Welcome to The Bravehearted Woman Podcast, for the woman who knows there's more, because there is more, and that's why you're here today. I'm Dawn Damon. I'm your bravehearted coach, and I'm so glad that you are here. We're kicking off something special this October. I'm calling it Live Out Loud October.

Okay, so just before you get nervous, I'm not talking about becoming the most obnoxious woman or the loudest woman in the room. No, not at all. I'm not talking about being demanding or wanting attention or suddenly becoming somebody that you're not. I'm talking about actually something much deeper. I'm talking about refusing to live the smaller version of yourself in life simply because you're afraid to take up space.

Because here's what I believe: you were never meant to shrink, and that's what we've done. Years of conditioning, of responsibility, of trying to keep everybody else happy have caused us to shrink, and so many women do. We shrink our dreams. We shrink our opinions. We shrink our voices, our expectations. We make our personalities small. We shrink our bodies. We are ashamed of them, so we don't dress them up and decorate them. We wear beige. Ugh. We shrink our needs. Better off if we don't have any needs. We even shrink our vision for the next chapter of our life. Okay. And sometimes we don't even realize that we're doing it. Probably most often we don't realize why we're doing it.

So today we're gonna talk about why. Why are we shrinking? Why are we making ourselves small? And more importantly, how we start shrinking less. All right, you ready?

Well, let's look at part one of this topic today. I wanna talk about why do we shrink? Let's start here. Why do we do this? Because most of us were not born shrinking. The innocent little girl, the one who didn't have trauma in her background - because I understand that that's not everybody's story - but the innocent little girl doesn't walk into a room saying, "I better not be too confident." Right? She doesn't think, "I should probably make everyone else in this room comfortable with my dreams." She doesn't think, "Well, maybe I'm asking for too much." She just is. She laughs loudly. She laughs freely. She asks questions. She dreams big. She believes that she can do things. And then Life happens. Life happens.

Now, sometimes life happens when you're three, and you're four, and you're five. I get that. But very often, life doesn't happen until girls become women and suddenly figure it out. They hear it: "Don't be too much. You're being extra. Don't be too loud. Don't be so opinionated. Don't be too ambitious. Why are you striving? Don't make people uncomfortable. And whatever you do, don't outshine someone. Don't disappoint people. Don't, don't, don't. Don't fail. Don't risk rejection." We hear "no" thousands of times before we're 18, and we only hear "yes" a minimal number of times.

I don't have those statistics right now, but I'll get those for you. We become experts at editing ourselves and asking ourselves, "What will everyone else think if I do this?" Instead of, "What do I think?" Or, "What do I want?" Or, "What feels authentic to me?" So today, let me give you four reasons why we shrink, and I want you to think about these if there's something of these four that may be operating in your life.

Well, one of the reasons why we shrink is because we want to be liked. That's right. We shrink because we want approval. We don't wanna disappoint anyone. We don't want conflict. We don't want someone to misunderstand us. So when we say yes, we might really mean no. We stay quiet when we have something to say, and we don't pursue the opportunity too. Because somebody might think, like, "Who do you think you are? You're getting too big for your britches." So we stay quiet when we do have a thought or an opinion. Anybody? Anybody relating to that?

Here's the problem. Being liked is not the same as being loved. Because you can spend your entire life trying to be liked, and that means that everybody's opinions are something that you think highly of, but you will still never become who you are created to be, better to be loved by people that count in your life than to be liked by everybody who aren't coming to your funeral, and if they do come, they're not crying.

Okay, the second reason why we shrink is that we're afraid. Fear, that's huge. So huge in so many people's lives. We fear failure. We fear success, and by that I really mean that we fear the responsibility that success will bring. What if I'm not adequate? What if I can't do it? What if I fail or I fizzle out, or it's really successful but then I mess up? I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of looking stupid or foolish. What if I embarrass myself? I'm afraid of starting over. Now, that was a big one for me. I was very afraid of starting over, and I had to start over, and I'm here to report to you that it wasn't fatal, and in fact, it was phenomenal. I'm so glad it happened for me.

And here's one I see all the time with midlife women- we think, "What if I'm too old? What if it's too late for me? I should have done this 20 years ago. I can't do it now. What if people think I'm ridiculous?" And who cares? "What if I fail?" And I wanna say this very clearly: your age is not evidence that your best contribution is behind you. Not at all. There is no expiration on your dreams. Listen to me carefully. You've lived, you've learned, you've experienced, you've survived things, right? Yes, you have. You're loved. You've been successful. You've been lost. You've made mistakes. You've conquered things. You've gained wisdom. You are in the most incredible season of your life, and there's something very powerful about the woman you've become- that woman who knows who she is. You know who you are, and you've had enough life to find out. This is your time. This is your season.

Here's the third reason why we shrink. We shrink because we've been hurt. That's right, life has hurt us, and this one is tender. Sometimes shrinking is self-protection, right? Sometimes shrinking is, "Listen, I put myself out there once; I'm never doing that again." And our brain, which is the organ in your head there, detects anything as a threat. Anything that makes you vulnerable, says it's a threat, it's dangerous, don't do it, and that includes doing brand new things. But you gotta push past that. You did it once; go out there and do it again. Modify it. Try again. Or maybe you say, "I trusted someone once, and they hurt me, and I'll never trust anyone again." That's sad, 'cause there are a lot of trustworthy people out there. I found a trustworthy man. I married him. It's gonna be 15 years. You spoke up, and somebody criticized you. "I'll never speak up again." These inner vows, they don't serve you well. Speak up again. You were just in the wrong crowd. Maybe the right crowd with the wrong person standing there. Maybe you tried something, and it failed. You dreamed, and that dream didn't happen, so you think, "I'm not doing that again." And slowly you became smaller. No. No, don't be the woman who has no more dreams because you've decided dreams aren't safe. Here's the thing: protection can become prison. You need to have a jailbreak. You need to get out of that false protection because that's a false protection, by the way, because you will still experience pain. And the pain of regret, the pain that you never lived your dream, is much stronger in my mind than the pain of never trying at all. So ask yourself, what am I protecting myself from? And what is that protection costing me?

Number four, we shrink because we've confused humility with hiding. I was recently at a conference, and the woman at my table, she said, "I don't wanna promote myself. I don't want people to think that I think that I'm better than." And I just said, "That's just great vocabulary for I'm hiding." That's not humility. God has given you a message. He's entrusted you with a message, with a conviction, and you're supposed to be sharing it. But the enemy is using a really tricky thing to keep you quiet. This is so important for women of faith. Stop hiding. It's not humility. There's a big difference.

Humility says, "I know who I am, and I don't have to prove that I'm better than anyone else. I know what God has given me." That's true humility. But hiding says, "I don't want anyone to see me. I'm afraid of what people will think." Being afraid of what people will think, that's just pride. It's actually the opposite of humility. And so those are not the same thing. You can be humble and confident. You can be gracious and ambitious in the God sense. You can serve others, and you can still have dreams of your own. Amen. And you can love people deeply and still have very important boundaries for your life. So you don't apologize for the gifts that you have. You don't apologize for your voice, your experience, or your calling that God has given you. You don't glorify God by pretending that you have nothing to offer.

All right, so let's move into part two of this. How do we know if we're shrinking? Hmm. What might tell you in your life that you're playing small, that you're shrinking? Well, let's make this practical, because obviously most of us are not thinking, "Today, I'm going to shrink." All right?

So let's see how shrinking shows up. I'm just gonna read some of these to you. When you say, "I'm sorry," when you haven't done anything wrong, you're shrinking. When you downplay your accomplishments, when you avoid asking for what you really want or need, when you let other people's preferences actually become your preferences, you're shrinking. When you keep your ideas to yourself, if you say, "It's probably silly," before you share an idea. How many women say that, or people in general? But, like, "This might not be a good idea," or, "This might be a bad idea, but what if..." Okay, you're shrinking. If you talk yourself out of opportunities, or if you stay in situations that you've already outgrown, you're shrinking. If you constantly compare yourself to younger women, mm, you're not embracing the wise, beautiful, magenta woman that you are. I think of magenta as deeper than pink. It's substantive and solid and beautiful. If you feel guilty when you invest in yourself, so many women feel guilty.

I have a phenomenal coaching program I can offer you. It will change your life. You will be transformed. So many women are afraid to invest in themselves. I hope that's not you. If you wait for someone to give you permission, and you just say, "I don't know if I... And someday, not today, but maybe someday." If you keep telling yourself that you're being realistic when actually you're being afraid. All right, sometimes being realistic is wise, but sometimes being realistic is just fear wearing sensible shoes, right? I give you permission. Invest in yourself and stop shrinking. So did you see anything in your life that might resemble some of those things? Did you say, "Oh, man, I do that," or, "I can hear myself," or, "I just experienced that." I felt like I was shrinking. I felt like I was... Even my body posture was trying to become small because I didn't wanna offend anyone.

So here's the important part: How do we shrink less? Are you ready? Let's get into it, because here's where I wanna give you something that you can actually do, and we just talked about it.

Number one: Notice where you're making yourself small. Where's it happening? You can't change what you don't recognize, so ask yourself, "Where am I playing small right now?" Is it in your career? Is it in a relationship? Is it in your business? Are you playing small with friends? What about your voice?

Again, remember, we're not saying to be audacious and obnoxious and out there. Well, maybe a little audacious, but not offensive. Are you playing small with your health right now, or your leadership? Are you an amazing leader, but you're not leading anything because you've been shrinking? What about your faith? Has God called you to a massive, incredible position of leading with faith and seeing miracles, but you're playing it small? What about your future? What do you see for yourself? Don't judge yourself. Just dream. Dream. And just notice, where am I playing small right now? Don't judge yourself there, either. Be compassionate.

Number two: Stop asking for permission. Even if you're not doing it verbally, it might be happening somewhere in your thought process. At some point, you have to stop waiting for someone to say, "Yes, you have permission. You're allowed to dream. You're allowed to go big. You're allowed to change. You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to grow. You're allowed to want something different." You committed to something, and it no longer fits. You're allowed to release yourself from that commitment. You're allowed to start over. You're allowed to say no, and you're allowed to say yes. And you're allowed to take up space. Own yourself. Take up that space. You're allowed to breathe the air of people that you think are so much more significant than yourself. And sometimes the permission that you're waiting for has to come from you. Do you give yourself permission?

The third thing that you have to do is just say the thing. And next week we're gonna look at this in more detail, so I hope you'll join us next week when our podcast drops, the episode on finding your voice. But say what you mean. Tell someone what you need. Don't shake your head and smile and just play small. Share your idea. Make the request. Speak up. You can do it, okay? And you can start small. Practice. You don't have to become fearless. Just like we all have heard the saying, you can start even when you're afraid. Do it afraid. Brave women aren't women who never feel the emotion of fear. Brave women are those who risk taking a step, a courageous step of action. Fear doesn't get to decide the final vote. You do, your mind does, your spirit does.

Number four, and I just said it, take one brave action, okay? Even think about it right now as I'm sharing this podcast episode with you. What's one thing that you've been wanting to do but you've been playing small, and maybe it's time for you to act on it? One thing, not 10, one thing. Can you write it down? Can you think about that? One thing. What have you been putting off? One conversation, one email, one application, one phone call, one visit, one idea, one dream, one boundary, one step. Take it. This is your moment. Because confidence doesn't arrive first. Confidence comes after you do the thing. You gotta do the thing. Confidence happens. Motivation doesn't come first either, for that matter. Motivation comes after action. So confidence grows when you stop putting off the promises that you've made to yourself.

Part number four, I'm gonna give you the live out loud challenge. For the month of October, here's the challenge for the first week of October, okay? I want you to finish this sentence: If I stopped making myself smaller, I would... And what would you do? Ooh, I'm challenging myself with that very question. I just had a flash of things in my mind that I might do. And don't overthink it. What just came to you just now? Finish the sentence. Maybe I would start the business, or maybe I would write the book, or maybe I would leave the job. Maybe I would ask for the promotion, or I would travel, I would speak, or I would tell him what I really need, and I would finally take care of myself. I would believe that there is a next chapter for me, and I would believe that that next chapter is going to be extraordinary. Whatever comes up, write it down, and then ask yourself, "What's one thing I can do about this next week?" That's it. Just one step. Will you do it?

All right. I wanna leave this with you today. You don't have to become someone else to live out loud. You don't have to completely upend your life. You don't need a new personality. You don't need to be 25 again. Come on, somebody say amen. You don't need everyone's approval. You don't need to have it all figured out. You simply need to be brave-hearted. Stop abandoning yourself in order to keep everyone else more comfortable. There is still life in you. There is still creativity inside of you. There is still purpose in you. We know that, right? There are still dreams inside of you, and perhaps this chapter isn't about becoming more. This chapter is just about becoming more fully you.

So this October, stop shrinking, start speaking, take the leap, and live out loud. I'm Dawn Damon. I'm your bravehearted coach, and I'm inviting you to stop by my website, braveheartedwoman.com. There, we have a quiz that you can quickly and easily take that will let you know what kind of heart am I? Am I a brave heart? Am I an anchored heart or a faint heart? Am I a bold heart? Where am I on the spectrum, and what can I do to move the needle to become more courageous, to become more confident, to become more fully authentic? Okay. I hope you'll join me next week when we talk about finding your voice. In the meantime, Dawn Damon, your brave-hearted coach, is reminding you: find your brave and live your dreams!