Hey everybody, welcome to the podcast. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. Today I want to give you something clear, direct, and maybe a little challenging—in the best way.
If you’ve been listening for a while, you know we don’t do quick fixes here. We’re not selling shame. We’re not about white-knuckling. And we’re definitely not in the business of reinforcing the idea that you’re broken. Because you’re not.
But I am going to tell you the five things you actually need to do if you want to solve your pornography problem—not just manage it. Not just “get better.” Solve it.
And these five things are not hacks. They're not willpower strategies. They are a set of deeply meaningful shifts that I’ve seen create real change over and over again with the people I work with.
So let’s dive in.
1. Stop thinking of this as an addiction you're not in control of.
If you want to change your relationship with pornography, you have to stop seeing yourself as powerless. Full stop.
When you think of this as an addiction, especially in the popularized 12-step sense, you reinforce the idea that you're not in control—that there's some force taking over your body and hijacking your choices.
Now, let me be clear: the experience feels out of control. I get that. But it feels that way because you’re caught in what I call the detour cycle.
Imagine pornography use as a stream. Most of us think we just fell in and got swept away. But the truth is, there’s a path that leads to that stream—thoughts, feelings, habits, unacknowledged emotions—and we walk that path long before we ever "fall in."
When you begin to see those patterns clearly—when you start to notice the detour—you start to reclaim your agency. You realize you don’t need to fight the current if you never step into the water in the first place.
This doesn’t mean you’re to blame. It means you have power. And that’s the first step to changing anything: owning your power.
2. Stop suppressing your feelings.
Most of us were taught from a young age that emotions are something to get over or push through.
"Don’t cry."
"Rub some dirt on it."
"Get back out there."
And while some of those messages might be useful in a sports context, they create a culture where feelings are unwelcome, where vulnerability is weakness, and where discomfort is failure.
So what do we do? We stuff it down. We pretend we’re fine. We become experts at appearing “okay” on the outside while chaos brews underneath.
But here’s the truth: feelings are tools. They’re not problems to be solved—they’re signals to be explored.
What would happen if you started treating your emotions like indicators on a dashboard instead of threats to avoid? What if that sadness, that loneliness, that stress, that boredom—wasn’t something to fix, but something to understand?
That shift is massive. And it opens the door to real healing.
3. Learn and practice emotional regulation tools.
It’s one thing to stop suppressing your feelings. It’s another thing to actually know what to do with them.
That’s where tools from ACT—Acceptance and Commitment Therapy—and mindfulness come in. These are not abstract theories. They are practical skills that help you do one essential thing:
Get good at being uncomfortable.
Because the truth is, pornography is often used to buffer against uncomfortable emotional states. If you’ve never been taught how to feel disappointment, how to process shame, or how to sit with loneliness—of course you’re going to look for relief.
But if you can practice noticing your emotions, allowing them to exist, breathing through them—without trying to fix or escape them—you start to build emotional resilience. You stop needing to run. You stop needing to buffer.
You allow the emotion to rise and fall like a wave instead of letting it crash over you.
This is the work we do in coaching. It’s uncomfortable at first. But it’s life-changing.
4. Acknowledge that pornography helped solve problems you didn’t know how to handle—and that’s okay.
This one might be hard to hear at first—but stay with me.
Pornography use is often a strategy. Not a good one. Not one that creates thriving relationships or deep self-respect. But it’s a strategy.
And for many people, it’s the best strategy they had at the time. It was what was available. You didn’t have the tools. You didn’t have the understanding. You didn’t have the support. And maybe, just maybe, you were doing your best.
That doesn’t mean it’s who you want to be. And it doesn’t mean you have to keep choosing it. But it does mean you can let go of the shame.
You wouldn’t blame someone for building a house with bad tools if that’s all they had. You’d give them new tools and help them build something better.
So give yourself permission to say: “That version of me did the best they could. Now I’m ready to do better.”
Not because you’re bad—but because you’re growing.
5. Practice vulnerability—and let it create true intimacy.
If you want to solve your porn problem, you have to stop hiding.
That doesn’t mean you tell everyone everything. But it does mean you stop living in the shadows of self-presentation and begin to live in the light of self-disclosure.
Vulnerability isn’t weakness. Vulnerability is strength without armor. It’s choosing to be honest about who you are—not to manipulate or get approval—but because you value truth more than image.
Letting people know the real you—especially your partner—is scary. But it’s also the only way to create real intimacy.
And here’s the key: you don’t have to be perfect to be trustworthy.
Being trustworthy means you are honest about where you are, clear about who you’re becoming, and willing to take responsibility—again and again, without the need for shame or self-punishment.
This is how you become the person you want to trust. That’s what real change is built on.
Wrap Up
So, let me recap the five things you actually need to do if you want to solve your porn problem:
Stop believing you’re powerless. You’re not. Start seeing the detour before you step into the stream.
Stop suppressing your feelings. Treat emotions like tools—not enemies.
Build the emotional skills you never learned. Learn ACT, mindfulness, and how to stay with discomfort.
Acknowledge how porn has “helped”—without shame. You were doing your best. Now you have better tools.
Practice vulnerability. Become the person you trust, not the image you curate.
This work isn’t easy. But it is possible.
And if you’re ready to dive deeper into it—if you want support, tools, and transformation—you can always work with us at GetToThrive.com/workwithzach or GetToThrive.com/workwiththrive.
Until next time—keep choosing values over goals, truth over image, and growth over shame.
You’ve got this.
