If you’re an overwhelmed dog parent who has ever watched a calm, easy dog walk past and felt that quiet sinking feeling, this episode is for you. Today we’re talking about the comparison trap: why you keep measuring your reactive dog (or your dog's behaviour generally) against every other dog, what it’s actually doing to your nervous system (and theirs), and four ways to step out of it for good. In Episode 43 of The Mindful Dog Parent, I’m exploring why comparison is hardwired into us, why social media has made it so much worse for dog parents specifically, and the three stories comparison tells that are almost never true. This is one of the quietest and most corrosive habits in dog parenting, and most people never name it or examine it. This episode sits alongside Episodes 40, 41, and 42 as part of an ongoing arc around building inner resilience as a dog parent, through my Nervous-System Aware Dog Parenting™ framework at the heart of The Dog Parent Path™.

Main Topics

Why we compare (and why it’s getting worse)

Comparison is not a character flaw, it’s hardwired. But social media has given us access to an infinite highlight reel of other people’s dogs. We compare our full, unedited reality to someone else’s best moment. And the in-person comparison, the calm dog in the park, activates something in our nervous system in real time, on the walk itself.

What comparison actually does

Comparison activates the nervous system as a social threat, and your dog feels it. Shoulders up, breath shortens, grip tightens on the lead. The cruel irony: comparison about your dog’s reactivity actively makes the next reaction more likely. Your dysregulation feeds theirs (but that's not to say you should just stop being dysregulated - its part of being human, but instead to be aware when you are dysregulated!). Includes the Maisy story.

The three stories comparison tells (that aren’t true)

• Story One: “That dog is better than mine” - that dog is different from yours, not better
• Story Two: “That owner knows something I don’t” - you’re reading one page of someone else’s book
• Story Three: “If my dog were like that, I’d be a good dog parent” - the most damaging story, tying your worth to your dog’s behaviour

Four ways to step out of the trap

• Name it when it happens - neutral acknowledgement breaks the spiral
• Redirect to your own dog - physically bring your attention back to who’s actually on the lead or in front of you right now
• Curate what you consume - unfollowing accounts that make you feel worse is self-regulation, not avoidance
• Find your own reference points - measure your dog against themselves, not other dogs (call backs to Episode 41)

Key Takeaway

Your dog doesn’t need to be like any other dog. They need to be supported by you, in their own journey, at their own pace. And that’s already what you’re doing.

Mentioned in This Episode

• Episode 41: You’re Doing Better Than You Think - the evidence audit
• Sian's Nervous-System Aware Dog Parenting™ framework
• My 3 part free private podcast series
• Maisy — Sian’s dog, whose story features in Part Two

Related Episodes

• When It Feels Like Everyone Else Has the Perfect Dog: How to Stop the Comparison Spiral - Episode 24
• You’re Doing Better Than You Think: The Evidence You Keep Ignoring — Episode 41
• You’re Not a Bad Dog Parent - You’re a Shamed One — Episode 39
• You’re Not Doing It Wrong: The Real Talk Dog Parents Deserve — Episode 3

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Things to do next

• Share this episode with a dog parent who you know compares themselves on walks
• Leave a review on Apple Podcasts — search The Mindful Dog Parent, scroll down, leave a rating and review
• Sign up for the free private podcast series

Welcome to the Mindful Dog Parent, the podcast for overwhelmed and anxious dog owners who are doing their best but still feel like they're getting it all wrong.

I'm Sian, a trauma informed coach and ethical dog trainer.

I created this podcast because dog parenting isn't always cute reels and perfect walks.

Sometimes it's tears after training, guilt in the quiet moments, or just feeling like.

You're the only one struggling.

If you've ever said, I love my.

Dog, but this is really hard, you're in the right place.

Each week I'll bring you calm, compassionate guidance to help you build confidence, regulate your emotions, and reconnect with your dog, even when things feel messy because you're not failing, you're just overwhelmed.

And you don't have to figure this.

Out on your own.

Hello.

Welcome back to the Mindful Dog Parent.

I am really glad that you're here, as always, and I want to start today's episode with a scenario.

So let me know if this is familiar to you.

So you run a walk with your dog.

Things are going okay.

They're not perfect, but they're okay.

And then you see it, another dog walking really calmly on a loose lead.

They're not pulling, they're not lunging.

There's no, like, scanning of the environment.

They're just walking.

Their ears are soft, their tail's easy.

And the dog parent that are with them is just looking really relaxed.

And then something happens in you and it's quite quiet and it's quite uncomfortable.

And you glance at your own dog and you think they are tense on the lead.

They might be hyper alert.

They are already clocking the other dog from 50 meters away.

And you start to feel it that familiar, sinking the comparison.

Why can't my dog be like that?

What are they doing that I'm not?

What's wrong with my dog?

What's wrong with me?

Today we're talking about the comparison trap.

Why you keep falling into it, what it's actually doing to you and your dog, and how to climb out of it in a way that actually sticks.

Because comparison is.

It's really quiet, but it's one of the most corrosive things that that dog parenting can bring, really.

And most people are doing it constantly without even like, realizing how much it's actually costing them.

And I want to start with something really important here.

Comparison isn't a character flaw or a personality trait.

That's a problem.

It's not a sign that you're insecure or that you're shallow or that you're not grateful enough for the dog that you do have.

It's a really deeply human thing.

One of the most deeply human things that there is.

We are genuinely wired to compare ourselves to others.

It's how we orient ourselves socially, how we gauge our own progress, how we figure out what, like what's going okay, whether things are going okay and whether we're doing okay.

For most of humans, history that come like that comparison happens within those small local communities.

So like that human history, and I've talked about it before in terms of how our nervous systems are wired when we talk about it in that like small local community kind of context, you're comparing yourself to people that you actually knew in that situation, in real, complete three dimensional context.

But just something's changed as we've evolved.

And for dog parents specifically, it's changed a lot.

Social media has given us access to an infinite highlight reel of other people's dogs.

The perfectly trained golden retriever doing a flawless heel, for example, the reactive dog transformation video where six months of work's compressed into 60 seconds.

The dog who is like sitting really calmly in a, in a busy cafe.

The dog who is walking off lead through a crowd.

The dog who greets strangers with a nice happy tail.

What we don't see in all of those scenarios is the hours of training behind those 60 seconds.

We don't see the reactive dog walks that didn't make the cut.

We don't see the breed, the history, the environment, the support network, the financial resources and the time.

We see the highlight.

And we compare our entire reality, the full, unedited, difficult, unglamorous truth of our dog's behavior to someone else's best moment to their highlight reel.

It is not a fair comparison.

If it was, it was never going to be a fair comparison.

But that doesn't stop it from feeling really real.

So we know that it's someone else's highlight reel, but it doesn't mean that it's not feeling very real for you.

And then there's the in person comparison.

So we're thinking about the comparisons like I've said with going out on that dog walk.

So the dog in the park, the dog at the training class, the dog that your neighbor's got, the dog your friend's got at the same time as you, who seems to have just been a lot easier.

That comparison happens in real time in your body, on the walk itself, or on the visits to friends or family houses.

And it activates something in your nervous system that makes the rest of that Time with them harder.

So whether it's on a walk or in a visit, it just makes the rest of that feel really hard.

I want to talk about what comparison actually does when it happens.

So it's not just emotionally here, it's physiologically.

So what is actually happening in our bodies?

Because this is where my nervous system aware dog parenting framework has something really specific to say when comparison in our bodies activates.

When you see the calm dog and glance at your reactive one and feel that real sink, thinking, feeling, your nervous system is registering it as a threat.

Not a physical threat, but a social one.

So it's a threat of your sense of adequacy, your identity as a dog parent, your belief that things can actually be okay.

And your body's going to respond accordingly to that threat.

So the shoulders are going to go up, your breath is going to shorten.

The grip might tighten on your dog's lead.

You might become more hypervigilant of your environment.

So you're scanning for the next potential problem before the current ones even resolved.

So where's the next dog coming from?

Your dog's going to feel all of that.

Not because they understand comparison, they absolutely don't.

Science tells us that they don't.

But at the moment, but because they are just so tuned in to your nervous system.

So the mo.

That moment that you tighten up on the lead, they are going to feel that the moment your breath changes, they're going to notice.

The moment your energy shifts.

While I'm walking together to bracing for something, they're going to pick that up.

And the cruel irony of all of that is the comparison that you're making because your dog reacted actually makes the next reaction more likely because your dysregulation is going to feed theirs.

The comparison trap doesn't just hurt you emotionally, actively makes your dog's behavior harder to change.

Now, I want to make it really, really clear that that doesn't then mean it's your fault that these things are happening.

Your body is responding, as I've said, the way that it's meant to when it feels a threat is likely.

So this isn't saying, well, you just need to, like, make your nervous system not respond in that way, because that's not how it works physiologically.

It's how our bodies are meant to respond when we feel that there is a threat.

So I just want to put that in there because it can sound like I'm saying, well, the reason your dog's reactive is because you're.

You're feeling threatened.

So therefore don't.

And that's not what I'm saying at all.

It's just how our nervous systems feed one another's.

And having that awareness is really going to be the first step in starting to say, okay, I'm aware that this is what's happening.

I'm aware that I've braced and that I'm feeling threatened socially in this situation.

And I am making comparisons and I'm going to give you things that you can work through to help make it feel easier.

So the thing that I noticed with Maisie around this.

So when I had a Maisie before I was a trainer years ago, there were walks where I'd seen of the dog being relaxed and easy and I'd feel that comparison hit.

So Maisie used to be.

She was like socially awkward with other dogs.

So she would go and greet another dog, but then not know what to do.

And she'd start to, like, get a bit humpy or barky because she's.

She was a German shepherd, cross Labrador.

So the German shepherd came out in her and it wasn't barking because she was telling them that she didn't want them to be there or that she felt threatened.

She was just like a little bit confused about what to do.

So when I saw somebody else's dogs, like, greeting without all that social awkwardness, like, that comparison would hit me and within 30 seconds, Maisie would seem like she was more alert, she was more tense, she potentially became a little bit more reactive than she'd been before.

And not because anything had changed in the environment necessarily because something had changed in me instead.

And that's how connected you are, and that's how much it matters.

Comparison doesn't just activate your nervous system, though, it tells you stories.

And those stories are almost always incomplete and fair and probably unkind as well.

So the three most common ones that I hear from dog parents and what.

What is actually true instead is going to really help, I think, just to start to reframe it.

So the first story that I hear most commonly is this.

The dog in front of me, the dog over there is better than mine.

That dog is different from yours.

I want you to hear everything that I'm telling you about this story that your brain is telling you.

So the dog that you're seeing on the walk is different from yours.

They're a different breed.

If they're not a different breed, they've got a different history, they've got a different nervous system, they're in a different environment more often than not.

So it's not just that walk that they're in the same environment as you, that for 23 hours a day they're in a different environment.

There's different amount of time being spent on specific training for them.

So the word better is implying that there's a hierarchy, but it doesn't actually exist.

It's implying that the calm and easy is the standard your dog should be measured against.

But your dog has their own starting point.

They've got their own pace, they've got their own nervous system.

And comparing them to a dog who started somewhere completely different isn't a measurement and it's, it's a, an unfair one to, to have.

So you kind of comparing two things that just aren't that.

The only thing that's similar is that they're both dogs.

They might be a similar age, they may be the same breeds or have the same breeds in them.

But again, there's so many things that have impacted their, their genetics, their.

Like how stressed was their mum when she was pregnant with them?

What environment were they brought up with, with the breeder?

Did if they were like, were there a rescue?

Did you know?

All these things just play such a big part in, in the behavior of your dog and that's why it's so specific.

So I really want you to kind of, if you start to say to yourself, that dog's better than mine, it's, it's just to reframe in your mind to say, actually no, they're different.

It's not that that dog's better.

There's.

These two dogs here are different.

And that's, that's the story that we want to try and remind ourselves of.

The second story is that that dog parent knows something that I don't.

Maybe they do.

Maybe they've got more experience or different training or more time, but maybe they've also got a dog who was always going to be calmer and easier.

Now there are dogs out there that are calm and easy, but it's not the standard, they are the exception.

So if you are seeing a dog that's out there and they are calm and relaxed and easy seemingly, and their dog parent, you have a conversation with them and it turns out that yeah, they actually are easier and they've been super easy to train.

That is not the common thing.

That is they are an anomaly.

They are different.

Most dogs generally are not easier.

But actually maybe if you haven't had a conversation with them and they seem to be easy, maybe they're struggling at home in ways that they're just not showing on walks.

Maybe the calm that you're seeing on the outside is costing them things that you can't see.

So it might appear like they're calm, but actually what's going on under the surface, there's some potential things bubbling away there.

You're reading one page of someone else's book and concluding that you know the whole story.

So there is potentially more things going on there.

The two scenarios are that, yes, they are easier in general and that's the anomaly.

That's not the common thing.

Or they're not easy at home and there's been other things happening, or it's taken them a super long time to get to the point that they're at and they might be better, but they've taken so much time and training to get to the point that they're at now.

So again, we don't know the whole story and the whole picture.

And even if you talk to somebody sometimes they're not.

Like, if they're a stranger, they might not be comfortable opening up and saying, actually, my dog was really difficult last year.

Or they.

They're really difficult at home.

They potentially want other people to think that they're nice and calm and relaxed all the time.

They might tell you that just to kind of say, yeah, my dog's better than yours, because they're comparing themselves to.

And again, we got to think about, like, how true are the stories that some people are telling us and how true are these things that we're seeing on social media?

Because it's not.

See either not the whole picture or not the true picture.

And then the third story is, if my dog were like that, I'd be a good dog parent.

So this one's the most damaging because it's tying your identity and your worth as a dog parent directly to your dog's behavior.

And I've touched on this in previous episodes before, why you are potentially.

And I was somebody that did this with my own dogs.

I was attaching my own worth and my own value and my, like, how I saw myself as a person to how well behaved my dogs were when they were out and about, when they were in public, that kind of thing.

But actually it's saying, I'm only enough if my dog performs in a certain way.

And that is really enormous and really unfair.

And it's an unfair weight to place on both of you.

You are not your dog's behavior.

Your worth as a dog parent is not determined by whether your dog is walking calmly past other dogs.

It's determined by how you show up, how you try, how you keep going, and how you love them.

None of that is going to be visible on a walk and none of that is showing up in a comparison.

So I really want you to kind of just take that step back if you starting to think, actually, yeah, I'm tying my own self worth here to my dog's behavior because I want you to just change how you see that.

And that was something that I worked on and did with my own dogs and my own kind of thought processes and my own kind of cycle that I was getting stuck in because it's an important thing to do.

So those are the most common stories and those are just little reframes that I want you to take away.

But how do you actually break the comparison habit?

So if you're doing this regularly, those are three things that you can do in the moment.

If you're thinking about those particular scenarios and you're saying, yeah, actually I am doing that.

If it's become a comparison habit, knowing that it's unhelpful isn't just going to automatically stop you doing it.

So there are four things that I want to give you to take away that genuinely work to change that comparison habit.

So the first one is name it when it happens.

So the comparison trap loses some of that power the moment that you name it.

Not in a self critical way, not like, oh, there I go again, comparing.

What's wrong with me?

Just that quiet, neutral acknowledgement of that's comparison happening.

So if you start to tell yourself one of those stories or a different one that's similar in terms of comparison, you just need to acknowledge it and say, that's comparison happening.

Naming it is creating a tiny gap between the trigger and your response.

It's going to move you from being inside the spiral to being able to observe it.

So you're taking that step out from the center of it and from there you've just got a little more choice about what happens next and what comes next.

So I really want you to think about that one and just start to just name it.

Because that is the first step.

That understanding and acknowledgement is the first step in then starting to break a habit.

And then the second thing I want you to do is redirect to your own dog.

So that kind of moment that you notice the comparison, I want you to physically redirect your attention back to your dog.

So if you're looking at another person's dog on a walk or if you're watching a video on Instagram or TikTok.

I want, and you're starting to feel that comparison coming in, I want you to physically redirect your attention back to your dog.

Not to assess them, not to start to make that comparison, not to check whether they're about to react if you're out on a walk, but to actually look at them.

What are they doing right now?

What does their body look like?

Is there anything you can do in this moment to help them feel a little more settled?

So a really simple trick would be if your dog is scanning and a little bit hyper vigilant out on walks, just give them an opportunity to sniff, Giving them opportunities to sniff, slowing down, playing the find it game.

If they're into food.

And you can get something quite high value, something very smelly.

So a nice trick would be like Parmesan cheese.

They have to eat it because it's powdery, it's just got.

It's so pungent, the smell.

You can just start to just scatter some and they can go sniffing around and that will really help them to regulate.

So just something like that.

Is there anything you can do in the moment to help them feel more settled?

Absolutely.

Just do some sniffing, get their nose down to the ground and just promote that slow regulatory action for them.

This does two things.

It breaks that comparison loop and it brings you back into connection with your actual dog in the actual moment that you're in, which is the only place that the real work is ever going to happen.

So that's the second thing I want you to do.

So you're aware and you acknowledge that's comparison happening, then I want you to redirect your physical attention back onto your dog and just ask yourself those questions.

And then the third thing I want you to do is to curate what you consume.

So as I mentioned in the previous step, if you're finding yourself spiring after scrolling through Instagram or TikTok training content, that is information, you are allowed to unfollow those accounts that make you feel worse about yourself and your dog.

You're allowed to mute the transformation videos that leave you feeling inadequate.

Not enough.

You're allowed to be selective about what you let into your nervous system.

And this isn't about any kind of avoidance.

You're not avoiding these things.

You are helping yourself to self regulate.

The same way that you manage your dog's thresholds on a walk, you can manage your own exposure to comparison triggers online.

It's a healthy thing to do.

And I've done exactly that.

I was just following following accounts to get more and more information.

But what I was finding myself doing was just feeling worse after looking at some of these accounts.

So.

So I start to see that and I was like, this isn't helping me in any way.

I'm just going to unfollow or mute.

And it starts to help.

So you will really like curating your own, your own content here and starting to say, these are the things that help me and these are the things that aren't helping me and are making me feel worse.

And then the fourth step is to find your own reference points.

So instead of measuring your dog against other dogs, measure your dog against themselves.

So where were they three months ago?

What can they do now that they couldn't do before, even imperfectly?

It's not about them doing everything exactly step by step, every single time.

But what could they not do then that they can do now three months ago?

Or what's one thing they handle better than they used to?

And this is kind of the practice that I talked about in episode 41, the evidence audit, and it applies directly here.

The only fair comparison of your dog is your dog, yesterday's version, last month's version, six months ago's version.

That is the reference point that actually tells you something true, because you're comparing apples and apples rather than apples and strawberries.

I just say apples and pears is one of those things that are quite similar.

I'm trying to make it clear that they're not.

You're comparing apples and strawberries when you're comparing your dog to another dog.

But if you're comparing your dog to themselves and saying, well, how were they before and how are they now?

You're comparing apples and apples because you've got a baseline to say this is what they were doing three months ago.

And then you can say, actually, they're recovering quicker after reactions.

They are checking in with me on walks more.

They're slowing down.

They are like just these things that you can start to tell yourself.

And in the evidence audit, go listen to episode 41.

I'll link to it in the show notes.

If you haven't listened to it already, that will really, really help you to then start to build this new narrative, this new story that is a lot more accurate and reflective of your own journey with your own dog.

So the comparison trap is one of the quietest and one of the most persistent challenges in dog parenting, I think.

And most people just never name it or examine it.

They just carry it walk after walk, letting it quietly drain the joy out of something that they love.

Like that connection that you've got with your dog, that the dog that's in front of you, you love them.

No one's denying that you love them, but it is just quietly draining the joy out of that.

When you are comparing yourself and your dog to other people and other dogs, but you don't have to do it.

You can name it, you can redirect, you can be really selective about what you consume, and you can measure your dog against the only fair reference point that there is, themselves.

So your dog doesn't need to be like other dogs.

They need to be supported by you in their own journey at their own pace.

And that's already what you're doing, even on the days when it just doesn't feel like it.

So I really want you to take that away and hear it and absorb it and live it.

So if this episode's resonated and especially if it names something that you've been feeling, but you just haven't been able to put it into words, articulate it, please, please share this episode with another dog parent.

Send it to the person you know who has been quietly struggling on their walks, or post it somewhere that you might reach someone who needs it.

So if you're seeing somebody kind of talking about this comparison that they're feeling that they're having, send them this episode.

The people who need this podcast most are often the ones that just don't know that it exists.

And if you're on Apple Podcasts, a two minute review makes a real difference to other overwhelmed dog parents finding the show.

So if you aren't listening to it on Apple Podcasts, you can just search the mindful dog parent on Apple Podcasts, scroll down and leave a rating and a review.

It really, really means the world to me if you do that so that other dog parents can really get the support that they need, just like you.

And if you're ready to go deeper to work on the nervous system piece, the self compassion, the building for real calm and connection with your dog, the dog parent path is where that work is living for me.

I will put a link to in the show notes to the first step on the dog parent path.

And it's a free private podcast series.

It's a perf place to start.

You can't find it in the episodes that are free to listen to here.

It's a free episode, but they're not open and public.

They're a private, 315 minute episode private podcast series.

So the links in the show notes.

If you want to go listen to that where we do go a little bit deeper.

Do take care of yourself this week and I shall see you next time on the Mindful Dog Parent.

Thanks so much for tuning in to the Mindful Dog Parent.

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