Welcome to Roadmap to Joy!
In the first episode of our mental health podcast, Rob Gent, Chief Clinical Officer of Embark Behavioral Health, and Alex Stavros, Chief Executive Officer of Embark Behavioral Health, discuss the youth mental health crisis and the importance of secure family relationships. They also give advice for parents about how to talk to their children about tragic events, such as school shootings.
Be sure to subscribe to stay informed and find new ways to support the teen or young adult in your life on future episodes of Roadmap to Joy.
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Host Bios:
Rob Gent, M.A. LPC, is the Chief Clinical Officer and one of the founding members of Embark Behavioral Health. Rob has been with the company for 15 years and has led the Embark organization in clinical development and growth of numerous programs. He is the lead developer of the proprietary CASA Developmental Framework, which is pervasive throughout Embark’s programs.
Through his dedication to advancing clinical development, practice, and research, he has become a nationally recognized expert in the field. His specialization in clinical development is enhanced by his therapeutic expertise and has yielded such accomplishments as the development of; The CASA Developmental Framework, Vive Family Intensive Program, Calo Preteens, Canine Attachment Therapy-Transferable Attachment Program, and other specialized programs.
Rob’s dedication has led him to pursue his Ph.D in Psychology with an emphasis on development and attachment. He remains passionate about neurological, psychological, and physiological development and continues to focus on advancing research and the effectiveness of therapeutic interventions.
He resides in Tempe, Arizona, with his wife and two boys.
Alex Stavros, grew up in Peru working, playing and living alongside the troubled youth and desolate orphans of Lima’s slums. Alex’s childhood shaped his professional and personal aspirations. Prior to joining InnerChange Programs, Alex lived in California and was the Managing Partner of an investment fund, which he founded, focused on acquiring and leading mission-driven businesses.
Prior to Lia Capital, Alex lived in Boston and was the Associate Director of Firm-Wide Operations – working directly for the President and COO – of Cambridge Associates, the world’s largest global investment advisory firm to not for profit organizations. Alex also has experience in public service having worked at the Overseas Private Investment Corporation, a U.S. government agency that mobilizes private capital to help solve critical, global social and poverty challenges. And he worked on the Capitol Hill in Washington DC for a Minnesota Congressman. Alex has also earned a Certificate of Public Management from Stanford University. And, while at Stanford, was a Rising Fellow at the Hoover Institution, a world-renowned public policy think tank.
Alex loves the ocean and is a certified open water diver. He has served as a Board Fellow at one of the most enchanting Aquariums in the world, California’s Monterey Bay Aquarium. Alex spends his free time reading up on foreign affairs and international politics. Alex graduated with Honors from American University with both an Economic Theory and International Relations degree and he earned an MBA from Stanford’s Graduate School of Business. Alex is on the Board of Peruvian Partners, a nonprofit established to connect North Americans in a real and significant way with Peruvian families that live in abject poverty.
Alex lives in Phoenix, Arizona and is happily married to his wife, Maria-Paz, who has the most important job in the world, raising their two beautiful children.
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Hi, welcome. Welcome to Embark's first podcast of the
Rob Gent:Roadmap to Joy. I'm Rob Gent, the Chief Clinical Officer of
Rob Gent:Embark, here with Alex Stavros. Welcome, Alex.
Alex Stavros:Thanks, Rob.,excited to have this
Alex Stavros:conversation.
Rob Gent:Yeah, me too, it'd be really fun to engage in a
Rob Gent:dialogue. And the point is, to what? Boy, to bring relevant
Rob Gent:topics, mental health topics, all kinds of health issues, to
Rob Gent:really be able to shine some light on how do we treat mental
Rob Gent:health? How do we increase mental health? How do we address
Rob Gent:the current societal issues, and bring guests on, we're going to
Rob Gent:be creating all kinds of conversations, to be able to be
Rob Gent:as helpful as as we possibly can. So I'm super glad to be
Rob Gent:here.
Alex Stavros:Yeah, me too.
Alex Stavros:Kids are over, and they're trying to keep it together.
Alex Stavros:Because it's just so much society's telling you to keep it
Alex Stavros:together. And it's all this is the stress and anxiety. This is
Alex Stavros:compounding and building on it, you know, surprising statistics.
Alex Stavros:Over the last two years, one in four teenagers contemplated
Alex Stavros:suicide. And I would assume that the vast majority of parents,
Alex Stavros:not one out of five, less than one out of five, would say that
Alex Stavros:there's a good chance that was their kid, the majority would
Alex Stavros:say there's no chance that's my kid. We don't understand the
Alex Stavros:amount of stress and pressure that's building on our kids.
Alex Stavros:It's building on our teenagers. And we're not set up because
Alex Stavros:we're being overwhelmed with similar information, to be able
Alex Stavros:to attune with them at a level that is necessary to deal with
Alex Stavros:this compounding of stress and anxiety, which then just ends up
Alex Stavros:blowing up. And then we're in crisis mode.
Alex Stavros:And then what happens is,
Alex Stavros:now I have no idea what no idea what to do. The simple question
Alex Stavros:often can be, how do I share this event with my kid? The
Alex Stavros:hardest question is what do I do now that that event and all the
Alex Stavros:other compounded, create this big blow up in this big crisis?
Alex Stavros:And I have no idea where to get help? I don't know anybody else
Alex Stavros:who is dealing with this because everybody else is keeping it
Alex Stavros:under wraps. So this youth mental health crisis is this
Alex Stavros:quiet epidemic spreading a lot of times just because this this,
Alex Stavros:this information flow this news flow, this social media that is
Alex Stavros:compounding that stress that you're talking about, with the
Alex Stavros:kids. Pressure to be active to participate in a lot of
Alex Stavros:activities to perform. All the kids know what, what schools
Alex Stavros:their peers got into for college, and they all know the
Alex Stavros:rankings and it's information overload everywhere. And the
Alex Stavros:parents know that too. And they know that the next door neighbor
Alex Stavros:is,
Rob Gent:But it's really hard because we don't want to vilify
Rob Gent:that stuff.
Alex Stavros:Uh huh.
Rob Gent:That's That's what stuff though, right? Getting
Rob Gent:into a great school, doing all the soccer, all that stuff, the
Rob Gent:social medias. To swing the other way and to vilify it isn't
Rob Gent:the solution.
Alex Stavros:Yeah, right.
Rob Gent:Right. So it feels a little bit overwhelming. Even
Rob Gent:for the parents.
Alex Stavros:Hey, even I'm the CEO of a youth mental health
Alex Stavros:company, and it's overwhelming for me.
Rob Gent:Feeling overwhelmed, too?
Alex Stavros:Yeah, it's like if anybody should have the answer
Alex Stavros:should be you and me. But we should feel comfortable. We're
Alex Stavros:like, Hey, we got it. So it really tells you what, what's
Alex Stavros:going on out there. And how difficult this is.
Rob Gent:It's so difficult. So I like this statistic. I just
Rob Gent:got this one in three high school students experience
Rob Gent:persistent feelings of sadness, or hopelessness. And that is a
Rob Gent:40% increase since 2009. So we're seeing exponential
Rob Gent:increases of anxiety, depression, sadness,
Rob Gent:hopelessness. And it's hard because like, the, the numbers
Rob Gent:are staggering. I mean, I could go through a list of things 5.8
Rob Gent:million diagnosed with anxiety. 5.5 million diagnosed with
Rob Gent:behavioral problems. 2.7 This is just in the US diagnosed with
Rob Gent:depression. I thought this was fascinating too approximately
Rob Gent:75% diagnosed with the depression also meet criteria
Rob Gent:for anxiety, meaning what? These things go together, right?
Rob Gent:You're not just having anxiety, here comes this school shooting.
Rob Gent:We're already in a fragile state. But we're so susceptible
Rob Gent:now to a whole series where it just gets it gets compounded the
Rob Gent:amount of emotional distress we wonder why suicidality, suicide
Rob Gent:sort of "ending my life" thoughts are happening.
Rob Gent:I can actually have a tremendous amount of empathy for everybody.
Alex Stavros:The what the trigger in my mind is when
Alex Stavros:something like this happens, it's a reminder for us to go
Alex Stavros:home and hold our four year old and play with them on the
Alex Stavros:ground. Don't tell them the current events.
Rob Gent:Because what does the playing do?
Alex Stavros:The playing connects with an adult that
Alex Stavros:shows that relationships can be safe, shows that you are valued,
Alex Stavros:develops a sense of self for the child develops their brain in a
Alex Stavros:way that interacts with another human being in productive and
Alex Stavros:healthy ways, sets that secure base. And when these events
Alex Stavros:happen, and we ask ourselves as parents, now what do I do, I
Alex Stavros:gotta go home and tell my kid about this. That's about
Alex Stavros:cognitively that we were just talking about an incident. When
Alex Stavros:we talk about how that is just one of hundreds of things these
Alex Stavros:kids are dealing with, that needs to be a reminder for us to
Alex Stavros:go home and be present, connect, don't go home and figure out a
Alex Stavros:way to tell them a stressful story better, go home and figure
Alex Stavros:out a way to give them experiences of safety and
Alex Stavros:unconditional acceptance.
Rob Gent:Well, it's interesting, because I've gotten
Rob Gent:the question, how much detail do I give my child?
Alex Stavros:Yeah.
Rob Gent:That goes on.
Alex Stavros:Yeah.
Rob Gent:And what are you saying?
Alex Stavros:It's not
Unknown:about the detail, right? Yeah, no details better
Unknown:probably. And given them more detail, like we know, just even
Unknown:adult relationships doesn't calm
Alex Stavros:stress.
Rob Gent:So in some ways, it's more about as a parent, it's
Rob Gent:hard to make that shift to say, gosh, maybe I have this guilt or
Rob Gent:something that I need to get ahead of the story.
Alex Stavros:Yeah
Rob Gent:To be able to tell my kids rather than shifting into
Rob Gent:this really relational mindset that if I get home from work,
Rob Gent:it's actually more developmentally valuable to hold
Rob Gent:them close, give me some eye contact, let me provide some
Rob Gent:safe touch. Let me utilize some compassion and empathy to really
Rob Gent:ground the child and wow, just even touching them communicates
Rob Gent:it gives them a physiological neurological experience that I'm
Rob Gent:inherently valuable.
Alex Stavros:Yeah.
Rob Gent:I'm inherently valuable.
Alex Stavros:Yep.
Rob Gent:And then I can actually go out I like to term
Rob Gent:secure base and the attachment world we always talk about
Rob Gent:secure base, right. Because secure base is about
Unknown:what launching off from going off from Yeah.
Rob Gent:And then you go out until you experience the world
Rob Gent:and potentials for shame and hurt come up. And then you
Rob Gent:return to the secure base.
Alex Stavros:A secure base gives you the context through
Alex Stavros:which you can engage how difficult the world is. And at
Alex Stavros:this age, developmentally, they aren't from a brain perspective,
Alex Stavros:from a nervous perspective, able to do it. So we as parents can't
Alex Stavros:just give them more information, we have to continue to build the
Alex Stavros:base. And as we build the base and build the base, that once
Alex Stavros:they're off on their own, and an awful event happens, they're
Alex Stavros:subconsciously going to be able to go back to a base and
Alex Stavros:interpret that extent, event and experience in a way that doesn't
Alex Stavros:overwhelm them unproductively. They can impact them
Alex Stavros:emotionally. They can connect with it empathetically and
Alex Stavros:compassionately that ends it, but it doesn't need to overwhelm
Alex Stavros:them emotionally in a way that is unproductive. But that can
Alex Stavros:only happen if if we're able to create that base. And that's not
Alex Stavros:through information early on in life.
Rob Gent:Well I'd appreciate that Alex and I, if I'm, if
Rob Gent:we're, as we're discussing that it's helpful to articulate the
Rob Gent:secure base is the Genesis it's really where the formation of
Rob Gent:this sense of worth and value happens. And it takes root.
Rob Gent:Right. And I always like to talk about when we have this sense of
Rob Gent:self that taken root that is actually what allows us to have
Rob Gent:resiliency. That's where resiliency comes from.
Alex Stavros:Yeah, grit. Yep.
Rob Gent:So the secure base develops this sense of what I
Rob Gent:would call neurobiological worth, where we have resiliency,
Rob Gent:and we can go out and experience anything. I wonder your thoughts
Rob Gent:on I know, for us, we're seeing an increase of anxiety,
Rob Gent:depression, distress, all kinds of mental health issues.
Rob Gent:Expanding. So we're seeing high school adolescents, young
Rob Gent:adults, parents. Any thoughts about this sense of well, is
Rob Gent:secure base only about zero to seven, or a secure base really
Rob Gent:about in our society, maybe there's an opportunity to really
Rob Gent:reinforce the secure base throughout the lifespan?
Alex Stavros:If we think about the brain being malleable is
Alex Stavros:our sense of self or identity, our nervous system, our brain is
Alex Stavros:malleable. And what influences all that development the most is
Alex Stavros:human relationship. Life world is all about relationship. And
Alex Stavros:so we really need to keep that and when we talked about early
Alex Stavros:on the zero to seven it's all about relationship. So
Alex Stavros:continuing to those zero to 7 likely would be the most
Alex Stavros:important when we're most malleable and most vulnerable,
Alex Stavros:those early years that the priority of building that base
Alex Stavros:or laying those bricks on that secure base,
Alex Stavros:never ends, right?
Rob Gent:No, it doesn't. I was talking about, we're always
Rob Gent:should be focused on developing the secure base throughout the
Rob Gent:lifespan, what it transitions hopefully from our parents, when
Rob Gent:we're children, then we learn how to transition the attachment
Rob Gent:security and secure base to peers. And then eventually we
Rob Gent:have romantic relationships. And those turned into what those are
Rob Gent:really interesting in adulthood, because we're actually switching
Rob Gent:off being the caregiver and the caregiver. I mean, think about
Rob Gent:your wife, is there times that you're really struggling and
Rob Gent:your lid might flip and you're emotionally exposed. And she's
Rob Gent:there to nurture you. And then you guys switch off these roles.
Alex Stavros:Yeah.
Rob Gent:So my question is, you brought up the term
Rob Gent:vulnerability, I find this a very fascinating word because
Rob Gent:some people see it as [gasps] vulnerability means you have
Rob Gent:you're susceptible. You have a chink in your armor, where I'm
Rob Gent:hearing you using a term of its value.
Alex Stavros:Yeah.
Rob Gent:Maybe talk a little bit about what is your
Rob Gent:understanding of vulnerability.
Unknown:I think as an adult, it's a little broader. And I
Unknown:might, you know, define it as the process of becoming
Unknown:emotionally whole, The process of becoming emotionally whole.
Unknown:So if we think about what is emotionally whole, it means that
Unknown:we don't judge the feelings, the emotions we have. And we work
Unknown:hard to be attuned to those and how we impact others with those.
Unknown:And vulnerability comes into play. When we share that process
Unknown:with others. We invite others into that process of us becoming
Unknown:emotionally whole. And emotionally whole does not mean
Unknown:that I this is me with all my good parts everywhere. That
Unknown:means that the good parts and the bad parts and the scary
Unknown:parts and the fun parts are all part of a whole. We don't make
Unknown:it a whole. It's fragmented. In often, what happens when we're
Unknown:not vulnerable, is those parts that we don't like this part of
Unknown:the fragments, we put them somewhere else,
Alex Stavros:we don't share them, we're not vulnerable.
Alex Stavros:And so for kids can be vulnerable, but not vulnerable,
Alex Stavros:and the entire sense of the word because they don't have the
Alex Stavros:ability to share all of their different parts or explore their
Alex Stavros:different parts. But as we become adults, we can start to
Alex Stavros:explore all the different parts, not judge them, accept all of
Alex Stavros:them, and start to expose them and present them to others. And
Alex Stavros:the process we're going through is that is the process of
Alex Stavros:vulnerability, sharing vulnerability.
Rob Gent:Because what is vulnerability, safe
Rob Gent:vulnerability and relationship produce? Certainly the research
Rob Gent:developmental research, when we look at this says that that
Rob Gent:ability to experience safety, and then to be I would exchange
Rob Gent:a term vulnerability as being fully known. I guess that's what
Rob Gent:you're seeing in a whole sense. Yeah, this whole sense of that
Rob Gent:I'm fully known. I'm unconditionally accepted. I have
Rob Gent:inherent value, experiencing experiencing, not talking,
Rob Gent:experiencing vulnerability, grounds me in this sense of
Rob Gent:self, actually, by engaging in safe vulnerability, it
Rob Gent:reinforces that I'm inherently valuable. And that resolves
Rob Gent:shame.
Alex Stavros:Yep.
Rob Gent:It actually helps to be a protective factor against
Rob Gent:shame. And when we do experience that, because I wonder, I mean,
Rob Gent:it's, I wonder I'm curious, but I do know some of this is that
Rob Gent:those who lack like the friendship, the male friendships
Rob Gent:you talk about, are these safe, vulnerable relationships, what
Rob Gent:happens?
Rob Gent:We really struggle with insecurities. We struggle with
Rob Gent:this sense of self.
Alex Stavros:I think a lot of parents when they're thinking
Alex Stavros:about their kids, they want to be better parents. And what's
Alex Stavros:difficult often is that when our kids struggle, we internalize
Alex Stavros:that is our fault. And then that creates shame. And that creates
Alex Stavros:anxiety, which just kind of creates this cycle of
Alex Stavros:enmeshment. And a lot of it has to do because we haven't done
Alex Stavros:our own work as parents or we aren't doing our own work. We're
Alex Stavros:never going to end. But where do parents have a place? Either a
Alex Stavros:couple, husband, parent, wife is where's your place for where
Alex Stavros:you're doing your work so you can be and show up as best as
Alex Stavros:you can? So that when that event happens when that awful current
Alex Stavros:event happens and your kids find out about it, and you need to be
Alex Stavros:there for them and present. You can't just show up after work
Alex Stavros:you have to have done your have, you have to be on your own
Alex Stavros:journey
Alex Stavros:so that there can be
Alex Stavros:where you and and where your kid begins and some good boundaries.
Alex Stavros:And that could create a healthier relationship, where I
Alex Stavros:think that's a lot of where parents are struggling right now
Alex Stavros:is where do I even start to do that, and, and, then, because if
Alex Stavros:we do that work, and we know we're doing our best, it's not
Alex Stavros:maybe going to be good enough, but we know we're doing our
Alex Stavros:best. When something goes wrong with our kid, we don't
Alex Stavros:necessarily have to blame ourselves. It's not necessarily
Alex Stavros:productive to blame ourselves, we want to do and that doesn't
Alex Stavros:necessarily accomplish anything by blame, starting to blame, we
Alex Stavros:want to focus on is that relationship. And so parents, I
Alex Stavros:think, are struggling to say when that crisis happens with my
Alex Stavros:kid. And, and I have shame around, and I don't want to tell
Alex Stavros:other people about it. And I don't know where to get
Alex Stavros:information, I don't know what to do about it. There's a lot of
Alex Stavros:what we're trying to talk about in this podcast, and what Embark
Alex Stavros:is trying to do in terms of Lower, lower the stigma and the
Alex Stavros:stigma, create more awareness and equip and empower and
Rob Gent:Because just in us having a dialogue today, we've
Rob Gent:talked about a lot of stuff. The purpose is to give some real,
Rob Gent:relevant information to talk about these concepts. I think
Rob Gent:one of them is to really have a sense of empathy to we talk
Rob Gent:about this blame, I like your point about, it's hard for
Rob Gent:parents to have compassion for themselves, right? I mean, we
Rob Gent:blame ourselves and where have I gone wrong. And then I brought
Rob Gent:up the concept of external validation in a way that it's
Rob Gent:just bringing it up aware that it's easy sometimes when we're
Rob Gent:feeling not great about ourselves, or we're stressed out
Rob Gent:for the day, to kind of bury ourselves in the cell phone and
Rob Gent:how many likes in the Facebook and stuff and not to vilify
Rob Gent:that, but it's lots of times that's easy to escape somewhere
Rob Gent:else. And see, like, oh, well, this might make me feel better
Rob Gent:for a little bit. And I would call that the term happiness
Rob Gent:versus true joy, that oftentimes, we, it's easy, and I
Rob Gent:think we do this as human beings, right? Like, the
Rob Gent:shootings are stressful, I my work is stressful, the demands,
Rob Gent:everything is so stressful. It's like, Ah, this is really, this
Rob Gent:is a tough place to live, right? And then I'm hurting. And then
Rob Gent:of course, substance. I mean, we're fully aware of the
Rob Gent:statistics of all this avoidant behavior, right? Substance use,
Rob Gent:to sexual stuff to, I mean, all of that screams what? I just
Rob Gent:want to break I don't I don't, I'm not taking any sort of
Rob Gent:meaning there's no value in going through suffering. So
Rob Gent:maybe touch a little about how would you differentiate
Rob Gent:happiness versus joy that we're talking about?
Alex Stavros:Yeah, that's, you know, we are the title of the
Alex Stavros:podcast is the Roadmap to Joy. And, you know, I
Unknown:think that the, all those behaviors you mentioned,
Unknown:they're, you know, they're coping mechanisms, going back to
Unknown:this idea of being emotionally whole. Good friend, Andy Mauer
Unknown:really spends a lot of time talking about this, this concept
Unknown:and, and in, in our pursuit of not being whole, we have we
Unknown:develop all these other things. Because we're trying to suppress
Unknown:these feelings and emotions. And the reason we do that is because
Unknown:we judge them. We judge when something happens and goes wrong
Unknown:with our kids, we blame, we complain, we judge, and we'll
Unknown:judge ourselves and then we feel something we judge that versus
Unknown:accept. And what a lot of our world has done over the years is
Unknown:created the sense that
Alex Stavros:the purpose of life is
Unknown:the single minded individual pursuit of happiness
Unknown:at all costs, because you deserve to be happy. And you
Unknown:should do whatever you want to do and should do to be happy.
Unknown:This is the message that will be given for being given all the
Unknown:time. And so we're constantly judging things.
Rob Gent:Is there something wrong with happiness?
Alex Stavros:There isn't anything necessarily wrong with
Alex Stavros:happiness is
Rob Gent:I want
Rob Gent:my kids to be happy. I hear that all the time. Yeah. Oh, I just
Rob Gent:want my kid to be happy.
Alex Stavros:I think a lot of parents would say that. That is
Alex Stavros:their number one role as a parent
Rob Gent:is to make the get their kids to experience
Rob Gent:happiness.
Alex Stavros:As long as my kid is happy. Guess what?
Rob Gent:I'm gonna happy?
Alex Stavros:I'm gonna be happy.
Rob Gent:I did a good job.
Alex Stavros:Yeah, it's that's that's been if they're not
Alex Stavros:happy, I'm not happy. What what does that cause? What happens if
Alex Stavros:you're 10 and you're not happy? And I'm your 42 year old dad.
Alex Stavros:And now I'm not happy because you're not happy. So you
Alex Stavros:determine my happiness and my emotions right? What happens to
Alex Stavros:you as a kid as a 10 year old? What is going to go on in your
Alex Stavros:brain in your
Alex Stavros:in your nervous system and what is the impact of that?
Rob Gent:You're certainly reducing resiliency, you're
Rob Gent:certainly reducing capacity to endure. Resiliency is the word
Rob Gent:you become more fragile, right? And then Happiness becomes more,
Rob Gent:it becomes this fleeting thing that we seek at all cost.
Rob Gent:Because that's our salvation, right? Like that's, that's it,
Rob Gent:that's the message.
Alex Stavros:That's the goal is
Alex Stavros:if the goal is the individual pursuit of happiness, studies
Alex Stavros:show that the more you pursue happiness, the more elusive it
Alex Stavros:becomes.
Rob Gent:And the more anxious I get, the more depressed I get,
Alex Stavros:When I don't have it, it's a big problem. And if I
Alex Stavros:don't have it, either, it's your fault. Or there's something
Alex Stavros:wrong with me. So I'm blaming regardless, I'm not empowered,
Alex Stavros:I'm now more of a victim of the situation. Either it's my fault,
Alex Stavros:and something's wrong with me, or it's other people's fault
Alex Stavros:that have prevented me from being happy.
Rob Gent:So what's more enduring?
Alex Stavros:So the challenge is, I think going back to
Alex Stavros:acceptance, and if we can get to a place where we're focused on
Alex Stavros:purpose, more focused on meaning, versus happiness, that
Alex Stavros:life is more about finding purpose and meaning and life
Alex Stavros:versus being happy. And we can start to realize that you can
Alex Stavros:experience purpose and meaning in a variety of different
Alex Stavros:situations. And in fact, some of the most purposeful and
Alex Stavros:meaningful times are when we're in deep pain, and experiencing
Alex Stavros:extreme suffering, that we would not wish on anybody. But it
Alex Stavros:feels we are most connected with this deep sense of why we exist
Alex Stavros:in that moment.
Alex Stavros:So why would we avoid that?
Alex Stavros:So how do we get into that place more is going to be product
Alex Stavros:question is to say, how do we create joy? How do we focus more
Alex Stavros:on joy?
Rob Gent:Because what because what is -- I like what you're
Rob Gent:saying,
Alex Stavros:Yeah.
Rob Gent:Define joy for me, because,
Alex Stavros:Yeah
Rob Gent:H elped me conceptualize, what is, how does
Rob Gent:joy really a definitionally? Differentiate from happy?
Alex Stavros:Yeah,
Alex Stavros:so happiness is a feeling an emotion, that it's that is
Alex Stavros:fleeting, because based on circumstances, if things happen
Alex Stavros:to go, Well, I am going to be happy. If things happen to not
Alex Stavros:go, Well, I'm going to be unhappy.
Rob Gent:But you're a victim of circumstances.
Alex Stavros:It's based on circumstances. And therefore if
Alex Stavros:my focus is happiness, I'm going to be focused on trying to
Alex Stavros:change my circumstances, versus accepting my circumstance and
Alex Stavros:figuring out how to respond to that circumstance in a way that
Alex Stavros:reinforces why I exist, what my sense of purpose is, my values
Alex Stavros:and my sense of meaning. And I can't approach that situation or
Alex Stavros:that problem, that circumstance that may be a negative one that
Alex Stavros:wouldn't create happiness, in a way that judges that blames I
Alex Stavros:can only respond in a way that reinforces purpose and meaning
Alex Stavros:if I approach it from a place of gratitude, and humility.
Rob Gent:But that requires something,
Alex Stavros:It requires a secure base. It requires a
Alex Stavros:secure base, a sense of self.
Rob Gent:Or gratitude, humility, regret, remorse,
Rob Gent:guilt, there's a few things that actually, that help us function
Rob Gent:in life and relationships that require this sense of self.
Rob Gent:Yeah, what about meaning and suffering? I guess? Can you find
Rob Gent:meaning and suffering? If you don't have that secure base and
Rob Gent:that sense of self?
Alex Stavros:I think
Alex Stavros:it's about a mindset. First, it's, its experience. Second, if
Alex Stavros:we can, if we can shift our mindset, so much about identity
Alex Stavros:is, or accomplishing things is about telling us that we are
Alex Stavros:something and that we can be something and that we will
Alex Stavros:accomplish something that sets the path for us to accomplishing
Alex Stavros:and becoming something different. So for example, will
Alex Stavros:often with with alcohol or with smoking cigarettes,
Alex Stavros:is when we say,
Alex Stavros:No, I don't drink I'm an alcoholic. That's an identity
Alex Stavros:that we've created
Alex Stavros:for ourselves. Or
Alex Stavros:if we say, I don't smoke anymore, what is your language
Alex Stavros:for I don't smoke anymore means that you're a smoker, but you
Alex Stavros:don't smoke anymore. Our language matters. And so as we
Alex Stavros:start to change our language, as we start to change the way we
Alex Stavros:dress, as we start to change the way the places we go, as we
Alex Stavros:change who we hang out with, that starts to create new
Alex Stavros:experiences, a new mindset, a new perspective, and then we
Alex Stavros:want to create experiences to say, if you have a mindset that
Alex Stavros:there is purpose in meaning, and there can be purpose in me and
Alex Stavros:suffering. Let's believe that and let's not avoid suffering at
Alex Stavros:all costs when there is suffering, let's lean into it,
Alex Stavros:experience the fullness of it. Connect with that pain, with the
Alex Stavros:difficulty of it, don't rush to try to figure out why did I
Alex Stavros:experience that suffering, it must be for something else that
Alex Stavros:I want to do. Because it will come in due time, but we don't
Alex Stavros:judge. We don't we don't judge that moment, we focus on that
Alex Stavros:experience in that moment, we're likely going to be more
Alex Stavros:connected with the people around us than we were before.
Rob Gent:But Alex, I'm so appreciative of what you're
Rob Gent:saying, because I can't help but think about the book is on your
Rob Gent:desk. And it's on my desk, The Book of Joy by Archbishop
Rob Gent:Desmond Tutu, and the Dalai Lama. I know when reading that
Rob Gent:book you and I have certainly, it was so amazing to read that
Rob Gent:joy is made up of this interesting balance that there
Rob Gent:there is this has to be this balance of suffering, in order
Rob Gent:to be able to then experience joy. Without pain and suffering,
Rob Gent:we actually don't know the flip side. Yeah, and happiness is
Rob Gent:just one side of this proverbial coin that we don't get the
Rob Gent:fullness. So I always liken it to looking at Mother Teresa,
Rob Gent:we're not that we're all going to be to Mother Teresa is but
Rob Gent:why does she did she choose to go into Calcutta and serve the
Rob Gent:impoverished sense of that she got joy out of that some real
Rob Gent:meaning and purpose in the suffering?
Alex Stavros:Yeah, put it putting ourself it putting
Alex Stavros:ourselves in situations where
Alex Stavros:we can experience hardship,
Alex Stavros:is struggle is important. And we need to do that from an
Alex Stavros:emotional perspective, we need to do that from an intellectual
Alex Stavros:perspective, put ourselves in the growth growth zone, where
Alex Stavros:we're slightly uncomfortable, where we're slightly stressed,
Alex Stavros:stressed. And that helps us grow. And that's going to put us
Alex Stavros:closer to circumstances that might create some pain and
Alex Stavros:suffering. Or just go into places where we see it.
Alex Stavros:Sometimes people don't even want to go see somebody else
Alex Stavros:experienced pain and suffering. If we expose ourselves to that.
Alex Stavros:It's another reason why when we have parents whose kids are
Alex Stavros:struggling, it actually is an opportunity. The goal isn't
Alex Stavros:happiness, the white picket fence, the Disneyland family.
Alex Stavros:And that situation you're in right now may be as good as it
Alex Stavros:gets.
Alex Stavros:That may be as good as it gets.
Alex Stavros:And if we change our mindset, say if this is good as it gets,
Alex Stavros:how would I engage differently in this relationship? How would
Alex Stavros:I be present? How would I find meaning and purpose in that may
Alex Stavros:be a lot different than saying that my family isn't the white
Alex Stavros:picket fence family that that the magazine's told me I was
Alex Stavros:supposed to have? We get to engage in this process of
Alex Stavros:creating joy in a much different way. And so families then when
Alex Stavros:they when they get to these situations where there is
Alex Stavros:stress, there is anxiety, there is a crisis, they don't
Alex Stavros:immediately judge it, they find opportunities to find purpose
Alex Stavros:and meaning. And then it's going to be okay. And this is normal.
Alex Stavros:It's okay to feel stress, it's okay to be anxious, it's okay to
Alex Stavros:be have shame and be depressed. All of these emotions are normal
Alex Stavros:and okay and valid versus, and we can withstand them, we can
Alex Stavros:handle them. Because if we make them okay, and we can feel them
Alex Stavros:and have them, then I can live with them. But if
Alex Stavros:they're not okay. And I can't live with them, what's going to
Alex Stavros:happen at the end of the day, if they don't go away? I have to do
Alex Stavros:something to make them stop.
Rob Gent:So when you're describing this done such a
Rob Gent:great job of describing I think it's important to highlight that
Rob Gent:it's really explaining and accentuating why we've entitled
Rob Gent:the podcast, Roadmap to Joy, rather than Roadmap to Happiness
Rob Gent:or Roadmap to Avoiding Suffering. Yeah, we just didn't,
Rob Gent:we didn't say it that right. The Roadmap to Joy was very
Rob Gent:intentional, because of our understanding of joy. And how
Rob Gent:even the people listening to this podcast, and hopefully they
Rob Gent:will, you know, attend all the ones we do. It's really about
Rob Gent:creating this capacity that we make purpose in life much more
Rob Gent:meaningful. It's just not let's help you out with your mental
Rob Gent:health, let's just reduce anxiety. It's much more
Rob Gent:enduring, and it drives actually. This connection, this
Rob Gent:meaning and purpose that comes from our relationship. That's
Rob Gent:what our focus is.
Alex Stavros:Yeah, a way of being. So who are you most
Alex Stavros:excited about having on what kind of topics are excited
Alex Stavros:about?
Rob Gent:Boy, great question. We're going to have lots of
Rob Gent:people on I think it's important to talk about this process of
Rob Gent:joy is more holistic, right you can you compartmentalize it like
Rob Gent:man if I just if my work was better, I experienced joy. We're
Rob Gent:not going to compartmentalize, we are going to look at more of
Rob Gent:what I would call functional, holistic health. So I'm excited.
Rob Gent:I'm looking at my list here, we're going to be addressing a
Rob Gent:tremendous amount of issues that I think will be relevant to all
Rob Gent:kinds of family. I mean, family relationships from development,
Rob Gent:attachment, trauma, we're going to be talking about divorce,
Rob Gent:marriage, and what what are those hardships that happen
Rob Gent:within families who's not going for something like that right
Rob Gent:now? Right? Especially with all the scary school shooting? Or
Rob Gent:certainly we're going to want to address some societal issues. I
Rob Gent:think social media
Alex Stavros:Great, why didn't just idea of what what do we?
Alex Stavros:How do we create boundaries? Do you know my daughter's, you
Alex Stavros:know, 11, she's asking for a phone to give her a phone and
Alex Stavros:no, don't give her phone, but all of her classmates have a
Alex Stavros:phone. So now I have to give her a phone. Okay, now I can give
Alex Stavros:her phone? What do I give her access to? This is what parents
Alex Stavros:struggle with? And then now that she's exposed to something, how
Alex Stavros:do I handle that? And there's all these very practical topics
Alex Stavros:that parents are struggling with, I'm struggling with to
Alex Stavros:understand how to engage. There's a lot of people that
Alex Stavros:have explored, there's no, there's no exact perfect answers
Alex Stavros:to any of these. But there's a lot of great experts that can
Alex Stavros:that can help shed the light on on how to engage with these
Alex Stavros:difficult topics,
Rob Gent:Well I'm excited to have those people on and make it
Rob Gent:really helpful. I mean, I'm really excited to even talk
Rob Gent:about some things like OCD and PTSD. I mean, these are, they're
Rob Gent:growing, right? I've got written down here, neurodevelopmental
Rob Gent:issues. I mean, how am i
Rob Gent:How many of us now are aware of somebody with who has a
Rob Gent:diagnosis of autism?
Alex Stavros:Hey, it's grown exponentially
Rob Gent:Exponentially.
Alex Stavros:And why it and why is that, and there's some
Alex Stavros:theories connected also, not necessarily with kids, but
Alex Stavros:Parkinson's, also, my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's and
Alex Stavros:the rates of Parkinson's have also gone through the roof. All
Alex Stavros:of these things are interconnected in a variety of
Alex Stavros:different ways that are fascinating. And with the
Alex Stavros:knowledge, we don't need fear, and knowledge is power. And we
Alex Stavros:can accept all of it, we don't need to judge if we don't know
Alex Stavros:what the answer is, or I didn't know that, and I messed up with
Alex Stavros:my kid, if I would have known that I would have done things
Alex Stavros:differently. We seem to know that we've all messed up with
Alex Stavros:our kids, we've made 1000s of mistakes, and we will make 1000s
Alex Stavros:of mistakes.
Alex Stavros:And you're still unconditionally accepted,
Alex Stavros:which means that you were doing your best. And when I can accept
Alex Stavros:that I did my best, then that next moment that I'm with my
Alex Stavros:kid, that's going to be the best moment I can have in the best
Alex Stavros:moment. But when I'm caught up in my head about what I should
Alex Stavros:have done, how I can be better, that's me and all my stuff
Alex Stavros:getting in the way that's gonna, you know, tear down the
Alex Stavros:resiliency that we're trying to build in our kids.
Rob Gent:Alex, we've certainly run the gamut on a big wide
Rob Gent:spread of things, right?
Alex Stavros:Gosh, we could talk for hours. And I think that
Alex Stavros:family members when we're hanging out with other families,
Alex Stavros:or cocktail parties, these topics come up all the time. And
Alex Stavros:I think if I'm a mom or dad out there, if I could just be a fly
Alex Stavros:on the wall with these types of conversations. And so that's
Alex Stavros:what we're trying to create. With podcasts, you're able now
Alex Stavros:to be a fly on the wall. And we'll bring in these experts.
Alex Stavros:And you know, the topics and conversations are endless. It's
Alex Stavros:so relevant, so important to this day and age and our youth
Alex Stavros:mental health crisis. You know, teen and young adult anxiety,
Alex Stavros:depression and suicide are all time highs today. And Embark
Alex Stavros:Behavioral Health is set out on our big, hairy audacious goal to
Alex Stavros:take those rates of anxiety, depression and suicide from the
Alex Stavros:all time highs today to all time lows. And we believe that the
Alex Stavros:way to do that is to create more awareness to lower the stigma.
Alex Stavros:And that's a big part of what this podcast is all about. So
Alex Stavros:it's a great opportunity.
Rob Gent:Yeah, I think this is going to be helpful not only for
Rob Gent:the people doing it, but also for you guys, as the watchers
Rob Gent:and the listeners on this podcast. We're excited to bring
Rob Gent:you evidence based highly researched interventions and
Rob Gent:doing the research around the current topics in our society
Rob Gent:right now. So we look forward to seeing our next one. See ya