Artwork for podcast Unfolding: Audio Letters from the Middle of Becoming
Part 2: Midlife Women and the Voices We Stopped Trusting
Episode 2827th April 2026 • Unfolding: Audio Letters from the Middle of Becoming • Erica Voell
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Part 2: In this episode, I explore what happens after the silencing. The internal checklist women run before they speak, the physical cost of suppressing our voices, and what cracked open for fifteen midlife women on their way back to trusting themselves. I also look at what Human Design reveals about your unique way of communicating and why this particular moment in history is asking something different from all of us.

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Transcripts

:

Welcome to the Unfolding Podcast, a space where we explore what

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it looks like to really trust yourself,

say no without guilt, and live your

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life like it actually belongs to you.

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I'm Erica Voell, a Decision Mentor

and Inner-Trust Guide, and I help

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women in midlife untangle from the

life patterns of shape shifting

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and keeping everyone else happy.

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Claim how they are uniquely

designed to make decisions and

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understand their unique strengths.

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Using human design as a lens, we clear the

noise of conditioning so their no feels

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powerful and their yes feels true, and

they can move forward without self-doubt,

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guilt, or pressure to prove anything.

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On this show, we have honest

conversations about self-trust boundaries.

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Energy and identity, especially for women

in midlife who are done living by the

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shoulds and second guessing themselves.

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If you've taken every personality test and

followed the recommended path and still

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can't shake that feeling that you've been

spending your whole life trying to fit in

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when all you really wanted was to belong.

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You are in the right place.

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You'll hear stories, insights,

and tools rooted in human

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design, coaching, and real life.

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Not to tell you what to do, like

another self-help book, but to help you

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really hear yourself so you can stop

overthinking and start making decisions

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that feel clear, grounded, and true.

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Last week I published part one of this

series, and I've been so moved by the

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response in the first two days, it became

my most read post on Substack and the

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podcast has gotten so many listens.

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Women wrote to me.

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Personally and told me that they

cried, that they felt so seen.

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I can see that it's being shared

and that means everything.

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I have never had a response like

this to something I've written, so

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thank you to those who've commented,

responded, and sent me private messages.

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I'm so touched that the article touched

you, and I'm so touched that you've found

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your story in these other women's stories.

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That was really all I could hope for.

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If you have not listened to part one or

read it, you can absolutely start here.

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But part two stands on its own.

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But if it really resonates, I would

encourage you to go back to the beginning

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and listen to part one, what those 15

women shared deserves to be heard in full.

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So here's a taste of

what Part one was like.

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One woman was kicked under the

table by her husband during their

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nationally syndicated radio show when

he felt she was talking too much.

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Another stood up for women being dismissed

at work and was pulled aside afterward and

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told that she'd embarrassed her company.

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A wall of men called her hysterical.

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These are not stories from 50 years ago.

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These are the experiences of women

in midlife right now who are still

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carrying what happened to them.

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15 women with different lives, different

ages, different continents with the

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same thread running through all of it.

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Women who were told in large ways

and small ways that their voice was

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too much or not enough, and something

else is happening in midlife that I

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think is worth naming for many of us,

this is the season where we finally

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notice what's been happening, the

patterns we've been carrying, the

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silence we've been keeping, the BS

we've been tolerating and we are done.

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We are no longer willing to shrink,

stay quiet, or make ourselves

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smaller to make others comfortable.

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And you can tell that the patriarchy

is not happy about it, but

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that's not our problem anymore.

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We are done with the BS and yet these

women whose stories I shared have

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refused to stay entirely quiet even

after everything they've experienced.

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They're still learning to trust their

voices and to share their voices,

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and I thank all of these women.

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Okay.

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Part one was about what happened to

women's voices from the outside, the

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silencing at home, at school, at work,

the cultural pressure to sound more

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masculine, more logical, more acceptable

to a certain part of the population.

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But the silencing doesn't

come from just the outside.

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There's an internal cost that happens

when women's voices are shut down and

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silenced, and it often happens before

a woman is even opened her mouth.

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Okay, researchers, Nicola Brown and Renata

Cook, who are Atlantic Fellows for Social

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and economic Equity identified something

that may feel very familiar to you.

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They noted that before speaking up.

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Many women run through a checklist

and it goes something like this.

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Should I say something?

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Perhaps I should wait for

others to speak first.

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What if I don't have a

relevant point to make?

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I wonder if everyone will think,

I don't have an opinion on

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this issue if I don't speak up.

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Okay, I'm going to speak, but how should

I frame this so I don't sound stupid?

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Okay, I'm gonna say this again.

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This is so important.

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Women run through a checklist

before they even speak.

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Should I say something?

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Perhaps I should wait to

hear others speak first.

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What if I don't have a

relevant point to make?

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I wonder if everyone will think, I don't

have an opinion on this, if I don't speak

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up, and I'm going to speak, but how should

I frame this so that I don't sound stupid?

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And I would even add

one more to this list.

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How will others perceive what I have

to say and how will they respond?

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It's this internal negotiation

happening before we even open our

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mouths, and I'm sure most of us don't

even realize that it's happening.

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It is exhausting.

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The researchers concluded

something worth sitting with.

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The ability to speak with authority

is a form of privilege speaking and

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the latitude of expressing one's

views is a form of privilege, and I

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want to acknowledge that as a white

woman, I know I carry a privilege

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that women of color don't have

the experiences in this article.

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Are real and they are not.

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The whole story of what it means to

have your voice dismissed or silenced.

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Of the women I interviewed, Lisa described

this internal monitoring, so clearly.

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She said she tends to self-evaluate

a lot, adapting her communication,

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her voice, her words, her tone, her

pace, depending on her perception of

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how she's going to be received and

the message she's trying to share.

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No one told her that outright she

learned to do it, and I would bet

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it's been decades of conditioning

that's been internalized, and I

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know it happens for so many of us.

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We're doing it without even

realizing it because it's so

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deeply ingrained in who we are.

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And it shows up in other ways too.

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Jen stayed safe for years.

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She stayed comfortable.

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She stayed in places where she was

dependent on, but not particularly valued.

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She said, I certainly never

had the voice to ask and demand

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what I was worth financially.

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The checklist doesn't just affect

what we say in a meeting or what

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we say at work or in our families.

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It affects us at home and in

so many parts of our lives.

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It affects what we ask for,

what we settle for, and what we

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decide we probably don't deserve.

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Charlotte described walking on eggshells

during her transition from academia into

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crystal healing and spiritual coaching.

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She couldn't express her true worldviews

and interests, and she felt it again

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in feminist spaces when as she puts it.

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Feminism itself had become very toxic.

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The pressure to silence yourself doesn't

just come from patriarchal spices.

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It comes from everywhere.

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And here's what I've noticed

in my work with women.

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The same checklist doesn't

show up before we speak.

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It actually shows up before

we make decisions too.

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Before a woman can say yes to what

she really wants, she often runs

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through this similar internal check.

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How will this affect everyone else?

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Will this disappoint someone?

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Is this the right time?

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What will other people think?

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How will I be perceived

if I make this decision?

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How will this affect my family?

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The list can be almost endless, and

most of my clients don't realize

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that they're doing this until we slow

down enough to look at it together.

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It's so deeply ingrained that it stops

feeling like a choice a long time ago.

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It's become this unwritten rule of being

a woman and being a mom for a lot of us.

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When we start to see it, there's

usually a moment of recognition

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followed by something that can feel

like grief, because it's not just how

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we speak, it's how we make decisions

in the stories we carry about who we

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are and how long we've been making

choices that we're comfortable for

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everyone except ourselves.

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Speaking up has a cost, and for many

of us, we consciously and sometimes

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unconsciously, decided that the

cost was too high to speak up.

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And we know from Bessel VanDerKolk

that in his book, the Body Keeps Score.

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That silence and shutting down our

voices has a physical side to the women

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in this article know it firsthand.

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For me, it shows up in my hips

and my lower back and my shoulder.

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Right behind my shoulder blade.

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There is this consistent persistent pain.

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For years I thought it was

related to my scoliosis,

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but then I learned it was more than that.

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It's something I have

learned to pay attention to.

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Sometimes it shows up as digestive issues.

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For me, it's that pain

in my shoulder blade.

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What I'm not saying needs to be said.

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My body gives me clear signals.

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My chiropractor even asked me recently

during a visit about that stuck

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shoulder blade, whether there was

something I wasn't saying out loud,

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and whether there was a situation

that I didn't feel I could speak up.

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It can also show up in other ways

with women skin issues like eczema,

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irritable bowel syndrome, headaches,

the suppressed things need to come out

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and they will come out in some way.

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Maybe just not out loud

through our voices.

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Ellen shared that she's had a number of

clients who have literally had throat

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issues when they don't speak their

truth from Hashimoto's to laryngitis.

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This isn't an just an observation.

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There is actual research

that backs this up.

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Psychologist Dana Jack

identified a pattern in women

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suffering from depression.

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She calls it self silencing.

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Women who suppress what they really

think in order to keep the peace

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and meet everyone else's needs.

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Sound familiar.

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Researchers also found that women who

didn't express themselves during conflict

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with their spouses were four times

more likely to die than those who did.

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Let me say that again.

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Women who did not express themselves

during conflict were four times more

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likely to die than those who did.

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Even when the researchers controlled

for age, blood pressure, smoking and

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cholesterol levels, that connection

does not stop a depression.

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Researchers and medical professionals

have increasingly examined the

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link between suppressed rage.

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And autoimmune disorders in women.

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The very qualities in our culture

that reward us for agreeability and

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extreme selflessness, that suppression

of anger can actually predispose

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us to chronic illness and disease.

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We are rewarded for the very

things that make us sick.

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The women in this article knew

this in their bodies long before

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they had a language for it.

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After being mocked at work, Veronica

described becoming guarded and

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careful, trying not to reveal too much.

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She avoided going onsite whenever

she could and when she couldn't,

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she over-prepared because she didn't

trust her team to support her.

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That kind of hypervigilance.

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Always bracing, always monitoring,

always managing how much of yourself

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is safe to show, has a physical

cost, and it accumulates over years.

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Jen shared that she tried anti-anxiety

medication for a time and it never worked.

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She had a very similar experience

to what I did, and she said

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it just numbed her out.

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" It didn't make me feel better."

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She said, "I just wasn't

dealing with my inner life."

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Numbness is its own kind of silence

and it lives in the body too.

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And Aaron describes something that stopped

me when I read it after two traumatic

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experiences in her late twenties.

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Experiences where she asked for help

and was told that what was happening to

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her wasn't actually happening at all.

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She found it harder to speak.

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Sometimes at all.

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She lost trust in her voice so

completely that to this day, she finds

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it difficult to sustain conversation

for more than 10 or 15 minutes.

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She described feeling like

something is in her throat.

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Like she has something to say

and simply cannot get it out.

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Erin is still finding her way

back and she is honest about that.

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What these women's experiences make

clear is that going silent isn't about

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being dramatic or being too sensitive

or not being able to handle things.

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When women are silenced long enough and

consistently enough, the silence becomes

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a structural part of their own being.

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It lives in their nervous system and

in their throat, and in their body.

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And what the body learns, the

body can also unlearn, and

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that's where we're going next.

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I started this unfolding podcast as a

way to help me find my voice as a coach.

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Because I knew I had something to share,

but I didn't trust that part of me yet,

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that old story that I didn't have anything

important to say was an old story, and

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it has been with me for a long time.

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I've talked about it in my

previous episode called, Did I

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have anything Important to say?

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It was so familiar that it wasn't until a

friend started a podcast that I thought.

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Oh, I could never do that.

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I don't have anything important to

say, and that's when I noticed it.

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I took note of it.

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About two years ago, I started

learning about my communication

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center in human design.

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At first it was, oh, that's interesting.

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I tend to talk about how I feel.

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I have Gate 35 for those of you that

know the Human Design Throat Center,

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which is all about new adventures and

sharing my new discoveries with others.

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And then I took a class with

Julie Ciardi, my mentor on the

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communication center and something.

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Drastically shifted for me.

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She challenged me to look at that

gate 35 differently, not just as a

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trait to understand, but as a way

of communicating to lean into what

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I have explored, what I have tried.

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What I have risked and what

did it teach me and to share

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my experiences with others.

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I now know that like that's

what connects me to people.

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I realized that I had been doing this

for years without even knowing about it.

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A year's worth of email newsletters,

sharing my own story as an example

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of the power of human design.

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Connecting with people through what

I had lived rather than what I knew.

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I didn't realize that unconsciously

I was already sharing in a

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way that was most natural.

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I just had that old story

running through my head.

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That one gate in my communication

center tends to express as I feel

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it means something different to me.

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Now when those words come out, I know

I'm not filtering everything through what

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will make me sound good or look good.

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I'm not stuck in my head trying

to have the right thing to

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say or the witty thing to say.

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I'm really tapped into

what's coming up for me.

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Before I would have a million thoughts

and wanna get them all out at once,

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or I would be busy thinking about

the next thing to say that many times

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I realized I wasn't even present in

the conversation I was already in.

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In my chart, my throat center is

undefined, so I don't have a consistent

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way to communicate and express myself.

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It explains why I talked to fill the

silences for most of my life, the

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unhealthy pattern of the throat center

is talking excessively to feel heard.

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That was so much the story of my life.

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I talked because I was

uncomfortable with the quiet.

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I talked because I was afraid of what

if I stopped and people would realize

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I didn't have anything worth saying.

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When I started sitting back and

only speaking when I felt genuinely

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compelled, instead of talking to fill

the space, people actually noticed.

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Somebody actually mentioned it

to me after a meeting one day.

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And then when I did talk, what I

noticed was that my words landed more

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powerfully because they came from

inspiration and not from pressure.

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And when I'm in the right room

with the right people, it can flow.

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And then when I'm lit up, oh, watch out.

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It really comes out.

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When I'm forcing it,

everyone can feel it too.

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They notice it.

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I say all of this, not because

I have it figured out, I don't.

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I'm still catching myself in these old

patterns, especially around my family

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or when I'm feeling really unsure

of myself, but I know how they show

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up now, and that is really helpful.

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That changes everything.

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I also know that I'm not unique

in not trusting my voice.

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That was what this whole

article series confirmed for me.

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15 women with different lives and

different designs, the same story that

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was sort of ran underneath all of it.

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You have a unique way of communicating.

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All the women in this article have a

unique way of communicating, not from

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that edited version, not the one that

was conditioned out of us, but it was

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the one that makes us feel most like us.

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What I found so fascinating about

human design is that your shows

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that natural way that you communicate

and it's different for everyone.

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When you look at a human design chart, it

can look something like out of a science

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fiction book with shapes and numbers

and the lines connecting everything,

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but there's so much information in those

shapes and those numbers, and even for

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somebody that has that Gate 35 that I

have, it might show up even differently

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based on other things in the chart.

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Okay.

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Human design can feel really overwhelming

at first, but when you start with

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how you were designed to communicate,

a lot of the things that felt like

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flaws or weaknesses actually start

to make sense, and they carry a gift.

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The communication center is

the third shape from the top.

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If you're looking at it, it's a square.

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It's the center that all energy moves

through, which actually makes sense

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because we speak the way we lead,

the way we express our thoughts and

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emotions, our identities, our values,

all flow through that one place.

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When you look at that square in your

chart, the first thing you'll wanna notice

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is if it's colored in or if it's white.

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Colored in means you have a defined

throat center and white means undefined.

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Neither one is better than the other.

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Th they're just giving

us information about you.

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If that center is colored in,

that tells us that you have a

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consistent way of communicating.

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Your voice, your way

of expressing yourself.

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It has a quality that doesn't

change depending on who you're

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with or what room you're in.

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12 of the 15 women that I interviewed for

this article have defined throat centers,

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and what struck me as I read through their

stories is that almost every single one

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of them was told directly or indirectly

to use that consistent voice differently,

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either to be more quiet or more palatable.

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Kelly was called hysterical for using

hers to stand up for other women.

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Ellen was kicked under the

table for using hers too freely.

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Lana was told she elaborated too much.

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Charlotte felt like she could

never win an argument against

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someone who was more dominant.

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And Priestess Erica was told that

her way of showing up no longer fit,

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their voice was naturally there.

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The world was trying to edit it for them.

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For women with defined throats,

the conditioning doesn't

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just silence the voice.

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It teaches you to distrust

it and to second guess it.

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The healthy expression of a defined throat

is to find a specific way that that center

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is designed to speak for you, and trusting

that, trusting that your words will land

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when you're speaking authentically instead

of feeling edited or running through

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that checklist we talked about earlier.

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If your throat is undefined and it shows

up white in your chart, and maybe it has

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a couple of numbers activated, maybe it

has none of the, the numbers activated.

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That means you don't have a

consistent way of communicating.

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It means you are incredibly adaptable.

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You speak in different

ways with different people.

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You can pick up on the energy of the

people around you and you can amplify it.

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But one of the challenges of this

undefined throat center is talking to

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fill the silence, speaking from pressure

rather than when you are inspired,

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feeling like you have to keep up with

the conversation or to be noticed.

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Talking excessively to feel heard.

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That was the story of my life

for so long, and it was not.

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I'm not alone.

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Heather and Talia, and Lizzie and

I, we all have undefined throats

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and looking back through their

stories, I can see a pattern.

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Lizzie was told she was too much

and filed herself down to fit.

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Talia was shunned for speaking up and

learned to monitor herself constantly.

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Heather absorbed her mother's quiet and

found herself going silent in groups when

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she didn't feel like she knew enough.

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And for me, I talked for hours when I

was on a road trip with my mom because

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I was so uncomfortable with the silence,

I thought that's what how you are

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supposed to be when you are a woman.

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You fill the silence with conversation.

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What all of us were doing

was speaking from pressure.

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That pressure might have been

outside of us, but a lot of times

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it comes from inside of us too.

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We were absorbing the energy of the rooms

we were in and the people we were with.

370

:

And we were either talking

over it or we were going quiet.

371

:

The healthy expression of an undefined

throat is waiting for the inspiration

372

:

rather than speaking from pressure.

373

:

It is hard.

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:

I can tell you from experience, words

will land most powerfully when they

375

:

come from this genuine impulse, not

when you're trying to keep up or to

376

:

prove that you belong in a conversation.

377

:

Something cracked open for

every one of these women.

378

:

It wasn't the same thing for

any of them, and not all of them

379

:

are on the other side of it.

380

:

Some are still learning

to trust their voice.

381

:

Some are feeling their way

forward, but something.

382

:

Ever so slightly has shifted.

383

:

For some, it was learning

their human design.

384

:

Charlotte described diving into her

throat center as liberation, seeing the

385

:

many faces of her voice, and embracing

them all as her own inner orchestra.

386

:

Lizzie used human design along

with astrology to understand

387

:

the cadence and the rhythm of

how and when she communicates.

388

:

Learning to follow inspiration rather

than that force, that consistency

389

:

that she was never designed to have.

390

:

Jen described human design as a

permission slip to be who she is,

391

:

and perimenopause helped her too.

392

:

She described it as getting rid

of your attachment to giving a

393

:

shit what other people think.

394

:

There's actual science on this, she said.

395

:

And Lana came to understand she was

wired to express, to lead, and to

396

:

use her voice in a meaningful way.

397

:

She said, quote, "A big part of my

journey has been reclaiming that."

398

:

For some, it was the wake

up call of perimenopause.

399

:

Katie spent most of her life being

flexible and agreeable going along

400

:

because she didn't yet know, she

could say, I don't want that.

401

:

Perimenopause changed it.

402

:

She said she's vocalizing

those things now.

403

:

8 years ago, Ellen left her marriage and

then menopause shifted something else.

404

:

She said she stopped being a people

pleaser learning fierce self-compassion.

405

:

She began coaching other midlife

women who were finding their

406

:

way back to their voices.

407

:

For some, it was a moment

that left no room for silence.

408

:

Veronica's ex-husband passed away

from cancer, and days later she

409

:

learned his life insurance policy

had been redirected away from what

410

:

was intended for their family.

411

:

She reached out to her former

mother-in-law and had a direct

412

:

calm and clear conversation, and

she said she didn't back down.

413

:

Quote.

414

:

"I realized I could use my voice in a

more emotional, high stakes situations

415

:

and stand firm without losing myself."

416

:

She said that experience changed

something in her permanently.

417

:

For Kelly, she did the pattern

work in life coaching, and

418

:

finally saw where it started.

419

:

Three, four, 5-year-old Kelly showing

up to situations that had nothing to

420

:

do with her anymore self-compassion

for that part of her that helped her

421

:

identify in real time that when little

Kelly was there and give herself enough

422

:

time to respond rather than to react.

423

:

For some, it was slow work.

424

:

Talia put what she was learning

to the test over and over, and

425

:

she described it like getting

back into acting after time away.

426

:

Using a muscle that wasn't

as strong, but it came back.

427

:

For Heather, it, she's still

in the process of realizing she

428

:

adds value to everything she

does, including to what she says.

429

:

Lisa started finding new environments

like Substack to shape and to share

430

:

her voice, having always felt like she

thought differently from everyone else.

431

:

Danielle is still desensitizing

herself to the sound of her voice

432

:

by recording guided meditations.

433

:

People tell her her voice is soothing

and she's starting to believe them.

434

:

What all of these paths

have in common is this.

435

:

None of these women took a course,

none of them fixed their voice.

436

:

What shifted was their relationship

with what was already there?

437

:

We know our world is shifting.

438

:

People are talking about it

everywhere you can feel it,

439

:

even if they are not naming it.

440

:

We are in the midst of a major era shift.

441

:

For the last 400 years we've

been in the era of planning.

442

:

It was an era of structure and logic

and hustle and fitting in where

443

:

the loudest, most certain, and most

authoritative voices were rewarded.

444

:

There were gurus and experts along with

institutions who told us what to think,

445

:

how to live and what was expected of us.

446

:

Thank goodness that this era is ending.

447

:

We are seeing it play out in real time.

448

:

This grasping at old structures,

this demanding that we comply.

449

:

The loudest voices getting louder because

they can feel that things are slipping.

450

:

We are moving into an

era that is different.

451

:

The era of the individual where trusting

your own inner authority, intuitive

452

:

decision making, self-expression,

and living more authentically are

453

:

what will thrive in this new era.

454

:

We are moving away from the gurus and

the experts toward our own inner knowing.

455

:

Our own inner wisdom will matter

more than any external validation.

456

:

Midlife women have been living

in this energy for a long time

457

:

without even knowing it had a name.

458

:

We've been feeling it.

459

:

We've been told to ignore those

things that come naturally to us,

460

:

and we've been speaking from feeling

it and trusting what we sense in a

461

:

room, and we're made wrong for it.

462

:

We were told that it made us less

authoritative and less worthy of

463

:

being heard, and as it turns out.

464

:

It made us exactly right

for this moment in time.

465

:

Women's voices are more important

now than ever, not despite the way

466

:

we communicate, but because of it.

467

:

And we won't always be the loudest

in the room, but we will be

468

:

the ones that people remember.

469

:

You may have recognized yourself

in these women's stories.

470

:

Maybe you're still carrying

that old story, that you don't

471

:

have anything important to say.

472

:

That the thoughts and the feelings

and the observations that you

473

:

have aren't worth taking up space.

474

:

Or maybe it goes even deeper.

475

:

Maybe you were told directly as a

kid that your voice did not matter.

476

:

That you did not matter.

477

:

That's a different wound and

it lives in a different place.

478

:

Whatever your version of this is.

479

:

What these women found is that there

is a way back, and it's not through

480

:

fixing how you communicate, it's through

understanding how you were designed

481

:

to communicate in the first place.

482

:

You have a unique way of communicating

and expressing yourself, and it

483

:

doesn't always have to be out loud.

484

:

It lives in your writing, your

creativity, how you express yourself

485

:

through maybe your clothes, how you move.

486

:

The way you hold a room, the way you

show up for people around you, all of

487

:

this has more power than you even know.

488

:

We don't know how we're affecting

others until they tell us many times.

489

:

Your human design can show you

your natural way of communicating

490

:

and what that looks like.

491

:

If you want to go deeper, I will

be hosting a workshop called Your

492

:

Voice By Design: Understanding

your Unique Way of Communicating.

493

:

I moved it to May 28th and it's

exclusively for paid Substack subscribers.

494

:

I knew there was more coming through.

495

:

The more I wrote this article, the

more I knew that needed deeper look.

496

:

We will look at your communication

center, what it reveals about

497

:

how you are naturally designed to

express yourself, and how to start

498

:

trusting that instead of the version

you learn somewhere along the way.

499

:

Speaker 3: And I want to personally thank

each woman who contributed her story.

500

:

Lana, Priestess Erica, Linda, Ellen,

Veronica, Charlotte, Katie, Heather,

501

:

Talia, Jen, Kelly, Erin, Lisa.

502

:

Lizzie and Danielle, you all who

contributed, made this story,

503

:

this article, this podcast.

504

:

So much more rich, and I am so grateful

for all of you for telling your stories.

505

:

Thank you for joining me.

506

:

If this episode resonated with you,

please share it with a friend or

507

:

a family member or a colleague.

508

:

Thank you for joining me.

509

:

Be well.

510

:

See you next time.

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