Book and Ocean head back to Hamlet Opening hoping to find it a little more welcoming than when they left. They also have a couple stragglers they need to figure out what to do with.

This one is mostly a nice, relaxing chat with a few world-shattering revelations thrown in.

Welcome to Oops!

All Apocalypses, a show where we explore the collapse of society by playing fun, tabletop role-playing games.

I'm your host, Stu Masterson, and I'm joined by two answers to questions that nobody asked.

What does it mean?

Well, I don't want to, because if nobody asked, then I shouldn't jump in.

You know what I'm saying?

But no, you still answer.

But if someone like, I understand.

Okay, I get it now.

It's a funny joke.

I hate you.

Hey everybody, I'm Brady and I play Book McReady.

I'm trying to enunciate that more so that people get the joke, because apparently not everybody got the joke.

A sleuth who has a few more mysteries to solve.

What a thrilling introduction.

I'm sorry.

Thrilling.

As true as it is a sentence.

And I'm Jacob.

I play Ocean, a gentle giant who is a little concerned that he might have been eating human flesh.

That's a good one.

That is true.

Yeah, that's fair.

Jury is still out.

I would also be concerned if I was in your position.

Yeah, it would have been nice if you guys got a more concrete answer to that good mystery.

I think the problem is that I don't think we're ever, ever, ever, ever, ever coming back here.

So in terms of us ever getting answers to that, the chances are near zero.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And most of the people who would know are dead.

You have one survivor though.

Maybe you could have one with some more questions.

I have a lot of regrets about the way the hospital went down.

A lot of regrets.

Namely that we probably should have gotten more supplies, so that way we don't come back completely empty-handed.

I also like that you found this beautiful oasis filled with real food, and now it's gone.

Yeah, we just destroyed it.

We just destroyed one hope of farming and actual food.

Yeah, just utterly destroyed it.

I don't even think we have seeds from what they built.

We have nothing.

And I think I should have been gentler on this guy's testicles, because he is in the car with us now.

Yep.

Well, this week, we're going to try to fall in love with Book and Ocean.

Just gets harder every time, doesn't it?

Every episode gets tougher and tougher.

It should be a stronger, more meaningful relationship now, as we now have two more questions before we reach set three, which is the final true deep questions that really get to the heart of everyone.

It's for after you're married and you're questioning whether you still want to be with that person.

Yes, we're almost to that point.

This one is going to be, I think it's still interesting, but I feel a little bad for Jacob in this situation for this question.

I want you to still try to guess based on who you are, I guess, but how close and warm is your family?

Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

Oh, goodness.

I think that they were kind of right smack dab in the middle.

Like warm enough that Book has fond memories of his parents, but not so warm that they wouldn't leave him behind when they went on a big adventure, if that makes sense.

Yeah, I had always felt that like you guys were very close when they were around, but that could also just be how Book remembers it because he was a very small child.

So I guess, what does Book think?

But I care more about not like, what does Brady think the truth is?

What does Book now think?

Book thinks that they were very close, but not very warm, if that makes sense.

Yeah, very.

There's a specific rating against other people.

So you think you're right in the middle still?

No, I'd say I would say like top 70th percentile for warmness.

That's a great question to answer on a date.

70th percentile.

I didn't hear the rating part.

I'm sorry.

I was reading an email from my mortgage broker who locked the rate, even though I fucking told them not to.

I'm gonna literally, I'm fuming right now.

I'm so sorry.

I just, I shouldn't have opened the email.

I'm fucking fuming.

Use that energy for the podcast.

I'm gonna kick somebody else in the nuts.

Oh, no, he's a serial nut kicker.

I'm going rogue.

I'm assuming you guys are familiar, at least with this series of unfortunate events, Book series.

I've seen the movie and the TV series.

I haven't read any of the books.

Oh, gotcha.

Book's parents remind me a lot of the Bordelaire's parents, is kind of how I have pictured them, being like you had a very sweet, warm, nice childhood, but then the more you learn about them as you go, the more you're like, huh, what were these people really?

Who were these guys?

And they disappear for the exact same mysterious reason.

So from what Ocean has pieced together of his backstory, from all these visions and the pasts, the stuff that he's seen, and all of the times that he, the visions he's had, I don't think he's ever felt any kind of like warmth or tie to any family member or anything like that.

So I think Ocean probably doesn't feel like he had a very probably didn't have a very warm childhood or family considering he doesn't really have much, even in the little flashes he has of like the, I think once long ago, he had like a vision that was he was with somebody he loved, but it wasn't like a familial person.

Yeah, he could have been a sister.

It could have been.

He doesn't really know.

But in all the other visions, he's like seems like he's driven by duty and like he's just hyper fixated on working and getting stuff done.

And because of that, I think Ocean probably feels that whatever his family life was, it wasn't considering one, he has no idea.

He's been by himself for so long, and nobody's ever come for him.

Means he probably lost his family at a young age or they just weren't particularly close.

And so I don't think he had a very warm childhood.

I think he probably feels that his childhood was very cold.

And I suspect he doesn't feel particularly one way or another about the concept of having parents even.

I think he sees Book's parents, and I'm like, oh, that sounds nice.

But I think-

You had other people you knew before.

It'd be nice to find them, but not like a special connection, like, oh, it's your parents.

Yeah, I don't think Ocean quite sees the appeal of that or the familial bond.

I don't think he quite feels it.

Same.

Oof, we're learning a lot of stew here.

Oh, yeah, I didn't realize I had to answer this question.

My family, I think, was pretty medium closeness.

Now, I'm not super close.

I know a lot of families that are much closer than I am particularly, but I think I had a happy childhood.

I'm just a generally happy person.

I was happy with just, like, books and things, so my childhood was good, handled mostly through my own will and strength with his rap career in high school.

I feel like that is a tough question to answer as the DM, because you don't want to say too much.

Yeah, I'm not letting you guys into my life.

I'm telling you anything.

Welcome to Book Snooker Booktakes.

I am standing in for Book, who is upset at his mortgage rate right now.

He looks very angry.

I'm not even upset at the rate.

I'm upset that my real estate agent sent the contract to my broker without asking me first.

Yes, understandable anger, just like the understandable anger I felt while reading Lucifer's Hammer.

I like Lucifer's Hammer, despite some of its more problematic representations of people of color, which obviously is probably easy for me to say as a white person, but you know, here we are.

Definitely a novel of its time.

I like the science part.

The science was good.

I've read one other book by Larry Niven and whatever, Pornelli.

I think that's how you say his name is.

If he wanted us to remember his name, he should have got top billing on books.

But I read one other book that they collaborated on called The Moten God's Eye.

And after reading that book, I came into this book with the same kind of expectations I had on that book.

And that book was, in Moten's God's Eye, was very like, ooh, raw, military, better, scientists, dumb, scientists, unable to do stuff, scientists, stupid, caught up in all things, military, better, negotiations, and scientists, puny scientists, just get in the way.

That was like the whole theme of that book, it sure seemed like.

So I was expecting like a very like, not particularly pro-science angle on the book, considering the last book you read.

They contain multitudes.

Yeah, I guess.

But I was very pleasantly surprised by like, how kind of grounded the book felt.

And, you know, for its time, pretty progressive, I want to say, with like, scientific focus.

My only complaint on that front is he clearly had a pretty anti-environmentalist.

Oh, my God.

Where it was much like environmentalists are holding up the progress of science, which in the specific examples he was talking about, I think nuclear power is probably a pretty cool idea.

So I kind of agreed with what he was saying, but I think like it was clear in his writing that he kept harping on the like the hole in the ozone layer stuff, but that was like demonstrably proven true.

And also when they stopped using whatever that chemical was, the ozone layer actually started recovering.

You're talking about chlorofluorocarbons?

Something like that, yeah.

I remember learning about it in high school, but I don't remember any of the technicalities of it.

It's what was previously in aerosols.

Yeah, but the writing was very good.

Not really a spoiler because the entire novel is about a comet that hits Earth and the catastrophes that result in that and people trying to survive after that cataclysmic event.

But that happens like a third of the way through the book.

In my opinion, before that is pretty boring.

Yeah.

While that's happening is like some of the best book reading I've ever been involved in.

I read through that third of the book so fast.

It was a struggle getting through the first third and not as much of a struggle, but it still took me a while to get through the last third.

But that middle third from like right before impact, like the two weeks before to the to the weeks after of everyone kind of slowly coming together, I blitzed through that stuff so quickly.

It was very well written and very exciting and a good change up from what was before that.

So I also appreciate the slowness of the beginning.

But I think my favorite part in the middle book, there's a lot of really dank shit that happens in the middle portion with the comic that strikes.

And if you're reading the book, we don't want to spoil it too much, but there's one in particular, one sequence in particular, that really stuck with me because it was really well written and also kind of poetic and a melancholic sense.

And it was two people who I don't even know if they ever showed up in the novel.

I think they're just two characters that just showed up for this one scene and then never showed up again.

I mean, for obvious reasons for what happens to them.

But they're sitting on a mountaintop and they're watching the comment.

And the first initial strike hits and it blinds one of them, and then they can't see anything.

And then he's just like, he initially kind of freaks out a little bit and is like, I'm blind, I can't see anything.

And then the guy with him just kind of like calmly like puts his hands, he holds the guy's hand and says, I don't really think that matters anymore.

And then he describes it's from the perspective of the guy that no longer can see.

And he's the other guy is he's listening to the way that the guy is describing the comment striking and the devastation that occurs from that.

And I thought that was just a really cool passage.

It was really melancholic, but also kind of, I don't know, it wasn't like they were afraid.

They knew what was going to happen.

They knew they were going to die and the guy initially panicked because he went blind.

But after that, they got it.

They both accepted and resigned their fate and just kind of like, I forgot about the show that that was really phenomenal.

That was actually probably my favorite part in the whole book, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah, I thought that was a really beautiful scene.

And I don't think that's much of a spoiler because those characters literally show up for that bit and then they die and then never ever again.

Also, it's a nearly 40 year old book.

That's true.

But yeah, I think I think all of my complaints with the novel are probably applied to every science fiction book written in the 70s, which is the like female and minority representation.

Oh, it's questionable.

It's especially questionable in this one towards the end.

Actually, we should go back to our question from like forever ago.

Who would be best equipped to survive specifically the apocalypse in Lucifer's hammer?

I like to think that I would be accepted into Jellison's ranch because of my medical training.

Yeah, I think that's the one big thing that I have over most people.

Stu and I are engineers.

I think I have I still have a lot of practical.

So I have I have a lot of practical skills that they would appreciate, but they probably have a lot of people who are engineering adjacent.

I don't know.

I don't have to answer this because my ancestor was written directly into the Book in Al Masterson, who is my favorite character, who is only in like one chapter, which was the perfect combination of not smart enough and smart where he worked at JPL or something.

Yeah, he was the janitor at JPL.

So he was around all the smart people and he got all the details, but all of the smart people were smart enough to know that the chance of a comet hitting is literally astronomical.

So they didn't do any good preparation, but he was like, I did really like that level, I still need to prep.

And he got his shit together and they actually stopped following his character, but he definitely lived a happy life forever.

I choose to accept that he lived a happy life and made it to Colorado.

And with that in-depth review, oh wait, review, seven out of ten.

That was an entire podcast in of itself.

We could probably do a whole podcast discussing this book.

You give it a seven out of ten Stu?

Seven out of ten.

I'm gonna give it a 7.5.

Ooh, Bradio's slightly more positive than-

Because of the good science, good science, 0.5.

And with that, let's get back to the action.

Previously, you guys escaped the silent as they approached the hospital that you had, I guess, indirectly caused the destruction of.

That was a nice little self-sufficient society there, making their own food.

Maybe cannibals though.

Living large, potentially cannibals.

But you guys made it out and drove deeper into Subtropolis, which is where we're gonna kick off right now.

And it's just you, me, Crandle, and what was the guy's name who I-

Meanie.

And the head of Vesuvius.

And the head of Vesuvius, of course.

Oh, yeah, he's still on, did I put him back on my shoulder?

I would think so.

No, he was brought out by Meanie.

I was so scared we were gonna lose him, and his head was like thrown in the disposal.

I'm glad I've only kept characters who have ridiculous voices, and Meanie, who I did not give a voice, because I did not expect him to be this important.

Meanie is the cornerstone of our strategy going forward.

So Meanie said he was familiar with this area, right?

Yes, he did say that.

Hey, Meanie?

Yeah?

I'm sorry that I kicked you in the nuts.

Whoa, whoa, Book, you kicked this man in the nuts?

Like hard.

Like ridiculously hard.

And then I tied his shoes together so he couldn't follow me.

And then he tied my shoes.

They're still tied together.

Actually, I had to cut my shoelaces, so my shoes are very loose.

Well, that is actually little known fact.

That is the strategy that Alexander the Great used to untie the Gordian knot.

So congratulations, you just reverse engineered a little bit of history there.

I don't know who that is, but cool.

Well, I guess you guys didn't know everything in your little medical tower, did you?

Sorry, I should be mean about that.

All of your friends are dead.

Hey, do you know how to get out of here?

Where are you trying to get?

Oh man, do you know Hamlet Opening by any chance?

I've heard of it.

I don't know where it is.

There used to be this guy who would come by.

Man, he was so bad ass.

Oh, Beethoven.

You know Beethoven.

Oh, Beethoven.

Yeah, what have you heard about Beethoven?

I heard that he has only ever cauterized his own wounds.

No band-aids.

Well, what did you hear, Ocean?

I heard that he doesn't use a shovel.

He just digs with his hands.

Just like an animal?

Wow.

I heard he's more effective than a shovel.

I do need a shovel.

I heard that he busted the steel toed cap out of his steel toed boots just by flexing his toes.

He does.

I can confirm he has very strong toes.

We saw them on the X-ray.

Speaking of his really strong muscles, I've heard that he just opens cans by flexing them between his bicep and his forearm.

Oh, like pops the lid right off.

Doesn't even need a can opener.

Wouldn't that squeeze the stuff out like toothpaste?

Not Beethoven.

He's good at it.

He catches it with his traps.

Yeah, he's good at it.

Holy shit.

That's great.

I heard that one time somebody tried to or offered him a haircut.

He flexed his head and he instantly gave himself a buzz.

He squeezed his hair follicles off by flexing his head.

That one seems improbable, but that's crazy.

It's just what I heard.

It's just what I heard.

Yeah, these are all just rumors, meaning we don't know how true they are, but we've heard he's pretty impressive.

You have one more.

I have one more.

Yeah.

He helps a lot actually in Hamlet Opening with our power issues.

Whenever we have a down line, instead of, you know, repair it, he just grabs one end, grabs the other, and he runs curbed between his body until they get somebody over to fix it.

Wow, a conducive solution.

And he doesn't even flinch, his hair doesn't even stand up.

Because he flexed it off right before.

Probably.

Man, it ties together.

I heard one time he was eating at a bar and the glass broke above him and fell all into his Cheerios, and he just kept going.

He just cranked through that bad boy.

God, you've had such better rumors than we have about Beethoven.

Do you know which bar sells Cheerios?

No, I've actually never had Cheerios.

He told me about them.

God, I want Cheerios so bad.

I had Cheerios once.

Did Book have Cheerios when he was a small child?

And you know when babies, you gave babies Cheerios, you just pour it out in a little plate and they just pick them up.

Is that how Book had them?

That's how he still thinks he eats them.

There's no milk.

There's certainly no milk.

That's what I was going to say.

Book is picturing Beethoven with a plate full of scattered glass and scattered, what are they?

Cheerios?

Cheerios.

And just picture with a bib on.

Glass Cheerio, Glass Cheerio.

With a bib on.

Yeah.

But he told me about Hamlet Opening, but not like where it was.

But he said that's where he was from.

Fair enough.

How about how to get to the long dark from here?

Yeah, I could get you the long dark.

Where am I going to go?

Where do you want to go?

I don't know.

My home seems to be taken over by malevolent forces right now.

Do you have any medical training?

Yeah, a little bit.

I'm not like a doctor.

I'm not like Morelin.

Man, he knew everything.

Hey, did you guys eat people?

No.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

Do you have steak ever?

Like meat?

Do you ever eat some meat?

Yeah, we would have meat like once a month.

Where'd it come from?

Morelin.

Where'd it come from?

Yeah, he would work out like trade deals for it or stuff.

What'd it look like?

It was usually like ground beef.

We had taco Tuesday once.

That was a good Tuesday.

I love tacos.

Listen, Meanie, we've been living in Hamlet Opening a long time.

Hamlet Opening is, I feel it's a pretty nice society.

We've got a lot of resources.

We got a lot of tools.

We can get by pretty well.

I don't think I can remember the last time any of us in our pretty well-off society had actual, real meat.

It's mostly from cans.

So it just seems improbable to me that Moreland was bringing you guys fresh meat without some kind of source.

It was just as fresh as like the spinach or just as fresh as the oranges.

That was so good.

Oh, I'm going to miss the food so much.

I got, I got, I'm going to admit, I got used to it.

Like, I've been there for multiple years now and I don't know if I can go back to canned food.

Do you think you could recreate the hydroponic system that you have?

Absolutely not.

I'm not smart enough to do that.

It's I mean, you just need water and tubes.

You found me on a roof smoking.

I mean, that's fair.

I can't argue with that.

Hey, you know, but like, did you ever actually see the meat come in from an external source?

Or did did did homeboy Moreland just kind of like appear with some food?

It was to me.

It was always a big surprise.

It was like, guys, tonight meets back on the menu, boys.

Did that perchance, by any chance, per se, by any chance correspond with when you had people come through in the area?

I don't think so.

Like we like you can ask me to like we trade with people all the time, like like with you guys, like for medical services.

Yeah.

Trade stuff.

It doesn't even need to correspond with that because you guys have a morgue, so you could keep bodies fresh for a pretty long time.

Morgues are cold.

It's a very gross line of action.

I think you ate people, dude.

I'm just being straight up.

I'm just being honest with you.

I would want to know if I were you.

I think that more than 50 people food people as food.

OK, well, I don't I don't know if that's true and I don't know how to find out.

So thanks for just giving me a little bit of existential dread that I can think of the future without being able to know the real answer.

When was the last time you eat people?

I don't think I ate people.

I mean, wait, meat, I mean meat.

I meant meat.

I meant meat.

I'm sorry.

It was reflex.

Like a week ago.

When was the last time you pooped?

Wait, what?

When was the last time you pooped?

Well, at least there's no way of knowing.

Oh, God, this is disgusting.

Look, look, look, Meanie.

Let me get you to the laundry.

Meanie, all that to say, our town is in desperate need for medical help.

And I think if you could show that you're even somewhat useful, we have a doctor in our town that could probably use some assistance.

Yeah, I'm familiar around the stuff.

I could certainly be like an assistant.

That's what I was doing there.

So I would be of use to him.

Is he a cool guy?

Is he as good as Moreland?

Ocean looks at Book and just stares at him for a minute.

Yeah, he's pretty cool.

Okay, that's good.

Yeah.

I mean, he did get into my house somehow unannounced without breaking the lock, but without unlocking the lock.

So yeah, I'd say he's pretty skilled.

Meanie, I have one last question.

Do you know of anywhere nearby that would have medical supplies that we could kind of pilfer?

That's the whole reason we came to you guys in the first place and we're just leaving a little beheaded.

If we knew where they were at, we would have taken them.

I guess that's fair.

I guess that's true.

Yeah.

Everything we had was stored in that hospital.

Hmm.

Interesting.

Well, Book, I guess that leaves the stew as our next destination after we get back.

Oh, by the way, Vesuvius, are you doing all right?

Yeah, it was I was screaming and I didn't even know if I had a mouth.

So it was pretty horrific in that locker.

But it seems like you guys got the worst of it.

Well, I hold him up to the mirror so that he can see that he still indeed has a mouth.

He screams so he can watch it.

He goes, thank you.

I really appreciate it.

And then I put it into first and start to pull forward slowly.

You move along, you're no longer being held back by the thing you had to tow.

So I think your jeep's in OK shape besides the bullet in it, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think I think last time we checked, I had like half a tank.

Yeah, you have enough to get back to Hamlet Opening definitely.

Ooh, very generous.

Let's do it then.

OK, you crank through the subtropolis.

You're trusting the directions of Meanie.

Yeah, I think I think kind of Ocean will cross reference with what he knows.

If we're going back in the long dark, he's pretty familiar with it.

So Ocean will try his best to also kind of like check with whatever Meanie is telling to make sure he knows for sure exactly where we're going.

You guys make it back to the long dark, but you're going to have to make a long dark roll.

Motherfuck.

When you traverse the long dark roll plus hard on a 10 plus choose 2 on a 7 plus choose 1, you find something you didn't expect.

You find something you did expect.

You avoid something blocking your path.

Do we both roll or?

Nope, just one, whoever's leading the charge, which is usually going to be Ocean for this one.

Ocean's familiar with the long dark and being, and he's also the one kind of like using the cross reference for whatever meaning he's telling us.

That is a 10.

Hell yeah.

Choose 2.

Didn't even have to help.

Hmm.

I think find something that we did expect, as in a familiar path to Hamlet Opening.

That could be what you find.

That could be something that we find.

That's true.

Or it could be this spider that we...

It could.

It could.

I think avoiding something blocking our path would probably be a good choice here.

So yeah, you make it back to an entrance to the long dark.

This is actually one you're not super familiar with, Ocean.

It's further north up than that main huge interchange that a lot of people take in to Subtropolis.

But you kind of understand geographically where it's at.

And you think you could probably line back up with that main thoroughfare that ends up leading right by Hamlet Opening.

So you get in to the tunnels, headlights shining in front of you, not illuminating very far.

You don't have those cool Humvee headlights anymore that were extra strong, extra wide, extra bright.

But you're able to speed through these tunnels at a pretty fast pace.

As you're going along, Book, give me a read of Citroel.

Row, row, Reggie.

That was also at nine.

Geez, we're rolling rocks today.

I get an X-ray because I can sniff the wind.

What is my best way through the long dark to Hamlet Opening?

And let's change it up.

We always do what should I be on the lookout for?

What is the best way through the long dark to Hamlet Opening?

And what is the biggest threat to me?

To us.

You're cruising along for quite a while, and you get some confirmation you seem to be at least heading towards the right direction because a car does zoom past you.

It's like a muscle car.

It does not slow down at all.

If you tried, would you guys like try to wave at it in any way?

Or like a muscle, like, oh, just like zooms fastest.

Yes, I give it the Jeep wave.

Just two fingers, two, no, just two fingers up on the steering wheel.

It does.

He does not react.

You see it as a guy driving.

You barely see him for a second.

He's going so quickly in the opposite direction of you on these curvy tunnels where he just moves a little to the side, not enough for like a full car width and just loops back.

Even honk or nothing or just?

No, nothing.

Just keeps going.

It's Mad Max.

Ocean recognize the car?

The car does not look like one you've seen at Hamlet Opening.

It's Madonna Maximum.

It doesn't look like a super crazy car like you haven't seen any like that before, but it doesn't.

You don't recognize the person that you briefly see or the car.

Or it's Batman.

Could be Batman.

But as you turn away from him and look back on the road, Book, you notice there's something a little weird about the ground in front of you.

You're heading towards a downward slope, and you notice that along the edges here, it's actually a super loose earth.

You'll take a plus one on this utilizing your read a sitral, but you're going to roll a deal with bad terrain.

Roll plus cool, modified by your vehicle's handling.

Roll plus cool plus two plus one.

Sorry, plus one.

Just marking my second XP that I got in short succession.

When it rains, it pours, folks.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, not yet.

Don't make this our fail.

So I got snake eyes plus two plus one.

So I got a five.

Ah, that's pretty poor.

Indeed.

So you see it coming just in time.

What do you do to try to react to it?

It's loose soil.

Yeah, you notice the ground is much looser here and you're headed down a downward slope.

What would be your reaction to deal with that?

Do you think it's too late to...

No, I'll say whatever the fuck you want.

Go for it.

I'm actually going to choose my action in accordance with my roll.

So I made a bad roll.

So I think Book is going to try to slam on the brakes, which is obviously not a good idea.

You slam on the brakes trying to stop before it becomes too bad, but you realize this is like, as the weight of your vehicle goes onto it, the earth actually starts flowing with you.

It's almost like a mudslide, but of dry earth.

I don't know if there's a name for that.

Just a dry slide.

A silt slide?

Yes, a nice silty slide.

As you slam on the brakes, you start fishtailing to the side, and just as the tunnel starts narrowing further and further, and you both get this sudden rock, as the jeep starts scraping both the nose and its tail against the edges of the stone walls, one of your headlights flies off, gets crunched underneath your large front tire, and the back gets kind of crumpled in before you come to a stop.

You see the dirt keeps kind of flowing up on you, and it doesn't like submerge the vehicle.

It's not nearly that high, but it goes up probably a few inches on your tires on the higher side.

Your vehicle takes one armor piercing damage.

Luckily, you're in a jeep, so you're able to and get out of your slight predicament pretty easily, un-wedge it.

Like the Austin Powers?

Yes, it's identical.

Nice.

It's a 372 point turn.

Just...

There's a bunch of crunching while you're doing that.

Your cattle guard on the front is all messed up, but you're able to work your way back down the tunnel and keep going towards Hamlet Opening pretty quickly.

Ocean is able to recognize the area where you're back up to kind of the main thoroughfare tunnel of the Long Dark, which from at least this area back to Hamlet Opening, Ocean knows super well.

So as you're approaching the town, what's your guys' plan for this?

Like, how are you going to deal with going back into town?

Because last time you left, surreptitiously.

Yeah, last time I think we left on their assumption that we were just going to check some stuff out, but there we're going to come back and get the G, the spider to go to the stew.

I think last time we also left through the Long Dark.

So I imagine we would just try to come back the way we came.

You can come back the way you came.

As you literally get into the town, what are you trying to do?

Meanie, what do you want us to do with our guy, Maple?

You want us to introduce you?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, that would be great if you guys got like a good in with him.

And you think I could get a job working for him?

I would love if you guys just hooked me up with him.

I could try to show off some of my work.

We initially came out for medical supplies.

We don't necessarily have very many.

I think we have whatever Crandall has in his bag, which was what?

Band-aids.

But I guess I already got I also had this and he pulls up a like 2006 Bluetooth headset.

Crandall, I don't know what we're going to do with that.

What?

Book Ocean kind of like freezes.

And after Crandall says, after Crandall says, I've also got this, he looks at, oh, he looks at Book and goes, Book, what, what are we going to do with Crandall?

I think Crandall is our mascot now.

Ocean looks back and is like, can we keep him?

No, he doesn't say that.

What do we do with him?

He's a warlord with no lord to war, with no war to lord.

Yeah, that's a, oh man, oh man.

Honestly, I think it would be fun just to kind of see what happens.

I mean, we're kind of, our town's kind of led by a warlord of sorts.

I mean, who's to say there's not room in this town for the two of them?

Yeah, I thought I would probably stay here.

Crandall, what skills do you have?

I'm pretty good with technology and pranks.

I'm a leader of men.

I'm inspiring.

How would you feel about being a radio host?

What if we set Johnny Hertz up with Crandall?

That would be quite the duo.

The only issue is that we have to get to the opposite side of Hamlet Opening, which would take us through the middle of town, which would take us past all the people we're trying to avoid.

Well, I think the first thing we need to do is, I think we need to get in.

We need to dot by, speak to Maple, check on the spider, and then we can swing by Johnny Hertz.

That's a lot of doing.

It's a lot of doing.

Are you sure we shouldn't just drop everybody off and grab the spider and go into the stew?

Yeah, I guess we could do that.

That works almost exactly the same and probably flows better narratively.

Yeah, I can take care of myself.

That is...

Just tell me where to go.

That's entirely incorrect, Crandall.

Crandall, we'd like to introduce you.

Actually, wait, we can just call Johnny.

I go, I take my walkie-talkie.

Johnny, this is Book.

Can you, I mean Red.

Do you read me?

Who is Red?

I think I know your real name.

Book, do you read me?

That's pretty funny.

This is Johnny Hertz.

Can you hear me?

Hey, Johnny, I can hear you.

Listen, man, are you by any chance interested in potentially bringing on by any chance a new co-host, by any chance, potentially?

Give me a slice on one.

Ocean grabs the radio and is like, a former Warlord war co-host could get some interesting stories.

Dude, that was a 12.

Okay, I don't even need to bother to help.

I was prepped to help, like, giving the Warlord stuff.

Well, maybe on a trial basis, but if it is a true Warlord, then I think we could definitely do a multi-part interview series.

But if he can handle the mic as well as I can, then I would be welcoming to a second co-host.

Johnny, this man's voice is smooth as rain.

Smooth as rain!

Is rain smooth?

I feel like it is.

It's a gentle, smooth, down trickling.

I don't know.

I came up with that off my head.

I don't know, man.

We get some pretty strong downpours.

Especially, I bet, in the cave system that we're used to, like, the water just all falls at once.

Like, it doesn't...

It's condensation, and then it hits, like, saturation point.

It just pours down, yeah.

And just falls in a flat sheet.

Also, Johnny, he, uh, he's pretty handy with technology.

He might be able to help you around the radio station a little bit.

Oh my god, we're...

Wait, wait.

This sounds like a perfect fit.

This is perfect.

Johnny has your Tickle Tickle explode.

You can do more pranks.

What have we done, Book?

Now, Cradle, here's something to keep in mind about that device, that it does more than just tickles and explodes cans.

So, make sure you talk with Johnny before you do anything with it, because you don't want to mess it up.

I guess he is the current owner, but I'll work something out.

I don't think you'll have to do anything.

It's still, I mean, it's shaking pretty good, I reckon.

Right, when you guys have a very important message to send back, it's going to come through like, because there's a can on top of some important transistor.

And I'm excited for it.

But Johnny goes, yeah, just send them my way whenever, and I'll get them.

I'll watch them for a few days at least.

I'll watch them.

That is exactly what we need.

Thank you.

I draw a little map for Crandall.

He takes it, but does not look at it.

He starts walking towards...

Wait, Crandall, Crandall, before you go.

Ocean holds out his hand.

It's like, it's a good servant with you.

You son of a bitch.

And he gives you a big predator high five.

As you release the high five, his hand drags along your forearm, down your fingers, and you feel this moisture accumulating behind it, like a thin trail of a slug.

As he removes his hand from you.

Book, how does that man's hands get so moist?

It doesn't make any sense.

I don't want to talk about it.

I think he's very well hydrated.

I don't want to talk about it.

All right, well, that's Crandall taking care of.

I guess next is up is Maple.

Should we go speak to them ourselves and bring Meanie in with us?

How many days has it been since we were home?

Been at least three, right?

Three, I think it's been exactly three.

Our first escapade was basically a full day's worth, right?

And then it took two days for us to recover.

And then right at the tail end of that last second day, we booked it out of there after the disaster that unfolded.

I would like to write a letter to Maple that goes a little something like this.

My dearest Maple, I regret to inform you that I will now be meeting you on this occasion, but I have sent a small token of my appreciation of your extension of my deadline in the form of this individual.

He will be able to assist you with any medical tasks that you have and comes with a small smattering of supplies in the form of band-aids and a Bluetooth headset.

We assure you that we will return.

Why the fuck did you just interrupt me?

This is gold.

This is an amazing note.

I was in the middle of writing my letter.

This is an incredible note.

You totally interrupted my train of thought.

I was reading over your shoulder.

You clearly were not.

I was reading what you should have wrote.

But then I crunch up the piece of paper and I throw it out the window of the car and I start over and I write all of that.

But then I add this individual is a medical professional and a medical assistant and a medical professional will be able to help you.

And then I take out my first aid kit that I keep in the jeep that has exactly a quarter of a tube of Neosporin and one Band-Aid and one piece of gauze.

And I hand it to Meanie and he goes.

Okay, thanks.

Thanks guys for the ride back and maybe saving me or maybe destroying my home.

I haven't really come to terms with it yet.

We saved you, for sure.

I mean, you were clinically dead.

You had a nuclear power plant with a savage AI that you guys had harnessed and tied to a essentially, what do you call it when you chain a dog?

Yeah, I didn't know that, but thanks.

We should probably go get the spy and get the fuck out of here before anybody sees us.

Should we talk to anybody, do anything, or should we just poke it out of here?

Well, we got to go to my cave because that's where the traveling tradesmen are.

And so I take us to the cave.

I want to look at the mirror, see if the mirror is showing anything interesting, and then I think we should while you handle your spider pickup.

Okay, I'll go check it out.

I think this is exactly probably the perfect timing.

I think he said it was going to be ready in a few days anyway, so hopefully it's done.

We're so good at transition scenes.

We really are.

We're just so good at it.

So smooth.

Yep, you make it back, you see SlimothyGemothy dousing off his hands.

I forgot that's his name.

But that wasn't the guy who was working on the spider, was it?

It was SlimothyGemothy and then the guy working.

Who was the guy, the name of the guy?

CleverHantz.

CleverHantz.

How do you remember all this shit?

God, that's impressive.

And SlimothyGemothy sees you coming and he goes, Oh, wow, I was starting to be a little bit worried there because we got to head out very soon.

But you're back to pick up the spider?

Yeah, this has been fixed.

Is it ready?

Yeah, let me tell you.

And he puts his arm around Jenny Leeds' clothes.

He's like, CleverHantz was very impressed with the trade that you worked out.

So I think he threw in a little bit extra.

And since he finished, he worked quite quickly.

But when he finished, he was all over whatever that weird thing you gave him is.

He's super excited about it.

So you've really made a friend here.

Well, yeah, let's check it out, Slimothy.

The more Book hears, the more certain he is that that was a critical piece of technology that they needed to defeat the AI.

Ocean turns to Book and...

Oh, I thought Book came with it.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, but never mind.

Do you want to be here?

You can be.

I feel like I walked up with Ocean, and when he went to go get the spider, I was going to go to get my mirror to look at it.

Well, then in that case, Slimothy, as he directs Ocean towards this, what is clearly the spider with a big tarp over top of it, he looks down at Book's fucked up cane sword sheath, and he goes, oh, pretty fancy sword you have there.

It seems to be a little fucked up.

Would you like a new holster for that?

I do believe the term is scabbard.

I'm not one of our blacksmiths, but I'm sure we have something that fits that.

Do you think you'd be able to?

Yeah, do you think?

Yeah, do you think?

What do you got to trade?

Do you want to?

Can I have a moment to think about that?

Yeah, yeah, just come back.

No problem.

Go take a load off in your own home.

It's all good.

Do you want some food?

Can I just give you some food?

I got some cans of food.

Do you want to trade?

Yeah, maybe, but I think if you got a cool book, I'd be more interested.

I'll go think about the books.

It's like giving away a small book.

It's like tossing a child every time he gives a book away.

Book walks into his little cave to both look at the mirror and then look at the books that he's okay with parting with.

I'm going to stick with Ocean for a second here, and we'll go back to your mirror investigation.

All right, I'm excited.

Oh, it's been so long since we had a good spider.

Clever Hans comes up and gives you just a grunt and pulls off the cover, and you see the spider looks like it's had some significant improvements.

You see that snorkel that he mentioned adding to it so it should be able to work.

There was a ton of exposed wires inside of it that he's all fully insulated, and more than what he mentioned before of just making it so you guys should be able to drive through water, he has actually fully sealed the inside so you're able to be completely submerged and be okay.

And it's not done, like it's done very well, but it still definitely looks like a hunk of junk, like he used a bunch of like, gorilla glue around the edges to make the seal and there's like a lot of duct tape, but you can tell it works very well.

Yeah, but you can tell he has sealed like every possible surface of this.

And he describes that the snorkel completely works, but you're actually able to fully submerge if you activate this lever here and it'll block off the exhaust, but your car will start filling up with all of the exhaust that would normally be going out the snorkel.

So it's a very limited effect, but you're able to be completely submerged and he guarantees your vehicle as well as all of the spider unique mechanisms will work while under water.

Yes, and we'll get carbon monoxide poisoning.

And you will slowly get carbon monoxide poisoning.

As long as we don't stay in too long, we're fine.

Ocean runs his hands along the spider and a single tear runs down his eyes, and he turns to the clever Hamlet and goes, It's beautiful.

Thank you.

I'll cherish it forever.

He just leans in and gives you a big hug.

What did you plan on doing with that thing I gave you?

Everything.

Back at Book.

I love that Ocean is forming all of these wonderful, beautiful friendships, and everybody fucking hates Book.

Well, I mean, maybe if you kick them in the nuts so often.

So your vehicle already has the off-road tag, I believe.

So it can't be more off-road, but you can say like submersible if you want to add that tag to it.

So strengths are rugged, off-road, and submersible.

I'm just writing this down now, because it's previously just written horribly on my piece of paper.

So its weaknesses are still sloppy and cramped, and then it's still Speed 0, Handling 1, and Armor 1.

Nothing changed there?

Yes.

I'm tired of just taunting Brady, so I'm now going to very explicitly tell you...

I was going to say the next time we see Book, his hair is disheveled, he has like stress creases on his face, his eyes are bloodshot, and he's holding the box set of Lewis Carroll's...

or not Lewis Carroll's, CS.

Lewis's entire Narnia series.

Excellent.

Yeah, I know he will absolutely accept that as a trade.

He finds you very nice.

It was actually the scabbard of another cane sword that looks pretty similar to yours.

So it's like someone would have to look real close to tell it's not made with the same handle.

And he finds you that.

You think it was probably nicer than the one you had, but okay.

But if you want to figure out anything about the mirrors, you actually have to do tinkering.

Oh, oh!

Which you've never done before.

You keep in a rush saying, while I'm doing these 12 things, I swing by and look at the mirror.

So Ocean and Clever Hans has his moment.

Onishin drives over to Book's, comes into Book's place and...

Book is crying.

Book's like, oh, what's going on, Book?

You okay there?

Narnia.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He pats Book on the shoulder and was like, I know that Book meant a lot to you.

Book definitely, it's a series.

First of all, there's like seven books.

Book definitely read them to Ocean at one point as well.

Oh, that's sweet.

I accept that as truth.

I take that 100% as canon.

When we were driving in the spider to kill time, we would read Narnia.

Oh, that's...

Yeah, Ocean's like, oh, man.

Well, he told us the stories.

We read them all together, so we'll always be in our head, Book.

Always in our head.

And he like rustles his hair.

Yeah.

Always in our head and in our hearts.

Oh, Vesuvius, you didn't get to read Narnia.

It's okay.

I'll tell you the story.

It starts with a brother.

He starts snoring.

Ocean, I don't know how long we're going to be gone this time, because I didn't think that we'd be in Subtropolis for that long, but we were there for a few days, and I just don't want to miss an opportunity to get some more answers.

Do you think you could take a look at this mirror?

There's nothing in it right now, but even so, I think there's got to be some information we can gather about it just from the way it's oriented and what I saw before.

Yeah, of course.

Let me see it.

Can he touch the mirror from where he is?

Yeah, you can get over to it.

It's like a pretty small mirror on a desk pointed up through this crack.

Imagine a makeup mirror, but it's kind of ornate.

Angled up and cool.

I'm picturing brass, brass fixture.

So Ocean goes up to it and he puts both hands around it and holds it, and he's going to use thingspeak.

Give me your thingspeak roll.

I have more weirds, so I'm hoping I'll be more successful, because I don't think I've ever gotten more than like a mixed success on a damn thingspeak.

My god!

It's a full success!

That's a 12!

By Jove.

Is that three questions?

Yeah, three questions.

The disparity between the seven through nine and ten plus on thingspeak is so wild.

Okay.

As Ocean kind of like touches it and feels it, he kind of closes his eyes like, Book, I can sense in some stuff about this.

What do you want to know about it?

And the options we can do are who handled this last?

Who made this?

What strong emotions have been recently near this?

What words have been said most recently near it?

What has done most recently with this or to this?

And what's wrong with it?

And how might I fix it?

Book is going to look at Ocean and be like, I just want to know what it was used for and if there's something wrong with it, like, can we fix it?

And then, I don't know, like, I just wish I could hear my dad's voice, you know, telling me what I need to do.

Okay, in that place, we're going to pick what words have been said most recently nearby this, what has been done most recently with this, and what's wrong with it and how might I fix it?

Ocean, you touched this little mirror that's angled in just the perfect way to go up this huge crack, and as you touch it, your brain shoots through the purpose of this item, and you see, you feel yourself almost getting dragged along this crevasse between these rocks, and it reaches up and actually reflects off of another mirror that's somewhere up further in the crack and goes further up and up, and you feel yourself rising more and more, which probably gives you a sense of terror.

Then there's suddenly just this burst of air you feel, and you just feel rejuvenated, and you try to look around, but you're slurped back down all the way to the bottom.

You feel yourself looking into this mirror, and you see something that Book can't see right now, which is this gibbous moon that's almost full.

You've probably never seen a moon before, and you don't read, so you probably have no idea what that is.

But you see this moon, and you hear this voice, and Ocean, you hear, this means we can do it.

It's up there.

The world's fine.

It's not filled with toxic gas.

There's not nuclear winter.

We're able to see it, and we're able to track it, and it comes when it's supposed to come.

There's not been a massive comet that hit the surface and knocked us out of our orbit.

It's what everyone wrote down.

It's what we expect.

It's working just as it always did for millennia before we for some reason went into this godforsaken Earth.

And in this vision, you look down and you see he has this just incredibly detailed series of notes that are documenting all the phases of this, the times of the day that it is visible or not.

You can't read, so you don't know what those times of the day are, unfortunately.

You can tell there's a lot of just very detailed documentation associated with it.

And the thing you do recognize is this picture of a full moon cycle going all the way through a new moon, all the way back to a new moon over a period of time that you can't understand because you are illiterate.

Stupid.

From those reflections as you shot up through it, you notice that a lot of it you have to just be lucky and be there at the right time when it shows up.

You don't notice anything else besides it being able to see the moon.

That's the only indication you got from anything else.

You think with some very minor adjustments, you may be able to get a wider period of time where stuff is visible because just out of character, you're getting a pinhole view of the moon, so it has to both be overhead and in that particular cycle.

So it's very infrequently that it actually shows up, but you think you could do some adjustments to maybe increase that window a little bit.

Wow.

I like your little, your little, the speaky, speaky touchy.

Yeah, it's super useful.

So Ocean exhales and he turns to Book and is like, I heard him.

I heard your dad.

Wait, you did?

He was talking to Maggie.

He said that the surface that it's they said it's fine.

They said that something's up, that there's nothing going on up there.

There's nothing up there to prevent them from not going.

They said they can do it.

I don't know what they play on doing, but I think they left to go to the surface.

And then I saw this and Ocean grabs a pen and he draws the moon cycle that he saw in the picture.

And it's like, I don't know what it is, but it was this big, bright object in this up in the air.

And they had notes and pictures of this.

And that's what the mirror shows.

That's what this whole thing's for.

It's to look at this object.

This crack goes all the way up to the surface.

And I think I can, I think we might be able to make this better.

With a little work, I bet we can probably make this almost let us see anything up there.

Wow.

That's pretty cool.

I'm glad I didn't move it.

Glad I didn't move that mirror.

Book kind of pushes down the frustration that Ocean got to hear the voice that up until the last time Book watched that video, he hadn't heard for like 12 years, I want to say.

He goes, thanks, Ocean.

It means a lot.

I appreciate that you were able to do that for me.

Sounds like your parents were really impressive people.

They seemed to figure out a lot of stuff.

There was notes sprawled all over this place.

I wonder if you can find them.

Yeah, I wonder that too.

And then Book smushes his face into the crevice, and he tries to take a deep breath and see if anything happens.

Do you feel like anything happens?

Nothing happens.

But he takes several breaths, where he's trying to pull air from the surface.

Whereas he's breathing in through the crevice and then breathing out behind him.

Yeah, you don't feel anything, but you can feel something if you think you can.

So then Book turns around and goes, Ocean, do you know what this means?

What?

There's breathable air up there somewhere.

There's breathable air down here?

What else have we been breathing this whole time?

Well, I'm saying if we left the surface because the air wasn't breathable, it is now, or it never was not breathable.

Maybe my parents were right.

I mean, maybe they're just up there waiting for me.

I mean, maybe, but why would they not come back?

Why would they just stay up there?

They said that everything was fine, but from what I could see, all they could see was that one object in the air.

I don't know how that proved any of their theories about that nothing happened.

We came down here for a reason, I assume.

There's something I think they probably must be missing.

Well, Ocean, there's one thing we do know.

The psychic maelstrom was manmade, so maybe the Apocalypses was too.

End of session moves, everyone.

At the end of every session, choose a character who knows you better than they used to.

Tell that player to add plus one to their HX with you on their sheet.

If more than one character knows better, choose at most two.

So remember, we can choose NPCs.

Most of your friends have died.

Yeah, somebody we know better.

Except for Crandall.

Oh, Crandall.

Yeah.

Wait, do we have a...

We should have HX with fake Suvius.

I don't think we do yet.

I don't have fake Suvius written down here.

Yeah, I'm thinking we should.

I think I'm definitely going to use fake Suvius.

So you guys both want fake Suvius?

Yeah, I want to put him on here for history.

I think that makes sense.

I think both of you can go to plus one with him.

At the end of each session, judge for yourself.

Are you satisfied with your place in the world?

Definitely not.

Get one XP.

Yeah, Book is also not.

At the end of the session, judge for yourself.

Does your scavenge choice still hold true?

I think so.

I definitely think so.

Then get plus one XP.

Any of you level up or anything?

I am one away.

No.

One away.

Okay, well, you have an end of session move to perform.

Interrogating realities, I believe.

That is correct.

And I can mark one of my mysteries.

The mystery or the sub-mystery that I would like to mark true slash or false is the AI that we interacted with in the hospital lives in the psychic maelstrom.

Is that your question?

That's my mystery.

Or that maybe not lives in but is connected to, is eternally connected to the psychic maelstrom.

It is true.

Thank you so much for listening to Oops!

All Apocalypses this week.

We are very bad at social media, so if you wouldn't mind just hopping over to your social media account with the most friends and typing, Hey, I can't hold it in anymore.

This podcast is pretty good, and I think some of you would like to listen to it.

Find it at www.stu.cool.listen.

That's Stu, S-T-U.

The music and editing was performed by the aforementioned Stu Masterson.

That logo is by Brady McDonough.

And Jacob runs the merch table.

Love you, bye.

Bye.

Do you say, straighter?

Straighter, right?

They call them straighter.

Yeah.