Read the Substack article here

Part 2: In this episode, I explore what happens after the silencing. The internal checklist women run before they speak, the physical cost of suppressing our voices, and what cracked open for fifteen midlife women on their way back to trusting themselves. I also look at what Human Design reveals about your unique way of communicating and why this particular moment in history is asking something different from all of us.

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Welcome to the Unfolding Podcast, a space where we explore what

2

it looks like to really trust yourself,

say no without guilt, and live your

3

life like it actually belongs to you.

4

I'm Erica Voell, a Decision Mentor

and Inner-Trust Guide, and I help

5

women in midlife untangle from the

life patterns of shape shifting

6

and keeping everyone else happy.

7

Claim how they are uniquely

designed to make decisions and

8

understand their unique strengths.

9

Using human design as a lens, we clear the

noise of conditioning so their no feels

10

powerful and their yes feels true, and

they can move forward without self-doubt,

11

guilt, or pressure to prove anything.

12

On this show, we have honest

conversations about self-trust boundaries.

13

Energy and identity, especially for women

in midlife who are done living by the

14

shoulds and second guessing themselves.

15

If you've taken every personality test and

followed the recommended path and still

16

can't shake that feeling that you've been

spending your whole life trying to fit in

17

when all you really wanted was to belong.

18

You are in the right place.

19

You'll hear stories, insights,

and tools rooted in human

20

design, coaching, and real life.

21

Not to tell you what to do, like

another self-help book, but to help you

22

really hear yourself so you can stop

overthinking and start making decisions

23

that feel clear, grounded, and true.

24

Last week I published part one of this

series, and I've been so moved by the

25

response in the first two days, it became

my most read post on Substack and the

26

podcast has gotten so many listens.

27

Women wrote to me.

28

Personally and told me that they

cried, that they felt so seen.

29

I can see that it's being shared

and that means everything.

30

I have never had a response like

this to something I've written, so

31

thank you to those who've commented,

responded, and sent me private messages.

32

I'm so touched that the article touched

you, and I'm so touched that you've found

33

your story in these other women's stories.

34

That was really all I could hope for.

35

If you have not listened to part one or

read it, you can absolutely start here.

36

But part two stands on its own.

37

But if it really resonates, I would

encourage you to go back to the beginning

38

and listen to part one, what those 15

women shared deserves to be heard in full.

39

So here's a taste of

what Part one was like.

40

One woman was kicked under the

table by her husband during their

41

nationally syndicated radio show when

he felt she was talking too much.

42

Another stood up for women being dismissed

at work and was pulled aside afterward and

43

told that she'd embarrassed her company.

44

A wall of men called her hysterical.

45

These are not stories from 50 years ago.

46

These are the experiences of women

in midlife right now who are still

47

carrying what happened to them.

48

15 women with different lives, different

ages, different continents with the

49

same thread running through all of it.

50

Women who were told in large ways

and small ways that their voice was

51

too much or not enough, and something

else is happening in midlife that I

52

think is worth naming for many of us,

this is the season where we finally

53

notice what's been happening, the

patterns we've been carrying, the

54

silence we've been keeping, the BS

we've been tolerating and we are done.

55

We are no longer willing to shrink,

stay quiet, or make ourselves

56

smaller to make others comfortable.

57

And you can tell that the patriarchy

is not happy about it, but

58

that's not our problem anymore.

59

We are done with the BS and yet these

women whose stories I shared have

60

refused to stay entirely quiet even

after everything they've experienced.

61

They're still learning to trust their

voices and to share their voices,

62

and I thank all of these women.

63

Okay.

64

Part one was about what happened to

women's voices from the outside, the

65

silencing at home, at school, at work,

the cultural pressure to sound more

66

masculine, more logical, more acceptable

to a certain part of the population.

67

But the silencing doesn't

come from just the outside.

68

There's an internal cost that happens

when women's voices are shut down and

69

silenced, and it often happens before

a woman is even opened her mouth.

70

Okay, researchers, Nicola Brown and Renata

Cook, who are Atlantic Fellows for Social

71

and economic Equity identified something

that may feel very familiar to you.

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They noted that before speaking up.

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Many women run through a checklist

and it goes something like this.

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Should I say something?

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Perhaps I should wait for

others to speak first.

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What if I don't have a

relevant point to make?

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I wonder if everyone will think,

I don't have an opinion on

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this issue if I don't speak up.

79

Okay, I'm going to speak, but how should

I frame this so I don't sound stupid?

80

Okay, I'm gonna say this again.

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This is so important.

82

Women run through a checklist

before they even speak.

83

Should I say something?

84

Perhaps I should wait to

hear others speak first.

85

What if I don't have a

relevant point to make?

86

I wonder if everyone will think, I don't

have an opinion on this, if I don't speak

87

up, and I'm going to speak, but how should

I frame this so that I don't sound stupid?

88

And I would even add

one more to this list.

89

How will others perceive what I have

to say and how will they respond?

90

It's this internal negotiation

happening before we even open our

91

mouths, and I'm sure most of us don't

even realize that it's happening.

92

It is exhausting.

93

The researchers concluded

something worth sitting with.

94

The ability to speak with authority

is a form of privilege speaking and

95

the latitude of expressing one's

views is a form of privilege, and I

96

want to acknowledge that as a white

woman, I know I carry a privilege

97

that women of color don't have

the experiences in this article.

98

Are real and they are not.

99

The whole story of what it means to

have your voice dismissed or silenced.

100

Of the women I interviewed, Lisa described

this internal monitoring, so clearly.

101

She said she tends to self-evaluate

a lot, adapting her communication,

102

her voice, her words, her tone, her

pace, depending on her perception of

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how she's going to be received and

the message she's trying to share.

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No one told her that outright she

learned to do it, and I would bet

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it's been decades of conditioning

that's been internalized, and I

106

know it happens for so many of us.

107

We're doing it without even

realizing it because it's so

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deeply ingrained in who we are.

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And it shows up in other ways too.

110

Jen stayed safe for years.

111

She stayed comfortable.

112

She stayed in places where she was

dependent on, but not particularly valued.

113

She said, I certainly never

had the voice to ask and demand

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what I was worth financially.

115

The checklist doesn't just affect

what we say in a meeting or what

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we say at work or in our families.

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It affects us at home and in

so many parts of our lives.

118

It affects what we ask for,

what we settle for, and what we

119

decide we probably don't deserve.

120

Charlotte described walking on eggshells

during her transition from academia into

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crystal healing and spiritual coaching.

122

She couldn't express her true worldviews

and interests, and she felt it again

123

in feminist spaces when as she puts it.

124

Feminism itself had become very toxic.

125

The pressure to silence yourself doesn't

just come from patriarchal spices.

126

It comes from everywhere.

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And here's what I've noticed

in my work with women.

128

The same checklist doesn't

show up before we speak.

129

It actually shows up before

we make decisions too.

130

Before a woman can say yes to what

she really wants, she often runs

131

through this similar internal check.

132

How will this affect everyone else?

133

Will this disappoint someone?

134

Is this the right time?

135

What will other people think?

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How will I be perceived

if I make this decision?

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How will this affect my family?

138

The list can be almost endless, and

most of my clients don't realize

139

that they're doing this until we slow

down enough to look at it together.

140

It's so deeply ingrained that it stops

feeling like a choice a long time ago.

141

It's become this unwritten rule of being

a woman and being a mom for a lot of us.

142

When we start to see it, there's

usually a moment of recognition

143

followed by something that can feel

like grief, because it's not just how

144

we speak, it's how we make decisions

in the stories we carry about who we

145

are and how long we've been making

choices that we're comfortable for

146

everyone except ourselves.

147

Speaking up has a cost, and for many

of us, we consciously and sometimes

148

unconsciously, decided that the

cost was too high to speak up.

149

And we know from Bessel VanDerKolk

that in his book, the Body Keeps Score.

150

That silence and shutting down our

voices has a physical side to the women

151

in this article know it firsthand.

152

For me, it shows up in my hips

and my lower back and my shoulder.

153

Right behind my shoulder blade.

154

There is this consistent persistent pain.

155

For years I thought it was

related to my scoliosis,

156

but then I learned it was more than that.

157

It's something I have

learned to pay attention to.

158

Sometimes it shows up as digestive issues.

159

For me, it's that pain

in my shoulder blade.

160

What I'm not saying needs to be said.

161

My body gives me clear signals.

162

My chiropractor even asked me recently

during a visit about that stuck

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shoulder blade, whether there was

something I wasn't saying out loud,

164

and whether there was a situation

that I didn't feel I could speak up.

165

It can also show up in other ways

with women skin issues like eczema,

166

irritable bowel syndrome, headaches,

the suppressed things need to come out

167

and they will come out in some way.

168

Maybe just not out loud

through our voices.

169

Ellen shared that she's had a number of

clients who have literally had throat

170

issues when they don't speak their

truth from Hashimoto's to laryngitis.

171

This isn't an just an observation.

172

There is actual research

that backs this up.

173

Psychologist Dana Jack

identified a pattern in women

174

suffering from depression.

175

She calls it self silencing.

176

Women who suppress what they really

think in order to keep the peace

177

and meet everyone else's needs.

178

Sound familiar.

179

Researchers also found that women who

didn't express themselves during conflict

180

with their spouses were four times

more likely to die than those who did.

181

Let me say that again.

182

Women who did not express themselves

during conflict were four times more

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likely to die than those who did.

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Even when the researchers controlled

for age, blood pressure, smoking and

185

cholesterol levels, that connection

does not stop a depression.

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Researchers and medical professionals

have increasingly examined the

187

link between suppressed rage.

188

And autoimmune disorders in women.

189

The very qualities in our culture

that reward us for agreeability and

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extreme selflessness, that suppression

of anger can actually predispose

191

us to chronic illness and disease.

192

We are rewarded for the very

things that make us sick.

193

The women in this article knew

this in their bodies long before

194

they had a language for it.

195

After being mocked at work, Veronica

described becoming guarded and

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careful, trying not to reveal too much.

197

She avoided going onsite whenever

she could and when she couldn't,

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she over-prepared because she didn't

trust her team to support her.

199

That kind of hypervigilance.

200

Always bracing, always monitoring,

always managing how much of yourself

201

is safe to show, has a physical

cost, and it accumulates over years.

202

Jen shared that she tried anti-anxiety

medication for a time and it never worked.

203

She had a very similar experience

to what I did, and she said

204

it just numbed her out.

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" It didn't make me feel better."

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She said, "I just wasn't

dealing with my inner life."

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Numbness is its own kind of silence

and it lives in the body too.

208

And Aaron describes something that stopped

me when I read it after two traumatic

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experiences in her late twenties.

210

Experiences where she asked for help

and was told that what was happening to

211

her wasn't actually happening at all.

212

She found it harder to speak.

213

Sometimes at all.

214

She lost trust in her voice so

completely that to this day, she finds

215

it difficult to sustain conversation

for more than 10 or 15 minutes.

216

She described feeling like

something is in her throat.

217

Like she has something to say

and simply cannot get it out.

218

Erin is still finding her way

back and she is honest about that.

219

What these women's experiences make

clear is that going silent isn't about

220

being dramatic or being too sensitive

or not being able to handle things.

221

When women are silenced long enough and

consistently enough, the silence becomes

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a structural part of their own being.

223

It lives in their nervous system and

in their throat, and in their body.

224

And what the body learns, the

body can also unlearn, and

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that's where we're going next.

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I started this unfolding podcast as a

way to help me find my voice as a coach.

227

Because I knew I had something to share,

but I didn't trust that part of me yet,

228

that old story that I didn't have anything

important to say was an old story, and

229

it has been with me for a long time.

230

I've talked about it in my

previous episode called, Did I

231

have anything Important to say?

232

It was so familiar that it wasn't until a

friend started a podcast that I thought.

233

Oh, I could never do that.

234

I don't have anything important to

say, and that's when I noticed it.

235

I took note of it.

236

About two years ago, I started

learning about my communication

237

center in human design.

238

At first it was, oh, that's interesting.

239

I tend to talk about how I feel.

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I have Gate 35 for those of you that

know the Human Design Throat Center,

241

which is all about new adventures and

sharing my new discoveries with others.

242

And then I took a class with

Julie Ciardi, my mentor on the

243

communication center and something.

244

Drastically shifted for me.

245

She challenged me to look at that

gate 35 differently, not just as a

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trait to understand, but as a way

of communicating to lean into what

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I have explored, what I have tried.

248

What I have risked and what

did it teach me and to share

249

my experiences with others.

250

I now know that like that's

what connects me to people.

251

I realized that I had been doing this

for years without even knowing about it.

252

A year's worth of email newsletters,

sharing my own story as an example

253

of the power of human design.

254

Connecting with people through what

I had lived rather than what I knew.

255

I didn't realize that unconsciously

I was already sharing in a

256

way that was most natural.

257

I just had that old story

running through my head.

258

That one gate in my communication

center tends to express as I feel

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it means something different to me.

260

Now when those words come out, I know

I'm not filtering everything through what

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will make me sound good or look good.

262

I'm not stuck in my head trying

to have the right thing to

263

say or the witty thing to say.

264

I'm really tapped into

what's coming up for me.

265

Before I would have a million thoughts

and wanna get them all out at once,

266

or I would be busy thinking about

the next thing to say that many times

267

I realized I wasn't even present in

the conversation I was already in.

268

In my chart, my throat center is

undefined, so I don't have a consistent

269

way to communicate and express myself.

270

It explains why I talked to fill the

silences for most of my life, the

271

unhealthy pattern of the throat center

is talking excessively to feel heard.

272

That was so much the story of my life.

273

I talked because I was

uncomfortable with the quiet.

274

I talked because I was afraid of what

if I stopped and people would realize

275

I didn't have anything worth saying.

276

When I started sitting back and

only speaking when I felt genuinely

277

compelled, instead of talking to fill

the space, people actually noticed.

278

Somebody actually mentioned it

to me after a meeting one day.

279

And then when I did talk, what I

noticed was that my words landed more

280

powerfully because they came from

inspiration and not from pressure.

281

And when I'm in the right room

with the right people, it can flow.

282

And then when I'm lit up, oh, watch out.

283

It really comes out.

284

When I'm forcing it,

everyone can feel it too.

285

They notice it.

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I say all of this, not because

I have it figured out, I don't.

287

I'm still catching myself in these old

patterns, especially around my family

288

or when I'm feeling really unsure

of myself, but I know how they show

289

up now, and that is really helpful.

290

That changes everything.

291

I also know that I'm not unique

in not trusting my voice.

292

That was what this whole

article series confirmed for me.

293

15 women with different lives and

different designs, the same story that

294

was sort of ran underneath all of it.

295

You have a unique way of communicating.

296

All the women in this article have a

unique way of communicating, not from

297

that edited version, not the one that

was conditioned out of us, but it was

298

the one that makes us feel most like us.

299

What I found so fascinating about

human design is that your shows

300

that natural way that you communicate

and it's different for everyone.

301

When you look at a human design chart, it

can look something like out of a science

302

fiction book with shapes and numbers

and the lines connecting everything,

303

but there's so much information in those

shapes and those numbers, and even for

304

somebody that has that Gate 35 that I

have, it might show up even differently

305

based on other things in the chart.

306

Okay.

307

Human design can feel really overwhelming

at first, but when you start with

308

how you were designed to communicate,

a lot of the things that felt like

309

flaws or weaknesses actually start

to make sense, and they carry a gift.

310

The communication center is

the third shape from the top.

311

If you're looking at it, it's a square.

312

It's the center that all energy moves

through, which actually makes sense

313

because we speak the way we lead,

the way we express our thoughts and

314

emotions, our identities, our values,

all flow through that one place.

315

When you look at that square in your

chart, the first thing you'll wanna notice

316

is if it's colored in or if it's white.

317

Colored in means you have a defined

throat center and white means undefined.

318

Neither one is better than the other.

319

Th they're just giving

us information about you.

320

If that center is colored in,

that tells us that you have a

321

consistent way of communicating.

322

Your voice, your way

of expressing yourself.

323

It has a quality that doesn't

change depending on who you're

324

with or what room you're in.

325

12 of the 15 women that I interviewed for

this article have defined throat centers,

326

and what struck me as I read through their

stories is that almost every single one

327

of them was told directly or indirectly

to use that consistent voice differently,

328

either to be more quiet or more palatable.

329

Kelly was called hysterical for using

hers to stand up for other women.

330

Ellen was kicked under the

table for using hers too freely.

331

Lana was told she elaborated too much.

332

Charlotte felt like she could

never win an argument against

333

someone who was more dominant.

334

And Priestess Erica was told that

her way of showing up no longer fit,

335

their voice was naturally there.

336

The world was trying to edit it for them.

337

For women with defined throats,

the conditioning doesn't

338

just silence the voice.

339

It teaches you to distrust

it and to second guess it.

340

The healthy expression of a defined throat

is to find a specific way that that center

341

is designed to speak for you, and trusting

that, trusting that your words will land

342

when you're speaking authentically instead

of feeling edited or running through

343

that checklist we talked about earlier.

344

If your throat is undefined and it shows

up white in your chart, and maybe it has

345

a couple of numbers activated, maybe it

has none of the, the numbers activated.

346

That means you don't have a

consistent way of communicating.

347

It means you are incredibly adaptable.

348

You speak in different

ways with different people.

349

You can pick up on the energy of the

people around you and you can amplify it.

350

But one of the challenges of this

undefined throat center is talking to

351

fill the silence, speaking from pressure

rather than when you are inspired,

352

feeling like you have to keep up with

the conversation or to be noticed.

353

Talking excessively to feel heard.

354

That was the story of my life

for so long, and it was not.

355

I'm not alone.

356

Heather and Talia, and Lizzie and

I, we all have undefined throats

357

and looking back through their

stories, I can see a pattern.

358

Lizzie was told she was too much

and filed herself down to fit.

359

Talia was shunned for speaking up and

learned to monitor herself constantly.

360

Heather absorbed her mother's quiet and

found herself going silent in groups when

361

she didn't feel like she knew enough.

362

And for me, I talked for hours when I

was on a road trip with my mom because

363

I was so uncomfortable with the silence,

I thought that's what how you are

364

supposed to be when you are a woman.

365

You fill the silence with conversation.

366

What all of us were doing

was speaking from pressure.

367

That pressure might have been

outside of us, but a lot of times

368

it comes from inside of us too.

369

We were absorbing the energy of the rooms

we were in and the people we were with.

370

And we were either talking

over it or we were going quiet.

371

The healthy expression of an undefined

throat is waiting for the inspiration

372

rather than speaking from pressure.

373

It is hard.

374

I can tell you from experience, words

will land most powerfully when they

375

come from this genuine impulse, not

when you're trying to keep up or to

376

prove that you belong in a conversation.

377

Something cracked open for

every one of these women.

378

It wasn't the same thing for

any of them, and not all of them

379

are on the other side of it.

380

Some are still learning

to trust their voice.

381

Some are feeling their way

forward, but something.

382

Ever so slightly has shifted.

383

For some, it was learning

their human design.

384

Charlotte described diving into her

throat center as liberation, seeing the

385

many faces of her voice, and embracing

them all as her own inner orchestra.

386

Lizzie used human design along

with astrology to understand

387

the cadence and the rhythm of

how and when she communicates.

388

Learning to follow inspiration rather

than that force, that consistency

389

that she was never designed to have.

390

Jen described human design as a

permission slip to be who she is,

391

and perimenopause helped her too.

392

She described it as getting rid

of your attachment to giving a

393

shit what other people think.

394

There's actual science on this, she said.

395

And Lana came to understand she was

wired to express, to lead, and to

396

use her voice in a meaningful way.

397

She said, quote, "A big part of my

journey has been reclaiming that."

398

For some, it was the wake

up call of perimenopause.

399

Katie spent most of her life being

flexible and agreeable going along

400

because she didn't yet know, she

could say, I don't want that.

401

Perimenopause changed it.

402

She said she's vocalizing

those things now.

403

8 years ago, Ellen left her marriage and

then menopause shifted something else.

404

She said she stopped being a people

pleaser learning fierce self-compassion.

405

She began coaching other midlife

women who were finding their

406

way back to their voices.

407

For some, it was a moment

that left no room for silence.

408

Veronica's ex-husband passed away

from cancer, and days later she

409

learned his life insurance policy

had been redirected away from what

410

was intended for their family.

411

She reached out to her former

mother-in-law and had a direct

412

calm and clear conversation, and

she said she didn't back down.

413

Quote.

414

"I realized I could use my voice in a

more emotional, high stakes situations

415

and stand firm without losing myself."

416

She said that experience changed

something in her permanently.

417

For Kelly, she did the pattern

work in life coaching, and

418

finally saw where it started.

419

Three, four, 5-year-old Kelly showing

up to situations that had nothing to

420

do with her anymore self-compassion

for that part of her that helped her

421

identify in real time that when little

Kelly was there and give herself enough

422

time to respond rather than to react.

423

For some, it was slow work.

424

Talia put what she was learning

to the test over and over, and

425

she described it like getting

back into acting after time away.

426

Using a muscle that wasn't

as strong, but it came back.

427

For Heather, it, she's still

in the process of realizing she

428

adds value to everything she

does, including to what she says.

429

Lisa started finding new environments

like Substack to shape and to share

430

her voice, having always felt like she

thought differently from everyone else.

431

Danielle is still desensitizing

herself to the sound of her voice

432

by recording guided meditations.

433

People tell her her voice is soothing

and she's starting to believe them.

434

What all of these paths

have in common is this.

435

None of these women took a course,

none of them fixed their voice.

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What shifted was their relationship

with what was already there?

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We know our world is shifting.

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People are talking about it

everywhere you can feel it,

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even if they are not naming it.

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We are in the midst of a major era shift.

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For the last 400 years we've

been in the era of planning.

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It was an era of structure and logic

and hustle and fitting in where

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the loudest, most certain, and most

authoritative voices were rewarded.

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There were gurus and experts along with

institutions who told us what to think,

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how to live and what was expected of us.

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Thank goodness that this era is ending.

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We are seeing it play out in real time.

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This grasping at old structures,

this demanding that we comply.

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The loudest voices getting louder because

they can feel that things are slipping.

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We are moving into an

era that is different.

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The era of the individual where trusting

your own inner authority, intuitive

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decision making, self-expression,

and living more authentically are

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what will thrive in this new era.

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We are moving away from the gurus and

the experts toward our own inner knowing.

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Our own inner wisdom will matter

more than any external validation.

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Midlife women have been living

in this energy for a long time

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without even knowing it had a name.

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We've been feeling it.

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We've been told to ignore those

things that come naturally to us,

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and we've been speaking from feeling

it and trusting what we sense in a

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room, and we're made wrong for it.

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We were told that it made us less

authoritative and less worthy of

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being heard, and as it turns out.

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It made us exactly right

for this moment in time.

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Women's voices are more important

now than ever, not despite the way

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we communicate, but because of it.

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And we won't always be the loudest

in the room, but we will be

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the ones that people remember.

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You may have recognized yourself

in these women's stories.

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Maybe you're still carrying

that old story, that you don't

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have anything important to say.

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That the thoughts and the feelings

and the observations that you

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have aren't worth taking up space.

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Or maybe it goes even deeper.

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Maybe you were told directly as a

kid that your voice did not matter.

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That you did not matter.

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That's a different wound and

it lives in a different place.

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Whatever your version of this is.

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What these women found is that there

is a way back, and it's not through

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fixing how you communicate, it's through

understanding how you were designed

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to communicate in the first place.

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You have a unique way of communicating

and expressing yourself, and it

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doesn't always have to be out loud.

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It lives in your writing, your

creativity, how you express yourself

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through maybe your clothes, how you move.

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The way you hold a room, the way you

show up for people around you, all of

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this has more power than you even know.

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We don't know how we're affecting

others until they tell us many times.

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Your human design can show you

your natural way of communicating

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and what that looks like.

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If you want to go deeper, I will

be hosting a workshop called Your

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Voice By Design: Understanding

your Unique Way of Communicating.

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I moved it to May 28th and it's

exclusively for paid Substack subscribers.

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I knew there was more coming through.

495

The more I wrote this article, the

more I knew that needed deeper look.

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We will look at your communication

center, what it reveals about

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how you are naturally designed to

express yourself, and how to start

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trusting that instead of the version

you learn somewhere along the way.

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Speaker 3: And I want to personally thank

each woman who contributed her story.

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Lana, Priestess Erica, Linda, Ellen,

Veronica, Charlotte, Katie, Heather,

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Talia, Jen, Kelly, Erin, Lisa.

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Lizzie and Danielle, you all who

contributed, made this story,

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this article, this podcast.

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So much more rich, and I am so grateful

for all of you for telling your stories.

505

Thank you for joining me.

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If this episode resonated with you,

please share it with a friend or

507

a family member or a colleague.

508

Thank you for joining me.

509

Be well.

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See you next time.