Have you ever had something on your mind that desperately needed to be said, but every time that you start to formulate the response to someone that you are meeting with…the words escape you? How can we be able to communicate more effectively, especially if what we have to say always slips from our mind, lips and/or fingers? Today’s episode shares not only important tips to consider with ensuring that you are able to keep your composure, but when the conversation is extremely challenging, how you can overcome the challenges to work on the best versions of both parties in mind. It’s time to be heard, and a few moments can effectively change any set of additional, minutes, hours, days, months, or years that are not wasted any longer!

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 159 of Speaking from the Heart.

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Now, now, now.

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Don't click on that

stop button and move on.

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Hear me out for a few moments.

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I want you to desperately hear what I have

to say, because sometimes the things that

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I have on my mind don't always come out

until I have the full thought coming to

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my mind, visualizing what it looks like

what I want to say, processing it to make

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sure that you are accepting of what I

have to say, and then finally saying it.

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Have you ever been in situations

like that, where the thoughts, what

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you want to say, all the words,

you are about ready to say it, but

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then they just instantly disappear?

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Today's episode is focusing on not only

some tips that might help you to get over

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that sort of situation, but to also reel

back in the importance of making sure

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that you have that important message that

you have to say actually is being said.

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I think in the communication world

especially, we have to figure

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out what are ways in which we can

effectively deliver a message.

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I have been a big advocate, even for

myself, of sharing stories, being able

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to tell why this concept, why this

important step in the cog of the bigger

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overall picture, is so important for us

to create this context, this vision if

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you will, of what it means to grow, to

sustain ourselves, to see what is truly

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valuable in the bigger grand scheme of

what we ultimately want to have, but

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yet, even when it comes to conversations,

verbal dialogue, it means that we have

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to understand why we're making that

response to someone, whether it's in

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email, whether that is in some sort of

text, whether it's in some kind of other

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things that we're doing as a whole, so

that we can be able to be effective.

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Sometimes the best medium of how we

communicate can also play a role in

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hearing out what we have to say, but

when we see those three dots on our

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iPhones, or in Teams, or in any other

type of platform, when someone's trying

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to type out a message, you often have

to ask yourself, and the thoughts start

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racing in, of, "Why are you typing and

taking so long to type that message?"

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"What are you going to say that

will ultimately impact me?"

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"What are the things that are ultimately

going to be said that will change

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the dialogue, or even the tone if you

will, of this overall conversation?"

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I think one of the first things that we

need to focus on when we talk about this

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is not having that kind of expectation.

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The expectation doesn't fall on you.

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It falls on the other person

that is delivering the message.

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Maybe you are the one that

is delivering the message, so

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that will also apply to you.

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The biggest key, though, is that

if you're the receiver of it, you

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have the ability to dictate how

the ultimate response will occur.

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I know for me, I overthink, I overanalyze

because of my autism, and sometimes

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I have to overcompensate by giving

myself the grace of saying, "It's okay

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to say what is right on my mind.", but

oftentimes, that's not always the case.

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I don't want to say things that are

really impactful, that are negative

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in nature, because if it slips

through my mind, it slips through

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my lips and fingers by accident,

I can't easily take it away again.

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It's out there.

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It means that somebody's going to

process it in a way that maybe has

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some ill intended consequences, so

one of the biggest things you have

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to learn is that when that message is

being received, give it a few moments.

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Think about what you actually

want to say so that it's actually

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received in the way, in the manner,

in which it's supposed to be.

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I know that's easier said than done,

especially in some passion, in a fit

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of rage, maybe you're disappointed with

someone and how their performance is, and

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we've talked about in previous episodes

of ways in which you can overcome that

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performance review conversation, and being

more in charge of what it is that you want

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to have come out of that conversation,

whether you are the employee, or if

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you are the boss delivering that, which

I highly encourage you to check out

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because it ties into some of the things

I even have to mention here today.

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It means that we actually have to take

our composure, we fit it into what we

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are actually hearing, or what we're

expecting to be said to us if we're

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preparing for it, and being able to

extremely challenge ourselves to overcome

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what are some of the messages that are

often heard, so take that step back.

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That's my first tip.

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The second thing is, think about what

you actually want to have, not only

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as the messaging, but what is it going

to say to your audience as a whole

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indirectly, especially when it comes

to the nonverbal cues that you present.

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Now in texting, you can present

nonverbal cues by simply

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using the emojis; using a GIF.

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Those types of imagery, especially in the

21st century, and for many types of Gen

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Zers that are involved with this process,

easily use that as a way of connecting,

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a way in which we can also understand

the thoughts, feelings, emotions of the

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recipient of that message to soften the

blow, or maybe even reinforce the blow,

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of what that message ultimately delivers.

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When we actually think about how we

can keep our composure, how we can

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have that challenging conversation with

each other, it means that we have to

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understand, from a visual context, and

a perceptual context, what it means

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nonverbally what we're trying to say.

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I know that for many of us being able to

talk in that kind of language is foreign.

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It's something that even for some of my

Gen Xers, even my Boomers that might be

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listening to this, might have never had

to deal with before, but when you think

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about the bigger picture, the bigger

context of what nonverbal messaging,

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especially like images and emojis, can do,

it helps us to set a context, a direction

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in which we want our recipient to feel.

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It doesn't necessarily mean that you have

to deliver a message with those in mind.

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Maybe the message has to be professional.

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Maybe it has to be serious.

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Keeping the text straight to the point,

not drifting off from other directions,

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means that we have to learn and understand

that our conversations with each other,

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the conversations that we need to grow

in, have to come from a position of

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feeling like we're okay to share these

things, that safety zone, which I've

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talked about in Crucial Conversations

in earlier episodes of this podcast, but

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when the words and the things slip our

fingers, and especially the things that

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we really want to get off our chest,

is there any recourse to reel it back,

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maybe reframe it in a different way?

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My answer is, it depends.

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For many of us, we might

only have one shot.

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For my sales executives and for other

people, we have to abide by code of

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laws and ethics and other things when it

comes to delivering a sale, and sometimes

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the ethics of it are loosely followed

because depending on who you're talking

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to, they might not be professionally

trained, they might not even understand

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what are some of the cultural, societal

perspectives that need to be followed.

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Sometimes that is where ethical concerns

stem from, for the most part, but even

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for legal compliance purposes, even with

some things like procurement of goods and

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services, it means that you have to learn

how to frame that messaging, perfecting it

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right away in the very beginning, because

you might not have another shot in the

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future, so taking that time to understand

who you're talking to, whether it is the

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customer, whether that is a potential

relationship that you're building, whether

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it is somebody that is close to you, each

of those types of scenarios will have

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a different outcome, and it means that

when you hear somebody out for what they

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have to say every time that you start

to formulate that kind of response, you

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have to think about what the ultimate

goal is and pivot on that as well.

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As you know, I've been an avid Toastmaster

for over thirteen years, and that 13

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years of experience has allowed me to

grow in so many different ways, so many

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different opportunities in which it

has expanded my comfort zone, not only

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in delivering impromptu messaging, but

taking any type of topic, and turning

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it into your own, is something that is

really important, especially when we

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have this type of engagement; this type

of conversation that we're having today.

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If we're able to really work on ourselves

to ensure that we have the best composure,

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to ensure that we can get over extremely

challenging situations, it means that

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we have to put ourselves in a mindset of

knowing what will we say when that answer

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that we're expecting from them comes up.

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We can play out all kinds of

different scenarios, but you have to

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also come from a place that is not

only positive in nature, but also

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what the end goal is, and working

towards what you can and cannot do.

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In the business world, that

means you might be the liaison.

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You might even be the owner making

those types of decisions, and you

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have to understand when it's okay and

acceptable to say it in front of a

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group of people, or when it needs to

be discussed in more meetings, or even

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more conversations through written

messaging, but even then, for my people

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that are in the workforce, they are

reporting to a supervisor or manager.

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You have to gauge when that messaging

is okay, and when it might not be okay.

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You have to learn that sometimes

some things might be acceptable, and

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sometimes not acceptable, so finding

that right balance can be very tough,

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and if you don't feel aligned with what

they have to say, explain what your

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concerns are, and have a game plan.

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Maybe, just maybe, they might align with

you, and want to work with you on what you

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have on your mind, and I mean to coerce

them, which I strongly encourage not

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to do, because coercing is the ultimate

"no-no", even when all things considered,

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if you can try to meet some type of back

and forth where you can have that decision

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already made in the first place that

you can walk into, that would be a great

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thing, but even if somebody is struggling

to say what they have to say, you, as

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the recipient, can encourage them, accept

them for what they have on their mind.

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It means that you have to

create a culture of acceptance.

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You have to create that relationship

of trust, and for some people,

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that can be very hard to do.

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I know for me personally, it's been

very hard to create those kinds

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of relationships, because it means

that I have to open up a side of

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myself that I normally don't open.

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It means that I have to reflect on

what it is that I'm trying to achieve

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ultimately, but also know that

some people are not two faced, or

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very mean about what I have to say.

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Usually in my catastrophizing, which is

essentially the art of already setting

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yourself up for failure through a

variety of different things that might

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be from past perspectives, or other

evaluations or resources that you have

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received that indicate otherwise, you

have to learn to not do that, and learn

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how to trust yourself, to create that

perspective in which it allows you to

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learn, and how to grow, in a variety of

ways that sometimes you can verbalize to

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somebody else,, especially if you know

that you can trust them, no matter what.

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Some of my own problems have included

not only what I thought of my bosses,

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and what they thought of me, in terms

of what my perception of it was, but

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also about all the things that we can

effectively change, because I felt

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like I had no voice to change it.

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I felt like I had nothing to give.

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That's what led, ultimately, to

a lot of the problems that I'm

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still even struggling with to

this day, but continuously work

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on, because it's not perfect.

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It means that we have to be able to

be flexible in the changes in the

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direction that we're leading into.

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The important things that we

have to learn, even when it means

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sharing what is on our heart and

sharing those perspectives, means

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that we have to give people grace.

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We are all human, and by the end of this

episode, I hope that you acknowledge

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that you're human to be able to share

your story, even if it is something that

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might be a little bit hard to share in

the first place, because the best way

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to make sure that you're creating that

context for others is by accepting for

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yourself that you have to give value.

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That value is what creates the

foundation for all the things that

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we're even talking about today.

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It's okay if this goes wrong, I

know that I can do better next time.

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It's all about continuous

improvement and process refinement.

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I wasn't the best person when I stood

up in front of a room talking about

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an impromptu topic in Toastmasters.

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I also wasn't the very best when

it came to my speaking ability.

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I would always look in the corner of

the room, not making eye contact with

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my audience, and being afraid to being

able to share what I had on my heart

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and what my audience, I believed,

needed to hear in terms of messaging.

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One of the best ways in which we can

create this is just by practicing.

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Practicing can create many different

types of avenues for us in our lives,

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whether it is overcoming some of the

challenges that we have at our work

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or even some of the relationships

that we need to build with others.

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One of the best things that we

can do to help us is to role play.

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Figure out what kinds of situations

might be occurring, and working with

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someone that we extremely trust to give

us feedback, to help push us to have that

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context to create the direction that we

ultimately want to achieve, and then we're

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able to see where we can improve, because

even if we have to pause and think about

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what we have to say, it's always important

for us to learn from our mistakes, and

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that is the catalyst that we should always

stand by when it comes to starting out

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in this grand adventure that we call

life, and that we continuously evolve in

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throughout the rest of our lives, even

if we have to ask someone to hear us out.

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I know that a lot of this is very general,

broad strokes of what it means to be

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heard out, and your situation might

not even have been covered in what I

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had to share as general tips today, but

the most important thing to consider is

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that if you realize that you have this

ability to work on yourself, and you're

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willing to put that effort in to change

that perspective, you can be heard out.

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Your bosses, your leadership, your

significant other, your friends, your

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family, regardless of who those people

are, and what circumstances present

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themselves, all you have to do is keep

a level, cool head, know that sometimes

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people will shake, rattle, and roll us,

but we also have to stay true to what

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we ultimately want to provide to them.

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Keeping our composure might be one of

the biggest challenges for any of us,

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and I highly encourage you to practice

some of those trigger words, and how

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you can respond differently, because

once you understand what those trigger

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words are that push you aside, you know

how to then best respond in a different

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way; an extremely different challenging

perspective that allows you to create

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all the considerations that you might

have for the parties that are involved.

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Even if you just want to simply

be heard, just start trying today.

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Don't limit yourself to the potential

possibilities that you can face, or even

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create for that matter, that helps you to

be heard, that helps you to be effective

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in all the additional minutes, hours,

days, months, or years that you have been

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wasting, because if you haven't started

this kind of conversation, if you haven't

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stopped someone in the hallway or in your

house, and say, "Hear me out for a few

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moments.", maybe this is the time to start

today, because you do have an important

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voice, and that voice should be heard.

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In this ever changing world that I

always have described, that world

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is changing for you, if you're

willing to work on yourself.

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Work on the things that need to be worked

on in terms of not only the communication

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style that you're presenting, whether it's

through written form or even verbal, but

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it also means that the words that might

escape you can come back to you if you're

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just willing to give yourself the grace

and opportunity to share it, because you

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have such a sweet, sounding voice, maybe

not as sweet sounding like mine, but I

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will have to say that even with all the

things that are going on in our lives,

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if we're willing to give ourselves just

a few moments to have that patience to

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be heard, that, in itself, as the late,

great Dale Carnegie would say, is the

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sweetest language that we ever wanted

to hear, even if it's our own name, and

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even if it slips our mind, don't worry.

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There's always another time.

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There's always another try, because as

long as you believe in yourself, If you

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believe in what you have to say, if you

believe in the messaging that you're

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conveying, not only will your audience

feel more appreciative, not only will you

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have more confidence, but I think that

you'll be more determined going forward

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to resolving some of the things that

you've been holding back on for so long.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 159 of Speaking From the

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

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The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

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services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

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See you next time.