What starts as a Mountain Dew at an 8 a.m. high school class quietly becomes a caffeine tablet addiction that costs one woman her relationship, her pregnancy, and her sense of self. This is the confession nobody expects — because the drug nobody takes seriously ended up being the one that took everything.
What You'll Hear in This Episode
How caffeine tablets became the hidden addiction nobody around her recognized
The moment a pregnancy ultimatum forced an impossible choice — and she chose wrong
Why Narcotics Anonymous became her recovery community — and what happened when she told them her drug of choice was caffeine
How grief and loss became the catalyst for real change
The slow, quiet road back to school, stability, and self
Key Takeaways
Caffeine tablets are a largely unregulated, over-the-counter drug that can fuel serious addiction
Panic attacks, sleep disorders, and nightmares can all be direct symptoms of caffeine dependency
Caffeine during pregnancy carries serious risks including miscarriage
Recovery communities work — even when the room doesn't immediately take you seriously
Addiction doesn't require a socially "hard" drug to destroy a life
Who Should Listen
Anyone using caffeine tablets or energy supplements daily
Young people or parents of teens relying on caffeine to get through school
Anyone who has dismissed caffeine as "not a real addiction"
Those in recovery from any substance who also consume caffeine heavily
Devil's Chemical. During my junior year at high school, I started using caffeine tablets. I needed to stay focused so I could pass my SATs.
I had no intention of staying on them after the sats. Unaware of how addicting these tablets were, I used them daily. I had a weekend job so I could buy them without my mother's knowledge.
After school, I hung out with my boyfriend, Derek, or with friends. When I got home at night, I took a caffeine tablet and began studying. Sleep was not a significant factor. I allowed myself only four hours of sleep.
In the morning, I took another tablet to stay focused in school. Fridays, I went out with Derek and friends. Saturdays, I always had a hangover and slept until the afternoon. Then I went to my job at Croker.
Sundays I got up early to go to work again. I usually worked overtime since I needed the money. Caffeine tablets are not cheap, but I felt I needed them to do well in school.
I did not realize that I had become addicted. The night before the SATs, I stayed home studying. I took four caffeine tablets and didn't sleep at all.
When it came time to go to school, I took two more tablets. I was jumpy, shaky, but awake. During the second hour of the test, I couldn't focus or keep still. The proctor asked me if I was okay.
I told him I was just a little nervous. When the third hour rolled around, I could not focus well enough to answer the questions. The test was over, but I still kept taking the tablets.
I also began to drink coffee every morning during breaks in school and each afternoon. By now, my mom noticed a change in my attitude and behavior. She thought I had a drug problem.
I couldn't deny it without admitting my addiction to caffeine. So I played along and went to drug addiction meetings.
I was still taking caffeine tablets, but it was less noticeable because I avoided my house as much as I could. I would stay out all day and come home at night. My mom worked night shifts, so it was easy to avoid her.
I also took more shifts at work, partly so I could afford my tablets. I got Derek addicted to caffeine as well. It felt good to be able to share my secret with someone.
He was unemployed, so I was paying for his addiction too. During the summer after my junior year, I tried to quit. I couldn't. Summer was over and I wanted to buckle down and do well.
Although I was still under the influence of caffeine, I was improving my grades, getting all A's and B's. I wanted to go to college, and my grades were very important to me. I made friends with exchange students and that improved my French.
My mom and verbally abusive stepdad divorced, but he still lived with us. This was one of the reasons I did not want to be home at all. I spent most of my time at the house of a new friend.
Sometimes I stayed in Derek's apartment. Then things started falling apart. My my mom and stepdad remarried and he started acting like my guardian again.
To avoid him, I was always at my friend's house. But after learning about my caffeine addiction, she began to avoid me. Derek's apartment was always open, but I did not like his place.
So I had to stay at home. Mom was delighted, but I was not. I stayed in my room most of the time, trying to avoid comments about my behavior and questions about my problems.
My sleep disorder was one I couldn't sleep. I went for one evening without taking any tablets, but still woke up several times during the night with nightmares.
I could not stop taking the caffeine tablets. If I had enough strength, Derek would never have let me. He appeared to have become more addicted than I was.
He came to my house daily to ask for more tablets. I'd give them to him willingly because he was the only person who shared my addiction. I found an inexpensive way to feed my addiction. I'd buy Folges.
My mom. She got the whole month off from her job and was always at home. Noticed how much coffee I was drinking.
I'd come downstairs at least 10 times a day to fill my coffee mug. I started having panic attacks. I did not know I was suffering from an anxiety disorder related to my caffeine intake.
My mom was concerned about my coffee addiction. She also found caffeine tablets in my room. I knew I should be prepared for some sort of intervention from my family.
One day, when Derek drove me home from school, I saw my stepfather's sedan in the driveway.
The only reasons I could think of why he would be home at this hour were that either he had been fired or that he was preparing for the ambush I was expecting. I told Derek I wanted to go to his apartment. I stayed for two nights. When I got home, my stepdad was lying on the couch.
He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Since his cancer was detected early, he should be okay. I thought his diagnosis would take the focus off my addiction.
However, two days later, my mom cornered me while I was getting my third cup of coffee. After a brutal argument, I left. I wasn't planning to return.
I stayed with Derek through the End of high school, I made it into a local college, but rarely attended classes. I was still taking caffeine tablets. My poor work habits finally got me fired from Kroger. So I went to work at Burger King.
A year after graduation, I got pregnant. I knew high doses of caffeine could be dangerous for a baby. But I didn't know how to quit. I had been on caffeine tablets daily for over three years.
I still was as immature as I had been in high school. But Derek had moved on. He wanted a baby, so he gave me an ultimatum. Stop taking caffeine tablets or he would leave me.
I loved Derek, but somehow caffeine meant more to me. I could imagine my life without Derek, but not without caffeine tablets.
However, I couldn't raise a baby alone, and I was raised to be against abortion. I told him I would quit, but I could not. One day, he called me with the tablets. We had a fight and he tried to grab my tablets.
I don't know why, but I simply couldn't give them to him. His face changed. Overwhelmed with rage, he said exactly what he thought of me. Everything was over between us. Luckily, my mom had left her door open.
I went to live with her, but I did not stay long. During the first trimester, I had a miscarriage. In a way, I was relieved. I couldn't take care of a baby. I couldn't even take care of myself.
The miscarriage transformed me. It became clear that I had to make serious changes in my life in order to move forward. I began attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings.
At first, when I explained that my drug of choice was caffeine, the others made jokes. To this day, it is hard for people to believe that caffeine is a drug. I kept going to the meetings anyway, and they stopped joking.
I'm back in school now. I live with my new boyfriend and frequently visit my mom. Her support helped pull me through.
