Whether you are a student living on campus or a student commuter, the stressors and lessons you learn contribute towards shaping the adult you will become. Both experiences have merit in allowing you to broaden your expectations of who you are, what you are capable of, and what activities and groups you want to bring into your life. In Episode 9, Part 1 of 2 of Finding Your Balance: A Mental Health Podcast presented by Peace River Center and Southeastern College, Kirk Fasshauer and Tiffani Fritzsche discuss their vastly different college experiences and how they influenced who they are today.

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Thank you for joining us today for part one of our two part series as we take a

look at the mental health challenges of being a residential versus commuter student.

If you're listening for the first time, welcome. My name is Tiffany. I'm a licensed

mental health counselor and I'm joined here by Kirk. Hello. Kirk Fassauer, director

of crisis services at Peace River Center and a licensed clinical social worker.

So Kirk and I are friends but we're also both counselor and social worker, and we

love to get together and talk about mental health topics and also ways that we can

support our community by reducing stigma. So today we are talking about the very

specific stressors related to living on campus versus commuting during the early

adulthood years of college life. >> Right, right. >> And so Kirk, I was a first

-generation college student and I was able to live on campus during my time away and

I can tell you there are a lot of very specific stressors that you face you know

moving away from home for the first time. Good this is perfect because I am also a

first -time generation college goer but I was a commuter and so our different our

experiences were probably very, very different than a different kind of stress and

different kind of campus experience I'm sure as a result.

So I know, you know, thinking about, you know, the preparation for moving away, for

me, there was a lot of guilt. So on one hand, you know, I'm excited, you know,

this is a dream of not only, you know, of mine, but also of my family. They had

worked very, very hard, you know, they struggled and it was their dream that their

child would go to college, you know, something that they had been unable to do,

just to, you know, do the life circumstances, but also I think that a lot of it

was them being able to fulfill that dream through their child.

So there was this sense of I've got to do this for my family and I'm carrying

this weight of like our legacy, but also that really true sense of I'm leaving my

family at the time, you know, my father had passed away when I was 15 and so,

you know, as my mom and my younger sister and myself, and I really had probably

stepped into a parental role without the permission of my sister and not appreciated

by my sister but you know anytime there's a change in your family dynamics there's

a change in your family dynamics and I know that it was a very weird situation of

I felt guilty leaving because part of me absolutely felt like a 17 year old kid

you know starting in college but the other part of me felt like I'm an intricate

part of this family system, and if I leave, there's gonna be another hole.

So there was a guilt associated with leaving. - Yeah, you know, there's that

transition. I mean, like you said, the family anticipation of you going off to

college and making that step and leading the way.

And then there's also the sense, while it's still exciting, don't misunderstand what

I'm saying here as far as going off to college can be an adventure, it could be

very exciting, and you love your family, you care for your family, some people are

like, "I need to get out of here as quickly as possible." And here's that

opportunity. It's also, you've got some loss issues to contend with it,

as in your um, the loss of those connections you had back in your home if you

moved far away. And I know some colleges, uh, for freshman year,

they require that you actually live in the dorms now, uh, which was not the case

in, or at least I never even explored that I should say, but I don't think it was

the case when I was an undergrad. And so, uh, the options there for for going away

you got the grief and loss the change in social networking but there's that's one

of the the pros to having lived on campus would be to have that immediate access

to a lot of resources a lot of socializing that goes on well I would say that's

true because so you know growing up in a very small town, I think that we had the

time had three red lights, one flashing light, and so everyone knew you,

everyone knew everyone. If you weren't related to someone, you knew them at least,

and so I had never been known, just for me,

I had only ever been known within the context of she's so -and -so's daughter, or

she's so -and -so's sister, right, and so like The people that knew me knew me as

part of that family unit, right? And so no one knew me just me just Tiffani And so

I moved away to college, you know several hours away still in Florida And actually

one of my childhood friends she was my roommate So we went together and I actually

have a picture of both of her mom's pregnant with us, you know in the picture And

so we've known each other literally before we were born and so I remember going

there and there was a sense of comfort in that somebody knows me somebody is able

to anchor me because she knows the real me but no one else does and no one else

knows what I'm good at or what I'm known for or the things that make me special

so there was this level of I've got to prove myself and I've never had to do that

So I was going to ask you, yeah, so with that, you know, because that happens for

a lot of our listeners and viewers that they, they're going to have that total

disconnect from their social support network, which is stressful and difficult

sometimes. Did you see that as an opportunity to change?

Because if there were parts of me that in my social circle I was like eh I could

probably do something better and I had an opportunity to change I could do that in

this kind of situation kind of reinvent yourself you know did you see that as that

or as an opportunity to I think like you said prove yourself yeah well definitely I

think that there was this kind of like both because on one side you know for those

of you know in the world, those of you that have known me, you know, personally,

people have described me as having a very big personality and as being alive,

you know, loud and all of these things. And I remember specifically my friend that

was my roommate one time we were going away and we were flying for the first time.

So she and I experienced a lot of firsts together. And I remember her sitting me

aside and saying, "I don't want to get arrested. I'm I'm gonna need you to be on

your best behavior in the airport, which like, I wasn't wild, but just like,

you know,

I have a big personality, you know, I like to make people laugh, those sorts of

things, and I always felt that maybe it was too big for the people around me,

right? So I felt this need to be more contained 'cause it was too much for the

people that knew me. And looking back, it wasn't. Like, I was just an extrovert, if

you will, surrounded by people who were not. And the really exciting thing was

whenever I got to college, I had this moment of, oh, there are people like me

that feel comfortable being funny and silly and, you know,

in drama classes or, you know, whatever. - Wow, okay. - And it made me feel like,

there's not something wrong with me. I just have had a very small world experience,

and now my world is opening up a little bit, so it's a little bit bigger. - Okay.

- And so that was really nice that I felt like I had permission to like, be me,

without disappointing anybody that knew me, me, right? Right. But then I also had

really the best of both worlds because I had that roommate who had known me my whole

life. And so if I was feeling this is a lot or if I was feeling alone or that

nobody really knew me because no one really did, I had her to kind of anchor me.

So that was really a nice experience. I will say though, there was this still this

sense of disconnection because so she would go home every month you know every other

weekend it felt like she would drive home and I didn't really have the desire to

do that and I think it's because that sense of autonomy that would like

separating you know it gave me permission to be a kid it gave me permission to not

be the other grown -up in the family system, and it made me realize,

well, maybe that wasn't so healthy, and maybe it wasn't my role to be the other

parent or to be the other grown -up in the family, and no one had asked me to do

that, right? - Right, right. - I think of that on myself, but it made me feel like,

okay, I can just be a 17 -year -old person, and there was a lot you know,

responsible freedom that came into that, and I felt a weight lifted off my shoulder

because I didn't feel like it was my responsibility now to be responsible for my

family. But I found that I would avoid going home because whenever I would go home,

I would get pulled back into that old dynamic, and no one was asking me to,

but I found myself doing it. Okay. Cool. So it was hard to separate Tiffani,

you know, the freshman in college from Tiffani, the daughter, Tiffani, the child,

because when our environment changed, you know, we change. - Right. - And then when

we go back to an old environment, tend to acclimate. - We go back to the role we

had before. - And that's a weird place to be. So for you, I know, you know, you

did commute. And so like for me, I found myself almost like a boomerang, you know,

really figuring out, well, who am I really? Because there's a version of me, and

both the versions were okay, they were appropriate, but there was a version of me

at school because I'm learning, how do I live on my own? How do I make these

decisions? How do I be responsible for myself as an adult? And then very quickly

moving to, oh, I'm still a kid. I'm still someone’s child, I still have to follow

their rules. And so it really did feel for quite some time like, "Well gosh,

where's the middle ground?" And also like when I go home, does my parent see me as

an adult who can make her own decisions because I am basically managing,

you know, my life as an adult at college, or does she still see me as a child

with a curfew and all these other things associated with being a kid? The house

rules, right? - Yeah, so for you as a commuter, gosh, you didn't have that quite

separation. What was it like? - Well, that, in some ways,

I think, it helped in some ways. One, it helped in the financial realm.

You're able to save some money in the sense that I had to travel back and forth

and didn't have the expense of the dorm life. I didn't have to spend extra money

for meals and things like this. And I'd go home to home-cooked meals as opposed

to, whatever was in the cafeteria or whatever it was I picked up. - Lots of ramen.

- Yeah, I was gonna say, yeah, the ramen experience.

So for me, I was going back into that element that support system of family and

friends.

The commuting back and forth was in some ways helpful in that sense.

Frustrating in that I had to commute back and forth to school. I've got to deal

with traffic in the morning before I start my first class. And so I had to make

sure when I signed up for classes, what's the time frame? Nobody wants to start off

their first set of classes at 8:30 in the morning. or even earlier, depending on

how the schedule worked. - So how far away were you from your college? - I was

about, let's see, my commute for undergrad was about just a little over an hour.

- So every day you'd have to drive? - Every day. - That you had classes? - Every

day, and you know, in doing my schedule, I tried to clump them together so that I

only drove once. Now, I hung around campus all day, but then you're lured into

other things when you've got wide gaps. You get a class in the morning, you don't

have another class for four hours. So there's, what do I do during that four hours?

Do I drive home? Do I stay on campus? I usually stayed on campus. I did some

studies or did some other things, hung out at the student center,

things like that and got my social experience that way as opposed, and hearing about

other things and other things happening, but then I'm like, well, I gotta drive

home. - Do you feel like you kind of felt left out of the social experience to a

degree? - Because you could never fully commit to it 'cause you had to go home.

- That's a good word. The commitment to the campus life was not as strong for me

as a commuter, because there is a bit of a disconnect. Because I had the huge

safety net of my family and my friends back at home, and I didn't have to

necessarily force my socialization on campus. The socialization I had was much more

of the time that I spent at the Student and connecting with people there saying,

having shared classes, but anything outside of that, such as, you know, activities

that go on at night for those that live there. I mean, there were some activities

that my class ends, if my last class for the day was,

you know, early afternoon, most events don't happen until like after six or

something. So, okay, do I hang out or do I go home, you know,

do whatever I need to do at home and come back. So the answer to that was

sometimes yes. Sometimes yes I stayed at home, sometimes I went home, sometimes I

commuted back to the event I wanted to see. Other times I stayed on campus and

hung out. I think it's

social, like your socialization kind of came from like being in the student centers

or places like that because I'm thinking through to my experience and I didn't go

to the student center you know if I if I was in class I was in class or the

cafeteria or if I was done with class I would go to my dorm room you know what I

mean I wasn't just like kind of loitering around for a lack of a better word and so

what I find is that I didn't have as many just like random friendships that would

develop. They were really out of convenience or situational. So,

you know, we became good friends with our dorm mates or, you know, if we had a

study group or if I was a part of a club, but it was a very intentional,

really out of convenience that you are the people that I'm around. and so whereas

like you know you went to the student center because like number one like you

weren't at home so you couldn't go to your dorm room but number two that you went

to a place of socialization to intentionally have interaction with your peers right

and I lived on campus and I did not I went to my dorm room because you know I

was tired or I needed to do homework or I needed to prepare for my next class and

so I think that's so interesting so even though I was on campus I wonder if maybe

you might have had more during the day experiences socializing because during the day

you know I was back and forth from my dorm if I had a break I'd go and sleep or

I'd go you know do my homework um a lot of my socialization came in the evenings or it

came at six o 'clock or when they would have the student events. I will say that

being on campus and not knowing anyone but my roommate and a lot of people come to

campus and they don't know anyone at all. I feel that I jumped right in to a lot

of student activities because I wanted to find what I liked.

I wanted to find, Well, what am I even going to enjoy doing in this season because

your interest changed over time? And so even in high school, I had been very

involved with, you know, campus events or teams, you know, sports, things like that.

And so I wanted to find out, well, who am I in this season? And so I was very

involved. You know, I was an RA for a handful of years. And so I really did try

to stay active in student culture. But that's so interesting because I absolutely

went to my dorm room during the day. That is funny. That's right. And you're right.

The student center, the library, those were the two key places I went to. The

library because I'm just a book nerd and love to read. So the quiet place was

nice. The student center had the coffee shop. So, you know, that's where I

gravitated to the most and like that kind of environment even before coffee shops

really became a big thing.

And you know, go have coffee with somebody that I met in class and hey, let's talk

about the class and talk about similar interests that we may have had and then

they'd have other friends that they've met that come in and join. So we had a

little group that we would hang around together and talk about different things and

different lifestyles too, which was it was kind of interesting. And some of the

activities that I had hoped to that I would have gotten involved in, there really

wasn't that opportunity or there wasn't that time because not only did I Commute

home, but I also had a job so to help pay for the books and things that I had

so the working

As well as going to school made it Even more challenging because there were some

activities that I didn't Didn't get to because of the work.

I gotta pay for the bills Which you've learned early on well and thinking about

those like practical like practical realities of sleep and food and expenses.

I'm thinking through my first semester what it was like and I can tell you, there

definitely was this sense of finding a rhythm because at home, your parents,

if you're living with parents at home, they typically are gonna dictate how late you can

stay out or they're gonna dictate, Okay, it's time for bed, or this is what we're

having for dinner, and that was not the case. So nobody was my home monitor telling

me, okay, it's time for you to go to bed. Nobody was my home monitor telling me,

all right, the night's over, or even in the cafeteria making sure that I ate a

balanced meal, which might sound silly, but a lot of freshmen struggle with their

weight the first semester. You know, they joke, the campus that I went to,

it was a joke that they would say, "Oh, the freshman 15," because it's very

stressful starting campus, but also when you have kind of the permission to eat

whatever you want, and no one's like fixing you a balanced meal, right?

And so, myself included, we all went straight to the burger and fries line every

night. It seemed like an unlimited soda because usually you have to pay for soda,

it was included in the meal plan and so my family didn't buy a lot of that. You

had water, milk, and sweet tea in our house. That's what you had. We didn't buy

soda. And so a lot of us really had no balance the first semester because a lot

of stress eating, but also eating what tasted good, not eating what was healthy for

us to eat. - Healthy necessarily, right, right. Yeah, with the commute back and

forth, I mean, one of the things my family put in place was Okay,

you're you're risk you're gonna be a responsible adult and so You talk about house

rules one things I had to do because I was working and going to college and Going

back and forth was to pay room and board. So I contributed to the household

expenses. Did you really? Yes? Yes, so I learned early on the the importance of a

budget Because I also had to pay for my gas to get back and forth to school and

the upkeep of my car, which if that broke down you learn to use public transit to

get to classes or you miss class. I mean you had those choices and yeah so there

was a different kind of struggle, different learning experience, but I do think it

contributed to my independent nature. I'm one that's independent,

and I also do take some risks and explore. I think that helped contribute to some

of that, and it prepared me for more adult life. Yeah.

Well, you are very good at adapting. I have found, and you're very good at problem

-solving. I feel like no matter what situation comes your way, you take a minute,

you process it, and you move forward. And I've never seen you in a situation to

where someone presented an issue and you're like, well, gosh, I don't know what to

do. You assess the situation and you do the next best thing. - Yeah,

and I think that that's part of having grown up in that style and transitioning

into adulthood is, you know, here, you've got, The foundation was there.

I mean, my parents gave me a very good foundation for independence and Because I

learned to cook on my own at a very young age Because it might my household my

parents both had to work So I was what's referred to as a latchkey kid. So after

school I come home and I unlock the door and That's the name latchkey And go in

the house and do my studies and my brothers and sisters would come home from school

and We'd be there alone for for several hours Until my parents came home from work.

That's how we we lived and so Yeah, I learned to cook early on on my own and

things like that. So see I did not I come from a very southern family And I know

every family is different right, but my mom cooked every meal, she did everyone's

laundry, and it's not that we didn't want to do it, we weren't asked to do it,

and it did not occur to us to do it, right? And so whenever I went to college,

I think I've told you before, I had someone, I had a guy on campus approach me

and say, "Hey, you know, I'll pay you $10 a load if you can do my laundry." And

I said no, but And secretly, it was also because I didn't know how,

right, but I didn't want to say that out loud. And so thank goodness for, and it

sounds so silly, but thank goodness for my friend and thank goodness for the

internet because I didn't learn these things. And I should have, I think there

should have been some sense of like, maybe I should have known to like, prepare

myself in this way. But my friend who was my roommate, she was one of several

siblings and she knew. I think she was born knowing how to do all these things.

And so I learned so much, but I remember really trying to figure out,

oh, what do I do? Like, how do I do this? What do I not know? And even learning

how to cook. Some things I learned from watching other people and some things I

learned from Googling it and like, how do I make this? How do I do that? Because

I didn't know. But also there was this sense of embarrassment of probably all of my

peers know and I don't. And I know you and I have talked before of social media

can be a hindrance to our self -esteem and also to our mental health. But the

internet can also be a very powerful tool of equipping you for things that maybe

you don't know and you don't want anyone else to know you don't know. - Right,

right, and it's a great thing. Unfortunately, during my formative years,

internet did not exist. - Well, there was no internet for you. (laughing) - No, no,

so it was hands -on learning. And funny you mentioned laundry, in our house,

our apartment, 'cause we lived in an apartment, and

The washing machine was a giant tub on wheels that you had to roll out of the

corner and put by the kitchen sink. So it took, it was quite a production. You've,

the hose ran from the kitchen sink into the tub to run the water through and the

drain ran into the drain of the sink. And it had these rollers, which is what the

rollers did was squeezed out the water of the clothes.

Oh my goodness. As you, as you wash it you'd feed it through to. So the most

complicated part for me was knowing which button to push. So you and I had a very

different experience. Nope, nope. Or how much detergent do I put in? So you really,

you had quite an experience. It was hands -on. Oh yeah. Big time hands -on. And if

you weren't careful, sometimes You could get your hand stuck in the roller. That was

the biggest fear. - One of the things I think, you know, looking back, you know,

talking about the formative years, like what shaped you, there were so many moving

pieces of my college experience. So, you know, we did struggle financially at times.

And so I've lost track of how many, you know, jobs I had during campus,

but also how many on -campus jobs I was able to have, which I know this might have

been different for you, but because I lived on campus, I was able to start early,

early in the morning, or I could do something late, late at night. I did, you

know, I have the ability to have a car, but my first, you know, several, not

several semesters, but my first couple of semesters, I worked on campus, and so I

didn't need a car, so I really didn't use a lot of gas, and so I was a teacher's

assistant. I worked, you know, in this place. I did that, I did this, and so it

was really nice to be able to have those experiences, which probably was a benefit

of living on campus. But also, I think that helped shape my ability to time manage

because I had to have a lot of moving pieces. I had to have a lot of schedules

that had to line up, and I had to be very intentional about my time because I had

to be here from this time to this time, then I had to be here, then here, then

here, and all of these times answer to a different person. And so looking back,

I can definitely see now that that has benefited me because even in the midst of a

lot of things going on, you take a breath, you look at your schedule and you do

it, you make it work. And so I think that that did help strengthen my threshold of

you can do a lot of things, you can have a tight schedule, you still need your self

care to be able to make that sustainable, but you can be busy for short periods of

time as long as you're balancing it and I think that helped me to develop a

threshold of not being so overwhelmed because life can be very busy.

If you enjoyed our show, please hit the like and subscribe button. If you or

someone you know is struggling with any mental health issues. Locally here in Central

Florida, you can call us at 863 -519 -3744. Or if you're listening from areas outside

of Florida, you can dial the national number 988.