Are you and your partner fighting too much, Dear Listener? Chances are you’re not taking advantage of our #1 communication tool for contentious couples – I-Statements!

This episode delves into the power of using I-Statements (aka I-Messages) when communicating with your partner. We explore how I-Statements improve relationships by fostering open dialogue and compassion, while You-statements often lead to defensiveness and misunderstandings.

After reviewing the benefits of I-Statements, we share examples for couples that clearly show how to frame your communication around feelings and needs. By reviewing I-Statement vs You-Statement examples, you’ll learn how I-Statements encourage calm and empathetic communication.

Next, we give you the nitty gritty on how to use I-Statements in relationships.  We break down granular differences between I-Statements and You-Statements, such as specificity versus generalization, taking responsibility versus blaming, and focusing on feelings versus thoughts.  I-Statements promote understanding and collaboration in relationships, allowing room for multiple perspectives and validating both partners' experiences.  But that’s only if you use them correctly, so listen closely for the rules of I-Statements!

By the end of this episode, you'll walk away with practical insights and strategies that you can immediately apply to your relationship. This powerful communication tool will help you create a safer and more supportive space for dialogue, enabling you and your partner to enjoy more love and connection.

Key Takeaways

00:00 - Intro

02:42 - What are "I-Statements"?

05:49 - How can "I-Statements" improve communication?

12:15 - How do you properly formulate an "I-Statement"? And what’s the difference between “I-Statements” and “You-Statements?”

33:41 - What if I-Statements feel unnatural or forced?

38:16 - Are there times I-Statements aren't useful?

42:23 - What if my partner doesn't want to use I-Statements?

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

I-Statements: A Therapist's #1 Communication Skill for Couples Who Fight Too Much

Feelings Chart

To get more free dating, relationship, and social anxiety advice, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter to sign up for – you guessed it – our newsletter!

From the Relationship Center, I'm psychotherapist, couples counselor, and

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dating coach, Jessica Engle, and this is

I Love You Too, a show about how to create

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and sustain meaningful relationships.

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Josh: I'm dating and relationship

coach Josh Van Vliet.

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On today's episode, we're going

to talk about our number one

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communication skill for couples

who fight too much, I statements.

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We're so happy you're here.

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And please remember that this show is

not a substitute for a relationship with

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a licensed mental health professional.

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Welcome, welcome to your listener.

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So today we're talking about, as I

said, our number one communication

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tool and skill for couples who fight

too much, all about I statements.

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And I actually want to.

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Can I start this episode

with some examples?

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Jessica: Yeah, absolutely.

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Let's do it.

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Josh: Okay, so I'm going to read

a couple of examples here, dear

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listener, and I want you to notice

your experience in your body.

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What do you notice about how you

feel when you hear these statements?

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Okay, here's the first one.

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You're always late.

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Jessica: I feel anxious when you're late.

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Josh: You never take me out anymore.

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Jessica: When you take me

out, I feel connected to you.

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I'm sad we haven't done that lately.

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Josh: You're so selfish.

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Jessica: I feel really

frustrated right now.

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Josh: What'd you notice?

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Did some of those statements put you

at ease a little bit more, while others

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made you feel a little more stressed out?

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That is the power of I statements.

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The chances are you felt a little

bit more stressed with some of

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those statements like, you're so

selfish or you're always late, right?

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Kind of like kicks up our, um,

autonomic, automatic, not autonomic,

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Jessica: Selmic is another word for

automatic in the nervous system.

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So you're not wrong.

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Josh: wrong.

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Uh, our automatic stress response.

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Whereas the, uh, the I statements,

things like, I feel anxious

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when you show up late, or I feel

really frustrated right now.

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Help kind of allow us to take

that in a little bit better.

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Jessica: Mm hmm.

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Yeah.

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So that's a beautiful starting overview.

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We're going to dive in more to

iStatements or iMessages in a moment.

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Before we do, if you love our show,

dear listener, will you please leave us

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a rating and review in Apple Podcasts?

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By doing so, you'll help us

help more sweet humans like you.

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So thank you in advance.

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Okay.

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So let's get back to iStatements and

let's talk about, you know, What an I

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statement is at its most basic, okay?

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So, I statements, also known as

I messages, are sentences, or

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sometimes sentence clauses, that

start with I and communicate the

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speaker's feelings and needs, okay?

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I statements do tend to promote

calm, compassionate communication.

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Now, I statements are a little bit

easier to understand as we sort of

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displayed at the top of the episode

in contrast to you statements.

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Okay, and so a you statement is a

sentence or clause that starts with you

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and tends to emphasize the speaker's

judgments about the listener's behavior.

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Which then leaves the two people

trying to connect vulnerable to

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misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

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So I statements encourage openness and

ongoing dialogue, while you statements

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incite anger and defensiveness.

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Let me give you another example, okay?

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So how would you respond if your

partner used a you statement like,

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you're really getting on my nerves?

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Uh huh.

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How would you respond, Josh?

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Josh: I mean, I, uh, I notice my immediate

response is a little bit of like pulling

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back and feeling kind of on edge, like I'm

under attack and I need to defend myself.

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Jessica: Yes, exactly.

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Most people are going to respond to,

you're really getting on my nerves, uh,

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with defensiveness, which is going to

make them sort of at risk for sort of

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progressing into a full blown argument.

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Okay.

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So in contrast, how might you

respond, uh, to somebody who says, I'm

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feeling really frustrated right now.

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Josh: tell me more about your frustration.

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Jessica: Right.

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Yeah.

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So, and you tell me more

about that response.

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Josh: Yeah, I, I, it has me like, oh,

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this is someone I care about and

I want to know what's going on.

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How can I help them?

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And even if it is about something I've

done, it's starting from what's happening

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for you rather than what's wrong with me.

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Jessica: Right.

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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And so, an I statement like, I'm

feeling really frustrated right

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now, is going to be much easier

for most people to respond to with

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kindness, empathy, and coming closer.

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Josh: Beautiful.

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So that's kind of like the basic level.

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We're going to go into a lot more

detail about iStatements and how to

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use them and some of the nuances here.

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Because there's some really important

nuances that if you don't know about

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it and you try to use iStatements,

or you already are trying to use

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iStatements and you feel like they

go sideways sometimes and you're not

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quite sure why, I think what we're

going to talk about in this episode

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today is going to help, uh, untangle

that for you and help you understand

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where some of the pitfalls might be.

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But for folks who are maybe even maybe

new to this or haven't thought a lot

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about I statements, why should we bother?

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Jessica: What's

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Josh: the value of I statements

for us in a, in our relationships?

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Jessica: Right.

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Yeah, so we've been sort of touching

on, well, I statements can be a

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doorway into calmer communication

versus more defensive communication.

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I would say this is particularly

relevant to you if you do find

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that you and your partner or other

loved ones are arguing frequently.

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When that's happening, oftentimes,

you don't want to Both people

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are unintentionally communicating

in a way that intensifies

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rather than diffuses conflict.

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And in my experience working with couples,

I statements are like really at the

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top of my list in terms of strategies

that you can learn to pull your partner

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closer rather than push them away.

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Okay?

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Something to think about in terms of

you statements, starting with the word

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you tends to signal to the listener's

nervous system that criticism,

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rejection, or an attack might be coming.

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Just like you said earlier, Josh,

you felt like you were under attack.

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And you know, when we communicate

our judgments using you

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statements, our partners are

more likely to go on the defense.

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When we're in defense mode,

we can't hear each other.

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And so there's not a lot of hope

for Uh, resolution in that state.

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We have to learn how to basically turn off

the, the war like parts of our brain and

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turn on the more diplomatic parts of our

brain, as, as Stan Tatkin refers to them.

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Josh: Yeah, absolutely.

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It's like, yeah, when we get into

that state, uh, that activated state,

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it's like, like you're saying, we're

not even going to register some of

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the things that are coming at us.

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We're, we're going to very

selectively be picking up things

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and usually looking for threats.

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At that point which of course, if

we're only selectively brain is

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filtering for threat or seeing threat

and then we escalate further it just,

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you go down a bad spiral together.

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Jessica: and this is why I think some

couples, they really feel sort of

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blindsided by by their fights, right?

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Because think about when you're falling

in love, it's like you're on such, you

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know, you're on the same page, you're

on the same wavelength, there's so much

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you have in common, and then at some

point that kind of honeymoon phase is

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over, and those more kind of primal

instincts in us can get really triggered

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by the person that we're closest

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Josh: Yep.

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Jessica: And so, So, I think the

other thing that's helpful about this

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model looking at I statements and

kind of how to turn off the threat

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instinct or the, the, that threat

protection system in the brain is just

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to recognize, like, this is normal.

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We are animals.

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We are human, but we are also

animals, and we can work with,

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with that animal part of ourselves.

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And one of the ways we do

that is with I statements.

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On a neurobiological level, I

statements tend to signal safety, okay?

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Because they start with I they're

often associated with responsibility

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taking rather than blaming, and

they're less likely to trigger

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that automatic or autonomic

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Josh: yeah

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Jessica: stress response in the listener.

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Josh: absolutely.

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Absolutely.

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One of the things I love about I

statements I feel like they almost

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naturally create a space where

there's a possibility to explore

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differences of opinion or experience.

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Jessica: Mm-Hmm.

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Josh: Whereas a you statement like,

you're always late, I'm asserting

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my reality, I'm asserting my

interpretation of what's happened.

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Which is.

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There's something wrong with you that

you always show up late and it doesn't

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really create space for you to be like,

well, I have a different experience here.

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Can we work together to find a

way to get both of our needs met?

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It's more like.

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I'm right, you're wrong, end of story,

which of course you're gonna fight if

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you're on the receiving end of that you

know, no one likes to be characterized

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in a negative light or, or told

that they're doing it wrong or that

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there's something wrong with them.

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Jessica: Absolutely.

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So if partnership is about

partnership Collaboration.

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We have to notice when we go into places

where we're setting up a sort of opponent

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dynamic, which is what you're describing.

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When we get really fixed in one

perspective, we've stopped operating

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as a two person psychological system.

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We've stopped trying to find

compromise and balance between the

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two of us, and shifted more into

that, uh, Winner loser stance.

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Josh: in which everyone loses.

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Jessica: Yes, exactly.

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Josh: Even if you think you've

won, you've lost, trust me.

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Jessica: yes.

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Um, I want to just add one more thing.

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I do think that I statements

are worth learning, even if

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you're not in a relationship.

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I statements can really promote self

awareness and emotional processing.

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Okay, so, it's not uncommon for a

lot of people to distance themselves

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from their feelings by saying things

like, You know, there was anger.

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Or, you know when you feel angry?

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Right?

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Instead of saying, I felt angry,

um, this is something I actually

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practice with my clients in sessions.

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I've noticed when they're using that kind

of more you statement based communication

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and coach them through the I statements

and it's amazing how much more they feel.

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Because of that, and because

they're feeling more, they know

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themselves more, they're able to

work through more, uh, quickly.

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And then they're also set up in their

relationships to be more direct and

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assertive about how they're feeling.

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Josh: I love that.

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I picture it as your training for

the big match, so to speak, right?

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You're putting in the reps.

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I've been playing a lot of pickleball

recently, so you're practicing your shots

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Jessica: Yes.

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Josh: in order to, once you get into

a relationship, and also you can use

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it in any relationship, it doesn't

have to be a romantic relationship.

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You're using your friendships, your,

you know, familial relationships, etc.

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But once you are in a partnership,

you've got a lot of reps under your

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belt already so that you are ready

to, to be there as a great partner

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with whoever, whoever you're with.

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Jessica: Absolutely.

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I agree.

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Josh: Beautiful.

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Well, why don't we get into some

of the nuances of how to properly

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formulate I statements and what, what

are some of the differences between

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I statements and you statements?

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Because, like I said, I think

this is such a powerful.

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tool and skill to learn.

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And I have also seen it go wrong

in so many different creative ways

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That if you don't know some of

these things, it can be difficult.

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And you may not even know

quite why it's difficult.

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So I think this is, this is great.

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So why don't we get

into, into some of these.

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Jessica: Great.

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So, one of the first things to keep

your eye on when using an I statement

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is you statements are general,

where I statements are specific.

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Okay?

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So generally, sweeping generalizations

leave room for misunderstanding, where

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I statements are a great way to get

specific and In doing that, reduce

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the chances of misinterpretation.

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Josh: Absolutely.

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So, should we give a little example here?

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Jessica: Let's do it.

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Josh: So let's imagine a, a common

scenario In many households, the

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trash is full to overflowing.

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Your partner is assigned

to trash duty this week.

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Here's an example of a,

a general you statement.

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You didn't clean up

like you said you would.

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You make me so upset.

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Jessica: And here is a

specific I statement example.

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I feel frustrated that the

trash hasn't been taken out yet.

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I would really appreciate it

if you would take care of that.

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Josh: Beautiful.

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Beautiful.

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What are some of the key differences

that you see between these two?

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Jessica: Yeah.

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I mean, I think that you didn't

clean up, like you said you would.

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Maybe their partner knows what that means.

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Maybe they, they're aware

of the trash, but maybe not.

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Maybe they're like, did

I not do the dishes?

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Am I

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like,

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what, what's going on?

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Josh: Right.

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Did I leave my clothes on the floor?

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I don't, I'm just kind of alarmed.

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Right.

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But don't even quite know why.

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Jessica: Right.

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Yeah.

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And you make me so upset.

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It's this general sort of almost

like, An always statement, right?

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It kind of characterizes the

person as an upsetting person.

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Josh: Yep.

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Yep.

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Yeah, versus I see in the, in the

I statement, very specific, right?

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It's this specific thing that didn't

get done that you said you would do.

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And a very direct request.

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And I love this because it, it,

we're not avoiding the issue, right?

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It's not about being kind of

quote unquote nice by not actually

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asking for what you want, which

is the trash getting cleaned up.

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But we're doing it in a way that is gonna

yield a much better result most of the

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time then with a general use statement

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Jessica: Absolutely.

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And I'll just add in there, I feel

frustrated that the trash hasn't been

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taken out really includes an emotion.

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And we'll talk a little bit more about

that later, but emotions, when we're able

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to name them, they do often invite our

partner closer because a relationship is

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a, is a connection between two hearts.

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Josh: yeah, yeah, absolutely and

I do us also just want to say here

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It may still be uncomfortable for

your partner to hear this, right?

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I, I don't want it to come across like,

if you just use an I statement, your

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partner will do whatever you want, right?

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Probably not.

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Uh, and it, it, you know, your partner

may hear this and be like, well, I,

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I'm a, you know, they may be a little

upset that you're frustrated or whatever,

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but it's still a better entry point.

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more likely to yield a positive

result than if we just kind

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of go this general route.

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Jessica: Yeah, absolutely, I think

that's a really beautiful point.

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Using I statements doesn't mean

the other person isn't going to

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have feelings about what you say.

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And it is going to give them the best

chance of responding in a wise, kind way.

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Should we go on to number two?

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Let's

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Alright, so you statements

emphasize blame, where I

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statements take responsibility.

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Okay, so, starting a sentence

with you sets the speaker up to

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focus on the listener's actions

rather than their own experience.

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Okay, I statements in contrast encourage

the speaker to take full responsibility

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for their feelings and needs.

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Josh: So, let's give another example here.

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Imagine you dress up for a

wedding that you're attending

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with your partner who fails to say

anything about your appearance.

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Womp womp.

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Here's what the blaming you

statement might sound like.

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You're quiet today.

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You know, sometimes I don't think

you find me attractive anymore.

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here is

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Jessica: then here is a

responsibility assuming I statement.

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When you don't compliment me

about my appearance on special

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days like today, I feel insecure.

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I would really love some

words of affirmation.

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mm-Hmm.

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Josh: One of the things I notice

about that is that it requires being

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a little bit vulnerable, right?

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Mm-Hmm.

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Naming, I feel insecure, which is

not always an easy thing to do.

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It requires some courage, it

requires being able to even

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notice that's what's happening.

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And, like you're saying, it

invites your partner in closer.

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Jessica: Mm-Hmm.

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Josh: Perfect.

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Number three?.

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Jessica: Number three.

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All Use statements focus on the problem

where I statements offer a solution.

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So instead of focusing on what's going

wrong, use I statements to share your

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feelings and suggest concrete ways

your partner can help support you.

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Josh: support you.

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You're going through a difficult health

situation, and when you share some

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of your worries with your partner,

they respond by giving advice.

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So, a use statement, problem

focused use statement, might

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sound something like this.

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You think I haven't tried all of that?

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You just don't understand.

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Why can't you just be there for me?

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Jessica: Yes, and a solution-focused

I statement might sound like I

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appreciate you wanting to help,

but I don't want advice right now.

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I'm feeling really sad and afraid.

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Would you be willing to

hold and listen to me?

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Josh: There are so many things

I love about that statement.

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Number one, you're

setting a clear boundary.

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You're, you're saying, I

appreciate you wanting to help.

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Even before that, you're acknowledging

that you see that they want to help.

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Jessica: Mm-Hmm.

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Josh: But it doesn't stop there.

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Then you go on to name how you're feeling.

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It's like, I'm feeling sad and afraid.

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Beautiful.

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And then the, like, the clincher

here, the, like, the piece

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de resistance is beautiful.

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the sweet request for support.

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Like, would you be willing to

hold and listen to me right now?

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So direct and clear and inviting the

person to, to care for you, which they

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want to do in a way that you really want.

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Jessica: Yes, and that's

going to land so much better.

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I mean, you can just see that

couple holding one another, right?

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Versus, why can't you

just be there for me?

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Right?

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Josh: ah, I'm trying to be there.

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What do you

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Jessica: Yeah, I just see

them kind of like walking on

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eggshells around each other after

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Josh: Yeah, absolutely.

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Yep.

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Jessica: Okay, so number four.

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Josh: Okay, perfect.

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Jessica: You statements focus on shoulds,

I statements focus on the present moment.

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Josh: Mm-Hmm.

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Jessica: So you and should go

together like peas and carrots, and

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who loves being told what to do?

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Instead of shoulding on others, I

statements focus on the speaker's present

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moment experience, and that's ultimately

where we have the most power, right?

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Josh: Mm hmm.

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Absolutely.

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So, I think this example

will help illustrate.

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Imagine your partner shares about

an ongoing conflict with their boss.

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One that reminds you of a

work trauma you experienced.

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A shouldy you statement might

sound like, You know, it seems

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like you're really unhappy there.

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You should really look for another job.

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Jessica: Good, and a present

moment focused I statement.

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I'm noticing I'm feeling anxious right

now, possibly because what you're sharing

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reminds me of some of the difficult

experiences I had at my last job.

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I need to take a moment to be

fully present to listen to you.

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Josh: Yeah.

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Beautiful.

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It's like, I think in the first one, what

the, the person is, is kind of trying

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to do is to control their experience in

order to manage the anxiety or the, the

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feelings that are coming up for them.

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Like, well, you're unhappy.

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You should, if you just went to a

different job, I wouldn't have to feel

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anxious about what you're sharing.

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Jessica: Right.

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Josh: Rather in statement,

the present moment is like,

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what's happening right now?

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Oh, what's happening right now is I'm

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Jessica: Mm-Hmm.

405

.Mm-Hmm.

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Josh: And naming that is

so much more powerful.

407

It gives, it gives so much more,

and so much more true also.

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It's like reflecting what's happening

rather than kind of putting it on

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what's happening for the partner.

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Jessica: Yes, exactly.

411

And just notice with a lot of these

examples, this does take mindfulness,

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this takes tuning into ourselves in

the moment to notice our feelings

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and our needs and our requests.

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And that is a skill.

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That, that does take practice

and it's totally doable.

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I do think that just noticing the you

statement, the, the impulse to give a you

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statement, the impulse to give unsolicited

advice, whatever it is, that's your signal

418

to pause and kind of feel and look inward.

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Josh: I think that's a beautiful,

beautiful signal, right?

420

Because when we're developing a

skill, like you're naming, there's

421

multiple skills layered here, right?

422

There's how do I put this into words?

423

But then there's a skill before

that of what am I even experiencing?

424

And then how do I put it into words?

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And If we allow ourselves the space

to slow it down, right, you can

426

imagine, just like if you're learning

to play guitar, you're not going to

427

play your super fast scale from the

first time you pick up the guitar.

428

You're going to play

those notes really slowly.

429

And then you're gonna do it a

little faster the next time,

430

a little faster the next time.

431

So, giving yourself permission,

just like, let me notice the signal.

432

Use that as, okay, I'm about to tell

you what to do, or give you some advice,

433

or tell you what's wrong with you.

434

Okay, good.

435

That's my signal.

436

What am I experiencing?

437

And sometimes it may even just be like,

I don't know, but I'm just kind of upset.

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Good.

439

That's a great place to start.

440

Jessica: Yeah, well, and to your point,

Josh, about like, sometimes we don't

441

know and it does take time to figure out

what am I feeling, what am I needing.

442

It's totally okay just like in

this example to say, I'm feeling

443

upset, I'm not really sure what's

going on, I think I need a minute.

444

That's totally okay.

445

Josh: Yeah,

446

Jessica: And it's much better than,

you really should look for another job.

447

Josh: Yep.

448

Great.

449

Jessica: Okay, let's do number five.

450

Use statements name call,

I statements name feelings.

451

So name calling comes in many forms,

including referring to your partner

452

as a jerk, or simply indicating that

they're self centered in some way.

453

So avoiding these labeling use statements

is best, and you can opt instead for

454

naming your feelings using an I statement.

455

Josh: So imagine your partner shares

that they made plans to spend time with a

456

couple of friends this Friday night, which

has historically been your date night.

457

A name calling you statement

might sound like, What?

458

I was excited to check out

that new restaurant finally.

459

Ugh, you're so selfish.

460

Jessica: And a name feelings I statement

is, I feel really sad that you chose

461

to spend time with your friends Friday.

462

That's our date night.

463

Josh: Hmm.

464

Like, oh, okay.

465

I can see my partner's distress,

and I want to come towards

466

them and figure this out.

467

And I, You know, because you can imagine

a number of different scenarios here.

468

One of which is just your

partner just spaced, right?

469

Didn't remember it was date night

or didn't realize that it was

470

going to be upsetting for you.

471

And now they have this

important information.

472

Oh, you're sad.

473

Okay, great.

474

That one, I want to come towards

you and figure out how to make this

475

Jessica: Yes.

476

Yeah, and on the other hand,

saying, you're so selfish.

477

There are a lot of people who are going

to hear that and just be like, I'm out.

478

Not necessarily from the relationship,

from that moment, that conversation,

479

because suddenly they're the bad

guy and they see that the other

480

person's not able to see with any

sort of nuance, complexity, gray,

481

hold them in, in high esteem.

482

Josh: Yeah, yeah, and they might

also just start pulling for, uh,

483

ammunition to fire back, right?

484

Well, you know, you've scheduled

that other thing when we had that

485

other thing we were going to do and

you're just as bad as I am, right?

486

You kind of get into that back and

forth where no one gets what they want.

487

Jessica: Right, right.

488

If somebody's selfish or a jerk,

they're an opponent, not your partner.

489

Yeah.

490

I want to add, too, that I

think this is one of the kind

491

of nuances of I statements.

492

When you name your feelings, really

make sure it's an emotion word.

493

Sad,

494

angry, frustrated, guilty,

ashamed, whatever it is.

495

And feelings charts are a

really great resource there.

496

We can link to one of

those in the show notes.

497

I'll give you an example of what

might for some people seem like

498

a feeling statement that isn't.

499

I feel like you don't care.

500

Josh: don't care.

501

Jessica: I feel left out.

502

Josh: You're

503

Jessica: so those are usually

interpretations of what

504

somebody else has done.

505

just remember if you're, if you're

starting it with the statement with

506

I feel like or I feel that, it's

generally actually a thought or an

507

evaluation, versus I feel and then

usually just one emotion centered word,

508

sad, angry, fearful that's the ticket.

509

Josh: Yeah, beautiful.

510

I think that's a place where so

many people get off track when

511

trying to use I statements.

512

Jessica: Okay.

513

Let's do number six.

514

You statements emphasize thoughts,

where I statements emphasize feelings.

515

So attachment science tells us that our

partners fill a vital biological need,

516

which is to have a secure base to turn

to when we're emotionally distressed.

517

We can create a secure bond with

our partners by sharing emotions

518

freely using I statements.

519

On the other hand, you statements

often focus on thoughts alone,

520

which can really promote distance

and intimate relationships.

521

Josh: So imagine you excitedly

tell your partner that your parents

522

are coming for a visit on Easter.

523

The following week, they ask whether you

want to attend an Easter brunch at their

524

church's throwing, then look confused when

you remind them of your parents visit.

525

So a thought focused you statement might

sound like you're so forgetful sometimes.

526

I think you might have ADHD or something

527

Jessica: And an emotion focused I

statement might be when you forget things

528

I've told you, I feel hurt and forgotten.

529

Josh: Mmm, beautiful.

530

Yeah, it feels very similar

to the like evaluations or

531

Jessica: hmm.

532

Josh: judgments, right?

533

It's like I'm labeling you as

forgetful and then I'm like

534

assessing like why are you forgetful?

535

Like maybe you have ADHD Versus

Acknowledging what's the impact of

536

the specific thing that happened.

537

Not again, not, not a very general

thing about you, but specifically

538

when you forget things I've told you,

this is what the impact is on me.

539

Jessica: the on you.

540

To the earlier point about emotions,

forgotten is actually not an

541

emotion that is an evaluation.

542

So it would be even better to go deeper

under forgotten or maybe even to say the

543

story I tell myself about you forgetting

this is that you're forgetting me.

544

Josh: Which has more ownership over it.

545

It's like, this is the

story that I tell myself.

546

This is how I interpret it.

547

Versus, this is the fact

that you have forgotten me.

548

Yeah.

549

Beautiful.

550

Should we go on to number seven?

551

Jessica: Yes, so number seven is one

that you've already touched on a little

552

bit, Josh, which is you statements

present opinions as facts and I statements

553

leave room for multiple perspectives.

554

So healthy relationships allow for

both togetherness and separation.

555

Difficulties arise when we really

fail to recognize and honor both

556

our sameness and our differences.

557

That kind of codependency might call

it is reflected in you statements that

558

Present one partner's opinion or need as

capital T truth rather than really leaving

559

room for both parties to have different

560

perspectives?

561

Josh: Yeah, this is so important.

562

I feel like this is another place

where couples really get off the rails,

563

where thinking like, well, only one

person can be quote unquote right here

564

about what's happened or about who

is the kind of wronged party, right?

565

Versus like, oh, we both have a different

experience here and they're both valid.

566

We can both have feelings about the

same thing that's happened that kind of

567

appear to contradict even, and yet both

experiences can be completely valid.

568

So let's give an example here.

569

Imagine that you and your partner

are on a long, strenuous hike.

570

It's a new trail for you, but not

for your partner, who reassures

571

you that they can guide the way.

572

After taking a wrong turn, and

having to backtrack, your partner

573

appears uncertain about how to reach

the Grand Vista at the trail's end.

574

This is what an opinion presented as

fact use statement might sound like.

575

You don't know what you're doing at all.

576

We should just give up and turn around.

577

Jessica: And an acknowledging multiple

perspectives I statement might sound

578

like, I notice that I'm feeling

frustrated and I have the impulse

579

to like give up and turn around.

580

I'm hungry and I'm hot which

always makes me super cranky.

581

If you're feeling more positive

about getting to the top, I'd love

582

to hear that so I can stay motivated.

583

Josh: Beautiful.

584

Yeah.

585

You don't know what you're doing at all.

586

Real downer to hear that.

587

Jessica: Yeah.

588

Josh: And probably not true, right?

589

It's, it's so easy to leap to

these generalizations about this

590

is just true about everything from

specific small instances like,

591

oh, they missed this turn, right?

592

Versus acknowledging like,

okay, I'm frustrated.

593

And I want kind of having the

thought, maybe we should turn around.

594

And also like, there's some other

things happening, like I'm hungry and

595

hot, which, you know, you probably

know, dear listener, if you're hungry,

596

tired, you know, overheated, lonely,

all these different things, right?

597

Stress response, we are not at our best.

598

And so that can impact.

599

how we're seeing the situation, how

we're experiencing the situation.

600

So I love, and even in this I statement,

inviting the other person to share their

601

Jessica: uh,

602

Josh: Rather than kind of stating

this is what's so, uh, and

603

not leaving any room for them.

604

Jessica: Right, you're leaving

space for, I mean, you know, the

605

other person's clearly still going.

606

They said earlier, I can lead us.

607

So leaving space, even though in

your hungry, cranky state, you

608

might be like, this is impossible.

609

Josh: We're never going to get there.

610

Yeah.

611

Beautiful, beautiful.

612

So just a quick, I just wanted

to get a quick recap of, of those

613

distinctions that we, we laid out.

614

So I statement, uh, you statements are

general, I statements are specific, right?

615

You statements, uh, may include blame

while I statements include taking

616

responsibility for one's feelings.

617

Use statements typically focus on the

problem without offering a solution,

618

while I statements might include

identifying what you need or want.

619

Use statements often include shoulds

or oughts, you really should look for

620

another job, versus I statements focus on

what's happening in the present moment,

621

like I'm feeling anxious right now.

622

Use statements including

labels like you're so selfish.

623

I statements include labeling

one's feelings rather than

624

another person's character.

625

You statements are often thoughts

only like you're so forgetful.

626

I statements typically include thoughts

and feelings and you statements tend to

627

state an opinion as though it is a fact.

628

And i statements acknowledge that

others may have different opinions.

629

So hopefully by this point in the

episode, you at least have a pretty

630

good idea of what I statements versus

you statements sound like, some of

631

the different nuances for how to use

them well, why they're important.

632

I

633

just want to take a moment and address any

other, like, common pitfalls or mistakes

634

that we make when using I statements.

635

And in part, you know, I know when I

first encountered I statements, I think

636

it initially landed for me as a little bit

stiff or forced or like unnatural, right?

637

Like, we're just, this is so weird.

638

We're, this isn't like

a normal conversation.

639

I'm doing this kind of artificial thing

and it just feels awkward and bleh.

640

Jessica: Right.

641

Josh: And I think that's a lot of people's

experience when they're trying to learn

642

something new and how to communicate

with, with somebody they care about.

643

Uh, and I'm curious, what's

your thought on that?

644

When, when someone has that

response or has that reaction,

645

how do you respond to that?

646

Jessica: mean, at first I just validate

it, like, absolutely, it's kind of weird

647

To

648

use a communication skill,

particularly at the beginning.

649

It's a little formulaic, it

can feel a little awkward.

650

I think for some people it's like,

there's self consciousness, right, they

651

feel like they sound a little funny.

652

And then I think there's also

sometimes an element of, well,

653

I feel further away, because it

doesn't feel like a natural flow.

654

And so I think it's really important,

yeah, just to acknowledge like that.

655

That's part of the process.

656

Going back to your beautiful metaphor

about music, I had a similar one

657

that I was thinking of sharing, which

is like, when you're a musician,

658

if you're a musician, think about

all of the times that you have

659

done awkward formulaic scales.

660

I mean, hours and hours of them.

661

If you've been a musician for a

long time or, you know, pickleball,

662

how many drills have you done where

it's like, well, miss that one.

663

That was awkward over and over and over

again so that you can play with mastery.

664

So really allowing yourself to acknowledge

the discomfort, the awkwardness send

665

yourself some compassion around that

and also adopt that growth mindset.

666

This is part of it, okay, and you're

learning a new skill and it will

667

become more natural with practice.

668

I do encourage you to share this episode.

669

We also have an article that we'll

link to in the show notes that

670

this episode is based off of.

671

Um, share those with your partner and

start practicing with one another.

672

Uh, and just again, remembering that

building happy relationships, that's a

673

skill and most of us were not taught it.

674

That's what this podcast is

675

Josh: is about.

676

Um,

677

Jessica: Um, so if you can embrace

the fact that you are going to

678

feel like a beginner at times,

you are way ahead of the game.

679

Josh: Mm hmm.

680

That's beautiful.

681

And I love what you're, what you're

saying about, you know, And I feel like

682

if you can have a conversation with your

partner and be like, I would love to

683

use this skill with you, practice this

together, we're probably going to feel

684

weird and awkward doing it at first.

685

Is that okay?

686

Are you up for that?

687

I really think that would

bring us closer together.

688

Because if you, if you're on the

same page as your partner, if you're

689

both like, yeah, let's try this.

690

Let's, let's give it a shot.

691

Let's learn how to do this.

692

I think it will lower the barrier

of awkwardness a little bit, right?

693

You kind of put the awkwardness

in the space together.

694

You named it.

695

We're expecting it's going to

be weird, uh, at first at least.

696

So that you can, you can practice

together rather than feeling like, oh,

697

I'm trying to do this thing and I'm

feeling weird in front of my partner.

698

And Kind of knowing that you're

on the same team with it.

699

Jessica: Totally, yeah.

700

I think, I often think about awkwardness

as something is going unnamed.

701

So I love what you're saying.

702

Like, just name it and maybe

even play with it, right?

703

Like, you and I at the

beginning of recording day,

704

we were like, I feel ready for

705

Josh: right?

706

Jessica: right?

707

There's a lot of like, weird, funny

things you can do with I statements with

708

you statements that are, are laughable.

709

Josh: Yeah, I love that.

710

I love that.

711

Yeah.

712

And, and, and using them, like playing

with them, practicing them outside

713

of the, the difficult moments, right?

714

Because it's very hard to

practice something in the moment

715

that you need it the most.

716

In those moments where you're your

amygdala is a little activated, where

717

you're, you know, a little triggered,

you're upset, it's gonna be hard.

718

And so If you can, in those moments

when you're doing the dishes together,

719

it's like, I feel happy that I'm doing

the dishes with you, you know, in that

720

very, like, self, silly, playful way.

721

That's a wonderful,

wonderful way to practice.

722

Jessica: Yes, and I think this

is where we plug couple therapy.

723

Right?

724

What a wonderful, safe place to practice

I statements, to have someone coaching

725

you from the side to really help you

drill down into all those specifics so

726

you don't have to remember all of them.

727

Um.

728

So,

729

check out Couples Therapy.

730

Josh: service.

731

The show's great

732

Jessica: Not the show.

733

The actual service.

734

The show's great, too, but

735

Josh: on, are there, Would you say, are

there any times when I statements aren't

736

as useful where it's like, no, don't

use I statements, use something else.

737

This will just get you into trouble.

738

Jessica: Yes, so it's a great question.

739

I will say that, you know, dear

listener, you've probably picked up on

740

the fact that I statements aren't just

sentences or clauses that start with I.

741

Josh: Yes, this is a good thing this

is a good thing to clarify, because

742

if you walk out of this and say, I

feel like you're a jerk, uh, that

743

will not be using I statements.

744

Jessica: exactly.

745

And that was exactly my example.

746

I think you're a jerk.

747

I feel like you're a

jerk is, I mean, it's.

748

It starts with I, it's a statement,

but it is not an I statement in the

749

sense that it does not focus on the

speaker's feelings or needs and it does

750

not invite calm connected communication.

751

Okay?

752

So, if you're defining I statement as,

well, as long as it starts with an I

753

and it's, it's a statement, then, um.

754

Josh: I'm doing it right, right?

755

Right.

756

Jessica: so statements that are

incendiary, like, I think you're a jerk,

757

are not useful really pretty much ever.

758

I think the other piece to keep in

mind with I statements is they're only

759

helpful when they're paired with open,

non threatening body language, okay?

760

So keep in mind that non verbal

and para verbal communication, and

761

para verbal are the sounds that

aren't words, like, mm, mm hmm.

762

Um, so nonverbal and paraverbal

communication composes 93 percent

763

of how others perceive us.

764

Okay.

765

In other words, what you communicate

with your body and your tone

766

of voice is arguably way more

important than the words you use.

767

Okay.

768

So, imagine that your partner

is saying I love you, right?

769

With a smile, lilt in their voice.

770

And then imagine them saying

with a sneer, yeah, I love you.

771

Josh: I love

772

Jessica: love you so much.

773

Josh: Oh gosh.

774

Oh no.

775

Jessica: totally different message, right?

776

So you do need to pair these I statements

or I messages with that open, non

777

threatening body language, tone of voice.

778

If you can't do that, if you find yourself

like veering into sarcasm or the anger

779

is like seeping through everything

you're saying, that's a sign that it's

780

a moment to pause and to regulate.

781

Okay, so to take 20 minutes, there's

research that shows that it takes us about

782

20 minutes to get our nervous systems calm

enough to communicate in a loving way.

783

During those 20 minutes, I recommend

not focusing on your partner

784

or the conflict that you're in.

785

Actually focus on something

totally different.

786

Like, read a magazine,

watch a YouTube video,

787

And then come back.

788

Because that tone is so important.

789

Josh: But I'm not hearing you say

don't use I statements in the way

790

that we've talked about them today.

791

When something.

792

Jessica: Yeah, because I, I

793

Josh: It's hard to think of an

example of when that would be.

794

Jessica: Yeah, exactly.

795

Josh: it's.

796

Inviting your partner closer,

sharing your experience, inviting in

797

multiple perspectives and opinions

about what's happening, and looking

798

for positive solutions together.

799

It's like, pretty much always

going to be applicable.

800

Jessica: I mean, I think my mind

starts to go to like, okay, maybe

801

there's some situations where you

really need to set a firm boundary.

802

But even there, I think I

statements are vital, right?

803

If you continue to cheat on me, I

will need to leave this relationship.

804

There's still a nice

statement in there, right?

805

Josh: Yep, makes sense.

806

Talked a little bit about this

already, but I know some people may

807

be listening to this and thinking,

well, I'm really into this.

808

I don't know if I'm going to be

able to get my partner to do this.

809

What if my partner doesn't

want to use I statements?

810

What do you say to those folks?

811

Jessica: Well, I would say when

communicating with them about it,

812

I recommend using I statements.

813

So you might say, I've been feeling really

sad that we've been fighting so much.

814

I want to feel connected

again, and I have a sense that

815

using I statements could help.

816

It would mean so much to me

if you'd give them a try.

817

You might share with them this episode,

the blog article we're going to link to,

818

um, to get them enrolled in that idea.

819

If they're open to it,

try couples therapy.

820

Hearing from a third party that I

statements are useful and getting the

821

expert support can really be useful in

kind of enrolling some, someone in I

822

statements and ultimately your partner

is going to do what they're going to do.

823

What you have control over is how you

communicate your needs and feelings.

824

I really hope that they come

around and join you on your path

825

to learning in a communicating,

loving way with I statements.

826

Um, I think it's probably pretty

clear to you at this point,

827

we're very pro I statements here.

828

Josh: for those fellow

829

Jessica: Yeah.

830

And you know, your partner is going

to do what they're going to do.

831

And so be the model.

832

of, of the I Statement Champion,

if they're not going to join you.

833

And, and really look at, okay, my

partner's not joining me in this.

834

Is that a sign that there's something

about this relationship that either

835

really I need to set a boundary around,

or maybe it's not the right relationship.

836

Josh: The only thing I might add is it

might be worth asking them aren't excited

837

or aren't initially a yes to using ICM,

it's like, yeah, what, what worries you?

838

about using I statements or what,

what don't you like about it?

839

Because it, it may be that they have

some ideas in their head about what it

840

means that may not be accurate, right?

841

We have kind of a lot of cultural messages

around I statements that are sometimes

842

helpful and sometimes not helpful.

843

And so it might be they think,

Yeah, it's just this formula for

844

I just start things with I and it

doesn't actually make a difference.

845

And, well, uh, uh, uh, Where, you know,

again, if you shared this episode,

846

or the blog post, or got some support

from a couple of therapists, you

847

might have some support to help them

understand what it's really about,

848

and then they might be more interested

849

Jessica: Yeah, I love that.

850

And it's just going to give you so

much great information about them.

851

Um, in addition to giving you

an opportunity to actually

852

address their concerns.

853

Josh: Beautiful.

854

Okay, great.

855

Anything else that you want

people to know about I statements?

856

Jessica: Well, I have a silly story, which

is when I was in grad school, I was just

857

starting out as a training therapist.

858

And which is an intense process.

859

And one night I went to

sleep and I had a dream.

860

And in some weird dream scenario world,

I was teaching people I statements, And I

861

woke up and my thought was, I think I can

officially call myself a therapist now,

862

Like, if it's infiltrated enough into my

awareness that I'm teaching people in my

863

dreams while other wacky dream stuff is

happening to use I statements, uh, I, I

864

have officially graduated as a therapist.

865

Josh: it.

866

Jessica: So, you could say this

episode is a dream come true.

867

Josh: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

868

Oh boy, well, that's a good sign.

869

We should wrap up then.

870

Jessica: When Jessica comes

with the jokes, it's ready

871

to, we're ready to wrap up.

872

Josh: Oh, I love it.

873

I love it so much.

874

Beautiful.

875

Well, That's all for today.

876

You can find the show notes with links

to all the resources we mentioned in

877

this episode at relationshipscenter.

878

com slash podcast.

879

Jessica: Yes, and dear listener, if

something in this episode touched

880

you, will you please leave us a

rating and review in Apple Podcasts?

881

That would mean the world to

us and it would help us reach

882

more sweet humans like you.

883

Until next time, we love you too.

884

Bye!

885

We didn't record my song.

886

song?

887

Yes, it

888

Do you believe in iMessages?

889

I just think iMessage.

890

You're

891

right, it should be, Do you

believe in life after iStatements?

892

No wait, that's not it.

893

Do you believe in iStatements?