Abandonment Issues

A story I'm deeply ashamed of

It is important to become aware of your own behaviour. To reflect about my own abandonment issues several years ago was one of the most painful growth pains I went through. It was important to become aware of this highly dysfunctional/ destructive behaviour because it allowed me to move on, heal my relationships and build new nurturing relationships and most importantly to feel like myself again.

It is pretty sobering to realize that:

• it was me who was in pain and added pain to other people's life
• it was not the outer circumstances or people who tried to hurt me but my distorted lense through which I used to see life
• it was me who had to go engage on a very humbling path to self-discovery and healing
• it was me who had to ask for forgiveness and not to torture people to forgive me
• it was me who had to have the courage to not hate myself and go farther/ deeper into victim mentality but to know that I deserve to be forgiven and to move on

I am deeply grateful to the people who gave me a second chance.

I am now encouraging people to give themselves a second chance and to heal (quicker than I did), as we only have this one life to enjoy, so better waste our time wisely and without regrets :D

I am more happy now than ever before. I feel aware of my BS and each week that goes by I learn more about healing and growth. I'm not a hot mess anymore who is feeling threatened all the time but I'm a kind and chaotic human being who is trying her best every day, still failing and falling at times but genuinely interested in living a live at peace with myself and others.

I am content and happy not because of my Partner, friends, family, my coaching business, Dogs, possessions I own or my health - (although this all plays a huge role in contributing to my happiness)

BUT

• because I was made aware of what I need to work through to liberate myself from pain !
• because I was provided with the tools and resources that would help me to finally heal

Where do you feel the need to grow?

Where/ with whom do you still feel like a victim?

enjoy this episode with an open heart and mind

In this episode and many other episodes I touch on topics that I usually work on with my clients. Here in my podcast it will be targeted to a broad spectrum of people. If you'd like to go more into depth with a topic I address, reach out to me.

with love and much respect

Aurora

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Unknown: 00:00:07

Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

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experience. I'm your host Aurora, life coach and companion

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on this beautiful journey called life. I'm so happy to be

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spending some time with you. And so happy to reflect about the

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Yeah, more juicy topics with you. And when it comes to

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relationships, having a growth mindset, wanting to move on

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wanting to heal, and just trying to be a detective. When it comes

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to your purpose, when it comes to all the big questions, hey,

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what am I meant to do here on planet Earth? Who am I meant to

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be with? What job am I meant to engage in? What lessons am I

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supposed to learn, if you have that little itch inside of you,

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and you want to move on, you want to heal. You want to

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improve your relationships, you want to be more productive, you

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want to be a more successful entrepreneur, but you feel

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you're lacking resources you're lacking tools, then, please

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don't hesitate to reach out to me. And we can figure out how I

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could help you on your journey to get you on a path where you

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can get closer to your dreams and to your goals where you can

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improve your relationships and feel more fulfilled. Overall,

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checkout arrived@coaching.com and find what suits you or just

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jump on a call with me. And we can explore together how I could

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help you. Today, I want to talk to you about abandonment issues.

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And I chose to tell you a little story to not just Yeah, talk

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about what abandonment issues are and how they could look

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like. But this is a real, real life story that happened

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approximately seven years ago. And I feel the need to share

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this with you because maybe you are not aware of your patterns,

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maybe you are not aware that you tend to slip into a pattern that

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is really not healthy for you and for the people around you.

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Or maybe you experienced that. Similar, like a similar story

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that I'm about to share with you with a personal and your life

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before or right now in this moment. And I'm hoping to raise

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awareness when it comes to abandonment issues and to have

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people more clear about their patterns, once they slide into

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victim mentality once they start to behave from a place of pain

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and stead of love. Because it is very important to observe these

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patterns. When you feel the need to improve your relationships.

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You will look at yourself and realize, hmm, I'm actually doing

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something similar and I tend to feel like a victim then it is

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time for you to grow. If you realize that you have struggled

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with abandonment issues in the past and still to this day.

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There is ways for you to get out of this misery of the vicious

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circle of being a victim attacking others manipulating

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situations and then again being a victim. It's not a pleasant

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state to be in. And when I realized that I was doing that I

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just I felt really horrible about myself because it's, it's

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not a good place to be in but to be unaware of it. And doing this

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to yourself and the people around you is even worse. All

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right Long Story Short. I'm going to dive right into it. It

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is As I said, seven years ago, I

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had moved to a new country, Canada, and was living in a new

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city. I started going to acquire. So every week, we were

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getting together and singing together with a group of people.

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And I really started enjoying this practice. My mom came for a

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visit. My mom at that time, I had a new boyfriend. And I

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didn't really know him yet, but I could sense that they get

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along well, and she's happy. I go to the choir. And shortly

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before practice, I tell my mom that it would mean a lot to me

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if she was to join and see us sing. So practice goes until

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seven, why don't you come at 645 or 630, even and then you can

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listen to the beautiful music. So I go to my practice, there

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was a o'clock in the in that split in a place where we

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practice singing. And I see the clock hitting 645 nobody shows

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up. Seven o'clock. All right. I was so disappointed. I had a

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weird day already. And I just said, Hey, it is not much that I

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asked for. I just want my mom to be there for the practice, and

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she can't even show up. I look I'm on my phone and see that

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there is a message from her boyfriend. And I open it up and

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it says all good. We're having fun. So what I made of this was

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that my mom choose to spend time with her boyfriend over choosing

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to spend time with me listening to my music. It doesn't really

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matter. I felt abandoned. She didn't show up for me. She made

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another person more important than me. I drove home. And as I

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came home I had five missed calls from my mom on my phone.

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And I thought she, she's probably you know, she wants to

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apologize. She wants to make it up to me. Maybe she wants to

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take me out for dinner. But fuck this. I don't want anything to

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do with her. I'm so incredibly mad. I don't want to hear any of

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these weird excuses. And yeah, I'm done with it. So I got home

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when to my bedroom, locked myself into my bedroom and was

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just hoping to fall asleep. And to wake up the next morning very

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early to then having to go back to college. In the meantime,

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it's 1030 at night, and I hear the door opening of the

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apartment. And clearly it's my mom and her boyfriend. And I was

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not asleep. So I was kind of trying to listen what they were

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saying and then it knocks on my door and I don't react and then

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she opens my door and and says Hey, like you didn't answer my

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cause. Are you okay? And I just looked at her and I was like

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yeah, I guess I'm okay. I mean I'm here I'm in my bed and I'm

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alright. What's what's going on with You. And then she tells me

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that on her way to come see me singing. Her car broke down. No,

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actually,

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it was not her car breaking. Breaking down, she hit a deer.

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So she had an accident with a deer. And her boyfriend

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messaging me, hey, everything is okay, we're having fun was to in

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a weird way appease me. So he said, Oh, okay, your mom is not

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going to show up at your practice, I'm going to shoot

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your message so that you don't worry, what I made of it,

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because I saw it from a perspective of pain is that she

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is choosing me, him over me. What happened and reality is

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that my mother had an accident, they were trying to reach me, I

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could have helped. But I chose to sit in my pain and to

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completely shut myself off from the world, and to keep sitting

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in my pain. Now, thank God, nothing happened to my mom, the

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car was severely damaged. And it was a whole shitshow of her

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trying to come back home. She was relying on other people,

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like strangers to help her out. And she was very, very lucky in

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a shady situation. And all along, I was sitting at home in

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pain. not reacting to her calls. And I tell you here, I mean, you

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could have guessed it maybe already. But this is one of the

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stories that I'm most ashamed of. I'm so ashamed. And I'm so

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glad. And I'm so lucky that nothing happened to my mom,

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because the regrets I would have, up until today and into my

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future of not being there for my mom when she had an accident

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would have eat me up from the inside. So what happened is that

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somewhere in my childhood, I must have felt similar. So I

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have a younger brother. And maybe when he was born, and then

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this cute little boy. Growing up, I felt replaced, I felt I

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needed to share my mom with him now. He became a successful

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hockey player. I played hockey as well, but not as good. So

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everybody was always interested in his career and his goals and

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successes. And when it came to my hockey practice, practice, of

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course, nobody was really interested because we were not

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successful. And I was engaging in a sport and a hobby that was

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not in alignment with my soul callings. So to say, right, and

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my brother was successful with his hockey because he pursued

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something that made him a better person that gave him joy. So I

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felt I was in the shadow of my brother, I felt that my mom

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picked him over me when it comes to activities. Fast forward into

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the future, a similar situation arises, right? I'm engaging in a

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new hobby. And now I'm hoping my mom is going to be there for me

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and proud of me and am I doing the right thing to go to the

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choir and I can get to be proud of me now. Please don't forget I

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was 29 years old. It doesn't matter how old you are. There

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will always be a little wounded child inside of you. And this

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little wounded child that is sitting in pain will make you do

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things that are weird and sometimes even dangerous. And

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that's what my point is here today that we need to become

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brutally aware of these patterns because in my case, again, I was

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so lucky that nothing worse happened. And I'm working on

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letting go of this shame. I'm working on letting go of my

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abandonment issues. And

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I'm, I'm slowly getting there, I'm getting better. I'm giving

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people the benefit of the doubt I asked questions. I'm curious.

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I don't make assumptions anymore. But back then I didn't

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know better, but to crawl back into my pain, and to lay in

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fetal position and pity myself at home. And that's just so, so

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horrible. So I'm gonna let that sink in my dear friend and

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listener. And, yeah, if there's any feedback, if you want to

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open up to me about abandonment issues that you can, you know,

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put a finger on, it's very tough because sometimes you can't

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really put a finger on because you don't know what happened in

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people's past. But if you feel that you have struggled with

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abandonment issues, or you know, somebody, make sure to share

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this episode and to make them feel less alone and to let them

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know that there is a way out. You can feel empowered, again.

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People are more forgiving than we usually expect. You can open

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up that can of worms and talk to people and apologize to people.

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And then work on yourself and rid yourself of this extremely

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dangerous victim mentality. All right, I'm gonna leave you with

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that with lots of love and care and deep respect for your growth

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mindset. Because chances are if you listen to my podcast, that

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you are a warrior, a goddess that you want to become your

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best version, and that you want to rise above the pain that you

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went through instead of living as a victim and hurting other

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people. So thank you so much for being here. I deeply appreciate

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each one of you. And I will be out there very soon again.