Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle is a serialized, comedy, audio drama. Listen to the stories of four ladies who started a rap battle in a Manitoba correctional facility during the 90s. In this episode Chartreuse and Mabel cook up a spread while Miss Minj and Cuddles discuss the finer points of growing habanero chilis.

For more information check out our website at deepdrag.com

A full list of music and sample credits can be found here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57901336

[Narrator] In 1998 a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.

These are the stories of the women inside.

[Song Lyrics] Come on now!

That's right!

When I say hard you say time.

Hard!

[Chorus] Time!

When I say rap you say battle.

Rap!

[Chorus] Battle!

That's right suckers!

Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle!

[Cuddles] Hey you all, your favorite girl is here.

Come on over and get your water coolers.

[Chartreuse] Ice ice baby.

[Chartreuse] So so cold.

[Cuddles] Now, let's see.

This one is for the gun tower.

I've got extra ice in here.

Don't want that guy getting hot and shooting anyone.

And this one's for Cherokee.

I put half ice and half water just like you like it.

[Chartreuse] Ooh damn Cuddles!

You sure do know Cherokee.

Cherokee loves sipping her some ice water all day long.

[Cuddles] I've got two for the day room.

You ladies want to take these and set them on the table over there?

[Chartreuse] Oh yes ma'am, you know it gets hot in the day room.

We need lots of water.

[Chartreuse] All right, Cherokee's up in the office pouring a tall glass.

Where's my order?

[Cuddles] There you go yogurt curry and four pounds of chicken.

[Chartreuse] Oh vindaloo curry!

This takes me back.

Girl, you coming to the spread today?

We laying it out at one o'clock in the yard.

[Cuddles] Can I bring Miss Minj?

[Chartreuse] Shit yeah girl.

Ain't no bad blood between us.

We just doing, uh how you say, a friendly wager.

[Cuddles] Oh I almost forgot.

I got some habanero chilies.

[Chartreuse] Oh damn girl!

You done outdid yourself.

[Cuddles] Don't put those on the spread.

They're really hot.

[Chartreuse] That's the truth.

Most folks can't handle no spice.

But Chartreuse likey likey.

[Chartreuse] Mabel you up?

I got the supplies girl.

Come on Mabel, you said you needed work.

You gonna cater this spread or what?

[Mabel] Is that today?

[Chartreuse] Girl, here's everything that you need to cook the chicken vindaloo.

Now make sure that shit's ready before one o'clock yard.

[Mabel] Yeah yeah, okay man.

[Chartreuse] What's up with you girl?

Oh my lord, you high as hell.

What the hell was you thinking?

We got this spread and the goddamn rap battles tonight.

[Mabel] I just woke up feeling...

You know how it is in here sometimes.

[Chartreuse] Well, can you cook?

[Mabel] You know next week gonna be my 10th anniversary in here.

Ten years!

[Chartreuse] Can you cook the chicken vindaloo or what?

[Mabel] It's a spread.

Ain't nothing to it.

[Gun Tower] Resume program.

[Miss Minj] How did I end up in the clink?

Right, you just come out and ask don't you.

Just like an American.

No discretion, no savoir faire.

Yeah, straight to the point eh.

Americans always like to bully their way through conversations, don't they.

[Cuddles] I'm American.

[Miss Minj] Well then you tell the man how I ended up here.

[Cuddles] Well about five years ago...

[Miss Minj] See, that's what I mean.

Here I am about to answer the question and Cuddles cuts right in.

[Cuddles] Should I answer or...

[Miss Minj] No Cuddles.

No you shouldn't answer, okay.

You shouldn't bully the conversation.

[Miss Minj] Um right, so like about seven years ago I used to have like an exotic pet

shop, you know.

I always loved like animals and like rare animals so I thought like maybe I could just

open up like a pet shop, and you know, sell them, and make a bit of money.

like dwarf puffers, and zebra plecos, and black

ghost knife fish, like all the different kinds of fish.

It was like amazing.

So like one day this bloke comes in and he's like, 'Hey you know, I'm Alice Cooper's manager,

and you know Alice is playing tonight, and he wants like an exotic animal.'

And I'm like what?

Like first of all like what's Alice Cooper doing playing Sheffield, right?

I didn't even know that like somebody as famous as him would come and play Sheffield, you know.

Think like London Town or like Man City, but you don't think fucking Sheffield.

But like whatever.

So I look around the store and I'm like, well I'm a little low on stock and I'd like to

move some of these tropical fish I got.

So I'm like what about like a giant aquarium full of like zebra fish, right?

And he's like, 'No no.'

He's looking around and he's like, 'What about him?

What about that guy?'

Then I'm like, 'Who Frank?'

And he's like, 'Yeah, how much?'

And I say, 'Well, I guess I could part with him for like 200 quid.'

And he goes, 'Done.'

[Narrator] What was in the cage?

[Miss Minj] See, here we go again.

I'm trying to like build suspense or whatever and you just jump right into it.

All right, fine.

You want to know what was in the cage?

Me pet boa constrictor, Frank.

So long story short I sold Alice Cooper his first snake, okay.

You happy now?

But anyways so going on with the story.

Like the next morning his manager comes back and he's like Alice loved the snake.

The crowd went wild for it.

And uh I was thinking you know um if you wanted to... the tour is headed to Canada and we

need somebody to bring the snake.

[Miss Minj] And I'm like, 'What?

No no I can't be bothered.

I'm not gonna bring the fucking snake to Canada.

But then he counts out 2 000 quid right there on the counter.

And he's like, 'This should cover transportation or whatever.

And I'll give you another grand when you deliver.'

I'm like, '3 000 quid to jump the pond with a snake.

Uh yeah, I'll take that job.'

So I start looking into like private planes, but they wanted like a shitload of money.

So I'm thinking like, 'Well I could probably save a bit of money if I flew commercial.'

So that night I put Frank in my duffel bag and I just boarded the plane.

Because back then they didn't have like the same regulations that they do now, right.

So, no one pulled me aside to check my bag.

I just walked straight onto the plane.

It worked so well that they actually had me fly with Frank like six more times.

But then finally one day, I'm waiting for a flight from Vancouver to Los Angeles and

I guess some nosy bitch saw that me bag was like wiggling or whatever.

And she's like, 'Hey look at her.

You know she's got something in that bag.'

So security comes around, and they're like, 'Hey what's in the bag, you.'

And I'm like, 'Oh you know nothing or whatever.'

But then I see they're gonna open the bag.

And I'm like, 'Wait wait wait!

You know, you can't just open a bag with a boa constrictor in it.

Like frank needs him a lullaby sung in order to get like relaxed like, you know.

It's a big snake.'

So I don't want to go into the details, but needless to say one of them security birds

ended up in a hospital or whatever, and I ended up in here.

But you know like for me, honestly like, the worst part of the whole thing was that Frank

didn't get to make his debut in Los Ángeles.

[Narrator] Excuse me, where?

[Miss Minj] I mean that's how the Mexicans say it.

I mean it's like a Mexican word, right?

So that's not like weird to say it like that.

[Gun Tower] In line!

[Chartreuse] So you want to know what a spread is?

Well typically, what you do is you take like six packs of ramen.

And then you throw in, you know like, some mayonnaise and some crushed up Fritos.

I mean some people throw in some cans of tuna, but today we got a special treat because Mabel

put in that chicken vindaloos.

Mm-hmm.

[Mabel] Where you want this spread, girl?

[Chartreuse] Put that shit on the table in the shade.

[Chartreuse] So like I was saying the secret to the spread is is that you got to eat it

while it's hot.

You know, cause once them noodles get cold ain't nobody gonna fuck with that shit.

You know what I'm saying?

So that's why we got ours in a black trash bag.

[Mabel] You want me to open it up?

[Chartreuse] Yeah girl.

Let's get this spread moving.

[Chartreuse] Yeah, that shit looks yummy.

Hey y'all, we got a spread going on over here.

Come get yourself some chicken vindaloos.

Here you go.

Here's a plate for you.

And here's a spoon for you.

Here's one for you, girl.

Hey come get in on this spread.

All y'all is welcome to it.

And uh don't forget that the rap battle is tonight and you know Chartreuse is gonna be

dropping some bars and spitting some fire.

[Narrator] Is this a way for you to get people to vote for you at the rap battle?

[Chartreuse] Oh hell no!

I know you ain't trying to play that mess.

You got Chartreuse all wrong, you understand.

I'm out here trying to do something for these nice women's.

You know, give a little bit back.

Some of these ladies are so broke they can't even afford tooth powder.

[Miss Minj] Welly, welly, well, what have we got here?

Looks like good old Chartreuse is throwing a spread.

[Chartreuse] Yeah grab a spoon.

Mabel went all out cooking up this vindaloos.

[Miss Minj] Oh yeah?

I always like a good curry.

Got any heat in there?

Best curries always make me eyes water.

[Chartreuse] Oh child, you know I got that fire.

habanero chilies.

[Miss Minj] You think those got heat, do ya?

I could munch those all day.

[Chartreuse] Well for some people these is hot, but uh Chartreuse like to eat them like candy.

[Chartreuse] Umm, hmm, yeah that's a good chili.

Not real spicy as a matter of fact, but uh yeah it's got a nice flavor.

Um yeah yeah, these chilies take me back.

This reminds me of when I was a baby.

[Chartreuse] Okay yeah, that's got a little heat to it.

Mm-hmm okay, that one creeps up on you.

That's that creeper chili.

Hey Mabel, you got some water that you can lend me for a minute or a piece of bread I can hold?

[Mabel] Sorry girl, I didn't bring nothing like that out.

[Chartreuse] Oh shit girl, my tongue is going numb right now.

I think I gotta go to the dookie room.

[Mabel] Chartreuse, you're gonna have to go on the yard.

Building's locked up till two o'clock.

[Chartreuse] The yard? Hell no.

I ain't dropping my drawers in front of everybody and the gun tower.

[Miss Minj] There's a loo up in educations.

[Chartreuse] I can't tell which end it gonna come out: my doo doo hole or my mouth.

[Cuddles] I use the bathroom in education all the time.

[Chartreuse] Well shit, I ain't never finished school so I might as well check it out.

I'm about to doo doo in my pants.

[Chartreuse] All right, let's see.

That's an office.

That's a classroom.

Where this goddamn dookie room at?

Oh lord!

Oh thank God!

Oh shit, that's fire!

That's fire out my doo-doo hole.

God damn, I'm gonna have to put some water on this motherfucker.

It burn like hell. That shit like Satan's breath like Satan's tongue up in my doo-doo hole.

Oh lord Satan that burn that burn my doo-doo hole.

Oh God damn, that was a close one.

Them ain't no motherfuckin joke ,I tell you what.

[Chartreuse] All right.

Keep your wig on.

I'm just finishing up.

[Correctional Officer #1] This is a correctional officer bathroom.

Open up immediately.

[Chartreuse] Oh shit, this is a cop bathroom?

Damn Chartreuse, you done did it now.

Uh uh just a second officer.

[Correctional Officer #1] Get down on the floor and put your hands behind your head.

[Chartreuse] Hey hold up officer.

There seems to be a confusion.

I never would have come up into your house and use your doo doo room on purpose, you feel me?

[Correctional Officer #1] Search her for weapons.

[Chartreuse] What?

Weapons?

What you talking about?

All I got is a little dookie paper on my shoe.

Oh shit, yeah! Damn, you thorough as hell.

You get up on all them nooks and crannies, don't you.

Oh shit child that tickles. Damn you giving Chartreuse fits right now.

[Correctional Officer #1] Cuff her.

[Chartreuse] Oh no no no.

I just got lost ain't no need for handcuffs.

Hey, hey, where you taking me, man?

Come on.

I need to go back to the yard.

[Correctional Officer #1] Please follow the white line.

[Chartreuse] No no, hold up a minute.

This is all just a big old misunderstanding, you feel me?

[Correctional Officer #1] You can tell me all about it when we get to the security unit.

[Chartreuse] You taking me to the SHU for using your toilet?

Come on man, you know that ain't right.

[Miss Minj] What's this?

Chartreuse is on the way to the hole?

Chartreuse love, did you wander into the wrong loo?

[Chartreuse] Oh hell no.

That dirty, ass, snake in the grass.

Miss Minj, you done done it this time.

She done you dirty Chartreuse.

She done you dirty as hell.

[Cuddles] Is there any more chicken vindaloo?