Show Notes

Episode Summary

Most couples don't skip counseling because they don't need it — they skip it because they're hoping the damage will fix itself if they give it a little time. It won't. In this episode, Hasani and Danielle expose why time doesn't heal a marriage (structure does), why most therapists are dangerously underqualified to handle infidelity, and why the couples who invest in vacations, cars, and courtside seats hesitate most on the one investment that decides everything else. They answer four real questions from couples debating whether they need professional help, whether their current therapist is even equipped, whether it's worth going into debt for, and who to call when they're finally ready.

What You'll Learn

• Why "let's just move forward" is one of the most dangerous sentences in a marriage after infidelity
• The broken-leg analogy — why marriages that "heal on their own" heal crooked
• Why so many husbands resist counseling until it's almost too late (and the "cave you fear to enter" reframe)
• The alarming stats: 90% of therapists received no infidelity training in grad school; only 13% of couples felt their therapist addressed the affair
• The difference between coaching and therapy — and why most couples in crisis actually need both
• Rule One: "You listen to people who have what you want and have been where you've been"
• Why a counselor who's been divorced three times isn't the person to guide your marriage
• The two qualifiers to look for: experience and expertise
• Why the money conversation is really a values conversation
• Master P and the $25,000 consultation that changed the music industry — and what it teaches about investing in your future
• Why some couples need a therapist, a coach, AND a pastor on their team

Timestamps

• 0:00 — Cold open: the questions most couples avoid
• 0:41 — Time doesn't heal a marriage — structure does
• 1:00 — Q1: "Can our marriage heal without professional help?"
• 1:20 — What are you actually moving forward into?
• 2:47 — Why men resist counseling until it's almost too late
• 3:29 — The broken leg that heals crooked
• 4:09 — What couples spend money on instead of counseling
• 6:03 — The pivot: when counseling finally works
• 7:19 — The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek
• 8:32 — Why the best coaches aren't on your side — they're on your marriage's side
• 9:43 — Q2: "How do I know my therapist isn't equipped for infidelity?"
• 10:13 — The alarming statistics on untrained therapists
• 11:02 — The backache analogy: generalist vs. specialist
• 11:53 — Coaching vs. therapy: where each one helps
• 13:16 — Rule One: You listen to people who have what you want
• 15:31 — The counselor who had been married three times
• 16:24 — Q3: "Is professional help worth going into debt for?"
• 16:56 — What's the cost of NOT getting help?
• 17:40 — What people actually get into debt for
• 19:00 — The law of diminishing returns
• 19:19 — Master P and the $25K consultation that changed music
• 20:42 — Q4: "Do I need a therapist, a coach, or a pastor?"
• 20:52 — The Last Chance Weekend — 3 days = 8–12 months of counseling
• 21:43 — Why you might need all three on your team
• 24:24 — Choose a specialist in the area of your deficiency
• 24:50 — Outro

Notable Quotes

• "Time doesn't heal. Structure does."
• "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."
• "You listen to people who have what you want and have been where you've been."
• "It's better to be a meaningful specific than a wandering generality." — Zig Ziglar
• "We're not fighting for your first name. We're fighting for your last name."
• "This isn't a money conversation. It's a life-or-death one."
• "What's worth getting in debt for?"

Resources

• Book your Free Discovery Call → https://sites.leadconnectorhq.com/preview/KMVHbHjAqodMCE6UILTT
• Join the next Last Chance Weekend → https://go.couplesacademy.org/last-chance-weekend
• Call us → 470-771-6254
• Website → couplesacademy.org
• Submit a question for the show: drop it in the YouTube comments

Connect With Us

• YouTube: Marriage Intervention by Couples Academy
• Apple Podcasts & Spotify: Marriage Intervention
• Website: couplesacademy.org

Call to Action

If this episode hit home, subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next. If you're ready to stop guessing and finally invest in the one thing that decides everything else, book a free discovery call at couplesacademy.org.

Do You Really Need Marriage Counseling After Infidelity? - YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOysddQGSyw

Transcript:

(00:22) >> That therapist is never going to work with you to give you the coaching that you need to take you from where you're at to where you need to go. Is professional help worth going into debt for or are there real options for couples who can't pay top dollar? >> That's not the only cost. There's a lot of cost to infidelity.

(01:01) But time doesn't heal. Structure does. Today we're talking about getting the help that you need. Four questions, one topic, real answers. Let's get into it. Okay, Danielle, I think this is a great conversation to have because many couples are split on this topic. So, let's dive into it and provide some insight. Uh, first question.

(01:40) You could be moving forward into divorce. You can be moving forward into more of the same toxicity. You could be moving forward, you know, staying in a toxic marriage where your children have to wake up to this every single day. Right? So it's not about just moving forward. It's about understanding the need to to get a grip on the problem before we do anything else.

(02:16) Or a lot of people just don't want somebody speaking into their lives at all. they don't appreciate the counsel that the wise counsel that comes from somebody actually speaking into their world. So, I don't think it's wise to try to go at it alone. I think that in order for any couple to move forward, it it's important for them first to understand what's broken, right? How can you heal before you understand the parts that are broken? And whether you arrived at the first counseling session due to infidelity or whether it was simply

(03:11) And you know, it seems like there's some resistance to this whole process. And I was that guy. I was that guy that didn't want to go to counseling. I didn't want to sit down with anyone. I didn't want nobody telling me how to live my life and how to run my relationship. I didn't want to go to the pastor because I didn't want him preaching about our situation from the pull pit. I was against it.

(03:49) Like if I have a cut, eventually over time it'll heal. But if there's a major rupture, it does require assistance. And think about it. If I broke my leg and say I'm not getting help, I'm not going to the hospital. Over time, it'll heal, but it's going to heal incorrectly. and I may be walking around for the rest of my life with a limp because I didn't give it the attention that it deserves.

(04:27) They spend money on lots of things to cope with pain that they don't know how to deal with. And so my point is if you don't go to counseling, what are you doing in replace of it? Do you have the knowledge? Do you have the skills? Do you have the tools to navigate and facilitate yourself through this relationship? I think not.

(05:06) You know, I didn't want counseling and I didn't want this and you know, at the time I didn't know that, right? I just remember you always having some alternate suggestion like you, you know, it's like, let's go to counseling. Oh, let's get this book, you know, uh, let's go to counseling. Oh, let's watch this video.

(05:40) But what I do know is that when we finally got into some counseling, that was where the pivot took place. I mean, it did begin with books, right? It did begin with listening to stuff on TV, but there was no real solution given. there was more information and more um alignment with the struggles that we were going through.

(06:34) and the other one is just the enemy, right? But there's always two sides to every coin. Very true. And so when you go into an environment like that where you know the coaching is balanced, right? There's they're not biased. They they they don't sit with you in your kitchen. They didn't you know deal with you at home when whatever crisis happened.

(07:19) You know, it's almost like we always say like the the cave you fear to the answer is the one that has the answers, right? That that's the thing. It's like you just have to cross that bridge. And once you get into that environment where you realize, oh, it's everyone's not against me.

(07:57) So they feel like they don't have a space. And so, yes, to your point, the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. So many men said, "Oh my god, I'm so glad that finally I feel like there's a safe environment for me to express myself and have somebody facilitate this conversation and see things from both perspectives.

(08:32) But if it's quality, if it's quality support, if you're working with someone who actually knows what they're doing, they're going to create an environment that feels safe for the both of you because you both have to go through this very long journey of recovery. And it can't be one-sided. Just imagine driving down a street with one side of your tires flat.

(09:06) And it's almost like they're prepping us and giving us the agenda that they want us to fly follow. Like they created the the playbook and they want us to run run the play. just like uh that's not how it works here. [laughter] >> To your point, you said something powerful. We are fighting for your last name, not your first name.

(09:43) So, we have another question. It says, "We tried counseling, but it stayed surface level and never touched the real wound. How do I know when a therapist just isn't equipped to handle infidelity?" Okay, mic drop time. Okay, th this is important, Danielle, because listen, the fact of the matter is for every nine out of 10 counselors, therapists, practitioners, whomever you go to, 99% of the time, they've worked with a couple who's experienced infidelity because it's such an alarming issue. But it doesn't mean that they're

(10:37) Number three, only 48% had attended any infidelity focused training during their professional career. And last one, one study found that only 13%, listen to this, 13% of couples felt that their counselor addressed the affair directly while 59% said that counselor focused mainly on general marital problems. >> This is an alarming situation there.

(11:24) They have great knowledge but may not be qualified in the area of your deficiency. >> Oh man. I mean I think everything you're saying yes yes claps. And I and I also would add that you know there's nothing wrong with having therapists on your team, right? Um, and I'm and I'm not going to knock all therapists because there are some great therapists out there that are actually trained and have spent many years in the trenches working with couples and dealing specifically with infidelity, but they would say that, right? If they're not specifically

(12:08) They're probably very good at what they do, but it's not necessarily going to serve what you need. And also just in certain therapy practices where they're focusing on your past and how it's affecting your present. With coaching, it's like I'm I'm sitting in the midst of an affair right now. I need somebody to take me from here to the future.

(12:37) They're going to go to the past and they're going to deal with your childhood and they're going to help you make sense of everything so that you can release wounds and that's all very valuable, but it doesn't serve to deal with what's going on in your life now and where you need to go in this marriage. And that is the key.

(13:16) And they should be a rule one, too. One thing that burns me a lot, just going to say it, okay? Because there's a lot of people out here talking and they're not a rule one. >> Explain. Okay. Now break down. >> You break you can break it down cuz you break it down. >> So rule one simply mean there's a number of rules that we live our life by.

(13:50) So that means if you don't bear the fruit, if you don't have the results, if you don't have evidence to support what you're saying, I don't care how great the information is, I can't listen to you. And I think that's the mistake that many people make. They go to people who are well intended, who have great quotable things that they can share, but they don't have any life experience.

(14:33) Plus, the training and the expertise and the experience, right? Like, I mean, not to toot our horn, but toot toot. I mean, we're 20 years we've been doing this, right? We're not new to this. We're true to this. Do you know what I'm saying? And so what we say what we say we know from evidence. >> That's what we know from experience from our own lives and the work that we've done to recover our own marriage but also the couples around the world that have benefited from this process that is very unique and that is very structured

(15:31) " I said, "Tell me about your marriage. How's your marriage doing?" And I remember he paused and looked at me and laughed and said, "Well, well, which one? I've been married three times." >> And you were like, "That's enough later." >> That was our first and last time. Because I don't want what he has. I'm listening to someone who represents what I want.

(16:06) He says, "It's better to be a meaningful specific than a wandering generality." Dang. >> And so, whoever you choose, whoever your choice is, make sure you ask the right questions. You do the right research and and they have experience, training, and expertise guiding somebody through a fair recovery. Here we go with question number three.

(16:56) That's not the only cost. There's a lot of cost to uh infidelity. There's the cost of a divorce. >> There's the cost of your children being in a broken household. You know, there's the cost of being stuck and anchored to a miserable situation for the rest of your life. There's so many costs. And and I just think it's ironic to have this conversation a lot because, you know, we're not having a budget sale conversation.

(17:40) They spend money on lots of things to cope with pain that they don't know how to deal with. And so, we're never having a money conversation ever. We're having a conversation that is for death or life. Really, the death or life of your future. That's what we're talking about. Because, you know, when people talk about money and then you start checking out what they spend money on, you find out what they value.

(18:22) >> You you literally took the words right out of my cranium because the question that you're asking is a phenomenal question. And my question, which is really where you just uh led, is well, what's worth getting in debt for? >> Okay. So, if we look at your credit card statement, which represents your debt, let let's see what's on there because you've gotten in debt for that.

(19:19) things the value decreases but when you invest in a marriage you're investing in something that can blow blow up blossom produce and be much better as a result of the investment and so it makes me think of um Master P the rapper right so you Typically, you're you're you're known that, you know, when you get into the music business, your first deal is going to be a horrible deal.

(20:02) That one hour was invaluable because that attorney taught him everything he needed to know about the business of music. So when he went into his first deal, it was a deal that had never been done before in hip-hop, let alone music. Well, I you know, Michael Jackson, of course, but it changed the dynamic of how business is done.

(20:42) I'm ready to get help, but I don't even know who to call. Do I need a licensed therapist, a certified coach, a pastor, or something entirely different? >> Maybe there are people right now who are in a situation where they're vacasillating back and forth whether we should go to counseling or not. Maybe you're realizing after several attempts it just hasn't done anything for you.

(21:24) So, if that's you, listen, every single month, the second weekend of the month, we do a last chance weekend in Atlanta, Georgia. Go to the description and click on the link. We would love to serve you and your marriage. >> Before our final question, we're already pulling questions for our next episode. So, if you have a burning question, drop it in the comments below.

(22:06) You have to go to someone, and we've been talking about this, who specializes in the very thing that you have your greatest need or deficiency in. Yeah. And so, once again, they've got to be qualified. They've got to be infidelity recovery specialists. and they've got to be experts on it. I mean, at the end of the day, to your point, we've been doing this for 20 years.

(22:44) It's interesting how many of you have watched this for years. you've gone through video after video after video and pick up the phone and call somebody else and then they eventually call us when it doesn't work and and I'm like well >> and then tell us that we called someone else. >> Yes.

(23:20) " Like, how did you know? The way you articulated that, the way that Danielle shared that. And so, that's when you know you really found someone who resonates and is a good fit for your marital situation. >> Yeah, I like the question. I like that they're saying, "Hey, I'm ready. What do I do?" So, that's to me a great thing that they're actually there.

(24:08) a clinical therapist would be able to do it. And so sometimes we do reach our limits and it's a great opportunity for you to bring a therapist on your team. Um a pastor's great. You need somebody that's going to pray for your marriage, right? Um lead you in the scripture and in spiritual things.

(24:50) If you really enjoyed this episode and got something out of it, definitely watch the next video. But until then, we'll see you in the next episode.