Have you ever considered how the dynamics of bullying in the workplace affect belonging and psychological safety?

In this thought-provoking solo episode of the Happier at Work podcast, Aoife O'Brien opens up about her personal experiences with bullying, from her childhood to her professional journey. Inspired by a recent post from Amy Cuddy, Aoife examines the often-overlooked complexity of bullying, emphasising that it's rarely a simple case of "bully" and "victim." Instead, she uncovers the powerful role of group dynamics, bystanders, and exclusion in perpetuating negative environments at work.

In This Episode, You’ll Discover:

• Why bullying is often more than one person targeting another.
• The importance of psychological safety for a thriving workplace, and can be undermined when individuals feel unable to speak up about exclusion or bullying.
• How we all may sometimes participate in exclusion or gossip, highlighting the need for honest self-reflection.
• The vital role leaders have in making a difference by noticing exclusion, challenging groupthink, and creating a culture where reputations can recover.

Related Topics Covered:

Workplace Dynamics, Psychological Safety, Building a Reputation

Connect with Aoife O’Brien | Host of Happier at Work®:

• Website
• LinkedIn
• YouTube

Related Episodes & Resources:

Episode 217: How Can We Identify & Overcome Self-Sabotage Behaviours at Work?

Episode 218: How Can You Improve Happiness & Trust at Work with Matt Phelan

Episode 247: Navigating the Drama Triangle at Work with Aoife O’Brien

Episode 291: How to Fix Toxic Cultures

About Happier at Work®

Happier at Work® is the podcast for business leaders who want to create meaningful, human-centric workplaces. Hosted by Aoife O’Brien, the show explores leadership, career clarity, imposter syndrome, workplace culture, and employee engagement — helping you and your team thrive.

If you enjoy podcasts like WorkLife with Adam Grant, The Happiness Lab, or Squiggly Careers, you’ll love Happier at Work®.

Editing by Amanda Fitzgerald.

Website: https://happieratwork.ie LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/aoifemobrien/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@HappierAtWorkHQ

I saw a post on LinkedIn the other day all about bullying. It was from Amy Cuddy. If you're not familiar with her work or who she is, she's the one who talked about power posing, so posing like Superman or Superwoman before going into an important meeting or a presentation. Her work was later discredited And what seems like a professional pile-on to discredit her as a person. She has a book coming out next year all about bullying. This is the Happier at Work podcast. I'm your host, Aoife O'Brien, and bullying is not something that I have talked about on the podcast ever before. It's something I've thought about talking about.

It's something I've talked about or thought about sharing, you know, some of my own experiences, and I'm not really sure why I haven't, but that post has prompted me to talk a little bit more about bullying, my own experiences, and maybe something for you to take away and think about for yourself. So I want to preface this by saying I was bullied quite horrendously when I was in primary school, and it's made me the kind of person who wants to make sure that everyone feels included, that everyone feels like they belong. And that was especially the case when I see people deliberately being excluded or just forgotten about. And it's the case when I was in secondary school and there was maybe someone being excluded, and I to make sure that I spoke to that person. So it kind of turned me into that kind of person. I think we tend to think about bullying as this idea of one person is a bully and another person is the person who is being bullied. They are the victim. And oftentimes it's a little bit more complicated than that.

So we could have the bully or the instigator, and then there's other people who maybe pick up on the signals or get involved or just don't do anything You know the bystander effect that they're just watching on without actually stepping in, and then of course we have the person who is being singled out, the person who is being targeted. It's not just one person versus another person; oftentimes it's an entire group. It's the group that gives the behavior the power that it has, and you don't have to be actively participating in the bullying, in the attack. You can just be, like I said, a bystander. You can be laughing along, not speaking up. You can be excluding them. them from invitations. You can believe stories about them without actually checking with the person themselves, and maybe you can treat them a little bit differently because of what everyone else is saying.

When I started thinking about bullying in a little bit more of a deeper way, I realized I haven't just experienced it, I've probably been a bully myself. I want to share my own bullying experience as the, the experience of being, let's say, the victim, and this was maybe a slightly different experience. This was in the workplace, So I touched on this idea of being bullied at school, and that was like the name-calling. And I think a lot of people have experienced that. This experience at work was essentially, for want of a better word, I was being blanked. I was being ignored. So to kind of take a few steps back, I joined an organization and someone who I had gone to college with was also in that organization. And one of our mutual friends kind of laughed one day, said, Wouldn't it be so funny if one of you became the other person's boss and what would happen? And actually, that's what did happen.

And so I was this person's boss and we got on okay. I won't say we got on brilliantly, but when I stopped being her boss, she completely and utterly blanked me. So I would be walking down the corridor, I'd be trying to get some work done, and it extended not just to me, it also extended to my team. So she treated my team really badly. Yeah, the experience was really, really difficult for me to show up to work every day, to actually try and get my work done because her team and my team worked quite closely together. But it wasn't just that single dynamic. I noticed with the promotion that I got that it kind of turned things into an us and them. We all like to think we're part of the us rather than the them.

And I felt like I went from being part of us to being one of them, and so this entire dynamic changed. I didn't know what was being said about me in the rooms where I wasn't there. I wasn't there to defend myself. I had had that experience of being managed by a former peer myself, so I was very aware of that kind of dynamic, but this was after I had managed her. I found that there were people who I had been friends with who started distancing themselves from me, and it kind of felt like people had chosen a side, either her side or my side. And for the most part, it was her side because I don't know, like I said, what was being said about me. So it made for a really difficult working environment, and I started to feel like I didn't really belong there anymore. But now I want to turn the mirror around slightly, and if you've ever experienced being bullied, and I think So many people have, and it's quite a relatable experience.

But have you ever examined a time when maybe you were the person who got involved in the bullying as well? And I know when I think about it, I definitely have. In the times when I have listened to what someone else has said about someone and believed them rather than seeking out the truth, or, you know, maybe say the truth in inverted commas, rather than seeking that out for myself by having a direct conversation with the person who's being spoken about. I, like I said at the start, I try and not exclude people because I know how painful that is. But there are times when I have excluded people. Maybe it's been a values clash. Maybe it's been for another reason whatsoever, but there are definitely times when I have excluded people as well. And then there are times when I've just gone along with whatever the group consensus is rather than trying to rock the boat and believing what the beliefs about this other person actually are. And the thing is, we don't tend to label ourselves as bullies when we have these behaviors.

We tend to know when we are the victims, and we can definitely feel that. But when we do these kinds of behaviors, we don't necessarily give ourselves the label of bully. We can justify our behavior. We say things like, oh, she's difficult, or he brings it on himself. Nobody likes working with her. We're just going to keep our distance. You haven't heard what he did. And once someone has got this kind of negative social reputation, every ambiguous thing that someone says about them can be interpreted with this negative connotation.

It's so powerful. Bringing this back to something else that I've talked about recently is psychological safety. And psychological safety is the foundation of the thriving talent model. And it's so important to feel safe to speak up and share what's going on. But if you feel like you're a victim and there's no one that you can turn to, and I know Certainly this was me until it came to my exit interview and I explained everything that had been going on, that I didn't really feel like I could speak up. I didn't really feel like I had anyone to speak to. So as a leader, what are the kinds of things that we can do? We can ask things like, what happens after the group decides that someone is difficult? Do leaders actually notice exclusion? Do you notice when someone is being deliberately excluded? Do you participate in gossip? I know I certainly have done in the past. Are there in-groups and out-groups? Can someone recover from a mistake or some sort of damaged reputation? When someone says, everyone thinks that, does the leader actually step in and challenge what's being said? Are we forming our own judgment of someone or are we just inheriting it from someone else, from what other people say? I wanna introduce this concept of social bravery that Amy Cuddy talks about.

So it doesn't have to mean standing up to the bully. It can simply mean not participating in the bullying behavior. So don't join in. Talk to the person that everyone else has stopped talking to. Ask, have you actually spoken to her about that? Because oftentimes when there's gossip happening, and I know I've been a person who has gossiped in the past, and I try and actively not get involved in that now. But when you actually have a conversation and someone says something that's a little bit gossipy, encourage them to have a direct conversation with the person instead of spreading those kinds of messages. Definitely don't pass on the gossip once you've heard it. I know certainly for me, if someone tells me something in confidence, it doesn't go any further.

And you know, a lot of secrets being kept up here. Invite the person who is typically excluded. Form your own opinion of what they're like. If someone is legitimately being criticized for their work. So in, in Amy Cuddy's case, yes, when they did further investigation, some of the ideas kind of started to fall apart. And I think it's important from a scientific perspective to challenge those kinds of things. But what happened afterwards, it wasn't just about the science, it became a personal attack on her. If a person has to be challenged or criticized about what they've done, so that could be poor performance, it could be You know, lack of scientific rigor, whatever it might be.

Make it about the work, make it about the behavior, make it about the actions. Don't make it about the person themselves. Another thing I wanted to add into this episode is back when I was experiencing all of these things, it was before WhatsApp groups. And I think it sort of exploded this sense of not feeling like you belong if you're left out of a particular WhatsApp group. Maybe some people are happy with that, but I know for me, if I am excluded from a WhatsApp group, or if I get a sense that there's maybe a separate group happening where I'm not involved, or things have died down a little bit in the group that I'm in, I'm very astute to those kinds of things. And so I definitely notice. So I suppose the question for today's episode is not really thinking about have I ever been bullied, it's thinking more about Have I ever participated in the behaviors that can make it seem like I'm part of the bullying problem? So ask yourself the questions that I asked throughout today's episode. Have I helped someone else feel like they didn't belong? And if so, what would I do differently the next time? That's it for today's episode of Happier at Work.

I would love for you to get involved in the conversation. Have you ever been bullied? Or have you ever demonstrated bullying behaviors yourself? Maybe you're reluctant to admit that, but think about that to yourself as well. Get involved in the conversation. You can message me on [email protected]. I'm very active over on LinkedIn and would love to know what you think over there.