Shownotes
Welcome to the Mental Wealth podcast.
Join us as we uncover the traps of perfectionism and explore practical strategies to overcome its grip on your life. Our special guest, Carla Caswell, a renowned perfectionist coach from Australia, shares invaluable insights and techniques to help you embrace imperfection and cultivate mental wealth.
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Transcripts
Episode 40 - Perfectionism
Transcript
::Welcome to mental wealth, the podcast to invest in your mind. Here I will help you make sense of your mind and behaviours, giving you the tools to have your best life. There is so much to share, so let's get into this episode and explore another great topic.
::Welcome to Episode 40, and in this episode we're going to be looking at perfectionism. We're going to be looking at the traps and then what you can do about it. And I've got a very special guest. I can't wait to introduce you to Carla Caswell. She's over in Australia and she is a perfectionist coach. And we're gonna have a great conversation.
:: ::So here's our interview.
::So I am absolutely delighted to be.
::Joined by Carla Caswell.
::Hi, Alison. Thank you so much for having me and.
::Yeah, just this is.
::Such an important topic for me as well, and happy to really share with your audience, which is exciting.
::Lovely. So tell everyone a little bit more about you as your perfectionist coach and tell everyone what's your main driver and and what you're doing.
::Yes, I help individuals let go of control and that perfectionism in their lives that really holds them back from.
::Creating a life personally and professionally that they really love, and that's on their own terms and and the reason I've kind of come to doing this is because for many, most of my life really, I struggled with this myself and and it held me back from so many opportunities in my life.
::It created so much stress and anxiety.
::My life and and so through working through that over the years and I've come to realise, you know, that I wasn't the only one and that you know, it's something that I can really support people with now. And because since I've worked through it, it's just changed my life.
::Lovely and I.
::Think one of the most important things that I've just heard you say there.
::Of course is that you're not alone, and that so many people do struggle with this. And that's my one of my big things about this whole show and a lot of my work is.
::That it's not.
::Feel alone with these things. The mind is so powerful and it's lovely that you you had that realisation and now you've done develop something to help others, absolutely.
::And I I think like you.
::Know you've just said it's it. It's a.
::Big problem that.
::And especially I think it's a perfectionist because it's one of the biggest.
::Struggles or perfectionist has is never asking for help and never wanting to be vulnerable for that fear of not fitting in that fear of failure, that fear of being judged and and so just the more we can talk about it, the easier it is for people to hear from it.
::Yeah, I love that. And I think that is one of our flaws, isn't it? As a human is that we do compare ourselves to others, we do find it difficult. We all fear somebody's gonna say something negative or be be judgmental as you said. And I think something.
::Is that let's talk about it more. Let's be brave and courageous and and say hey, I'm struggling with this and and hopefully from there people can find solutions.
::Absolutely.
::I think some people often think about, you know, is perfectionism and and linking that to anxiety and obsessive.
::Impulsive OCD kind of behaviours. You know, sometimes people get all mixed up but.
::Don't they with.
::What it is that's happening for them and I don't know what your thoughts on this Carla is, but I'm not a fan of labelling people, I like to just say, OK, it's just your stuff.
::And it's what you're struggling with. And let's not worry too much about what we're going to call it. Is it perfectionism? Is it OCD? Is it anxiety? And I think just just start working with who you are and your stuff and finding solutions. What's what's your thoughts on that?
::Absolutely, 100% agree and and I think what I've noticed as well and and possibly the way I've viewed perfectionism was that it it was you know, ohh I'm not a perfectionist because I don't have OCD or I don't have all these extreme things, but actually.
::It's like with anything in life I feel.
::Like there's a scale.
::And you know, for me and what I see in my clients is perfectionism can be as extreme as that where it is debilitating and it is, you know, sending people into spirals of depression. But it it can also be.
::Just little things that are controlling your life and holding you back from feeling confident to make a decision.
::Feeling confident to speak up in a meeting and you know, just being comfortable enough to say no.
::To a party.
::And and I think that's exactly it's not about like you say, labelling. It's about just understanding where am I at and how is this affecting me as a person in my daily life and is it?
::A life that I love and I feel like I'm living on my terms. Or am I living according to what other people expect of me or you know that I think is expected in that situation?
::Yeah, I love that. I think it's so important for us to think about also where our perfectionism is coming from is it ourselves? Is it society? Are we trying to be something for someone else or is it kind of that other orientated perfectionism, which is is a mixture, isn't it? Some people have that very internal.
::Need for flawlessness their need.
::To have it all perfect.
::Because they think that's gonna help them feel better. Or is it because they're doing it to compare themselves to others and they think that other people think they're only good if they're doing it XY and Z?
::Yeah, absolutely. And and for me, and I've noticed it so much is that we we sometimes think that perfectionism is only developed from something that's happened, you know, with a bad boss or somebody said something to us mean in a work situation or a family member said something.
::We're only triggered by it because it's in us already and and so when I work with my clients, it's very important for us to go way back to your childhood because often that's where it started. And I think people don't actually acknowledge the fact that they've been carrying this with them for so long. And so we kind of just put band aids on top of things.
::And say ohh it was just a you know, I just had a bad boss or it was just one situation. But we don't realise that we wouldn't be triggered by it if we weren't struggling with that inner struggle in the 1st place.
::It's so important to remember that is now in my work. You don't necessarily have to do the.
::Massive deep dive.
::That I used to do when I was counselling, but I think just being able to have an acknowledgement of ohh that's where that comes from.
::That's why I do that and some of our behaviours and our thoughts are so old.
::You can almost feel the how young you feel when you're doing some of this stuff, can't you? And then from there people can be like ohh OK, I don't need to keep doing that thing, but trying to be that perfect person, whether it's come from a parent, from a teacher, from somebody else in the past and that need.
::To control a situation or to to to work so, so hard, you know, perfection is work so hard, don't they? To try and be be whatever it is they're trying to aim for.
::Absolutely. I mean, I think it's honestly one of the most exhausting things to live with and you know, and and I say, it often manifests in a physical way where, you know, I I started to notice how much shallow breathing I was doing on a regular basis because I was just constantly in my mind.
::And forgetting the basics of breathing normally. And you know, things like just feeling kind of a knot in your stomach constantly. Yeah. And like you say it's it's sort of primal and child, like in a way because it's.
::It's taking us back to a place where we felt insecure and we felt unsafe and and without dealing with it and acknowledging it and saying to yourself, it's OK, you know, I just need to work through this, but I need to be kind and compassionate and patient.
::With myself.
::Yeah, and. And that's a piece of work in itself, isn't it? Just not being so hard.
::On yourselves? Just.
::Before you've even started addressing your perfectionism, it's something else.
::And you know, it's one of one of the things I often say is like, patience is the biggest thing to helping you get over perfectionism because.
::You've got years of of habits that you've built up and you've got to just take it one day at a time, one instant at a time, one moment at a.
::Time. Yeah, and.
::Some of those behaviours are of course our safety behaviours as you said, aren't they? They are our protection and from a brain perspective, I'm a big fan of let's understand a little bit more.
::About the mind so that you can then make sense of.
::It and and being able to see it as a protection, you know, my mind is only thinking this because it feels it needs to protect and I think that's also something to keep keep in our mind, isn't it? When we're when we're trying to make some changes.
::Absolutely. You know, 100% our our brain is very primal still and it's you know basic need is to keep us safe and secure. And you know back in the days of Cavemen, when we were being hunted and all of that stuff, you know, and and.
::At one point you felt unsafe and so your brain is now saying I'm feeling that again. I'm going to kick in now and it's yeah, just being really, I think one of the hardest things we we struggle with especially nowadays with, you know, social media and the Internet and and all of that is is being very present and you know you need to try.
::Be as present as possible in order to.
::Understand your triggers and know. Like you say, it's just my brain kicking in here. I'm gonna be OK. I've got this. I can get through this.
::I always say to people you know you.
::Don't have to believe or.
::Follow many of our thoughts. You know, being able to capture them and say that's not a healthy thought and and not have to follow it and not have to give it any energy.
::Absolutely, 100% agree.
::So, can you give to everyone a little little. I'm always a big fan of what's the one small thing? What's one small thing that.
::Somebody could get.
::Hold of and and start start today, start tomorrow. What would be one of your best tips that you could give somebody?
::So I mean, I did mention the patience, but.
::That's quite a that can be quite overwhelming in.
::The beginning, it sounds simple, but it can.
::Be quite overwhelming.
::I think one of the things I.
::Really found that helped me was I kind of really went back to writing down like what are my values for my life like what is my core value in terms of.
::My, you know, especially with my health and and fitness and I think you know to kind of overcome the the mind, we need to have our bodies in a good space as well. And so for me it's very much about look at your values and.
::Is your life currently aligning with those basic values? You know I'm not saying get complicated about it, just say you know, I want to be a healthy human being. Am I giving myself the right food? Am I doing some exercise and it's just start with those little things where you can say.
::You know, I want to be kinder to people, OK? Am I being kind to people every day?
::And and when we can start to really bring it back to those core fundamental values that mean everything to us, then suddenly life becomes a little simpler.
::And we can just do those little things every day. And then the other stuff can start to, you know, figure it out along the journey.
::I think it's so important to remember that, isn't it? We we often know what we need to do, but it feels overwhelming. So people then don't start. So unless that let's just really focus on one small thing and build on that. And then when you've really got that going, maybe think about what might be.
::Next, which is so important, isn't it? So tell everyone a little bit about where they can find you, because obviously people can follow you even though you are miles away from us here in the UK, but because they'll follow you and follow what you're doing. Tell everyone a little bit about where, where they.
::Can find you.
::Absolutely. And so you can find me on my website, calledcaswell.com. And I'm also very active on Instagram and also again, just my name, Carla Caswell.
::And then I've also recently just started putting out some YouTube videos, which I'm really enjoying and that's again simple Carla Caswell. On YouTube, keeping it nice and simple.
::I love it. I love.
::That sometimes some people do give their websites and their.
::You know, handles and it's like so complicated with underscores and bits and pieces. Ohh harder to remember. So we love that very simple. OK, brilliant.
::As a perfectionist or a recovering perfectionist, I say, and you know it's keep it as simple as possible is what I say.
::Nice, but that's a strategy in itself, isn't it? Yeah, we do over complicate things so often. Brilliant. OK, it's been absolutely lovely chatting with you and I. And I think as we said at the beginning of this. Interview. Just remembering that you're not alone, but also just to talk about it. And just to hear you talk about your own journey and then also what you then able to share with with your your clients and your work. And it sounds like you're doing some absolutely fantastic work over there.
::Yeah. No, thank you so much. And it's, you know, like I said, it's just the more people we can reach and talk about and and open ourselves up to knowing that we don't have to put so much pressure on ourselves. And you know, we put a huge amount of pressure and I think social media has just enhanced that tenfold and so.
::You know, just just stay in your lane. Just.
::Do your thing.
::Thing and like we said, one step at a time. There's no need to rush.
::We've got a beautiful.
::Life ahead of us? Just one.
::Step at a time.
::Well, love that and hopefully you've been inspiring somebody who's just listening and thinking, you know what I can. I can start that journey of just being me and just being in my lane and just making my life as happy as possible.
::Absolutely. There's we've got a short life. Just be happy. Yeah, it seems so simple. And yeah, obviously we know that it can be so hard to do that.
::100% yeah, but thank you so much for having me. And yeah, keep doing the amazing work that you're doing as.
::Well, Ohh, thank you. Thanks Carla.
::For listening and sharing in this episode of Mental Wealth, Remember You can subscribe wherever you get your podcast. My last question to you is what is the one small thing that you can take action on from this episode? Message me.
::On Instagram or through our website with questions you'd like me to explore, you'll find the links in the show notes. I'll be back with more tools and tips to make sense of your mind in the next episode.
::In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Bye for now.
