because I want you to know I believe in you and I want you to close your gap. Close the gap, reach the goals, feel great about yourself. Proud of yourself and able to achieve success on your terms, however you define it. Now, if you are in no mood, whatever, to think about any of this right now, I get it. It's the holidays, but if you're a fan of the show, and I'm assuming you are, if you've listened all the way to the end. Remember, you can come back to this episode in January or whenever you are ready. It will be available for the life of the podcast, and I plan to keep that going for a long, long time. So go back for that second piece of pumpkin pie or that serving of dark chocolate peppermint bark, or whatever floats your boat because you can and because you fucking deserve it.

Happy holidays friend.