Description: Geographic gatekeepers are trying to rebrand the Gulf of Mexico as the "Gulf of America" while their patriotic boners fly at full mast. From correcting children at geography bees to acting like acknowledging Mexico's existence threatens national security, this geographical land grab exposes America's pathological need to slap its name on everything it touches.

Spice Index: 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️

This rant sizzles because it exposes America's geographic gentrification as the ultimate small-dick energy. When you're so insecure about your national identity that you're colonizing maps, you're basically admitting your cultural relevance is circling the drain. It's like a middle-aged man buying a sports car, except instead of a Corvette, you're compensating with continental shelves. Why? Because deep down, America knows its empire is one WikiLeaks away from being the next Rome—just with worse healthcare and more reality TV presidents.