Mike grew up gay, Mormon, and convinced that righteousness could cure him. From East Texas to BYU to a Mormon mission in Portugal, every step of his life was engineered to “fix” what the church told him was broken. But nothing changed—except the weight he carried.

This episode is raw, funny, heart-wrenching, and liberating. Mike opens up about bishop interviews, love-sac hookups, awkward BYU dating, conversion therapy recruitment, suicidal nights in Provo, and finally—meeting the man who became his husband.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to leave Mormonism, come out, and build a life of joy, this story is for you.

Even if you identify as somewhere else on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, you may find hope in Mike's message.

⚠️ Content warning: suicide ideation is discussed in detail. If you’re struggling, please call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988. You’re not alone.

Greetings fellow story whores, gays, allies and anybody who needs to hear this episode of story. Loads of gay stories. You need to hear it. Yes, it is another gay Mormon story, but I warned you last episode. This one is strategic.

I live in Utah so I see it here, but it's not just here. There are gays all around the world that need to hear these messages.

That at least explains why these first few episodes of Storyhole have have featured a load of these gay Mormon stories. They won't all be like this, but I'm glad I get to showcase all types of gay stories on this podcast.

I will say this one took a lot of my strength to edit. I knew it would be hard because Mike made me cry during the raw interview with his story. This is a rollercoaster and it's my longest episode so far.

I just couldn't break it up. If you need to take a break while listening, there will be chapter bookmarks to help you pick back up. But please finish it to the end.

I also need to mention this story does talk about suicide ideation. If you're struggling or know somebody who is, please call or text the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. This is Mike's story.

I was born and raised in Conroe, which is like 40 miles north of Hous. Grew up in a. Okay, Conroe. It's actually Cut and Shoot. That took me a lot of years to accept that. I grew up in a place called.

Cut and Shoot, East Texas, where the religion runs thick and being Mormon makes you the weird cult member in a sea of Baptists and other conservative Christians.

Cut and Shoot was a very small community. Very conservative, very, very conservative. Lots of members. My home ward were active politicians in the community.

So like the astound testimony meeting every week was I'm gonna do this for my community and blah blah blah blah. Like.

And it was in this small, deeply conservative town that Mike's earliest memories took shape. Memories that would later make a lot more sense.

I was a very, very, very happy, flamboyant, just active, loud, annoying kid. Like, I've seen the home videos.

And it was in this tiny, conservative corner of Texas that Mike's story begins. A story that breaks every Mormon gay narrative you've ever heard. But first, you need to understand his family.

Because Mike wasn't the only one in his family carrying secrets about sexuality. His parents had navigated this type of territory before.

My dad's stepdad was gay, came out of the closet, all that. Passed away from AIDS same year I was born.

So the family They'd have no problem accepting Mike for who he was deep inside once he accepted it. He wasn't rebelling, though, against ultra religious parents. He was actually the one trying to drag his family to church.

I was the only active member of my family, and I was always the one who was inviting my family members to come to church and to come to Christ. I really took a lot of the things that Mormonism taught me to heart. Like, I was. Like, I was a Mormon. I was by the book.

Like by the book of Mormon. His Mormon mother hadn't been to church in years, and his father a former Baptist minister in training. Mike wasn't escaping religious extremism.

He was recruiting for it each Sunday, even though he felt something different.

And I always knew that I was gay. Like, I knew that there was something at the time wrong with. I knew there was something different about me.

And speaking of different things, Mike had a different type of education than most. He was homeschooled through the eighth grade. That meant church was his entire social world.

I just knew that all of my friends and all of my peers, they all wanted the attention of the girls. And I didn't. I didn't want their attention. I was friends with them, but I didn't want their attention. I wanted to the dudes that just.

Happen to be his church dudes. Every friend, every activity, every connection runs through those chapel doors.

The church outside of Utah is so different because your church community is the only community that you have.

It didn't take long for Mike to diagnose himself with a spiritual disease.

So I saw the feelings that I was having and the homosexuality that I experienced as a flaw. That was a stain on my soul. And so I was trying to save my soul.

Like, I believed all of the fire and brimstones and like, if you're not doing X, Y or Z, that the prophet says going to hell. I believed all that.

So Mike collected righteousness like currency. Seminary, church youth activities, perfect attendance, convinced that enough holiness would rewire his brain.

But I internalized a lot of self loathing and self hatred. And I took that, like, I took that very seriously.

That that was that my homosexuality, that my feelings and that these desires and whatnot would go away if I was righteous enough. If I was obedient enough.

But behind his bedroom door, Mike's body and those raging hormones had other plans.

By my teenage years, I had recognized that I was gay. I hadn't started calling it that yet. I still considered myself straight, jerking off, porn, all of that.

But I was so respectful to women that I didn't look at porn, including women, because that's disrespectful.

Mike's moral gymnastics. Straight porn disrespected women, but gay porn was fair game because no women were being objectified.

His other inner coping mechanism was to tell himself he was a completely different person and disassociate.

When I was in my room jerking off and looking at porn and whatnot. That was a different Michael than the Michael who was out doing things.

Because I didn't tell other people about what was going on behind closed doors. I was so worried about my eternal salvation.

And the guilt eventually pushed him to his first confession to the bishop at age 14, which awkwardly, just so happened to be a family friend.

I remember coming out to him, and I, of course, was bawling. I told him that I am attracted to boys, to guys. And before I could say more, he jumped in with questions like, oh, well, are there any.

Like, what do you imagine doing with these boys? And are there any boys that you have done anything with? Or any boys in the ward who you've done anything with?

Though never confirmed, Mike has suspicions of why his bishop was asking about those other boys in the ward.

And that bishop, years later, one of the other young men who was in the young men's program in my ward, is also gay.

And when he and I reconnected years later, I came to the conclusion that because he had come out to the bishop right around the time I did, like, right around the, like, 14, 15, and he was only a year older than me.

So I came to the conclusion that my bishop was asking me if I had any interest in any of the boys in the ward because he was trying to determine if I was going to be getting into any trouble with this other boy that he knew was gay. Whether that was his intention or not, I don't know. But those were the clicks that clicked in my head.

Whatever his intentions were, it's pretty safe to say the bishop wasn't concerned about Mike's well being. He was doing damage control, making sure two gay teenagers wouldn't find each other. Even though Mike isn't 100% sure of that, it aligns.

The shame was eating him alive. So Mike developed his master plan. Geography would cure homosexuality.

In high school, I started public school. So that was my first experience in a school setting. And shortly into my high school life, I got the idea that I wanted to go to byu.

Part of it was because at byu, that's the Lord's university. Like, where would he. Like, why would he not cure me of this ailment?

If I go to his school, maybe I'll learn something there that will help me overcome what I'm dealing with inside.

Which there was nothing wrong with him. But during his senior year, Mike had to get through another bishop interview. And this time, the focus was more so on pornography and masturbation.

And the bishop's solution was to not take the sacrament for a week. Okay... Time to head off to Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. Mike believed there could be some healing powers that East Texas lacked.

That proximity to a dozen or so temples and loads of Latter Day Saints would flip some celestial switch. So he held to the iron rod.

Cause I thought it was my only way to be saved.

The perfect Mormon boy has a backup plan for when plan A doesn't work. Plan A was supposed to be simple. Be righteous enough, and God fixes what's broken about you before you head off to college.

But when plan A fails spectacularly, there's always plan B.

I was the golden child of my family because I was the one who went on a mission. I was the golden child of my ward because all of these people had these expectations for me, and I felt obligated to fulfill them.

I felt obligated to go on a mission and to do all of things, these things, and grow the kingdom and whatever.

So Mike went to Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, with a foolproof plan, surround himself with the most aggressively heterosexual Mormon environment possible, because surely that would just make the gay disappear, right?

I truly thought BYU would cure me at that point. I wanted to go on a mission, but I didn't know if it was for me until I got to byu. And then the hype and the pressure.

And just like you're on, you're in the dorms with 37 other guys on your floor who are all psyched about going on missions.

And so caught on 37 roommates, all convinced that two years of knocking on doors would bring them closer to God and do his work. The peer pressure was intoxicating, but Mike's attractions weren't getting the memo.

The desires to be with guys hadn't gone away by the time I got to byu. So I was like, okay, well, maybe it's the mission.

But first, another worthiness interview, this time with his BYU freshman ward bishop for his mission papers.

My freshman ward bishop, very nice guy.

He didn't have any concerns about me going on a mission, except that he wanted to make sure that I had also shared this information with my homeward bishop. And I did my mission paper, my mission interviews and everything with him. Very much my type too, which was hard.

At least it made the interviews more fun, right? Mike jetted off to Europe to serve his mission in Portugal doing the Lord's work or whatever, baptizing new members of the church.

And he was also one of those gold star missionaries that worked in the office. Getting shit done.

I was a mission secretary, so I worked really, really closely with my mission president and his wife and his wife's mother when she was in town. And so I was in the mission office for six months.

Mike got a front row seat to missionary work under a numbers obsessed mission president.

So I got a new mission president after my first transfer. So like three months into the mission I get a new mission president, this dick from Brazil.

His name is Moroni and he was all about baptisms and numbers and numbers and numbers. And so there was such a big push to baptize, baptize, baptize. And I did baptize.

He did as he was told and baptized away, including one that hid a little close to his hidden gay heart.

I regret one of those because this person who we baptized, he had come out to my companion and I and was like, he said that he was attracted to men and had intercourse with men, but he was willing to give all of that up to be celibate to join the church.

And that night was a really hard night for me because obviously you're having this conversation with somebody who you're trying to convince to join your culture and they are baring their souls and you're just trying to keep a straight face and not cry because what they're telling you is what you experience in your own heart.

Mike baptized a gay man who promised celibacy for salvation. Mike knew exactly what that sacrifice meant because he was in the middle of making the same one.

So I regret, I regret baptizing him because I should have just told him to run.

Two years of faithful service. Mike thought, welp, I did it. I served faithfully, did my job, so it's time to be cured.

Tried to keep the faith, tried to do all of that and came home from my mission and went with my mom to the stake president's house to be Released. And I remember being released and still being attracted to dudes.

And I remember being crushed because I expected two years of service to God and building his kingdom and all that shit. I expected that to rid me of this affliction. And it did not.

Two years of complete devotion to God. Mike came home exactly as gay as when he left. And to be honest, Portugal's pretty gay friendly.

I'd wager he came home even a little gayer than when he left. Actually a frustrated running out of hope, Mike returns to byu, but first gets back into working at efy, which stands for Especially for Youth.

That's the church's youth summer camps. He made for a great counselor since he grew up attending these in his teenage years too.

After my mission, I started working EFY on the staff side. And I did that all through my BYU years. Every summer I was a counselor, a building counselor and a coordinator across the country in various places.

He worked there for a total of five summers, adding all the weeks up. It was nearly a year of efy. I can't imagine spending those summers "a more excellent way." There's a little inside joke for you EFY nerds listening.

And I even helped for my last two summers.

For my last two years I worked in the EFY office on campus and helped write like the manuals and come up with some of the programming and stuff like that.

The programming that was supposed to keep Mormon teenagers on the straight and narrow. Notice my wording. Straight and narrow.

And over his years he could see and pick out the kids who were struggling because those struggling teens were once him at efy. The only difference now is he was still struggling with the same feelings as an adult.

You still have these 14 to 18 year old kids who are coming from broken places. They're coming from places where this is the only place where they feel safe to express themselves in certain ways.

And so you have these kids that you know are hurting and you know why they're hurting. And the queer in me was able to see why they were hurting, but like, you can't say anything.

Mike could see exactly what was wrong, but there was nothing he could say within his role.

I had some youth in my groups and just youth that I interacted with that I knew were hurting. And I wish I had been a better role model for them.

And that was out of his scope of what EFY allowed him to do. Stick to the manual, don't go astray. But somehow to show them somebody cared, maybe at least to know they weren't alone.

And there are Others just like them in the world he wanted.

Visibility was really, really important to me. Like that seeing people be happy and be gay and like that was everything for me when I was later figuring things out.

And so I wish I could have been in some way visible.

And now back to that BYU education. Mike finally had met some people he could confide in.

Met my two best friends that I to this day would still consider my two best friends.

He was transparent with them about his gay feelings, and he continued to confess those feelings with his bishops as he continued at byu. The first bishop post mission, I told.

Him that I was gay. And his questioning was, do you look at videos or pictures?

Mike's probably sitting there thinking, is this a worthiness interview or a tech support call? It's probably the videos, though.

That was awkward because I was his executive secretary for the ward. And so just having that conversation with somebody that I already had this, like, really good, like, working church rapport with was awkward.

Oh, but wait, there's more. If you thought that would be awkward, just confessing you're gay, hold my BYU creamery cup.

And then went on a date with his daughter one time, which was awkward. I think it was just a ward activity that we went to. And then I think we got frozen yogurt.

Afterward, we went on a date with another bishop's daughter. With my next bishop's daughter.

Mike was being such a good, outwardly appearing Mormon boy that he just couldn't escape these girls.

But the next bishop's daughter, that would be the most awkward of all because, well, she asked him out a week after he just told daddy that he liked Wee Wee instead of vajayjay.

We were friends, so I was like, whatever.

But then I went to their house to pick her up and my bishop opened the door and just the look on his face, like I could see the father in him who's happy that his daughter, who according to Mormon standards, should have already been married with a few kids. But I could see the pain in his face that his daughter was going on this date with somebody who wasn't going to work out.

Aside from that little moment, though, this particular bishop was arguably the most helpful to help shift Mike's feelings toward his future in the church.

When I came out to him, his line of questioning was, have you heard of this organization or this organization? He was giving me resources of things like northstar. And I actually went to a North Star meeting after his suggestion.

There was one at the conference center in Orem.

North Star is the organization for gay Mormons who want to stay in the church and live in harmony with its teachings through celibacy or mixed orientation marriages. This was scary for Mike, but it was a step closer for him. And luckily he didn't have to go alone. One of his friends volunteered to go as a support.

And I just remember sitting there listening to. There were like four couples that were. Of the couples, three of the dudes were gay, and then the fourth couple, I think the woman was gay.

And I just remember listening to them share their stories and share their experiences and the struggles that they went through as a married couple.

Mike listened to gay people talk about the benefits of being married to straight spouses, but then the straight partners spoke.

But then it got to the point where the straight person was telling their story and every single one of them had a glaze over their face. And I could tell that they didn't.

Didn't want the relationship that they were in, that there was some sort of disappointment or sadness or just feeling there where they just felt over it. And I never wanted to be responsible for putting somebody who I love enough to start a relationship with to make them feel like that.

Mike saw the faces of straight people that he felt looked trapped in loveless marriages with gay partners.

And I got so scared. I think that was the day that I decided just being alone for the rest of my life might be viable.

Meanwhile, Mike's head was all over the place and he was still playing the perfect Mormon bachelor game with the ladies. And, you know, one date was just too good not to share. In fact, he could barely hold it in.

Did a little Brazilian dinner making date one time that was super awkward because I was trying to open up a can of Coke or a bottle of Coke and I popped it on the counter to open it. And at the same time I farted. And I was so embarrassed.

And then later I told myself, like, I not even interested in pursuing this relationship, so why should I care?

Yeah, I just wanted you to hear the fart story. So now enter the woman that Mike didn't even think he would ever find.

One of the girls that I worked all summer with that year, everyone in EFY had shipped us. Everyone wanted Mike and her to hit it off. And like, we're spending all summer together.

We were both like roughly the same age, just like a month or so off. Like, it was just everybody's cup of tea. Had a great time that summer. We dated afterward. And I had.

So I was still living in Provo because I didn't have school, but I was Also looking for a job. And I stayed in Utah because I thought that this girl would be the girl. I thought she would be the one who would be okay with me being gay.

Mike changed his mind.

He thought he actually found the one and was ready to propose to a woman based on the assumption she'd accept a marriage built on whatever foundation. You could call this the next step. Mike chose to have the make it or break it conversation with her at the temple.

But we were sitting in the celestial room the day before. I was looking at rings like I was planning to ask this girl to marry me.

We were in the celestial room and I started crying and I was just like, I want to have a conversation with you, but I don't feel like this is the right place to have it. We get changed and everything. We meet outside. And I told her I was like, I am attracted to men.

I'm not sure what that looks like for my future, but I. And I told her I was like, I want to do it God's way. I want to find somebody who's okay with it and kind of make it work.

She took it very well, in my opinion. She told me she needed to think things over and that she'd get back to me. And then she didn't text me for like two days, which was fucking crazy.

I mean, can we blame her here?

She's probably like, shit, can I really just live the rest of my life with using a vibrator or maybe one of those strap ons since my husband won't be able to get hard fucking me? Yeah, okay, I'll stop now.

But she came back with like, okay, like, we can. I can work with this. Like, we can work with this.

And just one week later, the vacation between Mike, his girlfriend and some friends, that would change everything.

But then we were at Disneyland, this group of seven of us, we all went together and we were. We had a three day pass. And on the first day, not even halfway through the day, it's like early afternoon and we're over by Splash Mountain.

I remember seeing this couple in line for Splash Mountain. There's two guys and they were wearing the little Mickey groom hats. They had shirts on that said just Barry. So I lost it. I started to cry.

And so I ran off to the bathroom because I saw them. And all I could think was, why can't I have that? I just remember seeing this couple.

It was there celebrating their wedding, their marriage and whatnot. And they were just so happy and visible.

And that's what I wanted to feel Like I was having a very emotional time, trying to manage everything and trying to still be present with my friends at the happiest place on earth, but also wanting so deeply to disappear. That night it was. We were over at California Adventure and we had just got off a ride and it was.

The park was about to close and we were getting ready to leave. My girlfriend was like, let's talk. Like, what's going on? Something is going on in your head and I need to know what it is because something changed.

And so that night, her and I drove together and then everyone else drove in the other car back to the house that we were staying at. And we broke up. And I told her I was. I just.

I just told her I couldn't do it, that I couldn't deny myself and that I couldn't restrict myself and I didn't want that to be part of my future. And then driving back to Provo, the entire car ride was mostly just me looking out the window and imagining what my life could look like.

And that was the first time that I ever thought that I could find happiness. I was also figuring out scenarios.

And I came to the conclusion that I either kill myself or I live a celibate life in God's church or I leave the church. And so that 12 hour ride was imagining all of these possibilities of what my life could be like if I chose this option, this option or this option.

Because I knew that marrying a woman and living the straight life wasn't going to work.

Mike spent that entire drive mapping out his future. Three possible paths forward. And one of those paths, the darkest one, almost won. What comes next in Mike's story gets heavy.

We're talking about suicide. Not theoretically, but specifically. If you're in a place where hearing this might be too much right now, it's okay to skip ahead about three minutes.

Take care of yourself first.

And if you're listening to this and recognizing yourself in what Mike's about to share, if you're sitting with those same three options and the darkest one is looking like the only way out, please call or text. 988. That's the suicide in crisis lifeline. They're there 24/7 and they get it. You don't have to be in immediate danger to reach out.

Sometimes you just need someone to talk to who understands that the wait is real. Okay, here's what happened to Mike that Christmas.

The next, like two and a half to three months, I was still trying to figure it out. I still thought being alone and celibate was like, probably gonna happen. And then Christmas came and that Christmas after Disneyland.

And I, as the new guy at work, got the shitty shift. That two weeks between everyone leaving Provo and everyone coming back.

I.

Cried myself to work every day. Came up with three different plans of how I would kill myself and.

But one night I was laying in my bed in my empty apartment and I was convincing myself how easy it would be to just. And. And the thing that stopped me, it wasn't God.

It wasn't this loving heavenly father who loves his children and wants to protect them and watch out for them. It was not wanting to make a mess. A traumatic experience for my friends when they got back from Christmas vacation.

But the next night was the night that I decided to stop wearing my garments and to stop going to church. And I. I realized that if.

If me as I am isn't enough to satisfy God, if me as I am isn't enough to like, be seen as a valuable person of value in any way, then I didn't want to have anything to do with it. And so I downloaded Tinder and I started swiping.

I had told my roommates that that was kind of my plan going forward is I'm going to be gay and see what that's.

So Mike did what any newly out gay man does when the programming finally breaks. He downloaded Tinder and started swiping like his life depended on it, which honestly, it kind of did.

Took me a few weeks before I had sex with anyone or did any sort of sexual things with anyone. And I was still in BYU approved housing, so everything had to be on the down low, otherwise I could get kicked out and have to find a new apartment.

That kind of started off that journey.

BYU approved housing meant keeping things quiet. Luckily he had cool roommates and friends. But from landlords who could literally evict you for acting on gay thoughts and feelings.

The closet had become a game of hide and seek with house housing consequences.

I downloaded and paid stupid amounts of money for match.com, subscribed to them for a year and then was like, oh, these are the same people that are on Tinder.

Ah yes, the gay dating app. Education lesson one. They're all the same guys, just on different platforms. Save your money, kids.

I used Tinder. That's what everyone was using. That Was very in. Dated a couple guys here and there.

And then Mike's real education began.

A friend of mine came over. A friend. Someone who I had come out to, and he had also come come out to me.

He'd come over one night when all my roommates were out at a ward function. And we fooled around. Nothing penetrative or anything like that.

Roommate's gone, Apartment empty. Two guys figuring things out together. He's really learning how to hold on to the iron rod now, because so.

Many of us signed up together to rent this apartment, the apartment complex, or like, okay, like, anyone who has four people to rent an apartment gets a love sack added to their living room. So we skied on the love sack, which was great and fun. Sorry to anyone who had to use the love sack after that.

But the love sac. Mike just casually defiled the communal furniture that everyone probably napped on.

Somewhere a roommate is having a sudden realization about that scratchy fabric.

And so, yeah, had good experience there. Had him over a couple more times. Just like, touching. Very, like, low key. Still nothing penetrative.

Mike was taking the slow road through gay sex 101. But his body was finally getting to speak.

It felt like being alive for the first time. Like, my first gay date was with a guy in salt Lake. And so I drove up from Provo and we went to this little cafe.

I was so nervous because that's what I felt before dates. But then I met him in person. We had chatted on Tinder, and so I met him in person, and all of the nerves went away. Some of them changed a little bit.

But, like, I felt like there was blood pumping in my veins for the first time in my entire life.

Blood pumping for the first time. Mike had spent his entire life on autopilot, going through the motions. Now his body was finally coming online.

I cared about what this person had to say. I cared about his life experiences and whatever. Turns out he was just trying to get me to go to a north star meeting. He has since changed.

But hold up.

Mike's first gay date was a conversion therapy recruitment mission. That's some psychological warfare disguised as coffee.

He did tell me that that first date, his intention was to tell me about the resources available to gaynor.

At least the guy has since seen the light.

Obviously, that didn't work out. We went on a couple more dates, but they were more just like hangs.

Mike kept dating, kept exploring, kept figuring out what being alive actually felt like.

Went on a movie date with a guy, and I want to say we saw a Transformers movie. I don't remember which one wasn't paying that much attention, but we were definitely touching and feeling each other and kissing in the theater.

And then the movie was over. Fooled around in his car a little bit. That was super scary.

Movie theater makeouts and car hookups. Mike was getting the teenage gay experience he never got to have as a teenager. Just a decade late.

Yeah, My first taste of public play. Wild stuff. Still no penetration.

Mike's sexual awakening had a very specific progression. Lovesac movie theater car. It's like earning gay merit badges.

Yeah. We went straight from very soft touching and fondling to public play. I was so worried that we were gonna get caught.

And he was just like, we're gonna be fine. There's no one else around.

The classic dynamic, nervous newbie meets experienced guy who's like, relax, this parking lot is fine.

So had a great time there. That was wonderful. Went on a couple more dates with him. He came and stayed the night at my apartment in Provo one time.

And then the next morning, one of my roommates, who I had come out to, like, this new friend, was leaving my bedroom, and my roommate was sitting there eating his cereal, and he's like, so tell me about it.

It's almost like a scene from a movie. The walk of shame past the cereal eating roommate who absolutely wanted all the details.

Mike had friends who had his back, and he was finally getting to live. And you know what? He was having a blast.

Uh, yeah, it was. That was fun. I was a little bit of a hoe for a minute.

Mike was living, finally exploring who he was, having fun, building a life that felt real. But the church wasn't done with him just yet because April brought general conference, and with it, a voice from his past.

I hadn't RSVP'd to the mission reunion, and my mission president, his wife are Brazilian. And so they were coming because he was a member of the 70 and whatnot.

And so his wife reached out and she was like, hey, are you gonna be coming to the mission reunion? Looks like you're still in Utah. We'd love to see via Facebook Messenger. I said, I'm not gonna come. It's kind of what I'm dealing with in my life.

I've stepped away from the church, starting to date men now, and I don't feel comfortable coming to the reunion.

And she said, like, oh, like, well, we'd still love to see you and President would love to see you if you would come, like, and meet him sometime, like, while we're there. And I was like. Like, I had a lot of respect for this man at the time. A lot of respect.

He was very kind to me when my dad had health problems while I was on my mission. So, like, I had a lot of respect for him. So I agreed. And it was a Saturday. In between sessions, their son had an apartment just off Temple Square.

And so she asked, because he doesn't do social media, she asked if I could meet at the conference center and then go to the lobby in this apartment complex and chat. So I go fully dressed in, like, I was wearing a white shirt and tie and all that stuff.

I brought my temple recommend that was still valid because my intention was to respectfully, like, here, President, like, I'm stepping away. I understand what I'm doing, damning myself to hell, but I want you to have this because I'm no longer worthy of it.

So that was my intention for bringing my temple recommend. So I met. Went to meet with him, and we walked across the street and sat down in the lobby of this apartment complex.

All of this is in Portuguese, which he speaks fluently as a native language. And I had been home for four years not using it regularly.

And so he starts it off saying, like, oh, so, like, I wanted to come here and meet you and remind you of how much God loves you and remind you that even though you're feeling broken and that your soul is broken right now, like, there are ways around this. But then, as this conversation continued, use the analogy that life is like a buffet.

You want to eat the pizza, you want the pizza off of the buffet, but your soul needs a salad. And sometimes you have to deny what you want for what your soul needs. So I'm like, okay, okay.

And this is like, I'm taking all of this at the speed of a Brazilian politician who's like. He's just going in Portuguese. And so I'm struggling to keep up.

He told me that I just need to find a woman that I can, like, I don't need to love her. I'll know what real love is when I'm holding my first child, because then I'll understand what love means.

He then asked if he could pray before we left. And I'm like, yeah, sure, fine.

And I just remember sitting there with my eyes closed and his hands on my head because it was one of those kind of prayers.

He asked God that God would fix Me, repair my heart, repair my soul, that he wouldn't judge me too harshly for the decisions that I've made recently and that I can be forgiven. And, and I just remember shaking and bawling and just crumbling up my temple recommend in my hand. He finished his prayer blessing.

I felt belittled and embarrassed and disrespected.

And then I went and said hi to his wife, who I still love, but said goodbye to her and then walked out and through my temple recommend in a garbage can on State Street. So prior to that I was, I still believed. Like, it's probably true.

I didn't disbelieve in the church until I met with my mission president and I was just like, there's no way that I, an all knowing, powerful, loving God would instruct his servant to say those things. Honestly, I, like, I really dislike the man. Like, because that hurt that day to hear it.

But the last 10 years of replaying that conversation in my head and just replaying it as like, why would you say something like that to someone? Like, why? Like, where is the empathy and the love and the understanding and the Christ likeness? And I didn't see that in my mission president.

And so that was when I decided I'm absolutely leaving the church. Like, I'm not going to have anything to do with it. I still believed up until that point that it was probably true. But then after that, not anymore.

I'm done with the church.

Alright? After the conversation with his mission president, after throwing his temple recommend in the trash, Mike was done with Provo.

Time to move to Salt Lake and really start living.

And, and then moved to Salt Lake because my contract there had expired. So I was like, I work in Salt Lake, I gotta live in Salt Lake now.

So moved to Salt Lake, was dating someone leading up to the move, and he even helped me move.

The guy he was dating helped him move to Salt Lake. That's boyfriend behavior right there. Or is it?

He would probably be the first one that I had penetrative sex with. Nothing special was fun.

Nothing special. The most honest review of first time penetrative sex I've ever heard.

This feels more natural than like chatting.

With a girl or dare I say faking it with a woman.

But we broke up because he told me that he wanted to see me get into better shape.

And there it is. The thing that breaks almost every baby gay's first relationship.

Someone decides to critique your body and suddenly you remember you actually have standards.

So I'm, I'm a big guy. I identify a lot with the bear community.

Mike had just escaped a system that told him his entire existence was wrong. He wasn't about to let some dude tell him his body was wrong, too.

At the time, I was feeling a very. A very certain kind of way about it. So that ended our relationship.

So, yeah, he wasn't the boyfriend. But here's where the story gets good. Because that breakup, Best thing that could have happened.

And then my first night in the new apartment in Salt Lake, I matched with my now husband.

First night in Salt Lake. Mike moved out of Provo on a Saturday. Matched with his future husband that same night. The universe has timing.

That's all it took. It just took getting out of Provo. We matched my first night, and then I invited him over the next night.

24 hours in salt Lake, and Mike was already shooting his shot. This is what happens when you stop pretending. You start moving real fast. And the timing was perfect, because guess where speed matters, too.

It was the Olympics. The Olympics were going on.

And so I had said, hey, I'm just at home watching the Olympics. Do you want to come hang out? And I really was watching the Olympics, and my Internet really did work.

My Internet really did work. The most important clarification in any gay hookup origin story.

But when he got there, the Internet stopped working, and I was no longer able to get the stream and whatnot. So we ended up just hanging out and chatting. And then I asked him if I could could give him a kiss, and he said yes.

The Internet stopped working. I was using air quotes. Sure, Mike, sure.

So then we kissed some more and then invited him into the bedroom. And this is where our memories kind of disagree.

Oh, this is going to be good.

He says, I had a towel waiting on the bed with various condoms and lubricants on the corner of the nightstand. Ready, Ready to go. I just had a messy room, and those were where the things were. The towel was. I don't know how that got there. Yeah, the.

They definitely considered it a booty call. And maybe it was subconsciously, I don't know. But it worked. And we've been together since. So that was nine years ago. Nine plus years ago.

Mike's husband will never let him forget about the strategically placed towel and the lube collection on display. But here's the thing. It worked. Nine years later, they're still together and married.

Now, sometimes the best relationships start with my Internet mysteriously stopped working. And years later, Mike got to Close the loop on the place where his story almost ended.

And then last year, my husband and I went to Disneyland and we did it for our one year anniversary of being married and let me feel the love and the magic of Disneyland again. That was the first time since the incident. So that was a really beautiful healing moment.

We hadn't just been married, but we did get these cute little pins that just said celebrating our anniversary. And that like meant a lot.

Those little anniversary pins. The same kind of visible celebration that made Mike break down the first time, except this time he was wearing one.

So when people say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, I now can agree. There were a few years, though, that I didn't agree.

From crying in the Disneyland bathroom to celebrating his anniversary there with his husband. That's the journey from why can't I have that? To I have that.

Yeah, Disneyland is so much better when you're visible. I believe that I am the person I am today because of what I've experienced.

If Mike could go back in time, there are two versions of himself he'd want to talk to.

I would like to go back and talk to. 21 year old Michael, just got home from his mission, was having unseen panic attacks and episodes of depression very regularly.

He felt all of these emotions of, you should be happy and you should be out dating and this and that, and you should be so excited that you serve God and you came home honorably and all this stuff. And I was just sad and I just want to give him a hug, tell him it's going to be okay because he didn't feel that way at the time.

I might go back to when I came out to my mission president and I would tell him to go fuck himself.

And for anyone listening who's where Mike was stuck, scared, wondering if happiness is even possible for them.

You are a better judge of what your life is experiencing and what you are experiencing in your life and in your world. You are a better judge of that than outside sources. It's not a phase. You're not gonna, you're not gonna be cured. There's nothing to be cured of.

You're not broken. Learn to love yourself. And then if you choose to keep God in your life, that's totally up to you. But you need to learn to love yourself first.

And in my personal experience, that was not possible when God was still in my life.

And if you're scared about what comes next.

To anyone out there who's struggling and having a hard time, whether you're still in the church, trying to figure it out or whether you're out and your family and your friends, this is all they want to talk about, and you're just at home feeling isolated and alone. There are friendly people out there.

There are people that love and appreciate and welcome members of the community and queer people, gay people, lesbians, transgender. There's a community for you and.

And yes, leaving the church is rough because you essentially sign off on your community, and all of your social circles change. Everything does. And it's hard initially.

Like, all of these things start to happen, and they allow you to be able to experience them without feeling shame and the gay dates and the first dick you sucked, and so hang in there. If you're already ready and looking to leave or explore or whatever you're gonna do, do it now.

If you're not feeling like that's part of your journey right now, if you're not feeling like you're ready to make all of these changes in your life and accept all of the differences in you, that's okay. We'll be here when you are. When you are ready. There's a beautiful, loving, vibrant community that's excited to welcome you in.

We just swear a lot more, and we have more tattoos.

Mike's story. The long way home. But he made it.

Then the good things start to happen. Dating dudes is so much better.