HOW TO DEAL WITH ADULT CHILDREN DURING A DIVORCE. EP 99. 

HOST: Beverly Price, Divorce & Empowerment Coach 

GUEST: Linda Hershman, Licenced Marriage and Family Therapist 

SUMMARY: 

In the tumultuous process of divorce, our focus tends to gravitate toward the younger ones caught in the midst of it all, inadvertently sidelining the experiences of adult children, who can also be profoundly affected. Adult children are often unfairly perceived as resilient and self-reliant individuals capable of weathering any storm, a misconception that discredits their feelings and emotional experiences during their parents' separation. In this episode of Her Empowered Divorce, your Host, Beverly Price, talks to Linda Hershman, a returning guest who is a Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist and the author of Gray Divorce. They discuss this lesser-explored topic: gray divorce and its impact on older children and why acknowledging the vulnerability of adult children and providing them with the support they need is as crucial as safeguarding the interests of the younger ones.

Divorce doesn’t have to be a death sentence. With the right support and guidance, you can move through the process with knowledge, skills, and confidence. If you’d like to schedule a complimentary private consultation, reach out to Beverly at: https://beverly-price.as.me/Consultation. 

Visit https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/her-empowered-divorce/id1635143315 to access the entire archive of Her Empowered Divorce episodes, and while you’re there, please subscribe, rate, and review our show! 

KEY TAKEAWAYS: 

• What is the phenomenon of adult children and divorce? Divorce's impact on adult children is considered part of ambiguous losses. These are losses that are not recognized by society as losses and for which there is no community support.
• It’s not simple for adult children of divorce (ACODs); they experience many losses, such as family traditions, financial losses, and broken promises, that may devastate them. Listen to them, ask them, validate their feelings, and encourage them to get their own support.
• Why is parent splitting when children are first going to college the worst time ever? Going to college is a transition time, and divorce impedes this transition. Children get stuck with one leg at school and the other at home and are constantly worrying about what is going on at home.
• What is the financial implication of divorce on ACODs? So many adult children organize their lives around their parents' promises, but they are broken by divorce and loss of childcare.
• Regardless of your child's age, don’t put them in the middle of your divorce. Your children are your children, not your friends; do not lean on them for any support, get your own support system in place, and don’t look to your adult children to parent you. 

NOTABLE QUOTES:

• People tend to assume that because ACODs are adults, they have their own lives, and they can understand what is happening and deal with it, but in reality, ACODs suffer very different and sometimes even worse losses in the divorce process than their younger counterparts. (Linda)
• Remember, even though they are adults, they will always be your children; don’t lean on them as if they were your friends. Don’t complain about the other spouses or make your children feel sorry for you that they become the parent-to-parent and fix you. (Beverly)
• The worst time for parents to split up is when their kids are first going off to college. Going to college is a transition time; it is a time of individualization, establishing one's identity, meeting new people, and learning who one is. (Linda) 
• Your children are not an aggregate; each child has their own personality and processing style, so don’t treat them as a cluster; give attention to each of them. (Linda) 
• When adult children become a caretaker to their parents, it’s a double-edged sword because it’s a heavy responsibility that should not be their responsibility, so make sure you are not putting your child in that role. (Linda) 
• ACODs' feelings are feelings, and feelings are not facts; listen, ask them, and validate their feelings, encourage them to get their own support, and don’t dismiss them. (Linda) 

FURTHER RESOURCES/RELEVANT LINKS: 

Beverly’s personal Facebook page can be found at: https://www.facebook.com/beverlyprice365/

Women’s Divorce and Empowerment group discussion available at: https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorcerecovery

Her Empowered Divorce YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@HerEmpoweredDivorce1

You can find the Past Episode with Linda Hershman on Gray Divorce at https://herempowereddivorce.com/episode-82-linda-hershman

Get Linda Hershman's book on Gray Divorce at: https://lindahershman.com/#where-to-buy

ABOUT OUR GUEST: 

Linda is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who became interested in gray divorce or splitting up in later life when she noticed how many couples and individuals over age 50 in her private practice consider or pursue divorce.

She is the author of Gray Divorce: Everything You Need to Know About Later-Life Breakups and an AAMFT Approved Supervisor, preparing therapists for licensure as LMFTs. She has presented nationally and internationally on gray divorce and adult children of divorce. She is a frequent guest on podcasts and a writer of articles focusing on relationships. 

When Linda is not seeing clients, managing her group practice, the Couples and Family Wellness Center in suburban Philadelphia, and writing books and magazine articles, she loves to travel, hike, and attend craft shows. 

FOLLOW OUR GUEST: 

Website: https://lindahershman.com/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/linda-hershman-69826518

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Gray-Divorce-Book-101635665777009/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lindahershmanlmft/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/graydivorcebook

ABOUT YOUR HOST: 

Beverly Price is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach ® and Women’s empowerment coach with over 25 years of experience. Her passion lies in supporting women through every aspect of separation and divorce. She offers a comprehensive coaching experience that goes beyond just empowerment work to help clients develop their communication, conflict management, boundary setting, and negotiation skills. Beverly also provides expertise on the technical, legal, and financial aspects of the divorce process. 

CONTACT YOUR HOST: 

Website: http://www.herempowereddivorce.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/her_empowered_divorce

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/herempowereddivorce/ 

Facebook Personal: https://www.facebook.com/beverlyprice365

Facebook Group: Women’s Divorce and Empowerment Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/divorcerecovery

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7kIcMXrj1tIWBOmaXBBn1U

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@herempowereddivorce/ 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/beverly-price/

Email: beverly@herempowereddivorce.com

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Hi, beautiful. I am so excited about our episode today. I've got a great, fabulous guest who is returning to share information with us. This is Linda Hirschman. If you remember, she talked to us in the past about the trends in gray divorce. And now, a topic that's really near and dear to my heart that is so overlooked, and that is how to...

should we deal with adult children during the divorce? So often all the focus is on the little tiny children and the adult children are kind of thought to be, oh, well they're adults, they can handle anything. So Linda's gonna help me understand and to help you come up with ideas of what to do. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist.

And she's also the author of Grey Divorce, Everything You Need to Know About Later Life Breakups. Hi Linda, it's so good to have you here today. Thank you for coming.

Beverly, thank you so much for having me back again. And thank you for the double adjectives, great and fabulous. High bar to reach, but I'll do my best.

Ha!

Oh, you are wonderful. So tell me a little bit about the phenomena of adult children and divorce and what you're seeing.

Okay, first I want to start with a concept called ambiguous loss. And ambiguous losses, it's not, I didn't develop it. There is a book written by a psychologist called Pauline Boss, and the book is named Ambiguous Loss. But ambiguous losses refer to

Okay.

losses that generally are not recognized by society as losses for which there is no community support and for which there are no mourning rituals and generally there's a lack of closure on them as well. And the reason I bring that up is to piggyback on what you were saying about the

Okay.

And I'm going to use the acronym ACODs, adult children of divorce. So there, it's out there and now I'll just be saying ACODs for the rest of our time together. And as you said, people tend to assume that because they're adults, they can just suck it up and deal with it. That they have their own lives, that they can understand

Okay.

Okay.

Exactly, yes.

what is happening or at least understand that it is happening and deal with it. But in reality, ACODs actually suffer very different but sometimes even worse losses in the divorce process than their younger counterparts.

Mm-hmm.

Yes. Yes, they're so much more aware.

Yeah, yeah, well, but it gets into, and we'll be talking about this, it gets into a lot of family dynamics, it gets into a lot of broken promises, things like that younger children don't experience. And the reason that I got particularly interested in this is when I was writing my book, Gray Divorce, Everything You Need to Know About Later Life Breakups,

I had given it to one of my beta readers. And when she was finished reading the book, she said to me, the book is fabulous, but what about the ACOTS?

Mm-hmm.

And I had no idea what she was talking about. And of course she explained it. And then I said, you are right. What about the ACOTs? And so that became a chapter in the book and also in interest and issue that I bring up when I'm working with individuals or couples who are divorcing or divorce questioning over age 50.

Mm-hmm.

Right, right. Well, you know, a lot of times I think we think that our grown children have their own lives, they're busy, some of them have their own children, they've got jobs, and they're mature. You know, for example, mine are in their 30s. So I come across with the instant reaction of shouldn't they just be able to understand and move on?

Why is it such a big deal to them? And I've learned the hard way from feedback of my children that it is not that simple for them. What are you seeing?

Mm-hmm.

Well, and some of it does speak to exactly what you just said, that you went in with the assumption of they're mature, they should be able to understand and move on, and nobody asks them. Nobody listens to their feelings. Nobody validates their feelings. And imagine if you went,

Mm-hmm.

Right.

through a big upheaval in your family, and nobody asked you anything about how you were doing in it. So just by virtue of the fact, and that's where we get to the concept of ambiguous loss, that it's not recognized.

Right. Yep.

bright.

But to get into some more concrete reasons, there are, and just interrupt me anytime because you know me well enough to know that I can just rattle this up and talk about this ad nauseum. So, all right. So some of the obvious losses are things like loss of family traditions.

Sure. You keep going, girl.

You know, things the family always used to do together. And of course, families with younger children also experience that, although at least in this day and age, families with younger children are more likely to try to continue a lot of the family traditions. Whereas again, when the children are adults, you think, well, I don't need to do this anymore. I don't wanna be around that jerk that I just divorced.

Mm-hmm. Right.

And also, it gets really, really complicated for the ACODs when there are other divorces in the system. So you've always had Thanksgiving dinner at your mother's house, all right? Now your mother and father are divorced. Your mother has a new partner. Your father has remarried. You have a husband.

Mm-hmm. Right.

Your husband has parents who are divorced, and each of them has new partners. So as a mathematician, I make a really good therapist, but I think you can visualize all of the complications and permutations and ways that ACOTs have to try to navigate all these different families that are potentially happening here.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. Now when you're talking about an ACHI, what kind of age ranges are you thinking?

Well, traditionally we talk about, ACOG refers to age 18 and up.

Okay, he's 18.

And granted, there are differences in the ways 18 year olds process things and their emotional maturity level and the ways 28 or 38 year olds process things sometimes.

and the way a two or four year old does, yeah.

Exactly. But since we're talking about the ages, I'll give you a little fun fact here. The worst time for parents to split up is when their kids are first going off to college.

Yes, I have heard that.

Yes. And so this is where we're talking about.

And why is that? Why is that change of life for them?

because

Well, going to college is a transition time, and especially if you're going away to school. It's a transition time, and it's a time of individuation and trying to establish your own identity and meeting new people and learning who you are. And sometimes for some people, having the opportunity to be exposed to people and situations.

Mm-hmm.

for the first time that they never got if they stayed in the same neighborhood all of their lives and had the same friends throughout the times they were growing up. And so when your 18 year old goes off to college and you let them know that you're getting divorced, they can't transition, they're stuck in this limbo. They've got one foot over here in school and they've got one foot.

Right.

at home and they're constantly worrying about what is going on at home and is everybody okay?

Right, and they might not even be able to afford to go to college, right, after the parents divorce because of financial reasons, yeah.

Well, right. Yeah, and I'm actually going to talk about that in a second, but sticking with the inability to transition, pragmatic things of where am I going to be over Christmas vacation? I'm 18 and my parents going to try and impose some kind of custody or visitation schedule on me. And so they have all these questions.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

It gets even worse for ACODs of color. And yes, and this is where you are even more likely to not only run into financial issues because...

Yes, I can see that.

communities of color typically have less inheritable wealth than do Caucasian communities, but also there are a lot of responsibility issues. So when the parents divorce and they don't have many assets to begin with, then there's much less to divide. And oftentimes older parents might have to go back to work where they might have to get

Right.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

a couple of jobs and they may not be able to pay for their children's schooling. And so, yeah, the ACOT. Right.

or sell the family home that the child's used to always coming back to.

Right, and also, ACODs of color tend to, when their parents divorce, be put into roles of having more caretaking responsibilities for their younger siblings.

Yes, I can see that.

And yeah, so this is why when I'm working with people who are divorce questioning or have decided they're going to divorce, I say to them, and when it comes up that, yeah, we're just waiting until the kids go to college, and I say to them, either do it now or wait a few years. Don't do it when the kids first go to college.

Right.

I think there's such a misunderstanding about children and divorce. You know, even when children are very young, I hear the parents say they stayed in an abusive or an unloving marriage for so long because of the children. But you think about what you were role modeling for them.

you were role modeling a loveless marriage or an abusive marriage, or that's how women and men are treated. And then I would think when you're talking about adult children, it can be even more significant because they can understand the roles between men and women even more.

Mm-hmm.

when.

You are in a marriage where you do very well transactionally. You get along well, you co-parent well. It's just the love is gone. And you wait until the kids are adults to get divorced. The ACODs start to question their own judgment and their own experience. They start to ask themselves the question,

bright.

was my whole life alive. I thought I came from this great family where my parents loved each other. And one of the things that brings them into therapy later on are trust issues. How can I trust in a relationship? And how can I trust my own judgment? And typically, ACODs don't go into therapy

Right.

talking about their parents' divorce and having, in some ways, internalized that belief that, well, I'm an adult, I should be able to deal with it, they come in for other relationship issues. And then if the therapist is asking the right questions and doing a deep dive with them, it will come up.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

And that's what they found out.

Yeah.

interesting. I know I've heard my daughter say about, you know, we have two sides of the family. On my side, I was an only child, so there wasn't a large family at all. On their father's side, there were cousins and a much larger family. And I have heard them say exactly what you said about, you know,

Yeah.

They never told us things. So I feel like it was a lie or I feel like everything was hidden and a secret. Are those things you hear as well?

Oh, absolutely. And the other thing I like to remind people when they are asking the questions, how is this going to impact my children? That your children are not an aggregate and each child has their own personality, their own processing style, they're coming in with their own stuff. And if you have three children,

Mm-hmm.

Probably one of them is going to say, it's about time I didn't understand why you stayed so long. One of them is going to say, you've just ruined my life. And the other one is going to say, okay.

Mm-hmm.

I'm glad you did that. Yeah.

you want to go out to dinner. Yeah, just, you know, okay. And yeah, and so it's really important to not think of your children as a cluster and to give attention to each of them.

Do them.

You know.

I can't help but in my mind contrast young children and older children as you're talking. And I think particularly being a single mom, when children are a bit younger, it's so hard to juggle everything that I was always doing everything with both children rather than you know one and then the other. And so

Just like you said, it was almost like they were a unit rather than two individual children. And I would think that the risk is even greater with adult children, because you just think of them as all grown up and they're over here.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Yeah. Hmm.

So I wanted to get back to the financial repercussions for a moment because I did have, I got off on talking about eight cuts of color. But I wanted to talk in a general sense about some of the other financial implications. And as I said, broken promises.

Okay.

Okay.

may have grown up hearing, I'm going to pay for your college or I'm going to pay for your law school, or I'm going to pay for your wedding, or I'm going to give you a down payment on a house. And they have organized their lives around that promise. And suddenly the parents are dividing the assets and they may need to go back and say, sorry, can't do this. And they're

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

also can be penalties in terms of loss of childcare for their own children. If they have grandparents who take the children one day a week or a couple days a week or whatever, and

Right.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

if one of them has to go back to work, they can end up losing their childcare.

And I would think health issues could play a huge role in that as well, the older that you get for the grandparents. Yeah.

Well, yeah, the difference though is that

There's an expectation that your parents are going to get older and at some point they won't be capable, but that is a different kind of thing than if your parents are no longer together and your childcare goes away.

Right?

Gotcha, gotcha, okay.

So one of the things I like to do with every single guest is ask them for three tips or three takeaways for the audience to really help them understand this topic even more. What would you suggest to the audience?

It's interesting you said that because what I was going to offer is if people sign up for my newsletter on LyndaHerschman.com, they will get three mistakes parents make with their adult children. But I can go back and talk about this, and I'm not sure what you're thinking about from a time standpoint.

Okay.

Okay, perfect.

whether you want to get into the family dynamics and the loyalty issues, or if that's too much to cover for today.

That's probably a little bit too much for today, but I think that so far you've covered so much, you know, from the standpoint of, for example, remember even though they're adults, that they're always gonna be your children.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

And I know that I've seen some adults lean on their children just like they were a friend and complain about the other spouse and that kind of thing.

Right.

Right. And so one of the tips that I would give is, as you said, your children are your children. They are not your friends. Do not lean on them for your own support. And as per the positive action step on that, get your own support systems in place.

Gotcha.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Work with a therapist, work with a coach. Have your girlfriends or your whomever friends. Be engaged in your life. Don't look to your adult children to parent you.

Right.

Right.

And I think a part of that is being careful not to make your children feel sorry for you, that you're so lonely or you're so broken, so that they then become almost like the parent to parent you to fix you.

Right. And also, and this gets right into the family dynamics stuff, that when the adult children become the caretaker for the parent, it's a double-edged sword because number one, it's a heavy responsibility that should not be their responsibility, but there's also reward in that too.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

There are intrinsic rewards for the adult child to be that close to their parent and to feel special and to feel like they've got some control in that. And so you want to make sure that you're not putting your child in that role.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

right.

and

A big thing, a big tip is...

Listen to them, ask them, listen, and validate their feelings.

Yep.

Absolutely.

You don't want to dismiss feelings or feelings. Feelings are not facts.

Mm-hmm.

And so even if they've got something that they're not understanding correctly, you can validate their feelings without getting into the facts of the situation.

Mm-hmm. Yep. I agree. I think it's so important. Mm-hmm. Yep. I think they need it.

and encourage them to get their own support.

Yeah, and.

Because they're probably also feeling like, not only do other people think they should have it together, they're probably thinking about that, man, I should be able to pull it together. I should be able to handle this. And so I'm gonna stuff any bad feelings I have inside just to get through it, because my parents are having a hard time.

Mm-hmm. Right. And what I would say, because your question was about tips for the parents in relationship to their ACODs, but what I would also say, if there are any ACODs listening, that it would be very beneficial for you to work with a therapist who can help you with boundary setting. And help you with the guilt.

Yeah.

Yes.

that you'll probably experience when you're learning to set boundaries.

Mm-hmm. I totally agree with that. And then I think one huge one, two, for the parents is don't put the kids in the middle no matter what age your kids are.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that always, always.

Yeah. Linda, this has been absolutely so informative and I think you hit on so many things that are so overlooked. We were only able to get the tip of the iceberg. How can our listeners find you to learn more?

Well, you can go to my website, which is lindaherschmann.com, and you will get all the information about the presentations I'm giving at some point, if I'm doing any workshops, any promos that I have on the book. And as I said, if you sign up for the newsletter,

Right now you'll get three mistakes parents make with their adult children, but I am giving tip sheets now on a regular basis, so you'll get those if you're on the newsletter list.

So great. Thank you so much for being my guest again today. And just again a reminder to the audience, if you'd like to hear more from Linda, you can look at our past episode where Linda speaks to us about gray divorce. It was a super episode, but thank you again Linda for being my guest today.

Thanks for having me back again, Beverly, anytime.

All of Linda's information will be available in the show notes along with mine, and you can find them at herempowereddivorce.com on the podcast page or on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also watch the video version on our YouTube channel, Her Empowered Divorce. Thank you so much for listening to us today, and stay empowered.