🎙️ Episode Summary

You’re trying to connect—they’re shutting down. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Either way, you end up in the same exhausting loop: one of you pursues, the other withdraws, and no one feels safe.

This episode breaks down the pursue–withdraw cycle in a way that finally makes sense. We’ll look at what’s actually happening in your nervous system when things spiral, why neither of you is “the problem,” and how to name the pattern before it takes over. If you’ve ever felt like you’re either chasing your partner or hiding from them, this one’s for you.

🧠 What We’ll Cover:

• Why protest behaviors (like texting again, pushing to talk) are actually cries for connection
• How nervous system survival responses fuel the entire cycle—on both sides
• What your body thinks it’s protecting you from (and why that matters)
• A simple way to name the pattern and interrupt the spiral before it takes over
• Why you're not too needy—or too distant—you’re just wired for protection

✨ Key Insight:

You're not overreacting—you’re protecting.

So is your partner.

But protection without awareness becomes disconnection.

🛠 Practical Takeaway:

Next time you feel the pattern kick in, try this:

“I think we’re doing that thing again.”

That one sentence can stop a 3-hour spiral before it starts.

💬 Listener Reflection:

What does your body do when closeness feels risky?

Get curious about that moment—not to judge it, but to shift it.

🔗 Related Links:

• 💡 Read the blog version of this episode
• ✉️ Join my Love & Life newsletter for weekly insights like this
• 🧠 Ready to break your cycle? Check out Break the Cycle, a free 7 day email course. Available at www.drrachelorleck.com

Understanding and Interrupting the Pursue-Withdraw Cycle

They're avoiding eye contact, stuck in silence. Physically there, but miles away.

And every move you make to reach them seems to push them further away. If you've ever found yourself crying in the kitchen while your partner walks out without looking back, or if you've ever felt the heat rising in your chest as they chase you down the hallway, begging you to just talk, this episode is for you.

And until you can see the cycle for what it is, you'll keep blaming the person in front of you instead of the pattern between you. My clients tell me this is the most maddening part. I know we love each other, but we just keep missing each other. It looks like no matter how hard you try, you're either chasing or being chased, like you're either too much or not enough.

One partner picks up on it immediately. Their body tenses, their thoughts start racing, and within seconds they're trying to figure out what went wrong. The other partner, they might not even realize anything shifted or they do, but it feels like being pulled into quicksand.

My clients tell me, I just wanted to understand why he was being distant and suddenly I'm the bad guy or she kept pushing me to talk. And the more I tried to explain that I needed space, the more cornered I actually felt. The harder one person tries to connect. The harder the other tries to escape.

But what looks like working on it and passion and intensity to one partner can feel like an attack to the other, and then the second partner disappears. Whether that's emotionally, physically, or both, they go still. They shut down. Maybe they even ghost even if they're still in the room. This is the moment that the roles lock in.

But instead of feeling like teammates, it feels like you're on opposite sides of the battlefield. One charging forward with a white flag, the other ducking for cover, and when it happens over and over, it creates a kind of emotional erosion. It's slow, quiet, and devastating. I see this so often in couples and individuals who are emotionally intelligent, self-aware, and doing the work.

It's evidence that your nervous systems are working over time to keep you safe.

One of you gets louder, hoping closeness will calm the storm. The other goes quiet, hoping that distance will stop the fire. It's the same fear, but with different instincts.

This is where a lot of couples get stuck. Thinking one person is getting too big and the other is getting too cold, but that's the wrong diagnosis.

Your shutdown doesn't mean that you don't care. And their pleading doesn't mean that they're irrational. These are pattern survival responses built through years of what connection felt like In your earliest relationships. Maybe you learn that speaking up just escalated things, or that staying quiet was the only way to keep the peace.

Either way, your body got the message. Protect first and connect later.

steady and close.

The issue isn't that you're overreacting.

The issue is that neither of you realizes that the pattern is taken over until the damage is already done. You're not trying to hurt each other. You're just trying to stay safe, but the way you're protecting yourselves is accidentally creating more harm. Until you see it for what it is, you are gonna keep blaming each other instead of the cycle.

And once your nervous system registers a threat, logic goes out the window. You're not just communicating anymore. You are protecting. So let's zoom out for a second, because what feels like emotional chaos is often your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do.

In polyvagal terms, we're talking about survival states, and I'll keep it simple. Your body has built in responses for danger and relationships, especially the ones that matter most, light up those systems like a Christmas tree. If you're the pursuer, your system is likely wired to fight or fawn. You seek closeness to feel safe.

it slams the button . The pursuer hears the alarm and runs towards the smoke. Are we okay? Let's talk. Don't leave me hanging. The withdraw bolts for the fire escape. This is too overwhelming. I can't fix it. I need to get out. And here's the twist. Both partners think that the other one is the problem.

The pursuer sees the withdrawal as proof that they're being abandoned. The withdrawer sees the protest as proof that they're being attacked, and because these reactions are automatic, they escalate quickly.

And unless you've learned to notice these cues, and that takes time,

you'll keep reenacting the same fight with slightly different costumes, same lava, different volcanoes,

but you don't need to shame yourself for how you react, but you do need to understand it because awareness is just the first step towards changing how your body shows up when love feels risky.

I am not talking about perfect communication or some magical calm tone to use every time things get hard. I'm talking about recognizing the cycle early enough to pause, to pivot.

So let me share what happened with a client recently when she started to notice this pattern and change it. So she told me that they had this argument and it started in the same way, but this time they caught it. She noticed that her chest was tightening the urge to text her partner six more times, the rising panic.

It was all there, and instead of charging forward, she said, Hey, I think we're slipping into this pattern again, he didn't meet her perfectly, but instead of walking out, he said, I know I need a few minutes, and that was enough.

And we can contrast that with what used to happen. She'd protest with questions, he'd get quiet and physically leave, and they'd both go to bed in opposite corners of the house. Stewing in resentment. The issue wasn't just miscommunication, it was nervous system overload that neither of them knew how to name, let alone interrupt.

That is not possible. It's about not letting your protection patterns be the ones steering the relationship every time things get hard.

So, what do you actually do with all of this? If you're stuck in the pursue withdrawal cycle, the last thing you need is a 12 step process or a perfectly worded script you can't remember when your heart's racing. You need something small, lightweight, something that works when your nervous system is lit up and your brain has left the chat room.

And it is, but it's not easy because your protection patterns don't like to be interrupted. They want to keep doing what they've always done. Your body will scream, fix it, explain it, run. But if you can plant even a tiny flag of awareness in that moment, you've already changed the script.

And I wanna be clear, this is something you can do, whether or not your partner is doing it too. This isn't a partnership move, this is a, you move. A way to stop letting your survival patterns run every hard moment unchecked. A way to remember, I have more options today than I used to. So the goal here isn't harmony, it's interruption.

If you can catch the pattern before it fully locks in, you're already doing something wildly different than your body learned in the past. And that's a big deal. If you're in this dynamic, I want you to hear this loud and clear. This isn't your fault, and

But this isn't about doing it perfectly. It's about interrupting the loop just once, just long enough to realize you are in it.

Sometimes that awareness feels like a lightning strike. Other times it's a whisper. Either way, it gives you the tiniest bit of room to try something new, even if your partner doesn't join you right away. Even if it's messy and even if it doesn't land, you're still shifting the cycle and that matters.

and when you're the one doing all the emotional work, it's exhausting. But there is a way to move through this without abandoning yourself or villainizing your partner. And it starts with naming the pattern for what it is, a signal, a cue, a fire alarm, not a forecast. If this episode cracks something open for you, keep going.

This is one of the core cycles that I help people break down inside my coaching work.

You don't have to know exactly what to do next. You just have to stop assuming that it's all your fault, and start getting curious about what your body has been trying to protect you from.